Tag Archives: seanlowe

I’m Your Beefcake

SPOILER ALERT:  In the most dramatic rose ceremony EVER in Bachelor history, Sean chooses…. CHRIS HARRISON!  I know, I was just as shocked.

But really, hope you’re comfy – we’ve got three hours of pure Bachelor bliss ahead.  In case you were wondering (don’t kid yourself, I KNOW you were wondering) these things can also be accomplished in three short hours:

  • Roast a 16 pound turkey 
  • Watch Dirty Dancing 1.7 times
  • Take a three hour nap
  • Run 20 miles
  • Read “The Great Gatsby”
  • Finally learn what exactly the Rule Against Perpetuities means (seriously, I’ll never totally get it)
  • Birth a child

But this is more special than that.  You get to watch Sean find fame love in three short hours!

The episode starts with Sean’s picture perfect family in Thailand to meet his final two ladies.  Seriously, who is this family? The Stepford Family?  The are all PERFECT!  It’s a little weird.  Sean’s totally adorable niece and nephew are there ready to evaluate the women.  The nephew kindly reminds Sean that “Emily didn’t pick you!”  I love these kids!  Anyway, Catherine is up first.

Catherine 

As Catherine gets out of the ABC van, she tells the camera she’s just a “ball of nerves.”  Is that different than a bundle of nerves?  Either way, she’s nervous!  Sean’s family is incredibly warm and inviting.  Momma Sherry pulls Catherine aside to get to know more about her and hear about Catherine and Sean’s connection.  Catherine tells Momma about the notes she passes Sean.  Momma Sherry warns Catherine not to pass notes in math class lest she wants a detention!  Mamma gives Catherine her stamp of apporval and sends her off to talk to Sean’s Dad the sweetest man in the world.

Sean’s Dad sits Catherine down to have a chat and Catherine tells Dadio she is “consumed by [Sean].”  That’s not at ALL awkward to say to your possible Father-in-Law.  Geez, why not just tell him you love to rub your tongue all over his pectorals while you’re at it Catherine!  But what Sean’s dad said next, in all seriousness, was the nicest thing I have EVER heard on this show.  I almost shed a tear.  I say almost, because I would have shed a tear had I not been yelling stuff in my man voice (a story for a different time).  Anyway, Sean’s dad says to Catherine if she joins the family, “you will never have a bigger fan than me.  I will love you like my daughter.”  Oh. My. Gosh.  I can’t even make fun of this exchange because it was just so sweet.

Lindsay 

Lindsay practices her baby voice all night to make sure it’s just right for Sean’s family.  When it’s perfect, she heads off to meet the picture perfect Lowes (at this point, my Bachelor party got distracted by Sean’s last name and needed to immediately confirm that he was not some sort of heir to the Lowe’s store.  If he was, I was about to get majorly upset that I missed my opportunity with Sean.  But, as far as we know, there’s no connection.  Phew.)

Lindsay keeps flailing her head back while she talks to Sean’s family about her journey with Sean.  Seriously, why does she keep putting her head back?  Are there answers written on the ceiling?  Pappa Jay sits down with Lindsay to ask the tough questions.  Immediately I am distracted by Jay’s HOT PINK v-neck t-shirt that he’s rocking underneath his blue button-down.  Looks like someone’s been at home shopping in Sean’s closet!  Jay tells Lindsay that on the day Sean was born, Sherry and Jay started praying for Sean’s wife.  Man, Jay strikes again!  Who is this man?  Maybe he should have a talk show.

Lindsay very awkwardly asks Jay if she can have Sean’s hand in marriage.  Then she bursts out hysterically laughing.  I can’t figure out if she is joking or if she’s just drunk again.  Tough call.

Debrief with The Cleavers 

Surprise surprise, the Cleavers like both girls and have nothing negative to say. Man, if this were my family we would probably tolerate one and hate the other.  Seriously, are these people normal?!  They are so nice.  The only one with any sense of reality seems to be Momma Sherry who kindly urges Sean not to propose to someone if he can’t decide between the girls with only 48 hours remaining.  Is it just me or would you resent your future husband if he didn’t know if he should propose to you or SOMEONE ELSE just 48 hours before he pops the question?   Momma can’t take it anymore  and starts to crack, pleading with Sean not to propose unless he’s absolutely certain.

Apparently Sean can become certain in 48 hours.  Sean puts on his tightest neon blue man-tank and sets out on his last two dates.

Last Date with Lindsay 

Teeny-tiny Lindsay shows up in her matching tank (twinsies!) and shorty shorts.  For the date Sean has arranged a float down the muddiest river I’ve ever seen on Tom Sawyer’s raft.  I expected Jim to appear any minute.  Sean takes the opportunity to stick his tongue down Lindsay’s throat a few more times (when in Rome!) probably fully knowing that he’s not going to marry her.  Later, Sean and Lindsay discuss how they’ll look when they are old.  Sean tells Lindsay he can picture her as “some hot old chick.”  Lindsay thinks this is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said so she responds with “I love you.”  Nothing says romance like being told you’ll be a hot old chick someday.

Sean puts on his requisite v-neck for the evening portion of the date, while Lindsay is dressed like she’s attending a wedding.  Not. On. The. Same. Page.  Lindsay reminds Sean that he has everything she’s ever wanted in a husband.  She tells Sean she “doesn’t know what she would do if she lost [him].”  Oh Lindsay, I have a feeling you’ll soon find out what you’ll do.  The two make out some more and Lindsay says the reason they kiss so much is because “that’s how he can really express himself to [her] right now.”  Right. I’m sure that’s it.  Poor girl, just a fool in love.

Lindsay and Sean end the night outside polluting the earth sending three lanterns into the air representing family, happiness and love.  Sean says, “at this moment, I really think she’s the one for me.”  Nothing says love like a qualifying statement!  As the lanterns float away, so does Lindsay’s shot at the Neil Lane.

Last Date with Catherine 

Sean puts on his deep-v purple shirt to greet Catherine.  Instead of a boring float down the dirtiest river ever, Catherine and Sean get to ride elephants!  Catherine says that even though she feels unstable on the elephant, Sean is there to make her feel stable.  CUE. THE. GROANS.  I’m sure he’ll come in handy when you fall off and your skull is cracked in two.

Catherine and Sean head back to Catherine’s ABC sponsored room so they can discuss their feelings some more.  Catherine explains she is nervous to express her feelings knowing Sean can’t fully express his.  But she knows what’s at stake (free ring, free wedding, expensive divorce) so she’s willing to open up.  At the end of the night, Catherine tells Sean she doesn’t want him to leave.  Catherine nervously and nearly silently whispers to Sean as he’s walking out the door, “Sean, I love you.”  Wow – what conviction!  For some reason the conversation remains in hushed tones until Sean leaves.  Catherine starts to panic when Sean leaves and chases after him.  Sean asks “what’s the matter.”  Well gee Sean, maybe it’s because you are dating someone else and I don’t know if you’ll propose to me or her tomorrow?  Maybe that’s what’s the matter?  Catherine feels frustrated by Sean’s lack of reciprocation and collapses on her canopy bed, distraught by the thought of losing Sean.  It is just me or does that canopy look super annoying?  What if you have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and you get all tangled up?  Catherine takes some of AshLee’s left over Xanax and passes out.

Proposal Day 

Suddenly Sean wakes up that morning and realizes there is one woman he can’t live without.  PHEW – he figured that out right in the nick of time!  Luckily, as Sean makes this realization, Neil Lane and his creepy chest hair arrive at the door with a bevy of gaudy rings! How much does ABC pay Neil for this?  Does this really generate business for him?  Is this what conversations are like at Neil Lane’s store?

  • Random 23 year old girl: So I like totally saw this halo diamond that was 3.7 carats and Brad was like almost going to pick it for Deanna but then he didn’t pick it because he didn’t pick any girl and I was like totally thinking, like, I could get that ring.  
  • Neil Lane: Ok that will be 20,000 dollars.  
  • Random 23 year old girl: I thought you like gave those out for like free?  
  • Neil Lane: No, ABC pays me for them. 

Ironically, Sean chose the cushion cut diamond in a halo setting, which was exactly what AshLee asked for!  Too bad the ring’s not for you, Ash.  Too bad.  Meanwhile, the girls went shopping together to get matching metallic dresses for the big day.  Unfortunately for Lindsay, Catherine picked out the gold one first, securing the Oscar.  Or at least the Oscar look.  Both girls reflect on how perfect they are for Sean and how amazing their lives will be.  Blah Blah Blah.

Sean is distraught over the thought of breaking one girl’s heart.  He sheds more tears than Jason Mesnick.  First out of the limo?  Lindsay.  Ouch.  I wonder if she instantly regretted wearing such a bad dress and even WORSE shoes.  It reminded me of a mermaid.  After Lindsay makes the long walk to Sean, Sean begins his speech praising Lindsay, telling her how she blew him away and then throws in the heart-wrenching BUT.  Sean tells Lindsay that until yesterday, he didn’t know what he was doing.  Again, if I am Catherine, I would be one ticked-off-Neil-Lane-sporting chica.  Sean tells Lindsay he must say goodbye, but not before telling her how incredible she is and that he loves her.  He says, “that’s the thing, I love you.  I love you.”  Cue. The Groans.  SEAN!  You can’t tell someone for the first time that you love them, as you’re kicking them to the curb!  Keep it to yourself.

Lindsay maintains incredible composure and dignity.  Lindsay tells Sean she is happy he found love but she can’t imagine her life without him.  Lindsay says goodbye to Sean, takes off her heels, and treks back to the rejection limo.  If you’re going to be rejected, at least do it in comfort!  Lindsay starts to break down in the limo, stating “yeah, let’s just dangle everything I’ve ever wanted, right in front of my face, and then just take it away.  Please, yes, let’s do that.  ‘Cause (sic) that’s exactly what I’ve always wanted.”  Well, it only took Lindsay the entire season to realize the premise of the show.  Kudos to Lindsay.  Lindsay continues, “In a sick twisted place in my head, I’m happy for them.”  I don’t know if that makes you sick and twisted Lindsay, I think that just makes you sweet.  I don’t think Lindsay will be single for long.

In a typical move by ABC, Chris Harrison hands Sean a letter right before Catherine’s appearance, teasing the viewers with the possibility that Catherine has cold-feet.  Whatever ABC – your antics are tired.  And surprise surprise, it was a love letter and nothing more.  By the time Catherine arrives to Sean, the sun is setting (seriously, how long did this take to film?)  Sean tells Catherine she never ceases to amaze him and he thinks the world of her.  He says he misses her when they say goodbye and he doesn’t want to say goodbye anymore.  Is that a line from a chick-flick?  Sean drops to one knee, Catherine begins to hyperventilate, sweat, and shake, and says yes to the Neil Lane.  Catherine says, “oh my gosh, is this for real?” And Sean assures her it is real, at least until the break up in 6 months.  Sean has one final question for Catherine, “Catherine, will you accept my final rose?”  Catherine says yes.

The two ride happily into the sunset, on elephant back.  Catherine gropes Sean’s muscles, asking repeatedly  “I get this?!  I get this!?”  He says, “yep, I’m your beefcake.”  Catherine laughs and says, oh my gosh, how long ago did I say that?  Well, I’d venture to guess it was maybe 4 weeks ago?  This relationship SCREAMS longevity!

Another successful ABC love story folks.  This is what fairy tales are made of.  ATFR will be up later this week!

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He Kind of Acted Like a Frat Boy

It’s the Women Tell Nothing All show.  What will we learn tonight?  Will we learn why Tierra has a dent on her forehead?  Will we learn why Tierra can’t control her eyebrow?  Will we learn what Kacie B’s next desperate act will be?  Will we learn what AshLee DOES consider a silly game?  Will we learn if Sean prefers waxing or shaving to obtain that smooth torso?  Will we learn if Des cut her brother out of the will?  Or will we only confirm that which we already know: Tierra is delusional, AshLee is a mean girl, Sarah has the personality of a slug (I don’t even know what that means, but I can only argue a slug has no personality at all), the fifty shade of intoxication girl is still single, and Leslie has nice hair.  Only time will tell, friends!

The Almighty Chris Harrison greeted his live viewing audience, consisting of middle-aged women and three men (what did those men do wrong to end up there?) and the drunk rejected Bachelorettes.  Chris sported the most hideous 80’s tie I’ve ever seen.  Come on Chris, you’re better than that!

Chris rolls footage of Sean crashing Bachelor viewing parties.  Instantly, I look around the room at my viewing party: three ladies, all wearing sweatpants, sweatshirts, no make-up, and we’ve each just consumed two giant bowls of chili.  Sean wouldn’t even be able to HANDLE all that sexy.  For Sean’s sake, I silently prayed the doorbell wouldn’t ring.  Sean’s crashing continues to various locations, including a party full of middle school girls and a sorority house (that wasn’t annoying AT ALL!).  Sean says he “humbled” by all these people invested in his quest to find love.  He cannot believe all these people care about his journey to find his wife.  Oh Sean, that’s so naive sweet that you think that’s why people watch this show…

Back at the live studio audience, the rejected Bachelorettes are introduced to the audience.  It appears all the girls went to the same blow-out bar prior to the show’s taping.  Long loose curls all around!

First in the hot seat: Tierra and her eyebrow 

Tierra shows up wearing an old shower curtain she DIYed into a dress.  Unfortunately she ran out of material and had to leave a half-circle cut-out right below her boobs.  I hate it when that happens!  tierra

CH begins his direct examination of Tierra.

  • Chris:  Tierra, you had a really hard time getting along with the other girls in the house.  You said it’s because you have so much sparkle.  Can you explain that?
  • Tierra: It’s difficult for me because I walk into a room and light it up.
  • Chris: Shine bright like a diamond, shine bright like a diamond.  Shine bright like a diamoonnnnd.  
  • Tierra:  Exactly.  Rihanna actually wrote that song about me.  
  • Chris:  Are you delusional?
  • Tierra:  I don’t want to be friends with girls.
  • Chris:  Why do you make it so hard to like you?
  • Tierra: I stayed true to Tierra.  I have nothing to apologize for.  Tierra sparkles.
  • Chris: But there were a lot of incidents with the girls.  You wouldn’t even say hi to them when they walked in the room.
  • Tierra: I can’t remember everything that happened.  I don’t even remember how I got the dent on my forehead or why it’s no longer visible to the viewing audience.
  • Chris:  You can’t remember fighting with all the girls?
  • Tierra: Look, “I was focused on Sean and I’s connection.”  I said “I’s” because I can’t remember everything, like grammar. All I know is when I was a little girl, I was Miss Nevada and boy did I sparkle.  I sparkled even more than Honey Boo Boo.
  • Chris:  Who is the victim who gave you that monstrosity on your hand?
  • Tierra: “I got a good man, that’s all that matters.”

That’s all that matters?  In life?  For the purpose of the show?  Oh god.  I need to watch different TV shows!  And also?  Worst. Ring. Ever.  It looks like it came out of the “pretty princess” Halloween costume package.

Second in the hot seat: Sarah 

I have two nice things to say about Sarah – her makeup looked beautiful and I loved her nail polish color.  That’s all the nice things I can say.  Why are we wasting our time talking to Sarah?  Why was her departure more meaningful than Des?  Or Leslie?  Or anyone who made it further than Sarah?  Sarah tells Chris every time she is rejected, she always falls back on “well I only have one arm.”  I will say it one more time, and then I’m done talking about this FOREVER.  It. is. not. your. arm.  SARAH.  It is your p-e-r-s-o-n-a-l-i-t-y.  Or lack there of.  You are boring!  Yes, on the surface you seem like a sweet girl.  But beyond that what is there to talk about?  Nothing!  Maybe you should get in contact with AshLee’s psychotherapist.

Third in the hot seat: Des 

Des!  Where are your bangs? I hardly recognize you!  Des is gracious and has nothing but sweet things to say about Sean, her experience on the show, and even her brother.  (PS – I now randomly like to respond to things my boyfriend says with the comment, “You’re just a playboy, aren’t you?”  He’s totally confused.  And I just laugh and laugh and laugh!)  I like Des more after the interview, but unfortunately that doesn’t leave me with anything funny to write about.  Well played, Des.

Fourth in the hot seat: AshLee and her ombre hair. 

In her spare time, AshLee has scoured Pintrest to find just the right picture for her ombre hair.  She also decided hair extensions were a must-have.  Chris begins his usual line of leading questions:

  • Chris: You were obsessed crazy about Sean right from the beginning.  Tell us about that.
  • Ash: Immediately, I knew he would be my prince charming.  I was searching in his eyes and the whole time I was thinking “I’ve got this.”
  • Chris:  Wow – you were wrong.  Do you think all the antidepressants clouded your judgement?
  • Ash: No.  After watching, the “guy’s not quite who I thought he was.”  When he was with the other girls, “he kind of acted like a frat boy.”
  • Chris:  You mean because he laughed and seemed to enjoy himself?  And because frat boys are generally fun people?  And you are anti-fun?
  • Ash: This man is a playboy.
  • Chris:  I thought you were in love with “this man.”
  • Ash: I’m not in love with “this man” anymore.

Chris decides it’s time to bring out Sean while AshLee’s eyes still appear wild and unpredictable.

  • Sean: Hey Ash, your hair is 5 different colors.
  • Ash: I felt dishonored by you.  What really disappointed me was that you never came back and you never checked on me.  You’re a gentleman.  You’re from the SOUTH.  You’re supposed to be a man here.  You were supposed to be “this man.”
  • Sean: I knew checking on you would make things worse and harder.  And you looked like you would kill if given the opportunity.  Plus you are kind of mean.
  • Ash:  Why did you say you had ABSOLUTELY no feelings for them?
  • Sean: I didn’t say that. And I wouldn’t say that.
  • Ash: Oh Sean, come on.   You said, there is absolutely nothing between those two.
  • Sean:  I would never say that.
  • Ash:  So you’re a liar.  You are a liar.  YOU ARE A LIAR SEAN.  Your EYES said there was NOTHING between those two.

Chris tells the ABC producers that AshLee is sitting too close on the couch and the proximity is violating the order for protection.    ABC producers ask AshLee to move back 15 feet.  AshLee glares from the reject gallery and plots Sean’s death her revenge.    

Sean wipes the bead of sweat off his brow and shudders in relief that he didn’t pick AshLee.

ABC ends the show with bloopers.  But all anyone wants to see is this:

sean1

And this:

sean2

Oh and this:

sean3

A little bit of this:

sean4

Some of this:

sean5

A touch of that:

sean7

And finally THIS:

sean6

Next week it’s the FINAL ROSE!  Who will end up with the Neil Lane?  Who will end up as the next Bachelorette?  Will Sean walk down the aisle shirtless?  See you next week!

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This Wasn’t a Silly Game to Me

Mr. Big said it best:

mrbig

After a while, you just wanna be with the one that makes you laugh.  But more on that later.

The blonde Bachelor finds himself in the South of Thailand, where he will find himself a wife (or in the alternative, a special Thai lady friend).  A pensive Sean, wearing a neon blue man-tank,  takes in the sights around him while contemplating his remaining three women.  Sean says Catherine is “a little weird and goofy,” which he finds endearing because he too is weird and goofy.  Sean describes AshLee as  terrifying having a big heart.  Sean also says AshLee is someone who was once abandoned, someone who is vulnerable, someone who has learned to trust, someone who is no longer broken, and someone who is no longer scared.  When it comes to Lindsay, Sean is in awe of their relationship.  In the beginning, he thought Lindsay was crazy, and not the good crazy.  To Sean, Lindsay is more than a wedding dress.  She’s a girl who talks in a baby voice AND wears a wedding dress.

ABC treats us to some shirtless pool shots of Sean, where I notice Sean’s physique is not what it used to be!  Where did the amazing abs go?  Is that a little beer gut I see?  Has all this wining and dining and emotional baggage known as AshLee taken a toll on Sean’s best feature?!  Say it ain’t so!  AshLee’s gotta go!

First Date: Lindsay

Lindsay shows up in a totally adorbs mint colored skirt.  Lindsay and Sean head to the Si Kao Market, where Lindsay breaks the cardinal rule – she tells ABC what her fear is and then ABC builds a date around that fear.  If I am ever on the Bachelor I’m going to feign a fear of shopping.  It will be glorious!  Anyway, Lindsay divulges that she won’t eat a bug.  And considering Lindsay didn’t sign up for “Fear Factor,” this shouldn’t be a problem…until ABC makes it a problem.  While strolling the market Lindsay says that this date is great because if they end up together their vacations will be just like this!  That’s true Lindsay, I’m sure your exotic trips to Thailand will always be paid for by ABC, sweetheart.  Back to the bug thing – the couple conveniently stumbles upon the bug booth and Sean makes Lindsay eat some of the critters.  Lindsay gags the bug down and Sean declares Lindsay wife material.  Afterall, if your wife won’t eat a bug for you, who will?

The rest of the date Lindsay spends attempting to tell Sean she loves him.  First, she tries baby sign-language but Sean doesn’t understand.  Next, she tries baby babble but Sean still doesn’t understand.  Sean tells Lindsay she’s the “best friend that [he’s] been looking for.”  That makes me feel really sad for whomever considered themselves Sean’s actual best friend.  My guess is the best friend has known Sean longer than a month?  Just a guess.

Finally it’s time for dinner/ the presentation of the fantasy suite card.  In preparation for the fantasy suite, Lindsay wears her negligee to dinner.  Time is presh – don’t waste it!  As Lindsay finally prepares herself for the perfect moment to tell Sean she loves him, the cast of “The King and I” appears and dances around them.  Ironically, Lindsay says she feels like she’s in a movie.  Yes, it’s called “The King and I!”

The real magic happens moments later.  Ladies, the fantasy suite card is now upon us.  Sean hands Lindsay the golden ticket carefully crafted envelope instructing Lindsay, “If you choose to forgo your individual rooms please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite,” signed CHRIS HARRISON.  Oh Chris!  You are so thoughtful!  PS, if you were on this show, you’d totally want to be the first date.  Could you imagine being third?  Sick.  The only thing that could be worse than being third would be having the date after Tierra.  Although, if US Weekly has any credibility, I suppose nobody should be too concerned.  See below:

bach

Moving on.  Back at the fantasy suite, Lindsay tells Sean she has something to tell him.  She’s secretly 14.  No wait, that’s not it.  She loves him.  Absurd Disney sounding music begins to play.  That always happens to me too!

Second Date: Trainwreck AshLee

Sean shows up for his date in his 208th deep-v t-shirt from the Gap.  He must be in some sort of rewards program.  AshLee takes the 80’s approach with a cropped top and shorty shorts.  AshLee drones on and on about Sean being her torture victim soulmate.  Sean takes AshLee to a cave and tells her they are going to swim through it.  AshLee is, shockingly, scared.  Because of this fear, she needs to talk some more about her fears, abandonment and trust.  Luckily AshLee’s flotation devices are always attached, so there is no need to worry about her drowning.

The dark cave provides a million cliches for us to make fun of.  AshLee says this relationship is unknown and it’s like going down a dark alley.  Sean says they turn a corner (in the cave AND in their relationship) and they found “the light at the end of the tunnel.”  Cue. The. Groans.  Times two.

Sean and AshLee come out of the cave (am I the only liberal arts kid who immediately started thinking about the Allegory of the Cave?)  Later, the doomed couple meet for dinner.  AshLee shows up wearing a giant cursive necklace.  I spend the next 10 minutes ignoring the dialogue and attempting to read the necklace.  What does it say!?  Trust?  Sean?  Broken?  Ok focus, Kate.  Ash is concerned about Sean spending the night with other people and she says that doesn’t “set” well with her heart.  I can only assume she means “sit.”  Despite her concerns and poor grammar, AshLee accepts the fantasy suite card but promises to leave room for the Holy Spirit.  As if AshLee hasn’t freaked Sean out enough, AshLee decides it’s time to tell Sean to tell Neil Lane what kind of ring she wants.  In case you were wondering, she wants a cushion cut in a halo setting and her ring size is 6.5.  You weren’t wondering?  Oh darn, neither was Sean.  Sean laughs nervously and then goes to the bathroom to throw up.

After the date, Ash tells the camera that “this man,” has changed her life.  “This man” is amazing.  She will do anything to make “this man” happy.  Then in her most profound statement yet, Ash declares “This man has literally healed [her] broken heart.”  I had NO IDEA Sean was a heart surgeon?  He LITERALLY healed you?  Sean has so many hidden talents/ professions!

Date Three: Catherine 

Sean is completely and utterly relieved to be free from AshLee and the 10000 pounds of heavy she carries around with her, he practically throws himself at Catherine.  Betraying his best friend Lindsay, Sean describes Catherine also as his best friend.  Sean, every girl knows you can only have ONE best friend!  Friendship necklaces split in two, NOT THREE.  But Sean also likes Catherine because she’s weird and he’s weird too.  Here is a possible quote that could be read at their wedding:

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

You’re welcome.  At dinner, Sean tells Catherine he could see himself marrying her.  WOW – well if he doesn’t pick Catherine, his other pick is going to be pretttty upset after hearing that.  Catherine brings up the fantasy suite issue and tells Sean thinking about this hanky panky makes her nervous and she still wants to be seen as a lady.  But Catherine decides her reputation doesn’t really  matter and accepts Chris Harrison’s invitation.  Catherine and Sean spend the night making out in a Thai pool, calling Sean beefy and hunky.  Beef, it’s what’s for dinner.

Rose Ceremony

Shirtless Sean tells the camera he woke up the morning of the rose ceremony and knew who he needed to send home.  If it’s not AshLee, I’m prepared to watch the final episode with earplugs in.  I can’t deal with any more of her.  I. Just. Can’t.  Sean meets up with Chris Harrison, who was in the middle of a thai massage, and tells Chris he’s ready to hand out two roses.  Chis is angry about the interruption so he forces Sean to watch video messages from all three ladies, even though Sean already knows who he is kickin’ to the curb.  First, we watch Lindsay’s carefree message in baby talk.  Sean smiles as he watches Lindsay.  Second, we watch Catherine’s carefree message about Sean being  a “mega hunk,” and how thinking about him gives her the “wiggles.”  Sean again smiles as he watches Catherine.  Third, we watch AshLee’s involuntary commitment evidence heartfelt message to Sean.  AshLee cannot imagine one day without Sean.  AshLee believes that “together we are whole.”  AshLee cannot get through a single sentence without crying.  Is there a pill for this?  If so, give it to her.  Immediately.  As I watch Sean’s PAINED expression, I feel 90% confident AshLee is out of there.  Sean was practically turning green over the thought of AshLee’s impending trip to the psych ward.

Chris Harrison kicks off the rose ceremony and informs us this is the final rose ceremony of the season.  No!  AshLee shows up at the rose ceremony and felt it was time to bring out the big guns.  Seriously.  There was so much boob, it was like she was a nursing mother.  First rose to Lindsay (LOVE the dress Lindsay!), second rose to Catherine.  No rose to Ms. Perky, who is suddenly very less perky and instantly regrets showing all of America her boobs at the rose ceremony.  AshLee’s eyes turn to daggers and her face turns to ice.  As my mom said, “if looks could kill…”

AshLee storms off and tells Sean to just. stay. there.  Sean follows after her and tries to explain his decision.  AshLee remains stone cold, showcasing the most evil glare we’ve ever seen in Bachelor history, and gets into the limo without a single word or tear.  In the reject Limo, Ash says, “this wasn’t a silly game to me.  This wasn’t about a joy ride and about laughter and joking and having fun.”  Yes AshLee, you made that abundantly clear!  What guy would want their future wife to laugh, joke and have fun?  How DARE Sean!  The ABC psychotherapist gives AshLee a heavy does of antidepressants and some Xanax and removes all sharp objects from the limo.  But seriously Ash, at the end of the day, we just want to be with the person who makes us laugh.  And nervous laughter doesn’t count.

Women Tell ALL next week!  Will AshLee still be heartbroken?  Has she worn out her Sean voodoo doll?  Will the pastor parents put a bounty on Sean?

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I Think You’re Just a Playboy

It’s hometown date week!!!!! The only thing better than hometown dates?  Fantasy suite dates, duh!  Sean has four mediocre women left, one of whom could be his wife.  Of course statistically speaking she’s more likely to sprout wings and fly to the moon than become Sean’s wife, but who cares about stats??!  This is LOVE people!  Love conquers stats!  Everyone knows that.

First Hometown Date: AshLee in Houston

AshLee says that before meeting Sean she had no idea what real true love was.  Wow – I’m not sure whether to laugh or to cry.  Hey AshLee, this is NOT REAL TRUE LOVE.  At this point, Sean can’t believe he actually has to go to Houston to visit AshLee but ABC has not found a psychotherapist willing to ride in the rejection limo with AshLee.  After ABC decides it’s too risky to dump AshLee, Sean is sent to Houston. 

AshLee is so excited about bringing this man home to her family.  She can’t wait to introduce this man to her family.  This man is so great.  I want a man as great as this man.  AshLee plops Sean down on a blanket to talk about how she’s no longer broken and how she trusts this man.  Ash says Sean is the man to protect her heart.  Actually Ash, I have the man for you.  Kasey from Ali’s season.  He will definitely guard and protect your heart!   For a reminder, click here.

Has anyone else noticed that Sean and AshLee have never had a conversation that wasn’t about AshLee’s dysfunction?  Seriously, run Sean.  Sean goes to AshLee’s family to meet her Pastor Pop and Mom.  AshLee completely over shares with her parents, creeping them and the audience out: 

  • AshLee:  We rolled around in the sand and I could feel Sean getting really excited.  You guys know what I mean?
  • Sean (laughing nervously):  We were just having fun.
  • Mother: Sean, I’m going to need to speak with you later.
  • AshLee:  Seriously, we were all OVER each other Mom!  It was great!

After telling Sean to refrain from more sand-rolling with her daughter, AshLee’s mom says she wants AshLee’s heart to be loved, protected, and sheltered.  Seriously – call Kacey.  Nuff said.  Preaching Pappa warns Sean that if he doesn’t pick her, Dad will have to do a lot of emotional repair and he can’t be away from his congregation that long.  Sean and Dad talk about AshLee’s teenage marraige.  Dad says he signed off on the marriage because he felt like that was the best option but he probably would have done things differently if he had to do it all over again.  You PROBABLY would do this differently????  At this point I got very worried about the congregation in Houston who turns to this pastor for guidance.  Does it really show good judgment to allow your teenage daughter to marry her teenage boyfriend?! 

AshLee has no doubt that she wants to marry this man immediately.  Sean leaves confused as to who this man is.

Second Hometown Date: Catherine – Seattle

Sean shows up in Seattle wearing some tight pants and showcasing some serious man-thigh.  The duo heads to the Public Market to catch some slimmy fish.  The fish-men seriously whip the fish at Sean but Sean keeps up and catches all the flying fish.  Catherine has less luck but does finally catches a fish one-handed.  I’m sure they both smelled delish afterwards!

At Catherine’s home, Sean meets Catherine’s Mother, Grandmother and two sisters.  I am immediately distracted by the amazing looking egg rolls on the coffee table. I. Must. Have.  Catherine takes her sisters into a bedroom to gush about Sean.  But like all good sisters, they have other plans.  They remind Catherine that she went on the show for fun, not to get engaged.  Catherine feels annoyed that she has to defend the prospect of getting engaged to her boyfriend of a hot second.  I mean why shouldn’t she get engaged after one date and four weeks of knowing him?  Catherine’s sisters try a different tactic by telling Sean about Catherine’s flaws.  What are sisters for!  

  • Sister 1:  Catherine is very messy.  She might qualify for that show “Hoarders.”         
  • Sister 2: Catherine has WILD mood swings.  Seriously.  Her PMS levels are completely out of hand.  Can you handle that?
  • Sister 1:  Catherine will drop you like it’s hot as soon as she gets bored.
  • Sean: Do you guys have anything nice to say about Catherine?
  • Sisters: Yeah, she’s like super pretty.

Catherine’s Mother notices Sean doesn’t eat any egg rolls and does not give Sean her blessing to marry Catherine.  Sean leaves Seattle doubting his relationship with Catherine.  That’s super sad for Sean…things should definitely be certain after all this time!    

Third Hometown Date: Lindsay – Fort Leonard Wood, MO

Sean heads to the middle of no where Missouri to Lindsay’s house.  Sean says that Lindsay possesses many qualities he wants in his wife.  Why does Sean say this about every woman on the show?  It’s as though the only quality Sean looks for in a wife is that she be female. 

Sean is anxious to meet Lindsay’s father because he is a two-star general.  Be less nervous Sean.  General Petreaus has four stars and look how his career ended… but really, Sean is nervous and I think it’s pretty telling.  He’s nervous because she’s the only one he ACTUALLY likes.  Lindsay has Sean put on some army apparel and pretends to be a commanding officer.  It’s mildly cute but then when Lindsay starts slapping Sean’s behind over and over again it felt a little like a bad romance novel. 

At 18:00, the pair heads to Lindsay’s house.  Sean has no idea what time that is.  At Lindsay’s house, Sean meets The General her dad, mother and little brother.  Lindsay’s mom was so happy and cheerful.  I want to go hang out with Lindsay’s mom!  After Sean’s meeting with Momma, Sean hears the General yell “TEN-HUT.”  Sean thinks this is some football related play and ignores the command.  Sean has to drop and give the General 20 for disobeying orders.  After, Sean stands at attention and says, “Sir, permission to ask permission to marry your daughter, SIR.”  The General tells Sean “at ease” and tells Sean to have the authority to make the decision.  Sean is confused by all the military talk.  The General rephrases in civilian terms and says, fine you have my blessing if Lindsay wants to get married.  The General gives Sean a set of dog tags.  I guess that way it will be easier to identify Sean after the General kills him?

Sean asks Lindsay if he’ll be required to get a high and tight hair-cut.  Lindsay explains that marrying her won’t enlist him.  Roger that.  He heaves a giant sigh of relief and declares he could see himself in this family.  Sir, yes sir.

Fourth Hometown Date: Des – Los Angeles

Des and Sean take a hike overlooking the Hollywood sign.  After, Des takes Sean back to her house (which, by the way, is much much nicer than a tent).  A few minutes after Sean arrives some guy appears at the door.  Initially I think to myself, wow he’s cute! I like his dark curly hair and Des should totally get back together with him.  But then the poor acting made me realize quickly this was a joke.  It would have been so much more hilarious if it was actually real!

Des’ family shows up, which includes her mother, father and freaky lovely brother.  Des sits down with her charmer of a brother (hey bro, are you single?)  and she tells him Sean makes her happy.  After consulting one of his arm tatoo quotes, the Brother says, “A lot of guys can make you happy.  That’s not what it’s about.”  Wait. Back up.  It’s not about your sister being happy?  Or finding a man who makes her happy?  So your advice is this essentially: A lot of guys can make you happy…find the one who makes you UNHAPPY.  In that case, man did Sean make a mistake sending home Tierra.  The brother continues saying, this isn’t going to work and, “this is, like, stupid almost.”  So I guess I don’t follow.  Is it actually stupid?  Or is it like stupid?  Or is it almost stupid? 

The brother takes Sean out back to show Sean what it’s like on the other side of the tracks.  The brother challenges Sean to a push-up contest but when Sean wins, the bro gets angry.  The brother decides he has only one option left to prove to Sean his biceps are bigger: sabotage her sister’s relationship with Sean.

  • Brother: She’s into you, but you’re not into her.  I don’t see any reciprocation.  There is not that connection there.
  • Sean:  I’m crazy about your sister.
  • Brother: You’re crazy about a lot of other girls.  I think you’re just a playboy. 

Sean becomes upset that his character was attacked.  How dare the bro call him a playboy!  25 women does not a playboy make!  Sean winds his arm up for a punch but decides he doesn’t want a bruised hand at the rose ceremony.  Back at the dinner table, things are awkward with a capital A.  Her parents start talking about the weather.  Sean takes zero bites of his dinner and can’t get out the door fast enough.  Ten bucks says the brother gets a rose tattoo in the near future.

Rose Ceremony

At the rose ceremony Sean can’t decide who to send home.  Sean sits down with the Almighty CH to seek some much needed counsel.  Unfortunately CH appears stoned during the exchange.  CH offers profound advice: get this right, take your time and take a hit of this pot I bought in St. Croix.  That’s why he’s paid the big bucks folks!  Right as Sean is about to hand out roses, Des asks to speak to Sean.  She apologizes for her brother’s behavior and Sean reassures her it’s ok…and then gives the rose to Catherine.  Ouch Des, I guess it’s not ok (sidenote – you know what was ok?  Des’ make-up.  It was flawless!)

Katie Holmes Des gets in the limo in search of Dawson  answers.  Without Sean, Des suddenly doesn’t know what she will do with her life.  I assume you’ll do what you did four weeks ago?  Oh Des, you’ll be fine.  Next time leave the brother in the tent.

Who do YOU think will be the winner???

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All That Glitters Sparkles Is Not Gold.

After unearthing from 100 pounds of mardi gras beads, two (that’s right, TWO) plush roses, numerous stuffed animals, a rubber chicken, a coconut, a bone, frisbees, bracelets, the big giant light-up diamond ring, and a very fluffy tutu, I was finally able to watch this week’s episode of the Bachelor.

Is it just me or is this the fastest season in Bachelor history? How can there only be 5 soulmates left??? If I don’t know who the “one” for Sean is yet, how can he know?!

ABC Sean is so so sweet and decides his girls are too special for commercial flights. It’s private all the way, ya’ll! The plane lands in St. Croix, where Tierra gets worried that Sean will notice orange sweat dripping from her face. Tierra instantly regrets the fifth layer of bronzer she applied a few minutes earlier. At the hotel Tierra decides it would be best to have her own space so she can focus on her sparkle Sean.

The first date card arrives (sans Chris Harrison, come on ABC, where is he!?) and it reads “AshLee, let’s get carried away…to the ABC psychologist.” Tierra takes this opportunity to sparkle by stating repeatedly, “the cougar’s back in town!” When nobody responds, Tierra says it louder, “The COUGAR’S BACK IN TOWN!” Tierra asks the girls if they get it. They don’t. Tierra explains that AshLee is like TOTS a cougar because she’s over the age of 30. Tierra says that being single past the age of 25 is not so sparkly. Sadly at this point, it occurred to me that when I first started watching this show I was too young to compete. Now if I participate in the show I’m deemed too old and likely a cougar. I’m past my sparkly prime!

First One-on-One: The Cougar Finds Trust

The Coug meets up with Sean, who just escaped a jail full of swimmers (Alcatraz perhaps?) Seriously, did you see those swim trunks? Those black and white stripes screamed inmate! Sean’s crime? Bad kissing.  Guilty as charged! AshLee refers to Sean as “this man” like 100 times (did she forget his name? This is after all only their second date) and drones on and on (and on and on) about trust and foundation and abandonment and more trust, and starts all her sentences with “my psychologist says,” until Sean can’t take it anymore and decides he’d rather talk about the house drama than hear the cougar say trust one more time.

  • Sean: Tell me about Tierra. Why don’t people like her?
  • AshLee: She called me a *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPING* cougar.
  • Sean: Well, I mean you are 32, Ash.
  • AshLee: What are you saying Sean? I need to trust you Sean.
  • Sean: I like your age. Anyway, what’s wrong with Tierra, other than her name sounds like a stripper?
  • AshLee: I don’t know how to tell you this but, who you get is not who we get. She is not nice to us and she isolates herself.

Even though Sean has been told his like 700 times it finally resonates. I guess he just needed to hear it from someone older and wiser. This leads to Sean and AshLee making out on the beach to a dramatic musical score. Back at the house Tierra sticks needles in her AshLee voodoo doll while repeating her mantra “down with the coug, down with the coug.”

AshLee and Sean wash the sand out of their mouths and head to dinner. AshLee has one more secret to tell Sean and it hopefully might be a deal-breaker. AshLee got married, to her cousin, at age 17. Actually it wasn’t her cousin it was just her boyfriend, presumably unrelated. She got divorced later in her junior year when she realized she wanted a different prom date. AshLee is worried Sean thinks she’s broken (Sean actually does think that but he’s too much of a gentlemen to say otherwise).

Second date: Tierra complains

Tierra gets the second date card and it reads “let’s explore our love on the streets of St. Croix.” Tierra is mad. How can she sparkle with bugs and makeup sweating off her face? She would do better on a boat. Plus, she doesn’t have any fake land injuries planned.

Sean picks up Tierra and her shorty shorts for their very first one-on-one date. Tierra starts complaining. She’s hot, she’s gross (glad I didn’t have to say it!), she’s thirsty. But Sean, knowing Tierra SO WELL, takes her shopping! And he totally takes her somewhere he KNEW she’d love. Oh hey Tierra, you’re on an island. You went to the ONLY place to shop. Sean buys Tierra a shell necklace I would have picked out in the 6th grade and Tierra is over the moon that Sean would spend 3.00 whole american dollars on her. I guess I shouldn’t remind Tierra that Leslie got diamond earrings when she was kicked to the curb…

Sean wants to hear Tierra’s side of the house drama story. Tierra is upset that someone threw her under the bus. Tierra is upset that Sean is distant. Tierra is upset that the cougar got to wear a swimsuit on her date. UGH! I’m bored just writing about Tierra! Hey Tierra, you want some cheese with that WHINE!?!

Group Date: Let’s all go, road trip!!!! (Legally Blonde, anyone?)

Sean proves smarter than I thought and decides he needs to see these women without make-up if he’s going to wife one of them. He doesn’t need to feel scared each morning. And after seeing Tierra’s racoon eyes, Sean realizes this is a pressing matter. At 4:30 in the morning, ABC lets Sean into their room and Sean wakes them up and starts snapping photos (ok Sean, not cool). It’s one thing to look but it’s another thing to document. Sean is relieved they all look better than Tierra and decides the date can proceed.

Des, Lindsay, and Catherine pile into Sean’s jeep and head on a road trip around the island. The first stop is the sunrise. (I have to admit I thought the road trip looked like fun). My favorite stop? Sean and the girls drinking at a bar and then Sean getting back behind the wheel. Nothing like drinking and driving!

The final stop is at the other end of the island to watch the sun set. Or would be sun set if there was actually sun. Towards the end of this date Sean has some alone time with Lindsay. After he says privately, “I didn’t know if I should keep the girl in the wedding dress. Fast forward and now I’m crazy about that girl in the wedding dress.” I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but I actually audibly “awwwwwwed.”  It seemed so sweet and genuine. Thus, I have concluded Sean picks Lindsay. Group rose? Lindsay. I hear wedding bells.

Third one-on-one date- Lesley

Lesley goes on a remarkably boring date. The only thing memorable was Lesley’s 80’s makeup. I wish I could give her some makeup tips. It’s always wrong wrong wrong. But I liked her bright pink skirt! Things less boring than this date? Staring at a wall, watching paint dry, waiting for water to boil, Tierra crying, and AshLee learning to trust.

I heave a giant sigh of relief when this snooze of a date is over and the real drama can start. Sean’s sister Shay is in town. Or is it Shea? Like the super creamy yummy lotion? Shay is there to confirm that Tierra is a bad apple. Sean goes to get Tierra but walks into the aftermath of a Tierra-rist.

Moments earlier, Tierra decided to confront AshLee for “sabotaging” her relationship with Sean. I’m sorry – I missed something. What relationship? I’ve had a longer relationship with a carton of eggs in my refrigerator. Tierra proclaims she is not going to sit around in a group and talk high school. I mean, she’s 24 years old! She is a woman! A sparkly woman!

The confrontation travels to a bedroom where Lesley and Catherine are lounging on a bed. Lesley asks them to freeze and fetches a bucket of popcorn. Catherine live tweets the exchange. Tierra tells AshLee, “men LOVE me!” (Hey men, is that true?!?!) Cue the eyebrow raising growns!  Tierra again attacks AshLee’s age. 32 and unmarried – the horrors! AshLee tells Tierra the reason the girls don’t like her is because she ignores them when they try to talk to her and she raises her eyebrows at them. Tierra is appalled. Ohhh girl, don’t you talk about her eyebrow like that! Tierra yells, “I can’t HELP MY EYE BROW!” Man if only there was something to control facial expressions…like a brain! Sounds like Tierra needs a trip to Emerald City!

Tierra explains that she has sparkle and she isn’t going to let these girls take away her sparkle. Her parents told her not to let anyone take away her sparkle! But as my momma taught me (and Shakespeare), all that glitters sparkles isn’t gold. And I can think of a lot of things much more sparkly than Tierra:

  1. Diamonds
  2. Nail polish
  3. Patent leather pumps
  4. Christmas Lights
  5. My graying hair
  6. Craft glitter
  7. Freshly fallen snow
  8. Fireworks
  9. Chris Harrison’s former wedding band (it had a diamond on it!)

chrisring

Sean finally wakes up and smells the roses (ha!) and realizes that Tierra is like a rose.  She may be beautiful, but she has thorns.  She may be sparkly, but she ain’t gold.  Sean tells Tierra her reign is over– take off your tiara.  Tierra gets into the reject limo and does the ugly cry.  Tierra cries, “I can’t believe they did this to me.  I hope they got what they wanted.”  Umm  yes, Tierra, they did get what they wanted.  They wanted you gone and it looks like you’ve got a one-way ticket to Sparkletown.  And for your sake, I hope the mini van windows were tinted.

At the rose ceremony Sean tells the cougar and remaining girls that he does not want drama.  AshLee calls in an emergency script for anti-anxiety medication.  Her yellow dress, meant to invoke calmness, does nothing to squelch her rose-ceremony nerves.  AshLee gets the rose and we are subjected to 20 more rounds of “trust,” “love” and “this man” nonsense.

Les is sent back to Capitol Hill to fetch coffee for an aspiring <del> snake oil salesman</del> politician.  I guess Tierra took all of Les’ sparkle with her.  That or Les’ dress was unconstitutionally ugly.

Then the world finds out that Catherine is in love with Les.  She is beyond upset that Les was sent home and her “beliefs are shattered about what [Sean] wants.”  Huh?  Catherine, doll, if you’re crying because another girl left the show, then perhaps it’s time for you to leave?  Just a suggestion.

Next week we get a glimpse into our remaining bachelorettes’ dysfunctional homes!  And if I’m a bettin’ gal, I think Sean’s biceps will win any day of the week against Des’ brother.  Stay sparkly everyone!

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Everybody Watch Your Back, We Have a Tierra-rist On Our Hands.

I’m in love. 100%, head-over-heels, in love. I’m a smitten-kitten.

I want to wake up every morning to this view:

fairmont_chateau_lake_louise

That’s right ladies, I’m in love with Lake Louise! I’d even go so far as to say it might be worth putting up with Sean’s vomit-inducing kissing just to see that turquoise water. Never mind. Nothing is worth that. Seriously Sean, you should have listened to Arie. Who kisses like you?!?!?! How many of those girls are completely repulsed? I’d say all but Tierra!

Anyway, Sean and his 9 remaining “girl friends” head to Canada, eh! The Almighty CH is no where to be seen. An APB for Chris Harrison was sent out, unanswered.

First One-on-One: Catherine

I’m immediately excited that Catherine gets the one-on-one date (although I’m less excited that she’s going on the date with Sean). We haven’t seen a lot of Catherine but she is so cute and seems to have both sweetness and substance. Imagine that! When Catherine first stepped out of the limo I gasped – it was Winnie from the Wonder Years!

Winnie:

Danica-mckellar teen years

Catherine:

catherine

It’s bizarre how everyone looks like a celebrity to me this season. Anyway, Catherine puts on her thinnest coat possible and meets Sean in the coldest place possible. Sean shows up with a giant snow bus and I have to admit the thing looked like a lot of fun. Sean drove them (probably like 5 feet before ABC’s liability insurance ran out) to a spot to participate in some sledding and other snow romping activities. The couple sipped on some hot chocolate (undoubtedly spiked – I’m not judging by the way, I prefer mine spiked!). The most amazing part of the date? I only rolled my eyes once! Catherine said something like “when I’m with Sean, I’m not cold.” Ok whatever Catherine. It’s -123 with windchill of -239 and you have lost all your toes permanently to frostbite but it’s all good because Sean keeps you soooo warm! Cue the groans. Maybe you’re just feeling flushed from the embarrassment of his poor kissing.

After all the snow romping, Cathean (Catherine + Sean = Cathean) head to an ice castle. Catherine tells this very tragic story and Sean doesn’t offer any sort of condolence or even acknowledgement of the story. Instead he goes straight for the top-lip make out session (seriously, he’s always latching on to the top lip??) Thanks to close-ups and HD television, the audience is privileged to a nice shot of some snot dripping from Sean’s nose. The. Entire. Time.

Sean – here is an article I found that you should consider. The gist is bad kissers don’t make it to “second base.” Consider that. Enroll in lessons. Do something. But dear golly, don’t make us watch any more of this without addressing the issue!

Rose for Catherine!

Group Date: Tierra and the Princess

Tierra, Selma, Lindsay, Lesley, Sarah, Daniella, and AshLee meet Sean on the shores of Lake Louise for the group date. They all go canoeing around the lake (it seems like their canoe skills have improved since the Montana trip). Lesley grabs the bull by the horns and jumps in Sean’s canoe. Game on. Cut to Selma in the confession room: “I wanted to tip that boat over so freaking bad.” And then Selma sort of laughed but also sort of appeared like she was having a stroke. It was almost like a Count Dracula laugh. ONE in the water, AH AH AH AH. TWO in the water, AH AH AH AH.

Back on solid ground, with the help of a 17 year old ginger, Sean tells the girls to take off their clothes and jump into the lake. Some are not so sure. Other are mad their legs got spiky in the cold canoe. Some are drunk and therefore excited. Selma won’t even consider it. Call her a princess, she doesn’t care (actually I bet she’d like to be called a princess). And don’t forget, she’s from Baghdad – warm weather people. Although she also told Sean she doesn’t do well in the heat. Make up your mind, Princess.

AshLee asks Sean if she can call her shrink first to see what he thinks because she says, “no one in my life has ever made me want to do something for them.” Umm wait. What? Nobody has ever made you want to do something for them??!! Hi, my name is AshLee and I’m the most self-centered person EVER. AshLee’s shrink says it’s ok to take the plunge and heaven forbid, even have fun. AshLee is so proud of her self. She felt like she moved a mountain. Really though AshLee, you did what millions of hungover Americans do every single New Years Day. And here, where I come from, they actually have to cut a HOLE in the frozen lake to get to the water. I didn’t see any ice on that lake!

But as you all know, the one who sacrificed the MOST for Sean was the raccoon formerly known as Tierra. Tierra jumped into that lake in her Legally Blonde swim suit (I hate to admit that I liked her suit), popped back out and ran back to the 17-year-old ginger and cried wolf once more. Instead of throwing on the fluffy white robe like all the other girls, Tierra keeled over and eventually had to be carried off by the poor little red-head. Reason number 20,284 why Sean would never be my boyfriend. Sean, seriously, shouldn’t you have carried Tierra? Or at least offerred? What’s the point of all those morning push-ups if you can’t use your biceps in a situation like this?

Anyway, here was poor Tierra after her fake bout with hypothermia:

raccoon1

Tierra does what any person with hypothermia would do. She holds her shaking hands up near her face, orders some extra-hot Starbucks, instructs the maid to put on her socks and straps on her oxygen tank before paging Sean. Sean appears to comfort Tierra. Cackling Tierra tells Sean he better marry her after all this! And seriously Sean, you better. Why wouldn’t you want to wake up to this each morning?

tierra-missing-time-w352

The choice is yours Sean. Sean tells Tierra to stay in bed for the night. But when a Tierra-rist has a plan, a Tierra-rist has a plan and it will not be thwarted by some fake medical problem! Tierra takes a bath in her perfume, applies more mascara for good measure, and heads to go get her man.

Lesley spots Tierra enter the party and acts as Homeland Security, warning the girls, “everybody watch your back, we have a Tierra-rist on our hands.” Unfortunately as we all know, there will always be a Tierra-rist around.

The next day, Sean drops by the room and asks to speak to Sarah. Sean decides things aren’t working out with Sarah and it’s time for her to leave. In front of Sean, Sarah took the shock very well and was a gracious rejectee. Things became a little more frantic in the limo but nothing that the ABC psychotherapist couldn’t handle.

Second One-on One Date: Desiree – those boots are made for walkin’ rappelling.

Sean decides Des needs some reassurance after the trip to Montana so she gets another one-on-one. Des was super excited about the date until she found out she had to rappel down the mountain to drink eat lunch. Des has to rappel in a pair of Sorel winter snow boots. Come on. I have a pair of those boots. They are heavy, slippery and cumbersome. I don’t think they are meant to rappel down a mountain! ABC, get her some proper shoes!

The two make it down, picnic, and then climb a tree. After, Sean takes Des to a teepee, while sporting the world’s ugliest sweater. Sean looked like a giant hunk of beef. You are just too beefy to pull off hipster Norwegian sweaters Sean! Des shares with Sean that she feels right at home in the teepee because she grew up in a tent. Sean thinks it’s really neat that Des grew up in the circus and is wondering if they can incorporate the circus into a future episode. Des patiently explains that she lived in a tent/ trailer when money was tight, not because she is related to the Ringling Brothers. Later, Des says, “I opened up about growing up in a tent and here I am falling in love in a teepee.” That peyote makes you say the darndest things!

Rose Ceremony

Selma decides it’s time to bring out the big guns. And by big guns she means her giant fake breasts. She goes against her convictions (or at least her mother’s convictions), kisses Sean (sort of) and then apologizes to her mother. I think your mother is more upset that your nipples are about to show in that dress, sweetheart.

AshLee decides she hasn’t shown America that she is unstable enough and makes Sean blindfold her and lead her around. At first Sean thinks this is another 50 Shades of Grey moment but then realizes AshLee is crying and carrying on about how she has pushed a mountain and Sean stood on the other side. Sean suggests AshLee call her shrink again and disappears to sloppily make out with someone else.

That someone else is Lindsay who is slap-happy drunk because that’s the only way she can tolerate Sean’s kissing. I have to admit, Lindsay talks in a baby voice and is often drunk but I’d rather watch her because she’s having FUN! And you know what, at the end of the day, we all just want to have some fun.

All is right in the world again when Chris Harrison shows up at the rose ceremony. PHEW! Sean sends home Selma (and her big guns) and Daniella (and her 80’s clothes and make-up). Who stays? The Tierra-rist.

Next week’s post will be up towards the end of the week. Why you ask? Because I’m going to Mardi Gras! Beads for everyone!

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She Needs a Xanax and She Needs to be Sent Home

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. This season of the Bachelor is unprecedented. Chris Harrison keeps showin’ up on dates, there wasn’t a single hot tub scene this episode, and Sean was not SSS (Sean shirtless and sweating) ONCE. Not once!

Chris Harrison shows up in the hangover suite living room, and tells the girls to pack their bags. Tierra breaks into hysterics. An ambulance is called and Tierra is administered oxygen. When she finds out she’s not being sent home but rather is embarking on a world-wide adventure, Tierra’s evil laughter fills the room. Most of that didn’t happen, but seriously Tierra, what’s with the sardonic laughter? You need meds. Sean’s journey to the Bachelor pad love begins in beautiful Whitefish, Montana. The entire time I watched, I was practically drooling with envy. (I might have also been partially drooling from eating 6 Kit-Kat bars and 4 Crunch Bars in the span of 20 minutes). But seriously. How. Flipping. Gorgeous. Can I please hole-up in a lodge with my girl friends for a week at that resort? I don’t need to do anything but lounge in a fluffy white robe and sip on screw drivers. I would be so happy. Of course, I’d want Tierra’s room disinfected before I stay there. I don’t want to catch whatever is responsible for making her eyebrows that arched. Nor do I want to catch her psychosis bad attitude.

On a side note, I started thinking that it’s pretty cool that the Bachelor goes to all these amazing places all over the world, but wouldn’t it be fun if the Bachelor did an all-American season? The US has some pretty amazing places and it would be neat to see more of those highlighted. I’ve got some suggestions (duh!) to check out here!

First Date: Lindsay

You know what I love about Sean? ABC He ALWAYS does the most special things for his dates! Sean takes his relationship with Lindsay to new heights. Literally. He picks up Lindsay in a helicopter. If I were Lindsay I totally would have swooned over Sean the amazing pines and breath-taking views. The helicopter drops Lindsay and Sean off at the top of a mountain. Then, the most amazing thing happened. Julie Andrews appeared, spread her arms wide, twirled in a circle and started to sing in her heavenly voice, “The hillllls are aliveee, with the sound of musicccccccc.” Ugh, I WISH! Actually, I admired this date for its normalcy. Well, minus that fact that I’ve never been transported to the top of a gorgeous mountain by helicopter, never had a private firework display, and never had a super annoying lovely, intimate concert. But I have had dates that involved sitting on a blanket! I thought Lindsay looked really gorgeous on this date. Her eyeshadow was pretty (what’s the brand Linds???). You know what was less gorgeous? The constant baby-voice.

After the mountain top, Sean takes Lindsay inside and says he wants to “take things a little deeper.” His words folks, not mine. Oh Sean, the two-star General is going to be mad!!!! The conversation between Lindsay and Sean was sooo deep. It went like this:

    Sean: You are so amazing.
    Lindsay: I think you’re so amazing.
    * make out for a few minutes *
    Sean: I know you so well.
    Lindsay: I know you so well too.
    *make out for a few minutes *
    Sean: We have amazing conversation.
    Lindsay: We have seriously amazing conversation.
    *make out for a few minutes.

But the best Lindsay liner? When she calls Sean classy. Nothing says class like the Bachelor! PS – did you notice that at the concert the lyrics were “I want to be your cigarette/ I want to linger on your breath?” Wait – WHAT? You want to be cancer and leave a totally offensive taste in someone’s mouth? Sorry annoying country chick, I won’t be downloading that single!

Group Date: You make my heart want to puke race

The girls arrive for their group date and when Selma sees Sean she jumps on Sean faster than Tierra can fake an injury. And is the really intense headband necessary? Last I checked you were milking a goat, not skiing. Once again, the Almighty Chris Harrison shows up to give a run-down on the date. That’s weird, I thought he only showed up when the girls were in bikinis!

The girls are divided into red and blue teams and have to compete in a competition that involves canoeing, moving bales of hay, cross-cutting a log, milking a goat and drinking the bachelor kool aid milk. Poor Lesley informs all of the women in America that she needs a biology lesson after she says the goat said “he [will]” make the milk chocolate for her.

The girls jump in the canoes and prove quickly they’ve never canoed. They only have to go like 2 feet with the current of the river and yet it’s as difficult for them as it is for Kacie B to not act desperate. Eventually, the red team is pronounced the winner. Warm goat milk all around!

The blue team is sent back to the lodge. The blue team is really only upset because Tierra is at the lodge. Sean feels soooo guilty about subjecting them to Tierrable that he invites the blue team back to the cocktail party. Des, the goat milk chugger, is instantly upset that she drank the creamy warm white substance for NOTHING. Understandable Des, understandable. Never good when that happens.

Back at the lodge Tierra is writing in her burn book diary about how unfair it is that Sean is misleading her. She decides she MUST go find Sean to find out where his head is “at.” Dangling preposition and all. Tierra does what any psycho girlfriend would do. She secretly crashes the date.

Back at the party, Daniella drank all the free alcohol and cannot control her crying. What we learn? Crying works. Sean gives Daniella the rose.

Two-on-two date: Tierra and Jackie – love is a wild ride

First, Jackie is just so adorable. Second, her outfit was soooo cute! They meet Sean who is waiting for them with horses. Tierra offers to save a horse, ride a cowboy. Tierra says like 10000 times that she is on a date with her husband. Man, Tierra is UP UP UP! What did Chris slip her?

After the riding, Jackie and Sean have some one and one time. Jackie makes a bold move and decides to tell Sean about Tierra flirting with someone at the airport. It went something like this, hey TSA agent, want to give me a pat down? Do you want to check my bags? Am I going to need a full body scan?

After dinner, Tierra and Sean have some alone time. Tierra says she is scared because she has the BIGGEST heart. Seriously Tierra, I would be scared too. An enlarged heart is a serious medical condition! Tierra tells Sean her sob story about her loser druggie ex-boyfriend. He was *like*, her best friend for *like* 13 years, except for *like* the 13 years he was an intravenous drug user. In all seriousness, addiction is very very sad and tragic. But…my friends and I collectively laughed at the prospect of Sean bringing Tierra home to meet his seemingly picture perfect family. I’m sure they can majorly relate to heroine use. Crazy wins again. Teirra gets the tiara rose and in creeps her evil laugh:

Tierra (1)

But I guess that’s better than her normal look:

tierra cry

Fireworks explode in the sky. For those who have read the Hunger Games (or seen the movie) it reminded me of when they announce the dead tributes. One more girl gone! May the odds ever be in your favor, Tierra. Seriously Jackie – you are beautiful. Way too good for this nonsense!

Cocktail Party (actually it should be plural. There are multiple cocktails)

At the cocktail party, Des tells Sean she needs a little more affirmation. Sean ends up getting frustrated. Apparently Tierra is the only one who is allowed to be insecure. Meanwhile, the cameras turn to Tierra, who laments “another rose ceremony? Please. I just wanna (sic) punch everyone in the room.” Oh Tierra – you are such a sweet girl! Robyn decides to confront Tierra about her wild mood swings. Tierra is once again like “SO OVER THIS.” And if she wants to get engaged, she can get engaged. Sean witnesses Tierra acting completely like herself screaming at Robyn. Des properly sums it up: she needs a Xanax and she needs to be sent home. Can I get an Amen? But he still just does not see what the other girls see! Sean, you might need to get your eyes and ears checked. Go when Tierra gets her big heart checked. Tierra reassures Sean that she is “such a nice girl.” Denial… it’s a deep river.

Robyn gets sent to the dreaded limo and is grilled by the ABC psychotherapist until she breaks.

Tonight there is ANOTHER episode. I won’t be able to watch until tomorrow but another post will be up Thursday or Friday!

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The Bachelor: US edition

As Bachelor Sean embarks on his world-wide quest to find love (do you think he’s really just hoping to run into some better prospects on the road??) I thought it would be fun to suggest places in the US where the Bachelor should visit. This list has all the essentials for the Bachelor: alcohol, bikinis, sun, beaches and drama.

1. Up North, Wisconsin.

That might seem like a broad area but it could be anywhere in the Northwoods. It’s GORGEOUS there! Here’s the view from my parent’s pier. I’m sure they’d LOVE to host the Bachelor.

up north

Up North would be great for the Bach. Plenty of things to do that involve bikinis and drinking! In fact, if you go in the summer that’s pretty much how you’ll spend your days. It’s glorious. Unfortunately there won’t be many hot tubs.

2. Glen Arbor, Michigan.

One of my favorite places to visit. Every time I go, I am amazed at the beauty of the white sand dunes against the glimmering blue water of Lake Michigan. In fact, in 2011, Good Morning America named this area (Sleeping Bear Dunes and Pierce Stocking Drive) as the most beautiful place in America. Need proof? Here’s my shot:

pierce stocking drive

This place is great for the Bach because there are plenty of outdoor activities to do, like hiking the dunes, picnicking on the beach, passing out at touring the numerous wineries, and wearing bikinis!

3. Twin Cities!!

Shout out to where I live! Lonely Planet named the Twin Cities a top-ten US travel destination for 2013. Is it because we get to experience this on an all too often basis?

snow

Or is it because it looks like THIS in the summer?

target field

Land of 10,000 lakes is the perfect place to find love (well in the summer – it’s not sexy wearing long-underwear and hairy legs). But in the summer it’s h-0-double-t. Put on your swimsuits ladies and hit up some beach volleyball at Lake Calhoun. Cool off at the Summit Brewery tour. This place has all the makings of true love.

4. Bar Harbor, Maine

This town is quintessential cuteness! Plus, if you say it with a Boston accent, Bahhh Habaahh, it’s more fun! I can definitely see some ABC planned thoughtful dates such as lobster fishing, a group bike ride through Acadia National Park (Tierra would undoubtedly need fake medical attention), and a cozy dinner at a B&B (somehow Tierra would ruin that too).

bar harbor

As a bonus, imagine all the punny things Chris Harrison could write on the date cards! Here’s to finding your “maine” squeeze. This is the “maine” date. Set the bar in Bar Harbor.

5. Key West, Florida

Ahhh Key West. It’s like your life is just one giant Jimmy Buffett song when you’re down in that one particular harbor (get it?!) Date card option: Wasted Away in Margaritaville. PERFECT! Or how about this one? Life’s a drag (girls participate in one of the famous Key West drag shows!) Or, “Let’s take our relationship to the Southern Most Point.” How about jet skiing on the ocean (been there- done that – amazingness) “let’s jet.” Key West has the Bachelor written all over it. Swimsuits, umbrella drinks that you can purchase right on the street, beaches, drag queens, and the biggest sunset watching party in the US. What’s more romantic than a sunset? Actually, I have an answer for that! A sunset that doesn’t involve the Bachelor!

keywest

6. Savannah, Georgia

Savannah has the makings of every epic love story. Mystery, intrigue, history, wealth, greed, and spanish moss. Another destination with an open container law! Imagine the dates in Savannah – romantic carriage rides through the historic town squares, trip to the beach on Tybee Island, group ghost tours through haunted mansions, haunted squares, and haunted cemeteries, cooking lessons from Paula Dean, and pictures with the Forest Gump bench!

savannah

So much Southern charm, it’d be hard NOT to fall in love for the night for life.

Where do YOU think the Bachelor should visit?

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I Can’t Be Tortured Like This

Something weird is going on. Something fishy. The start of episode four did not begin with SSS (Sean shirtless and sweating). Come on ABC! If we can’t see Sean’s abs, how will we know he’s serious about this journey? If Sean doesn’t run alone on the beach, how will we know he’s going to find love at the end of that staged intense run? It seems all of the editing this week was slightly different. Like, what was up with those ridiculous light-rock songs that kept popping up during the episode? With those tunes, I felt like I was in the produce section at the grocery store trying to decide between romaine and spinach.

Chris Harrison starts off the episode at the STD factory mansion by announcing that Sean sees his wife in this room. Wow. you can cue the groans early. I’m sorry Sean – I think all the fake tanner is getting to your head.

The shot changes to Sean talking about the week ahead. Our faith in the journey is restored! Sean is shirtless! (Although not sweaty). Instead ABC gives us a lovely shot of Sean in his boxer-briefs as he prepares for his first date.

First one-on-one date: Selma – Let’s Turn Up the Heat

I was excited for Selma to go on a date with Sean because I thought she seemed sweet and is very pretty. But my opinion of Selma decreased rapidly. I don’t know what is with this season but everyone reminds me of a celebrity! In this case, Selma reminds me of her name-same Selma Hayek.

Here is bachelor Selma:

selma

Here is celebrity Selma:

?????????????????????

The other thing they have in common? Their ta-tas are giant and seem to hang out everywhere! Sean is sooooo thoughtful and picks up Selma for prom the date in a limo. Selma asks Sean if he can handle all 110 pounds of “this” (“this” meaning her 60 lb boobs and 70 lb frame). Seriously Selma? Is announcing to the world that you need to gain 20 pounds necessary? The limo leads to a private plane and Selma asks if every date will be like this. Umm no Selma because you aren’t entering into a relationship with ABC when the show concludes. I feel the need to type in shouty caps. WHY DO ALL THESE GIRLS THINK SEAN IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE DATES? News flash, if Sean is planning a date it probably involves a trip to the local Snap Fitness and a protein shake.

Moving on (which is exactly what I think Sean should do). Sean and Selma fly to a desert where Selma asks why Sean would bring an Iraqi to the desert. Instantly Selma starts complaining. She doesn’t do well in heat, she doesn’t like athletic things, she doesn’t like blondes (later she explains the blonde comment was just the heat talking). Sean tells Selma he has a giant rock for her. Selma’s eyes light up as she envisions her 3 carat Neil Lane glittering on her bony polished finger. But Sean had a different rock in mind… a rock that can’t accommodate Selma’s normal 6-inch heels. Question Selma – are you a stripper? Why are your heels 6-inches? Selma manages (pretty well actually) to rock climb up the mountain with minimal complaints.

After, Sean takes Selma to a trailer-park, which, for some reason, they both think is romantic. Trailers and romance usually don’t go hand in hand for me (I say usually because it could be romantic if say Patrick Swayze circa Dirty Dancing era took me to the trailer park. Sigh.) We learn that Selma was born a Muslim in Iraq,and has very strict parents. Sean is bummed he doesn’t get to gross Selma out with his terrible kissing. Rose for Selma and her twins.

Group Date

Sean takes his strangers girlfriends to participate in a roller derby. Because the ABC producers are completely and utterly shameless, they include Sarah on the group date. Since Sarah is missing an arm, her balance is completely off. Mean Bachelor, mean. The roller-derby date looks about as fun as sticking needles in my eyes. Most of the girls can’t even stand up except for Amanda, who is like ah-maz-ing. So amazing in fact that Amanda kept her chin up, ignored all the other girls’ criticism and took it on the chin. Literally. She took in on the chin as she fell chin first into the rink. Amanda’s face broke because it’s potentially made of stone. Amanda was raced off to the ER to deal with her chin-jury and hopefully her attitude. I’m not sure the ER can provide people with new souls though.

After the failed fun roller derby, Sean and his ladies head to a party to get wasted explore their relationships further. That is until the plague known as “Tierrible” struck. Poor Tierra and her insanely arched eye brows just “can’t be tortured like this!” (Tierra says this is torture three times – actually Tierra, torture includes waterboarding, solitary confinement, sleep deprivation, restraints, etc. I don’t believe competing on the Bachelor is a banned form of torture recognized by the UN Convention Against Torture). But seriously guys, she cannot take it! She CANNOT compete with these other girls. She is DONE! She is Done. With. This! She can’t take the fakeness anymore!!!! Tierra lays on the crocodile tears and demands to leave the show. Oddly enough, Tierrible’s tears turn into a smirk as she tells Sean this is too hard. Rose for princess Tierra.

That leads me to things that I normally find totally annoying but are currently less annoying than Tierra:

  • people who step on the back of your shoe
  • slow internet service
  • Taylor Swift’s whiny break-up songs
  • airport security lines
  • paper cuts
  • adult acne
  • leaving a red sock in a load of whites
  • drivers who don’t use a turn signals
  • the Bachelor
  • people saying Sean plans these dates
  • Illinois drivers
  • mosquitoes
  • when people call me Katie (ok, that will ALWAYS be most annoying)
  • Second one-on-one date: Nothing says romance like a prostitute

    Ahh yes, the Pretty Woman date. Classic. Leslie H. is thrilled to go on the pretty woman date. Leslie H. says numerous times that she feels just like she’s in the movie. I always love when my date makes me feel like a hooker! Don’t you? (And also, Sean’s no Richard Gere, come on now). But seriously, why do they insist on doing this date. It’s wrong for so many reasons. It’s awkward shopping with men because they HATE IT. It’s also awkward to try on clothes for men…especially on your only first date. Despite Sean telling us 10000 times that this is a romantic date, this is pretty much the opposite of romance. Neil Lane on my date does not equal romance. A giant empty building? Not romantic. Trying to conceal Spanx while trying on dresses for Sean? Not romantic. Ultimately Sean decides this date lacks the Selma-heat and sends Leslie home in a mini-van. Ouch. That’s not how Pretty Woman ended. It’s back to Rodeo Drive for Leslie to try her luck with the next John. Sean goes back inside to enjoy a private concert alone (PS – totally loved that song the band was playing!)

    At the rose ceremony we endured a cringe-worthy scene of Robyn asking Sean if he wants to taste the chocolate. I had to cover my eyes again and watch through my fingers. I still have PTSD from last week’s debacle with Leslie’s badonkadonk nearly showing during the worst longest kiss ever. In the end, Amanda and the worst lip-stick color choice in Bachelor history were sent packing. Goodbye Amanda. You frighten me.

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    I Want You to Act Like Kacie, Not Like This Crazy Person That I’m Seeing

    It’s week three at the mansion with the freshly washed driveway (side-note – seriously, why is the driveway always wet? Does someone throw up on it every episode? Likely. Is it wet from the tears of desperate hopeful women? It is covered in copious amounts of endlessly flowing alcohol? Can someone please tell me why?!?) Anyway, I digress. The episode starts in a predictable fashion: Sean shirtless and sweating (we’ll call this SSS from now on).

    First one-on-one date: Kiss me you fool

    Little Miss DC gets the first date (Lesley). I’m immediately struck by two things: First, Les (not to be confused with Des) has amazing hair. I mean really, sign that girl up for some Tressemme commercials! Ooo, la la. Second, Les is a political consultant. I’m young so I don’t want to bash other young people, but who exactly is Lesley advising? Is she responsible for Romney’s failed campaign? Doubtful, but after watching this “date,” I fear I must offer Lesley some advice. Lesley, do not, under any circumstances, borrow your 6th grade sister’s dress. It’s just going to be too short on you. Poor Lesley picked out a dress that would have been really cute if it were just 6 inches longer. To make matters worse, Sean takes Lesley on a date to set the Guinness World Record for longest on-screen kiss. The Almighty Chris Harrison appears to look up Lesley’s dress instruct the love-birds (side-note – why does Chris Harrison keep appearing on dates?That’s new! Apparently his traditional one line “this is the final rose of the evening,” is not stimulating enough.) Lesley and Sean are instructed to stand on a platform, surrounded by bachelor cast rejects tourists and kiss for more than 3 minutes and 15 seconds. If their lips separate, the record WILL NOT BE BROKEN. Gee, what a shame that would be! What happened next kept me awake last night. Like a child, I covered my hand over my face and watched through my fingers as poor Lesley’s juicy-double almost got exposed to the entire world (her poor father). Someone. Pull. Down. Her. Dress. Instead, it crept further and further up and Sean’s lips creeped me further and further out. Sean and Lesley literally just pressed their lips against each other for the entire 3 minutes and 16 seconds. That is NOT kissing (although later, as Sean jammed his tongue down his multiple prospective wives’ throats, I appreciated the weird lip-pressing kiss). Sean, a little advice for you- perhaps you should have taken Arie’s kissing advice more seriously. Nevertheless, Lesley decides fame is worth the disgust she likes Sean’s kissing and declares that “today has been the greatest day of my life.” Oh Lesley, that makes me really sad for your life.

    Group Date: Set, Bump, Spike, and Cry
    At first, the girls were majorly excited about this date because they would get to set their nail polish, bump their hair and don their favorite pairs of spiked heels. Unfortunately, Sean had a different vision for set, bump, and spike. The 12 lucky ladies hit the beach to vie for Sean’s attention in the form of neon bikinis and a painful game of beach volleyball. Once again, the Almighty Chris Harrison shows up on the date to drool over the girls in their itsy-bitsy teenie-weenie bikinis explain that only the winning team will spend the evening with Sean. All the girls look identical in their Little Ricky sized swimsuits (Ricky as in Emily’s Ricky). Sean begins to majorly regret beach volleyball after he realizes none of the girls can return the ball – like at all. Kristy starts to get upset and asks if the photo shoot is over. Kacie B declares that she is totally winning this game because it’s the most important one she’s ever had to play. Amanda wonders how long she has to pretend to look happy before she can return to selective mutism. The blue team eventually prevails and the red team is sent home sobbing. Seriously. Sobbing. I can only assume they were crying for the following reasons 1)they were drunk 2)there was sand in uncomfortable places 3)someone stole their clothes (ehhhh hemmm, Chris Harrison?) and made them ride home on the bus in their bikinis.

    Meanwhile, back at Sean’s abode, Sean makes the rounds shoving his tongue in the mouths of the 6 members of the blue team. Kacie B comes up with her most frantic brilliant idea yet. She decides to pull Sean aside and tell him she’s in the middle of some terrible drama between Des and Amanda. Maybe Kacie was the product of bad editing, but the whole exchange left you worried Kacie was one step away from boiling a bunny (Fatal Attraction, anyone?) Sean is clearly annoyed and says, “I want you to act like Kacie, not like this crazy person that I’m seeing.” Kacie, please see the second definition of the word “backfire.”

    Second one-on-one date: Your Love is like a Rollercoaster baby, baby, I wanna ride. Cue the Red Hot Chili Peppers:
    Anyway, Sean picks up AshLee for her date, but not before Tierra falls down the stairs. Luckily Teirra’s lip gloss remained firmly in place during the ordeal. The only casualty was one false eye lash and an acrylic nail. Anyway, Sean picks up AshLee (whose hair also looked amazing – It was the beachy-bride look). Sean told AshLee to wear her shortest dress because Harrison was going to try to get panty-shots during the rollercoaster rides. And I mean really, why wouldn’t you wear a short dress to ride coasters? Also accompanying Ashean (AshLee + Sean = Ashean) were two chronically-ill best friends. Sean was surprisingly very sweet with the girls and managed to have a bit of personality. On a less serious note, Sean was wearing shorts and I’m fairly certain he shaves his legs. Cue the groans.

    Rose Ceremony: Wetsuits repel tears.

    Kacie B undoubtedly knows it’s time for her to hit the road jack (and seriously Kacie, don’t you come back no more no more no more no more). She plans accordingly and shows up in her wetsuit dress, obviously to repel the tears. Sean takes Kacie outside to tell her that he knows they had a deal to let her make it to the top three so she could be the next Bachelorette but he JUST. CAN’T. TAKE. IT. Kacie B was given a hefty dose of Xanax prior to the ceremony to ensure she didn’t have another epic limo breakdown. Please recall:

    Next week it appears Tierra suffers PTSD from her fall down the stairs.

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