Tag Archives: roses

Why Did You Do that?

I have failed you, my friends.  On probably the most entertaining episode so far this season, I did not provide an update.  Life got the best of me (namely, dog sitting for my parents, bringing the total number of pets in my 1300 square foot home to a whopping FOUR, for two weeks).  Ben finally came to his senses and told the producers he wasn’t going to be a puppet in their game any longer – Olivia needed to go.  The producers agreed he could cut her loose but only on an island with hurricanic winds and no viable plan to bring Olivia back to safe shores.  I can only assume that somewhere in the Bahamas, Olivia has found her Wilson and hopefully learned how to build a fire.

On to this week.  Ben decided it was time to bring his remaining ladies back to his hometown: Warsaw, Indiana.

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Becca is nervous she’ll need to find Indiana on a map upon demand.  She thinks it’s somewhere near Nebraska or Kansas.  The Twin has never been anywhere with temperatures less than 60 degrees.  My mind wanders to the Warsaw Pact and I contemplate if any of these women can name a single treaty.

Warsaw looks, surprisingly, like a lovely town.  It’s beautiful and quaint.  Serve up Ben with a side of Apple Pie and it looks like a scene in my 4th grade social studies book.  Hashtag americana.

Ben meets his parents at the local greasy spoon.  Um.  Ben’s dad is a hottie. Hey there, silver fox! Ben tells his parents he’s falling in love.  His mom tries to wipe the horrified look off her face.  Is Ben an only child?  Anyone?  Bueller?

Later, Ben picks up the ladies in a pontoon boat and I’m officially on board with Ben.  Anyone with a boat has me sold.

First One-on-One Date: Lauren B

I think we are finally down to one Lauren, which means I can stop pretending to know who the other Lauren is or what her last name initial is.  Ben tells the story of his first kiss, which happened in 7th grade.  I was still playing with Barbies in 7th grade.  I’m not sure which one of us is the normal one. And if that didn’t convince you, surely this will:

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Really appealing. Who knew I was such a patriot!

You are welcome for that.  Don’t act like you didn’t have an awkward phase.

Ben takes Lauren on a tour of Warsaw, which includes an after school program center where Ben used to work, I assume 10 years ago. Ben and Lauren play with the kids.  Lauren says she fits in well with the kids because she’s the same size as them and only a few years older.  Some members from the Indiana Pacer’s show up to play with the kids.  I think that’s some sort of pro basketball team.  Lauren giggles like a school girl as she tries to play with Paul George’s balls.  I mean basketball.  Ben is irritated that the Pacer’s sent their most attractive player.

Later, Ben takes Lauren to his local dive bar to meet his friends.  Interestingly enough, Farmer Chris took his winner, Whitney, to the bar to meet his friends too.  Coincidence?

Second One-on-One Date: JoJo

JoJo and Ben are heading to the windy city for, I hope, some strolling and shopping on Michigan Ave followed by drinks on the top level of the John Hancock.  Or, in the alternative, a boat architecture tour and a stop at Navy Pier.  Or hit up some of the fantastic museums and see a show.

But no.  Instead, they spend the entire day AND NIGHT at Wrigley.  Look.  I get it.  Wrigley is cool and historic and BLAH BLAH BLAH.  But come on. They weren’t even at a game!  They were just at Wrigley.  Doing nothing.

It’s official.  JoJo’s first trip to Chicago was a total waste. They play baseball, they make out and that’s about it. Zzz.

Group Date: Caila, Becca, Mom

Ben takes the girls to some remote area to row boats and fly kites.  Does anyone else not like flying kites?  I like watching them but I’ve never successfully launched my kite.  Mom agrees and hopes there is more to the date than flying kites. Be careful what you wish for.

Becca pulls Ben aside and tells him “just don’t blindside me.”  Consider yourself forewarned, Bachelor viewers.

The group date is over faster than you can say Chris Harrison.  Mom gets the group date rose and gets to continue her romantic evening  at McDonalds.  She’s hoping she can at least supersize things, or else this is nothing but a total waste.  She can’t believe she’s starved herself for weeks only to have to force down an Egg McMuffin on national TV.

We get it McDonalds.  You sponsor the Bachelor.  Now give me free fries for life and I’ll sing you nothing but high praises.

Ben tells Amanda he brought the girls to Warsaw because he wanted them to experience the normal things he does, such as going to McDonalds. And apparently, working at McDonalds.  Dear god.  This is so stupid.  And that’s coming from someone who eats McDonalds more often than I care to admit.

There was slight redemption when Ben took Amanda to the local carnival.  Ten bucks says it was this same location where Ben smooched his first girl in 7th grade. As Amanda sits at the top of the Ferris Wheel, making out with Ben, she says that she feels like the luckiest girl in the world right now.  A carny could make you feel that way every day for the rest of your life. Just throwing that out there.

Third One-on-One Date: Twin 

Emily gets the last coveted one-on-one date. Ben takes Emily in his pontoon boat, where she verifies that the birds she sees in the water, are in fact, swans.

As a fun surprise, Ben takes Emily to his house to meet his parents.  Emily, totally freaked, wishes she would have worn jeans that exposed less of her knee caps and thighs.

Emily tells the camera she’s really nervous.  She says talking to people makes her really anxious and she doesn’t want to make an idiot of herself.  Ben’s mom pulls Emily aside for some private conversation and what comes out of Emily’s mouth is pure word diarrhea.

  • Emily: So I’m one of the youngest ones here. And like I’m 23 and I don’t know, it’s just been,  I don’t know, kind of hard and I know I’m young and I don’t travel a lot but this has been really hard but I have really blossomed and grown and I didn’t know I would turn into this woman. I am young and there is um so much that I want to do and I have so many dreams and I’ve dreamed of being a NFL cheerleader for as long as I can remember.  And so, yeah, the Denver Broncos.
  • Mom: Horrified face.  Fights back tears.
  • Emily: So it’s just your son and he makes me feel ready and not scared.  I’ve always wanted to get married young and have kids young.  I’ve been average my entire life but I feel like I’ll be an above average wife and mother.

Meanwhile, Ben’s dad calls Emily “very attractive,” and “very young.”  Emily has some alone time with Ben’s dad and tells him that she loves movies and if she could sit around all day, she would watch movies.  And she hates vegetables.

With one rip in her pants too many, her lack of nutritious eating, and her desire to watch movies all day (she’s basically me), Emily pounds the final nail into her proverbial coffin. Poor Em.  She’s such a sweet girl.  And yes, she’s young, and yes, she rambled a bit, but I wouldn’t call her immature.  Maybe slightly naive.  But simply because she wants to be an NFL cheerleader and dyes her hair very very blonde, doesn’t make Emily less deserving of Ben’s love than the next girl.  Maybe she isn’t right for Warsaw, Indiana, but there is definitely some one out there who will love Emily and her twin, exactly as they are.  Maybe even Paul George.  Paul George, you available for my girl Em?

Emily handles the dumping with grace and dignity.  I’m left annoyed by the ABC producers.  Do you really think Ben was considering marrying Emily?  Was this entire date designed to embarrass her?  Was he really just unsure?  What do you guys think?

Ben skips the cocktail party and hands out roses to JoJo, Lauren and Caila.  Becca, looking livid, whispers into Ben’s ear, “why did you do that,”  as though Becca, despite already being on this dumb show once, does not understand the show’s premise.  Apparently she thought threatening him with “don’t blindside me,” meant she couldn’t be eliminated the same way EVERY GIRL gets eliminated.  Now please Becca, don’t come back.  Bye.

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Yes, A Thousand Times Yes.

Almost 10 years ago I was headed off to college (YAY COLLEGE!).  On a side note, when did I get so old?  As I’ve said previously, I’m too old to be a contestant on this show.  De-press-ing.  I’m also too educated to be a contestant on this show.  Also, de-press-ing.  I’d also like to think I’m too sophisticated for the show…but MAN I would have been amazing on this show 10 years ago.   Hot tub soaking ability?  Above average.  Bikini strutting?  Excellent.  Cocktail sipping (read: guzzling)?  Um, I’m from Wisconsin.  I could do it.

But I digress.  Back to my first year of college.  Like every freshman at a liberal arts college, I had to take it all: theology 101, philosophy 101, piano for beginners, some sort of math and science class that I never paid attention in, and finally, the BIG freshman class, psychology 101.  My dear dear DEAR roommate and I had the joy of taking Psych 101 together.  It was amazing.  Our professor referred to us collectively as “the roommates.”  We studied the brain, we diagnosed our problems, we dreamed of meat powder, and then one day, we learned about a concept that was revolutionary in our world: co-rumination.  I’m a little rusty on my psychology but as I recall it was essentially the act of rehashing/ talking about/ remembering every. single. minute detail of an event (usually negative) for hours upon hours with another person (in this case, my roommate and me) until you both feel miserable, even though you didn’t feel miserable to start!  The goal isn’t to FEEL miserable, but you just dwell and dwell and dwell.  We were EXCELLENT co-ruminators and we thought it was amazing that we had a diagnosis for our frequent perseverations (although, I think that’s an entirely different psychological phenomenon.  Mom? Dad?  Side note – they are actual psychologists, not the “arm chair” psychologist I’m currently holding myself out to be.)

What’s the point of this lovely little vignette?  The point is that ABC is FORCING US to co-ruminate with Des, even if we don’t want to.  We’re forced to watch Brooks dump Des high and dry, all over again.  We’re forced to watch her sob and wonder why her mascara doesn’t run.  We’re forced to wonder why nobody can hand Brooks a freaking kleenex for all that STUFF coming out his nose.  Maybe he needs a nasal adjustment from Chris’ dad.  And you know what, just as I learned in psych 101, it sucks reliving something negative over and over again.

Also co-ruminating with Des tonight is Chris Harrison and a LIVE studio audience.  Do you think they get the audience drunk ahead of time so tears flow more easily?  Back in Antigua, Chris sits down with Des to talk to her about the situation.

  • Chris: Des, what’s shaking?  What’s with the sourpuss?
  • Des: Didn’t you hear?  Brooks left.
  • Chris: Oh.  And you care about that?  But did you see how much stuff was in his hair?
  • Des: I want to go home.
  • Chris: Well, you’ve got two more guys here.  Chris and Drew.  Remember them?  The fantasy suite?
  • Des: (giggling)  I love BOTH of them!  They are both expressive, and affectionate, and loving, and Drew likes men.  I’m not broken.  So I’m going to pretend I love one of them.

Again, despite the tears, Des’ makeup NEVER runs.  What is the secret!  For some reason, next we have a rose ceremony where Des cries some more, tells the guys essentially she loves Brooks and is heartbroken but wants to know if they’ll still accept her rose. Romance.  Don’t you just love it when the girl you love is crying over another guy but asks you to still date her?  It’s a love built for lasting.  She sobs as she hands out roses, accidentally saying “Brooks” twice instead of Chris and Drew.  Chris is bummed Des is crying over Brooks but he figures it’s nothing a little poetry can’t fix.

And to continue in the awkwardness, Harrison sends Des on some dates with Drew and Chris.  Des knows she’ll never cross the finish line with Drew (interpret as you will) and thus she is free to wear her ugliest “shirt” on the date.  I say shirt in quotes because it’s more like a Halloween costume top for a child going as Sacajawea.  Des pairs her crop top with some low-flung, hip huggin’ pants that were very reminiscent of Christina Aguilera’s outfit in her music video “Genie in a Bottle.”  I know Des is heart broken but wardrobe should have insisted she put on pants that she hasn’t had since 1999.  Des and Drew take to horses like a scene out of “Brokeback Mountain” (again, interpret as you will) and Des realizes she is NOT having it.  Drew cheers Des to being in love and Des replies, “cheers to Brooks!”  Then starts sobbing.  She tells Drew what he already knows – that she doesn’t feel the same way about him as he does her.  She doesn’t see their future together.  Drew sighs and tries to run his fingers through is hair but then realizes his hair pomade guarantees to keep hairs in place up to 48 hours, even in the event of a nuclear holocaust, making this attempt futile.  Also, what’s up with Drew’s puffy purple shorts?  That is all.  See ya Drew.

It’s time for Des’ date with Chris.  I get a little excited because I figure she’s ready to kick him to the curb and then Brooks will come running in begging for another chance.  I know it’s going to happen.  Except it didn’t. She didn’t kick Chris to the curb.  And so far Brooks hasn’t come running, or walking back in.  Des makes out with Chris (nothing heals the heart like making out with someone else).  She decides he is worthy of meeting her family.  But first, Chris pulls out the journal Zak W gave to Des months ago.  Des ignores the scribbled out message from Zak and heads straight to the back where Chris has recorded all of his poetry from the season.  Des regrets telling him he can meet her family.

What I can only assume is like 8 hours after Brooks left and Des was left heartbroken, Des takes Chris to meet her family. Chris takes some anti-anxiety medication in anticipation of the verbal assault he’s anticipating from Des’ charming brother.  Ironically, Des’ brother is wearing a shirt that very very closely resembles jail stripes.  Coincidence or is he really on a furlough from jail?  It would be fitting with all the prison tats.  Des wears a darling coral dress ( I want!).  While broski gives Chris the third degree, he manages not to act too insane.  He must be medicated.  Chris asks Des’ dad for his hand in marriage.  Dad asks if he’s Brooks?  Chris replies no, he’s Chris NOT Brooks.  Dad gives his approval to Chris and in the alternative, Brooks.

With 20 remaining minutes left in the show, I regain confidence that Brooks MUST be about to reclaim Des.  Will it happen at the rose ceremony?  Or maybe Des will pull a Mesnick, pick Chris only to choose Brooks at the After the Final Rose?  Whatever the path, I was certain Brooks would place the Neil Lane on Des’ finger.  No doubt.

Until I had doubt.  Pretty soon it was the proposal time.  Chris visited Neil Lane.  Oh Neil.  Just the sight of you made me laugh so hard.  Probably my favorite moment in the show.  Neil shows up again with his bevy of gaudy rings that look like costume jewelry.   Chris chooses one that resembles the one from the game “Pretty Pretty Princess,” and assumes Des will love it because she loves the 90s. It also featured “rose gold.”  How convenient. Neil Lane shines the giant diamond on his bare chest and wishes Chris good luck.  Neil also asks that he pass the ring on to Brooks when Brooks shows up.

Des puts on a dress that I love (super flattering on her body) and shows up to the proposal sight.  She looks around for Brooks but he’s not there yet.  Chris shows up, starts to get down on one knee and Des stops him.  THIS IS IT, I think!  She’s going to break up with him and call Brooks!  Only, she tells him that her feelings for Brooks made her blind to her feelings for Chris.  Umm ok.  I’m not sure that’s what I’d want to hear from the person I’m asking to marry, but what do I know.  Chris takes it as a good sign and drops to one knee, pulls out the Neil and Des declares, “Yes, a thousand times, YES!” Just like she had always practiced as a pretty pretty princess in the tent.

I figured my theory about Brooks was about to ring true at the After the Final Rose.  But it DIDN’T.  Des STILL chose Chris.  And dare I say it… they seem happy!  She is moving to Seattle as I type this.  And Seattle is where Chris lives, not Brooks. Just to be clear, I didn’t WANT Des to choose Brooks, I just really thought she’d end up with him.  But I like her and Chris together.  Even if his 5th grade poetry makes me want to shove needles in my eyes.   Oh and also.  JUAN PABLO.  I’d Juan Pablo that.  No.  Seriously:

Juan-Pablo

Please accept my thorny, sarcastic, final rose of the season! Until next season my dear dear readers!

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Impersonation of a Southern Gentleman

The quest to find true love naturally must occur in Munich, Germany.  When I traveled to Munich, I didn’t find true love.  Instead, I found giant beer steins (actually, does that count as love?), an amazing sausage (an actual sausage, not whatever phallic thing you’re thinking of right now, pervert!), and a chance encounter with an Austrian man who befriended me, only to rob me later.  Ah Germany, you treated me like a bad boyfriend.  And like all bad boyfriends, I can’t wait to go back!

stein

But alas, back to Des and her quest to find “liebe.”  4 years of German and I know the word for love!  Yippy!

ABC provides our vying men with matching hoodies.  Inside the hoodies I can only assume ABC stitched contact information for when they have one too many German brewskis.  Chris Harrison shows up in Deutschland wearing a blue fashion scarf to explain that there will be one one-on-one date, a group date, and a two-on-one date.  The guys head to their luxury hotel and I can’t help but think back to the hostel I stayed in complete with foreign roommates and foreign hair covering the pillow.  Das ist nicht gut! (Translation: that is not good!)

One on One: Chris

Since it’s Des’ first time in Europe, Des and Chris are going to just explore Munich and act like tourists.  Good idea Des, since you ARE tourists.  A bit of advice, ja?  Don’t set your purse down if you REALLY feel like polkaing.  It might result in losing all the contents.  Some of us had to learn that the hard way.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel Bryden is continuing his breakdown from last week’s episode.  His feelings are not progressing as quickly as some of the other men.  Bryden decides that rather than wait for Des’ date to end, he should go tell her immediately.  Or at least one of the producers tells Bryden that’s a brilliant idea.

On the date, Des and Chris go to a sausage shop, try on lederhosen and attempt to fake polka in the streets.  Or what I call, a Friday night in Milwaukee.

Bryden takes to the streets to ask random Germans if they have seen television cameras in the area.  Kind of like the crew that’s following you around,  Bry?  Also, since I can only assume ABC sent him on this quest, can’t they at least just tell him where Des and Chris are pathetically skipping around in a circle?  (Not the polka, folks.  Not remotely.)  Bryden crashes the date and steals Des away to tell her he won’t accept any more roses.  Chris feels irritated that he might need to comfort Des when she comes back.

Bryden thanks ABC for fixing his “Caesar style” haircut and heads back to the States.

Chris and Des continue their date, first drinking huge steins and then going to a fancy ballroom for dinner.  Des wears a gorgeous sparkly dress.  Unfortunately Chris subjects Des to more elementary poetry, this time about the rose ceremonies.  Rose ceremony poetry!  Geez, he might as well write a poem about Chris Harrison!  Do women actually like poetry?  Because it makes me feel awkward.  Rose for Chris.  And for the fifth straight week, ABC sends Des and Chris to a private concert.  I don’t understand why the private concert thing keeps happening?  Does the Bachelor franchise have its own music label?  If this is going to continue, could you please feature Rod Stewart, ABC? Thanks!

Group Date: Juan Pablo, James, Zak, Brooks, Drew, Mikey, #Kasey

That means the prosecutor and Ben will face the dreaded two-on-one date.  The prosecutor vows to “kill” Ben.  That ought to be good for his career.  The prosecutor also plans on exposing Ben for the “fraud he is.”  To be certain he wins his case on the date, Michael subpoenas all the other contestants, the Bachelor camera crew, and Ben’s 4 year old son as possible witnesses.

ABC has replaced the matching zip-up hoodies with matching coats and Ray Ban sunglasses for everyone.  When did a free wardrobe become part of this show?  The crew heads to the top of the highest peak in Germany via a gondola (jealous!)  At the top of the mountain, they hear something that sort of sounds like my mom attempting to sing “The Lonely Goatherd” from the Sound of Music.  Turns out, that sound was a yodeler, not my Mother.  Riiiiiicoooollllaaa.

After everyone gets their yodel out, they get on some sleds and participate in liability sledding.  Des crashes and Drew plummets right into her.  Specifically into her kidneys.  Des laughs it off and inside her kidney ruptures.  Des says the activities bring her back to her childhood.  You know how snowy California can get.  And she also proclaims, “this is the happiest place on the earth.”  All this time I was under the impression Disney World was the happiest place on earth!

The date concludes in an igloo, where all the contestants have to wear their ABC issued parkas, long underwear, snow pants, furry blankets and boots to prevent hypothermia.  How sexy.  As someone who spends 10 months a year shivering, the last thing I want to do is spend a date in an ice house.  Brooks and Des steam up an ice room with a passionate make out session.  Mikey and Des build a snowman outside.  Des is floored that Mikey can build a snowman in like 30 seconds.  Zak interrupts the snowman building by practicing his yodeling.  Des finds this hilarious and tramples Mikey’s snowman to the ground as she runs to Zak.  Zak’s teeth glow brighter than the snow-capped mountain tops and Zak says the last time he was in Germany he contemplated becoming a priest.  When he found out he couldn’t run around naked, he decided the priesthood was not a good fit.  Amen brother.  Des lines up the remaining men, makes out with them and declares Brooks the best kisser, giving him the rose.

Two-on-One: The Prosecutor Michael and the one Michael wants to “kill” Ben

A limo picks up Michael and Ben.  Ben wears the tightest pair of pants he can find.  Michael wears his lucky button down shirt that got him his first “guilt” verdict.  In the limo, Michael goes over the evidence that proves beyond a reasonable doubt that Ben is a fraud.  The always thoughtful ABC stocks the limo full of hard liquor to make sure all parties are comfortable.  Michael downs his bourbon while he ponders if he’ll have the opportunity to yell “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH” at Ben.  Michael says that he will use his trial tactics to expose Ben as a fraud and as an impersonator of a southern gentleman.  I can just see this arraignment:

Court: The Defendant is charged with count one: fraud, a felony offensive in violation of Statute blah blah blah and count two: impersonation of a southern gentleman, a felony offensive in violation of the law according to Scarlet O’Hara.  How does the defendant plead?

Defendant Ben:  Not guilty to counts one and two.  Your honor, I ask that count two be dismissed and that the prosecutor be charged with prosecutorial misconduct.  Scarlet O’Hara law was outlawed after the Emancipation Proclamation.

I digress. Ben blots his sweaty brow while ignoring Michael’s smoldering looks.  They meet up with Des and they share some spiked hot chocolate on a bench.  When they are nice and boozy, Des takes the guys to the MOST. AMAZING. THING. I. HAVE. EVER. SEEN.  It requires shouty caps, it was that great.  A hot tub that floats around a lake – a “hot tug.”  How can I live in the coldest place EVER and not have one of those?  Must purchase.

Of course the hot tug temperatures rose to an uncomfortable level when Michael began his “trial” tactics.  Also known as bullying.  Michael begins interrogating Ben, calling him an absentee father and relaying to Des how his own father abandoned his family, just like Ben.  Ben bites his tongue (I feel like biting Michael).

Back at the hotel, Drew relays to the other guys that he heard James say that when he gets back to Chicago, he will have tall women lined up at the door (that’s like 3 levels of hearsay, in case anyone is wondering).   He will take them on a boat and be intimate and he will be king of Chicago!  Even without using a hit-man!  He hopes he plays his cards right and can be the next Bachelor.  Drew resolves to tell Des about the newest house fraud at the rose ceremony.

Back at the awkward two on one date, the trio heads to dinner.  I notice Des is drinking A LOT.  Michael begins his interrogation of Ben, asking why he has no friends in the house.  Des tries to change the topic and asks what family traditions the guys want to start.  Ben says he wants to go to church every Sunday as a family.  Michael sees this as his opportunity to begin the impeachment process of Ben.

Michael: Why didn’t you go to church on Easter Sunday, like the rest of us?

Ben: I didn’t go because it was a Catholic ceremony and it was in German.

Michael: Well, that didn’t stop me from going and I worship the devil!

Ben: Easter is very important to me.

Michael: You didn’t talk to your son on Easter.  I know because I creepily stalk you.  And I’m obsessed with you.  And I am an a-hole!

Ben: I’m choosing to invoke my fifth amendment rights.

Ben excuses himself from the table.  Des scolds Michael for his attack on Ben.  In Des’ most profound statement yet, she tells Michael, “just because you go to church doesn’t mean you’re close to God.” Preach it sister!  She tells Michael he was too aggressive and is unsure if she could keep either of them.

Please, send Michael home. He is so annoying.  He is the reason people dislike lawyers.  Or get rid of them both.  Adios amigos!  Sadly, Des shows she is an awful judge of character and gives Michael a rose.  After watching Michael act like a total sausage (insert different word), I really can’t believe he got a rose. I understand the guys don’t like Ben, but I certainly never saw Ben act like a villain.

In the rejection limo Ben asks when he can go in public with dates again.  He also lets Hollywood know he’s available.  He proclaims it’s time to go get drunk and live up his last night in Germany.  Maybe this is the behavior the guys were talking about?

Rose Ceremony

Des shows up looking absolutely beautiful at the rose ceremony.  Her makeup was flawless, her hair was perfect, her dress was beautiful and I had serious earring envy.  Chris spends the night with Des quizzing her about who is the best kisser (Brooks, she says).  It sort of felt like a dad asking his daughter questions that should never be asked.  Awkwarddddd.  Chris offers to make out with Des to see if she thinks he’s better than Brooks.  Des declines after recalling rumors that Chris made out with Emily.

Des has made up her mind and thus there is no need for a cocktail party.  Drew fumes that he won’t be able to warn Des about Fraud 2.0 James.  Ultimately, no rose for Mikey.  Awww, I really grew to like Mikey and his ties to the mafia.

Next week the crew heads to Spain.  Auf Wiedersehen!

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She’s like a unicorn

As soon as I find out this week’s episode will take place in Atlantic City, all I can think about is Sex and the City and the much more colorful name Samantha calls Atlantic City.  Think of  a word that rhymes with City and means boobies.   That show is so much more hilarious than this dreadful nightmare!

The 13 remaining men head to Atlantic City, where #hashtag Kasey keenly observes that this is just like Vegas…but on the ocean.  Well put Kasey, well put.  Nothing like stating the obvious, my tall-haired friend.  The guys get to their Atlantic City hotel where they are thrilled to be away from the mansion  and finally able to sleep in beds that Jake and Vienna never touched.  Or the dude who wore the mask.  Or Bentley.  Or Ben and Courtney.

First One on One, Brad: Let our Love Shine Through (is that a reference to Brad’s propensity for domestics?  Like a shiner?  A black eye?)

They head to the Boardwalk where Brad admits that the reason he got into the domestic is because his ex found out he likes men, not women. Seriously, I do NOT believe this dude likes women.  After riding some coasters, Des and Brad go to a salt water taffy and chocolate factory.  After they get loaded up on sugar, they ride the carousel.  Brad says in the most monotone, most FLAT affect voice I’ve ever heard “this has been fun.”  Des enthusiastically agrees with a “yeah.”

You know when I say things are fun?  Generally when they aren’t that fun.  It’s sort of like listening to a lame story and replying, “that’s hilarious.”  But you really don’t think it’s hilarious.  Also, you know what sounds more fun than riding a carousel?  Not riding a carousel.

There is a sand castle involved, a giant winter scarf, and a dinner with conversation as bland as unseasoned ground chuck.  Des decides she doesn’t want to chance Brad pulling a Larry Craig, so he sends him packing.  Well, first she makes him trek to the top of a lighthouse.  Then, when she catches her breath she tells him a wide-stance can’t be in her future.

widestance

Group Date: I’m Looking for my Mister Right
Brooks, Bryden, Zak W,  Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Zack K, Mikey, Ben, Michael, Chris

On the group date, the men will be competing in a pageant for the title of Mr. America.  Where has this date been all my life?  This MUST become a regular date on this show.  Des meets up with the men and Brooks says that Des is a “mystical creature.  She’s like a unicorn.”  Um ok.  Moving on.  Ms. America is also on the date and I can’t help but notice many of the men seem more into her than the unicorn.  Michael is thrilled.  He said, “as a young kid I often dreamed of becoming Mr. America.”  Wait. What? Cue the groans.

The boys meet their pageant coach and start working on their talents.  Chris realizes his real talent is showing off his perfectly sculpted (and what appears to be silky smooth) legs and therefore opts for a pair of stilettos.  Aside from talent, the men will also face an interview round and of course, the reason we are watching, a swim-suit contest.

The men are assigned swimsuits.  Some unfortunately have to wear Des’ swimsuit bottoms.  Others get to sport much cuter ones straight from the 2013 Vineyard Vines catalog.  Official swimsuit regulation rules: no inseam is allowed to be longer than 5 inches.  Juan Pablo is thrilled to see his own banana hammock shipped all the way from Venezuela.  That’s a relief.  Ben is worried he doesn’t have the goods to fill out Des’ size 2 bikini bottoms.  Mikey is devastated his suit is the regulated 5 inches and thus, Des’ won’t be able to fully appreciate his package.

Ladies and Gentleman, it’s time for the SHOW!  Judging from the size of those suits, get out your dollar bills.  The Almighty Chris is here to host in front of the live audience.

Interviews:

Kasey

Q: In a relationship are you a giver or a taker?
AI’m a giver.  I’m a romantic.  It’s why I wear my hair so high.  Her love electrocutes me.

Zak

Q: If you could be water or fire, which would you be and why?
A: Fire.  It’s my responsibility to burn her.

Brooks

Q: If you could be any animal what would you be?
A: A cat. Meow.

Chris

Q: What relationships skills do you feel you need to improve upon and be specific.
A: 
Take her out to dinner more times than necessary.  I don’t think it’s necessary for women to eat. At least not often.

Juan Pablo

Q: Explain your ideal woman.
A: 
She has to love my daughter.  Oh yeah, Des, I have a kid. Did I forget to mention that?  And she has to be a good dancer.  Because we all know, intelligence, honestly, kindness–those things only get you so far.

Mikey

Q: What is one thing most women do not understand about men, and why not?
A: 
Women just see me as a piece of meat.  What they don’t understand is that under all that meat, is more meat.  I cry inside.  I like long walks on the beach, especially before a big ol’ glass of creatine.

Talents:

Kasey

Kasey tells an adorable story about tap dancing as a kid and then does a little tap.  #thatwaskindofcute

Mikey

After Mikey asks Des to see him as more than a piece of meat, he performs a dance act straight out of the movie Magic Mike, complete with dancing pecs, an oiled up body, and handstand push-ups.  Mikey is disappointed when he realizes his only dollar came from Brad.

Brooks

Brooks brings a ukulele made for a three-year old and sings an impromptu song about his white swimsuit.  In true rocker fashion, he smashes his (what I can only assume is his niece’s) uke.

Ben

Ben has no talent except annoying people and the Judges decided that wouldn’t be acceptable.  So they give him a pair of rhythmic gymnastic ribbons and he receives three pity claps.

Drew

Drew reads Shakespeare to Des while wearing a giant over-sized coat.  Des’ thinks it’s a line from Clueless and likes it.

Chris

His legs.  Wow.  How are they so slender and shapely!?  Can I have a pair please? Chris’ silky smooth legs come out in 5 inch heels, a tiny pair of shorts, and hula hoops on top.  Adorbs.

Bryden

Bryden tried to “Magic Mike” it too but completely failed.  Thrusting your junk into Des’ face over and over again is not a talent.  It was like a dog.  He might as well have peed on a fire hydrant.

Zak W

Zak shocks all of America when he reveals he actually HAS talent!  He plays her a sweet little song on the gee-tar and Des swoons.  Bryden regrets the air-humping.

Swimsuits:

Drew looks amazing.  I actually wanted to rewind.  Mikey comes out, like a meat-head. Zak W’s red swimsuit will scar me for life.  Brooks looks scrawny but did some pretty awesome poses.  Ben found a sock in the dressing room right before he came on stage. Zack blew a kiss and the viewing audience at home wondered who he was.

Finally, it’s time to tally the votes.  Second runner-up: Brooks.  First runner-up:  Zak W.  And the winner and the FIRST EVER Mr. Bachelor America: Kasey!  Kasey wonders if he can go on a date with the actual Ms. America as his prize.  #seriously.

Thank you ABC for finally making a date worth my time!  After the pageant, the party heads to an indoor pool (yuck).  Chris pulls her aside to tell her that he writes poetry.  He shares with her the following poem:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Ben’s kind of a tool
And a pretty big fool.

Des thinks the poem is very good and makes out with him. Bryden seconds the poem.  He hates Ben too. Meanwhile, back at the hotel, James takes a manly bubble-bath and sips some champagne.

Zak W. gets the rose.

Second One on One Date: James – Can Our Love Weather the Storm

Out of respect for the people impacted by Sandy, I’m not even going to talk about this date.  I think it’s absurd that ABC is using a show like the Bachelorette, the least serious show to ever exist, to showcase a natural disaster.  It’s not the venue.  If ABC wants to do a special on Sandy and how to help out, fine do that.  But don’t act like this is somehow HELPING victims of Sandy.  This is not the nightly news.  This is not dateline.  If ABC REALLY wanted to help, they would have helped.  They could have had the guys go on a group date and rebuild things, clean, work at a shelter, etc.  Instead, they had Des tour the damage like she was freakin’ Barack Obama!  Sorry ABC, but this felt exploitative.

James got a rose.

At the rose ceremony, Bryden was completely disinterested in Des and seemed like he was ready to saddle up his horse and head back to Montana.  Sadly Des was completely unaware of this and sent Zack K went home.  Man, I don’t even know who that guy is!

Next week the gang is headed to Germany, where Des hopes to fall in love with a nice German lad. Oh ja.  Sehr gut!  Meanwhile, Juan Pablo hopes to find a beautiful Italian lady.  Ciao, Bella.

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You Threw Rocks at My Face

And just like that, it’s week three.  For some of the contestants, they are already in love *cough* Brandon.  Des is starting to realize that some of the contestants are too much for her to handle *cough* Brandon again.  And for one contestant, we learn he has awful judgment when it comes to ex-girlfriends, *cough* Brian.  And LOTS of the contestants need major hair help *cough* Kasey, Zak, and Brayden. Buckle-up cowboys, it’s gonna be a rough ride this week!

Group Date: Love is a Battlefield

Chris, Brian, Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey, Brandon, Zack K, Ben

The boys show up in their athletic gear and find out they will be playing dodgeball.  A professional dodgeball team is there, ready to do what everyone in America wanted to do as soon as these men came out of the limo: throw balls at them as hard as possible.  I half expected the professional players to yell, “that’s for all women in America!”

Chris Harrison shows up, pretty in plaid, to announce that they will battle each other.  The winning team wins a date with Bachelorette Emily.  I mean Des.  But secretly, they were hoping Emily.  The boys put on matching outfits, meant for 5 year olds, and Des is left evaluating who has the fullest package (umm that appears to be Mikey.  Just sayin’).  During the game, the men comment repeatedly that there were “balls flying” everywhere.  Yeah, you ain’t kidding!  Blue team won the first round.  Red team won the second team.  This final game was for all the marbles.  Or as the federal prosecutor explains, in this case marbles represent Des.  Thanks for clearing that up.

Unfortunately, one of the testosterone-filled men chucked a ball at Brooks’ finger, sending him to the ER.  Ultimately the blue team won but surprise surprise, Des invites everyone along to the after party.  Meanwhile, when Brooks gains consciousness, he gets a script for pain killers and plans on selling them back at the house.  He knows Mikey will know someone interested in buying.

At the after party, Des pulls Brad away.  And unfortunately she does not send him away.

Brad tells Des that he has a three-year old son named Maddox.  He also admits that he  may or may not beat women.  Turns out Brad was arrested for domestic violence and a restraining order was issued.  Brad announces the silver lining is that the charges were ultimately dropped.  Send. Him. Home. RIGHT. NOW.

One of my favorite things I ever heard Oprah say was when someone shows you who they are, believe them.  Or, when someone tells you who they are, believe them.  Des, he just told you who he is.  Believe him.  This dude is BAD NEWS.  Most (and I mean most) of domestic violence charges are ultimately dropped because the victim ends up recanting their statement out of fear.  On a side note, ladies, if a man tells you his first wife mysteriously died, please run. Don’t walk.  Run.  Anyway, Brad, you gotta go.

Chris steals Des away and takes her to the roof (PS – where has Chris been,?! He’s totally adorbs!)  Brooks shows up upon discharge from the hospital, hopped up on drugs and loving it.  Date rose goes to Chris.  In typical, predictable fashion, Chris and Des head to private concert.

Things less predictable than the Bachelor:

  • The sun will rise every day
  • It will snow in Minnesota sometime every year
  • Babies will turn into adults
  • The sun will set every day
  • I will get a blister if I run more than 4 miles

The next day, Des is back at her house, sketching (obviously) when the phone rings.  It’s the Almighty Chris Harrison.  Des learns that Brian has a girl friend. The HORRORS!  Dun dun dun. Des puts on the WORST pair of flesh-colored pants I’ve ever seen.  I mean, really, they were the WORST pants! She heads to the mansion to confront Brian.  Meanwhile, Chris leads Brian’s “girl friend,” Stephanie, through the mansion so that she too can try to become famous for a hot second confront Brian.

Stephanie accuses Brian of lying.  Brian says their relationship is in the past.  Stephanie says she tried to break up with him a day before he came on the show.  Well then why do you care Steph!?  And also, you later claim you didn’t know he was coming on the show, yet you just said you tried to break up with him the day before he came on the show.  Get it straight Steph!  Steph tries to work up hysterics and starts asking why he does not care about Donovan!  Think about Donovan!   Donovan is Steph’s kid (although, he’s not Brian’s child).  Steph says Brian told him he was headed to a business conference.   Then she accuses Brian of picking up girls at strip clubs.  Seriously, what is this.  Springer?

Brian tells Chris that Steph threw rocks at his face.  Steph proudly agrees that she did in fact throw rocks at his face.  I instantly think that Steph took that trashy bumper sticker too literally:

rocks

They accuse each other of dating other people, and Stephanie again says she tried to break up with him.  Ok, then Stephanie, you are broken up!  Leave!  You look psychotic.  And Brian, you must go too.  Not because I actually think you are still with this psychopath, but because you apparently continued to date her after she threw ROCKS at you.  ROCKS!  Man, I got in trouble for threatening to throw spaghetti at my sister once.  Could you imagine if it were rocks?  Anyway, Des and Chris Harrison decide Brian’s time is up.  They call in security and escort Brian to the big black van.  As Brian hastily packs, we get a glimpse into the nasty cesspool where the guys sleep.  I can’t imagine what that filth smells like.

Steph screams one more time “what should she tell Donovan!!!!”  Then she happily waves goodbye to the camera.

Meanwhile, severely unstable Brandon starts crying when he thinks of poor Donovan.  He does not want anyone else to leave him. ABC, this is a low blow.  This dude needs major psychological help.  He should join a support group with AshLee.

Des awkwardly leaves for the one-on-one date with #hashtag Kasey.

Kasey: Love Defies Gravity (umm, actually no it does not)

This date is pretttty boring.  So my comments will be brief and mostly will be about Kasey’s hair. Seriously, it’s sooo spiky and tall.

bachelorette-kasey-w352

All that hair reminded me of one of my favorite childhood movies, Airplane.  One of the characters sniffed glue and he looked like this after:

lloyd bridges airplane 1

But my mom thought that maybe Kasey was a descendant of a porcupine:

North-American-porcupine-in-snow

But either way if you are compared to a glue sniffer or a porcupine, it’s probably time for a different hair style.  Rose for Kasey.

Group Date: Who’s the Lone Man Standing? 

A stage-coach picks up the group (Zak, Bryden, Juan Pablo, James, Dan).

The guys show up (no pun intended for this Wild West date!) to find Des in clothes from the Wild West/ American Frontier era.  James, clearly not a history buff, proclaims Des is in clothes from the 1900’s.  So close James, so close.  The boys change into some cowboy clothes (some of their pants are threatening the family jewels).  Yeehaw.  They learn some stunts and we learn that Zak, also a victim of spiky/ tall hair, looks much better in a hat.   The boys reenact a shootout and Des chooses Juan Pablo as the lone ranger.  Juan Pablo and Des have some alone time watching some creepy movie in a barn featuring a cowboy with a clown-face.  Romance!

At the after party, Bryden displays a MUCH better hair style.  Is the theme of this post “hair”?  I seem to be obsessed.  Zak and Des have a playful, lighthearted convo.  They are either both drunk (likely) or already have a strong bond (less likely).  James tells Des his father is dying back home.  I wish Des would send James home right now.  He should be with his family, not on this dumb show! But alas, a rose for James.

Pool Party!

Instead of a cocktail party, Des realizes she needs to work on her tan.  She throws a pool party.  But first she goes on a drive with Ben and makes out with him in her Bentley.  For a second straight time, Ben finishes kissing Des and says,  “remember, it’s our secret.”  Ew.  That’s what a sexual predator says to a victim.  Don’t tell mommy or daddy!  This is our little secret!  Yuck.  Unfortunately, the federal prosecutor and Mikey, both still obsessed with Ben, “catch” Ben kissing Des.  These dudes need a life.  Once again, they confront Ben.  It’s not even worth writing about.

Unstable Brandon pulls Des aside for his 12th cry of the day. He tells Des how upset he is over Brian’s unconscionable decision to come on this show without considering Stephanie’s child.  Brandon tells her he’s falling in love with her.  Cue the groans.  We realize Brandon is creepier than “guard and protect her heart,” Casey.  Then, in the most awkward kiss this season, Brandon tells Des he needs to tell her a secret.  Des actually thinks he’s telling her a secret so she turns her head but really Brandon went in for a kiss.  Yikes.

Des realizes Brandon needs immediate psychiatric attention and puts Brandon in touch with AshLee’s shrink.  ABC gives Brandon a tranquilizer before the rose ceremony and removes all sharp objects (except Kasey’s hair) from the house.  Des sends Brandon and Dan home.

Brandon is in shock.  He tells Des she is making a giant mistake.  Or dodging a giant bullet.  All a matter of perspective, folks!           Brandon, please, please please, call AshLee.  It’s a match made in Bachelor heaven!

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I Feel Just Like Cinderella

Ladies and Gentleman, the greatest trashiest show to ever grace prime time is BACK starring Sean’s reject Desiree (Des for short ’cause we’re BFF like that). It’s been two and a half months since Chris Harrison spent Monday night with us. So much has happened in that time. The Bachelor mansion was thoroughly sanitized after ABC executives inspected with a black light. Catherine and Sean are still in a fake relationship. Emotionally damaged AshLee has found new love in angry, but incredibly good-looking Brad (circa Em and Deanna). Let’s hope “this man” has a good set of earplugs. And last but not least, ABC scoured Craigstlist for the creepiest men under the age of 35 to present to Des.

To refresh your recollection, here’s what we know about Des:

  • Her brother might be certifiable (and he most certainly ruined Des’ relationship with Sean)
  • Her parents have been married forever and they are still totally like majorly in love
  • She grew up in a tent
  • She no longer has bangs (those were so 2012, come on)
  • She drives a beat up silver Honda Civic (That is until the Almighty Chris Harrison saves the day and generously gives Des the most adorable aqua Bentley convertible ever created). Side note: I would totally sign up for this show if it meant I could drive a car that seems like it was made for Barbie
  • She is NOT that kind of girl.

The show starts in a predictable fashion. First, a montage of all the drama poor Des must endure to find her fake boyfriend for six months tops prince charming. Someone has a girlfriend, someone isn’t there for the right reasons, someone is more into guys than girls, someone wishes Emily was the Bachelorette, someone is hoping their lame band will become successful, etc. Second, we see a montage of Des falling in love. ABC realizes this part is boring so they speed through the love portion. Next ABC makes us all relive Des’ rejection from Sean (where we are also reminded that bangs are definitely the right choice for Des).

Chris gives her the fun and adorable Bentley convertible that I’m sure Elle Woods would approve of and sends Des down the highway of love. After I get over my car envy (I mean, it’s not like my Hyundai Elantra isn’t great or anything…) I refocus on the horror before my screen. The most annoying song is playing, something like isn’t she cray- cray – crazy beautifullll over the most annoying montage ever. We’re forced to watch Des roller skate, chase birds, shop for junk, pensively stroll on the beach, and sketch palm trees. I’m suddenly very nostalgic for Sean’s abs, pecs and countless shower scenes. Those were much more interesting.

Des calls herself Cinderella one too many times and puts on her most sparkly disco-ball dress she has in the closet. Bring on the men. Or whatever you want to call these people.

The slim pickings prospects

Since there were so many losers colorful characters (seriously, is this the most lame group of bachelors ever compiled?) I decided to only highlight the most memorable dudes.

The Magic Guy

NICK R.

Nick from Chicago.  Magic Nick’s name is pretty self-explanatory.  He has two passions in life- making magic and making fine Italian suits.  Speaking of Italian, Magic Nick might be a long-lost Italian cousin of the Baldwins.  Proof that Nick knows nothing about women, he says he hopes Des can be his [magician] assistant.  Gee, every girl’s fairy tale come true!

The Naked Guy

ZAK

Zak from the middle of no where.  You know what I love about Zak?  He fulfills every girl’s fantasy about meeting her husband. Just imagine the story Des can tell:  The first time I saw my future husband he pulled up in a stretch limo.  I was dressed in a long formal, sparkling silver gown.  He stepped out and I saw his tux-clad legs and as his abs were a blazing.  He came up to me and uttered the words I found irresistable, “will you accept these abs?”  I nearly melted. How romantic.  He was so eager to see me he couldn’t even bother to put on a shirt.  Unfortunately he had to leave at 11:00 PM to get to his Chip ‘n’ Dale performance.  But first he took his pants off and jumped in the pool– just so I knew how serious he was about me.

The I Want to Rape-Date You Guy

JONATHAN

Jonathon from North Carolina.  Nothing says southern gentleman than an attempt at rape-date.  Seriously.  This guy is creeptastic.  Jonathon playfully handed Des a card when he exited the limo asking her to join him in the fantasy suite.  At first it seemed mildly amusing until the conversation turned to this:

  • Jonathon: Des, I think we should make out.
  • Des: No, I told you, I am not that kind of girl.
  • Jonathon: Ok, but seriously, I want to take you to the fantasy suite.  I want to creep you out.
  • Des: Seriously, stop.  You have the wrong idea.
  • Jonathon: Wrong ideas seem so right.  Come in this dark room with me.  I have a ruffie ready for you to take.
  • Des: You need to leave.  Right now.

On his way to the reject van, Jonathan can’t comprehend what went wrong.  He says, “my mom says I’m good-looking.”  Well gee Jonathon, if your mom says you’re good-looking, I guess that gives you a license to sexually harass people!  PS – you can’t trust people who don’t smile in photos.

The Dip Guy

LARRY

Larry from Cali.  Oh Larry.  You are a dip.  Poor Larry practiced with 50 different women to perfect the art of dipping a woman.  Unfortunately, the 51st time isn’t the charm.  Lar stepped out of the limo, twirled Des around and went in for the dip.  And dip he did.  Des’ dress got all tangled up, ripped and she looked beyond perturbed.  Larry had a solution though.  Alcohol.  Poor guy went into the mansion, drank all the free liquor he could get and then tried to talk to Des about the dip disaster.  The conversation consisted of Larry taking his glasses on and off.  And on and off again.  And on and off again.  The Dipper felt relieved that Rape-Date guy was around to make himself look mildly better.  Maybe stick to a handshake next time Larry.  And contact lenses.

The Hashtag Guy:

KASEY

Kasey from Cali.  Wow.  As I’m writing this list, I thought to myself could these guys get any worse?  Does ABC secretly hate Des?  Why did they do this to her?  Anyway, before we proceed, I need to explain what a hashtag is to my Mother.  Mom, click here for a hashtag lesson.  This guy claimed to be some sort of social media buff and as a result, he felt the need to add a hashtag to everything.  #annoying.  #nowaywilldeseverpickyou. #hashtagsaresolastyear. #pleaseneversayhashtagagain.  And yes mom, when you hashtag, it’s all one word. #hashtaglesson

The Knight Guy:

DIOGO

Diogo from Cali.  I just saw on his bio that he is 20 years old.  WHAT?  Why was he even allowed on the show?  Don’t you need to be 21?  Alcohol flows like water!  UGH!  Cue the groans!  This guy isn’t ready to get married.  This guy is ready to purchase his first legal beverage!  Anyway, Diogo showed up in a knight in shining armor costume.  Cue some more groans.  He could barely walk or see.  Honey, I’m just gonna put this out there.  I think Des wants a partner, not a knight.  Des isn’t in need of rescuing or saving.  She’s not a helpless dame trapped in a tower.  And also, this isn’t a Disney movie.  Take your white horse and hit the road.

The Child Exploiter Guy:

BEN

Ben from Texas.  Ben is cute.  I’ll give him that.  But that’s all I’m giving him.  Well, and his son was adorable.  But that’s where the flattery ends.  Ben used his child to introduce himself to Des.  That’s not confusing at all for a three-year old.  Not to mention Ben said he had his child with a good friend.  As though it was just some random act.  Like, hey feel like grabbing a beer tonight? No?  Ok, well do you want to have a baby instead?  Ok great!  And if the promos are to be believed, Ben is the new Bentley.  Oooo I love me a good villain!

The rest of the guys didn’t act bizarre enough to make the above list.  But man, Des’ options are l.i.m.i.t.e.d.  I think she should quit the show and wait until Sean’s abs become available again.  See you next week!!!!!

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I’m Your Beefcake

SPOILER ALERT:  In the most dramatic rose ceremony EVER in Bachelor history, Sean chooses…. CHRIS HARRISON!  I know, I was just as shocked.

But really, hope you’re comfy – we’ve got three hours of pure Bachelor bliss ahead.  In case you were wondering (don’t kid yourself, I KNOW you were wondering) these things can also be accomplished in three short hours:

  • Roast a 16 pound turkey 
  • Watch Dirty Dancing 1.7 times
  • Take a three hour nap
  • Run 20 miles
  • Read “The Great Gatsby”
  • Finally learn what exactly the Rule Against Perpetuities means (seriously, I’ll never totally get it)
  • Birth a child

But this is more special than that.  You get to watch Sean find fame love in three short hours!

The episode starts with Sean’s picture perfect family in Thailand to meet his final two ladies.  Seriously, who is this family? The Stepford Family?  The are all PERFECT!  It’s a little weird.  Sean’s totally adorable niece and nephew are there ready to evaluate the women.  The nephew kindly reminds Sean that “Emily didn’t pick you!”  I love these kids!  Anyway, Catherine is up first.

Catherine 

As Catherine gets out of the ABC van, she tells the camera she’s just a “ball of nerves.”  Is that different than a bundle of nerves?  Either way, she’s nervous!  Sean’s family is incredibly warm and inviting.  Momma Sherry pulls Catherine aside to get to know more about her and hear about Catherine and Sean’s connection.  Catherine tells Momma about the notes she passes Sean.  Momma Sherry warns Catherine not to pass notes in math class lest she wants a detention!  Mamma gives Catherine her stamp of apporval and sends her off to talk to Sean’s Dad the sweetest man in the world.

Sean’s Dad sits Catherine down to have a chat and Catherine tells Dadio she is “consumed by [Sean].”  That’s not at ALL awkward to say to your possible Father-in-Law.  Geez, why not just tell him you love to rub your tongue all over his pectorals while you’re at it Catherine!  But what Sean’s dad said next, in all seriousness, was the nicest thing I have EVER heard on this show.  I almost shed a tear.  I say almost, because I would have shed a tear had I not been yelling stuff in my man voice (a story for a different time).  Anyway, Sean’s dad says to Catherine if she joins the family, “you will never have a bigger fan than me.  I will love you like my daughter.”  Oh. My. Gosh.  I can’t even make fun of this exchange because it was just so sweet.

Lindsay 

Lindsay practices her baby voice all night to make sure it’s just right for Sean’s family.  When it’s perfect, she heads off to meet the picture perfect Lowes (at this point, my Bachelor party got distracted by Sean’s last name and needed to immediately confirm that he was not some sort of heir to the Lowe’s store.  If he was, I was about to get majorly upset that I missed my opportunity with Sean.  But, as far as we know, there’s no connection.  Phew.)

Lindsay keeps flailing her head back while she talks to Sean’s family about her journey with Sean.  Seriously, why does she keep putting her head back?  Are there answers written on the ceiling?  Pappa Jay sits down with Lindsay to ask the tough questions.  Immediately I am distracted by Jay’s HOT PINK v-neck t-shirt that he’s rocking underneath his blue button-down.  Looks like someone’s been at home shopping in Sean’s closet!  Jay tells Lindsay that on the day Sean was born, Sherry and Jay started praying for Sean’s wife.  Man, Jay strikes again!  Who is this man?  Maybe he should have a talk show.

Lindsay very awkwardly asks Jay if she can have Sean’s hand in marriage.  Then she bursts out hysterically laughing.  I can’t figure out if she is joking or if she’s just drunk again.  Tough call.

Debrief with The Cleavers 

Surprise surprise, the Cleavers like both girls and have nothing negative to say. Man, if this were my family we would probably tolerate one and hate the other.  Seriously, are these people normal?!  They are so nice.  The only one with any sense of reality seems to be Momma Sherry who kindly urges Sean not to propose to someone if he can’t decide between the girls with only 48 hours remaining.  Is it just me or would you resent your future husband if he didn’t know if he should propose to you or SOMEONE ELSE just 48 hours before he pops the question?   Momma can’t take it anymore  and starts to crack, pleading with Sean not to propose unless he’s absolutely certain.

Apparently Sean can become certain in 48 hours.  Sean puts on his tightest neon blue man-tank and sets out on his last two dates.

Last Date with Lindsay 

Teeny-tiny Lindsay shows up in her matching tank (twinsies!) and shorty shorts.  For the date Sean has arranged a float down the muddiest river I’ve ever seen on Tom Sawyer’s raft.  I expected Jim to appear any minute.  Sean takes the opportunity to stick his tongue down Lindsay’s throat a few more times (when in Rome!) probably fully knowing that he’s not going to marry her.  Later, Sean and Lindsay discuss how they’ll look when they are old.  Sean tells Lindsay he can picture her as “some hot old chick.”  Lindsay thinks this is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said so she responds with “I love you.”  Nothing says romance like being told you’ll be a hot old chick someday.

Sean puts on his requisite v-neck for the evening portion of the date, while Lindsay is dressed like she’s attending a wedding.  Not. On. The. Same. Page.  Lindsay reminds Sean that he has everything she’s ever wanted in a husband.  She tells Sean she “doesn’t know what she would do if she lost [him].”  Oh Lindsay, I have a feeling you’ll soon find out what you’ll do.  The two make out some more and Lindsay says the reason they kiss so much is because “that’s how he can really express himself to [her] right now.”  Right. I’m sure that’s it.  Poor girl, just a fool in love.

Lindsay and Sean end the night outside polluting the earth sending three lanterns into the air representing family, happiness and love.  Sean says, “at this moment, I really think she’s the one for me.”  Nothing says love like a qualifying statement!  As the lanterns float away, so does Lindsay’s shot at the Neil Lane.

Last Date with Catherine 

Sean puts on his deep-v purple shirt to greet Catherine.  Instead of a boring float down the dirtiest river ever, Catherine and Sean get to ride elephants!  Catherine says that even though she feels unstable on the elephant, Sean is there to make her feel stable.  CUE. THE. GROANS.  I’m sure he’ll come in handy when you fall off and your skull is cracked in two.

Catherine and Sean head back to Catherine’s ABC sponsored room so they can discuss their feelings some more.  Catherine explains she is nervous to express her feelings knowing Sean can’t fully express his.  But she knows what’s at stake (free ring, free wedding, expensive divorce) so she’s willing to open up.  At the end of the night, Catherine tells Sean she doesn’t want him to leave.  Catherine nervously and nearly silently whispers to Sean as he’s walking out the door, “Sean, I love you.”  Wow – what conviction!  For some reason the conversation remains in hushed tones until Sean leaves.  Catherine starts to panic when Sean leaves and chases after him.  Sean asks “what’s the matter.”  Well gee Sean, maybe it’s because you are dating someone else and I don’t know if you’ll propose to me or her tomorrow?  Maybe that’s what’s the matter?  Catherine feels frustrated by Sean’s lack of reciprocation and collapses on her canopy bed, distraught by the thought of losing Sean.  It is just me or does that canopy look super annoying?  What if you have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and you get all tangled up?  Catherine takes some of AshLee’s left over Xanax and passes out.

Proposal Day 

Suddenly Sean wakes up that morning and realizes there is one woman he can’t live without.  PHEW – he figured that out right in the nick of time!  Luckily, as Sean makes this realization, Neil Lane and his creepy chest hair arrive at the door with a bevy of gaudy rings! How much does ABC pay Neil for this?  Does this really generate business for him?  Is this what conversations are like at Neil Lane’s store?

  • Random 23 year old girl: So I like totally saw this halo diamond that was 3.7 carats and Brad was like almost going to pick it for Deanna but then he didn’t pick it because he didn’t pick any girl and I was like totally thinking, like, I could get that ring.  
  • Neil Lane: Ok that will be 20,000 dollars.  
  • Random 23 year old girl: I thought you like gave those out for like free?  
  • Neil Lane: No, ABC pays me for them. 

Ironically, Sean chose the cushion cut diamond in a halo setting, which was exactly what AshLee asked for!  Too bad the ring’s not for you, Ash.  Too bad.  Meanwhile, the girls went shopping together to get matching metallic dresses for the big day.  Unfortunately for Lindsay, Catherine picked out the gold one first, securing the Oscar.  Or at least the Oscar look.  Both girls reflect on how perfect they are for Sean and how amazing their lives will be.  Blah Blah Blah.

Sean is distraught over the thought of breaking one girl’s heart.  He sheds more tears than Jason Mesnick.  First out of the limo?  Lindsay.  Ouch.  I wonder if she instantly regretted wearing such a bad dress and even WORSE shoes.  It reminded me of a mermaid.  After Lindsay makes the long walk to Sean, Sean begins his speech praising Lindsay, telling her how she blew him away and then throws in the heart-wrenching BUT.  Sean tells Lindsay that until yesterday, he didn’t know what he was doing.  Again, if I am Catherine, I would be one ticked-off-Neil-Lane-sporting chica.  Sean tells Lindsay he must say goodbye, but not before telling her how incredible she is and that he loves her.  He says, “that’s the thing, I love you.  I love you.”  Cue. The Groans.  SEAN!  You can’t tell someone for the first time that you love them, as you’re kicking them to the curb!  Keep it to yourself.

Lindsay maintains incredible composure and dignity.  Lindsay tells Sean she is happy he found love but she can’t imagine her life without him.  Lindsay says goodbye to Sean, takes off her heels, and treks back to the rejection limo.  If you’re going to be rejected, at least do it in comfort!  Lindsay starts to break down in the limo, stating “yeah, let’s just dangle everything I’ve ever wanted, right in front of my face, and then just take it away.  Please, yes, let’s do that.  ‘Cause (sic) that’s exactly what I’ve always wanted.”  Well, it only took Lindsay the entire season to realize the premise of the show.  Kudos to Lindsay.  Lindsay continues, “In a sick twisted place in my head, I’m happy for them.”  I don’t know if that makes you sick and twisted Lindsay, I think that just makes you sweet.  I don’t think Lindsay will be single for long.

In a typical move by ABC, Chris Harrison hands Sean a letter right before Catherine’s appearance, teasing the viewers with the possibility that Catherine has cold-feet.  Whatever ABC – your antics are tired.  And surprise surprise, it was a love letter and nothing more.  By the time Catherine arrives to Sean, the sun is setting (seriously, how long did this take to film?)  Sean tells Catherine she never ceases to amaze him and he thinks the world of her.  He says he misses her when they say goodbye and he doesn’t want to say goodbye anymore.  Is that a line from a chick-flick?  Sean drops to one knee, Catherine begins to hyperventilate, sweat, and shake, and says yes to the Neil Lane.  Catherine says, “oh my gosh, is this for real?” And Sean assures her it is real, at least until the break up in 6 months.  Sean has one final question for Catherine, “Catherine, will you accept my final rose?”  Catherine says yes.

The two ride happily into the sunset, on elephant back.  Catherine gropes Sean’s muscles, asking repeatedly  “I get this?!  I get this!?”  He says, “yep, I’m your beefcake.”  Catherine laughs and says, oh my gosh, how long ago did I say that?  Well, I’d venture to guess it was maybe 4 weeks ago?  This relationship SCREAMS longevity!

Another successful ABC love story folks.  This is what fairy tales are made of.  ATFR will be up later this week!

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He Kind of Acted Like a Frat Boy

It’s the Women Tell Nothing All show.  What will we learn tonight?  Will we learn why Tierra has a dent on her forehead?  Will we learn why Tierra can’t control her eyebrow?  Will we learn what Kacie B’s next desperate act will be?  Will we learn what AshLee DOES consider a silly game?  Will we learn if Sean prefers waxing or shaving to obtain that smooth torso?  Will we learn if Des cut her brother out of the will?  Or will we only confirm that which we already know: Tierra is delusional, AshLee is a mean girl, Sarah has the personality of a slug (I don’t even know what that means, but I can only argue a slug has no personality at all), the fifty shade of intoxication girl is still single, and Leslie has nice hair.  Only time will tell, friends!

The Almighty Chris Harrison greeted his live viewing audience, consisting of middle-aged women and three men (what did those men do wrong to end up there?) and the drunk rejected Bachelorettes.  Chris sported the most hideous 80’s tie I’ve ever seen.  Come on Chris, you’re better than that!

Chris rolls footage of Sean crashing Bachelor viewing parties.  Instantly, I look around the room at my viewing party: three ladies, all wearing sweatpants, sweatshirts, no make-up, and we’ve each just consumed two giant bowls of chili.  Sean wouldn’t even be able to HANDLE all that sexy.  For Sean’s sake, I silently prayed the doorbell wouldn’t ring.  Sean’s crashing continues to various locations, including a party full of middle school girls and a sorority house (that wasn’t annoying AT ALL!).  Sean says he “humbled” by all these people invested in his quest to find love.  He cannot believe all these people care about his journey to find his wife.  Oh Sean, that’s so naive sweet that you think that’s why people watch this show…

Back at the live studio audience, the rejected Bachelorettes are introduced to the audience.  It appears all the girls went to the same blow-out bar prior to the show’s taping.  Long loose curls all around!

First in the hot seat: Tierra and her eyebrow 

Tierra shows up wearing an old shower curtain she DIYed into a dress.  Unfortunately she ran out of material and had to leave a half-circle cut-out right below her boobs.  I hate it when that happens!  tierra

CH begins his direct examination of Tierra.

  • Chris:  Tierra, you had a really hard time getting along with the other girls in the house.  You said it’s because you have so much sparkle.  Can you explain that?
  • Tierra: It’s difficult for me because I walk into a room and light it up.
  • Chris: Shine bright like a diamond, shine bright like a diamond.  Shine bright like a diamoonnnnd.  
  • Tierra:  Exactly.  Rihanna actually wrote that song about me.  
  • Chris:  Are you delusional?
  • Tierra:  I don’t want to be friends with girls.
  • Chris:  Why do you make it so hard to like you?
  • Tierra: I stayed true to Tierra.  I have nothing to apologize for.  Tierra sparkles.
  • Chris: But there were a lot of incidents with the girls.  You wouldn’t even say hi to them when they walked in the room.
  • Tierra: I can’t remember everything that happened.  I don’t even remember how I got the dent on my forehead or why it’s no longer visible to the viewing audience.
  • Chris:  You can’t remember fighting with all the girls?
  • Tierra: Look, “I was focused on Sean and I’s connection.”  I said “I’s” because I can’t remember everything, like grammar. All I know is when I was a little girl, I was Miss Nevada and boy did I sparkle.  I sparkled even more than Honey Boo Boo.
  • Chris:  Who is the victim who gave you that monstrosity on your hand?
  • Tierra: “I got a good man, that’s all that matters.”

That’s all that matters?  In life?  For the purpose of the show?  Oh god.  I need to watch different TV shows!  And also?  Worst. Ring. Ever.  It looks like it came out of the “pretty princess” Halloween costume package.

Second in the hot seat: Sarah 

I have two nice things to say about Sarah – her makeup looked beautiful and I loved her nail polish color.  That’s all the nice things I can say.  Why are we wasting our time talking to Sarah?  Why was her departure more meaningful than Des?  Or Leslie?  Or anyone who made it further than Sarah?  Sarah tells Chris every time she is rejected, she always falls back on “well I only have one arm.”  I will say it one more time, and then I’m done talking about this FOREVER.  It. is. not. your. arm.  SARAH.  It is your p-e-r-s-o-n-a-l-i-t-y.  Or lack there of.  You are boring!  Yes, on the surface you seem like a sweet girl.  But beyond that what is there to talk about?  Nothing!  Maybe you should get in contact with AshLee’s psychotherapist.

Third in the hot seat: Des 

Des!  Where are your bangs? I hardly recognize you!  Des is gracious and has nothing but sweet things to say about Sean, her experience on the show, and even her brother.  (PS – I now randomly like to respond to things my boyfriend says with the comment, “You’re just a playboy, aren’t you?”  He’s totally confused.  And I just laugh and laugh and laugh!)  I like Des more after the interview, but unfortunately that doesn’t leave me with anything funny to write about.  Well played, Des.

Fourth in the hot seat: AshLee and her ombre hair. 

In her spare time, AshLee has scoured Pintrest to find just the right picture for her ombre hair.  She also decided hair extensions were a must-have.  Chris begins his usual line of leading questions:

  • Chris: You were obsessed crazy about Sean right from the beginning.  Tell us about that.
  • Ash: Immediately, I knew he would be my prince charming.  I was searching in his eyes and the whole time I was thinking “I’ve got this.”
  • Chris:  Wow – you were wrong.  Do you think all the antidepressants clouded your judgement?
  • Ash: No.  After watching, the “guy’s not quite who I thought he was.”  When he was with the other girls, “he kind of acted like a frat boy.”
  • Chris:  You mean because he laughed and seemed to enjoy himself?  And because frat boys are generally fun people?  And you are anti-fun?
  • Ash: This man is a playboy.
  • Chris:  I thought you were in love with “this man.”
  • Ash: I’m not in love with “this man” anymore.

Chris decides it’s time to bring out Sean while AshLee’s eyes still appear wild and unpredictable.

  • Sean: Hey Ash, your hair is 5 different colors.
  • Ash: I felt dishonored by you.  What really disappointed me was that you never came back and you never checked on me.  You’re a gentleman.  You’re from the SOUTH.  You’re supposed to be a man here.  You were supposed to be “this man.”
  • Sean: I knew checking on you would make things worse and harder.  And you looked like you would kill if given the opportunity.  Plus you are kind of mean.
  • Ash:  Why did you say you had ABSOLUTELY no feelings for them?
  • Sean: I didn’t say that. And I wouldn’t say that.
  • Ash: Oh Sean, come on.   You said, there is absolutely nothing between those two.
  • Sean:  I would never say that.
  • Ash:  So you’re a liar.  You are a liar.  YOU ARE A LIAR SEAN.  Your EYES said there was NOTHING between those two.

Chris tells the ABC producers that AshLee is sitting too close on the couch and the proximity is violating the order for protection.    ABC producers ask AshLee to move back 15 feet.  AshLee glares from the reject gallery and plots Sean’s death her revenge.    

Sean wipes the bead of sweat off his brow and shudders in relief that he didn’t pick AshLee.

ABC ends the show with bloopers.  But all anyone wants to see is this:

sean1

And this:

sean2

Oh and this:

sean3

A little bit of this:

sean4

Some of this:

sean5

A touch of that:

sean7

And finally THIS:

sean6

Next week it’s the FINAL ROSE!  Who will end up with the Neil Lane?  Who will end up as the next Bachelorette?  Will Sean walk down the aisle shirtless?  See you next week!

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This Wasn’t a Silly Game to Me

Mr. Big said it best:

mrbig

After a while, you just wanna be with the one that makes you laugh.  But more on that later.

The blonde Bachelor finds himself in the South of Thailand, where he will find himself a wife (or in the alternative, a special Thai lady friend).  A pensive Sean, wearing a neon blue man-tank,  takes in the sights around him while contemplating his remaining three women.  Sean says Catherine is “a little weird and goofy,” which he finds endearing because he too is weird and goofy.  Sean describes AshLee as  terrifying having a big heart.  Sean also says AshLee is someone who was once abandoned, someone who is vulnerable, someone who has learned to trust, someone who is no longer broken, and someone who is no longer scared.  When it comes to Lindsay, Sean is in awe of their relationship.  In the beginning, he thought Lindsay was crazy, and not the good crazy.  To Sean, Lindsay is more than a wedding dress.  She’s a girl who talks in a baby voice AND wears a wedding dress.

ABC treats us to some shirtless pool shots of Sean, where I notice Sean’s physique is not what it used to be!  Where did the amazing abs go?  Is that a little beer gut I see?  Has all this wining and dining and emotional baggage known as AshLee taken a toll on Sean’s best feature?!  Say it ain’t so!  AshLee’s gotta go!

First Date: Lindsay

Lindsay shows up in a totally adorbs mint colored skirt.  Lindsay and Sean head to the Si Kao Market, where Lindsay breaks the cardinal rule – she tells ABC what her fear is and then ABC builds a date around that fear.  If I am ever on the Bachelor I’m going to feign a fear of shopping.  It will be glorious!  Anyway, Lindsay divulges that she won’t eat a bug.  And considering Lindsay didn’t sign up for “Fear Factor,” this shouldn’t be a problem…until ABC makes it a problem.  While strolling the market Lindsay says that this date is great because if they end up together their vacations will be just like this!  That’s true Lindsay, I’m sure your exotic trips to Thailand will always be paid for by ABC, sweetheart.  Back to the bug thing – the couple conveniently stumbles upon the bug booth and Sean makes Lindsay eat some of the critters.  Lindsay gags the bug down and Sean declares Lindsay wife material.  Afterall, if your wife won’t eat a bug for you, who will?

The rest of the date Lindsay spends attempting to tell Sean she loves him.  First, she tries baby sign-language but Sean doesn’t understand.  Next, she tries baby babble but Sean still doesn’t understand.  Sean tells Lindsay she’s the “best friend that [he’s] been looking for.”  That makes me feel really sad for whomever considered themselves Sean’s actual best friend.  My guess is the best friend has known Sean longer than a month?  Just a guess.

Finally it’s time for dinner/ the presentation of the fantasy suite card.  In preparation for the fantasy suite, Lindsay wears her negligee to dinner.  Time is presh – don’t waste it!  As Lindsay finally prepares herself for the perfect moment to tell Sean she loves him, the cast of “The King and I” appears and dances around them.  Ironically, Lindsay says she feels like she’s in a movie.  Yes, it’s called “The King and I!”

The real magic happens moments later.  Ladies, the fantasy suite card is now upon us.  Sean hands Lindsay the golden ticket carefully crafted envelope instructing Lindsay, “If you choose to forgo your individual rooms please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite,” signed CHRIS HARRISON.  Oh Chris!  You are so thoughtful!  PS, if you were on this show, you’d totally want to be the first date.  Could you imagine being third?  Sick.  The only thing that could be worse than being third would be having the date after Tierra.  Although, if US Weekly has any credibility, I suppose nobody should be too concerned.  See below:

bach

Moving on.  Back at the fantasy suite, Lindsay tells Sean she has something to tell him.  She’s secretly 14.  No wait, that’s not it.  She loves him.  Absurd Disney sounding music begins to play.  That always happens to me too!

Second Date: Trainwreck AshLee

Sean shows up for his date in his 208th deep-v t-shirt from the Gap.  He must be in some sort of rewards program.  AshLee takes the 80’s approach with a cropped top and shorty shorts.  AshLee drones on and on about Sean being her torture victim soulmate.  Sean takes AshLee to a cave and tells her they are going to swim through it.  AshLee is, shockingly, scared.  Because of this fear, she needs to talk some more about her fears, abandonment and trust.  Luckily AshLee’s flotation devices are always attached, so there is no need to worry about her drowning.

The dark cave provides a million cliches for us to make fun of.  AshLee says this relationship is unknown and it’s like going down a dark alley.  Sean says they turn a corner (in the cave AND in their relationship) and they found “the light at the end of the tunnel.”  Cue. The. Groans.  Times two.

Sean and AshLee come out of the cave (am I the only liberal arts kid who immediately started thinking about the Allegory of the Cave?)  Later, the doomed couple meet for dinner.  AshLee shows up wearing a giant cursive necklace.  I spend the next 10 minutes ignoring the dialogue and attempting to read the necklace.  What does it say!?  Trust?  Sean?  Broken?  Ok focus, Kate.  Ash is concerned about Sean spending the night with other people and she says that doesn’t “set” well with her heart.  I can only assume she means “sit.”  Despite her concerns and poor grammar, AshLee accepts the fantasy suite card but promises to leave room for the Holy Spirit.  As if AshLee hasn’t freaked Sean out enough, AshLee decides it’s time to tell Sean to tell Neil Lane what kind of ring she wants.  In case you were wondering, she wants a cushion cut in a halo setting and her ring size is 6.5.  You weren’t wondering?  Oh darn, neither was Sean.  Sean laughs nervously and then goes to the bathroom to throw up.

After the date, Ash tells the camera that “this man,” has changed her life.  “This man” is amazing.  She will do anything to make “this man” happy.  Then in her most profound statement yet, Ash declares “This man has literally healed [her] broken heart.”  I had NO IDEA Sean was a heart surgeon?  He LITERALLY healed you?  Sean has so many hidden talents/ professions!

Date Three: Catherine 

Sean is completely and utterly relieved to be free from AshLee and the 10000 pounds of heavy she carries around with her, he practically throws himself at Catherine.  Betraying his best friend Lindsay, Sean describes Catherine also as his best friend.  Sean, every girl knows you can only have ONE best friend!  Friendship necklaces split in two, NOT THREE.  But Sean also likes Catherine because she’s weird and he’s weird too.  Here is a possible quote that could be read at their wedding:

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

You’re welcome.  At dinner, Sean tells Catherine he could see himself marrying her.  WOW – well if he doesn’t pick Catherine, his other pick is going to be pretttty upset after hearing that.  Catherine brings up the fantasy suite issue and tells Sean thinking about this hanky panky makes her nervous and she still wants to be seen as a lady.  But Catherine decides her reputation doesn’t really  matter and accepts Chris Harrison’s invitation.  Catherine and Sean spend the night making out in a Thai pool, calling Sean beefy and hunky.  Beef, it’s what’s for dinner.

Rose Ceremony

Shirtless Sean tells the camera he woke up the morning of the rose ceremony and knew who he needed to send home.  If it’s not AshLee, I’m prepared to watch the final episode with earplugs in.  I can’t deal with any more of her.  I. Just. Can’t.  Sean meets up with Chris Harrison, who was in the middle of a thai massage, and tells Chris he’s ready to hand out two roses.  Chis is angry about the interruption so he forces Sean to watch video messages from all three ladies, even though Sean already knows who he is kickin’ to the curb.  First, we watch Lindsay’s carefree message in baby talk.  Sean smiles as he watches Lindsay.  Second, we watch Catherine’s carefree message about Sean being  a “mega hunk,” and how thinking about him gives her the “wiggles.”  Sean again smiles as he watches Catherine.  Third, we watch AshLee’s involuntary commitment evidence heartfelt message to Sean.  AshLee cannot imagine one day without Sean.  AshLee believes that “together we are whole.”  AshLee cannot get through a single sentence without crying.  Is there a pill for this?  If so, give it to her.  Immediately.  As I watch Sean’s PAINED expression, I feel 90% confident AshLee is out of there.  Sean was practically turning green over the thought of AshLee’s impending trip to the psych ward.

Chris Harrison kicks off the rose ceremony and informs us this is the final rose ceremony of the season.  No!  AshLee shows up at the rose ceremony and felt it was time to bring out the big guns.  Seriously.  There was so much boob, it was like she was a nursing mother.  First rose to Lindsay (LOVE the dress Lindsay!), second rose to Catherine.  No rose to Ms. Perky, who is suddenly very less perky and instantly regrets showing all of America her boobs at the rose ceremony.  AshLee’s eyes turn to daggers and her face turns to ice.  As my mom said, “if looks could kill…”

AshLee storms off and tells Sean to just. stay. there.  Sean follows after her and tries to explain his decision.  AshLee remains stone cold, showcasing the most evil glare we’ve ever seen in Bachelor history, and gets into the limo without a single word or tear.  In the reject Limo, Ash says, “this wasn’t a silly game to me.  This wasn’t about a joy ride and about laughter and joking and having fun.”  Yes AshLee, you made that abundantly clear!  What guy would want their future wife to laugh, joke and have fun?  How DARE Sean!  The ABC psychotherapist gives AshLee a heavy does of antidepressants and some Xanax and removes all sharp objects from the limo.  But seriously Ash, at the end of the day, we just want to be with the person who makes us laugh.  And nervous laughter doesn’t count.

Women Tell ALL next week!  Will AshLee still be heartbroken?  Has she worn out her Sean voodoo doll?  Will the pastor parents put a bounty on Sean?

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I Think You’re Just a Playboy

It’s hometown date week!!!!! The only thing better than hometown dates?  Fantasy suite dates, duh!  Sean has four mediocre women left, one of whom could be his wife.  Of course statistically speaking she’s more likely to sprout wings and fly to the moon than become Sean’s wife, but who cares about stats??!  This is LOVE people!  Love conquers stats!  Everyone knows that.

First Hometown Date: AshLee in Houston

AshLee says that before meeting Sean she had no idea what real true love was.  Wow – I’m not sure whether to laugh or to cry.  Hey AshLee, this is NOT REAL TRUE LOVE.  At this point, Sean can’t believe he actually has to go to Houston to visit AshLee but ABC has not found a psychotherapist willing to ride in the rejection limo with AshLee.  After ABC decides it’s too risky to dump AshLee, Sean is sent to Houston. 

AshLee is so excited about bringing this man home to her family.  She can’t wait to introduce this man to her family.  This man is so great.  I want a man as great as this man.  AshLee plops Sean down on a blanket to talk about how she’s no longer broken and how she trusts this man.  Ash says Sean is the man to protect her heart.  Actually Ash, I have the man for you.  Kasey from Ali’s season.  He will definitely guard and protect your heart!   For a reminder, click here.

Has anyone else noticed that Sean and AshLee have never had a conversation that wasn’t about AshLee’s dysfunction?  Seriously, run Sean.  Sean goes to AshLee’s family to meet her Pastor Pop and Mom.  AshLee completely over shares with her parents, creeping them and the audience out: 

  • AshLee:  We rolled around in the sand and I could feel Sean getting really excited.  You guys know what I mean?
  • Sean (laughing nervously):  We were just having fun.
  • Mother: Sean, I’m going to need to speak with you later.
  • AshLee:  Seriously, we were all OVER each other Mom!  It was great!

After telling Sean to refrain from more sand-rolling with her daughter, AshLee’s mom says she wants AshLee’s heart to be loved, protected, and sheltered.  Seriously – call Kacey.  Nuff said.  Preaching Pappa warns Sean that if he doesn’t pick her, Dad will have to do a lot of emotional repair and he can’t be away from his congregation that long.  Sean and Dad talk about AshLee’s teenage marraige.  Dad says he signed off on the marriage because he felt like that was the best option but he probably would have done things differently if he had to do it all over again.  You PROBABLY would do this differently????  At this point I got very worried about the congregation in Houston who turns to this pastor for guidance.  Does it really show good judgment to allow your teenage daughter to marry her teenage boyfriend?! 

AshLee has no doubt that she wants to marry this man immediately.  Sean leaves confused as to who this man is.

Second Hometown Date: Catherine – Seattle

Sean shows up in Seattle wearing some tight pants and showcasing some serious man-thigh.  The duo heads to the Public Market to catch some slimmy fish.  The fish-men seriously whip the fish at Sean but Sean keeps up and catches all the flying fish.  Catherine has less luck but does finally catches a fish one-handed.  I’m sure they both smelled delish afterwards!

At Catherine’s home, Sean meets Catherine’s Mother, Grandmother and two sisters.  I am immediately distracted by the amazing looking egg rolls on the coffee table. I. Must. Have.  Catherine takes her sisters into a bedroom to gush about Sean.  But like all good sisters, they have other plans.  They remind Catherine that she went on the show for fun, not to get engaged.  Catherine feels annoyed that she has to defend the prospect of getting engaged to her boyfriend of a hot second.  I mean why shouldn’t she get engaged after one date and four weeks of knowing him?  Catherine’s sisters try a different tactic by telling Sean about Catherine’s flaws.  What are sisters for!  

  • Sister 1:  Catherine is very messy.  She might qualify for that show “Hoarders.”         
  • Sister 2: Catherine has WILD mood swings.  Seriously.  Her PMS levels are completely out of hand.  Can you handle that?
  • Sister 1:  Catherine will drop you like it’s hot as soon as she gets bored.
  • Sean: Do you guys have anything nice to say about Catherine?
  • Sisters: Yeah, she’s like super pretty.

Catherine’s Mother notices Sean doesn’t eat any egg rolls and does not give Sean her blessing to marry Catherine.  Sean leaves Seattle doubting his relationship with Catherine.  That’s super sad for Sean…things should definitely be certain after all this time!    

Third Hometown Date: Lindsay – Fort Leonard Wood, MO

Sean heads to the middle of no where Missouri to Lindsay’s house.  Sean says that Lindsay possesses many qualities he wants in his wife.  Why does Sean say this about every woman on the show?  It’s as though the only quality Sean looks for in a wife is that she be female. 

Sean is anxious to meet Lindsay’s father because he is a two-star general.  Be less nervous Sean.  General Petreaus has four stars and look how his career ended… but really, Sean is nervous and I think it’s pretty telling.  He’s nervous because she’s the only one he ACTUALLY likes.  Lindsay has Sean put on some army apparel and pretends to be a commanding officer.  It’s mildly cute but then when Lindsay starts slapping Sean’s behind over and over again it felt a little like a bad romance novel. 

At 18:00, the pair heads to Lindsay’s house.  Sean has no idea what time that is.  At Lindsay’s house, Sean meets The General her dad, mother and little brother.  Lindsay’s mom was so happy and cheerful.  I want to go hang out with Lindsay’s mom!  After Sean’s meeting with Momma, Sean hears the General yell “TEN-HUT.”  Sean thinks this is some football related play and ignores the command.  Sean has to drop and give the General 20 for disobeying orders.  After, Sean stands at attention and says, “Sir, permission to ask permission to marry your daughter, SIR.”  The General tells Sean “at ease” and tells Sean to have the authority to make the decision.  Sean is confused by all the military talk.  The General rephrases in civilian terms and says, fine you have my blessing if Lindsay wants to get married.  The General gives Sean a set of dog tags.  I guess that way it will be easier to identify Sean after the General kills him?

Sean asks Lindsay if he’ll be required to get a high and tight hair-cut.  Lindsay explains that marrying her won’t enlist him.  Roger that.  He heaves a giant sigh of relief and declares he could see himself in this family.  Sir, yes sir.

Fourth Hometown Date: Des – Los Angeles

Des and Sean take a hike overlooking the Hollywood sign.  After, Des takes Sean back to her house (which, by the way, is much much nicer than a tent).  A few minutes after Sean arrives some guy appears at the door.  Initially I think to myself, wow he’s cute! I like his dark curly hair and Des should totally get back together with him.  But then the poor acting made me realize quickly this was a joke.  It would have been so much more hilarious if it was actually real!

Des’ family shows up, which includes her mother, father and freaky lovely brother.  Des sits down with her charmer of a brother (hey bro, are you single?)  and she tells him Sean makes her happy.  After consulting one of his arm tatoo quotes, the Brother says, “A lot of guys can make you happy.  That’s not what it’s about.”  Wait. Back up.  It’s not about your sister being happy?  Or finding a man who makes her happy?  So your advice is this essentially: A lot of guys can make you happy…find the one who makes you UNHAPPY.  In that case, man did Sean make a mistake sending home Tierra.  The brother continues saying, this isn’t going to work and, “this is, like, stupid almost.”  So I guess I don’t follow.  Is it actually stupid?  Or is it like stupid?  Or is it almost stupid? 

The brother takes Sean out back to show Sean what it’s like on the other side of the tracks.  The brother challenges Sean to a push-up contest but when Sean wins, the bro gets angry.  The brother decides he has only one option left to prove to Sean his biceps are bigger: sabotage her sister’s relationship with Sean.

  • Brother: She’s into you, but you’re not into her.  I don’t see any reciprocation.  There is not that connection there.
  • Sean:  I’m crazy about your sister.
  • Brother: You’re crazy about a lot of other girls.  I think you’re just a playboy. 

Sean becomes upset that his character was attacked.  How dare the bro call him a playboy!  25 women does not a playboy make!  Sean winds his arm up for a punch but decides he doesn’t want a bruised hand at the rose ceremony.  Back at the dinner table, things are awkward with a capital A.  Her parents start talking about the weather.  Sean takes zero bites of his dinner and can’t get out the door fast enough.  Ten bucks says the brother gets a rose tattoo in the near future.

Rose Ceremony

At the rose ceremony Sean can’t decide who to send home.  Sean sits down with the Almighty CH to seek some much needed counsel.  Unfortunately CH appears stoned during the exchange.  CH offers profound advice: get this right, take your time and take a hit of this pot I bought in St. Croix.  That’s why he’s paid the big bucks folks!  Right as Sean is about to hand out roses, Des asks to speak to Sean.  She apologizes for her brother’s behavior and Sean reassures her it’s ok…and then gives the rose to Catherine.  Ouch Des, I guess it’s not ok (sidenote – you know what was ok?  Des’ make-up.  It was flawless!)

Katie Holmes Des gets in the limo in search of Dawson  answers.  Without Sean, Des suddenly doesn’t know what she will do with her life.  I assume you’ll do what you did four weeks ago?  Oh Des, you’ll be fine.  Next time leave the brother in the tent.

Who do YOU think will be the winner???

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