It’s week two and we finally get to see the
desperate love-seeking women in their “natural” element. And by natural I mean, slightly more sober and slightly less glittery. While I settled in to watch this week’s trainwreck journey to find love, I confirmed what I suspected on Em’s season. Apart from Sean’s oiled-up abs, gelled bleach-blond hair, and v-neck t-shirts, Sean is BOR-ING, with a capital B. In general, this episode was not up to the Bachelor caliber it could be. Where were the accusations of being there for the wrong reasons (I’m looking at you Wes)? Where was the one who has a significant other back home (you heard me again Wes)? Where was the one who totally wanted the bachelor[ette] to be someone else (ehhhemmm Bentley)? There’s always hope for next week!
The episode starts off with Single Sean doing what he does best – working out and allowing people to film him showering. Chirs Harrison comes to the mansion to deliver the “date card” (I hardly think jumping off a building is a date. That’s more like a torture method that ought to be illegal). What ever happened to a cup of coffee? Or lunch? Sean picks Sarah to be his first one on one date. In true Bachelor fashion, Sean fetches his helicopter to pick up Sarah. Oh. Emm. Gee. Sean is soooo sweet. He is like, so sweet, and so romantic for like picking me up in like a helicopter. Cue the groans. Anyway, Sean picks up Sarah, who seriously talks like a Valley Girl, and whisks her away to the top of a building – much to the jealousy of his other
drunk castmates “girl friends.” During the helicopter ride, we at home prepared ourselves for the clichéd statements about the date. It’ll probably go something like this:
- Sean: Being on top of this building with Sarah is taking our relationship to new heights.
- Sarah: If Sean and I like jump off this building together it will mean like we can do anything togetherrrrr.
- Sean: Free-falling with Sarah means I’m really taking a chance with her.
- Sarah: I know that to like trust Sean means I like have to take this first step off the ledggggge.
- Sean: Can you see my abs through my shirt? You can’t?
Sean and Sarah both overcome their fears, learn to trust each other, and know they can do anything together now, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, I notice that Sarah looks exactly like Amanda Beard!
Here is Sarah:
Amanda Sarah and gives her a rose.
Next, Sean goes on a group date that would have been absolutely perfect for 50 Shades of Intoxication girl. Such a bummer she went home early! Sean takes his future wife/ future mother of his children, to shoot covers for romance novels. May the girl with the biggest teeth win. Wait – that’s exactly what happened. The model with the giant teeth won the modeling contest (well gee honey, way to win at your own trade!). At the wrap party fangs started to come out (no I mean seriously, some of the girls had to wear fangs). All the girls had different tactics to capture the muscles of Sean. Little Miss Washington DC (Lesley) decided it was time to give Sean something short and sweet – something to leave him wanting more. So she marched up to him after her first failed attempt, planted one on him and then told him that was all he’d get because she wanted to “leave him wanting more.” Ugh Lesley – it’s much less attractive when you actually say that rather than allow Sean to make that conclusion on his own. Moving on… the next tactic (and it seems to be working) is pouting until the bachelor notices. Nice move, Tierra, nice move. As Sean comforts Teirra, Tierra bats her long false eyelashes at Sean, lamenting how hard it is to pursue a guy. I mean, she’s never had to do that with 25 other women! (Side note – false eyelashes? Interesting Tierra…earlier you said nothing on you was fake. Au Naturale.) Kacie B swoops in on the Bachelor, asking him if he is willing to take her out of the “friend” zone. I think she then calls Sean her boyfriend? Oh Kacie B, why don’t you have something better to do with your time? Kacie B becomes increasingly cocky during the evening since this is her second
desperate/ failed attempt at finding love and she knows how to play the game this time!
But the real winner of the night is the Yoga Guru with wild, wild hair who realizes this process is not so zen, inhales deeply, exhales loudly and then approaches Sean with an “om,” which he mistakes for an um. She once again calms her breathing and tells Sean Namaste-ya-later.
Kacie B becomes uncentered upon hearing she is one rose closer to Sean and receives the group rose.
Finally, the last date of the show. Blondie picks up
Joey from Dawson’s Creek I mean Katie Holmes I mean, Des for a date to test if Des is someone with which whom he can laugh. He pulls a juvenile prank on her and she takes it well. Sean thereby declares that Des is someone he can get serious with because she laughed at his lame joke. (Quick pull – what is Sean’s lamest prank? The living with his parents/ dirty room prank? The “we eat armadillo” prank? Oh so many good ones! Especially if you are 10!)
But really – here is Des:
And here is Katie Holmes as Joey:
Finally it’s time for the rose ceremony. Amanda pouted on the couch the entire night. Can you blame her? Did you see her dress? Of course you saw her dress, you couldn’t miss it! It was bright yellow, with giant almost rose-looking shoulder caps. Amanda sat there for so long, ignoring everyone that I feared she had gone mute. But alas, her loud signature necklace and unbrushed hair will see another week.
Single mom from Utah and the girl who looks like Brandy (the singer, not the drink) were sent packing. I guess they’ll have to find true love somewhere else.