Internal Panic Attack: the 25th Season

A couple of days ago I stumbled across an article that said Sean’s season of the Bachelor is the 25th season (you can read it here). I had an internal panic attack. You mean to tell me I’ve watched 25 seasons of this ridiculousness gem? I’ve lost years of my life watching this??

Sadly, yes. Yes, I have. I’ve seen every single season (and every stinking episode) since it aired in 2002. 11 years ago! I was only 16 years old.

Imagine the things I could have done in 11 years:

• written a best-selling novel
• found a cure to cancer (I’m not sure which type of cancer)
• gone to college and law school (actually, I did those things)
• run a marathon (oh wait, I did that too. Now I’m just bragging)
• invented Facebook BEFORE Mark or the Winklevoss twins
• discovered Pluto isn’t actually a planet (sorry Pluto!)
• prevented the BP oil spill
• learned how to strum some cords on the guitar while belting out Michelle Branch’s “All You Wanted” better than one of my sisters

Really, the list is endless. And while maybe I didn’t accomplish most of those things, the Bachelor provided a lasting memory at a crucial moment in my adolescence.

In the Spring of 2003, my three sisters and I decided to meet in Vail for a ski trip. My oldest sister and I drove all the way to Colorado from Wisconsin, where we met our other two sisters (who had the luxury of flying). Part of the reason we had to drive is because my mom practically strong-armed me into applying to college at Creighton in Omaha, Nebraska. I was utterly distraught at the prospect of moving to Nebraska but my mom insisted we stop and tour the campus. And we did. We happened to arrive on a beautiful spring day that only a true Midwesterner can appreciate. It was unseasonably warm, low 70’s and bright blue skies. I was sold.

We continued on our journey to the Rockies and the skiing was underway. Until it wasn’t. I decided I needed medical attention and an oxygen tank. I’m sure my sisters called my mom and told her NEXT TIME the youngest needs to stay home. Since my hour of skiing did me in, my oldest sister (my road trip companion) and I decided our time would be better spent shopping in the cute little Vail village. Umm hello, have you met me? Shopping is always preferable to athletics! As we perused the shops my sister spotted a celeb. And it wasn’t just ANY celeb. It was RYAN from the Bachelor! As in Trista and Ryan.

I threw off my oxygen tank and marched up to him. We chitchatted about Trista, I secured my wedding invite, and we snapped this darling photo.

(Actually, it’s sort of the opposite of darling. What 17-year-old wears pigtails? And couldn’t I have put on some makeup? I think Ryan would find 27-year-old Kate much much more attractive.)

I couldn’t wait to get home and get my film developed (yes, film). A short while later, my phone rang (one of those giant Nokia cell phones) and it was my mom. She told me I had received a letter awarding me full tuition to Creighton.

My fate was sealed. I still have the shirt I bought that day in Vail (perhaps time to do more shopping?), the original picture with Ryan, and two degrees from Creighton.

Leave You Wanting More

It’s week two and we finally get to see the desperate love-seeking women in their “natural” element. And by natural I mean, slightly more sober and slightly less glittery. While I settled in to watch this week’s trainwreck journey to find love, I confirmed what I suspected on Em’s season. Apart from Sean’s oiled-up abs, gelled bleach-blond hair, and v-neck t-shirts, Sean is BOR-ING, with a capital B. In general, this episode was not up to the Bachelor caliber it could be. Where were the accusations of being there for the wrong reasons (I’m looking at you Wes)? Where was the one who has a significant other back home (you heard me again Wes)? Where was the one who totally wanted the bachelor[ette] to be someone else (ehhhemmm Bentley)? There’s always hope for next week!

The episode starts off with Single Sean doing what he does best – working out and allowing people to film him showering. Chirs Harrison comes to the mansion to deliver the “date card” (I hardly think jumping off a building is a date. That’s more like a torture method that ought to be illegal). What ever happened to a cup of coffee? Or lunch? Sean picks Sarah to be his first one on one date. In true Bachelor fashion, Sean fetches his helicopter to pick up Sarah. Oh. Emm. Gee. Sean is soooo sweet. He is like, so sweet, and so romantic for like picking me up in like a helicopter. Cue the groans. Anyway, Sean picks up Sarah, who seriously talks like a Valley Girl, and whisks her away to the top of a building – much to the jealousy of his other drunk castmates “girl friends.” During the helicopter ride, we at home prepared ourselves for the clichéd statements about the date. It’ll probably go something like this:

Sean: Being on top of this building with Sarah is taking our relationship to new heights.

Sarah: If Sean and I like jump off this building together it will mean like we can do anything togetherrrrr.

Sean: Free-falling with Sarah means I’m really taking a chance with her.

Sarah: I know that to like trust Sean means I like have to take this first step off the ledggggge.

Sean: Can you see my abs through my shirt? You can’t?

Sean and Sarah both overcome their fears, learn to trust each other, and know they can do anything together now, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, I notice that Sarah looks exactly like Amanda Beard!
Here is Sarah:

And here is Amanda, you know, the Olympic swimmer?

Sean likes Amanda Sarah and gives her a rose.

Next, Sean goes on a group date that would have been absolutely perfect for 50 Shades of Intoxication girl. Such a bummer she went home early! Sean takes his future wife/ future mother of his children, to shoot covers for romance novels. May the girl with the biggest teeth win. Wait – that’s exactly what happened. The model with the giant teeth won the modeling contest (well gee honey, way to win at your own trade!). At the wrap party fangs started to come out (no I mean seriously, some of the girls had to wear fangs). All the girls had different tactics to capture the muscles of Sean. Little Miss Washington DC (Lesley) decided it was time to give Sean something short and sweet – something to leave him wanting more. So she marched up to him after her first failed attempt, planted one on him and then told him that was all he’d get because she wanted to “leave him wanting more.” Ugh Lesley – it’s much less attractive when you actually say that rather than allow Sean to make that conclusion on his own. Moving on… the next tactic (and it seems to be working) is pouting until the bachelor notices. Nice move, Tierra, nice move. As Sean comforts Teirra, Tierra bats her long false eyelashes at Sean, lamenting how hard it is to pursue a guy. I mean, she’s never had to do that with 25 other women! (Side note – false eyelashes? Interesting Tierra…earlier you said nothing on you was fake. Au Naturale.) Kacie B swoops in on the Bachelor, asking him if he is willing to take her out of the “friend” zone. I think she then calls Sean her boyfriend? Oh Kacie B, why don’t you have something better to do with your time? Kacie B becomes increasingly cocky during the evening since this is her second desperate/ failed attempt at finding love and she knows how to play the game this time!

But the real winner of the night is the Yoga Guru with wild, wild hair who realizes this process is not so zen, inhales deeply, exhales loudly and then approaches Sean with an “om,” which he mistakes for an um. She once again calms her breathing and tells Sean Namaste-ya-later.

Kacie B becomes uncentered upon hearing she is one rose closer to Sean and receives the group rose.

Finally, the last date of the show. Blondie picks up Joey from Dawson’s Creek I mean Katie Holmes I mean, Des for a date to test if Des is someone with which whom he can laugh. He pulls a juvenile prank on her and she takes it well. Sean thereby declares that Des is someone he can get serious with because she laughed at his lame joke. (Quick pull – what is Sean’s lamest prank? The living with his parents/ dirty room prank? The “we eat armadillo” prank? Oh so many good ones! Especially if you are 10!)

But really – here is Des:

And here is Katie Holmes as Joey:

Twinsies!

Finally it’s time for the rose ceremony. Amanda pouted on the couch the entire night. Can you blame her? Did you see her dress? Of course you saw her dress, you couldn’t miss it! It was bright yellow, with giant almost rose-looking shoulder caps. Amanda sat there for so long, ignoring everyone that I feared she had gone mute. But alas, her loud signature necklace and unbrushed hair will see another week.

Single mom from Utah and the girl who looks like Brandy (the singer, not the drink) were sent packing. I guess they’ll have to find true love somewhere else.

Don’t worry, I’m not contagious.

After nearly six agonizing months free from Chris Harrison, hair extensions, an endless flow of alcohol, coveted roses, and extra-tanned bodies, the wait is finally over. Women all over the US hunkered down with their girlfriends and told their significant others to find somewhere else to watch the Notre Dame game. It was time to meet our new Bachelor – Sean Lowe (also known as Em’s third pick. Yikes Sean, not the strongest finish)! Better luck this time.

The Bachelor began with the typical montage of shirtless shower shots, the bachelor doing push-ups, the bachelor climbing a giant rock, the bachelor shirtless again, the bachelor pensively strolling on a beach alone, and the bachelor playing in a doll house. Oh and twelve more shots of the bachelor shirtless. My friend and I quickly began running through a litany of reasons why Sean is just “eh.” First, his personality majorly lacked on Em’s season. Second, his eyebrows are freakishly blond. Third, his skin is orange – and I don’t think it’s from eating too many carrots. Step away from the tanning booth Sean. Fourth, he’s on the Bachelor trying to find “love.” Good luck Sean… But of course Sean does have some redeeming features. He clearly enjoys protein shakes. His family seems very nice. His niece and nephew are cute (good potential his offspring will also be cute). And his parent’s house is beautiful. I could definitely float in that pool.

When it was time to meet the ladies, we squealed with delight. Soon, the excitement turned to gloom when we realized our youth had escaped us and the average age of the ladies is now about three years younger than us. Alas, we rallied and were fully prepared to be appalled by 97% of the ladies. Here are some of the memorable girls:

Wedding Dress Girl – Desiree, the wedding planner who works in a bridal gown shop. Unexpectedly, we did not find her too tan, too fake-chested, too dyed, or too trashy! We liked her. She looked sort of like a mix between Deanna Pappas and Katie Holmes (Dawson’s Creek era) and seemed mildly wholesome. Unfortunately her hair was disastrous when she met Sean and the front of her dress was too Grecian (although, the back was really beautiful). Desiree has potential (and potentially a boyfriend if the future scenes are accurate!).

First Rose Girl -Tierra – how can you forget a stripper name like that? And how can you forget about those insanely arched eyebrows? Apparently Sean couldn’t forget and broke rose protocol. Seeking permission from the Almighty Chris Harrison, Sean presented Tierra with the first rose of the evening. Cue the groans… is Tierra the new Courtney? Likely.

The Actual Wedding Dress Girl – Lindsay the substitute teacher. Good luck getting your next gig Lindsay – I fear the school board might frown on your slurred speech and the fact that you told Sean it was ok to kiss you because you “weren’t contagious.” Run Sean, run! But what does Sean do? Gives her a rose.

Fifty Shades of Intoxication Girl – Don’t know her name and don’t really care. Poor thing was a hot mess. I think Fifty Shades girl got confused (understandable given that she drank her body weight)–Christian is the name of the main character in Fifty Shades of Gray and while Sean calls himself Christian, it has nothing to do with the book. Poor Fifty Shades has to find someone else to tie up. Her dance moves were sent packing, not before apologizing to her Mother though…

The One We’ve Seen Before – Hey! That’s Kacie! The baton twirler from Ben’s season. The one who had the EPIC breakdown in the limo ride, screaming “what the BEEEEEEEEP happened. WHAT THE BEEEEEEEP HAPPENED!.” As if that wasn’t embarrassment enough, Kacie reappeared on Ben’s season begging to get him back (seriously Kacie, Ben is a stump.) If you recall, the scene culminated with Kacie laying on the hotel floor, rejected again. But, she’s back and apparently she has not eaten since she last saw Ben. Sean was weary about giving her a rose for fear the weight of it might double her over. Really though, I like Kacie and her hair looked amazing last night! Now go eat some ice cream Kacie. And maybe consider dying your hair blond (we see Sean with a blond).

Potentially Broken Limb Girl – Robyn – the gymnast – who crashed and burned. A royal flop. And maybe broke her arm/ cracked her head open. Poor thing. Back handsprings in a full-length gown on a wet driveway is probably a bad idea…especially when you’re drunk. But cute dress! Next time remember – don’t drink and flip.

Worst Dress of the Night Girl – Diana. The divorcee with two kids who lives in Salt Lake City. I’m going to take a wild guess and say she’s Mormon. Maybe call one-f Jef? He’s single! Diana was cute in her pre-show interview but then showed up in what can only be described as a nightmare. Her dress was a tank top on top (bra straps showing in back- things not so perky in front) and a giant white skirt. Aw-ful. There was enough fabric there to hide Kacie under her skirt. Never saw her talk with Em’s cast-off but apparently he liked her enough to give her a rose.

Giant Mouth and Teeth Girl – Kristy. The Ford Model from Wisconsin. In her pre-show interview Kristy exuded arrogance, vanity and giant giant teeth quite well. She thinks her you know what don’t stink! But, my Mother pointed out that Darien, Wisconsin has a terrible school district. When Sean finds that out, I’m sure her teeth will be in the first limo outta town!

There were so many gems and Sean will undoubtedly find his 4-6 week fiancé in this mix. I just hope she enjoys oiling up Sean’s abs and sitting on his back while he does push-ups. We are excited to see the girls out of their gowns/ crazy hair extensions and in their “natural habitat,” (aka the mansion), as my friend said!