Monthly Archives: January 2016

Zen with Ben

Ben knows the best way to learn if these women are wife material is to take them to Sin City.  There is so much to test in Vegas.  The following vices can all be assessed:

  • gambling
  • drinking
  • stripping
  • nudity
  • prostitution
  • gluttony
  • and people who like Celine Dion too much

Ben wants a woman who can let her hair down, pretend she loves buffets but really only eats a salad, has no qualms about wearing shirts as dresses in public, drinks all night long without throwing up, and does, indeed, let her heart go on.

Amazingly enough, the first thing out of Olivia’s mouth when she hears they are headed to Vegas is that she wants to see Celine.  Sorry Olivia. You’re out.

First One-on-One Date: Jojo, you set my heart on fire.

Oliva is not threatened by this because Ben is hers.  Ben is her piece (?) and she is zen with Ben.

For Jojo’s date, she decides that less is more.  Less shirt and less shorts = more likely ABC will need to use the privacy black box during this date.  Remember when Bermuda shorts were in style? These chicks definitely don’t remember that. All they’ve ever known are 1 inch inseams.

Or maybe she wore barely any clothes so she wouldn’t add unnecessary weight to the helicopter that picks them up?  As the helicopter lands, its propeller causes gale force winds so Jojo and Ben, naturally, hide behind a cocktail table and make out in plain view of the other ladies.  They spend the helicopter ride making out, which begs the question, why go on the helicopter ride?  YOU’RE MISSING THE VIEW.  COME ON.

After the heli ride, Jojo talks about her ex boyfriend, they make out more, and the date is over.  Most boring date ever.

Group Date

There is some famous ventriloquist who is hosting the group date.  The girls all comment that they grew up watching his show.  I’ve never heard of this dude.  Is this an age gap thing? Do you think the girls have ever heard of Mr. Rogers?

The puppet announces the women are going to put on a talent show for Ben and 1 million other drunk people.  Immediately, I think Olivia’s talent will be stuffing her fist into her giant mouth.  That’s got to be what she’s best at, right?

Olivia ignores my suggestion and instead puts on a showgirl outfit, which is basically a sequined bikini with a feather boa, and she thanks for lucky stripes for the foresight to shave this morning. Her plan is basically to shimmy around and point.  That’s her talent.

To my shock (and slight disappointment), all the other women have actual talent!  The twins do a really good Irish dance, Jubliee plays the cello, someone who I think is unemployed makes ballon animals, another girl juggles, some girl bongs a beer.

And then it was Olivia’s turn.  She started out strong by popping out of a cake.  But then things took a serious turn for the worst.  She would have been better off if she cried and ran off state.  Instead she bobbed around awkwardly, not dissimilar to a bird, and kicked her legs around.  Ben hung his head in embarrassment.  Olivia silently wonders if she can audition for the Rockettes. No. No you can’t. When she goes to hug Ben, reality sets in that the performance was not up to Ben’s standards.  She starts to cry and realizes she was not wife material.

Undeterred, Olivia puts on her best 70’s negligee that lets her ladies hang free and heads to the cocktail party where the theme this evening is who needs pants when you can have a shirt cover almost all of your naughty bits.  Sure hope you shaved today too Caila. Caila decides as soon as she gets Ben alone that she’s just going to throw her legs over his lap and start making out with him.  Conversation be damned.  Ben describes her as a sex panther.  I start to throw up my dinner.

Ben seems drunk as he plays with the puppet and talks to the kindergarten teacher, whose name I do not know because she gets no screen time.  He makes the teacher make out with the puppet.

Second One-on-One Date: Becca 

Becca, the virgin, puts on a crisp white dress and meets Ben at the Little White Chapel.  This date is so dumb I don’t even want to blog about it.  I’d rather count the number of gray hairs on my head, clip my toenails, scoop my cat’s litter-box, wash moldy Tupperware, or listen to sports radio than rewatch this date and blog about it.  That’s how boring and dumb it is.

First Ben fake proposes, then Becca changes into more 70’s lingerie, and then they awkwardly marry people who are either drunk, related, underage, or actors.  Don’t you love when the person officiating your marriage has their chest hair on full display?  Nothing says romance like another man’s chest hair.

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I am just over Becca.  She’s got the personality of a wet rag.  Is there anything in there?  SO BORING.  But I did notice that she’s trying to show slightly more signs of a pulse this season, which led to a heated debate during this week’s show with my friends- is Becca here for Ben or is Becca here to try to be the next Bachelorette?  *note – she’ll never be the Bachelorette because zzzzzzzzzz. What do you think?  Take my poll.

Surprise Two-on-One Date: In it to Twin it

The Twins, who nobody can tell apart, are headed out with Ben on an impromptu hometown date.

The mom, also a bottle blond, is basically like the Twins’ cool older sister.  She reminds me of the mom from Mean Girls.

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Haley takes Ben to her bedroom – it appears she still lives at home with her mom and twin – and there are photos all over of her ex-boyfriend.  Emily tells Ben her connection with him is deeper than her twin.  Ben is easily swayed and decides Emily is the twin he’d like to keep pursuing.  Emily looked more upset by Ben’s decision than Haley.  We need to find these girls a set of identical twins who also don’t want to be without their twin.  Why not just tell them both to stay home – you know you’re not marrying them.  PS – did you see those shots sans makeup?  I didn’t even recognize them!

At the rose ceremony, Olivia gets the last rose, or as she rationalizes, the best for last.  The bartender and the unemployed chick go home.  BYE, Amber.  Don’t let a cocktail hit you in the face on the way out. Amber curls up in a fetal position on a pool lounge chair that earlier hosted a drunk naked passed out girl and the ABC psychotherapist is summoned with the good drugs.

Next week, the women head to Mexico for tequila, tans and tears.

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But She Does Have Fat Toes

You know those times when you are just about to settle in to watch the Bachelor and suddenly your husband comes home and tells you your parent’s SUV, the one you borrowed 6 months ago, is no longer parked on the street? And then the police have to come RIGHT AS THE SHOW IS ABOUT TO START?  Don’t you hate when that happens?

I do.

Not that it happened to me last week.  Nope.  No way. The reason I missed the first 30 minutes of the Bach this week had absolutely nothing to do with the scenario I described above.  Just in case you’re wondering – people don’t like it when you leave a car on the street for weeks and/or months at a time.  Just a friendly PSA.  You know…not that I know or anything.

Can you believe it’s already week 3 at the mansion?  Doesn’t that mean the Bachelor is like 3 weeks away from picking his wife???  Does this mean that Ben and his entourage of 21 year olds will hit the road soon?  Bring your IDs, young ladies!

The show starts with the Mom and the Flight Attendant discussing Olivia.  I actually replayed this four times.  Mom tells Flight Attendant that Olivia spent $40,000 on clothes for the show.

FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS ON CLOTHES????? And my husband thinks I shop too much? Here’s what I could buy with 40K.

  • a luxury vehicle (which I promise to not get towed.  Kidding.  I can’t make that promise.  Parking enforcement around these parts makes that darn near impossible).
  • a new kitchen AND a new bathroom
  • like 30,000 chocolate milk shakes
  • new underwear for years
  • all the SmartWool products EVER
  • a partridge in a pear tree

Chris comes to the mansion to scope out any prospects for himself deliver the news about this week’s dates.  There will be two one-on-one dates and one group date.  Collective OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOs ensue.

Lauren B – The Sky’s The Limit

Who is Lauren B?  The flight attendant – thus the corny sky joke.  Lauren B puts on her spaghetti tank top that conveniently has sleeves so she’s prepared for all types of weather.

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(photo source – http://www.tvjelly.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Screen-Shot-2016-01-19-at-9.56.40-AM.png)

They pull up to a small local airport and the flight attendant, I REPEAT, the flight attendant, is scared to go flying.  Come on.  Basically, the producers kept telling her we’re going to need for you to act super nervous. Act like you’ve never flown before.  Ben can’t remember what you do for a living anyway.

The flight attendant has never seen a plane like this before.  But you have seen Snoopy before…right?  Flying Ace? Or that war we called the Second World War?  Better known as World War II?  No? Not familiar?

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(photo source – https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/5f/49/c9/5f49c96c4c71250bd4685869fd959708.jpg)

The pilot is forced to listen to their cheesy conversation and watch them make out.  The producers have Sky Thrill fly over the mansion, because, of course.  The girls CAN’T EVEN.  THIS TOTALLY SUCKS.

The plane drops them off in the middle of nowhere next to the circle of life tree, as seen on the Lion King.  Also waiting for them is a hot tub.  Lauren is instructed to change behind the tree.  Seriously. Lauren comes out in her tiny bikini and I immediately regret my decision to eat an entire pot of macaroni and cheese.

Side note – did you know someone is still on this show whose employment lists “umemployed” ???  Why is that person still here!  Are there no standards?  Oh.  My mistake.

Back on the date with Lauren, Ben calls her a girl like 50 times in a row.  Ben. Ben. Ben.  She’s a woman.  Ben shares a story about how his dad has heart problems.  Lauren shares a story that she had a perfect life and wants to procreate and make more perfect lives.

Very dramatic piano music plays while Ben gives Lauren the date rose.  All I can picture is the main guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall playing the score for the Bachelor.

Finally, because this show does the same stupid things over and over again, Ben takes Lauren to see some random concert. Of course the lyrics totally speak to Ben.

Group Date: Love is the Goal 

Enough girls head out on a date with Ben that they can form TWO soccer teams.  Two profesh soccer players come out, and of course, the girls like totally know these amazing players.  Liars.

The stakes are high for this date: the losing team will head back to the mansion reeking of pathetic defeat, will receive care for any concussions they have suffered, and will lose precious moments to bond with Ben, thus limiting their chances of securing the Neil Lane.  The winning team, sweating with nothing but victory and a subtle rose scent, will join Ben for a booze infused evening where there is sure to be drama, spit swapping, and ample opportunity to backstab.  Whatever it takes to find your man. May the best twin win.  Yes, the twins are separated.

The teams are divided by stars and stripes.  The stripes look like they just escaped the local penitentiary.  Perhaps some did.  AHHHEMMM Olivia.

Unemployed girl gets injured and Olivia seizes the opportunity to score against the girl whose leg needs to be amputated.  She will stop at nothing.

Oliva continues her aggression at the cocktail party; she’s embraced Sarah Palin’s philosophy- pit bull with lipstick.  Ben is mid sentence when Olivia steals him away from the group.  The women take this opportunity to talk about Olivia behind her back (also the only reason we watch this dumb show)

  • Twin: She’s like, just so like, aggressive.
  • Amber: But she does have fat toes.  I’ve noticed. (VERBATIM QUOTE!)
  • Twin: (privately) They were making fun of her toes.  Toes should not matter.  But she has terrible breath. I wonder if he’s smelling what I smell.

Jami, who I always want to call Jammy but is really called Jamie, is not going to let these biotches talk about her friend’s toes like that.  But rather than stand up to them, she decides to just tell Olivia about the toe smack.

  • Jami: They started picking apart your appearances.
  • Olivia: (looking indignant, but all knowing) Let me guess. My calves.
  • Jami: No.
  • Olivia: MY CANKLES?
  • Jame: No. Your toes.  Your toes like aren’t cute.
  • Olivia: (looking shocked.  She had considered her calves and her cankles as her only flaw – nobody had ever mentioned her toes.)  My toes?!

Olivia tells the camera she knows she has bad toes. She hates her toes.

Date rose goes to Bachelor repeat, Amber.

Second One on One Date: Jubilee 

Ben shows up for the date 20 minutes late and Jubilee teases Ben about it.  Then she makes a joke about not being excited.  The girls see this as no laughing matter.  No jokes can be made in the presence of the Bachelor. This could be your husband.  Do not be aco-taco.

Jubilee, terrified of heights, asks the girls as Ben makes her board a helicopter, if someone else wants to go on the date, thus sealing her fate as the most hated woman in the house. Olivia might have fat toes and a mean personality but her status as most hated is revoked when Jubilee shows anxiety over heights.  HOW DARE SHE!  Doesn’t she know that if Ben wants to march her straight into an anxiety attack or to her death, she should do so not only with open arms but a coquettish smile on her face and just the right amount of exposed midriff too? Doesn’t she know that?!

Good luck getting the target off your back, Jub.

Amber is livid.  Ben just planned (um wrong) her an amazing date and she is not grateful enough.

The heli flies them to a mansion.  We learn Jubilee does not like caviar but loves hot dogs. With you girl.  We also learn that Ben wants all dates to include a hot tub.

Personally, I love Jubilee and I’m really happy she got the rose.

But the girls back at the house? Not so much. It’s gang up on Jubilee night at the cocktail party and leading the charge is Amber.  Get a life, Amber.

Before Amber can start her crusade against Jubilee, Ben comes in with an announcement that his good family friends have died.  Olivia sees this as the perfect opportunity to tell Ben about her insecurities: her cankles. She starts to cry about people who blog about her cankles.  Ben is irritated that Olivia wants to talk about her fat ankles at this moment.

Jubilee takes a different approach and massages Ben because she knows it’s his favorite thing.  Amber is livid. She basically chases Jubilee around and forces her to try to hide in the bathroom, but she doesn’t respect that boundary either.  Amber verbally assaults Jubilee. I wish Ben would have taken the rose away from Amber and sent her home.  FYI, Ben is never going to pick you.  Go back to making rum and cokes and leave us alone.

In the most insightful moment this season, Lace decides to send herself home because Lace needs to work on herself.  She’s not living up to her tattoo: you can’t love someone else until you truly love yourself.  Half of me is horrified that she had to get a tattoo to remind herself of that and also horrified that she is disappointed in herself for not listening to her tattoo, but the other half of me is really proud that she recognizes her issues and wants to work on them.  My next tattoo suggestion for you is “the first step is admitting you have a problem.”

Till tomorrow!

 

 

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Sour

I was away this weekend and as such I didn’t have five hours to dedicate to rewatching this riveting episode of the Bachelor while simultaneously composing a blog post that is both witty and blithe yet to all of our horror, truthful with a touch of hyperbole (but sadly, not much because, well, the girls speak for themselves).

But let’s be honest.  We all watch this dumb show just so we can sit around talking about how ridiculous the whole thing is.  I wouldn’t want to disappoint you by not recapping at all because that would be no fun.  So let’s take a moment and talk about what we learned during week two at the mansion.

Lesson No. One:  It’s Never Ok to Talk About Yourself in the Third Person.  Also STOP CALLING YOURSELF CRAZY. K THANKS.

Lace is nursing a serious hangover.  She wonders if Ben saw her stab her Ben voodoo doll over and over again in the eyes during the rose ceremony.  She vows not to drink until at least 2 PM.  She is determined to let Ben know she’s NOT CRAZY.  Repeat.  LACE IS NOT CRAZY. Here’s the convo she had with herself:

  • Lace: Lace got a little too drunk that night.  That was not Lace.  Lace is not crazy.
  • Lace: I am going to show Ben that Lace is not crazy.  Lace is wondering if Ben thinks Lace is crazy.
  • Lace: These b*tches can suck it.
  • Lace: Do you even notice me? Do you know I’m here? HELLO?
  • Lace: Ben didn’t get to know the real Lace.  He saw a different Lace.  He saw a side of Lace I didn’t want to come out.
  • Lace: Lace is never getting enough time with Ben.  Lace is so sad she’s letting her crazy show.
  • Lace: We’re making eye contact galore.  We’re almost EYE BEEPING.  (She actually said this.  These words).

Lesson No. Two: Olivia Has the World’s Biggest Mouth.  Literally.  And Probably Figuratively. 

Olivia is riding high on her first impression rose.  Hastag MrsHiggins.  I’ve got a hashtag for you: iveneverseensuchahugemouthbeforeinmylifeanditsalwaysopenmrshiggins.

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http://www.bustle.com/articles/134966-olivia-caridis-mouth-inspires-hilarious-bachelor-memes-that-will-make-your-whole-night

Olivia is this season’s mean girl.  She thinks her shit don’t stink (sadly the Bachelor basically says so much too – more on that later).

Lesson Three: Maybe Consult a Map and Locate the State of Indiana Before You Sign Up for The Bachelor and Date a Hoosier.  ALSO WHY DON’T YOU KNOW WHERE THE STATE OF INDIANA IS ON A MAP.  UGH.  Or Chicago?????

I’m looking at you, Becca.  Yikes.  Instead of hopping from season to season on the Bachelor, why don’t you learn some geography. And other things you should have learned in fourth grade.  Just a thought.  The group date this week features the girls going back to school.  Some of the school lessons included making Ben’s volcano explode (that was science, not sex ed), bobbing for apples, placing Indiana on a map, basketball, and jumping some hurdles.  The Dentist won the school competition (as she should have since she’s the most educated person there) and she was crowned homecoming queen.  Ben tries to hide his disappointment that the person he least wanted to be his queen was the winner.  Oh well, think of it like a romcom, Ben.

Lesson Four: Never. EVER. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DESCRIBE A WOMAN’S SCENT AS BEING SOUR. 

I didn’t know we’d need a lesson on this but inevitably, we do. On the second group date where Olivia’s giant mouth dominates her competition, Ben is forced to breathe in the ovaries of the women after they’ve worked up a sweat.  He describes all of them using words like, floral, sweet, fruity but then he got to Samantha.  And the words he can never take back came out of his mouth.  Sour.  He says Sam smells SOUR.

I. would. have. died.

Like for real.  I would have crawled into Olivia’s mouth and died.

Lesson Five: Kevin Hart Hot Tubs Nude. 

That is all.

 

 

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Let’s Be Honest. Who Wants A Beeping Virgin?

Guess who’s back.  Back again.

Since last we saw each other, so much has changed.  Kaitlyn had sex with Nick.  (We all make mistakes, Kaitlyn). Neil Lang created yet another gaudy, tacky, iceberg of a diamond ring, which was slipped on Kaitlyn’s finger by Sean and the producers of ABC’s The Bachelor. (Again, we all make mistakes, Kaitlyn).  Participation ribbon winner, Ben Higgens, was named this season’s latest piece of Bachelor meat with 26 desperate women (desperate for a myriad of things including but not limited to fame, love, attention, STDs, giant diamond ring likely to induce wrist injury, future Bachelorette, ample hot-tub time, sparkly gowns, Chris Harrison, and embarrassing your family).

But alas my loyal readers.  The biggest change of them all.  Aside from the fact that at the age of 30, I’m now considered a cougar in Bachelor land, I have forever taken myself out of the running to vie for the love of a complete and utter stranger who could have become my husband in six short weeks,  while competing against a bunch of cocktail waitresses and chicken enthusiasts, wearing my finest pair of shorts from the 6th grade that show off just enough butt cheek but not too much and subsiding on nothing but vodka and the smell of coconut-scented sunscreen.  Why you ask?

BECAUSE THIS:

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And also THIS!

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That’s right.  I’m hitched. I’m officially off the Bachelor market.  And now that our wedding is behind us, I can get back to the important things in life.  Like making fun of people commenting on the new season of the Bachelor.  I have to admit, I’ve missed this.

Without further ado, let’s meet our Bachelor, Ben Higgins.

 

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Hey, Ben!  Healthy meal you got there! I always eat my salmon shirtless too.  We’ve got so much in common.

Here’s what we know about Ben.  He’s 26.  I’ll let that sink in for a second.  FYI Ben, there is this app called Tinder – I think you’d do ok on it.  He eats dinner in the buff. He’s a midwestern boy from Indiana.  Kaitlyn dumped him.  He’s some sort of salesman (a job totally worth making a fool of yourself and fighting over, obviously). He wants a wife with small-town values (all I heard was women should be seen, not heard).  He fears being unloveable.  I’m sorry but WHO SAYS THAT?  What is that about?  Is it weird that I find myself totally lovable?  He’s hoping the next time he sees his parents, he’ll have a “young lady,” on his arm.  Luckily for Ben, he has a bevy of eligible 21 year olds eager to take tequila shots out of his bellybutton.  And last but not least, he let ABC give him the world’s WORST haircut.

Who better to help Ben in his quest to find a “young lady,” than three Bachelor vets, who include Farmer Chris, Sean, and some old guy named Jason.  No but you guys.  Jason looks down right middle aged.  BECAUSE HE IS.  He’s 13 years older than the current Bachelor.  He could have birthed the current Bachelor.  It would have been weird, but he could have.

Farmer Chris has no advice, because well, Whitney hates him. Oh and to kiss all the girls.  Sean’s advice is to find a subservient woman whose dream in life is to cook and clean for her man.  Jason’s advice is to treat women like your equal.  ABC producers quickly tell Ben to disregard such silly advice.

For the next hour and a half we meet Ben’s ladies.  It’s the usual cast of characters: the villain, the clinger, the crier, the drunk, the unusual, the miniature horse, and the repeats. Here are the standouts:

Most Likely to Need an Order for Protection Against 

And the award goes to… Caila!

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Sure, she looks sweet and innocent but girl is convinced Ben is her soulmate.  And why wouldn’t she?  They are both software sales reps.  #soulmatesforeverandeverandeverxoxoxo.  She’s 24, which is perfect for Ben’s desire for a “young lady.”  And she broke up with her boyfriend after she saw Ben on TV, because you know, fate.  Hashtag FATE.  Careful Ben.  Somewhere Caila is slowly making her very own Ben hair doll.

Caila wastes no time with the creep factor, instantly running into Ben’s arms, forcing him to hold her in his arms as soon as she gets two feet out the limo door.

Most Likely to Abuse Access to Laughing Gas and Prescription Drugs

Mandi!

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Can you believe this chick actually holds a medical license?  When Ben comments on her giant rose hat, she responds saying that “maybe if things go well tonight, you can pollinate it later.”  Class act.

Mandi is no shrinking violet.  In fact, she’s the opposite; she’s the first impression rose.  She seizes the first opportunity to steal Ben away from the group while he’s mid-sentence welcoming all the ladies on this “epic journey.”  Mandi wastes no time crossing boundaries and insists on giving Ben an oral examination (not that kind, you sicko!).  “If we’re going to make out, you have to floss,” says Mandi, the dentist.  Something tells me she says that way too often to her patients too.

Most Likely to Be A Porn Star

Or stars, I should say.  This award goes to the Twins.  The 22 year old Vegas twins.  Whose contract just ran out with the circus.

Emily and Haley are bottle blonds who love their act as twins.  ferguson-twins-1-750x522-1444058014.jpg

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These two surely embody the midwestern small-town values Ben wants in his future wife.  They tell the cameras that dating twins is every man’s fantasy.  To calm Ben, the girls tell him, “it’s not weird for us so it shouldn’t be weird for you.”  I’m not even sure what this means anymore.

Most Likely To Be Confused With a Little Child 

If you only heard her voice, you would definitely think this was a 6 year old.  And if you only saw her tiny little body and tiny little frame you would still think it’s a 6 year old.  But don’t be fooled. This tiny lady with the tiny voice is actually a mother two two, presumably, little children. Meet Amanda.

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She’s just like the tiniest adult I’ve ever seen.  I want to hear her yell.  Is it possible?

Most Likely To Stab A Fellow Contestant While They Are Sleeping

What an award!  The deserving lady is Lace. That’s her actual name.  Lace.  In case you are confused as to which chick she is, she wore a lace dress, as to not confuse Ben.

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Oh Lace.  You seem like such a delight! My favorite kind of woman is the type who gets super drunk, acts majorly insecure, cries multiple times, sizes herself up against the competition and declares herself the prettiest, attempts to make out with a person upon first seeing them, gets upset when said person rejects them, gets more upset when said person doesn’t make enough eye contact, and generally acts like a psycho.  Love those types.  We heard the following gems from Lace:

  • I’m just sitting here judging everyone, because that’s the point, right?
  • Next.
  • I feel like there are some dumb ones.  I feel like there are some pretty ones.
  • That’s really BEEPING special.
  • I don’t think there is one girl so far that is competition.  I think I’m way prettier than everyone.  Like, you know.
  • She’s so fake.
  • Do my boobs look ok?
  • I am not going to let Becca get in my way tonightttt. I’m gonna get a roseeee. (slow your roll there Lace- your words are getting pretty sloppy).
  • I’m getting a rose tonight. (By way of murder?)
  • That b*tch. (an actual quote.  Mind you, these are all actual quotes.)
  • He hasn’t even looked me once in the eye. (But has he looked you in the eyes?)
  • Let’s be honest, who wants a BEEPING virgin? (I think quite a few people, actually. Or was that a rhetorical question?)
  • Do you even notice me? HELLO?! (no, I do not.  I refuse to).
  • If you want me to go home, just tell me to go home.  (GO HOME!)
  • You did not look at me once.  You would not look at me.  I watched you. (Creepy).

When Lace can no longer take the heat, she gets out of the kitchen and takes matters into her own hands.  It’s time to make out with Ben.  Seems completely appropriate. Ben decides not to follow in the footsteps of most hated Bachelor ever, Juan Pablo, and tells Lace not to listen to Rod Steward: tonight is not the night.  Lace vows to seek revenge for the rest. of. her. life. Black widow, you have met your match.

Most Likely To Tie Ben Up and Hold Him Against His Will

I might be getting this idea from a movie, namely, the Wedding Crashers, because this girl looks just like Isla Fisher!  Plus, we all know it’s Caila who is most likely to tie Ben up and hold him against his will.  Meet JoJo (unclear if she is a member of amazing duo K-Ci and JoJo).

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JoJo wears a unicorn mask thing so Ben knows unicorns really do exist.  As do doppelgängers. Jojo actually seems fairly normal and pretty adorable.  This award is totally undeserving but for the fact that she looks like Isla Fisher.  I think she agrees – her bio indicates the Wedding Crashers is her favorite movie. Liar. We all know Shopaholic is your favorite Isla movie.

There are plenty of beautiful women for Ben to choose from– Olivia, Becca, Amber, Jubiliee, the adorable red-head he sent home who sadly calls herself Red Velvet, the girl who doesn’t speak English, etc.  How sad would you be if Ben chose a girl who didn’t speak a lick of English over you?

What do you guys think?  Excited for completely average Ben to be your Bachelor?  Is Lace getting a bad edit or is she really just that crazy? Does Ben floss daily?   Does every rose have its thorns?

IS THERE A SINGLE CONTESTANT OVER THE AGE OF 30?  Sigh.  Excuse me, I have some anti-aging eye cream I need to go administer.

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