Tag Archives: thebachelor

I love you TWO!

Jamaica, ooo I wanna take ya, to Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty momma!

Somewhere Amanda starts crying when she hears the reference to “momma.”  Don’t fear Amanda, you’re in a better place…than Caila.

Ben and his three remaining ladies head to Jamaica for some private sexy time, profuse overuse of the word “love,” and an endless supply of clothing that looks like it could fit an American Girl Doll (yet, somehow, these ladies shimmy their bodies into the tiniest garments known to man.)

Sorely missing is any reference to Jamaica getting a bobsled team.

I pose this question every season, and this season is no different: how would you feel getting the last overnight date?  So. Gross.

First One-on-One: Caila 

Caila (luckily) gets the least disgusting first overnight date.  As the theme of Jamaica is less is always most definitely more, Caila wears her shortest pair of jean shorts that show just enough butt cheek with her boldest croppiest sports bra.  When in Rome.

Ben takes Caila on a Huck Finn raft and the two of them float into a stream of complete silence.  The longer the silence lasts, the mores taciturn Caila becomes.  I find myself starting to break out in a cold sweat as I watch this uncomfortable scene unfold.  Someone get these two some alcohol.

And then, what do you know.  A little shanty (the original food truck) awaits them in the jungle.  The ABC producers give Ben and Caila a coconut full of rum to liven up this date.

At dinner Ben says yo Caila, why were you so weird today?  Caila, loquacious from her liquid courage, waxes on and on about who knows what and then finally says, “I love you.” Ben responds with his favorite words: french kissing.  Caila tells Ben she’s ready to take advantage of the fantasy suite.  It’s perfect because Ben is ready to take advantage of Caila.

Second One-on-One: Lauren 

It was a tough decision but Lauren wins the “most ill-fitting, way too small, why are you wearing your clothes from grade school,” award!  Congrats, Lauren!  Lauren’s crop-top, spaghetti-strap, SWEATER tank top sends the message, I’m mysterious and also very confused.  Her jean shorts that are so short and tight causing poor Lauren to waddle, send the message, I’m down for a wild time, even if it hurts.

Ben takes Lauren to release a sea turtle nest into the ocean.  I can’t tell you how many times in my childhood my mom had us on the side of the road frantically trying to rescue turtles.  You think that’s a joke. But it’s not.  I can only hope their efforts were more successful than ours.

As if the jean shorts and sweater crop-top tank weren’t bad enough, Lauren decides to dress like a salmon for dinner, wearing a crop top/ pencil skirt combo made of spandex from the Charlotte Russe “Working The Vegas Strip” collection.  Size XXS.

Lauren forgoes her individual room key in hopes of fornicating with Ben.  When they make their way back to the fantasy suite (sponsored by Sandals), Lauren tells Ben she is in love with him and also, like, she can’t believe how lucky she is.  Ben breaks all rules and does the one thing he’s forbidden from doing on this show– he tells Lauren he loves her too.

The morning after, Lauren keeps saying Ben’s her person.  No it’s LOBSTER.  Come on.  Watch an episode of Friends!

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Third One-on-One Date: JoJo

JoJo greets Ben with her signature jump and straddle.  I envision if I greeted my husband like that,  I would flatten him like a pancake.

The pair helicopter to some hidden waterfalls.  I can only think that it reminds me of Gooseberry Falls in Minnesota.  Minnesota: just as exotic as Jamaica.  Our new slogan.

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Minnesota, as sexy as Jamaica.  Even our accents. You betcha. 

JoJo says she’s never seen anything like this before.  Come to Minnesota, JoJo.  We have waterfalls up the uff-da. To celebrate, Ben and JoJo go skinny dipping.  Actually wait.  JoJo is wearing a bathing suit, it’s just flesh-colored and very very similar looking to underwear.

Even after seeing Ben’s awful oblique tattoo, JoJo decides to spring the “I love you,” words on Ben.  Much to JoJo’s complete shock, Ben replies, “I love you too.”  Somewhere, ABC producers hoot and holler with glee.  They’ve got Ben, the three remaining women, and millions of women sitting at home sipping chardonnay from a box, right where they want them.

JoJo is legit flummoxed.  She could have sworn the producers told her he was in love with Lauren.  Oh well, she reasons, guess they were wrong!

During the dinner portion of their date, I got distracted and started researching how to make cheese at home. In case you are wondering, it sounds difficult.

Back to the Bachelor.  There is discussion about the creepy brothers, but JoJo just chalks it up to the bros being protective older siblings.  Bros will be bros.  She says they will love him eventually; Ben is unsure if he will love them eventually.  But alas, forget the brothers, it’s time to consummate this love in the fantasy suite. For the third night in a row. With a different woman each night. Ick.

The Morning After

Ben wakes up and realizes that since he told two women he loves them, he has to keep them around for at least another week.  That means Caila needs to go.

In classic Bachelor fashion, right when Ben comes to this realization, Caila shows up at Ben’s patio.  10 bucks says the ABC producers told Caila Ben really wants to see you, you should totally go surprise him!

Caila wears her cutest pastel tie dye sports bra for her big Ben surprise.  I feel like getting dumped while wearing a sports bra is worse than getting dumped in regular clothes. Caila senses something is wrong and she’s right.  Ben apparently enjoyed the sex with the other two a little more.   All I can think is Caila has the most perfect little body!  I must hit the gym when I’m done eating cookies and reading how to make cheese. Caila handles the situation as well as possible – I have no doubt Caila will go on to great things.  At the very least, hair commercials.

At the rose ceremony, Lauren smugly tells JoJo she’s not nervous, especially after seeing JoJo’s dress that looks like it belongs on an episode of Saved by the Bell.  Both women falsely believe they’ve got this in the bag.  Ben appears and tells the women, the three of us are going to be so happy together!

 

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You’re Not Going to Get Hurt, You’re Beautiful

A mere two weeks ago, I looked at my television screen, unable to recognize some of the contestants still vying for Ben’s affection.  And now, here we are, with only four women remaining, eager to reintroduce themselves to their families as the future Mrs. Higgins.  I’d be willing to bet my life that none of the women remaining can name the literary reference.

First Hometown: Amanda 

Ben heads to Laguna Beach in hopes of spotting LC, Kristen, Steven and Talan to meet Amanda’s two babies. Ben finds Amanda frolicking on the beach in some shorts she borrowed from her two year old daughter, and a shirt (a word I use in the loosest way possible) that is missing essential elements such as a back, support, structure, and straps. The shirt threatens to expose her womanhood with every step she takes towards Ben.  The ABC staff is on standby with double-sided tape and a black box.  Right as I’m about to be horrified by Amanda’s shirt with wings, I see Ben’s shorts (?) that look like they were pasted on.  Boxer-briefs are so the new shorts.

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photo source

As the photo illustrates, the absurd outfits extended to the toddlers too.  Gladiator sandals at the beach, on babies = totally practical.

The family of four spend the day idyllically running around on the beach.  But, like all good things, they must come to an end.  And they come to an end quickly during the car ride home.  The ABC producers sit in the back of car with the two little girls and pepper them with questions about their dad’s lack of involvement and their mother’s failed marriage.  As the girls cry the duration of the car ride home, Amanda looks like she needs a Xanax.  She secretly curses the girls for acting their age as she tries to secure them a new daddy.  Ben reminds himself over and over again that next week is the fantasy suite date.  He can do this.

Back at Amanda’s house, Ben meets Amanda’s parents and sister.  Amanda ditches the littlest one in her crib as soon as possible.  Ben wonders if it’s acceptable to have a beer. Amanda’s fam asks Ben the expected questions, like can you be a dad, blah blah blah.  They are all very nice people.  And the answer is no, Ben is not ready for this.

To end the hometown date, ABC exploits the situation just a tad more by making Ben read a fairytale to the children about his relationship with their mother.  Way to secure these children therapy for the next 25 years.

Second Hometown Date: Lauren

Ben travels to Portland next to visit Lauren B.  Ben, as an aspiring hipster, is thrilled with the opportunity to visit such a hip city.  Lauren does everything right: she takes him to the trendy part of town where they gorge on food truck delectables, including grilled cheese, which Lauren B pretends is a regular part of her diet; they hit up the coziest, coolest whiskey library (which Lauren improperly pronounces as “libary” like one of Amanda’s children); and last but not least, Lauren’s date does not include any screaming children.  Lauren is winning.

When they are appropriately boozed up, Lauren and Ben head to Lauren’s house to meet her father-clone, mother, sister, two little brothers, and 18 year old dog (adorable).  They look like they just stepped out of a Vineyard Vine’s photo-shoot.    Lauren’s family calls her LoLo. Just leaving that out there.

LoLo’s sister takes the first opportunity to nab Ben and grill him about their relationship.

  • LoLo’s sister: LoLo is smart, beautiful, funny, hardworking, super skinny, bottled blonde, etc.  A million guys could easily fall in love with her.  Why do you think she’s so special?
  • Ben: Um.  For all the reasons you just said?
  • LoLo’s sister: Um hm.
  • Ben: I don’t know.  [starts crying].

LoLo’s sister wants to hear straight from the horse’s mouth, what said horse is thinking.  And no I’m not calling Lauren a horse.  It was a cliche gone wrong.  LoLo tells sister, “I feel like Ben is my person.” Dear god, LoLo, please refrain from quoting Gray’s Anatomy.  K, thanks.

Dad tells Lauren, “I don’t want my baby LoLo hurt.”  I throw up a little in my mouth.

Third Hometown Date: Caila 

Ben meets Caila in her current hometown, Hudson, Ohio.  It’s a slice of sweet midwestern charm.  Caila takes Ben to a swinging bench to make out and fulfill her high school wishes. Ben happily obliges.

When Caila’s lips get chapped, she takes Ben to her father’s toy company where they design their own house.  When the designing is done, they actually build the house in the factory.  It’s adorable.  Also, Caila, free legal advice: make sure you get a prenup.  As Ben carries Caila out of the factory, Caila says she knows Ben is the one.  She knows she is going to marry Ben.  Hope you just knocked on wood, girlfriend.

Back at home, Ben meets Caila’s adorable mother (you rock those braces, momma!), CEO dad, and younger brother.  They are such a sweet family.  Also, I would kill for homemade Filipino food.

Caila’s mom steals Ben away to get to know him.  I can’t get over her youthful glow.  She has no wrinkles.  Ben should definitely procreate with Caila–their children will be beautiful! Meanwhile, Caila tearfully tells her dad that she knows, “this is it.”  Caila’s dad tries to stifle his laughter.  “Sweety,” he says in a tone which translates to get a grip, you are better than this.  Caila tells her dad we all make mistakes, just like you and those orange pants.

Caila’s mom has a totally different reaction to the news of Caila’s recently discovered love.  She instructs Caila to jump on Ben and tell him how you feel.  Like all the ladies before, Caila chickens out and can’t get the words, “I love you,” out of her mouth.

Fourth Hometown Date: JoJo

The first three days were so normal. ABC had to do something to spruce up this episode with the last hometown date.  They pull out all the stops – a reconsidering, desperate ex-boyfriend, drunk possessive brothers who verbally abuse Ben, and a mom who drinks straight from the bottle.  Let’s dive right in.

In Dallas, JoJo arrives at her apartment to find flowers outside her door.  Aw, she muses, my sweet Ben is so thoughtful!  She starts reading the accompanying love-letter, feeling her love for Ben grow.  The note references the fact that JoJo has been gone for 39 days.

Wait. Hit the breaks. These people have only been on this show for 39 days and yet, YET, they are actually contemplating MARRIAGE.  Pump. The. Breaks. Someone. PLEASE.

It takes JoJo reading at least half the letter before she realizes it is from the evil Stephano (Legally Blonde anyone?), I mean Chad.  JoJo recoils in horror, “no!”  But yes, JoJo.  This is all part of ABC’s plan.  They get JoJo right where they want her- crying, emotional and dialing her ex Chad.   Chad keeps up his end of the bargain, answers her call, and pretends to be interested in her.  It’s the easiest $500 Chad has ever made.

JoJo fanatically hangs up the ABC iPhone when Ben pulls up to her house.  At first Ben thinks JoJo is crying at the sight of him, but soon realizes that makes no sense.  JoJo fills Ben in on the drama.  Ben looks annoyed.  JoJo pretends like she’s done with Chad.  10 bucks says Chad and JoJo are back together at this very moment.

As though this drama wasn’t enough, ABC has agreed to pay JoJo’s brothers to treat Ben like total dirt.  Bring it on!

Ben and JoJo roll up to JoJo’s mansion, which I assume JoJo’s mom’s botched plastic surgery medical malpractice suit paid for.

Ok. Guys.  What in the world. JoJo’s brother Matt basically tries to make out with JoJo upon her entrance into the house.  She can’t get him off of her.  It’s really bizarre and creepy.  JoJo’s other brother, Ben, is her step-brother, and appeared on his own dating reality tv show “Ready for Love,” not that I watched the entire canceled show or anything. He also appears to be in love with JoJo.

JoJo and her mom retreat to one of the 22 bedrooms to have a conversation about JoJo’s feelings for Ben.  It becomes very obvious that the mom has no idea what this show is about, how it works, or how to register emotions properly anymore. JoJo tells her mom she’s falling in love with Ben.  “I just don’t want to get hurt,” says JoJo. Mom replies, “you’re not going to get hurt, you’re beautiful!”  Let’s take a moment and dissect that.  In the legal world, we call that a non-sequitor.  It does not follow, lady.  “But mom, there are three other girls involved.”  Oh, says mom, completely clueless.

Before I can even say Chris Harrison, the whole family unravels and I feel like I’m watching a scene from the Godfather.

Brother Ben walks into the kitchen and accuses Bachelor Ben of brainwashing the women. Apparently JoJo is incapable of thinking or feeling for herself?  There is no way she can have any emotional investment in Ben unless he brainwashed her? But no sooner can I answer these pressing questions when mom picks up a champagne bottle and DRINKS STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE.

That actually happened.

Dad leans over to Mom and gently reminds her the cameras are rolling and they have plenty of available expensive stemware.

Brother Matt accuses Ben of coached answers and basically calls him a phony.  Is this dude for real?  The mom tries to defend Ben by saying JoJo has been holding back, and Matt tells his mother, “you need to take a step back.”  To your own mother??  Apparently no women in the house are allowed to have opinions.

And yet, JoJo stays.  I assume it’s because of her red dress and sparkly earrings (which I must have).  At the rose ceremony in LA, Ben sends home pint-sized mom, Amanda.  I feel for her – she handles the rejection like the sweet lady she is.  I have no doubt that Amanda will do alright in this world.  But why keep JoJo??! What do you guys think?  Was anyone else disturbed by JoJo’s bros? Are they in love with her?  Were they drunk?  Did they just want to have a little fun?  Is Chad in on this!?

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Why Did You Do that?

I have failed you, my friends.  On probably the most entertaining episode so far this season, I did not provide an update.  Life got the best of me (namely, dog sitting for my parents, bringing the total number of pets in my 1300 square foot home to a whopping FOUR, for two weeks).  Ben finally came to his senses and told the producers he wasn’t going to be a puppet in their game any longer – Olivia needed to go.  The producers agreed he could cut her loose but only on an island with hurricanic winds and no viable plan to bring Olivia back to safe shores.  I can only assume that somewhere in the Bahamas, Olivia has found her Wilson and hopefully learned how to build a fire.

On to this week.  Ben decided it was time to bring his remaining ladies back to his hometown: Warsaw, Indiana.

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Becca is nervous she’ll need to find Indiana on a map upon demand.  She thinks it’s somewhere near Nebraska or Kansas.  The Twin has never been anywhere with temperatures less than 60 degrees.  My mind wanders to the Warsaw Pact and I contemplate if any of these women can name a single treaty.

Warsaw looks, surprisingly, like a lovely town.  It’s beautiful and quaint.  Serve up Ben with a side of Apple Pie and it looks like a scene in my 4th grade social studies book.  Hashtag americana.

Ben meets his parents at the local greasy spoon.  Um.  Ben’s dad is a hottie. Hey there, silver fox! Ben tells his parents he’s falling in love.  His mom tries to wipe the horrified look off her face.  Is Ben an only child?  Anyone?  Bueller?

Later, Ben picks up the ladies in a pontoon boat and I’m officially on board with Ben.  Anyone with a boat has me sold.

First One-on-One Date: Lauren B

I think we are finally down to one Lauren, which means I can stop pretending to know who the other Lauren is or what her last name initial is.  Ben tells the story of his first kiss, which happened in 7th grade.  I was still playing with Barbies in 7th grade.  I’m not sure which one of us is the normal one. And if that didn’t convince you, surely this will:

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Really appealing. Who knew I was such a patriot!

You are welcome for that.  Don’t act like you didn’t have an awkward phase.

Ben takes Lauren on a tour of Warsaw, which includes an after school program center where Ben used to work, I assume 10 years ago. Ben and Lauren play with the kids.  Lauren says she fits in well with the kids because she’s the same size as them and only a few years older.  Some members from the Indiana Pacer’s show up to play with the kids.  I think that’s some sort of pro basketball team.  Lauren giggles like a school girl as she tries to play with Paul George’s balls.  I mean basketball.  Ben is irritated that the Pacer’s sent their most attractive player.

Later, Ben takes Lauren to his local dive bar to meet his friends.  Interestingly enough, Farmer Chris took his winner, Whitney, to the bar to meet his friends too.  Coincidence?

Second One-on-One Date: JoJo

JoJo and Ben are heading to the windy city for, I hope, some strolling and shopping on Michigan Ave followed by drinks on the top level of the John Hancock.  Or, in the alternative, a boat architecture tour and a stop at Navy Pier.  Or hit up some of the fantastic museums and see a show.

But no.  Instead, they spend the entire day AND NIGHT at Wrigley.  Look.  I get it.  Wrigley is cool and historic and BLAH BLAH BLAH.  But come on. They weren’t even at a game!  They were just at Wrigley.  Doing nothing.

It’s official.  JoJo’s first trip to Chicago was a total waste. They play baseball, they make out and that’s about it. Zzz.

Group Date: Caila, Becca, Mom

Ben takes the girls to some remote area to row boats and fly kites.  Does anyone else not like flying kites?  I like watching them but I’ve never successfully launched my kite.  Mom agrees and hopes there is more to the date than flying kites. Be careful what you wish for.

Becca pulls Ben aside and tells him “just don’t blindside me.”  Consider yourself forewarned, Bachelor viewers.

The group date is over faster than you can say Chris Harrison.  Mom gets the group date rose and gets to continue her romantic evening  at McDonalds.  She’s hoping she can at least supersize things, or else this is nothing but a total waste.  She can’t believe she’s starved herself for weeks only to have to force down an Egg McMuffin on national TV.

We get it McDonalds.  You sponsor the Bachelor.  Now give me free fries for life and I’ll sing you nothing but high praises.

Ben tells Amanda he brought the girls to Warsaw because he wanted them to experience the normal things he does, such as going to McDonalds. And apparently, working at McDonalds.  Dear god.  This is so stupid.  And that’s coming from someone who eats McDonalds more often than I care to admit.

There was slight redemption when Ben took Amanda to the local carnival.  Ten bucks says it was this same location where Ben smooched his first girl in 7th grade. As Amanda sits at the top of the Ferris Wheel, making out with Ben, she says that she feels like the luckiest girl in the world right now.  A carny could make you feel that way every day for the rest of your life. Just throwing that out there.

Third One-on-One Date: Twin 

Emily gets the last coveted one-on-one date. Ben takes Emily in his pontoon boat, where she verifies that the birds she sees in the water, are in fact, swans.

As a fun surprise, Ben takes Emily to his house to meet his parents.  Emily, totally freaked, wishes she would have worn jeans that exposed less of her knee caps and thighs.

Emily tells the camera she’s really nervous.  She says talking to people makes her really anxious and she doesn’t want to make an idiot of herself.  Ben’s mom pulls Emily aside for some private conversation and what comes out of Emily’s mouth is pure word diarrhea.

  • Emily: So I’m one of the youngest ones here. And like I’m 23 and I don’t know, it’s just been,  I don’t know, kind of hard and I know I’m young and I don’t travel a lot but this has been really hard but I have really blossomed and grown and I didn’t know I would turn into this woman. I am young and there is um so much that I want to do and I have so many dreams and I’ve dreamed of being a NFL cheerleader for as long as I can remember.  And so, yeah, the Denver Broncos.
  • Mom: Horrified face.  Fights back tears.
  • Emily: So it’s just your son and he makes me feel ready and not scared.  I’ve always wanted to get married young and have kids young.  I’ve been average my entire life but I feel like I’ll be an above average wife and mother.

Meanwhile, Ben’s dad calls Emily “very attractive,” and “very young.”  Emily has some alone time with Ben’s dad and tells him that she loves movies and if she could sit around all day, she would watch movies.  And she hates vegetables.

With one rip in her pants too many, her lack of nutritious eating, and her desire to watch movies all day (she’s basically me), Emily pounds the final nail into her proverbial coffin. Poor Em.  She’s such a sweet girl.  And yes, she’s young, and yes, she rambled a bit, but I wouldn’t call her immature.  Maybe slightly naive.  But simply because she wants to be an NFL cheerleader and dyes her hair very very blonde, doesn’t make Emily less deserving of Ben’s love than the next girl.  Maybe she isn’t right for Warsaw, Indiana, but there is definitely some one out there who will love Emily and her twin, exactly as they are.  Maybe even Paul George.  Paul George, you available for my girl Em?

Emily handles the dumping with grace and dignity.  I’m left annoyed by the ABC producers.  Do you really think Ben was considering marrying Emily?  Was this entire date designed to embarrass her?  Was he really just unsure?  What do you guys think?

Ben skips the cocktail party and hands out roses to JoJo, Lauren and Caila.  Becca, looking livid, whispers into Ben’s ear, “why did you do that,”  as though Becca, despite already being on this dumb show once, does not understand the show’s premise.  Apparently she thought threatening him with “don’t blindside me,” meant she couldn’t be eliminated the same way EVERY GIRL gets eliminated.  Now please Becca, don’t come back.  Bye.

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Dragon Breath

The ladies grab their sarongs, sombreros, and string bikinis and head to Mexico City. Ben is confident that with just enough tequila and lime, he can find the woman he’s supposed to marry.  He does not specify if that woman is among the hand selected ABC group, or if he will find his own local mamacita.

The girls arrive at the Four Seasons and Olivia is most excited that she has a bidet.  So many jokes I could make about that, but alas, they are too crass.

One-on-One – Amanda: Let’s Put All Our Eggs in One Basket

Olivia is outraged that Ben would chose her for a one-on-one date.  Doesn’t he know she has… CHILDREN?  The way she says it makes it seem like Amanda has some sort of communicable disease.  Olivia knows children are not what Ben wants.  Um. Really?  Moving on.

Ben decides to surprise the women at 4:30 AM in the hotel room to catch a glimpse of the women in their natural state.  I would have a look of pure hostility on my face.  Nothing makes me more upset than people waking me up.  I wouldn’t even care about the zit cream on my face or the rancid, stagnant toot/ bad breath air (don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about).  I would just be so annoyed with Ben’s perky personality.  Note to husband – nothing makes me dislike you more than when you pop up like a piece of toast and expect me to join suit.  The teacher wears a retainer (totally me), Olivia is unrecognizable and has dragon breath, and Amanda pops out of bed with a face full of flawless makeup and perfectly curled hair.  Right.

Ben takes Amanda and her tiny little voice and bare shoulders on a hot air balloon ride.  I spent the entire date wondering if Amanda’s roots were intentional?  Is that a look?

After the ballon ride, Amanda tells Ben about how her husband was up to no good on his cell phone with other women.  You know what’s ironic?  All these women telling Ben about how their past boyfriends and relationships ended after their partner was unfaithful.  And yet, now they are on the Bachelor…a show that is premised on a dude dating 25 women at the SAME TIME.  Amanda gets the rose.

Group Date

There are seriously some women I’ve never seen before on this date.  Leah?  Who the heck are you!?

The group takes a spanish lesson, which I would bomb. I can’t tell you how frequently I practice trying to roll my Rs with zero success.  One time I rolled my Rs in my sleep and it was glorious.  When Spanish class is over, the girls split into teams of two to go grocery shopping for a cooking contest.  In Mexico they say if you know how to cook, you are ready to get married.

Hey Mexico, the 1950’s called.  They want their motto back.

At the after party, Jubilee starts to slowly deteriorate.  She can’t handle the group date, she’s tired of watching Ben hold hands with other women, she doesn’t have an outgoing personality, Lauren B stole her all white outfit and Olivia’s dragon breath is slowly inducing unconsciousness.

Speaking of Lauren B, while Jubilee starts to have a mental health breakdown, Ben whisks Lauren into the streets of Mexico to make out with her.  When Ben returns, Ben decides it’s time to talk with Jubilee.  He reaches out to take her hand and she rebuffs his attempts.  Probably because you have another woman’s lipstick all over your face.  Just a thought.

The handholding rejection, and general puss-face during group dates, leads Ben to the conclusion that Jubilee will not, in fact, be his wifey.  He makes her leave immediately.  And yet, Dragon Breath remains. Ben rejoins the group and tells them the following: “so um yeah.  Jubilee was someone who I found incredibly intriguing when I first met her.  But now I don’t.  Because she wouldn’t hold my hand in front of your guys.  And that threatened my manhood.  And even though we’re in Mexico and she won the cooking contest and therefore, she’s wife material, she doesn’t like group dates and if my wife doesn’t like it when I date other women, then I don’t want that sort of wife.  Got it?  If I want to date in groups, I’m going to date in groups and my wife better be ok with that.”

The remaining girls all reassure Ben that they are totally fine with him dating as many women as he wants. Dragon Breath got the group date rose.

Second One-on-One Date: Lauren (Kindergarten teacher)

Ben takes Lauren to a fashion show during Mexico City’s fashion week because nothing screams fashion like a kindergarten teacher from Michigan. Miranda Priestly shows up to deliver the news to Lauren that she and Ben will be walking in the fashion show.  They actually manage to do a pretty good job!

At dinner, Lauren tells Ben, wait for it…all about how her ex boyfriend cheated on her.  Is that a new prerequisite for the show?  Bachelor application:

  • Must be willing to show 90% of your skin, regardless of weather conditions
  • Must be willing to make out with Bachelor upon demand, even after Dragon Breath
  • Must be emotionally damaged, including but not limited to the following damaging situations:
    • been cheated on
    • been abused
    • family tragedy
    • used to be fat but then became anorexic
  • Must have body mass index of less than 16
  • Must be less than 25 years of age but older than 20.
  • Must be unemployed or have a job that no self-sufficient woman over the age of 25 would ever dream of having (again, anyone over 25 need not apply)
  • Must fit into shorts you bought in the 6th grade, which really, was not that long ago
  • Must have access to hair extensions, fake eye lashes, and a curling iron
  • Must be willing to say “I do” upon ABC’s demand
  • Must like gaudy rings

Lauren gets the rose.

At the cocktail party, to quote 10 Things I Hate About You, one of the best movies EVER, the shit has hitteth the fan.  While discussing her issues with her ex-husband’s lack of parenting, Olivia tells Amanda it feels like an episode of Teen Mom.

Oh girl.  No you didn’t.  The remaining twin is fed up.  She decides it’s time to pull the blindfold off Ben’s face and tell him all about Dragon Breath’s real personality.

  • Twin: SHE SUCKS.
  • Ben: For real? But she has such a big mouth.
  • Twin: She disrespects me so much.  I’m really upset.
  • Ben: I really appreciate you telling me this.  Between you and me, the ABC producers keep shoving her down my throat.  You too, but that’s a conversation we can have another time.

Right as Ben is about to start handing out roses, Ben asks to speak privately with Olivia.

DUN DUN DUN.

And the show ends.  Will she stay or will she go?!?!

 

 

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Zen with Ben

Ben knows the best way to learn if these women are wife material is to take them to Sin City.  There is so much to test in Vegas.  The following vices can all be assessed:

  • gambling
  • drinking
  • stripping
  • nudity
  • prostitution
  • gluttony
  • and people who like Celine Dion too much

Ben wants a woman who can let her hair down, pretend she loves buffets but really only eats a salad, has no qualms about wearing shirts as dresses in public, drinks all night long without throwing up, and does, indeed, let her heart go on.

Amazingly enough, the first thing out of Olivia’s mouth when she hears they are headed to Vegas is that she wants to see Celine.  Sorry Olivia. You’re out.

First One-on-One Date: Jojo, you set my heart on fire.

Oliva is not threatened by this because Ben is hers.  Ben is her piece (?) and she is zen with Ben.

For Jojo’s date, she decides that less is more.  Less shirt and less shorts = more likely ABC will need to use the privacy black box during this date.  Remember when Bermuda shorts were in style? These chicks definitely don’t remember that. All they’ve ever known are 1 inch inseams.

Or maybe she wore barely any clothes so she wouldn’t add unnecessary weight to the helicopter that picks them up?  As the helicopter lands, its propeller causes gale force winds so Jojo and Ben, naturally, hide behind a cocktail table and make out in plain view of the other ladies.  They spend the helicopter ride making out, which begs the question, why go on the helicopter ride?  YOU’RE MISSING THE VIEW.  COME ON.

After the heli ride, Jojo talks about her ex boyfriend, they make out more, and the date is over.  Most boring date ever.

Group Date

There is some famous ventriloquist who is hosting the group date.  The girls all comment that they grew up watching his show.  I’ve never heard of this dude.  Is this an age gap thing? Do you think the girls have ever heard of Mr. Rogers?

The puppet announces the women are going to put on a talent show for Ben and 1 million other drunk people.  Immediately, I think Olivia’s talent will be stuffing her fist into her giant mouth.  That’s got to be what she’s best at, right?

Olivia ignores my suggestion and instead puts on a showgirl outfit, which is basically a sequined bikini with a feather boa, and she thanks for lucky stripes for the foresight to shave this morning. Her plan is basically to shimmy around and point.  That’s her talent.

To my shock (and slight disappointment), all the other women have actual talent!  The twins do a really good Irish dance, Jubliee plays the cello, someone who I think is unemployed makes ballon animals, another girl juggles, some girl bongs a beer.

And then it was Olivia’s turn.  She started out strong by popping out of a cake.  But then things took a serious turn for the worst.  She would have been better off if she cried and ran off state.  Instead she bobbed around awkwardly, not dissimilar to a bird, and kicked her legs around.  Ben hung his head in embarrassment.  Olivia silently wonders if she can audition for the Rockettes. No. No you can’t. When she goes to hug Ben, reality sets in that the performance was not up to Ben’s standards.  She starts to cry and realizes she was not wife material.

Undeterred, Olivia puts on her best 70’s negligee that lets her ladies hang free and heads to the cocktail party where the theme this evening is who needs pants when you can have a shirt cover almost all of your naughty bits.  Sure hope you shaved today too Caila. Caila decides as soon as she gets Ben alone that she’s just going to throw her legs over his lap and start making out with him.  Conversation be damned.  Ben describes her as a sex panther.  I start to throw up my dinner.

Ben seems drunk as he plays with the puppet and talks to the kindergarten teacher, whose name I do not know because she gets no screen time.  He makes the teacher make out with the puppet.

Second One-on-One Date: Becca 

Becca, the virgin, puts on a crisp white dress and meets Ben at the Little White Chapel.  This date is so dumb I don’t even want to blog about it.  I’d rather count the number of gray hairs on my head, clip my toenails, scoop my cat’s litter-box, wash moldy Tupperware, or listen to sports radio than rewatch this date and blog about it.  That’s how boring and dumb it is.

First Ben fake proposes, then Becca changes into more 70’s lingerie, and then they awkwardly marry people who are either drunk, related, underage, or actors.  Don’t you love when the person officiating your marriage has their chest hair on full display?  Nothing says romance like another man’s chest hair.

becca date

I am just over Becca.  She’s got the personality of a wet rag.  Is there anything in there?  SO BORING.  But I did notice that she’s trying to show slightly more signs of a pulse this season, which led to a heated debate during this week’s show with my friends- is Becca here for Ben or is Becca here to try to be the next Bachelorette?  *note – she’ll never be the Bachelorette because zzzzzzzzzz. What do you think?  Take my poll.

Surprise Two-on-One Date: In it to Twin it

The Twins, who nobody can tell apart, are headed out with Ben on an impromptu hometown date.

The mom, also a bottle blond, is basically like the Twins’ cool older sister.  She reminds me of the mom from Mean Girls.

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Haley takes Ben to her bedroom – it appears she still lives at home with her mom and twin – and there are photos all over of her ex-boyfriend.  Emily tells Ben her connection with him is deeper than her twin.  Ben is easily swayed and decides Emily is the twin he’d like to keep pursuing.  Emily looked more upset by Ben’s decision than Haley.  We need to find these girls a set of identical twins who also don’t want to be without their twin.  Why not just tell them both to stay home – you know you’re not marrying them.  PS – did you see those shots sans makeup?  I didn’t even recognize them!

At the rose ceremony, Olivia gets the last rose, or as she rationalizes, the best for last.  The bartender and the unemployed chick go home.  BYE, Amber.  Don’t let a cocktail hit you in the face on the way out. Amber curls up in a fetal position on a pool lounge chair that earlier hosted a drunk naked passed out girl and the ABC psychotherapist is summoned with the good drugs.

Next week, the women head to Mexico for tequila, tans and tears.

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But She Does Have Fat Toes

You know those times when you are just about to settle in to watch the Bachelor and suddenly your husband comes home and tells you your parent’s SUV, the one you borrowed 6 months ago, is no longer parked on the street? And then the police have to come RIGHT AS THE SHOW IS ABOUT TO START?  Don’t you hate when that happens?

I do.

Not that it happened to me last week.  Nope.  No way. The reason I missed the first 30 minutes of the Bach this week had absolutely nothing to do with the scenario I described above.  Just in case you’re wondering – people don’t like it when you leave a car on the street for weeks and/or months at a time.  Just a friendly PSA.  You know…not that I know or anything.

Can you believe it’s already week 3 at the mansion?  Doesn’t that mean the Bachelor is like 3 weeks away from picking his wife???  Does this mean that Ben and his entourage of 21 year olds will hit the road soon?  Bring your IDs, young ladies!

The show starts with the Mom and the Flight Attendant discussing Olivia.  I actually replayed this four times.  Mom tells Flight Attendant that Olivia spent $40,000 on clothes for the show.

FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS ON CLOTHES????? And my husband thinks I shop too much? Here’s what I could buy with 40K.

  • a luxury vehicle (which I promise to not get towed.  Kidding.  I can’t make that promise.  Parking enforcement around these parts makes that darn near impossible).
  • a new kitchen AND a new bathroom
  • like 30,000 chocolate milk shakes
  • new underwear for years
  • all the SmartWool products EVER
  • a partridge in a pear tree

Chris comes to the mansion to scope out any prospects for himself deliver the news about this week’s dates.  There will be two one-on-one dates and one group date.  Collective OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOs ensue.

Lauren B – The Sky’s The Limit

Who is Lauren B?  The flight attendant – thus the corny sky joke.  Lauren B puts on her spaghetti tank top that conveniently has sleeves so she’s prepared for all types of weather.

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(photo source – http://www.tvjelly.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Screen-Shot-2016-01-19-at-9.56.40-AM.png)

They pull up to a small local airport and the flight attendant, I REPEAT, the flight attendant, is scared to go flying.  Come on.  Basically, the producers kept telling her we’re going to need for you to act super nervous. Act like you’ve never flown before.  Ben can’t remember what you do for a living anyway.

The flight attendant has never seen a plane like this before.  But you have seen Snoopy before…right?  Flying Ace? Or that war we called the Second World War?  Better known as World War II?  No? Not familiar?

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(photo source – https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/5f/49/c9/5f49c96c4c71250bd4685869fd959708.jpg)

The pilot is forced to listen to their cheesy conversation and watch them make out.  The producers have Sky Thrill fly over the mansion, because, of course.  The girls CAN’T EVEN.  THIS TOTALLY SUCKS.

The plane drops them off in the middle of nowhere next to the circle of life tree, as seen on the Lion King.  Also waiting for them is a hot tub.  Lauren is instructed to change behind the tree.  Seriously. Lauren comes out in her tiny bikini and I immediately regret my decision to eat an entire pot of macaroni and cheese.

Side note – did you know someone is still on this show whose employment lists “umemployed” ???  Why is that person still here!  Are there no standards?  Oh.  My mistake.

Back on the date with Lauren, Ben calls her a girl like 50 times in a row.  Ben. Ben. Ben.  She’s a woman.  Ben shares a story about how his dad has heart problems.  Lauren shares a story that she had a perfect life and wants to procreate and make more perfect lives.

Very dramatic piano music plays while Ben gives Lauren the date rose.  All I can picture is the main guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall playing the score for the Bachelor.

Finally, because this show does the same stupid things over and over again, Ben takes Lauren to see some random concert. Of course the lyrics totally speak to Ben.

Group Date: Love is the Goal 

Enough girls head out on a date with Ben that they can form TWO soccer teams.  Two profesh soccer players come out, and of course, the girls like totally know these amazing players.  Liars.

The stakes are high for this date: the losing team will head back to the mansion reeking of pathetic defeat, will receive care for any concussions they have suffered, and will lose precious moments to bond with Ben, thus limiting their chances of securing the Neil Lane.  The winning team, sweating with nothing but victory and a subtle rose scent, will join Ben for a booze infused evening where there is sure to be drama, spit swapping, and ample opportunity to backstab.  Whatever it takes to find your man. May the best twin win.  Yes, the twins are separated.

The teams are divided by stars and stripes.  The stripes look like they just escaped the local penitentiary.  Perhaps some did.  AHHHEMMM Olivia.

Unemployed girl gets injured and Olivia seizes the opportunity to score against the girl whose leg needs to be amputated.  She will stop at nothing.

Oliva continues her aggression at the cocktail party; she’s embraced Sarah Palin’s philosophy- pit bull with lipstick.  Ben is mid sentence when Olivia steals him away from the group.  The women take this opportunity to talk about Olivia behind her back (also the only reason we watch this dumb show)

  • Twin: She’s like, just so like, aggressive.
  • Amber: But she does have fat toes.  I’ve noticed. (VERBATIM QUOTE!)
  • Twin: (privately) They were making fun of her toes.  Toes should not matter.  But she has terrible breath. I wonder if he’s smelling what I smell.

Jami, who I always want to call Jammy but is really called Jamie, is not going to let these biotches talk about her friend’s toes like that.  But rather than stand up to them, she decides to just tell Olivia about the toe smack.

  • Jami: They started picking apart your appearances.
  • Olivia: (looking indignant, but all knowing) Let me guess. My calves.
  • Jami: No.
  • Olivia: MY CANKLES?
  • Jame: No. Your toes.  Your toes like aren’t cute.
  • Olivia: (looking shocked.  She had considered her calves and her cankles as her only flaw – nobody had ever mentioned her toes.)  My toes?!

Olivia tells the camera she knows she has bad toes. She hates her toes.

Date rose goes to Bachelor repeat, Amber.

Second One on One Date: Jubilee 

Ben shows up for the date 20 minutes late and Jubilee teases Ben about it.  Then she makes a joke about not being excited.  The girls see this as no laughing matter.  No jokes can be made in the presence of the Bachelor. This could be your husband.  Do not be aco-taco.

Jubilee, terrified of heights, asks the girls as Ben makes her board a helicopter, if someone else wants to go on the date, thus sealing her fate as the most hated woman in the house. Olivia might have fat toes and a mean personality but her status as most hated is revoked when Jubilee shows anxiety over heights.  HOW DARE SHE!  Doesn’t she know that if Ben wants to march her straight into an anxiety attack or to her death, she should do so not only with open arms but a coquettish smile on her face and just the right amount of exposed midriff too? Doesn’t she know that?!

Good luck getting the target off your back, Jub.

Amber is livid.  Ben just planned (um wrong) her an amazing date and she is not grateful enough.

The heli flies them to a mansion.  We learn Jubilee does not like caviar but loves hot dogs. With you girl.  We also learn that Ben wants all dates to include a hot tub.

Personally, I love Jubilee and I’m really happy she got the rose.

But the girls back at the house? Not so much. It’s gang up on Jubilee night at the cocktail party and leading the charge is Amber.  Get a life, Amber.

Before Amber can start her crusade against Jubilee, Ben comes in with an announcement that his good family friends have died.  Olivia sees this as the perfect opportunity to tell Ben about her insecurities: her cankles. She starts to cry about people who blog about her cankles.  Ben is irritated that Olivia wants to talk about her fat ankles at this moment.

Jubilee takes a different approach and massages Ben because she knows it’s his favorite thing.  Amber is livid. She basically chases Jubilee around and forces her to try to hide in the bathroom, but she doesn’t respect that boundary either.  Amber verbally assaults Jubilee. I wish Ben would have taken the rose away from Amber and sent her home.  FYI, Ben is never going to pick you.  Go back to making rum and cokes and leave us alone.

In the most insightful moment this season, Lace decides to send herself home because Lace needs to work on herself.  She’s not living up to her tattoo: you can’t love someone else until you truly love yourself.  Half of me is horrified that she had to get a tattoo to remind herself of that and also horrified that she is disappointed in herself for not listening to her tattoo, but the other half of me is really proud that she recognizes her issues and wants to work on them.  My next tattoo suggestion for you is “the first step is admitting you have a problem.”

Till tomorrow!

 

 

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Sour

I was away this weekend and as such I didn’t have five hours to dedicate to rewatching this riveting episode of the Bachelor while simultaneously composing a blog post that is both witty and blithe yet to all of our horror, truthful with a touch of hyperbole (but sadly, not much because, well, the girls speak for themselves).

But let’s be honest.  We all watch this dumb show just so we can sit around talking about how ridiculous the whole thing is.  I wouldn’t want to disappoint you by not recapping at all because that would be no fun.  So let’s take a moment and talk about what we learned during week two at the mansion.

Lesson No. One:  It’s Never Ok to Talk About Yourself in the Third Person.  Also STOP CALLING YOURSELF CRAZY. K THANKS.

Lace is nursing a serious hangover.  She wonders if Ben saw her stab her Ben voodoo doll over and over again in the eyes during the rose ceremony.  She vows not to drink until at least 2 PM.  She is determined to let Ben know she’s NOT CRAZY.  Repeat.  LACE IS NOT CRAZY. Here’s the convo she had with herself:

  • Lace: Lace got a little too drunk that night.  That was not Lace.  Lace is not crazy.
  • Lace: I am going to show Ben that Lace is not crazy.  Lace is wondering if Ben thinks Lace is crazy.
  • Lace: These b*tches can suck it.
  • Lace: Do you even notice me? Do you know I’m here? HELLO?
  • Lace: Ben didn’t get to know the real Lace.  He saw a different Lace.  He saw a side of Lace I didn’t want to come out.
  • Lace: Lace is never getting enough time with Ben.  Lace is so sad she’s letting her crazy show.
  • Lace: We’re making eye contact galore.  We’re almost EYE BEEPING.  (She actually said this.  These words).

Lesson No. Two: Olivia Has the World’s Biggest Mouth.  Literally.  And Probably Figuratively. 

Olivia is riding high on her first impression rose.  Hastag MrsHiggins.  I’ve got a hashtag for you: iveneverseensuchahugemouthbeforeinmylifeanditsalwaysopenmrshiggins.

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http://www.bustle.com/articles/134966-olivia-caridis-mouth-inspires-hilarious-bachelor-memes-that-will-make-your-whole-night

Olivia is this season’s mean girl.  She thinks her shit don’t stink (sadly the Bachelor basically says so much too – more on that later).

Lesson Three: Maybe Consult a Map and Locate the State of Indiana Before You Sign Up for The Bachelor and Date a Hoosier.  ALSO WHY DON’T YOU KNOW WHERE THE STATE OF INDIANA IS ON A MAP.  UGH.  Or Chicago?????

I’m looking at you, Becca.  Yikes.  Instead of hopping from season to season on the Bachelor, why don’t you learn some geography. And other things you should have learned in fourth grade.  Just a thought.  The group date this week features the girls going back to school.  Some of the school lessons included making Ben’s volcano explode (that was science, not sex ed), bobbing for apples, placing Indiana on a map, basketball, and jumping some hurdles.  The Dentist won the school competition (as she should have since she’s the most educated person there) and she was crowned homecoming queen.  Ben tries to hide his disappointment that the person he least wanted to be his queen was the winner.  Oh well, think of it like a romcom, Ben.

Lesson Four: Never. EVER. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DESCRIBE A WOMAN’S SCENT AS BEING SOUR. 

I didn’t know we’d need a lesson on this but inevitably, we do. On the second group date where Olivia’s giant mouth dominates her competition, Ben is forced to breathe in the ovaries of the women after they’ve worked up a sweat.  He describes all of them using words like, floral, sweet, fruity but then he got to Samantha.  And the words he can never take back came out of his mouth.  Sour.  He says Sam smells SOUR.

I. would. have. died.

Like for real.  I would have crawled into Olivia’s mouth and died.

Lesson Five: Kevin Hart Hot Tubs Nude. 

That is all.

 

 

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Let’s Be Honest. Who Wants A Beeping Virgin?

Guess who’s back.  Back again.

Since last we saw each other, so much has changed.  Kaitlyn had sex with Nick.  (We all make mistakes, Kaitlyn). Neil Lang created yet another gaudy, tacky, iceberg of a diamond ring, which was slipped on Kaitlyn’s finger by Sean and the producers of ABC’s The Bachelor. (Again, we all make mistakes, Kaitlyn).  Participation ribbon winner, Ben Higgens, was named this season’s latest piece of Bachelor meat with 26 desperate women (desperate for a myriad of things including but not limited to fame, love, attention, STDs, giant diamond ring likely to induce wrist injury, future Bachelorette, ample hot-tub time, sparkly gowns, Chris Harrison, and embarrassing your family).

But alas my loyal readers.  The biggest change of them all.  Aside from the fact that at the age of 30, I’m now considered a cougar in Bachelor land, I have forever taken myself out of the running to vie for the love of a complete and utter stranger who could have become my husband in six short weeks,  while competing against a bunch of cocktail waitresses and chicken enthusiasts, wearing my finest pair of shorts from the 6th grade that show off just enough butt cheek but not too much and subsiding on nothing but vodka and the smell of coconut-scented sunscreen.  Why you ask?

BECAUSE THIS:

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And also THIS!

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That’s right.  I’m hitched. I’m officially off the Bachelor market.  And now that our wedding is behind us, I can get back to the important things in life.  Like making fun of people commenting on the new season of the Bachelor.  I have to admit, I’ve missed this.

Without further ado, let’s meet our Bachelor, Ben Higgins.

 

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Hey, Ben!  Healthy meal you got there! I always eat my salmon shirtless too.  We’ve got so much in common.

Here’s what we know about Ben.  He’s 26.  I’ll let that sink in for a second.  FYI Ben, there is this app called Tinder – I think you’d do ok on it.  He eats dinner in the buff. He’s a midwestern boy from Indiana.  Kaitlyn dumped him.  He’s some sort of salesman (a job totally worth making a fool of yourself and fighting over, obviously). He wants a wife with small-town values (all I heard was women should be seen, not heard).  He fears being unloveable.  I’m sorry but WHO SAYS THAT?  What is that about?  Is it weird that I find myself totally lovable?  He’s hoping the next time he sees his parents, he’ll have a “young lady,” on his arm.  Luckily for Ben, he has a bevy of eligible 21 year olds eager to take tequila shots out of his bellybutton.  And last but not least, he let ABC give him the world’s WORST haircut.

Who better to help Ben in his quest to find a “young lady,” than three Bachelor vets, who include Farmer Chris, Sean, and some old guy named Jason.  No but you guys.  Jason looks down right middle aged.  BECAUSE HE IS.  He’s 13 years older than the current Bachelor.  He could have birthed the current Bachelor.  It would have been weird, but he could have.

Farmer Chris has no advice, because well, Whitney hates him. Oh and to kiss all the girls.  Sean’s advice is to find a subservient woman whose dream in life is to cook and clean for her man.  Jason’s advice is to treat women like your equal.  ABC producers quickly tell Ben to disregard such silly advice.

For the next hour and a half we meet Ben’s ladies.  It’s the usual cast of characters: the villain, the clinger, the crier, the drunk, the unusual, the miniature horse, and the repeats. Here are the standouts:

Most Likely to Need an Order for Protection Against 

And the award goes to… Caila!

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[photo source]

Sure, she looks sweet and innocent but girl is convinced Ben is her soulmate.  And why wouldn’t she?  They are both software sales reps.  #soulmatesforeverandeverandeverxoxoxo.  She’s 24, which is perfect for Ben’s desire for a “young lady.”  And she broke up with her boyfriend after she saw Ben on TV, because you know, fate.  Hashtag FATE.  Careful Ben.  Somewhere Caila is slowly making her very own Ben hair doll.

Caila wastes no time with the creep factor, instantly running into Ben’s arms, forcing him to hold her in his arms as soon as she gets two feet out the limo door.

Most Likely to Abuse Access to Laughing Gas and Prescription Drugs

Mandi!

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Can you believe this chick actually holds a medical license?  When Ben comments on her giant rose hat, she responds saying that “maybe if things go well tonight, you can pollinate it later.”  Class act.

Mandi is no shrinking violet.  In fact, she’s the opposite; she’s the first impression rose.  She seizes the first opportunity to steal Ben away from the group while he’s mid-sentence welcoming all the ladies on this “epic journey.”  Mandi wastes no time crossing boundaries and insists on giving Ben an oral examination (not that kind, you sicko!).  “If we’re going to make out, you have to floss,” says Mandi, the dentist.  Something tells me she says that way too often to her patients too.

Most Likely to Be A Porn Star

Or stars, I should say.  This award goes to the Twins.  The 22 year old Vegas twins.  Whose contract just ran out with the circus.

Emily and Haley are bottle blonds who love their act as twins.  ferguson-twins-1-750x522-1444058014.jpg

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These two surely embody the midwestern small-town values Ben wants in his future wife.  They tell the cameras that dating twins is every man’s fantasy.  To calm Ben, the girls tell him, “it’s not weird for us so it shouldn’t be weird for you.”  I’m not even sure what this means anymore.

Most Likely To Be Confused With a Little Child 

If you only heard her voice, you would definitely think this was a 6 year old.  And if you only saw her tiny little body and tiny little frame you would still think it’s a 6 year old.  But don’t be fooled. This tiny lady with the tiny voice is actually a mother two two, presumably, little children. Meet Amanda.

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She’s just like the tiniest adult I’ve ever seen.  I want to hear her yell.  Is it possible?

Most Likely To Stab A Fellow Contestant While They Are Sleeping

What an award!  The deserving lady is Lace. That’s her actual name.  Lace.  In case you are confused as to which chick she is, she wore a lace dress, as to not confuse Ben.

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[photo source]

Oh Lace.  You seem like such a delight! My favorite kind of woman is the type who gets super drunk, acts majorly insecure, cries multiple times, sizes herself up against the competition and declares herself the prettiest, attempts to make out with a person upon first seeing them, gets upset when said person rejects them, gets more upset when said person doesn’t make enough eye contact, and generally acts like a psycho.  Love those types.  We heard the following gems from Lace:

  • I’m just sitting here judging everyone, because that’s the point, right?
  • Next.
  • I feel like there are some dumb ones.  I feel like there are some pretty ones.
  • That’s really BEEPING special.
  • I don’t think there is one girl so far that is competition.  I think I’m way prettier than everyone.  Like, you know.
  • She’s so fake.
  • Do my boobs look ok?
  • I am not going to let Becca get in my way tonightttt. I’m gonna get a roseeee. (slow your roll there Lace- your words are getting pretty sloppy).
  • I’m getting a rose tonight. (By way of murder?)
  • That b*tch. (an actual quote.  Mind you, these are all actual quotes.)
  • He hasn’t even looked me once in the eye. (But has he looked you in the eyes?)
  • Let’s be honest, who wants a BEEPING virgin? (I think quite a few people, actually. Or was that a rhetorical question?)
  • Do you even notice me? HELLO?! (no, I do not.  I refuse to).
  • If you want me to go home, just tell me to go home.  (GO HOME!)
  • You did not look at me once.  You would not look at me.  I watched you. (Creepy).

When Lace can no longer take the heat, she gets out of the kitchen and takes matters into her own hands.  It’s time to make out with Ben.  Seems completely appropriate. Ben decides not to follow in the footsteps of most hated Bachelor ever, Juan Pablo, and tells Lace not to listen to Rod Steward: tonight is not the night.  Lace vows to seek revenge for the rest. of. her. life. Black widow, you have met your match.

Most Likely To Tie Ben Up and Hold Him Against His Will

I might be getting this idea from a movie, namely, the Wedding Crashers, because this girl looks just like Isla Fisher!  Plus, we all know it’s Caila who is most likely to tie Ben up and hold him against his will.  Meet JoJo (unclear if she is a member of amazing duo K-Ci and JoJo).

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[photo source]

JoJo wears a unicorn mask thing so Ben knows unicorns really do exist.  As do doppelgängers. Jojo actually seems fairly normal and pretty adorable.  This award is totally undeserving but for the fact that she looks like Isla Fisher.  I think she agrees – her bio indicates the Wedding Crashers is her favorite movie. Liar. We all know Shopaholic is your favorite Isla movie.

There are plenty of beautiful women for Ben to choose from– Olivia, Becca, Amber, Jubiliee, the adorable red-head he sent home who sadly calls herself Red Velvet, the girl who doesn’t speak English, etc.  How sad would you be if Ben chose a girl who didn’t speak a lick of English over you?

What do you guys think?  Excited for completely average Ben to be your Bachelor?  Is Lace getting a bad edit or is she really just that crazy? Does Ben floss daily?   Does every rose have its thorns?

IS THERE A SINGLE CONTESTANT OVER THE AGE OF 30?  Sigh.  Excuse me, I have some anti-aging eye cream I need to go administer.

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Fiance Type Stuff

Last Monday night I had big decisions to make.  What did I want to chow down on while I watched the Bachelorette finale?  Carbs?  Chinese food?  A gyro?  Pizza?  The possibilities seemed endless.  Finally my friends and I settled on burgers.  The kind with cheese oozing out of the middle of them.  I took my time in the kitchen plating the food from their greasy take-out boxes when all the sudden, from the other room, one of my friends started yelling, “THERE’S NO RECAP.  IT’S ON.”

Unprecedented.  Since when does this show just start without a 15-20 minute recap of the past ten weeks?  Don’t we need to hear how hard this week is going to be and what an amazing journey Andi’s had and how confident she is that one of the last two will make an amazing husband?

Chris Harrison welcomes us with live commentary.  He tells the audience that the man who was rejected is stalking Andi.  The broken-hearted reject traveled to Mexico and the Men Tell All to confront Andi.  Andi refused to talk to him both times.  Now, the reject is required to keep a minimum distance of 100 feet between him and Andi and he is to have no unavoidable contact with her.  He is not allowed to text, Facebook, email, call, write, or send aerial messages (Farmer Chris style).  Failure to comply with said conditions will result in an immediate casting in Bachelor in Paradise.

Nick Meets the Andi’s 

Anyway, as I said, there is NO RECAP.  It’s time to jump right in with all the roses.  Up first?  Nick.  Nick puts on his tightest shirt (which I think I might own) and tightest pair of shorts and heads over to meet Hy and the rest of the family.  Nick brings flowers for Momma Patti, scotch for Daddy Hy and nothing for Andi’s sister.  Come on Nick, you gotta win over sisters too. We like gift cards to Target, wine, massages (from professionals – not from you.  Ew.) and Chris Harrison.  Any of those options would have been acceptable for sister Rachel.

Right off the bat, Hy is not impressed.  Nick is nervous, boring, and sweaty.  Patti notices that Nick is nervous and not affectionate towards Andi.  Nick starts mumbling at lunch and everyone looks bored to tears.  Nick tells the camera, “the worst thing that could happen today is they think I’m a jackass.”  I’m not sure they think you are a jackass yet, Nick.  That comes later.  All in good time.

Nick tells Andi’s mom he loves Andi and nobody else will ever make him feel that way.  Momma Patti starts to cry.  Tears of joy?  Or tears of fear?  Meanwhile, Andi pulls Rachel aside to over share about kissing Nick.  I get distracted because Rachel looks familiar.  And then I realize she’s Jasmine.

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Nick asks scary Daddy Hy for his blessing to marry Andi.  He laughs the whole time while seeking permission and Hy reluctantly says “if y’all two choose each other, that would be wonderful.”  Andi pulls Hy aside and tells him not to worry.  No way in heck will she pick that dude.

Josh Meets the Andi’s

It’s time for the fam dam to meet Josh.  Josh could have used some steroid shots because that boy is sweatin’ like a pig.  But no worries because Josh chose to wear the exact same outfit as Hy – a silky blue button down and some white shorts.  Except Josh thought he’d leave his shirt unbuttoned down to his belly button.  Cute.  And he also decided to steal a pair of Andi’s white Bermuda shorts.  Flowers for Momma Patti and lung cancer sticks for Hy.  Come on, Josh.  It looks like Hy could use a plate of broccoli and a couple laps in the pool, not cigars.

I’m sort of in love with Andi’s crop top and cute patterned blue skirt.  Momma Hy says Josh is boisterous and chaotic.  What a ringing endorsement!

Jasmine Rachel has a sea turtle tattoo.

Josh’s teeth.  Seriously.  So white.

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They remind of the time Ross whitened his teeth:

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In fact, they sort of look alike.

Hy gives Josh his blessing to shack up with his daughter.  Josh is so excited.  He runs back to his hotel to apply more hair gel and whitening strips in anticipation of his last date with Andi.

Josh’s Last Supper

The best thing to wear on your last date with Andi, to give one last final impression, is the most hideous, bargain bin, bro-tank.  Ugh.  He just needs a keg cup in hand to complete the look.  What a frat boy.  They go on a boat.  Boring boring boring.  Andi’s hair is blowing around.  Boring. More boat.

Josh writes Andi a letter and reads it to her.  Can’t she read it to herself?  Josh makes Andi her own baseball card with her stats.  The card says “Andi Murray,” which is Josh’s last name.  Cute Josh, cute.  A lot more fun than the weird gift Nick’s about to give Andi.

Nick’s Last Supper

Nick doesn’t wear a bro-tank for his final date with Andi but he does chose an equally unfortunate outfit.  Blue on blue.  Did they have to send the wardrobe department home early?  Come on.  These outfits are not acceptable.

Andi is taking Nick off-roading in a Jeep for their last adventure.  Second Jeep of the season.  New sponsor? Nick drives like 10 MPH and Andi fake screams in excitement.  They head to a private lagoon for a picnic.  Nick leans in to kiss Andi.  Andi pushes him away.

Back at Andi’s casa, Nick breathes deeply and is on the edge of having a nervous breakdown.  He can’t believe the 9 weeks are already over.  9 WEEKS?  Seriously, I have a gallon of milk in my fridge that’s over 9 weeks old (ok, that’s a lie.  Everyone knows I guzzle milk like nobody’s business).  But 9 weeks does not an engagement make.

Andi tells Nick he should be confident.  Nick says Andi is giving him all the signs.  Kate says uh oh.

Maybe Andi was legitimately considering Nick…until he gave her the world’s ugliest necklace.  It’s a pendant filled with sand on a ridiculously thin long chain from one of the 10000 beaches they went to.  Andi is so mortified she flings it onto her neck so she doesn’t have to look at it.  Again, she wonders why the personal shopper didn’t help Nick with the final gift.

So who will she pick?  The bigger question is who won’t she pick.

Neil pops in to give let Josh peruse his collection of gaudy, costume jewelry rings.  Josh picks one fit for Las Vegas and Neil buffs it up nice and shiny on his chest hair.  All is right in the world.

And then with a couple knocks on Nick’s door, his fate is sealed.  There will be no Neil Lane for Nick.  There will be no “will you accept this rose” for Nick.  There will only be the memory of fiancé type things (more on that later), potentially an STD, and regret over giving Andi something that a 7th grader would give his crush (the fairytale book AND the sand necklace).

Andi walks into Nick’s hotel room.  She’s a little surprised he’s wearing a shirt made out of the table-cloth from their picnic yesterday but she’s got bigger things to worry about.

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Andi tells Nick that she woke up this morning and didn’t think things were right.  Nick stays mum and Andi starts repeating over and over again, “It’s not right.  It’s not what I envisioned.  It’s not right.”  Andi tries SO HARD to shed tears but none come.  She tells Nick that he over analyzes every single thing and that she can’t have fun with him.  Nick asks if this is about them or someone else?  Andi just shrugs.  Nick tells Andi she took things too far.  She sure did take things too far.  All the way to funky town.

Just like that, ABC managed to make it rain.  Do you think they purposely made Andi dump Nick when they knew it was about to rain?  It’s just too perfect.

Back in the hotel room, Nick packs his tiny little suitcase and chucks his old roses into the hotel trash can.  Who needs those.  Nick gets into the rejection SUV and says he feels like such a fool.  Meanwhile, Andi enlists the help of her glam squad, cause it’s engagement time y’all!

The Final Rose Ceremony

Ten bucks says she picks Josh.  Or is your money on Chris Harrison? I am in LOVE with Andi’s dress.  I think it’s gorgeous and beautiful on her.  Wouldn’t it make such a great beachy wedding dress?  They should just get hitched now!

I wish I could say the same about Josh’s outfit.  What. in. the. world.  How TIGHT is that suit?  He’s bulging out of it.  It’s so ill-fitting.  Did his get mixed up with Nick’s?  Is he trying to channel the incredible hulk?  While I’m contemplating how soon it will be before the whole thing rips open, Josh launches into a well-rehearsed, memorized soliloquy.  Did he have a teleprompter?  Who knew he was capable of memorizing all those lines.  Andi tells Josh she loves him and like a dutiful soldier, Josh takes his cue and drops to one knee.  The Neil Lane slips onto Andi’s finger and Andi can’t help but stare at her new bling.  Josh is sweating bullets.  Seriously, he might need to have his glands checked out.  He must be so thirsty!

So Andi and Josh live happily ever after.

But Nick?  Not so happily ever after.  Especially once the order for no contact went into effect.

After the Final Rose 

After my friends and I consumed more grease than we thought humanly possible, we convinced my lovely boyfriend to run out and get us shakes to help us through the next hour.  There may or may not have been a cheers to Chris Harrison involved:

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But back to the show.  Here’s what we learn:

1)  Nick is back in Milwaukee (holler to the MKE!) and can’t wake up from this nightmare.

2) He’s having a hard time letting go of something so special.  He’s not over her.

3)  Nick’s mom has a nose piercing.  And cries when she thinks of Nick hurt.

4) Nick decides the best way to tell Andi she’s making a mistake is to try stalking her.  He flies to the Men Tell All (filmed long after the engagement) to try to talk to Andi.  Andi says oh heck no and Nick is denied access.

5)  Chris Harrison’s dressing room is filled with 50 shirts — all shades of blue.  Not to be confused with  50 Shades of Gray.

6) Chris Harrison delivers a letter to Andi on behalf of Nick.  Not without first reading it out-loud to all the crew and having a good chuckle.

It’s time to bring out Andi.

Nick stumbles over his words for 15 minutes and when it’s Andi’s turn to talk she says she wasn’t in love with him and never told him she loved him.  Nick says that’s hard to hear and the hardest part is “I guess you know like, knowing how in love with you I was, if you weren’t in love with me, I’m just not sure why you, you made love with me.”

And that’s when an audible gasp came from my living room and I received the following text message from my best friend:

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It. just. got. interesting.  I mean we KNOW what goes on in the fantasy suite but nobody ever SAYS it!  Until now.  Andi’s reaction?  Not impressed. She tells Nick his comment was below the belt.  Nick says, yes that’s exactly what happened.  It was all below the belt.  Andi says the things she did with him and said to him were real.  That position?  Totally real.

Nick says the things they did together were “fiancé type of stuff.”  Geez.  What did they do?  What is strictly reserved for your fiancé?  Andi is fuming.  She tells him that she does way more fun things with her real fiancé.

Here’s my theory: Andi broke up with Nick after the fantasy suite night and all the love makin’ because Nick was bad in bed.

Regardless I see both sides of this situation.  I think it’s a tad gross that Andi had sex with two different men back to back.  But I also think Nick didn’t need to kiss and tell.  And I really do think it’s possible that Andi might have picked Nick but for his performance that night…

As for Andi and Josh?  They actually seem really in love!  Kind of cute.  I’ll for sure blog about their wedding.  Let’s just hope it’s not another “grown sexy” themed wedding.

Thanks “y’all” for reading this season.  Will you guys watch Bachelor in Paradise?  I will give it a shot.  Unsure about blogging about it.  Thoughts?  Who should be the next Bachelor?  Chris Harrison?  Farmer Chris?  Bad in bed Nick?  Until next time!

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He’s Got a Body on Him

One word sums up this episode: boring.  What a snooze-fest.  I’ve seen more drama on episodes of Full House.  I mean remember when DJ had to choose between Steve and the rich guy, Nelson?  Drama!  Oddly enough, that plot line was similar to this plot line…

Anyway, Andi and her remaining three dudes land in the DR for some quality sexcapades overnight dates to better [ahem] get to know each other.  Biblically.  Except for Farmer Chris.  She’s not going to be shuckin’ any of his corn.   He’s not going to be plowin’ any of her fields.  That was my lame attempt at farming erotica.

Andi is soooooo excited to be in the Dominican Republic.  It’s the perfect place to fall in love.  The first 45 minutes of the show are devoted to recapping the entire season– in case you forgot what happened the past month of this show.  You know the show is really struggling for content when they make us watch Andi “journal.”  Seeing as she turns to the very first page in her spiral notebooks indicates she’s journaling for the first time since 5th grade.

First Overnight Date: Nick 

A HELICOPTER ride!  Yippy!  It’s been a while! And wouldn’t you know it – ABC manages to find some corral from the helicopter that’s shaped like a heart.  How convenient romantic. Andi takes Nick to a private island, where Andi declares, “this is freaking amazing.”  You know what else is also a little amazing?  Nick’s body is actually pretty nice.  I didn’t expect that.  He must have borrowed some roids from Cody.  Andi says, “Nick.  UGH.  He’s got a body on him.”  Ok creeper. She calls Nick passionate and says “It’s that adult romance with Nick.”  Please go no further.  I don’t want to throw up the 10 Oreos I just ate.

Nick and Andi talk about his past relationship and the conversation once again was like this– Nick: like, I, like, I was like, young.  Like.  I was like.  Yeah.  It’s life.  Like that’s the thing.  Like, yeah.

Boy, he’s articulate. Like.

At dinner, Nick tells Andi he did what a typical midwestern guy would do for a girl.  He wrote her a fairytale.  Um.  I’m sorry but I’ve dated a LOT of midwestern guys– in fact I’ve never not dated a midwestern guy– and yet not a one of them ever wrote me a fairytale.  And that’s really quite ok.  Sadly the fairytale was just another recap.  So boring.  So stupid.  So over this.  Does Nick think Andi is a 5 year old?

Andi whips out the fantasy suite card and Nick says he is most excited to talk Andi’s ear off the entire night.  Andi’s thrilled they are going to be doing all this “talking” all night long.  Before they head to the room to swap bodily fluids, he says “like” 500 times and finally “I love you.”

Second Overnight Date: Josh

It’s laundry day for Andi so she decides to wear black running shorts with a yellow flowy lacy top on her date with Josh.  It’s…weird.  Andi wants Josh to tell her he loves her.  If not, no sex for him talking all night long in the fantasy suite.  Andi and Josh explore the little town and what do you know, they end up at a baseball diamond.  I swear this is the last 5 dates these two have been on.

Oh my gosh.  I’m seriously so bored.  Their convo at dinner is so boring I don’t even have anything witty to say about it.  He said he wants to marry her and he loves her.  What’s with his weird accent?  Eventually they head to the recently sanitized fantasy suite, where Josh, unlike Nick, is excited to do anything but talk.

Not Gonna Happen Overnight Date: Farmer Chris

I saw this coming.  I love Chris and I realllllly hope he’s the next Bachelor but I knew Andi was never going to pick him.  There’s no way that chick can keep up her five minutes of fame in Iowa.  Ain’t gonna happen.

Andi spends the date telling Chris over and over again how much she loves his family.  Seriously, it’s all she says all day; your family is so great, I love them!  Yeah well they officially hate you.

Andi wears tiny white shorts for some horseback riding, which apparently she finds terrifying.  Eventually, they play ghost in the grave yard.  Alone.  Maybe not the smoothest move.  It was cute with your family.  It’s just weird alone in a field.

At dinner Andi realizes it’s time to dump the farmer.  While never once looking at him, she tells him 10 times that it’s not Iowa (which really means, it’s actually Iowa) and tells him that it’s actually him.  Oh.  That’s worse.  You should have said it was Iowa.  She basically says her feelings aren’t as strong for him as they are for the other guys.  Andi says she’s unsure about the relationship.  Farmer Chris is stunned and caught off guard.  He tells her he just wants to fall in love with her and that’s happening and that he doesn’t want to change one thing about her.  Farmer Chris can’t believe he’s being dumped for Nick.  The least manly guy ever.  I can’t believe it either Farmer Chris but I’m thankful because I certainly could not watch Nick for a season as the next Bachelor.

As the consummate gentleman, Farmer Chris offers Andi his arm as they walk out to the rejection car.  He wishes her the best and says goodbye.  He’s such a gentle soul.

Andi still conducts a rose ceremony and Nick and Josh accept their roses. Josh brags about all the “non-talking” he and Andi did last night.  Nick responds with 100 likes and then brags that he’s like, the favorite, and like, Andi loves talking to him, like the most.

See you tomorrow for the Men Tell All!  Will anyone else tell Andi she’s an actress?  Will Farmer Chris be announced as the next Bachelor?  Will this episode be a little less dull than the fantasy suite date episode?  Please, please PLEASE let it be more exciting!

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