I have failed you, my friends. On probably the most entertaining episode so far this season, I did not provide an update. Life got the best of me (namely, dog sitting for my parents, bringing the total number of pets in my 1300 square foot home to a whopping FOUR, for two weeks). Ben finally came to his senses and told the producers he wasn’t going to be a puppet in their game any longer – Olivia needed to go. The producers agreed he could cut her loose but only on an island with hurricanic winds and no viable plan to bring Olivia back to safe shores. I can only assume that somewhere in the Bahamas, Olivia has found her Wilson and hopefully learned how to build a fire.
On to this week. Ben decided it was time to bring his remaining ladies back to his hometown: Warsaw, Indiana.
Becca is nervous she’ll need to find Indiana on a map upon demand. She thinks it’s somewhere near Nebraska or Kansas. The Twin has never been anywhere with temperatures less than 60 degrees. My mind wanders to the Warsaw Pact and I contemplate if any of these women can name a single treaty.
Warsaw looks, surprisingly, like a lovely town. It’s beautiful and quaint. Serve up Ben with a side of Apple Pie and it looks like a scene in my 4th grade social studies book. Hashtag americana.
Ben meets his parents at the local greasy spoon. Um. Ben’s dad is a hottie. Hey there, silver fox! Ben tells his parents he’s falling in love. His mom tries to wipe the horrified look off her face. Is Ben an only child? Anyone? Bueller?
Later, Ben picks up the ladies in a pontoon boat and I’m officially on board with Ben. Anyone with a boat has me sold.
First One-on-One Date: Lauren B
I think we are finally down to one Lauren, which means I can stop pretending to know who the other Lauren is or what her last name initial is. Ben tells the story of his first kiss, which happened in 7th grade. I was still playing with Barbies in 7th grade. I’m not sure which one of us is the normal one. And if that didn’t convince you, surely this will:
You are welcome for that. Don’t act like you didn’t have an awkward phase.
Ben takes Lauren on a tour of Warsaw, which includes an after school program center where Ben used to work, I assume 10 years ago. Ben and Lauren play with the kids. Lauren says she fits in well with the kids because she’s the same size as them and only a few years older. Some members from the Indiana Pacer’s show up to play with the kids. I think that’s some sort of pro basketball team. Lauren giggles like a school girl as she tries to play with Paul George’s balls. I mean basketball. Ben is irritated that the Pacer’s sent their most attractive player.
Later, Ben takes Lauren to his local dive bar to meet his friends. Interestingly enough, Farmer Chris took his winner, Whitney, to the bar to meet his friends too. Coincidence?
Second One-on-One Date: JoJo
JoJo and Ben are heading to the windy city for, I hope, some strolling and shopping on Michigan Ave followed by drinks on the top level of the John Hancock. Or, in the alternative, a boat architecture tour and a stop at Navy Pier. Or hit up some of the fantastic museums and see a show.
But no. Instead, they spend the entire day AND NIGHT at Wrigley. Look. I get it. Wrigley is cool and historic and BLAH BLAH BLAH. But come on. They weren’t even at a game! They were just at Wrigley. Doing nothing.
It’s official. JoJo’s first trip to Chicago was a total waste. They play baseball, they make out and that’s about it. Zzz.
Group Date: Caila, Becca, Mom
Ben takes the girls to some remote area to row boats and fly kites. Does anyone else not like flying kites? I like watching them but I’ve never successfully launched my kite. Mom agrees and hopes there is more to the date than flying kites. Be careful what you wish for.
Becca pulls Ben aside and tells him “just don’t blindside me.” Consider yourself forewarned, Bachelor viewers.
The group date is over faster than you can say Chris Harrison. Mom gets the group date rose and gets to continue her romantic evening at McDonalds. She’s hoping she can at least supersize things, or else this is nothing but a total waste. She can’t believe she’s starved herself for weeks only to have to force down an Egg McMuffin on national TV.
We get it McDonalds. You sponsor the Bachelor. Now give me free fries for life and I’ll sing you nothing but high praises.
Ben tells Amanda he brought the girls to Warsaw because he wanted them to experience the normal things he does, such as going to McDonalds. And apparently, working at McDonalds. Dear god. This is so stupid. And that’s coming from someone who eats McDonalds more often than I care to admit.
There was slight redemption when Ben took Amanda to the local carnival. Ten bucks says it was this same location where Ben smooched his first girl in 7th grade. As Amanda sits at the top of the Ferris Wheel, making out with Ben, she says that she feels like the luckiest girl in the world right now. A carny could make you feel that way every day for the rest of your life. Just throwing that out there.
Third One-on-One Date: Twin
Emily gets the last coveted one-on-one date. Ben takes Emily in his pontoon boat, where she verifies that the birds she sees in the water, are in fact, swans.
As a fun surprise, Ben takes Emily to his house to meet his parents. Emily, totally freaked, wishes she would have worn jeans that exposed less of her knee caps and thighs.
Emily tells the camera she’s really nervous. She says talking to people makes her really anxious and she doesn’t want to make an idiot of herself. Ben’s mom pulls Emily aside for some private conversation and what comes out of Emily’s mouth is pure word diarrhea.
- Emily: So I’m one of the youngest ones here. And like I’m 23 and I don’t know, it’s just been, I don’t know, kind of hard and I know I’m young and I don’t travel a lot but this has been really hard but I have really blossomed and grown and I didn’t know I would turn into this woman. I am young and there is um so much that I want to do and I have so many dreams and I’ve dreamed of being a NFL cheerleader for as long as I can remember. And so, yeah, the Denver Broncos.
- Mom: Horrified face. Fights back tears.
- Emily: So it’s just your son and he makes me feel ready and not scared. I’ve always wanted to get married young and have kids young. I’ve been average my entire life but I feel like I’ll be an above average wife and mother.
Meanwhile, Ben’s dad calls Emily “very attractive,” and “very young.” Emily has some alone time with Ben’s dad and tells him that she loves movies and if she could sit around all day, she would watch movies. And she hates vegetables.
With one rip in her pants too many, her lack of nutritious eating, and her desire to watch movies all day (she’s basically me), Emily pounds the final nail into her proverbial coffin. Poor Em. She’s such a sweet girl. And yes, she’s young, and yes, she rambled a bit, but I wouldn’t call her immature. Maybe slightly naive. But simply because she wants to be an NFL cheerleader and dyes her hair very very blonde, doesn’t make Emily less deserving of Ben’s love than the next girl. Maybe she isn’t right for Warsaw, Indiana, but there is definitely some one out there who will love Emily and her twin, exactly as they are. Maybe even Paul George. Paul George, you available for my girl Em?
Emily handles the dumping with grace and dignity. I’m left annoyed by the ABC producers. Do you really think Ben was considering marrying Emily? Was this entire date designed to embarrass her? Was he really just unsure? What do you guys think?
Ben skips the cocktail party and hands out roses to JoJo, Lauren and Caila. Becca, looking livid, whispers into Ben’s ear, “why did you do that,” as though Becca, despite already being on this dumb show once, does not understand the show’s premise. Apparently she thought threatening him with “don’t blindside me,” meant she couldn’t be eliminated the same way EVERY GIRL gets eliminated. Now please Becca, don’t come back. Bye.