I Know You’ve Swallowed Bigger Things Than That

I don’t know about you but I’m feeling pretty darn grown sexy today.  If you have no idea what I’m talking about, consider yourself lucky.  But back to Juan Pablo, who is desperately hoping to find the light to his bug…

Like every good Bachelor love story, the journey aventura to find love, requires a journey– literally.  The remaining 13 never gonna happen potential step-mothers travel to Seoul, South Korea.  I can only hope that 90% of these chicks end up lost and on the wrong side of the DMZ.  Could you imagine any of these people sentenced to hard labor in North Korea? I don’t even think Kim Jong Un would want them.

When the girls find out they are headed to SK, they all shriek and scream and Sharleen displays emotion for the first time EVER.  Is it weird that mentioning South Korea made the girls far more excited than any mention of Juan Pablo?

Clare is totally overjoyed with the prospect of the trip but is really bummed that she “doesn’t even have a kimono!”  You know, the traditional Japanese garment?  Listen Clare, I know you probably aren’t headed to a career with the State Department but come on.  Put the peroxide down.

You know what would be an actual test of a relationship?  Traveling the way the rest of us do.  Flying in coach (which always reminds me of the 3rd class of Titanic), staying in gross hotels (like the time my bed smelled like vomit but my mom didn’t believe me and told me to go to sleep only to discover hours later that there was, in fact, vomit all over the bed.  Thanks for that one mom), eating on the cheap, getting totally lost, and hating your travel companion.  That’s the real deal.  I could fall in love with a door knob if I got to travel with ABC footing the bill and making the arrangements.  Even without a kimono!

The girls land in KOREA with more stuff than I own in my entire apartment.  Was anyone else hoping they’d play the MASH theme song when they landed?  Probably just my family.

First Group Date: Blondes Only Please (and one token brunette) 

Nurse Nikki is irritated that she has to go on a group date.  She’s doesn’t have sisters and so she’s not used to sharing her boyfriend.  She has a strange idea of what it’s like to have sisters.  I have a whole bunch of them and we’ve never had to share boyfriends.  I guess I’ll consider myself lucky.   JP borrows an extra pair of the girls’ capri length yoga pants for the date.  All the other girls pick out their best LuLu yoga pants to match and meet Juan Pabs at a Korean entertainment studio, home of K-Pop.  That’s actually sort of a perfect nickname for myself.  I think I’ll start calling myself that.  But really, I have no idea what K-Pop is.  I’m assuming it stands for Korean Pop?  Oppa Gangnam Style. The girls will be dancing with Korean’s most famous K-Pop group, 2NE1 (21).  I guess I thought that guy who gave us that super annoying song I just referenced was the most famous K-Pop group, but I stand corrected.  None of the girls have any idea who 2NE1 is but they are all excited when Juan Pablo references the Spice Girls.

Kat starts dancing wildly while singing to Juan Pablo, “yo, I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really really want….”  Nurse Nikki cannot stand sharing her boyfriend and yells at Kat to stop monopolizing JP with her lame Spice Girls rendition.  (Most of these girls are probably too young to even appreciate the amazingness of the Spice Girls.  My 6th grade besties and I had the BEST dance to Wannabe).

The main girl from 2NE1 tells the girls they are going to teach them some of their correography moves.  Did anyone else think she looked and sounded exactly like Snooki?  I think this group is secretly from Jersey.  Kat, who has been dancing since before she could walk, is thrilled with this date.  She uses the opportunity to showcase her cheerleader moves, hip-hop and jazz all at once. Yay for high-kicks! Nikki does her best “sprinkler,” and vows not to “pout” and “throw a giant fit” like she kind of wants to.  Way to be mature about this Nurse Nikki.  The girls learn some dance moves, Kat dances her k-pop butt off, Nikki glares at her and rolls her eyes, and the ex-NFL dancer Cassandra demonstrates why she’s an “ex” NFL dancer.  Seriously, shouldn’t she be a great dancer?  I don’t understand!  In a SHOCKING twist, the girls find out they will be joining 2NE1 on stage as “backup dancers” at the local mall where 150,000 screaming prepubescent teenagers will be screaming for One Direction 2NE1.  More Nikki glaring, more Kat dancing.

At the after party, Nurse Nikky continues to be a Negative Nancy, saying that Kat acts one way when the cameras aren’t around and then says, “who wants some guacamole,” when the cameras are around.  I’m not totally sure what that means.  You’d have to see the clip.  Nikki is starting to annoy me.  Is it editing?  Or is she just kind of snotty?   She calls Kat fake and says nobody can be that “on” all the time.  Well, if you are naturally a debbie downer, that’s true -you cannot comprehend happiness.  Nikki uses her alone time to whine to JP and proves again that whining works.  She tells the camera, “this isn’t a game for me.”  Oh, taking a line from AshLee!  This isn’t just some silly little game! Rose for Nikki.

Second Date: Sharleen, Are You My Seoul Mate? 

The answer to that is a resounding NO.   Sharleen puts on her puffiest pair of shorts and a pair of black sheer nylons and declares herself ready to explore Seoul — the city and JP’s.  They eat some exotic food and then head to a tea-house for some unenthusiastic conversation.  It was like this:

• Sharleen: [monotone] I have the most random degree in music.
• JP: That’s ok, it’s what you do for a living.  I can’t wait to hear you sing.
• Sharleen:  UGH.
• Sharleen: [monotone] You are kinda cheeky.  It makes you interesting.  And Not. Bland.*
• JP:  Bland?
•  Sharleen: [monotone] It means you aren’t devoid of flavor. Learn English.  UGH.
• Sharleen: [even more monotone] You are not bland.  And that is a very good thing (uttered in the most uninterested way possible).

*Footnote: I believe the psychological term for this is projecting, because Sharleen is in fact, insanely bland.  Plain white rice has more flavor than Sharleen.

After tea, JP takes Sharleen to some empty square so Sharleen can sing a few lines from The Little Mermaid.  Sharleen proclaims she NEVER does this on a first date.  EVER.  But for him, she does it.  Then they do their awkward make-out thing.  They head to dinner where basically Sharleen says she doesn’t like children, including his.  For some reason she still gets the rose. Cold fish.

Third Date: Korean Karaoke, Fishy Feet and Brunettes Only (one token blonde)

How the heck is the dog-lover still on this show?  Geesh.  The first stop is to sing a little Korean karaoke.  The girls yell and giggle, it’s just like, so much fun.  Next JP takes the girls to a place called Dr. Fish where the fish eat the dead skin off their feet.  Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, is all I heard for the next 5 minutes of this date.  So much shrillness.  Then they wander the streets of Seoul and eat exotic foods.  Clare fakes repulsion and finally agrees to eat a piece of octopus before fake gagging.  Kelly, the dog lover, is annoyed, “her piece was literally this big (holding fingers together to demonstrate size), and I know you’ve swallowed bigger things than that.”  Oh snap.

When darkness falls, the girls head to a cocktail party with Juan Paul.  JP pulls Renee aside first for some one-on-one time.  Renee tells the camera that she hasn’t had the opportunity to kiss him yet, but she’s hoping tonight’s the night (in the word’s of Rod Stewart).  Renee asks Juan Pablo what Cameeeela would think if she saw her kiss him?  Juan Pablo deflects and asks what her son would think?  Then he tells her he needs to set a good example for Cameeeeela.  He tells the camera he’s already kissed six (6) girls so far and so he better stop locking lips with everyone who asks.  You know what doesn’t seem like a good example (well besides being on this show to begin with and running around kissing 6 people), using your child as the excuse when really, you’re just not into Renee.  He tells Renee he’s not in a hurry and let’s her down gently.  Renee respects him but compares not kissing Juan Pablo to being waterboarded.  She actually said “torture,” so I used the opportunity to insert a form of recognized torture.

As the girls sit around talking about kissing Juan Pablo, the seed is planted in Lauren’s mind that maybe it’s time to try to kiss him too.  Lauren pulls him aside and asks him to dance with her.  Considering he’s told the camera 27 times that his future wife needs to enjoy dancing, you’d think she’d be speaking his language (finally).  But he’s just not into it.  In her best Spanish she asks him for a kiss, to which he replies, “sorry.”  Oh man.  My heart sank for her.  And my rage against him grew.  She asks why?  And he said, “I have a daughter, and I don’t want her to see Daddy kissing a bunch of other girls.”  Um.  I’m sorry.  Did I hear that correctly?  You don’t want her to see you kissing a bunch of people, even though you’ve ALREADY KISSED SIX?  How dumb do you think Lauren is?  She knows you’ve kissed all those people, you stupido.  The rejection was palpable.  What I really hate about this is that she was really vulnerable and his rejection of her was cruel.  He can kiss whomever he wants but you can’t tell her you don’t want to kiss her because of Cameeeeela.  As we see 15 seconds later while you chew on Clare’s bottom lip, Cameeeeeela isn’t going to stop you from kissing anyone.

For the record, here’s who JP has kissed on camera:

• Cameeeeeeeeeela
• Des
• Sharleen
• Clare
• Andi
• Cassandra
• Chelsea
• Nurse Nikki
• Chris Harrison
• Not Lauren or Renee

Rose for Andi.  Rejection for Lauren.  Poor thing.  You’re too normal for this nonsense anyway.

Rose Ceremony 

Monotone Sharleen is very happy to have a rose tonight.  Even if her voice doesn’t register emotion, she’s still very happy.  Nikki borrows a dress from her 14 year old sister and asks the dog lover to sew her into it.  She says that just because she has the rose does not mean she’s forgoing her time with Juan Pablo tonight.  It’s her time to be selfish, gosh darn it.  During the one-on-one time Nikki becomes paranoid that Juan Pablo is hinting at drama in the house.  Nikki declares war on Clare who was just talking to Juan Pablo before Nikki interrupted.  Nikki tells the Dog-lover about her conversation with Juan Pablo and her theory that Clare is bad-mouthing her .  Dog-lover uses the opportunity to stir the pot when Clare sits down with her and Nikki.

• Dog Lover: Umm, I feel really awkward.
• Clare: Why?
• Dog Lover: Because Nikki says that you hate her.
• Clare:  What?
• Dog Lover:  You told Juan Pablo that Nikki is causing drama in the house. I feel super awkward sitting between you guys because it is like, really tense.  And I didn’t even cause any of this drama. I’m just a dog-lover.
• Clare:  I have no idea what you’re talking about.
• Dog Lover:  So tense.
• Clare:  Ok whatever.   Juan Pablo and I just make out when we’re together.  We never talk.

Dog lover is a real female dog, if you know what I mean.  Why is she still ON this show?

When the roses are handed out, Lauren and Elise are left empty handed.  How amazing was Juan Pablo’s lip-syncing to K-Pop at the end of the night?  It was the most I’ve ever liked him.

This Sucks, I mean do I look athletic at all?

Can someone please wake me up when it’s hometown dates?  Because I just fell asleep.  What a snooze fest! Is Juan Pablo the most boring bachelor in the history of bachelors?  I think I’d have a more interesting time watching paint dry.  Or watching the grass grow.  Or rewatching Jake Pavelka’s season.  But for you, my hopefully equally judgmental loyal readers, I will persevere and give you what you came here for: snark and sarcasm (are those the same things?)  Remind me to research that.

It’s week three at El Grande Casa (does that roughly translate into mansion in Spanish?  I haven’t a clue; I took German.  If anyone is interested, mansion in German is villa, which is oddly disappointing for a German word.  I think it should be more like großhaus, which translates to big house.)  Wow, I have deviated majorly off course!  Anyway, half the girls are bummed their “boyfriend” is dating “25 other girls,” half the girls really hope a modeling agency is watching the show, and another half of the girls is convinced Juan Pablo is “the one.”  I realize that three halves is more than a whole but I’m a lawyer, not a mathematician.  In sum, the show is as predictable as Miley Cyrus’ tongue sticking out in every photo.  She’s just bein’ Miley.  So what happened this week?  Well there were two one-on-one dates, a group date, an impromptu breakfast/ pool party, crying, and a wholeeeee bunch of awkwardness.  This week I’m focusing on the top five most awkward moments in order from least awkward (level of awkwardness example: I’d rather run into someone who took me on the world’s worst date than re-watch what just happened) to most awkward (level of awkwardness example: I’d rather have to seek  a paternity test from three people than re-watch what just happened.  Just so the record is clear, that statement was for shock purposes only.  I’d actually consider flinging myself off a bridge if that were my life.  The point is, that’s pretttty awkward yet less awkward than the MOST awkward thing that happened last night.  Confusing much?)  So without further ado:

5. Cassandra’s Last Date

Cassandra received the first one-on-one date with Juan Pablo.  Juan Pablo says he won’t waste her time if he knows he doesn’t “feel it” because she has a bambino.  He’s totally fine wasting everyone else’s time though.  Cassandra is thrilled because she tells us 15 times that she hasn’t been on a date in 3 years.  Just for your recollection, Cassandra is 21.  Yes, you read that correct- 21 years old.  Like not old enough to rent a car .  And she has a two year old.  So her last date was when she was 18.  18!  The first year she could legally vote for a president.  She was also probably still in high school.  I can only assume her baby daddy is the last date she had.  Apparently that was a verrrrrry good date.  Awkward.

Besides the awkwardness that ensues when Cassandra reminds us she was only 18 years old three years ago, I did have slight date envy (if I could pick my own date- not Juan Pablo).  How fun was that water-car?!  Or a “Wisconsin duck,” as they call it where I come from.  Anyone who has been to the Wisconsin Dells knows what I’m talking about.  Hey, maybe they should travel to the Dells!  Plenty of bikini wearing opportunities.   Cassandra giggles a ton and in between giggles declares this the best date ever.  Any date that involves creepy crotch grinding disguised as “salsa” with a stranger is usually the best date ever. Amirite?  (Mom, that’s internet lingo for “am I right.”)  Oh my gosh.  And did you see her PANTS?!  That’s awkward just on their own.  Did she paint them on?  Is it body paint?

Rose for Cassandra, baby Trey, and those tight tight pants.  This is awkward too:

That must have been right after her last date!

4.  Kelly’s Make-Up

We knew it was only a matter of time before ABC incorporated a soccer date into the show.  Juan Pablo and his “ladies” head to the LA Galaxy stadium for a friendly game of soccer.  And you know what I always find necessary for a good game of soccer?  Make up.  And lots of it.  Like a clown.  Or a drag-queen.

Kelly tells the camera, “This sucks, I mean do I look athletic at all?  And those balls hurt.”  No Kell, you definitely don’t look athletic.  You look like you’re ready to enter the Key West 11:00 PM drag-queen show.

Obviously make up is Miss Kelly’s thang.  Later in the episode, Juanny stops by the mansion to cook the girls breakfast, hoping to see them in their “natural” states.  Much to Kelly’s horror, she encounters Juan Pablo before she had time to “put on her face.”  Her clown face I guess.  Kelly, you actually looked MUCH cuter in your glasses and PJs than with the make-up caked on.

3.  Elise Calls Chelsie a Little Girl 10000 times

Elise is convinced she will get the second one-on-one date with JP because she’s a woman, not a little girl.  The date card finally arrives and Elise is ecstatic that it’s finally her time for a date.  She envisions the perfect night ahead when all the sudden her dream is interrupted by the name “Chelsie.”  Elise’s jaw drops.  She quickly closes it when she realizes the ABC camera is zoomed in on her face.  She tells the camera everything went blank.  She  says, “I’m just not sure she’s [Chelsie] ready to be a step-mom.  She seems like a baby to me.”  Then she takes it a step further saying, “I don’t know if having another daughter is what he wants.”

Oh man, Elise.  You are pretty annoying.  You know what is not mature, wifely or motherly?  Constantly calling someone a little girl.  The only one who seems to fit that description right now is you!  Jealous much?  Shesh. And also, Juan Pablo might actually want another daughter.

The Little Girl Chelsie leaves for her date and Elise searches the mansion for anyone willing to listen to her little girl theory.  She finds, Cassandra, the 21 year old.  The youngest girl in the house.  We hear the same spiel again and it goes something like this:

• Elise: Chelsie is such an effing little girl.  She’s just so young!!
• Cassandra: I know, she is young, huh?
• Elise:  Yes, she’s like 25.  She can’t be a Mother.  Or a wife.
• Cassandra: Oh, but I’m younger than Chelsie.   I’m 21 AND a Mother.
• Elise: Yeah, but you look old.

4.  Juan Pablo Induces an Anxiety Attack and Doesn’t Even Care

The Little Girl, Chelsie, gets the second juan-on-juan date.  Juan Pablo explains that in a relationship trust is very important and he wants to see if she trusts him.  And because ABC loves to exploit people’s fears, JP takes Chelsie to a bridge to jump off.

Suddenly I feel like the little girl.  Whenever I did something moderately stupid (probably really stupid) and when pressed for an explanation for my behavior, I’d often whine, “but everyone was doing it!”  My mom would get mad and yell, “oh so if all your friends jumped off a bridge, you would too?”  I’m sure every kid was asked that by their parents at some point in their life. [crickets chirping].  No?  Just me?  Well I’ve since learned not jump off bridges, proverbial or otherwise, just because everyone else is doing it.

And I wish Chelsie’s mom would have asked her that question too.  As C & JP perch on the bridge’s ledge, Chelsie begins to shake and cry.  I am worried she might faint.  This is seriously what a panic attack looks like.  Somebody lay her down and get her feet in the air!  But instead of telling Chelsie she doesn’t have to jump off the bridge if it’s causing her this much anxiety, he says to her “just do it for me.”  And he tells her to trust him.

Trust you?  Um that doesn’t even make sense.  The only things to trust are the bungee cord and the safety harness.  How is a tandem jump a trust exercise?  Juan Pablo cannot control Chelsie plummeting to her death.  And also, I’d rather not plummet to my death strapped to a total stranger.  And you know what else I don’t want to do?  Go on a date that causes me an anxiety attack and when I tell my date this he says, “do it any way.”  Um no thanks!  Come si dice, “a-hole?”  Only after Chelsie is moments away from fainting does Juan Pablo tell her she doesn’t have to do it if she doesn’t really want to.  Suddenly, Chelsie has a change of heart and leaps off.  I can only assume ABC stopped by with some xanax.  Or body doubles.

Rose for trusting Chels.  I know that together Chelsie and Juan Pablo can overcome anything now.  Cue the groans.

And the most AWKWARD thing that happened this week that made me actually hide underneath my blanket begging for it to stop was…

5.  Sharleen’s God-awful Kiss

After the soccer date, JP leads Sharleen down to the soccer field for some juan-on-juan time.  Shar tells the camera, in the most monotone voice EVER that she’s nervous because “there’s just some chemistry there that you don’t find every day.”  Weird.  Two weeks ago you said you didn’t feel anything and didn’t think you should accept the rose.  You thought there would be more “insta-chemistry.”  Make up your mind.  For the record, I was also not very good at chemistry.  Elements are so hard!

Shar and JP sit down on a blanket and Shar tells JP she’s been thinking about the time they have and “how organic it feels.”  I seriously have no idea what that means.  Free of hormones?  No GMOs?  Natural?

PS – that’s an awesome song.  Anyway, the next thing that happened will be etched in my brain forever.  It’s like living through a traumatic moment and replaying it over and over and over again.  JP leans in to kiss Sharleen.  She leans away from him, licks her lips, then attacks him with her tongue.  I don’t even know what I just watched.  Juan Pablo doesn’t know what just happened either but he suddenly feels like he’s 15 again but not in a good way.   He abruptly ends the kiss.  Sharleen asks for a re-do after she says she’s “still trying to figure it out.”  Kissing?  Come on Sharleen.  You’re too old to be trying to “figure it out.”  Icky.  Round two was just as awful and gross.  Her mouth was disgustingly open while his was closed.  It was just so cringe-worthy.

Kelly, the dog lover, gives Sharlene this meme to make her feel better:

At the rose ceremony JP said goodbye to Free Spirit and Christy (who nobody remembered).  Let’s hope next week I don’t have to hide behind my blanket quite so many times.  What did you find awkward? Does anyone else think Sharleen needs to go?  Something just ain’t right with that sista.

 

That’s what life is about – straddling people. And things.

It’s week two at the mansh, amigos!  That means El Guapo (who LOVED the Three Amigos growing up and was stunned to learn “el guapo” means “handsome one” in Spanish? This girl!)  is one week closer to finding a new mama for Cameeeela.  And that  prospective new mommy is one step closer to becoming the next Bachelorette.  What tactics will be employed to try to land Mr. Pablo?  Full frontal nudity?  Check.  Tiny bikinis?  Check.  Straddling?  Check.  Teenage motherhood?  Check.  

Clare offers to frost Juan Pablo’s tips at no cost for the duration of the Bachelor in exchange for the first date.  He agrees with this arrangement; his hair isn’t going to dye itself.  JP arrives at La Casa Bach to pick up Clare in his ABC issued car.  Not nearly as cool as Des’ adorable aqua Bentley – are you slipping ABC?

Juan walks into the living room where 18 vultures women stalk their prey greet him.  They are almost all holding wine glasses but I assume they took turns taking tequila shots off of the Free Spirit’s stomach before JP arrived.  Clare puts on her best Amelia Earhart coat (in LA, in the summer) and they head out on their date. 

I heard aviation is huge this fashion season.  Instead of goggles, Juan decides it’s necessary to blindfold Clare during the car ride.  Clare instantly starts referencing 50 Shades of Gray and confesses to the camera she always hoped JP would be a little bit like Christian Gray.  JP says that as a Latin Lover he gives lots of surprises, which in this case included making poor Clare motion sick.  Not quite the blindfold experience she had in mind.  Despite Clare having to throw up out the window, Clare proclaims JP smells so good, “like Heaven in a bottle.”  But I suppose compared to vomit, he probably does smell pretty good.

To my surprise, Juan Pablo drives Clare all the way to Minnesota.  Now I’m really glad I’m not on this stupid show.  If I had flown all the way to LA and was taken to some fake snow scene, I think I would have freaked out.  I would have demanded an island date immediately.  But alas, the couple was actually still in LA.  They borrowed Hugh Hefner’s snow machine to create a winter wonderland (I may have seen an episode or two of the Girls Next Door to know that Hugh does in fact have a snow machine).  But Clare-bear is less cynical about cold than I am and she giggles like a school girl the entire time.  Seriously, it was nothing but “he-he-he-he-he-he-he,” for the entire date.

Meanwhile, back at La Casa Bach, Lucy is heating things up by soaking topless in the hot tub.  She decides it’s a good time to tell the girls about her bra burning rally she has planned next week on the driveway.  All Bachelor contestants, past and present, are encouraged to participate. Swimsuit tops are an acceptable item to burn too.

Back at the date Clare says this fairy-tale date is the best ever and it’s just fab.  She’s ready to marry Juan Pablo.  Clare turns the conversation serious and tells JP about her Father dying.  Pabs offers no condolences at ALL.  Apparently his heart is too frozen from the fake snow.  Rose for Clare. Clare takes that as in invitation to start aggressively making out with Juanny in the hot tub.  First hot tub make out of the season!  And because this show is stupidly predictable, a private concert suddenly starts with some unknown dude.  Ugh.  Clare declares this the best date she’s ever had.  She should just move to Minneapolis – every date involves snow Clare, starting with first pushing your car and a stranger’s out of the snow!

The second one-on-one date goes to Kat, with the world’s cutest dimples.  This date is so stupid I almost don’t want to write about it.  I think it’s officially the worse date in Bachelor history – I’d rather watch them do a stupid play in a park than see another date like this.  That’s sayin’ something because I HATE the play dates!  The date starts out promising on ABC’s private jet.  Until Juan P appears in some ugly neon light-up tracksuit midway through the flight.  Kat is contractually obligated to put on some equally obnoxious light-up clothes and the plane lands in… Utah.  He took her to the “Electric Run, ” which looks like the most annoying race on the planet (in case you are wondering, it’s $55.00 a person – to run 3.2 miles- dressed in neon).  The couple joins a giant mass of people all dressed up in neon and glow-things.  JP proceeds to jump around and scream like an annoying frat boy.  I never saw any actual running but apparently they did and at the conclusion of the “race,” Juan and Kat take the stage for more jumping and yelling.  What  a date.  I can’t believe I’m saying this (especially because I’m actually a runner) but I’d rather be on the fake Minnesota date.  Rose for Kat even though they never exchanged any words to each other.

Back at La Casa, the girls receive the third date card, which is a group date.  Lucy worries how she will get JP’s attention if she can’t flash him on the date.  I’m not sure Lucy makes the best hippy – a true bra burning hippy would never want JP to see her only as a sex object.  The girls put on their shortest dresses possible and join Juan Pablo on a date to shoot a photo campaign with dogs.  The creative director gives Lucy a fire-hydrant to wear for the shoot.  And then, in the lowest move by ABC in a long time, Andi and Elise, the only two people with legitimate careers, are told they will be posing nude for the shoot.  The first grade teacher and the attorney.  Nude.  Nada.

Elise resourcefully asks Lucy to trade “outfits.”  Lucy is thrilled to be nude.  Smart move Elise, smart move.  Meanwhile, Andi feels panicked at the thought of posing nude since you know, she puts people in jail for a living.  But Juan Pablo tells her to “trust him,” and with those two words, Andi throws her career out the window.  Who needs a JOB when you have 5 minutes of fame?!  Also, I would love to be in a negotiation with Andi – she seems willing to cave very very easily.

I am majorly questioning Andi’s judgment.  She just spend years and thousands of dollars on her education and she is willing to potentially jeopardize her entire career for this?  A photo shoot week two of the Bachelor?  Seriously?  I object!  Oh and Andi, do you really want to date a guy who makes you do stuff on a date that you are not comfortable with?  I don’t!  I want my date to respect my boundaries, but that’s just me.  I’m sure everyone in the courtroom will take you seriously now that this is out there:

Oh the little black privacy box of shame.  After the shoot, the group heads to an LA hotel rooftop bar.  Victoria decides it’s best to get an IV of alcohol because drinking the regular way always takes so long.  Cassandra nervously decides it’s time to tell Juan Pablo, the single dad, that she is a single mother.  Cassandra is very worried what JP will think.  Obviously it’s ok to be a single dad but not a single mother!  The horrors.  Or maybe she’s worried about what Juan Pablo will think knowing she’s only 21 (yes, 21!  AH!) and has an almost-two year old that she abandoned to come chase around some random dude.  Who cares about mother-child bonding when you’ve got Juan Pablo.

Back at the rooftop, Victoria starts slurring her words, “this is how I emmmm sobberrr.”  Drunk people always love to proclaim, “I’m not drunk!” as they fall down.  Getting defensive, Victoria tells the girls, “I’m just fun. Sober.”  In the least sober voice ever.  I can practically smell the booze through my computer screen.  In the confession cam, Victoria delivers the best line in Bachelor history, “if Juan Pablo is mine, I’m going to straddle him every dayyyyyy…cuz that’s what life is about – straddling people.  And things.”  Amazing Victoria, amazing.  Could I get that printed on an inspirational magnet?  Case in point:

Sadly due to an epic drunken breakdown in the bathroom, this is Vicky’s only chance to straddle JP.  But before the bathroom breakdown, Vicky sits alone in the rooftop hot tub and says that during the photo shoot, she gave JP the “hymen maneuver,” and thus deserves a rose.  Yes, you read that correctly (unless Vicky really did MEAN hymen maneuver and it’s just some new sex move?)  But then she says it again.  Oh Vicky.  Oh Vicky, Vicky, Vicky.  Mr. Heimlich himself probably needs a hymen maneuver after this. But Vicky’s gems don’t stop there.  She asks the camera, “whose legs do I have to hump around here to get some one-on-one time, huh?”  Well since you asked, I’d start with Chris Harrison!

When her system literally cannot handle it any more, Victoria runs to the bathroom to throw up cry.  Sweet Renee comforts hysterical, drunk Victoria.  Victoria declares she is DONE and wants to go home.  She exits the bathroom and tells the producers she is leaving.  They tell her she can’t leave without shoes and for her safety, she can’t leave.  Victoria throws up on a producer and they offer her some champagne to get the vomit taste out of her mouth.  Victoria is given a hotel room to pass out in for the night. Kelly, the dog lover, gets the rose– apparently for no other reason than she looked awful during the photo shoot:

The next day, Juan Pablo stops by the hotel to tell Victoria no amount of leg humping will get her one-on-one time anymore.  Victoria says, “I guess I should apologize for setting off the crazy train.  Welcome to Brazil!”  I’m sure all Brazilian women really appreciate being lumped in with you, crazy train.  You seem like you’d make an outstanding step-mother for Cameeeeeeeeeela.  Sorry Vicky but your sad sorry just won’t cut it.  Time to find someone else or thing to straddle.

At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Juan Pablo pulls Amy L. aside for some one-on-one time.  What happens next will scar me for life. Amy L. conducts a mock interview with Juan Pablo that leaves the audience stunned that some news network actually pays her to do this.  Seriously, she needs a new career.  It was so amateur – I felt like I was watching a 12-year-old version of myself.  And trust me, that’s just embarrassing.   I know a news station in northern Wisconsin that would be perfect for Amy.  This is Kate reporting live from the Bachelor rose ceremony, where Amy L. was just sent home without a rose.  Throwing it back to the studio!

No rose for you either Chantel.  But unlike Victoria and Amy, you left with your dignity intact, so for that reason, you are a winner.

See you next week, mi amores!

I want a man who wants to be rubbed by me

You guys!  It’s Juan-juary! And I have breaking Bachelor news.  I’m dating Juan Pablo.  And I have been for years.  Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Juan Pablo and me:

No?  Not the Juan Pablo you were expecting?  Technically he goes by John Paul, but for the next three months, he’ll be Juan Pablo to me.

So, back to that other Juan Pablo.  We’ve endured months and months waiting for shirtless shots of Juan working out on the beach Juan to meet what I can only assume will be the next Bachelorette his future wife and step-mother to his daughter, Cameeeeeeeeela.  My life feels so empty and meaningless when the Bachelor isn’t on TV.  During those dark months I never see enough tanned, shirtless, muscled men.  And I certainly never see any in the shower.  I also miss the comforting words of Chris Harrison, like “journey to find true love,” and “tonight, on the Bachelor,” and “the most dramatic rose ceremony in Bachelor history,” and “Emily, will you accept this rose?”   “please, take a moment and say your goodbyes.”  But what I miss the most are the girls who teach me so much, such as “this isn’t just some silly little game,” and always ALWAYS keep your sparkle.  So without further ado, it’s finally time to embark on Juan Pablo’s aventura (that’s adventure in Spanish, mom).

Because Juan’s body heats up even the coldest Minnesota winters, the Almighty Chris Harrison deemed it necessary for Juan to have 27 caliente bachelorettes to choose from rather than the standard 25 (only the unattractive bachelors need 25 to pick from, duh).  And it seems that Juan thinks the best step-mother for Cameeeeeeeela must have the following description:

• Bottled blonde hair (red heads need not apply)
• Large breasts (fake or natural, juan-derful either way)
• Age 26 (seriously, I calculated the mean.  I’m officially too old for that Juan)
• Must love empanadas (I don’t know what that is exactly, but I’d love it for you Jaun)
• Wears shoes (finally, I meet a criteria!)

Some of our Latin lover’s bachelorettes fall flat.  But some of them turn up the heat.  And because most of the girls looked like they were dressed like their high school prom, here are some superlative awards (you know, high school graduation style) given to the most memorable ladies:

Most Likely to Have Foot Fungus: 

And the award goes to…Lucy!

As an occupation, Lucy works as a “free loader spirit,” and free spirits don’t wear shoes!  Or make-up.  Or clothes.  Or, I can only assume, a paying job.  Let your freak flag fly, Lucy.  Just make sure you get yourself a good bottle of anti-fungal medication.  Lucy sings “be sure to wear some flowers in your hair,” while she twirls in a bed-sheet and sashays towards Juan– barefoot of course.  Juan thinks that Lucy might be a good playmate for Cameeeeela.  Rose for Lucy.

Side Note:  One of the girl’s occupations is listed as “dog lover.”  I might be mistaken, but I always thought occupation meant how do you make a living?  Dog loving does not a paycheck make, unless that’s just a cute title for veterinarian.

Most Likely to Be Voted Prom Queen:

Ladies and maybe one gentleman, we have a tie!  First is Christy from Illinois:

That’s prom-tastic.  Rose for Christy’s junior prom dress.  Second is Kylie, also from Illinois:

Maybe Kylie and Christy shopped together for their prom dresses at Deb or David’s Bridal.  Kylie reminded me of a real-life, adult version of Ariel (just with less natural red-hair and awful pink lipstick and matching nails):

Ariel Kylie sang “Part of Your World,” to Juan but Juan Pablo absolutely wanted her to stay underwater.  No legs rose, for you Kylie…not even when you thought Juan Pablo called your name during the rose ceremony.  Ouch.

Most Likely To Feel Comfortable Using Legal Jargon Every Day:

And the verdict is… Andi!

WHEREAS petitioner seeks to enter into a contractual marital  agreement with Juan Pablo (“the Bachelor”) pursuant to ABC Stat. 7:00(c)(18)(6), herein called the “Contract.”  Said Contract shall be executed on or about but not later than 6 (six) weeks from the juncture of petitioner and the Bachelor’s limo meeting.  WHEREAS petitioner and the Bachelor (“the parties”) shall be liable for any breach of said contract.  A breach of said contract includes but is not limited to failing to consummate the relationship on or about fantasy suite date night.  Further affiant sayeth naught.  Jury’s still out for Andi but Juan Pablo is willing to have the ABC attorneys look over Andi’s proposed contract.  (I realize that a prosecutor would never write a contract or anything of this nature…but the alternative was making jokes about illegal pat-downs and fruit of the poisonous tree.  Oh law school.  I miss you naught.)  Rose for prosecutor Andi.

Most Likely To Make Horrifying Sex Sounds:

Ooooooooooo.  Ahhhhhh.  Who could it beeeee…. oh please.  You know who.  It’s Amy J:

This is a classic example of “looks can be deceiving.”  How cute is she?  She looks wholesome, sweet, normal.  But when she insisted on massaging Juanny P in the driveway, with essential oils, over his suit, while making loud moaning sounds, I changed my mind. Fast.  Aye yae yae.  Is she going to pay for the dry cleaning bill to get those oils off his suit?  I would have freaked out if someone rubbed oils on my clothes!  During this awkward rub-down, Amy tells Juan Pablo that she thinks they have a lot in common.  Juan’s response?  Total silence.  The only noise I can hear is the ABC intern breathing heavily while trying to steady the microphone boom.  And Lauren crying.  If I had to pick two people with less in common, I would pick Amy J and Juan Pablo.  Juan Pablo probably has more in common with the shoeless girl, and that’s sayin’ something.  When we  met Amy J, she tells ABC producers, “I love to work people’s muscles.”  And this gem, “I want a man who wants to be rubbed by me.”   You rubbed him all right.  The wrong way.  No Rose.  Guess you’ll have to find someone else’s muscles to work.

Most Likely to Need the ABC Psychotherapist

This winner blew the competition way.  Nobody stood a chance.  The “winner” is…Lauren H:

Como si dice “train wreck?”  I mean that in the nicest way possible.  I should have noticed the warning signs during her pre-limo introduction.  You met a man a “little over a year ago,” got engaged, broke up, and are on the Bachelor?  All in a YEAR?!  That makes my head spin just thinking about it.  Slow down, Lauren, slow down.  Post-limo, I realize ABC picked you only to showcase an emotional breakdown.  I recognize the conversation with Juan Pablo might have been edited (I really hope you are able to say things other than just “right,” “yeah,” and “um,” over and over again) and might not accurately reflect the exchange you two had, but Lauren, my dear, those tears were REAL.  Also, your statement to Juan P, “I’m totally over it,”  only tells me that you are, in fact, not over it.  At all.  Not juan bit.  I read that your engagement ended 5 months before you went on the show.  I want to see your audition footage.  If you cried then too, sue ABC for intentional infliction of emotional distress.  In the meantime, while you work on  your damages, remember AshLee from Sean’s season?  Call her.  She’s got the good drugs.

Most Likely to Yell Drop And Give Me 20

 Well, the award goes to Sharleen.. sir, yes sir.

Meeting Juan Pablo did not inspire this Opera singer to run out and sing an aria.  Not only was Sharleen the recipient of the coveted first impression rose, but she was also the first bachelorette in 18 seasons to 1) be annoyed that he was giving her the rose 2) respond after what felt like an entire minute of complete silence with an unenthusiastic “sure,” and 3) start calling Respondent “sir” after he gave her the rose.  Nothing says romance like a good ol’ fashioned “sir.”  (That’s sort of true if you’ve seen An Officer and a Gentleman – but that’s totally different).  But all those sirs, the sound of crickets, and an annoyed “sure,” did not tip-off our savvy Bachelor.  No sir!  Instead, Sir Pablo declared that Sharleen was so shocked and elated that she received the rose that it rendered her speechless.  I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised by Shar’s sudden use of the military lingo because, after all, love is a battlefield.  I just didn’t realize Juan Pablo out-ranked her.  Or, I am totally wrong! Maybe she has a knight fantasy and she’s calling him sir as part of that role-play.  That’s probably it.  Oooo here comes Sir Juan Pablo to rescue the helpless dame from the evil foot fungus girl.

Most Likely for Me to Like?

DISCLAIMER:  I reserve any and all rights to at anytime stop liking the contestants I have listed below.  As this list is generated solely on my “first impression,” and ABC”s amazing editing, I’m sure I will undoubtedly be totally wrong about these people.  A future Tierra-rist could even be in the mix for all I know.

I think Clare is the cutest thing.  She seems so sweet and her story made me tear-up (recall: her dad died of brain cancer but before he died, he made a DVD for Clare’s future husband).  Man, I hope ABC doesn’t exploit that.  Who am I kidding, of course they will!  One complaint – Clare came out of the limo pretending to be pregnant.  Um what?  I don’t get it.  Worst limo entrance ever.

Nikki, the pediatric nurse, was adorable in her intro package. Her back-tats in her formal gown were less adorable.  But still, she seems sweet.

Chelsea, the “science educator,” is energetic and pretty. I’m sure she’ll never be Bill Nye but it’s not like Juan Pablo is Mr. Intellectual.  Chelsea greets JP with a little chemistry lesson.  Her science experiment was a good idea in theory… but as any scientist knows, not all theories turn out so.  Why did it fail?  Her enthusiasm level was a 15…and JP’s was about a 1.  It felt awkward.

Alli, a nanny from Chicago, came out of the limo kicking a soccer ball.  Speakin’ Juan’s language, Alli.  Good play, good play.  I like her.  That’s all I have to say.

Is it weird that I miss Sean?  I kinda ❤ him.

Aye Yae Yae

I am having some technical difficulties with ABC.com (right now they are the opposite of juan-derful) so I will provide a recap as soon as it’s all sorted out!  In the mean time, think about this:

Whoops, I’m sorry, I’m getting my Juanny’s mixed up.  You’re supposed to be thinking about this:

Ay, caramba!  

 

Check back soon!  Maybe in Juan day or two.