Monthly Archives: March 2015

Like a Virgin

Basically, I stink.  Worst blogger in the history of bloggers.  I’m so sorry for my major major delay AGAIN in posting.  I was still dealing with some personal things that precluded me from doing a recap of the overnight dates.  Oh and also, my hand is too sore to type from having to haul this new thing around:


That’s right.  I’ve accepted the final rose!  Now let’s start analyzing who might accept the Farmer’s final rose…

ABC has finally decided to spend a little money and take the remaining three women and Farmer, to Bali.  Megan is somewhere shaking her head that she’s not going to get a second stamp in her passport.  Farmer says that if he’s going to pop a Neil Lane on someone’s finger at the end of this journey, then he needs to make sure they are down for a little somethin’ somethin’ in the bedroom.  He uses the term “intimacy,” but we all know that translates to “somethin’ somethin’.”  Basically, Farmer is going for three for three.

One on One: Kaitlyn 

Kaitlyn gets to go first (lucky lady – how would you like to go third?  Ick.).  For the date, Kaitlyn picks out a pair of light pink shorts she borrowed from her 13-year-old sister.  She wraps her legs around Farmer when she greets him and we are moments away from needing a Jillian privacy box.  The two of them head into a sacred temple, where they aren’t allowed to kiss, and where multiple sarongs need to be wrapped round Kaitlyn, since she essentially left the hotel in her underwear.

They spend the rest of the date talking to locals, walking through the streets and letting monkeys crawl on top of Farmer’s head. At dinner, Kailtyn says she is going to let her guard down tonight.  Farmer is totally stoked.  He hands her the card, which still reads: “Welcome to the magical island of Bali.  I hope you are enjoying your stay.  Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.”  How weird is it that they still use the word fantasy?  Ew.  That grosses me out.  They both agree they “deserve,” this and head off to the fantasy suite, which includes a bath of rose petals.   She tells him she is falling in love with him and he says he’s falling in love with her.  Wowza!  Really?  Farmer, I don’t think you’re supposed to say that!

One on One: Whitney 

Farmer must like Whit a little more than Kaitlyn because he takes her on a beautiful boat ride with champagne.  Whit dwells on her hometown date and basically tells Farmer she hopes her sister didn’t ruin her chances of marriage.  Farmer tells Whit he respects her sister’s position but it doesn’t change anything.  He in confident when the time is right, sister will give Farmer her blessing.  They jump into the ocean, which looks cold and tumultuous, and talk about metaphors related to jumping and love.

At dinner, Farmer talks about Arlington and whether Whit could actually move there.  Whit tells Farmer that she would probably never choose to move to the middle of nowhere BUT she always felt like something was missing and wants marriage and children to complete her.  She says babies will be her career.  Well, babies are kind of all ready your career Whit…

Whit feels confident enough to move to Arlington and also to forgo her individual room key.  Luckily, ABC puts them in a clean room.

One on One: Becca 

Becca decides to wear really weird black rain repellant gym shorts on this date.  I don’t know why.  When in Bali. She knows today is the day she has to finally tell Farmer that she’s a virgin.  Meanwhile, Farmer is contemplating that he’s about to go three for three. Farmer and Becca explore the Bali countryside and make out in a river.  They meet with some Bali guru who gives Becca advice to make love tonight.  Becca literally has sweat beads pouring off her face.  Ten bucks says the guru works for ABC.

Becca and Farmer talk about Arlington and how small it is.  Becca says there’s no way in heck she’s moving to Arlington unless she’s really sure about Farmer.  She says she’s still sorting through her feelings for Farmer.  Honesty is not going to get you to the end Becca.  If you want to win this thing, then you tell him Arlington is everything you’ve ever dreamed of.  You can’t wait to sport the Iowa hairdo.

Farmer says it’s time to get to know each other on a “whole new level.”  Uh oh. Sorry Farmer, you will not gain carnal knowledge of Becca tonight.  Becca agrees to spend the night in the fantasy suite nicer hotel room than her own and break the news to Farmer.  She takes so long to tell him, I start to wonder if he is worried about her anatomy.  Finally she gets it out.  The V word.  Chris lets out a big sigh.  He was so close to winning 100 bucks from Harrison.  Farmer stumbles over his words and says it’s not easy to respond but that he respects that.  Then they make out.

Rose Ceremony 

In the morning, Farmer is confused.  How will he know if Becca is marriage material without knowing her intimately?  Also, she doesn’t want to move to Arlington.  Like, sup with that?

The girls are all dressed in their finest Bali-wear.  Farmer wears a karate uniform. Farmer does not know what to do and pulls Becca aside.  Kaitlyn and Whit start prematurely celebrating their impending move to Arlington.  Not so fast (Kaitlyn!).

They chit chat about Arlington more and Farmer tells Becca he really cares about her and is just trying to make a good decision.  Farmer brings Becca back to the rose ceremony.  Kaitlyn’s eyes bug out upon seeing Becca and she whispers an “oh shoot” under her breath.  And for good reason.  Whit is mad too. She says about Becca, “She’s young.  She lacks life experience and she’s not ready.”  Someone sounds threatened.

Becca and Whit are going home to Iowa.  Kaitlyn is taking the lonely plane ride back to Canada. Whit has a smug mug on when she sees Kaitlyn get rejected.  How are these the final two?  Boring and even more boring.

When Farmer says goodbye to Kaitlyn, she refuses to look him in the eyes.  As Farmer hugs her, we can hear his pounding heart.  I hope they have an ABC medic near; that is a racing heart!  She replays the fantasy date night in her head and definitely wishes she was a virgin in this moment.  A rooster crows in the middle of Chris’ explanation, which consisted of a series of “I don’t knows.”  Another rooster crows, signaling it’s time for Kaitlyn to get in the rejection van.

Farmer is left contemplating his fate with the sweatiest arm pits I’ve ever seen.  Someone get this man a towel. And a new shirt.

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