Category Archives: TV

You’re Not Going to Get Hurt, You’re Beautiful

A mere two weeks ago, I looked at my television screen, unable to recognize some of the contestants still vying for Ben’s affection.  And now, here we are, with only four women remaining, eager to reintroduce themselves to their families as the future Mrs. Higgins.  I’d be willing to bet my life that none of the women remaining can name the literary reference.

First Hometown: Amanda 

Ben heads to Laguna Beach in hopes of spotting LC, Kristen, Steven and Talan to meet Amanda’s two babies. Ben finds Amanda frolicking on the beach in some shorts she borrowed from her two year old daughter, and a shirt (a word I use in the loosest way possible) that is missing essential elements such as a back, support, structure, and straps. The shirt threatens to expose her womanhood with every step she takes towards Ben.  The ABC staff is on standby with double-sided tape and a black box.  Right as I’m about to be horrified by Amanda’s shirt with wings, I see Ben’s shorts (?) that look like they were pasted on.  Boxer-briefs are so the new shorts.

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photo source

As the photo illustrates, the absurd outfits extended to the toddlers too.  Gladiator sandals at the beach, on babies = totally practical.

The family of four spend the day idyllically running around on the beach.  But, like all good things, they must come to an end.  And they come to an end quickly during the car ride home.  The ABC producers sit in the back of car with the two little girls and pepper them with questions about their dad’s lack of involvement and their mother’s failed marriage.  As the girls cry the duration of the car ride home, Amanda looks like she needs a Xanax.  She secretly curses the girls for acting their age as she tries to secure them a new daddy.  Ben reminds himself over and over again that next week is the fantasy suite date.  He can do this.

Back at Amanda’s house, Ben meets Amanda’s parents and sister.  Amanda ditches the littlest one in her crib as soon as possible.  Ben wonders if it’s acceptable to have a beer. Amanda’s fam asks Ben the expected questions, like can you be a dad, blah blah blah.  They are all very nice people.  And the answer is no, Ben is not ready for this.

To end the hometown date, ABC exploits the situation just a tad more by making Ben read a fairytale to the children about his relationship with their mother.  Way to secure these children therapy for the next 25 years.

Second Hometown Date: Lauren

Ben travels to Portland next to visit Lauren B.  Ben, as an aspiring hipster, is thrilled with the opportunity to visit such a hip city.  Lauren does everything right: she takes him to the trendy part of town where they gorge on food truck delectables, including grilled cheese, which Lauren B pretends is a regular part of her diet; they hit up the coziest, coolest whiskey library (which Lauren improperly pronounces as “libary” like one of Amanda’s children); and last but not least, Lauren’s date does not include any screaming children.  Lauren is winning.

When they are appropriately boozed up, Lauren and Ben head to Lauren’s house to meet her father-clone, mother, sister, two little brothers, and 18 year old dog (adorable).  They look like they just stepped out of a Vineyard Vine’s photo-shoot.    Lauren’s family calls her LoLo. Just leaving that out there.

LoLo’s sister takes the first opportunity to nab Ben and grill him about their relationship.

  • LoLo’s sister: LoLo is smart, beautiful, funny, hardworking, super skinny, bottled blonde, etc.  A million guys could easily fall in love with her.  Why do you think she’s so special?
  • Ben: Um.  For all the reasons you just said?
  • LoLo’s sister: Um hm.
  • Ben: I don’t know.  [starts crying].

LoLo’s sister wants to hear straight from the horse’s mouth, what said horse is thinking.  And no I’m not calling Lauren a horse.  It was a cliche gone wrong.  LoLo tells sister, “I feel like Ben is my person.” Dear god, LoLo, please refrain from quoting Gray’s Anatomy.  K, thanks.

Dad tells Lauren, “I don’t want my baby LoLo hurt.”  I throw up a little in my mouth.

Third Hometown Date: Caila 

Ben meets Caila in her current hometown, Hudson, Ohio.  It’s a slice of sweet midwestern charm.  Caila takes Ben to a swinging bench to make out and fulfill her high school wishes. Ben happily obliges.

When Caila’s lips get chapped, she takes Ben to her father’s toy company where they design their own house.  When the designing is done, they actually build the house in the factory.  It’s adorable.  Also, Caila, free legal advice: make sure you get a prenup.  As Ben carries Caila out of the factory, Caila says she knows Ben is the one.  She knows she is going to marry Ben.  Hope you just knocked on wood, girlfriend.

Back at home, Ben meets Caila’s adorable mother (you rock those braces, momma!), CEO dad, and younger brother.  They are such a sweet family.  Also, I would kill for homemade Filipino food.

Caila’s mom steals Ben away to get to know him.  I can’t get over her youthful glow.  She has no wrinkles.  Ben should definitely procreate with Caila–their children will be beautiful! Meanwhile, Caila tearfully tells her dad that she knows, “this is it.”  Caila’s dad tries to stifle his laughter.  “Sweety,” he says in a tone which translates to get a grip, you are better than this.  Caila tells her dad we all make mistakes, just like you and those orange pants.

Caila’s mom has a totally different reaction to the news of Caila’s recently discovered love.  She instructs Caila to jump on Ben and tell him how you feel.  Like all the ladies before, Caila chickens out and can’t get the words, “I love you,” out of her mouth.

Fourth Hometown Date: JoJo

The first three days were so normal. ABC had to do something to spruce up this episode with the last hometown date.  They pull out all the stops – a reconsidering, desperate ex-boyfriend, drunk possessive brothers who verbally abuse Ben, and a mom who drinks straight from the bottle.  Let’s dive right in.

In Dallas, JoJo arrives at her apartment to find flowers outside her door.  Aw, she muses, my sweet Ben is so thoughtful!  She starts reading the accompanying love-letter, feeling her love for Ben grow.  The note references the fact that JoJo has been gone for 39 days.

Wait. Hit the breaks. These people have only been on this show for 39 days and yet, YET, they are actually contemplating MARRIAGE.  Pump. The. Breaks. Someone. PLEASE.

It takes JoJo reading at least half the letter before she realizes it is from the evil Stephano (Legally Blonde anyone?), I mean Chad.  JoJo recoils in horror, “no!”  But yes, JoJo.  This is all part of ABC’s plan.  They get JoJo right where they want her- crying, emotional and dialing her ex Chad.   Chad keeps up his end of the bargain, answers her call, and pretends to be interested in her.  It’s the easiest $500 Chad has ever made.

JoJo fanatically hangs up the ABC iPhone when Ben pulls up to her house.  At first Ben thinks JoJo is crying at the sight of him, but soon realizes that makes no sense.  JoJo fills Ben in on the drama.  Ben looks annoyed.  JoJo pretends like she’s done with Chad.  10 bucks says Chad and JoJo are back together at this very moment.

As though this drama wasn’t enough, ABC has agreed to pay JoJo’s brothers to treat Ben like total dirt.  Bring it on!

Ben and JoJo roll up to JoJo’s mansion, which I assume JoJo’s mom’s botched plastic surgery medical malpractice suit paid for.

Ok. Guys.  What in the world. JoJo’s brother Matt basically tries to make out with JoJo upon her entrance into the house.  She can’t get him off of her.  It’s really bizarre and creepy.  JoJo’s other brother, Ben, is her step-brother, and appeared on his own dating reality tv show “Ready for Love,” not that I watched the entire canceled show or anything. He also appears to be in love with JoJo.

JoJo and her mom retreat to one of the 22 bedrooms to have a conversation about JoJo’s feelings for Ben.  It becomes very obvious that the mom has no idea what this show is about, how it works, or how to register emotions properly anymore. JoJo tells her mom she’s falling in love with Ben.  “I just don’t want to get hurt,” says JoJo. Mom replies, “you’re not going to get hurt, you’re beautiful!”  Let’s take a moment and dissect that.  In the legal world, we call that a non-sequitor.  It does not follow, lady.  “But mom, there are three other girls involved.”  Oh, says mom, completely clueless.

Before I can even say Chris Harrison, the whole family unravels and I feel like I’m watching a scene from the Godfather.

Brother Ben walks into the kitchen and accuses Bachelor Ben of brainwashing the women. Apparently JoJo is incapable of thinking or feeling for herself?  There is no way she can have any emotional investment in Ben unless he brainwashed her? But no sooner can I answer these pressing questions when mom picks up a champagne bottle and DRINKS STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE.

That actually happened.

Dad leans over to Mom and gently reminds her the cameras are rolling and they have plenty of available expensive stemware.

Brother Matt accuses Ben of coached answers and basically calls him a phony.  Is this dude for real?  The mom tries to defend Ben by saying JoJo has been holding back, and Matt tells his mother, “you need to take a step back.”  To your own mother??  Apparently no women in the house are allowed to have opinions.

And yet, JoJo stays.  I assume it’s because of her red dress and sparkly earrings (which I must have).  At the rose ceremony in LA, Ben sends home pint-sized mom, Amanda.  I feel for her – she handles the rejection like the sweet lady she is.  I have no doubt that Amanda will do alright in this world.  But why keep JoJo??! What do you guys think?  Was anyone else disturbed by JoJo’s bros? Are they in love with her?  Were they drunk?  Did they just want to have a little fun?  Is Chad in on this!?

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Like a Virgin

Basically, I stink.  Worst blogger in the history of bloggers.  I’m so sorry for my major major delay AGAIN in posting.  I was still dealing with some personal things that precluded me from doing a recap of the overnight dates.  Oh and also, my hand is too sore to type from having to haul this new thing around:

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That’s right.  I’ve accepted the final rose!  Now let’s start analyzing who might accept the Farmer’s final rose…

ABC has finally decided to spend a little money and take the remaining three women and Farmer, to Bali.  Megan is somewhere shaking her head that she’s not going to get a second stamp in her passport.  Farmer says that if he’s going to pop a Neil Lane on someone’s finger at the end of this journey, then he needs to make sure they are down for a little somethin’ somethin’ in the bedroom.  He uses the term “intimacy,” but we all know that translates to “somethin’ somethin’.”  Basically, Farmer is going for three for three.

One on One: Kaitlyn 

Kaitlyn gets to go first (lucky lady – how would you like to go third?  Ick.).  For the date, Kaitlyn picks out a pair of light pink shorts she borrowed from her 13-year-old sister.  She wraps her legs around Farmer when she greets him and we are moments away from needing a Jillian privacy box.  The two of them head into a sacred temple, where they aren’t allowed to kiss, and where multiple sarongs need to be wrapped round Kaitlyn, since she essentially left the hotel in her underwear.

They spend the rest of the date talking to locals, walking through the streets and letting monkeys crawl on top of Farmer’s head. At dinner, Kailtyn says she is going to let her guard down tonight.  Farmer is totally stoked.  He hands her the card, which still reads: “Welcome to the magical island of Bali.  I hope you are enjoying your stay.  Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.”  How weird is it that they still use the word fantasy?  Ew.  That grosses me out.  They both agree they “deserve,” this and head off to the fantasy suite, which includes a bath of rose petals.   She tells him she is falling in love with him and he says he’s falling in love with her.  Wowza!  Really?  Farmer, I don’t think you’re supposed to say that!

One on One: Whitney 

Farmer must like Whit a little more than Kaitlyn because he takes her on a beautiful boat ride with champagne.  Whit dwells on her hometown date and basically tells Farmer she hopes her sister didn’t ruin her chances of marriage.  Farmer tells Whit he respects her sister’s position but it doesn’t change anything.  He in confident when the time is right, sister will give Farmer her blessing.  They jump into the ocean, which looks cold and tumultuous, and talk about metaphors related to jumping and love.

At dinner, Farmer talks about Arlington and whether Whit could actually move there.  Whit tells Farmer that she would probably never choose to move to the middle of nowhere BUT she always felt like something was missing and wants marriage and children to complete her.  She says babies will be her career.  Well, babies are kind of all ready your career Whit…

Whit feels confident enough to move to Arlington and also to forgo her individual room key.  Luckily, ABC puts them in a clean room.

One on One: Becca 

Becca decides to wear really weird black rain repellant gym shorts on this date.  I don’t know why.  When in Bali. She knows today is the day she has to finally tell Farmer that she’s a virgin.  Meanwhile, Farmer is contemplating that he’s about to go three for three. Farmer and Becca explore the Bali countryside and make out in a river.  They meet with some Bali guru who gives Becca advice to make love tonight.  Becca literally has sweat beads pouring off her face.  Ten bucks says the guru works for ABC.

Becca and Farmer talk about Arlington and how small it is.  Becca says there’s no way in heck she’s moving to Arlington unless she’s really sure about Farmer.  She says she’s still sorting through her feelings for Farmer.  Honesty is not going to get you to the end Becca.  If you want to win this thing, then you tell him Arlington is everything you’ve ever dreamed of.  You can’t wait to sport the Iowa hairdo.

Farmer says it’s time to get to know each other on a “whole new level.”  Uh oh. Sorry Farmer, you will not gain carnal knowledge of Becca tonight.  Becca agrees to spend the night in the fantasy suite nicer hotel room than her own and break the news to Farmer.  She takes so long to tell him, I start to wonder if he is worried about her anatomy.  Finally she gets it out.  The V word.  Chris lets out a big sigh.  He was so close to winning 100 bucks from Harrison.  Farmer stumbles over his words and says it’s not easy to respond but that he respects that.  Then they make out.

Rose Ceremony 

In the morning, Farmer is confused.  How will he know if Becca is marriage material without knowing her intimately?  Also, she doesn’t want to move to Arlington.  Like, sup with that?

The girls are all dressed in their finest Bali-wear.  Farmer wears a karate uniform. Farmer does not know what to do and pulls Becca aside.  Kaitlyn and Whit start prematurely celebrating their impending move to Arlington.  Not so fast (Kaitlyn!).

They chit chat about Arlington more and Farmer tells Becca he really cares about her and is just trying to make a good decision.  Farmer brings Becca back to the rose ceremony.  Kaitlyn’s eyes bug out upon seeing Becca and she whispers an “oh shoot” under her breath.  And for good reason.  Whit is mad too. She says about Becca, “She’s young.  She lacks life experience and she’s not ready.”  Someone sounds threatened.

Becca and Whit are going home to Iowa.  Kaitlyn is taking the lonely plane ride back to Canada. Whit has a smug mug on when she sees Kaitlyn get rejected.  How are these the final two?  Boring and even more boring.

When Farmer says goodbye to Kaitlyn, she refuses to look him in the eyes.  As Farmer hugs her, we can hear his pounding heart.  I hope they have an ABC medic near; that is a racing heart!  She replays the fantasy date night in her head and definitely wishes she was a virgin in this moment.  A rooster crows in the middle of Chris’ explanation, which consisted of a series of “I don’t knows.”  Another rooster crows, signaling it’s time for Kaitlyn to get in the rejection van.

Farmer is left contemplating his fate with the sweatiest arm pits I’ve ever seen.  Someone get this man a towel. And a new shirt.

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Mom, Don’t Google my Wife

Five hours.  I spent five hours of my life watching last week’s episodes of the Bachelor.  And then one of my sisters hadn’t seen some of the show so I watched three more hours for a second time.   The word you’re looking for to describe me is “pathetic.”

But, faithful readers, I have a slight issue.  I just don’t think I can fully recap five hours worth of TV before the next episode airs tonight.  You see, I’ve had a busy busy week.  Life got in the way and I simply ran out of time.  And I might have bronchitis.  Or maybe I just had a little too grand of a time in New Orleans last week.  Either way, I  left New Orleans with 137 pounds of beads, a wicked cold, half my lung function, and a very squished King Cake.

So let’s talk as quickly as I can about the five hours of your life you’ll never get back.

Hour One: The Interviews 

Black Widow is still half a bubble off plumb.  I read an interview with Kardashley and Kardashley said Black Widow told her the following:

I didn’t get the autopsy back for two months, so for two months I was worried that I fed him something wrong.

You guys.  Come on.  I am more convinced than ever that Kelsey will end up on Dateline one of these days.

Farmer said nothing interesting in his interview.

Andi came on to sob on camera about her heartbreak over Josh.  I was totally focused on Andi’s face – did anyone else think it looked like it was made of plastic?  Botox?  It didn’t move!  Do you guys think she’s trying to make a second run at the Bachelorette?

Hours Two and Three: Deadwood to Dead Iowa

When the show resumed, the group was still in Deadwood (if you recall, Farmer had just left Black Widow and Kardashley in the Badlands).  Farmer isn’t done dumping women quite yet though.  He returns to the remaining women and sends Megan home.  Probably a good idea.  I hope she has her passport.

Farmer tells the girls that he wants to take them to a place near and dear to his heart: Iowa.  The girls all hoot and holler.  If I were on this show I’d be like wait, really?  We are leaving South Dakota and headed to Iowa?  How did I end up on the season where the exotic dates take place in Des Moines?  Where are the trips to Thailand?  And Lake Louise?

Jade gets the first one on one date and heads to Arlington, Farmer’s home town.  He thinks Jade will fit in well there because she’s from a small Nebraska town and has those wholesome small town values.  Like getting naked for Playboy.  Jade gets a tour of deserted Arlington, sees Farmer’s Bachelor pad (it’s a nice Bachelor pad, at least) and then attends the local high school football game.  Then she gets a tour of Farmer’s high school because, well, it’s Arlington and there’s nothing left to see.

Whit Whit gets the second one-on-one date.  The two of them traipse around Des Moines taking pictures of each other.  And that’s all that happens.  Whitney gets to meet Farmer’s three best friends and they all seem to have a grand time.  And this is why watching peoples every day lives is completely boring.  Nothing about this date was exciting but it was completely normal.  Guess what ABC, normal does not make ratings.  Bring back Black Widow!

Meanwhile, back at the Des Moines Holiday Inn, Carly, Britt, Becca and Kaitlyn are all discussing Arlington.  Then the ABC producers suggest it occurs to one of them that they should rent a car and drive to Arlington. ” Like, we’ll all go.  Road trip!”  Name the movie!

The girls cruise down I-80, stopping to take pictures at the Worlds Largest Truck Stop and giggle and scream when they see the sign marking the spot for Arlington.  But then they realize the sign WAS Arlington.  They blow through “downtown” and suddenly realize that the abandoned filling station WAS downtown.  Britt can’t even.  They find the local pastor, who happens to be on his front porch shucking corn and singing hymns and ask him where they can drink tequila around these parts.  Pastor tells him they have to drive beyond the corn rows to find tequila, dinner, and movies.  I’m half expecting Professor Harold Hill to appear with a suitcase full of musical instruments.

Alas, the girls return to the big city and Britt suddenly had a change of heart.  She CAN live in Arlington because she’s seen the sun set there.  And since the sun sets in Arlington, it can’t be that bad.  Carly is not having any of this.  She thinks Britt is fake and she’s had enough – she plans to tell Farmer as soon as she can.  Meanwhile, Jade pulls Carly aside to confide about her nude modeling past and asks if Carly thinks Farmer will be into that.  Carly’s eyebrows, although permanently surprised looking, manage to become more arched.  Carly tells the camera, “hey mom, don’t google my wife!”

Later, Britt, Carly and Kaitlyn head to a rink to play some hockey.  Carly takes this opportunity to tell Farmer that Britt is a big fat phony and that just because she’s pretty doesn’t mean she should always get her way.  Farmer is stunned to learn that Britt didn’t LOVE Arlington because 10 seconds ago Britt was just raving to Farmer about how she could totally picture herself chasing her children through the corn fields and rocking on the front porch each night.

Kaitlyn gets the group date rose and Britt starts to unravel.  She legit loses it.  In front of Carly, and rose-receiver Kaitlyn, Britt basically says to Farmer why the BEEP would you give the rose to that chick when I’m sitting right here. Then she pretty much says, no offense Kaitlyn, but really, like I’m here and I’m obviously like way prettier than you and like, Farmer always gives me the rose.  Why would you validate her feelings and not mine?  I. AM. THE. ONLY. ONE. WHO. MATTERS.

Hours Four and Five: Dead Iowa to Hometown Dates

Yes, seriously.  Hours four and five.  Why did we do this to ourselves?  Amazingly enough, my boyfriend sat through the entire FIVE HOURS because he couldn’t really make a scene about it in front of my sister. Ha!

Becca receives the last one on one date in Des Moines.  It’s boring.  Like her.  But I like her yellow shirt!  Next!

At the hotel, Britt tells the girls she is going to send herself home.  She just can’t be with someone who doesn’t validate her and gives roses to Kaitlyn over herself.  Carly rolls her eyes, sighs and questions Britt.  Britt says there’s probably nothing Farmer can say to get her to stay.  Kaitlyn says Britt probably wants to see if Farmer will fight for her, otherwise she’s leaving first.

It’s time for the cocktail party except right when the girls are ready to get their drink on the Almighty Chris pops in to say Farmer knows what he wants to do and thus a cocktail party is not necessary.  Britt starts to panic.  She was going to tell Farmer she was leaving during the drink hour!  As soon as Farmer appears with the roses she pulls him aside and reiterates her love for the farm life.  Farmer isn’t buying it and tells her basically he knows she’s faking it.  And he doesn’t want a wife like this. Britt cries pretty tears in the driveway while Carly gleefully tells the camera that this is what happens to normal girls.  And then Carly is sent home.

It’s time for hometown dates!  Becca is up first. Farmer goes to visit her perfect little family in Louisiana.  Boring day.  Becca is a virgin blah blah blah.

Next, Farmer heads to Chicago to visit Whitney’s family.  Whitney tries to test Farmer’s little swimmers.  She takes him to a room where he can make his deposit.  As he sits down to sift through the pile of Playboys he’s stunned when he sees Jade!  Whitney reassures Farmer that she’s never once posed nude and is safe to google.  Farmer asks Whitney’s sister for permission to marry Whitney and sister basically says eh I don’t think so.  Whitney is crushed but Farmer doesn’t seem too fazed.  Anyone else notice he didn’t seek permission from any of the other girls’ families?

Farmer goes to visit the Canadian next in Phoenix, because, as I said, this season is the USA version and there is simply no international traveling.  Canadian makes Farmer rap, which I’m totally over.  Blah blah blah.  Boring.

And finally, Farmer heads to nowhere Nebraska to visit wholesome Jade.  Jade is proud that her town is 10 times bigger than Arlington.  Jades’s brothers call her a wild mustang and Jade’s dad tells Farmer Jade is totally out of control and he has no idea.  Farmer tells Jade’s dad he likes Jade because of her values.  Dad stares blankly.  Jade decides that she needs to tell Farmer ASAP about her naked past before he takes to google himself.  Back at the local Super 8, Jade tells Farmer that she did some nude modeling and then asks if she can show him the photos.  Oh AND a video.  Farmer doesn’t know where to look and is beyond awkward yet hopeful that he can re-google all of this later in private.  Jade is pleased.

But then Jade is eliminated because as Carly said, “mom, don’t google my wife.”

This week we have the fantasy suite dates!  Woohoo!

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I Know What You Did

pan·ic
/’panik/
noun
1.   sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behavior.
      “she fell to the floor in panic”

       synonyms: alarm, anxiety, nervousness, fear, fright, trepidation, dread, terror, agitation, hysteria, consternation,
perturbation, dismay, apprehension.


Panic.  It’s where the Bachelor left us last week and where we start off episode six.

pho·ny

/’fōnē/

informal adjective

1.   not genuine; fraudulent; black widow.

“I thought your panic attack was a bit phony”    

synonyms: bogus, false, fake, fraudulent, spurious; Kelsey.

Phony.  It’s also where episode six begins.  To be more precise, there’s a phony pile of panic attack laying on the floor outside the bathroom in the form of Kelsey.  Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey.  We’ve seen a lot colorful characters roam the rose-lined halls of Bachelor High but we’ve never seen anyone quite like you.  As the Canadian said, “bitches be crazy.”


Rewind to last week.  Kelsey becomes nervous after Farmer unexpectedly cancels the rose ceremony.  She decides her dead husband story was not the nail in the coffin she had hoped it would be to secure her the rose.  And drastic times call for drastic measures.  Thus, Kelsey falls to the floor outside the bathroom in a perfect heap, her legs firmly together.  When she gets herself positioned just so, she starts emitting the most pitiful sounds.  Not quite a cry, not quite a hyperventilation.  The medic arrives and Kelsey tells the medic the only thing that will stop the panic is Farmer.  She tells the medic that after this she better get a rose tonight, in fact she better get the whole bunch.  As she laughs.  Funny how jovial you can be in the midst of a major panic attack.

Kelsey rejoins the other ladies after she’s decided to stop having a panic attack, where the girls are less than believing.  Ashley summed it up best, “total phony-baloney.”  When all is said and done, Kelsey tells the camera that the one feeling she can express today is “how happy” she is.  The feeling I’m feeling right now is fear.   She’s the black widow, baby.

Because Black Widow’s “episode” spanned two episodes, we go straight to the rose ceremony that should have happened last week.  Mackenzie and some chick you’ve never seen before in your life get sent home.  Next stop?  Deadwood, South Dakota!

I actually love South Dakota.  Such a fun state – so beautiful and so many cool things to see!

One on One: Becca – Let’s Give Love a Shot

Black Widow is not happy.  She says this is not ok.  She didn’t go through all that acting just to lose out on the one on one date.  Watch your back Farmer.

Farmer and Becca head into the country-side on horseback.  But the real drama is back in the hotel room where Carly and some other ladies decide it’s time to confront the Black Widow about her wily ways.  Here’s how the conversation went down:

  • Whitney: *High voice* Ok, so.  I just need tahhh beh open about my feelin’s.  At the rose ceremony you were laughin’.  An’ I thought how can she be so lighthearted about all this right nah?
  • Kelsey: *Feigning confusion and innocence* I didn’t start laughing.
  • Carly:  Yes you did, YOU PSYCHO.
  • Kelsey: I did?
  • Whitney: You got sick in the bathroom. And then you said you better get a rose.
  • Kelsey: Laughter.
  • Kelsey: I overcame a significant emotional hurdle.  Because you know, I’m widowed.  And I have fake tears in my eyes because I think it makes me more convincing.  I’ve never had a panic attack in my entire life.  *Whispering for dramatic effect* It was terrifying.
  • Carly:  You’re a psycho.  Farmer doesn’t see this side of you. You are not nice and make sly comments.
  • Kelsey: I have so much respect and admiration and I just genuinely like you guys.  I’m glad we had this conversation.  I’ll do my best to be mindful.

After, Kelsey tells the camera, “I get it.  I am blessed with eloquence.  And I’m articulate.  And I use a lot of big words because I’m smart.”

Has anyone ever heard Kelsey use “big” words?  Do eloquence and articulate count?

But I digress.  There is a really boring date to get back to.  Becca and Farmer talk about their five year plan and it’s definitely better than when Farmer asked the body builder that question.  Rose and first kiss for Becca.

Back at the Deadwood Suites, the group date card arrives.  That means that the other date is the dreaded two-on-one date.   And who better to go on that date than Black Widow v. Kardashley.   Kardashley is excited because she says she’s going to kick some Black Widow booty.  Black Widow is excited because she’s going to use either poison or black magic to win this round.

Group  Date: Let’s Make Sweet Music

The girls are joined by country group Big & Rich to compose songs to perform for Farmer.  Jade is paralyzed with fear.  It’s much easier posing nude (Jade posed with nothin’ but her birthday suit on for Playboy).  Whitney and Megan are totally excited because they are Southern gals and love country music.  Britt is unfamiliar with the duo but likes the idea of Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.

Jade Tells Big (or maybe Rich) that she’s on the struggle bus and feels stupid.  He suggests she get naked but when she says no, he decides making her run down the streets of Deadwood is the next best thing.  Jade’s fears are overcome. PS – I’m now secretly loving Big & Rich.  They seem like such sweet guys!

Meanwhile, Britt and Farmer hang all over each other and make out while the other girls look on with rage and jealousy pumping through their veins.  Britt doesn’t know why everyone is mad at her – she’s just testing out her song lyrics, “save a horse, ride a farm boy.”

Performance time.  Here’s a recap:

  • Farmer: *Chugs beer* I’m on ahhhhh journey to find my wifffffffe. Baby come home with me. Corn rows.
  • Britt:  *Moving to the beat/ Raspy voice* I wanna hear that sweet sweet music.  Don’t let me down.
  • Whitney: *Higher octave than her normal voice – didn’t know it was possible* windows break.
  • Canadian: Swearing and rapping. Obviously.
  • Megan: Surprisingly good voice.  Something about being speechless.  Does that explain why she seems like such an airhead?
  • Carly: *Professional singer* goes for gold by making Farmer sit next to her while she serenades him.
  • Jade: *For some reason this is sung in Whitney’s octave* more glass shattering.

Farmer decides he’d rather spend the rest of the night alone making out with Britt without the glaring judgmental eyes of the other ladies, so Britt and Farmer take off running to escape prying eyes.  They find themselves on stage at the Big & Rich concert, making out on stage.  Rose for Britt.  Meanwhile, the rest of the girls on this “date” are left to stew alone on the couch, wondering where their “boyfriend” went.  When Britt and Farmer finally take their tongues out of each other’s mouths and return to the group, they are met with icy stares, silence and tears.  Farmer excuses himself and leaves Britt to deal with the death stares.

Two-on-One Date: Crazy v. Crazier 

Ashley v. Kelsey.  Kardashley v. Black Widow.  Immature v. Scary.  What do you think?  Who is better for Farmer?  Virgin?  Or the one who KNOWS what it’s like to be a wife?

The trio takes a very long, mostly silent, and excruciatingly awkward helicopter ride to the Badlands.  As soon as Kardashley gets Farmer alone, she relies on her only trick up her sleeve: sloppily making out with him.  Farmer pries Kardashley off of him so he can get the scoop on Kelsey.  He wants to know if she’s as whacked out as he fears.  Kardashley tells Farmer, Black Widow doesn’t gel with the rest of the group.  Because she’s diagnosed as a sociopath on the DSM.

With that information, Farmer pulls Kelsey aside to throw Kardashley under the bus.  It went something like this:

  • Farmer: Kardashley says you’re the black widow.  Nobody likes you.  Sup with that?
  • Kelsey:  I am prepared to be a wife because I’ve been one.  I know how to be a wife.  The question is do you want me to be YOUR wife?
  • Farmer: Um, no.  You terrify me.  I want my wife to be able to handle social situations well.  Someone who people want to be around.  Kardashley says you are fake. That scares me.
  • Kelsey: Maniacal laughter.  I am SO HURT.  I considered Kardashley my BEST FRIEND FOREVER.  I don’t know what else to say.  I am just being myself (scary thought).  I’m not lost in this world of roses and Harrison.  This is my choice. I would hate for you to let go of all of the potential between us because of “girl talk.”

Black Widow tells the camera, “I just got thrown under the bus.  That is HURTFUL.   HURTFUL.  She’s a Kardashian wanna-be who didn’t get to go on her princess date.  Who has WAY TOO MUCH MAKEUP on to be genuine.  I am a WOMAN. She thinks she’s playing a game but I’m not.”

And then the scariest thing EVER happens.  Black Widow comes back to some random bed plopped down in the middle of the Badlands to stare down Kardashley.  After what seems like an hour, Black Widow says, “I know what you did.  And I do not appreciate it.”  In the most terrifying tone I’ve ever heard.  Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

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http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2943546/The-Bachelor-pits-Ashley-versus-Kelsey-dramatic-clip-two-one-date-Chris-Soules.html

Kardashley came back with the best lines ever though.  In fact, I officially love Kardashley after she stands up to Kelsey’s bullying.  She says, “Just because I don’t use as many big words as you doesn’t mean I’m not as smart.  Sorry I’m not from pleasantville, I’m from friggin’ 2014.  You and I both have our masters, and I have it from a good place.  And if you don’t think I’m intelligent to see through you, you’re friggin’ hilarious.”  Lots of friggin’s, but Girl’s from Jersey so I’m going to let that slide.

Kardashley storms off to find Farmer to give him an ear full.  And I don’t blame her.  What a jerk for soliciting her opinion of Kelsey and then TELLING Kelsey what Kardashley said about her.  Wrong Farmer, wrong.  I wish Kardashley would have told Farmer she was leaving but instead Farmer dumps her first.

Farmer tells Kardashley that the Five ‘n Dime General Store in the next town over only gets five pairs of fake eyelashes in a year and it’s usually around Halloween.  He just doesn’t see her living in Iowa given her propensity for all things princess.  Kardashley responds with another apropos zinger, “Oh and you think that Britt wants that lifestyle?  Seriously?”  Touché, Princess, touché.

Black Widow becomes smug when she thinks she got the rose, only to quickly realize Farmer is sending her packing too.  When Kelsey’s luggage gets whisked away at the hotel, the girls seriously start screaming, hollering, poppin’ bottles and dancing.  I’ve never seen a more jovial group of ladies.

I’m a little sad to see Kardashley go – she entertained me in a good way.  Kelsey on the other hand, good riddance.  What do you guys think?  Is Kelsey the black widow?  Is she really that manipulative and conniving? This week we get TWO episodes!

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Isn’t My Story Amazing?

Oh boy.  This week.  Where do I even start?  Do we talk about Kelsey’s sociopathic tendencies?  Do we conduct a geography lesson for Megan, who is beyond excited to “leave the country” for the first time ever and head to New Mexico?  Do we discuss  Britt’s hygiene habits?  So much to talk about, so little time.  Let’s start in Santa Fe, New Mexico.  Get your passports handy.

The plane touches down in New Mexico and Megan is surprised and disappointed that for some reason she doesn’t need to convert her dollars to pesos.  She remains hopeful though that the locals will all wear sombreros.

One on One Date: Carly- Let’s Come Together 

Oye.  This date.  One of the most awkward dates I’ve ever watched.  PS, did you guys know Carly is Zak’s sister from Des’ season?  Zak made it to the final four (to jog your memory, he was always taking his clothes off.  Seems like Carly has a little more restrain than her brother).

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{photo source: https://thebigkibitz.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/bachelorette-zak-w-desiree.png}

Did anyone notice Carly’s adorable silver feather earrings?  So fun! Looks like the girls did some Southwest shopping.

Carly and Farmer head to their date, which will be led by some mediating Kama Sutra love guru.  The guru tells Farmer and Carly that she wants to bring more juiciness into the relationship.  I mean, do they need to make things more juicy for a first date?

The guru has the couple change into some white linen outfits, which make obtaining juiciness more feasible.  She also burns sage and makes them inhale it until they are high.  Farmer is optimistic but also concerned as to “how weird this is going to get.”

And weird it gets.

Carly blindfolds Farmer and is instructed to breathe all over him.  Carly requests some mouthwash and apologizes to Farmer for all the garlic she ate last night.  Then she proceeds to run chocolate all over Farmer’s lips.  If this isn’t sexy, I don’t know what is:

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{photo source: https://noshameonlypride.wordpress.com}

As if this couldn’t be any more awkward, guru tells the couple that they will now derobe each other.  When it’s time to take Farmer’s pants off, Carly has had enough.  She tells him she’s really uncomfortable and isn’t ready to take his pants off in front of guru and all of the cameras.  Farmer is relieved too because he accidentally put on his Sunday undies, which have a hole in them.  As punishment for their failure to remove all their clothes, guru makes Carly straddle Farmer and breathe directly into his mouth and nose for five minutes straight.

Back at the Mexican hotel, Kelsey is sitting around with some of the girls when they started asking about the death of Kelsey’s husband.  Kesley nonchalantly tells them, “he collapsed, he died.”  Then, she had a hard time recalling the medical term for his heart failure.  To quote Kelsey, “umm…what’s it called?  It’s called congestive heart failure.”  She concludes with “and darlin’ that is life.”  Is this chick for real?  You had to think about what he died from?  How is that NOT automatic?  You couldn’t even muster up one tear?  Darlin’ that is life?  It was like a mother explaining the death of a bug to her toddler.  Yes, it’s true, that’s life, but THIS. IS. NOT. NORMAL.

On the date, Carly tells Farmer she has not been intimate with someone for a year and a half.  Then she tells him her last boyfriend would not touch her and they did not have a physical relationship.  Farmer offers to have sex with her so long as she doesn’t judge the hole in his undies.  Rose for Carly.

Group Date: I’m Rapidly Falling in Love

The girls head with Farmer to do some whitewater rafting on the Rio Grande.  I’ve never been whitewater rafting but it’s on my list.  Well that is until I saw Jade get hurled from the raft into the rapids.

But Jade played it well.  She needed Farmer to rub her feet to keep her from getting hypothermic. All the girls are jealous of Jade’s blue extremities and contemplate propelling themselves into the freezing cold rapids.

The girls change out of their sporty apparel in exchange for their cocktail dresses.  Or in Kardashley’s case, her finest figure skating costume that she wore for her long program in middle school.  PS, how great is the nickname Kardashley?  Thank you to one fine reader for that clever name!

As Farmer heads to the cocktail party, he is intercepted by former contestant Jordan.  Who’s that you ask?  Jordan was the student from Colorado who was more interested in Jack, Jose, and Johnny than she was in Farmer.  Girl liked to drink.  Jordan drove from Colorado to New Mexico to tell Farmer she’s joined AA and as such, she needs to make amends.  Farmer offers Jordan the chance to feed her to the group of piranhas, who want nothing more than to eat Jordan alive.  Also, the producers told Farmer to let her stay to increase the  level of drama.  Plus, wow, did you see the makeover they gave her?  She looked like a new person!

The girls take Farmer aside and one by one tell him why Jordan is not right for him:

  • Kardashley: I mean, she like, drinks like, a lot.  And like, I don’t think she’s wife material.  I’m wife material.  I’m a princess and wives like, always, wear fake eyelashes and a weave.  And I’m like, way more, mature than, like her.
  • Megan: It’s like crazy.
  • Kelsey: Redemption is a beautiful thing. [Insert evil laughter].

Kardashley starts to lose it.  She tells the girls that Jordan blew her chance (actually, I think she drank her chance) and there are no second chances when it comes to the Bachelor.  Because you know, in life, there are NO SECOND CHANCES.  Said nobody ever.  Kardashley decides that the best approach is the middle school approach: be mean to Jordan at every opportunity.  Any girl who DARES speak kindly to Jordan is out of the Eyelash Club. FOR.EVER.  Whitney tells Kardashley she doesn’t want to be in the club because her momma taught her to treat others how you want to be treated.  Whit tells that camera that Farmer does not want a mean girl as a wife.  I agree with that statement.

Back at the hotel, Britt receives the second one-on-one date card and starts to cry.  She’s scared of heights and her date involves some sort of height thing.  Britt, you gotta lie on the “fear” section of your application!  Tell them you are scared of shopping!  And getting massages!  But never admit your true fears!

Farmer decides it’s time to tell Jordan she needs to leave.  ABC has gotten the footage they need to make this episode interesting and now he’s contractually free to do what he wants to Jordan.  Jordan returns to the girls where they abruptly put down the knives they were shoving in Jordan’s proverbial back to whisper in her ear “I’ll always admire you” (I’m looking at you Kelsey) as they shove her out the door.  Insecure Kardashley does all she can to resist yelling, “don’t let the door hit you in the rear on your way out!”

Farmer gives the group date rose to Whitney.  Kardashley can barely contain her rage.  How dare Whitney receive the rose when she refused to be part of the Be Mean to Jordan Club!  Kardashley tells the camera that she can’t believe Whit got the rose, when earlier on the date she looked at Whitney and thought, “I don’t really have to worry about… that.”  Tears start to form and Kardashley excuses herself so she can bad-mouth Whitney more thoroughly.  Kard tells her only friend, Mackenzie, “I just think she’s fake as BEEP.  I just see him with a girl who’s super real.”  Mack, in another insightful moment, tells Kard, “I just don’t think you like her.”  Touché.

One on One Britt

Here’s what we are about to learn about Britt:  1) She sleeps with make-up on every night; 2) She doesn’t shower; 3) She doesn’t want to get married or have children; 4) She’s a unicorn.

Ok so not all of that information is factual.  Farmer shows up in the girls’ hotel room to wake up Britt at 4:30 AM for her date.  Britt follows the Boy Scouts of America motto, “always be prepared,” and as such she chooses to sleep in a full face of make-up every night.  Just in case.  Including glittery eye shadow.  And lip gloss.

I guess I don’t judge Britt for wearing make-up at all times when you’re going to be on national television.  I would probably do the same.  One time I was not wearing make-up (amongst other issues including a lack of sleep, disheveled hair, and a hoodie) and I was out in public.  My mom looked at me and said, “I’ve never seen you look so awful!”  While most people would be offended, we just laughed and laughed because, well, it was true!  It was not my finest moment.  If I were on this show, I would want to avoid hearing my mother or anyone else’s mother say, “wow she should put some makeup on, look how bad she looks!”

Farmer takes Britt to a hot air balloon for a ride.  Man, I’m jealous of this too.  So fun!  Also, for some reason, Britt’s paralyzing phobia of heights is somehow magically assuaged just by Farmer’s presence.  Naturally.

Back at the hotel, the girls take to doing what they do best: badmouthing their competition.  The girls start talking about Britt’s hygiene and claim that she has yet to take a shower on the show.  Or doesn’t shower very frequently.  I’m not buying it.  Britt’s hair is SO clean and flowy and beautiful.  Maybe she can go a week between washes, but who cares?  I’d love it if I only had to wash my hair once a week!  Plus, science says that soap is actually not good for your skin and it’s better to just rinse.  Girl is just being healthy.

Meanwhile, back on the date, Farmer takes Britt back to his hotel, where according to Britt, they take a nap.  Britt tells Farmer she wants a hundred kids (potential hyperbole, I hope) but Kardashley is back at the hotel spreading rumors that Britt wants to remain single and does not want children.  Kardashley seems like such a reliable source.  Definitely believe everything that comes out of her mouth.

Britt returns from the date and mistakenly tells the girls that she just spent the afternoon in Farmer’s bed.  Taking a nap.  Wink face.

Kelsey realizes her time on the Bachelor is rapidly coming to an end so what a better time than now to manipulate Farmer.  What works best for manipulation?  Tales about your dead husband!  Kelsey shows up unannounced in Farmer’s hotel room and relays her “amazing” story to Farmer.  She tries to produce a few crocodile tears but fails to get any to actually roll down her cheeks.  While Farmer tries to process this information, Kelsey uses this as an opportunity to make out with Farmer.  I mean why not.  Dead husbands are GREAT pick up material.  Ick.

She gleefully tells the camera, “I’m just… ahh… isn’t my story amazing?  It’s tragic, but it’s amazing.”

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{photo source: https://us.beamly.com/exclusives/2015/02/03/kelsey-makes-move-bachelor-work/}

She seriously said this.  With a massive smile on her face.  On camera.  To the world.  I was honestly scared of Kelsey in this moment.  Something is really wrong here.  I’ve considered editing yet I cannot believe under what circumstance that statement would be ok.  She concludes with, “I love my story.”  Oh and something about how this is her love story and tune in on Mondays at 8:00 PM to watch it unfold.  Do you think there was an emergency school board meeting about Kelsey’s employment status as a guidance counselor as soon as this episode aired?  I mean, my child would NOT be allowed to seek Kelsey out for any reason.

The Cocktail Party that Wasn’t

Farmer shows up at the cocktail party rattled by his recent conversation with Kelsey.  He has to end the conversation mid-sentence as he starts to cry.  Kelsey sticks another pin into her voodoo doll.

The Almighty Chris comes in to tell the girls that Farmer is extremely emotional and does not want to have a cocktail party.  Kelsey’s rose-receiving confidence starts to waver and she starts calculating plan b: a panic attack.  Guys, I’m just not buying it!  Kelsey goes from laughing about her shoes and how she’s sad to say goodbye to someone tonight because someone will be sent home (but not her) to lying on the floor sobbing.

And that’s curtain call.

What do you guys think?  What’s Kelsey’s deal?  Is she misunderstood?  Is she a psychopath?  Is she an actress?  What is this?!

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Her Mouth is Not a Virgin

It’s week four, which means Farmer is one step closer to finding his milkmaid! The Almighty Chris greets us sans Jimmy Kimmel to tell the girls that this week Chris’ three older sisters will pick out his date for the one-on-one.  He also deposits a group date card on the coffee table, thus eliminating half the group from meeting the sisters and winning the coveted one-on-one date.

Group Date: Let’s do What Feels Natural 

The girls on the group date card start to freak out.  Does he mean they can’t wear makeup?  Kardashian Ashley is worried that her weave doesn’t look natural but Mackenzie ensures her it looks completely real.  Kelsey laughs like a hyena because these girls are anything but natural.  She’s confident she’s the only natural one in the house (as they show a shot of her STEAMING her tube top). Man oh man.

Chris takes the girls to a lake to see how they enjoy the great outdoors.  Some enjoy it a little too much, and some enjoy it not at all.

The virgin enjoys it too much.  She tells the camera she is too shy around Chris.  Her solution is to jump into the lake topless.  That will send the right virginal message.

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Kaitlyn sees this and thinks, wow Kardashian, great move.  I’m going to take my bottoms off!

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And Chris is thinking this is better than Iowa City after a Hawkeyes win!

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Kesley is indignant.  “This is a date made for bimbos,” she says.  Half of me wants to agree with her but the other half of me recalls a time on my parents’ boat when I took my bikini top off and swung it around in the air and then the boat police pulled us over.  Don’t freak out, I had on a towel!

Back at the mansion, the girls are sunbathing when Farmer’s sisters appear.  Muscles is passed out in the pool and is a hot mess when she wakes up.  The sisters meet individually with each girl to determine who is the best fit for Chris.  Here’s a recap:

Whitney: ****extremely high voice*** Giggles.  I’m mooovin’ to I-a-wahh y’all!

Brit: Not to be conceited but, yeah, I’m the front-runner.  Seriously.

Muscles: Do they have free weights on the farm?  I bet I could tip a cow with my pinky.

Carly the Cruise Singer: Nobody ever loves me.  Cries.

Jade: I’m from Nebraska.

With those three magic words, the sisters have their decision made.  Nebraska, Nebraska, I love ya.

Back at the lake, Kelsey is still annoyed.  She said her face hurts from fake smiling. She calls the lake a hell hole and wants to stab herself in the eye with a fork.  Naturally.  Luckily a bee comes along to sting her, which is the next best thing.

Chris announces the date isn’t ending any time soon because they are going to camp.  The campers are assigned two to a tent and are instructed to put up their own tent.  Virgin Kardashian and Mother of Kale are assigned to a tent together but can’t get it assembled.  Mackenzie tells Kardashian to make the sticks straight and stick them in the holes.  And then she laughs and laughs.  Because, you guys, she’s 21.  Kardashian doesn’t get it, because, you guys, she’s a virgin.  In case you forgot.

As the girls get cozy around the fake fire (did anyone notice the totally fake logs?), someone comments that they are the luckiest girls in America to which Kelsey responds with “really?”  Kesley continues to pout around the fire until Chris arrives to whisk her away.  Suddenly she’s giggly, smily, and so happy.  And so fake.  Bleh.  I used to like her but after listening to her laugh, not so much.

Things deteriorate around the fire as whiskey flows freely.  Crazy Ashley is singing, Mackenzie starts talking about aliens again, someone gets the hiccups, and Kelsey remains annoyed.

Kardashian Ashley pulls Chris aside to tell him that she gets nervous around him and it feels like she has a unibrow and a lunchbox.  Or something like that.

Group date rose goes to skinny-dipper Kaitlyn.

Virgin Kardashian decides she needs to take matters into her own hands and crawls into Farmer’s tent because she needs to tell him she’s a virgin. Here’s how the late-night convo went down:

  • Kardashian: I am freaking innocent.  I’ve never even had a boyfriend before.
  • Farmer:  I think you’re well-rounded.  And I like that you took your top off today.
  • Kardashian: Inside I’m a freaking nerd and inexperienced in every way possible.
  • Me: That explains the awful kissing.
  • Farmer: I think I get it.  But I’m kind of drunk and I was asleep.  Do you want to make out?
  • Kardashian: I just want you to get me. You can probe at that area later.  (Interesting choice of words, Ash).

One on One Date: Jade – Something about Princesses 

Kardashian Ashley is livid.  She says she was made for a princess date.  News flash Ash, princesses, cinderella, ball gowns, etc, do not a farmer’s wife make.

Some eccentric types come to the mansion to give Jade her cinderella makeover.  Ashley is green with envy.  The only time I felt mildly jealous was when they pulled out a pair of Louboutin’s and told Jade she could keep them.  One time I tried on a pair and it was love at first sight.  There were only four pairs made (including the ones on my feet).  It was a magical day.

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Hello, gorgeous.

They also give Jade a pair of Neil Lane earrings, which she can also keep.  For some reason everyone makes a bigger deal out of the earrings.  Wrong guys, just wrong.  Then they make Jade watch a clip from the new Cinderella and I’m reminded why this show is so stupid.

Off Jade goes on her Cinderella date. Super boring.  The only thing memorable was the attempt to cover up Jade’s nasty massive back tattoo with makeup.  Cinderella doesn’t have tats.

Someone posted this today on Facebook and it made me laugh.  Totally appropriate for this date:

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Ash is so mad about the date, so she puts on her own princess gown and eats some corn on the cob. Ok.

When the date ends, ABC makes Jade continue this stupid Cinderella charade and makes her RUN down the stairs as the bell strikes Midnight.  Ugh.

Group Date: Trash Your Dress 

Muscle Jillian, Whitney, Brit, Becca, some girl I’ve never seen before and Carly all receive wedding dresses and are instructed to wear them for the date.  A private plane flies the girls to San Fran where they are joined by Farmer clad in a tux. He takes them to a mud run.

Muscles takes a cue out of Beefcake’s page, kisses her biceps, grunts and downs a protein shake.  She’s going to DOMINATE this. Jillian finishes the race before the other girls get through the first obstacle.  Blue ribbon winner, Jillian, gets to spend the remainder of the date with Farmer where she subsequently blows her chance.

Farmer takes Jill to a romantic rooftop dinner.  Here’s how their convo went:

  • Farmer:  Where do you see yourself in five years?
  • Jillian:  I don’t know.  But probably winning body building contests.  And hopefully developing my own line of creatine. I can’t tell you where I’ll be in five years because I don’t BEEEEEEEEEPING KNOW.  I used to not have a life so I started training myself.  Then I started winning all these shows and I have a sponsorship.  It’s really weird because my mom was like a weight builder too.
  • Farmer:  Silence.
  • Jillian: I’m good at this.
  • Farmer: He tells the camera he zones out and starts thinking about unicorns.
  • Jillian: I’m a super big daddy’s girl.  He has a dirty sense of humor (ok, creepy).  Would you rather have sex with a homeless girl and you don’t know what she has and this b**** is talking to her reflection, bird in her hair, the whole nine?  Or abstain from sex for five years? (This is an exact quote).
  • Farmer: Silence.

Farmer realizes Muscles is not the kind of girl he wants to bring home to the farm.  Sure she’d be able to do most of the manual labor but he realizes he doesn’t want his dinner conversations to be about sex with homeless people.  No rose for Jillian.

Rose Ceremony 

The theme of this episode is obviously Kardashian Ashley’s virginity.  She decides Farmer didn’t understand the conversation so she give it to him straight: she’s a virgin.  Chris tells her he respects that and thinks it’s great.  He admires her more.  Ashley doesn’t get this vibe and starts to freak out.  She is upset because he doesn’t kiss her and she says, “I don’t want him to respect me that much.”  Girl, he’s probably not kissing you because it grosses him out.

Insecurity gets the best of Ash and she cries uncontrollably on the stairs.  Eventually she tells the girls in the living room and everyone is stunned.  Carly summed it up best, “I’ve seen her make out with Chris like a million times.  Her mouth is not a virgin.”  Sweet little Becca chimes in that she’s a virgin too.

Say what?  I need to rewind.  Becca is a virgin too.  Ashley, please, take note of Becca.  Her behavior is the type you should consider emulating.

Brit starts to feel insecure about her place in the house and starts questioning Farmer’s choice of rose distribution.  Brit tells Farmer she is upset he gave Kaitlyn the rose after she took her clothes off.  Brit says lots of women wanted to leave after that incident and she wants to know why that behavior is being validated. Chris is madddddddd.  He doesn’t like that she’s questioning his integrity.  Yet he cannot formulate a response to Brit.  He was like, “uh, that, I see, uh, you know what I mean, uh, I don’t think Kaitlyn is, I mean, I’m not rewarding inappropriate behavior, um.”  Brit apologizes for putting him on the spot, and Chris abruptly gets up and heads into the living room to make the mandatory Bachelor announcement, “I’m here to find a wife and if any of you question that, you are more than welcome to go home.”

Sent home this week is questionable mental state Ashley, the girl whose name I can’t remember, and Juelia. Ashley tells the camera she feels nothing.  She says she has no feelings.  She says honestly, she is who she is.

I hope whoever she is was acting.

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You Can’t Take Out a Car Without Test Driving It

Raise your hand if you’d rather flirt with Jimmy Kimmel than Prince Farming?  woman-raising-hand-emoji-elite-daily-1

This week Jimmy Kimmel graces the Bachelor with his funny presence.  I wish he was on every week.  Jimmy shows up at the mansion and greets the women with this gem, “Hello sister wives!”  So apropos and also, so so funny.  That’s exactly what they are! Jimmy tells the ladies he is there to help Farmer Chris make his decision by “making love to each of [them].”

Did anyone notice how uncomfortable Chris Harrison looked when Jimmy was in the room?  Upstaged!

One on One Date: Canadian GIA Kaitlyn 

A limo picks up Kaitlyn and Farmer.  They believe they are headed to a fancy place but the limo arrives at Costco.  For Kaitlyn, Costco is pretty fancy.

Apparently the date is at Costco because this is what real life looks like.  They are instructed to buy copious amounts of ketchup, pants and an office chair.  That’s not my life but I suppose it might be someone’s.  They also need to buy dinner fixings because Jimmy is coming to dinner tonight!  Again, I would be so much more excited to hang out with Jimmy for the night.  Man, I would be bad on this show.

Eventually Kaitlyn and Chris end up in a weird blowup bubble thing and kiss.  I think we need a kissing tally for this guy.  That’s one.

Maybe I’m doing my dating life wrong but when the Costco trip was over, Farmer and Kaitlyn went back to Farmer’s weird garage apartment to prepare for their guest of honor.  They kept discussing how great their date to Costco was and how much fun they had.  I’ve hit up Sam’s Club plenty of time with my boyfriend and we’ve never once come home from there and reminisced about how much fun we had at Sam’s Club. We must not be doing it right.

Jimmy shows up at the dinner party.  Overall this is pretty boring.  Jimmy asks Kaitlyn if she’ll get mad at Chris if he sleeps with all three women in the fantasy suite.  To show just how cool and laid back she is, Kaitlyn says, “No.  I can’t be.  It’s part of the process.  You can’t take out a car without test driving it.”  I think she means buy a car.  In any event, you’re a liar.  Any woman in her right mind would be very upset if the guy they got engaged to had sex with two different women The. Night. Before. Ick. Triple Ick!

Jimmy passes his pearls of wisdom on to Chris and tells him to have sex with all the girls. Kaitlyn says she can have sex with as many people as she wants too.  She’s a classy classy girl. Rose for Gia (please reference last week’s post – Gia from Full House).

Group Date: Are you Ready to Meet Some Real Party Animals?

Jimmy takes the girls to a farm to see how they’ll stand up on Chris’ farm.  They have to shuck corn, collect eggs, crack the egg into a frying pan, milk a goat, drink the milk, shovel manure, and then place a pig in his pen.

Per usual, ABC has to use a black box to cover up Jillian’s rear end again.  What is with that?  Does she not have any shorts that are made for adults?

The girls describe the goat milk as warm and salty.  Ugh.  I don’t think I could do that. Carly, cruise ship singer, proves herself as a worthy farmhand.  E-i-e-i-o.  Carly is feeling ballsy after winning the blue ribbon so at the after party she plants a kiss on Farmer.  That’s two.

Then he kisses some chick who asks him to slow dance.  No idea what her name is but she’s a bartender.  That’s three!

Kissing Chris acknowledges there is a lot of kissing going on but says that’s the point of this whole deal.  Is it though?  Last I checked people hoping to get married didn’t just tongue every person they met.  But ok.

Then he makes out with Britt.  That’s four.  Ironically, the only one who starts to take issue with Chris’ loose tongue is young Mackenzie.  She’s wondering why he’s kissing everything in a skirt.  Me too, Mack, me too.  She asks him, “why are you kissing everyone else, too?”  I admire Mackenzie in this moment.  Seriously Chris, why ARE you kissing all these women?  You cannot possibly see a future with 99% of them.  So why do you think it’s ok to kiss that 99 percent?

Chiropractic assistant Becca gets some alone time with Farmer and tells him she wants to kiss him but doesn’t want to rush it and wants it to mean something.  She doesn’t kiss him.  Did you just hear something?  That was the sound of my jaw hitting the floor.  Ladies and gentleman, I’d like to mark this as Exhibit A: it’s called self-respect. Way to go Becca!

And guess who got the rose?  Becca!  Everyone take a cue from Becca.

Second One on One: Whitney

Whitney is so overwhelmed when she learns she’s going on a date with this virtual stranger that she starts to cry.  Normal.

Whit and Chris go to a winery for some tastings.  Side note – wine tasting in a beautiful place is beyond fun.  I’m pretty much a pro:

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Oh summer how I miss thee.  Anyway, Whit and Chris are guzzlin’ some grape juice when what do you know?  ABC stages a wedding!  Convenient AND believable! Whit comes up with a grand plan to crash the wedding.  She says “YOLO,” (mom translation: you only live once) and off they go. Well first they decide they need to change into formal wear, because you know, “YOLO.”

By the time Chris and Whit are changed into their clothes, it’s pitch black outside.  I’d say at least 8 hours have gone by since they first spotted the wedding.  As I said, this seems very realistic. Oh and also, a camera crew following you around at a wedding won’t make you stick out like a sore thumb or anything.  Totally normal.

Whit and Chris fake it till they make it at the wedding and none of the actors seem suspicious.  Eventually the pair dance the night away and a familiar song starts to play.  I knew right away that I recognized it.  The App Shazam told me it was Matt White “Love and Affection.”  Google told me that Bachelorette Des went to his concert with Chris (the guy she ended up picking) back on her season (Clip available here).  Geez ABC.  You can’t even get original music?  Apparently he is their go-to singer songwriter.  Google also told me that he performed at Ashley and JP’s wedding and Des and Chris’ wedding last weekend.

Whit and Chris kiss.  That’s five! Rose for Whit.

Cocktail Party Pool Party

Jimmy drops by the house to tell the girls there will be no cocktail party today but instead a pool party.  He tells the ladies they have an hour to get ready before Chris arrives.  There are audible gasps and jaws drop.  Is this editing?  These girls don’t think an hour is a long enough time to get ready for a POOL PARTY?  Even when I’m trying to look my absolute best, from shower to walking out the door, it doesn’t take me longer than an hour to get ready.  Why would putting on a swimsuit necessitate so much time?  Get a grip ladies!  But I guess that just means I’d be the one to show up at the pool party with hairy legs.  Yet another reason I would stink on this show.

New Jersey Ashley is really upset at the prospect of a pool party.  She says, “I was so excited to do my Kardasian look tonight.”  Yep.  She said that.  I had her in my first post this season labeled as the one most likely to worship Kim K (seriously) but then I decided it was so obvious that it wasn’t even funny!  She looks like she’s trying so hard to be Kimmy.  Well except the virginity thing.

At the pool party, Juelia decides it’s time to tell Chris about her tragic past.  It’s really sad and awful but I just wish she wasn’t on the show.  She’s young and the tragedy is too recent.  It’s just a lot to handle at a mid-afternoon pool party while you’re wearing a swimsuit and wearing fake eyelashes.

Jade decides it’s time to step up her game and she intends to do that by looking like a hooker.  She takes Chris back to his garage, lies down on his bed in her nude swimsuit and five-inch stilettos and makes out with Farmer.  That’s six.

Next he makes out with muscle builder Jillian.  That’s seven.  Ashley sees them make out and starts to crack.  Don’t cry Ash- that mascara is going to be a mess running down your face!  She gets some alone time with Farmer and he is instantly confused by her emotions.  He asks her if she’s laughing or crying.  She says both.  He hugs her, she stops crying, she says she missed him and then Ash attacks Chris’ face.  It looks like he’s trying to rein in her aggressive and disgusting technique but fails as they sit precariously on the ledge of the mansion.  I’m concerned for their safety.  I’m also concerned that he’s now made out with EIGHT girls this episode. After, Ashley is sad her mouth was so dry when they kissed.  Um ok.  Ew.

Three girls, whose names I don’t know, get the boot.  See ya!  I am hoping for some more action (by action I mean drama and less making out) on this next episode.

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That’s How I Feel. Boom.

This season must seriously lack entertainment or drama.  The first episode ended with a cliff hanger, as one of the ladies, Kimberly, decided to ask to stay on the show despite not receiving a rose.  That, apparently, warranted a cliff hanger.

So that’s where we pick up on episode two.  It’s sunny outside, so I can only assume these poor women have been up for well over 24 hours.  Kimberly walks back into the mansion to ask Farmer for a first chance (she never had an opportunity to speak with Chris during the Tara’s kegger cocktail party).  And the girls are peeved.  How dare she come back in here after we have formed such strong connections with him!  Or at least that’s how the insecure girls act.  Ladies, calm down.  He doesn’t know any of your names and the producers told him with to keep at least 20 out of the 22 remaining women.

Chris gives 28-year-old yoga instructor Kimberly a rose.  There is an audible gasp from the peanut gallery until they realize that Chris is watching them at which point they slowly clap and half-heartedly say “yay.”  Kimberly brings her hands to heart center, bows, and quietly says, “namaste.”

The girls change into some yoga pants that Kimberly brought for the group, some continue to drink because why not, and the Almighty Chris shows up to tell the women that Farmer Chris is living at the end of the driveway.  To some of the women this translates as permission to break and enter.  I think some no contact orders might be appropriate in the near future. With his permission to stalk Farmer, Chris also hands out the first date card, which reads, “show me your country.”  Thanks but no thanks.

Group Date: Show me Your Country

Six girls are selected for this group date and instructed to only pack a bikini.  Less is more.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, muscle builder Jillian and make-up artist Megan, have downed just enough mimosas to decide that breaking into Farmer Chris’ house is appropriate.  For some reason, Jillian wears a swimsuit that requires ABC to put a black bar over the back AND front of her lady bits.  Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse, my mom called and told me that she heard they had to use the little black bar to cover Jillian not because the suit was too small but because Jillian is abnormally hairy.

Yes.  Let that sink in.  She is too hairy.  Sorry if you threw up a little in your mouth.  Moving on.  They enter Farmer’s house, which looks like a depressing garage with some ugly throw rugs.  Megan puts on Chris’ motorcycle helmet and bangs her head against the wall over and over again, voluntarily.  What high-caliber girls!

On the date, the pool party ends and ABC resorts to exploitation of the ladies.  The girls are paraded down the streets of LA in their bikinis only.  They walked a MILE like this.  A MILE.  They arrive at the grand destination.  Tractors for a tractor race downtown LA.  So stupid.  My friend and I put the show on mute at this point.

Ashley from New Jersey, who looks just like Kim Kardasian, wins the tractor race and gets a few minutes alone with Farmer while they both try to awkwardly sit on the tractor.

At the mansion we learn horribly sad news that one of the women, Juelia, was widowed after her husband committed suicide when their daughter was a baby.  Poor Juelia breaks down in tears while girls pepper her with questions.  Has anyone heard of a hug?  Ugh.  I can’t imagine what this poor girl has been through.

On the country date, Chris gives the group date rose to 21-year-old Mackenzie.  The one who named her baby after a trendy health food: Kale.  You heard me correctly.  She’s 21, which is bad enough on its own for a 34-year-old, but she also has a child.  Named Kale.  The group date turns to a one on one date with Mackenzie.  He takes her to a bar because it’s her first time using her actual ID.

Then weird things start to happen.  Or maybe 21-year-old things start to happen.  Mackenzie spends her time telling Chris that his nose is very prominent and that it’s a great nose.  I don’t think I’ve ever said that to a date.  My what a nice schnoz you have!  Chris looks uncomfortable as he drinks his beer more quickly.  Mackenzie then asks Chris, “do you believe in aliens?”  I’m sorry but I haven’t been 21 in a while.  Is this normal conversation?  Go back to your home planet, Mack.  Chris says the alien talk raises a few red flags for him.  Amongst other things Chris…

For some reason, she gets a rose.  They make out at the bar, just like any good 21-year-old would do.

One-on-One Date: Megan, Love is a Natural Wonder

Megan.  The one with no brain cells.  She banged them all against the wall in Chris’ garage apartment. Chris picks her up and takes her to the airport where they board a private plane to Vegas, hop in a heli and fly over the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon.  Um yes please!  Sign me up!  Amazingly enough, my Bachelor watching partner has done this exact thing!  They stop somewhere in the Grand Canyon and picnic.

Megan reveals the sad news that her dad recently died from a heart attack.  So sad.  I feel like that is the new criteria for this show: you can be on if you have something really tragic to share on national television.  Megan gets a rose and a make-out session with Chris.

Group Date: Til Death Do We Part

This date is so stupid.  I can’t even bring myself to write about it.  Here is the gist – they play paint ball and the object is to shoot zombies.  The whole time, onion girl Ashley H is confused and non-sensical.  Is this an act?  I don’t believe ABC genuinely casted a mentally ill person.  So is she on something?  She makes me uncomfortable. She keeps calling the paint ball park the Mesa Verde in the creepiest voice possible.

At the house, Mack and Megan are having a spa day with face masks, and 24-year-old student Jordan has drunk all the alcohol in the house.  She comes into the bathroom and drunkenly twerks against the wall.   Then she drunkenly tells the camera that Jillian has the hairiest butt she’s ever seen.  She says it rivals some of her ex-boyfriends.  That’s TWO people telling me about this girl’s hair problems!  What!

At the date Ashley starts rambling more non-sense.  She thinks an angel will receive the rose.  The Canadian gets some alone time with Farmer.  She reminds me of bad girl Gia from Full House:

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{photo source: http://wac.9ebf.edgecastcdn.net/809EBF/ecorigin.nyc.barstoolsports.com/files/2014/08/0d68584a2ee5492f52876886e7c21c24.jpg}

Chris kisses Canadian.  He likes her.  Ashley spontaneously tells the group, “that’s how I feel.  Boom.”  Nobody knows what she’s talking about and she just keep repeating herself. “Boom.  Like the truth.  Boom. Go find your own way to the truth.”  Seriously, this is a conversation.  Is this a mental health breakdown?  I don’t understand. She asks Chris to play hide and seek. Then she asks him to explore with her.  She asks if they are at Mesa Verde again.  Later, she interrupts Chris filming a reflection interview.  She says, “I’m not going to be fake with you.”  He says ok. Farmer is genuinely concerned about Ashley and asks if she’s holding up ok.  She says she doesn’t understand what he’s asking her.  (Mental note: she is unable to track conversation.  That is worrisome).  Then she says, “you don’t want to lose the whole world, right?  But actually, you don’t want to gain the whole world.   You don’t want to lose your soul.”  Chris responds with a solemn “correct.”

Chris spends some quality make out time with Britt, removes his tongue from her mouth and hands the rose to Canadian Kaitlyn.  Ouch.

Cocktail Party/ Rose Ceremony 

High-pitched Whitney snagged some alone time with Farmer and brings him his favorite whiskey. Well-played, Whit. Kim Kardashian, Ashley resorts to more drastic measures.  First, she reveals to the girls that she is a 26-year-old virgin.  Mack is beyond envious.  If she was still a virgin she wouldn’t have a child named Kale.  Ashley puts on her genie outfit (why is that a theme this season?) and does one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen on this show.  She tells Chris he has three wishes he can make.  On her belly button ring.  And then she instructs him to rub her belly button ring.  If the hairy butt thing didn’t make you want to throw up earlier, this surely will.  He rubs her belly button and then they aggressively make out.  I mean aggressively.  I had to cover my eyes.  It was a total mess.  Ashley needs some instruction.

Pretty much the remaining 22 girls make out with Chris except drunken Jordan.  She’s been drunk for 72 hours straight and decides her BAC is just high enough to plant a wet one on him.  No kiss happens and awkwardness ensues.

In the end, Yogi was sent home again.  Drunken Tara and drunken Jordan were also among the departed.  The producers mandated that Ashley stick around another week to provide us with entertainment/ concern.

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It’s Just a Panty Dropper

The worst thing happened on Sunday.  My internet stopped working and the only time my provider could come fix it was Monday night at 6:00 PM.  I sat there like an impatient child, willing the service dude to hurry the heck up and get out of my apartment.  Didn’t he know it was MONDAY NIGHT!  THE Monday night?  He finally left and I breathed a sigh of relief (and also felt like an idiot after I realized that I caused the internet outage from my ironing board getting caught on some cords – – whoopsies!).  I grabbed my sweat pants, charged my cell phone so I was prepared to text 100 texts a minute, consulted my old friends Ben and Jerry and settled in for the night.

And then it happened.  The eagle has landed.

huge

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{photo source 1:http://convozine.com/robin_hardwick/31885}
{photo source 2:http://www.hoax-slayer.com/rebirth-of-the-eagle-hoax.shtml}

Eagle you ask?  Check out that beak.  Anyway, as if this show couldn’t get any worse, Chris Harrison greets us on a LIVE red carpet.  Is this really necessary?  Of course not.  We do not need to waste time on the dog lover, Bachelor lowlife royalty Michelle  Money, cocktail waitress, nanny, or self-explorer, Nikki sans Juan Pablo but with a newly enhanced bosom, Catherine’s weird cape, and a bunch of other people whom you can’t remember but you’re 99% certain they are either a free spirit, cocktail waitress, nanny, or shopping enthusiast.

But let’s focus on Prince Farming.  I may or may not have understood the Prince Farming nickname for a full 24 hours.

The scene changes to Farmer Chris cruising down the Arlington highway on his hog.  Maybe the show wanted to make him appear a little more edgy?  Either way, his hog pulls up to the farm (where no actual livestock reside- a fact some of the ladies should have researched).  The camera pans to the family rock, marking the property:

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We’re soules-mates. Here is my family farm rock (with the name redacted because frankly, we’re not soul mates):

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The b-roll footage shows Farmer staged in front of various picturesque barns contemplating his journey to find love.  It’s time for the farming/ love analogies.  Farmer says, “Love is a lot like farming,” and then I stopped listening.  If I had to guess it would include the words seed, water, pesticides, growing, something beautiful.  Is there ever a scenario where the Bachelor can’t make an analogy to the Bachelor’s profession and love?  How about a coroner?  “Love is a lot like performing autopsies: you need to be willing to really look inside someone to find what you’re looking for.”  True.

Anyway, Farmer really digs life on the farm but as much as he loves organic alfalfa, Arlington lacks young women and an adequate hair dresser.  So for all the ladies out there hailing from LA and New York, if you are interested in moving to a 400 person town, median age 67, demographic 99.9% caucasian, 65% male, 100% pick-up trucks, and hot topics include the price of corn, then Arlington is the town for you!  Oh and on a side note: Beef Cake Cody is Farmer’s trainer.  I might have spit out my water when he appeared on-screen.

With Beef Cakes help, Farmer Chris has the muscles it takes to drive his hog cross-country to LA to find his wifey.  We get one brief shot of Farmer’s recently developed upper torso in his outdoor shower (because, why not) and it’s off to the mansion for him to be sized up like a piece of meat.  I can’t possibly devote time to each and every waitress vying for the opportunity to move to Iowa and receive the Kate Gosslin hair style, so instead I’ll focus on the most memorable.

Most Likely to Win the Physical Fitness Test:

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{photo source:http://abc7news.com/entertainment/chris-soules-begins-his-journey-on-the-bachelor/463009/}

Guys.  I had one resolution in 2014.  Just one.  And I failed.  I didn’t even get close.  I wanted to be able to do three pull ups consecutively by the end of the year.  Guess how many I could do when the year came to an end?  Zero.  Zilch.  In fact it hurt my hands just hanging on the bar.

This chick is clearly sippin’ what’s in Cody’s Kool Aid.  Her name is Jillian, she’s a news producer from DC, and her thighs can crush your skull if you stare too long.  She did like 5 pull ups on camera with EXTRA weight dangling between her legs.  Like 50 extra pounds.  She’d probably be able to bale some serious hay on the farm.

Most Likely to Need an Eye Patch:

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{photo source:http://www.eonline.com/news/509848/orange-is-the-new-black-s-crazy-eyes-i-was-a-figure-skater-for-10-years}

Oh how I love thee Crazy Eyes!  Who here can’t wait for season three of Orange is the New Black?!

No but really.  This chick.  Her eyes.  She’s a ballerina named Amanda with the biggest, buggiest eyes this side of the Mississippi.  And she’s annoying to boot.  During her “get to know you” package, Buggy Ballerina said she lives at home with her mom because she doesn’t have to pay rent, and doesn’t have to clean or cook.  Woman, you best learn to cook for your man STAT.  Kidding. Mostly.  But I mean really, I think cooking and cleaning will be expected duties on the farm.

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{photo source:  http://www.celebuzz.com/photos/chris-soules-on-the-bachelor-premiere-recap/amanda-eyes/}

Her eyes also remind me of Ramona from the Real Housewives.  They are big eye bugging soul mates.

Of course when it’s time for Buggy Ballerina to meet Farmer, she shows up wearing an I Dream of Jeannie costume, makes Chris cover his eyes and pretends to be his secret admirer.  I half expected her to get out of the limo and start singing “I’m a genie in a bottle baby, gotta rub me the right way honey.”  I felt disappointed when she didn’t.  But she didn’t disappoint me when she said this:  “Chris is dead sexy. His smile! Oh! It’s just a panty dropper.”

Amanda has great depth to her. I can tell because she says things like “I can’t wait to talk to him so I can tell him, like, you’re super hot.”  She gets her opportunity alone with Chris and her strategy is to make “goo goo eyes,” at him the whole time.  Farmer Chris starts to wish she had remained a mystery.

Most Likely To Remain in LA and Absolutely Hate Iowa and All Things Farming:

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{photo source:http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/19-bachelorette-britt}

It’s beautiful-hugging-waitress-is-that-really-your-hair-Britt!   Britt is number one out of the limo and embraces Farmer Chris like he just got back from three tours in Afghanistan.  She even pants loudly as though Chris’ embrace is the key to her survival.  I wanted to yell “END SCENE!” because it felt like a soap opera audition.  I mean just when you thought a hug couldn’t go on any longer, it did.

Most Likely to be an Organ Donor 

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{photo source: https://us.beamly.com/exclusives/2015/01/06/the-bachelor-limo-entrances/}

Reegan.  The cadaver tissue saleswoman.  Hey she would be perfect for my hypothetical coroner bachelor!  She greets Chris with a biohazardous red cooler, filled with a fake, yet disgusting, heart.  As she opens the cooler to expose a gelatinous, bloody looking blob, Chris starts to feel his whiskey rise in his throat and Reegan quickly shuts the cooler.  She assures the green-faced farmer that it’s just a joke.  Limo greeting fail, Reegan.  Nobody likes organs when they aren’t properly inside your body.  Farmer Chris quickly realizes he and Reegan have vastly different professions that both involve “harvesting.”

The One Most Likely to Need the ABC Psychotherapist/ The One Most Likely to Receive Roses at Producers’ Direction

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{photo source: http://observer.com/2015/01/the-bachelor-morning-after-rose-ceremony-week-1/ }

It’s 24-year-old hairstylist Ashley!  She’s so special, she gets two awards!  Ashley.  Ugh.  She greets Chris with a sour expression but says, “I’m so happy to see your face.”  Um. Are you?  That is not the expression of happiness; it looks more like you’ll cut him if he crosses you.

Ashley starts to become majorly insecure when she doesn’t get some one on one time with Farmer.  She complains, “the night is getting old.  With wrinkles.”  Her eyes start to resemble ol’ crazy eyes.  Soon, Ash is rambling on about how every person is like an onion.  She says, “when you cut them, you peel them back.”  Told you she’ll cut you.

I’m not sure if she’s drunk, drugged, weird, or all of the above but something funky is going on with this lady.  Ashley starts yelling at the camera man to look at the onion (as she points off camera), “take a look at this freaking onion” she says more forcefully.  Finally, curiosity gets the best of Ashley and she picks the “onion” and discovers it is a…pomegranate.

The Most Likely To Get Censured the Most/ The Most Likely to Skinny Dip

KAITLYN

{photo source:http://www.eonline.com/photos/14461/the-bachelor-season-19-meet-chris-soules-ladies/440499}

Kaitlyn is this season’s Canadian and girl has a mouth on her like she just stepped out of the trailer park.  She greets Farmer with this gem: “I’d let you plow the f*** out of my field any day.”  Classy classy broad that Kaitlyn.  Chris is stunned silent.  Just stunned.  His little wholesome Iowa ears can’t even comprehend.  Later, Kathy makes another off-color joke about a tight seal and there is a horrified gasp amongst the ladies.  So that’s her thing.

The Most Likely To Get Pushed Off the Boat

Carly

{photo source:http://i0.wp.com/www.trashtalktv.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/Carly.jpg}

Carly.  Enough said.

Some other memorable shout-outs include the wrestler who wore a doily and called it a dress (it shouldn’t have even passed as a shirt), the girl in the pig nose, and the drunken cowgirl Tara whose best friends include Jameson, Johnny and Jack.  So many gems, so little time.

Chris is optimistic about this selection.  He tells head Chris, “if this doesn’t work, I don’t know what will.”  It’s almost like he’s never seen this show.

The first impression rose goes to hugger Britt.  Incidentally, she also got the first kiss. On the FIRST NIGHT.  Is that a Bachelor first?

Who do you guys like?  I like Jade from Nebraska, guidance counselor Kelsey, Britt (they will never ever be together in a million years but she has a big personality and have I mentioned her hair? Only 10 times).  I feel like this “crop” has so many beautiful women.  Tough pickin’ Farmer!

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Fiance Type Stuff

Last Monday night I had big decisions to make.  What did I want to chow down on while I watched the Bachelorette finale?  Carbs?  Chinese food?  A gyro?  Pizza?  The possibilities seemed endless.  Finally my friends and I settled on burgers.  The kind with cheese oozing out of the middle of them.  I took my time in the kitchen plating the food from their greasy take-out boxes when all the sudden, from the other room, one of my friends started yelling, “THERE’S NO RECAP.  IT’S ON.”

Unprecedented.  Since when does this show just start without a 15-20 minute recap of the past ten weeks?  Don’t we need to hear how hard this week is going to be and what an amazing journey Andi’s had and how confident she is that one of the last two will make an amazing husband?

Chris Harrison welcomes us with live commentary.  He tells the audience that the man who was rejected is stalking Andi.  The broken-hearted reject traveled to Mexico and the Men Tell All to confront Andi.  Andi refused to talk to him both times.  Now, the reject is required to keep a minimum distance of 100 feet between him and Andi and he is to have no unavoidable contact with her.  He is not allowed to text, Facebook, email, call, write, or send aerial messages (Farmer Chris style).  Failure to comply with said conditions will result in an immediate casting in Bachelor in Paradise.

Nick Meets the Andi’s 

Anyway, as I said, there is NO RECAP.  It’s time to jump right in with all the roses.  Up first?  Nick.  Nick puts on his tightest shirt (which I think I might own) and tightest pair of shorts and heads over to meet Hy and the rest of the family.  Nick brings flowers for Momma Patti, scotch for Daddy Hy and nothing for Andi’s sister.  Come on Nick, you gotta win over sisters too. We like gift cards to Target, wine, massages (from professionals – not from you.  Ew.) and Chris Harrison.  Any of those options would have been acceptable for sister Rachel.

Right off the bat, Hy is not impressed.  Nick is nervous, boring, and sweaty.  Patti notices that Nick is nervous and not affectionate towards Andi.  Nick starts mumbling at lunch and everyone looks bored to tears.  Nick tells the camera, “the worst thing that could happen today is they think I’m a jackass.”  I’m not sure they think you are a jackass yet, Nick.  That comes later.  All in good time.

Nick tells Andi’s mom he loves Andi and nobody else will ever make him feel that way.  Momma Patti starts to cry.  Tears of joy?  Or tears of fear?  Meanwhile, Andi pulls Rachel aside to over share about kissing Nick.  I get distracted because Rachel looks familiar.  And then I realize she’s Jasmine.

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Nick asks scary Daddy Hy for his blessing to marry Andi.  He laughs the whole time while seeking permission and Hy reluctantly says “if y’all two choose each other, that would be wonderful.”  Andi pulls Hy aside and tells him not to worry.  No way in heck will she pick that dude.

Josh Meets the Andi’s

It’s time for the fam dam to meet Josh.  Josh could have used some steroid shots because that boy is sweatin’ like a pig.  But no worries because Josh chose to wear the exact same outfit as Hy – a silky blue button down and some white shorts.  Except Josh thought he’d leave his shirt unbuttoned down to his belly button.  Cute.  And he also decided to steal a pair of Andi’s white Bermuda shorts.  Flowers for Momma Patti and lung cancer sticks for Hy.  Come on, Josh.  It looks like Hy could use a plate of broccoli and a couple laps in the pool, not cigars.

I’m sort of in love with Andi’s crop top and cute patterned blue skirt.  Momma Hy says Josh is boisterous and chaotic.  What a ringing endorsement!

Jasmine Rachel has a sea turtle tattoo.

Josh’s teeth.  Seriously.  So white.

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They remind of the time Ross whitened his teeth:

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In fact, they sort of look alike.

Hy gives Josh his blessing to shack up with his daughter.  Josh is so excited.  He runs back to his hotel to apply more hair gel and whitening strips in anticipation of his last date with Andi.

Josh’s Last Supper

The best thing to wear on your last date with Andi, to give one last final impression, is the most hideous, bargain bin, bro-tank.  Ugh.  He just needs a keg cup in hand to complete the look.  What a frat boy.  They go on a boat.  Boring boring boring.  Andi’s hair is blowing around.  Boring. More boat.

Josh writes Andi a letter and reads it to her.  Can’t she read it to herself?  Josh makes Andi her own baseball card with her stats.  The card says “Andi Murray,” which is Josh’s last name.  Cute Josh, cute.  A lot more fun than the weird gift Nick’s about to give Andi.

Nick’s Last Supper

Nick doesn’t wear a bro-tank for his final date with Andi but he does chose an equally unfortunate outfit.  Blue on blue.  Did they have to send the wardrobe department home early?  Come on.  These outfits are not acceptable.

Andi is taking Nick off-roading in a Jeep for their last adventure.  Second Jeep of the season.  New sponsor? Nick drives like 10 MPH and Andi fake screams in excitement.  They head to a private lagoon for a picnic.  Nick leans in to kiss Andi.  Andi pushes him away.

Back at Andi’s casa, Nick breathes deeply and is on the edge of having a nervous breakdown.  He can’t believe the 9 weeks are already over.  9 WEEKS?  Seriously, I have a gallon of milk in my fridge that’s over 9 weeks old (ok, that’s a lie.  Everyone knows I guzzle milk like nobody’s business).  But 9 weeks does not an engagement make.

Andi tells Nick he should be confident.  Nick says Andi is giving him all the signs.  Kate says uh oh.

Maybe Andi was legitimately considering Nick…until he gave her the world’s ugliest necklace.  It’s a pendant filled with sand on a ridiculously thin long chain from one of the 10000 beaches they went to.  Andi is so mortified she flings it onto her neck so she doesn’t have to look at it.  Again, she wonders why the personal shopper didn’t help Nick with the final gift.

So who will she pick?  The bigger question is who won’t she pick.

Neil pops in to give let Josh peruse his collection of gaudy, costume jewelry rings.  Josh picks one fit for Las Vegas and Neil buffs it up nice and shiny on his chest hair.  All is right in the world.

And then with a couple knocks on Nick’s door, his fate is sealed.  There will be no Neil Lane for Nick.  There will be no “will you accept this rose” for Nick.  There will only be the memory of fiancé type things (more on that later), potentially an STD, and regret over giving Andi something that a 7th grader would give his crush (the fairytale book AND the sand necklace).

Andi walks into Nick’s hotel room.  She’s a little surprised he’s wearing a shirt made out of the table-cloth from their picnic yesterday but she’s got bigger things to worry about.

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Andi tells Nick that she woke up this morning and didn’t think things were right.  Nick stays mum and Andi starts repeating over and over again, “It’s not right.  It’s not what I envisioned.  It’s not right.”  Andi tries SO HARD to shed tears but none come.  She tells Nick that he over analyzes every single thing and that she can’t have fun with him.  Nick asks if this is about them or someone else?  Andi just shrugs.  Nick tells Andi she took things too far.  She sure did take things too far.  All the way to funky town.

Just like that, ABC managed to make it rain.  Do you think they purposely made Andi dump Nick when they knew it was about to rain?  It’s just too perfect.

Back in the hotel room, Nick packs his tiny little suitcase and chucks his old roses into the hotel trash can.  Who needs those.  Nick gets into the rejection SUV and says he feels like such a fool.  Meanwhile, Andi enlists the help of her glam squad, cause it’s engagement time y’all!

The Final Rose Ceremony

Ten bucks says she picks Josh.  Or is your money on Chris Harrison? I am in LOVE with Andi’s dress.  I think it’s gorgeous and beautiful on her.  Wouldn’t it make such a great beachy wedding dress?  They should just get hitched now!

I wish I could say the same about Josh’s outfit.  What. in. the. world.  How TIGHT is that suit?  He’s bulging out of it.  It’s so ill-fitting.  Did his get mixed up with Nick’s?  Is he trying to channel the incredible hulk?  While I’m contemplating how soon it will be before the whole thing rips open, Josh launches into a well-rehearsed, memorized soliloquy.  Did he have a teleprompter?  Who knew he was capable of memorizing all those lines.  Andi tells Josh she loves him and like a dutiful soldier, Josh takes his cue and drops to one knee.  The Neil Lane slips onto Andi’s finger and Andi can’t help but stare at her new bling.  Josh is sweating bullets.  Seriously, he might need to have his glands checked out.  He must be so thirsty!

So Andi and Josh live happily ever after.

But Nick?  Not so happily ever after.  Especially once the order for no contact went into effect.

After the Final Rose 

After my friends and I consumed more grease than we thought humanly possible, we convinced my lovely boyfriend to run out and get us shakes to help us through the next hour.  There may or may not have been a cheers to Chris Harrison involved:

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But back to the show.  Here’s what we learn:

1)  Nick is back in Milwaukee (holler to the MKE!) and can’t wake up from this nightmare.

2) He’s having a hard time letting go of something so special.  He’s not over her.

3)  Nick’s mom has a nose piercing.  And cries when she thinks of Nick hurt.

4) Nick decides the best way to tell Andi she’s making a mistake is to try stalking her.  He flies to the Men Tell All (filmed long after the engagement) to try to talk to Andi.  Andi says oh heck no and Nick is denied access.

5)  Chris Harrison’s dressing room is filled with 50 shirts — all shades of blue.  Not to be confused with  50 Shades of Gray.

6) Chris Harrison delivers a letter to Andi on behalf of Nick.  Not without first reading it out-loud to all the crew and having a good chuckle.

It’s time to bring out Andi.

Nick stumbles over his words for 15 minutes and when it’s Andi’s turn to talk she says she wasn’t in love with him and never told him she loved him.  Nick says that’s hard to hear and the hardest part is “I guess you know like, knowing how in love with you I was, if you weren’t in love with me, I’m just not sure why you, you made love with me.”

And that’s when an audible gasp came from my living room and I received the following text message from my best friend:

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It. just. got. interesting.  I mean we KNOW what goes on in the fantasy suite but nobody ever SAYS it!  Until now.  Andi’s reaction?  Not impressed. She tells Nick his comment was below the belt.  Nick says, yes that’s exactly what happened.  It was all below the belt.  Andi says the things she did with him and said to him were real.  That position?  Totally real.

Nick says the things they did together were “fiancé type of stuff.”  Geez.  What did they do?  What is strictly reserved for your fiancé?  Andi is fuming.  She tells him that she does way more fun things with her real fiancé.

Here’s my theory: Andi broke up with Nick after the fantasy suite night and all the love makin’ because Nick was bad in bed.

Regardless I see both sides of this situation.  I think it’s a tad gross that Andi had sex with two different men back to back.  But I also think Nick didn’t need to kiss and tell.  And I really do think it’s possible that Andi might have picked Nick but for his performance that night…

As for Andi and Josh?  They actually seem really in love!  Kind of cute.  I’ll for sure blog about their wedding.  Let’s just hope it’s not another “grown sexy” themed wedding.

Thanks “y’all” for reading this season.  Will you guys watch Bachelor in Paradise?  I will give it a shot.  Unsure about blogging about it.  Thoughts?  Who should be the next Bachelor?  Chris Harrison?  Farmer Chris?  Bad in bed Nick?  Until next time!

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