Category Archives: Bachelorette

Fiance Type Stuff

Last Monday night I had big decisions to make.  What did I want to chow down on while I watched the Bachelorette finale?  Carbs?  Chinese food?  A gyro?  Pizza?  The possibilities seemed endless.  Finally my friends and I settled on burgers.  The kind with cheese oozing out of the middle of them.  I took my time in the kitchen plating the food from their greasy take-out boxes when all the sudden, from the other room, one of my friends started yelling, “THERE’S NO RECAP.  IT’S ON.”

Unprecedented.  Since when does this show just start without a 15-20 minute recap of the past ten weeks?  Don’t we need to hear how hard this week is going to be and what an amazing journey Andi’s had and how confident she is that one of the last two will make an amazing husband?

Chris Harrison welcomes us with live commentary.  He tells the audience that the man who was rejected is stalking Andi.  The broken-hearted reject traveled to Mexico and the Men Tell All to confront Andi.  Andi refused to talk to him both times.  Now, the reject is required to keep a minimum distance of 100 feet between him and Andi and he is to have no unavoidable contact with her.  He is not allowed to text, Facebook, email, call, write, or send aerial messages (Farmer Chris style).  Failure to comply with said conditions will result in an immediate casting in Bachelor in Paradise.

Nick Meets the Andi’s 

Anyway, as I said, there is NO RECAP.  It’s time to jump right in with all the roses.  Up first?  Nick.  Nick puts on his tightest shirt (which I think I might own) and tightest pair of shorts and heads over to meet Hy and the rest of the family.  Nick brings flowers for Momma Patti, scotch for Daddy Hy and nothing for Andi’s sister.  Come on Nick, you gotta win over sisters too. We like gift cards to Target, wine, massages (from professionals – not from you.  Ew.) and Chris Harrison.  Any of those options would have been acceptable for sister Rachel.

Right off the bat, Hy is not impressed.  Nick is nervous, boring, and sweaty.  Patti notices that Nick is nervous and not affectionate towards Andi.  Nick starts mumbling at lunch and everyone looks bored to tears.  Nick tells the camera, “the worst thing that could happen today is they think I’m a jackass.”  I’m not sure they think you are a jackass yet, Nick.  That comes later.  All in good time.

Nick tells Andi’s mom he loves Andi and nobody else will ever make him feel that way.  Momma Patti starts to cry.  Tears of joy?  Or tears of fear?  Meanwhile, Andi pulls Rachel aside to over share about kissing Nick.  I get distracted because Rachel looks familiar.  And then I realize she’s Jasmine.

IMG_4642.JPGJasmine_13

Nick asks scary Daddy Hy for his blessing to marry Andi.  He laughs the whole time while seeking permission and Hy reluctantly says “if y’all two choose each other, that would be wonderful.”  Andi pulls Hy aside and tells him not to worry.  No way in heck will she pick that dude.

Josh Meets the Andi’s

It’s time for the fam dam to meet Josh.  Josh could have used some steroid shots because that boy is sweatin’ like a pig.  But no worries because Josh chose to wear the exact same outfit as Hy – a silky blue button down and some white shorts.  Except Josh thought he’d leave his shirt unbuttoned down to his belly button.  Cute.  And he also decided to steal a pair of Andi’s white Bermuda shorts.  Flowers for Momma Patti and lung cancer sticks for Hy.  Come on, Josh.  It looks like Hy could use a plate of broccoli and a couple laps in the pool, not cigars.

I’m sort of in love with Andi’s crop top and cute patterned blue skirt.  Momma Hy says Josh is boisterous and chaotic.  What a ringing endorsement!

Jasmine Rachel has a sea turtle tattoo.

Josh’s teeth.  Seriously.  So white.

IMG_4644.JPG

They remind of the time Ross whitened his teeth:

friends_608_ross_teeth_make_up

In fact, they sort of look alike.

Hy gives Josh his blessing to shack up with his daughter.  Josh is so excited.  He runs back to his hotel to apply more hair gel and whitening strips in anticipation of his last date with Andi.

Josh’s Last Supper

The best thing to wear on your last date with Andi, to give one last final impression, is the most hideous, bargain bin, bro-tank.  Ugh.  He just needs a keg cup in hand to complete the look.  What a frat boy.  They go on a boat.  Boring boring boring.  Andi’s hair is blowing around.  Boring. More boat.

Josh writes Andi a letter and reads it to her.  Can’t she read it to herself?  Josh makes Andi her own baseball card with her stats.  The card says “Andi Murray,” which is Josh’s last name.  Cute Josh, cute.  A lot more fun than the weird gift Nick’s about to give Andi.

Nick’s Last Supper

Nick doesn’t wear a bro-tank for his final date with Andi but he does chose an equally unfortunate outfit.  Blue on blue.  Did they have to send the wardrobe department home early?  Come on.  These outfits are not acceptable.

Andi is taking Nick off-roading in a Jeep for their last adventure.  Second Jeep of the season.  New sponsor? Nick drives like 10 MPH and Andi fake screams in excitement.  They head to a private lagoon for a picnic.  Nick leans in to kiss Andi.  Andi pushes him away.

Back at Andi’s casa, Nick breathes deeply and is on the edge of having a nervous breakdown.  He can’t believe the 9 weeks are already over.  9 WEEKS?  Seriously, I have a gallon of milk in my fridge that’s over 9 weeks old (ok, that’s a lie.  Everyone knows I guzzle milk like nobody’s business).  But 9 weeks does not an engagement make.

Andi tells Nick he should be confident.  Nick says Andi is giving him all the signs.  Kate says uh oh.

Maybe Andi was legitimately considering Nick…until he gave her the world’s ugliest necklace.  It’s a pendant filled with sand on a ridiculously thin long chain from one of the 10000 beaches they went to.  Andi is so mortified she flings it onto her neck so she doesn’t have to look at it.  Again, she wonders why the personal shopper didn’t help Nick with the final gift.

So who will she pick?  The bigger question is who won’t she pick.

Neil pops in to give let Josh peruse his collection of gaudy, costume jewelry rings.  Josh picks one fit for Las Vegas and Neil buffs it up nice and shiny on his chest hair.  All is right in the world.

And then with a couple knocks on Nick’s door, his fate is sealed.  There will be no Neil Lane for Nick.  There will be no “will you accept this rose” for Nick.  There will only be the memory of fiancé type things (more on that later), potentially an STD, and regret over giving Andi something that a 7th grader would give his crush (the fairytale book AND the sand necklace).

Andi walks into Nick’s hotel room.  She’s a little surprised he’s wearing a shirt made out of the table-cloth from their picnic yesterday but she’s got bigger things to worry about.

IMG_4854

Andi tells Nick that she woke up this morning and didn’t think things were right.  Nick stays mum and Andi starts repeating over and over again, “It’s not right.  It’s not what I envisioned.  It’s not right.”  Andi tries SO HARD to shed tears but none come.  She tells Nick that he over analyzes every single thing and that she can’t have fun with him.  Nick asks if this is about them or someone else?  Andi just shrugs.  Nick tells Andi she took things too far.  She sure did take things too far.  All the way to funky town.

Just like that, ABC managed to make it rain.  Do you think they purposely made Andi dump Nick when they knew it was about to rain?  It’s just too perfect.

Back in the hotel room, Nick packs his tiny little suitcase and chucks his old roses into the hotel trash can.  Who needs those.  Nick gets into the rejection SUV and says he feels like such a fool.  Meanwhile, Andi enlists the help of her glam squad, cause it’s engagement time y’all!

The Final Rose Ceremony

Ten bucks says she picks Josh.  Or is your money on Chris Harrison? I am in LOVE with Andi’s dress.  I think it’s gorgeous and beautiful on her.  Wouldn’t it make such a great beachy wedding dress?  They should just get hitched now!

I wish I could say the same about Josh’s outfit.  What. in. the. world.  How TIGHT is that suit?  He’s bulging out of it.  It’s so ill-fitting.  Did his get mixed up with Nick’s?  Is he trying to channel the incredible hulk?  While I’m contemplating how soon it will be before the whole thing rips open, Josh launches into a well-rehearsed, memorized soliloquy.  Did he have a teleprompter?  Who knew he was capable of memorizing all those lines.  Andi tells Josh she loves him and like a dutiful soldier, Josh takes his cue and drops to one knee.  The Neil Lane slips onto Andi’s finger and Andi can’t help but stare at her new bling.  Josh is sweating bullets.  Seriously, he might need to have his glands checked out.  He must be so thirsty!

So Andi and Josh live happily ever after.

But Nick?  Not so happily ever after.  Especially once the order for no contact went into effect.

After the Final Rose 

After my friends and I consumed more grease than we thought humanly possible, we convinced my lovely boyfriend to run out and get us shakes to help us through the next hour.  There may or may not have been a cheers to Chris Harrison involved:

IMG_2285

But back to the show.  Here’s what we learn:

1)  Nick is back in Milwaukee (holler to the MKE!) and can’t wake up from this nightmare.

2) He’s having a hard time letting go of something so special.  He’s not over her.

3)  Nick’s mom has a nose piercing.  And cries when she thinks of Nick hurt.

4) Nick decides the best way to tell Andi she’s making a mistake is to try stalking her.  He flies to the Men Tell All (filmed long after the engagement) to try to talk to Andi.  Andi says oh heck no and Nick is denied access.

5)  Chris Harrison’s dressing room is filled with 50 shirts — all shades of blue.  Not to be confused with  50 Shades of Gray.

6) Chris Harrison delivers a letter to Andi on behalf of Nick.  Not without first reading it out-loud to all the crew and having a good chuckle.

It’s time to bring out Andi.

Nick stumbles over his words for 15 minutes and when it’s Andi’s turn to talk she says she wasn’t in love with him and never told him she loved him.  Nick says that’s hard to hear and the hardest part is “I guess you know like, knowing how in love with you I was, if you weren’t in love with me, I’m just not sure why you, you made love with me.”

And that’s when an audible gasp came from my living room and I received the following text message from my best friend:

IMG_4624

It. just. got. interesting.  I mean we KNOW what goes on in the fantasy suite but nobody ever SAYS it!  Until now.  Andi’s reaction?  Not impressed. She tells Nick his comment was below the belt.  Nick says, yes that’s exactly what happened.  It was all below the belt.  Andi says the things she did with him and said to him were real.  That position?  Totally real.

Nick says the things they did together were “fiancé type of stuff.”  Geez.  What did they do?  What is strictly reserved for your fiancé?  Andi is fuming.  She tells him that she does way more fun things with her real fiancé.

Here’s my theory: Andi broke up with Nick after the fantasy suite night and all the love makin’ because Nick was bad in bed.

Regardless I see both sides of this situation.  I think it’s a tad gross that Andi had sex with two different men back to back.  But I also think Nick didn’t need to kiss and tell.  And I really do think it’s possible that Andi might have picked Nick but for his performance that night…

As for Andi and Josh?  They actually seem really in love!  Kind of cute.  I’ll for sure blog about their wedding.  Let’s just hope it’s not another “grown sexy” themed wedding.

Thanks “y’all” for reading this season.  Will you guys watch Bachelor in Paradise?  I will give it a shot.  Unsure about blogging about it.  Thoughts?  Who should be the next Bachelor?  Chris Harrison?  Farmer Chris?  Bad in bed Nick?  Until next time!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Boy oh Boy

Remember when I was a teenager and this show was new and fresh?  In the blink of an eye, I went from not being old enough to drive a car when this show started to being too old to be considered for casting.  Where has my life gone?  What do I have to show for it?  A blog about the Bachelor franchise?  Student loans and car payments?  A closet full of dresses too short and too tight for someone *ahem* pushing 30?  In the wise words of Max Kellerman from Dirty Dancing, “it feels like it’s all slipping away.”

But alas, back to when this show first started, the Men Tell All episode was just that — the men came in, badmouthed the bachelorette, we learned house secrets, and maybe some tears were shed.  Now, we hear from the bachelors who were on the show for like a hot second, most of whom we have no recall of whatsoever, and the rest of the time is dedicated to exploiting their 3 success stories.

Exploited this time?  Ashley, JP and their teeny tiny fetus.  Yes, Ashley is with child– JP’s child despite the weird references to it maybe looking like Chris Harrison.  That’s not creepy at all.  And in the most staged and exploited moment so far, Chris arranged for an extra to fake a sonogram on TV to announce the gender of the baby.  As the tabloids reported it was a boy months ago, I’m calling bologna sausage.

Since there are no secrets in the blogging world and we’re all friends here, free from judgment (to my face), I might as well confide in you that I’ve watched every episode of Sex and the City.  Like 50 times.  Or more.  Details aren’t important.  The point is, this reminded me of the episode when Miranda faked her sonogram.  She went in for a sonogram (hey pregnant friends/ doctor friends, what’s the difference between a sonogram and an ultrasound) and it was the 20-week check-up when she could find out the sex of the baby.  When the technician enthusiastically said, “It’s a BOY!” Miranda had to fake a happy surprised reaction of “boy oh boy.”

miranda-jpg

 

source: http://bridegene.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/miranda-jpg.png

These two totally just faked their sonogram.  But I’m sure they got paid good money to fake it.

Here’s what else “happened” (the use of quotes is perfectly acceptable here because nothing really happened other than I got bored):

  1. Extra in the audience posing as someone trying to meet Farmer Chris.  Crazy much?  Since when does ABC just allow random people to rush the stage?
  2. Oh that’s right, they don’t!  Exhibit A: Chris from Emily’s season.  Man they hate him.  And yet, they keep using him for the show to humiliate him.
  3. Bachelor in nightmare Paradise.  I sure hope they bring strong antibiotics for all those bodily fluid exchanges.  Nobody likes the Clap.  I think that’s an STD?  Also, I totally just googled, “STDs you can treat with antibiotics.”  I’m oddly excited for this show.  It looks like a cross between Jerry Springer and the Real World.  The theme can be: “take care of yourself and each other, where people stop being polite, and start getting real.”  Genius.
  4. Marquel has a cloth chocolate chip cookie pin.
  5. Scarves.  Man scarves.  Lot of them.  Some of them I think I own.
  6. Objectionable hearsay causes a 30 minute debate between Andrew, Marquel and JJ.  He said, she said, blah blah blah.  News for all of you: this is not admissible in the Bachelorette Court of Law!  Excited utterance exception?  I don’t think so!
  7. JJ appears drunk or stoned (you know, I’m not a drug user so I’m actually worried that might be an antiquated term used by my mother.  Sorry I’m so uncool with my lingo).  JJ almost cries.  Probably just the drugs talking.
  8. Andi is not willing to fake a sonogram tonight because she’s not pregnant.  She just has a little bloat from all the drinking and eating.
  9. Lies, lies and more lies.  Dylan, Marcus and Josh are all liars.  Dylan doesn’t wash his hands in the bathroom. Ew.  Marcus slept with over 20 women.  Double ew.  And Josh’s lies?  I’ll never tell.  XOXO – Gossip Girl.
  10. In the most dramatic twist of them all, Chris Harrison hands Andi a note backstage, after the show is over.  And that’s it.

Tomorrow night is the finale and I can’t wait!  On a scale of 1 to 10, what is the likelihood that Neil Lane will shine a diamond on the chest hair that will undoubtedly be spilling out of his shirt?  Or is he a shave the chest kind of guy?  Either way, I’m sure Neil’s chest will be exposed enough  to place a defibrillator pad on his chest without having to waste time with buttons, in the event of a medical emergency.

So, who will it be?  Are you team Nick or team Josh?  Or are you like me, supporting team I Am Totally Unimpressed by Both of Them and Care About as Much as I Care about Sports?

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

He’s Got a Body on Him

One word sums up this episode: boring.  What a snooze-fest.  I’ve seen more drama on episodes of Full House.  I mean remember when DJ had to choose between Steve and the rich guy, Nelson?  Drama!  Oddly enough, that plot line was similar to this plot line…

Anyway, Andi and her remaining three dudes land in the DR for some quality sexcapades overnight dates to better [ahem] get to know each other.  Biblically.  Except for Farmer Chris.  She’s not going to be shuckin’ any of his corn.   He’s not going to be plowin’ any of her fields.  That was my lame attempt at farming erotica.

Andi is soooooo excited to be in the Dominican Republic.  It’s the perfect place to fall in love.  The first 45 minutes of the show are devoted to recapping the entire season– in case you forgot what happened the past month of this show.  You know the show is really struggling for content when they make us watch Andi “journal.”  Seeing as she turns to the very first page in her spiral notebooks indicates she’s journaling for the first time since 5th grade.

First Overnight Date: Nick 

A HELICOPTER ride!  Yippy!  It’s been a while! And wouldn’t you know it – ABC manages to find some corral from the helicopter that’s shaped like a heart.  How convenient romantic. Andi takes Nick to a private island, where Andi declares, “this is freaking amazing.”  You know what else is also a little amazing?  Nick’s body is actually pretty nice.  I didn’t expect that.  He must have borrowed some roids from Cody.  Andi says, “Nick.  UGH.  He’s got a body on him.”  Ok creeper. She calls Nick passionate and says “It’s that adult romance with Nick.”  Please go no further.  I don’t want to throw up the 10 Oreos I just ate.

Nick and Andi talk about his past relationship and the conversation once again was like this– Nick: like, I, like, I was like, young.  Like.  I was like.  Yeah.  It’s life.  Like that’s the thing.  Like, yeah.

Boy, he’s articulate. Like.

At dinner, Nick tells Andi he did what a typical midwestern guy would do for a girl.  He wrote her a fairytale.  Um.  I’m sorry but I’ve dated a LOT of midwestern guys– in fact I’ve never not dated a midwestern guy– and yet not a one of them ever wrote me a fairytale.  And that’s really quite ok.  Sadly the fairytale was just another recap.  So boring.  So stupid.  So over this.  Does Nick think Andi is a 5 year old?

Andi whips out the fantasy suite card and Nick says he is most excited to talk Andi’s ear off the entire night.  Andi’s thrilled they are going to be doing all this “talking” all night long.  Before they head to the room to swap bodily fluids, he says “like” 500 times and finally “I love you.”

Second Overnight Date: Josh

It’s laundry day for Andi so she decides to wear black running shorts with a yellow flowy lacy top on her date with Josh.  It’s…weird.  Andi wants Josh to tell her he loves her.  If not, no sex for him talking all night long in the fantasy suite.  Andi and Josh explore the little town and what do you know, they end up at a baseball diamond.  I swear this is the last 5 dates these two have been on.

Oh my gosh.  I’m seriously so bored.  Their convo at dinner is so boring I don’t even have anything witty to say about it.  He said he wants to marry her and he loves her.  What’s with his weird accent?  Eventually they head to the recently sanitized fantasy suite, where Josh, unlike Nick, is excited to do anything but talk.

Not Gonna Happen Overnight Date: Farmer Chris

I saw this coming.  I love Chris and I realllllly hope he’s the next Bachelor but I knew Andi was never going to pick him.  There’s no way that chick can keep up her five minutes of fame in Iowa.  Ain’t gonna happen.

Andi spends the date telling Chris over and over again how much she loves his family.  Seriously, it’s all she says all day; your family is so great, I love them!  Yeah well they officially hate you.

Andi wears tiny white shorts for some horseback riding, which apparently she finds terrifying.  Eventually, they play ghost in the grave yard.  Alone.  Maybe not the smoothest move.  It was cute with your family.  It’s just weird alone in a field.

At dinner Andi realizes it’s time to dump the farmer.  While never once looking at him, she tells him 10 times that it’s not Iowa (which really means, it’s actually Iowa) and tells him that it’s actually him.  Oh.  That’s worse.  You should have said it was Iowa.  She basically says her feelings aren’t as strong for him as they are for the other guys.  Andi says she’s unsure about the relationship.  Farmer Chris is stunned and caught off guard.  He tells her he just wants to fall in love with her and that’s happening and that he doesn’t want to change one thing about her.  Farmer Chris can’t believe he’s being dumped for Nick.  The least manly guy ever.  I can’t believe it either Farmer Chris but I’m thankful because I certainly could not watch Nick for a season as the next Bachelor.

As the consummate gentleman, Farmer Chris offers Andi his arm as they walk out to the rejection car.  He wishes her the best and says goodbye.  He’s such a gentle soul.

Andi still conducts a rose ceremony and Nick and Josh accept their roses. Josh brags about all the “non-talking” he and Andi did last night.  Nick responds with 100 likes and then brags that he’s like, the favorite, and like, Andi loves talking to him, like the most.

See you tomorrow for the Men Tell All!  Will anyone else tell Andi she’s an actress?  Will Farmer Chris be announced as the next Bachelor?  Will this episode be a little less dull than the fantasy suite date episode?  Please, please PLEASE let it be more exciting!

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

I Feel Like an Idiot

Y’all. Yesterday I spent a solid five minutes staring into the mirror trying to make my lips look like Andi’s signature duck pout look. I failed. I don’t know if it’s because my lips are just too big to pull that off but I looked like a botox job gone bad.

It’s hometown dates. And that means I care about one thing, and one thing only. Andi is headed to Milwaukee! My hometown! Go Pack Go.

Milwaukee:

wayne

source: https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-mERVtd7P2Qw/Uuwj3Il9TzI/AAAAAAAAmms/TVOe-iSRENQ/w500/14%2B-%2B1

Nick takes Andi to the Milwaukee Public Market. It’s the knock-off version of Seattle or so I envision since I’ve not actually been there. But you know what ours has that Seattle probably doesn’t? Beer and cheese tasting aplenty.

Once they have a solid buzz happening (this is, after all, the “drunkest state” in America), Nick takes Andi to Lake Front Brewery for…you guessed it, more drinking! I hope Andi can hold her own because she’s going to be one drink shy of dancing on a table soon. If she gets to that point, I recommend Water Street. She doesn’t quite find herself on a table, but she does hit up the dance floor to perform the Wisconsin state dance, the Polka.

I actually had a gym unit dedicated to the Polka. We take it seriously, folks. If you can’t Polka during the seventh inning stretch at the Brewers game, then don’t bother coming. Cubs fans need not apply.

After Andi and Nick finish rolling out the barrel, they head to Waukesha to meet Nick’s massive family. And I mean MASSIVE. 10 children. Catholic much? Safe assumption. It’s Milwaukee.  Nick is the oldest of the Von Trapp Family Singers.  The youngest looks to be about 8.  Nick is 33.  That means he was in his mid 20’s when that kid was born.  That’s just wrong, mother.  Wrong.  Nick’s protective sister, Marie (or Maria?) sits down to chat with Andi about her intentions.  I want to know if Nick’s sister intentionally forgot pants?  Because man, that dress is short!  It was a miracle that ABC didn’t have to use the black privacy bars for this segment.

The youngest, adorable Bella, sits down with Andi and asks the tough questions.  Andi says she has a strong “mental connection” with Nick.  Bella wonders who says “mental connection.”  I vote for Bella as future Bachelorette in 15 years.  Bella reports back to Nick and can’t really remember her conversation with Andi and falsely tells Nick that Andi loves him.  Oh Bella.  Maybe journalism isn’t in your future.  This is how rumors get started.

Nick humbly tells his Mother that he’s Andi’s favorite and there’s no way he’ll get sent home.  His mother wonders how her son’s ego got so gigantic.

Arlington, Iowa: Field of Dreams 

How adorable is Farmer Chris?  I’m ready to saddle up my horse and head to Iowa.  I’ve got no problem with Iowa, Chris.  And I have no problem baking in the kitchen and playing ghost in the graveyard at night.  FYI, I come with a cat.  See ya soon!

Farmer is sexy in his plaid shirt and blue vest.  Andi agrees. Finally something we can agree on!  Farmer gives Andi a tour of his beautiful house (seriously Farmer, I’m on my way) and his picturesque farmland.  Taking a cue from Kenny Chesney, Farmer takes Andi out back to show off his tractor. Farmer Chris winks at the camera and tells it, “she think’s my tractor’s sexy.”

Farmer Chris shows Andi his entire dell.  He takes Andi out to plow the field.  Andi is disappointed he can’t plow anything else on this date.  She says “he’s hot, he’s manly, he’s burly.  He’s like, the hottest farmer ever.”  They picnic in the field and Andi asks Farmer what she’s supposed to do in this podunk town.  Farmer suggests she be a homemaker.  Andi asks if there are any talent agents around because she reminds Farmer she quit her lawyering job in search of fame.  Farmer Chris suggests she get back to her legal career instead of trying to be an “actress.”  Andi says she’s not as City as he thinks she is.  Cause her family has a cabin, y’all.  And she hunts.  A plane flies over carrying a banner, “Farmer Loves Andi.”  Andi responds with her most sincere ‘shut up.’

Andi meets Farmer’s mom, dad, three older sisters and their husbands.  I like Farmer even a tad more knowing he’s the youngest (the youngest are always the most charming.  Ask anyone.  Ask my mom).  One of Chris’ sisters reminds me of Julia Stiles so I already like her.   Julia raves about the success of their little bro.  Andi’s mom is adorbs and I love her.  She’s so sweet.  Momma Farmer says Andi can do anything in Iowa and the world is so small so there are no limits for a woman on a farm these days.  Amen, momma, amen.  Sage momma tells the camera that it’s an integral part of life to share the good times and the bad times with someone you love and she wants Chris to find that.  I love her.  What a warm lady.

Momma Farmer gets Andi alone and tells her their babies would be beautiful.  The way she says babies just makes me die with laughter.  There was so much gusto.  BABIES.  She tells Andi she has gumption and that she’s a tough cookie.  She tells her to follow her heart and that she can make it anywhere.  After, the family goes out to play ghost in the graveyard.  Love. this.  How can you not embrace a family who wants to go out and have fun together?  My sisters and I played ghost in the graveyard all the time growing up.  Count me in!

Atlanta.  I have nothing creative to say about this.

Josh and his sports loving family are ready to talk sports with Andi.  Put on your helmet Andi, it’s going to be a long afternoon.  But first, Josh and Andi play some baseball.  Of course.  This feels very reminiscent of Roberto and Ali.  Andi wears shorts that she should have retired in 6th grade.  They are so short they don’t even cover her hips.  Come on, girl.  Nobody ever said shorter is better. Josh says that he decided to leave baseball so he could have a life.  Um.  I think you left baseball because baseball left you.  But nice try Josh. Nice try.

Now let’s talk about Aaron.  The little brother.  He’s about to be drafted by the NFL.  And that’s all the family cares about.  Andi is pissed.  This is about HER.

Creepy alert.  Josh’s mother looks exactly like Andi.  Or Andi looks exactly like Josh’s mother.  She could be her daughter.  She could be Josh’s sister.  The resemblance is too much.  Their hair colors are identical.  This gives me the icks.

For some reason the little brother, Aaron, the present golden boy of the family, sits at the head of the table and gives the toast.  After that, Aaron’s done his good deed of the day and is free to talk about football the rest of the evening.  Andi is mad.  “Before I could even eat dinner, they were like football time,” she says with a roll of the eyes.  Andi says she knows it’s a “huge time in Aaron’s life but it’s also a huge time in Josh’s life.”  Really?  Is it?  Sorry but the NFL draft is probably a little more interesting to these folks than their son’s girlfriend who happens to also be dating 3 other dudes and maybe Chris Harrison.

Andi has some time alone with Josh’s mother and his Mother basically says Josh is a momma’s boy and she better back down.  Coach dad tells Andi that if they end up together they will be expected to attend all of Aaron’s football games on Sundays.  Andi is starting to lose it.  She does not want to spend all day fawning over Aaron for the rest of her life.  People should be fawning over her, damn it!  Andi curses the day Aaron was born and heads to her next hometown date…

Dallas:  All my ex’s live in Texas  (A song Andi will soon sing)

Marcus tells Andi he’s taking her on a tour of Dallas reflective of a day in his life.  I’m worried.  He takes Andi to a dark club and performs a striptease.  It’s so awful I cringe.  His undies are so tight and so white, that ABC was actually forced to use the black privacy bars.  Oh Marcus.  Why.  Cue the groans.  Did I miss something?  How is this a day in your life?  Are you a stripper?  Do you like strippers?  Do you frequent a lot of strip clubs?  Poor judgment Marcus.  Poor judgment.

After Marcus wipes the oil off his body and pulls the singles out of his g-string, he takes Andi to meet his family.  His sister reminds me of Stifler’s mom.  I guess that makes sense given the striptease we were just forced to witness.  Stifler’s mom tells Andi that he can be a little “over-caring” sometimes.  Translation: he’s intense, has he scared you off?  Andi says her feelings need to catch up to Marcus.

Meanwhile, Marcus chooses this opportunity to thank his brother for essentially raising him.  Tears were shed.  It was strange.  Why is this happening on national television and not in private?  His mother seems Russian.  That’s all.

ABC Demonstrates Just How Low They’re Willing To Go

In what seemed like the most contrived moment yet, Chris Harrison invites all the remaining contestants and Andi to his house to deliver the tragic news that Eric died in a paragliding accident.  It felt very awkward, inappropriate and exploitive.  That’s all I’m going to say about it.  Chris Harrison’s house?  Icky.  Can’t he hire someone to make that place a little nicer?  Come on Chris, you make millions just instructing bimbos to hand out their final rose of the evening.  You can afford an interior designer.

Marcus was sent packing sans rose.  No surprise there.  Andi doesn’t really see “striptease” recipient in her future.   Marcus is stunned.  He tells Andi, “I wanted to be that guy for you.”  Andi tells him that when she’s engaged to Josh or Nick (I see Farmer Chris as the next Bachelor), he’ll definitely be the guy for her to perform at her Bachelorette party.

Marcus gets in the rejection limo and says “I feel like an idiot.  I shouldn’t have told her I loved her….I feel like she could be my soulmate.”  No Marcus, you shouldn’t have performed a striptease on your hometown date.  That’s where things went wrong.

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

That was Literally Phenomenal

Touchy subject.  Andi’s in Brussels.  As in Belgium.  You know, the country who just beat the US in the World Cup?  If only I cared one ounce about soccer!  And truthfully, if you care that much about soccer, you probably don’t read my blog.  It’s all good.

Andi and the remaining 5 men plus Nick are ready to hit up the all you can eat Belgian waffle special at the IHOP.  Whoever eats the most waffles automatically gets a hometown date.  Somewhere Bodybuilder Cody is throwing a protein shake against the wall.  He knew if he were on this trip, he would totally win the eating contest.  He’d even be willing to skip lean protein for a chance at love with Andi.

The men arrive at their new hotel for the week in their mandatory Brussel’s uniform: zipped up hoodies with fashion scarves for men.  You know, I’ve never seen my boyfriend wear a fashion scarf.  I think I’m ok with that.  Sometimes he wears this cute scarf in the winter that he crocheted himself (seriously) but that’s when it’s -40 outside and snow is whipping horizontally at your face and it’s been 40 minutes at the bus stop.  But never once has he said to me, you know, I’d really like to borrow one of your silky scarves.  Never once.  Nick can even tie his scarf better than me.

Chris Har shows up for a “man chat” to tell the guys this week is important.  In case you’ve lived under a rock the past 15 years, making it through this week means you get a hometown date.  For some reason Chris just got paid millions to deliver that message.  How do I get his job?  Other rules of the week: two one on one dates with no roses and a group date with a rose.  Got that?  Good.  Harrison excuses himself — after all the beer, waffles and chocolates aren’t going to eat themselves!

One on One- Marcus, You’re Kind of a Clinger And Your Tongue is Way too Aggressive When we Kiss But I’ve Got Slim Options So I’d Like to Hang Out With You for the Day

Marcus is 25.  That’s just wrong.  Marcus and Andi head into the city to explore.  Andi wears, for the 12th date straight, her white pants.  Why the tight white pants?  How does she keep them clean?  The “no white after labor day” rule is obviously dead and gone.

M & A order some mussels.  I seriously love mussels.  And not the Cody kind.  I like the seafood kind.  Old Ebbitt Grill in DC.  Holy smokes.  Get me some.  NOW.  Mussels, Brussels and beer?  That’s my ideal date!

Ok ABC, I don’t believe your editing.  After they are done with mussels, we head to commercial.  When the show is back on, Andi and Marcus are all dressed up and eating dinner.  Um.  Didn’t they just eat?  They must be so full.

At dinner Marcus says his family is dysfunctional.  What else is new.  He said his dad left and he hated his Mother in his 20’s (he’s 25 so I totally don’t follow).  He says his Mother is not the best.  Son of the year!

Marcus says he’s never felt this way about a girl before.  How can people get on this show and say that?  Have they never known someone more than 30 minutes?

Marcus comes back from his date and Nick starts to scheme.  He sneaks off and heads to the hotel lobby.  He approaches the front desk and tells the clerk he forgot his key and room number and asks for a new key.  Nick says the room is under his wife’s name, Andi D.  The clerk asks no questions, gives him Andi’s room number and a key.  It might be time to review that hotel’s security protocols.  Mr. Andi shows up at her door and the Mrs. is stunned.

You know what I find odd?  When I get home from work, dinner, a date, etc, I immediately peel my clothes and jewelry off.  I throw my hair on top of my head, put on the biggest sweats I can find and scrub the makeup off my face.  I do that within minutes of walking in the door.  Without fail.  But Andi?  She’s back in her hotel room looking all glammed up and perfect.  I’m not buying this impromptu ambush.

Andi and Nick enjoy some Brussels nightlife.  Nick says he’s going to marry Andi.  I say Nick looks like a cross between a serial killer and the Joker.  Andi tells us one too many times how hot it is making out with Nick.  No.  You know what’s hot?  Tamales.  And potatoes. But Nick?  No.

One on One – Josh, I Just Want to Make Out With You All Night Long So That’s Why I Picked You For the Date and I Love Athletes 

You guys.  Andi is wearing the white pants.  AGAIN!  Why!  Did ABC mandate white pants only this season?  Doesn’t she own a pair of dark wash jeans?  She’s also wearing a crop-top.  Enough said.  Meanwhile, Josh put on the tightest shirt he owns to highlight his man nipples and pecks.  Josh and Andi wander the streets of Brussels and sample some local chocolates.

When they are finished, Josh says, “that was literally phenomenal.”  Oh Josh.  Shopping cannot possibly be considered a phenomenon.  It’s just not.  This is a phenomenon:

sky

image source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natural_phenomenon#mediaviewer/File:Polarlicht_2.jpg

For a lesson on using the word literally, click here: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/literally

Glad we cleared that up, figuratively.

Andi complains that Josh isn’t emotional enough and doesn’t open.  So she takes him to a church and has him light some candles.  At dinner, Andi is annoyed that Josh hasn’t said ‘I love you,’ or ‘I’m falling in love with you’ because at this stage, 3 weeks after knowing these Andi and spending a cumulative 3 hours with her, dropping the L-word is essential if you want to stay in the running.  Frankly if someone told me they loved me faster than I can even consume a bag of chips, I’d probably get a restraining order.  Andi fishes and fishes until she forces Josh into saying he’s falling in love with her.  Lawyering.

The other mandated feature of the show this season (the first being Andi’s white pants) is the concert.  Andi and Josh dance to some band called “American Young.”  This is the second date for Josh and Andi and their second concert.  For your pleasure, I’ve looked up the chorus of this song:

Sometimes love is a white flag
Sometimes love is standing tall
Sometimes love is a feather
Sometimes a cannon ball
But it’s worth fighting for (it’s worth fighting for)
Baby, sometimes love is war

Read more: American Young – Love Is War Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Duh, we know.  Love is a battlefield.

Group Date: You’re on this date because I didn’t want to make out with you (except you Nick, I had to put you on this date because ABC is hoping to create drama)

The boys pedal Andi on a “rail bike,” which is a bike/ cart thing that rides on a railroad track.  That seriously looked like fun.  After the guys get their burn on, Andi takes the men to a monastery.  Since it’s sacred grounds, there is no kissing on the grounds.  Everyone speaks in hushed tones while on the grounds.  Andi pulls Farmer Chris outside the walls to make pottery together.  Andi says it’s very steamy.  She pretends she’s Demi and imagines Patrick Swayze’s arms wrap around her. I don’t blame you, Andi.  Patrick makes my heart swoon.

Farmer Chris rejoins the other guys and gets annoyed by game-playing Nick.  Brian tells Andi he’s falling in love with her.  He says he’s never told anyone that before.  I feel like every guy keeps saying that.  Nobody wants to hear that a 30 year old has never loved another person before.  Andi reacts with a  “yeah” when he says he’s falling in love with her.  Ouch, Brian.  That was a bad yeah.  Kiss your rose receiving days goodbye.

Nick says he’s confident that Andi is coming home to meet his family.  He starts to tell Andi how she feels.  It sort of makes me want to punch him in the face.  Like as hard as possible.  He says he can FEEL Andi falling in love with him.  How arrogant are you?  For some reason Andi eats it up and they have a staring contest for like a three minutes straight due to the sacred ground rule.

And what do you know, Nick gets the rose.  He gets to spend the rest of the night with Andi for managing to pull the wool over her eyes one more time.  Andi is super excited to go to Milwaukee to meet Nick’s family.  I’m really sad that Nick is from my hometown.

As for Andi’s rejectee’s?  They are madder than a wet hen.  Literally?  No, not literally, Josh.  Back on Nick’s private date, they play a game of “this or that,” with serious questions like “big or small?”  Nick says big.  Go big or go home.  I don’t totally know what they are talking about anymore but I guess that’s supposed to mean he’s well-endowed.  But I don’t buy it.  And that makes me want to vomit a little.  They watch some fireworks- big ones- and Nick can feel Andi fall in love with him a little more.

Nick returns home to the scorn of the rejected men.  The’ve had enough of his game playing/ winning.  After what seems like 7 minutes of total silence, the men finally man up and tell Nick they want to pulverize him.  Brian finally breaks the silence.  Marcus says he wouldn’t trust him near his sister.  Farmer Chris asks if he cares more about Andi or strategy.  All the men agree he cares about strategy.  I think the guys should play a friendly game of Stratego to determine who’s best at strategy.  Listen, I don’t like Nick one iota but they do all sound a little jealous.

Brian and Dylan get sent home.  Brian has a mild breakdown but it’s nothing the ABC psychotherapist can’t handle or drug.  Hometown dates comin’ on up!

 

 

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

I just wanna grab you, kiss you, hug you, roll around with you.

Oh Venice.  I knew you once.  And I loved you.

Pic004

I knew that scarf once too.  And I loved it.  But then I lost it in a bar in Rome.  Oh well.

Andi and her entourage of eight head to Venice to find love.  Andi hops off her private Gondola and lets the guys know the first date starts… NOW.  Cody is grinning ear to ear.  He can’t wait for his first one on one date with Andi.  Guys.  Did you see that deep v-neck shirt?  Cody officially has more cleavage than I do.  He kisses his lucky bicep and starts to head towards Andi.  In what can only be foreshadowing, Andi denies Cody and picks Nick instead.

Nick and Andi stroll the adorable streets of Venice.  I have to swallow all of my jealousy to get through this episode.  Not the Nick part.  Yuck.  Italy’s my true love.  Nick and Andi hop into a Gondola to have a serious conversation:

  • Nick: Like.  I want to, like, talk, like about the cocktail party.
  • Andi: Ok.  Like, what’s up?
  • Nick: It just, like, matters to me, like, a lot.
  • Andi: I get what you’re saying (that makes one of us!)
  • Andi:  I think like, I need to figure things out.
  • Nick: So I was just, like.

After their profound conversation, Andi feels better about Nick.  I feel, like, a lot worse about him.   Andi and Nick put on their finest clothes and masks and head to a formal dinner in some beautiful building, which are a dime a dozen.  I’m left reminiscing about my mask:

Pic085

Oh to be 20 again.

Back to this snooze fest.  How boring is Nick?  I don’t understand the appeal.  I want to like a fellow Wisconsinite but I can’t. Nick tells Andi that he’s “confidently, like, falling in love.”  With Italy?  With the wine?  With Cody?  With Andi?  With himself?  We’ll never know.  Nick gets a date and of course, a private concert.  Duh.

Group Date

Andi shows up for her group date with her fashion scarf tied around her neck like a bib.  I can only assume that’s to protect herself from dripping marinara sauce or cannoli cream oozing out.  Otherwise, I have no idea why you’d wear your scarf like that.  I’m excited for the group date.  Will they head to the island of Murano and blow glass?  Will they design their own Carnivale costumes?  Will they explore the waterways?  Nope.  They will take lie detector tests.  Because nothing says Italy like forensic science?  I’m confused.  Italy is the country responsible for ruining Amanda Knox’s life.  I’m not sure they are qualified to handle investigations.

But alas, I’m more than happy to hear what these men lie about! Andi takes the men to a torture chamber.  The pro-athlete starts to sweat.  He’s screwed.  If it makes you feel better Mr. Baseball, these results are inadmissible in a US court of law.  But that doesn’t mean we aren’t going to judge you.

Andi offers to go first.  She’s, like, always honest.  First question:  Is Italy your favorite country?  Andi says yes.  I’m calling that a lie.  Also, you should lose your US passport for your lack of patriotism.  Geez. Next: Do you think all of the guys are here for the right reasons?  Andi: Yes.  Oh you poor poor fool!  Have you not met Josh?  Get to know him before you stick your tongue down his throat any more!  Are you falling in love:  Yes.  And sadly, probably with Josh.  The one guy who’s not here for the right reasons.  Open your EYES, Counselor! She also thinks her husband is among the group.  Sure.

When the men get questioned, some highlights were the following: To JJ – are you good in bed?  He said yes.  Ha!  Good for JJ.  To Dylan — have you slept with over 20 women?  I wish I could tell you he said no.  But he didn’t.  He said yes.  Why Dylan WHY!?  And more importantly, why ABC, why!  The next question was is your chlamydia all cleared up?  Dylan said yes.  That last question didn’t happen but it probably should have been asked.  It’s a little unsavory that Dylan is so frisky but it’s also unsavory that ABC is so brazen.  I feel bad for Dylan. And also grossed out.  Sorry Dyl.

Just when you thought they couldn’t embarrass Dylan enough, they asked if he washes his hands after he goes to the bathroom.  He said no.  Ugh.  Oh Dylan.  I think your days might be numbered.

Hey ABC, how come you didn’t ask Andi how many dudes she slept with?  Or about her hygiene practices?  Dylan goes home sick from the date.  Can’t say I blame him.

The results are in.  Andi told two lies- she lied about her love of Italy and she lied about the guys being there for the right reasons.  LIAR!  Three men told no lies (Dylan, obviously, sigh).  One man told two lies.  Two men told three lies (I’m looking at  you Josh).  Who else is a liar?  JJ?  Marcus?  Who is it?!

We’ll never know.  Andi tears up the men’s results.  Gosh darn you Andi.  At the after party, Brian administers a lie detector test.  Smooth move Brian!  Andi lawyered Brian a little during the test but it was cute.  She probably should have stuck with her day job.  Farmer Chris reveals he’s the secret admirer sending the love notes.  I totally knew it was him.   Andi feels like Josh is hiding something.  Like a “girl friend,” in every area code.  The group date rose goes to her secret admirer, Farmer Chris.  JJ loses it.

Second One-on-One:  Cody, You’ll Never Be My Romeo

It’s true Cody.  You’ll never be anyone’s Romeo.  But you will undoubtedly be a lot of people’s personal trainer.  I’d hire you.  Andi takes Cody to Verona, Italy– the setting of Romeo and Juliet.

Andi shows up for the date wearing a skort.  I think.  I seriously have no idea what those things are.  There’s definitely shorts in the back and some sort of unfortunate flap in the front.  It’s like the mullet of the short/skirt world.  She should give those to Cody when he gets the boot.  We never need to see those hideous things again.  Oh and she borrowed Chris Harrison’s turtleneck.

This date is so stupid, let’s just fast-forward to the part that made me want to shake Cody and tell him to pay attention to body language cues!

But first, any time Romeo and Juliet comes up, I always get the Dire Strait’s song stuck in my head.  It’s so good!  Enjoy below – trust me it’s more worth your time than this lame date.  It’s apropos really because Cody’s about to find himself in dire straits by the end of this date (and this is the perfect “I just got dumped song.”)

Really, this date is worthless.  The two pretend to respond to some love advice column.  For some reason, Andi says this is the PERFECT date for Cody.  The guy who kisses his biceps.  If you say so.  After, awkwardness ensues.  Andi and Cody go to dinner and poor Cody is grinning like a love-struck moron.  He confesses his love for Andi in a “Dear Juliet” letter.  He calls her beautiful.  Says she has all the qualities he’d want in a wife.  He keeps talking.  “I just wanna grab you, kiss you, hug you, roll around with you. Do all those things.”  Andi looks like she’s going to throw up.  She looks like someone just told her Dylan slept with over 20 women.  She starts to cry.  Cody is none the wiser.  He has no idea.  It’s just verbal diarrhea spewing out of his love-stricken mouth.  Finally Andi tells him to stop.  She tells him they are just friends.  Cody is stunned.  He looks around for a wall to punch.  Andi sobs.  She says it’s not fair and she can’t hurt him and so she has to send him home.  Cody says we don’t always get what we want.

Hey Cody, if you try sometimes, you just might find, you just might find, you get what you need!  I’m full of songs tonight.

The rejection limo whisks Cody away.  He asks for a protein shake.  He tells the ABC psychologist this hurts more than when he didn’t win the 2009 Hunky Beef calendar contest.  Love hurts, Cody.

At the rose ceremony Andi says goodbye to JJ and his pants.  In the rejection limo JJ says he could picture Andi as the future “Mrs. Pants.”

Andi says she’s ready to get out of Italy.  It’s such a dump and she’s over it. She’s hoping Brussels (and their sprouts) will be even better.

When the show is over we see a little blooper of the lie detector test.  All the guys think the Italian mafia testers asked if they have ever “farted” in public.  All the men laugh and admit that yes, there has been some flatulence in public.  Turns out, the Godfathers asked if they ever FOUGHT in public.  It was the funniest part of the episode.  Oh gas jokes.  You always make people laugh.

 

 

 

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Salllllllty

I see London, I see France, I see Andi’s underpants!   Kidding.  Sort of.  Andi and her gang hit the high seas and sail their way to love in Marseille, France.  Upon arrival, Andi puts on a short pleaded leather mini skirt.  It reminds me of a mix between a trash bag and duct tape.    So are they purple, are they pink?  I don’t know but this show stinks!  Again, kidding.  Sort of.

The first date card arrives and the most un-French person ever gets the date:  Josh.  That guy just screams America.  He strikes me as the total “God Bless America and no place else,” type of guy.  The date card is in Francais, so I’m guessing it says something like this: “Dear Josh, I picked you for this date so we can make out all night and I can say “staaaaahhhhppppppp” as many times as I want.  Love, Andi.”

But before Andi and Josh get to make out, Andi has a date with Chris Harrison and the ugliest turtleneck known to man.  True to form, Chris asks Andi, “are you falling in love,” and we get a nice ol’ dose of “stahhhhhppp,” in reply.  Andi admits she’s falling in love with more than one guy.  No worries Andi, so am I.  I fall in love with Patrick Swayze every single time I watch Dirty Dancing.  Same goes for Ryan Gosling in the Notebook.  See?  No biggie.

Josh & Andi’s Date

Josh told Andi on night one that he did not want to be treated like the stereotypical athlete.  There is so much more to Josh’s soul than sport stats, chasing women, illegal performance enhancement drugs, and concussions y’all.  My head is in the game.  I’m ready to treat you like the non-athlete you aren’t.  Until you tell me this date is like a playoff game and marrying Andi is like the Superbowl.  Come on, Josh.  You can’t have it both ways.

Andi and Josh head to a sailboat.  Unfortunately Josh decides to wear Andi’s pants on the date.  Seriously, those are tight.  Careful not to injure the family jewels, Josh.  Apparently they work just fine for making out though since that’s pretty much all that happens on this date.

Snooze.  Rose for Josh.  Two kids from Atlanta.  We are subjected to yet another – ANOTHER- concert.  Andi urges Josh to listen to the words, which for some reason makes this whole thing feel even more awkward.  I don’t want a private concert unless Rod Stewart shows up at my apartment to serenade me.  I would probably pee my pants but it’d be worth it.

Group Date:  Be Mime. 

The date card didn’t say that (it was blank) so once again I took artistic liberties.  Andi borrowed Chris Harrison’s turtleneck for the date.  She takes a group of guys to mime in a town square.  Awkwardness ensues.  At the after party, all sorts of drama goes down.  Nick acts like a cocky [insert bad word here].  He also took a page out of Josh’s book and borrowed a pair of Andi’s pants for the date.  Nothing like tight white pants on a man.  Nothing like it.  Nick says he’s the front-runner.  Am I missing something?  What’s likable about Nick?  Has anyone else noticed his snaggle tooth?  Cody is about to snap Nick in half with his bicep.

Sweet Farmer boy tells Andi there’s some tension.  Andi bullies him into telling her what’s going on.  Andi manipulates the Farmer by telling him that she would expect her husband to tell her everything.  News flash Andi – Chris is not your husband.

Cody tells Andi that Nick is mocking him.  Apparently Cody thinks Andi is his Mother.  “Mommy, Nick made fun of me and my bleached hair, and bulging muscles, and tight clothessssss.”

Andi decides it’s time to get to the bottom of this Nick drama.  She tells Nick he’s “sallllllty,” and that he seems “salty on group dates.”  For some reason the way she said “salty” was worse than hearing nails on a  chalkboard.  Until I hear Nick’s lisp.  Ugh.  Seriously, why is he here?  Andi wants to know why everyone wants to punch Nick in the face so she uses the only manipulation tactic she knows, “if I were your wife, would you tell me?”  Nick replies, “ok fine, fair enough.”  I’m sorry, did I miss something?  The proper response is YOU’RE NOT MY WIFE!  Ahhhhh!  Then Andi starts making out with him.  Give. me. a. break.  Or should I say, cue the groans?

Marcus, the resident Guard-and-Protect-Your-Heart guy is, of course, falling in love with Andi.  Why wouldn’t he be?  It’s only been like a hot minute.  Instead of filing a restraining order, Andi embraces Marcus with a kiss.

The drama continues after Marquel hears that Patrick called him a racist name.  Marquel handles the matter with dignity, class, and maturity.  I really like him.  Marquel for Bachelor!  Andrew denies the allegations.  Can we please vote Andrew off the island?  #gohome.

JJ the pants dude gets the rose.  Nick gets knocked down a peg.

Brian one on one date

Oh my god.  It’s one of these dates- an ABC sponsored movie.  Fast forward. After the movie, the two head to a market to shop for dinner.  The plan is to go back to “Andi’s” apartment to cook dinner together.  Because Andi’s lost all touch with reality, she believes this will be just like a movie: romantic and sexy.  She obviously hasn’t cooked dinner with someone who doesn’t know how to cook.  It’s disastrous.  I once asked my ex-boyfriend to cut up a red pepper and he started to cry.  Seriously.  It was a “recipe” for disaster.  I don’t want to put too much “stock” in the pepper incident, but I basically had to call it off after that.  Mostly kidding.  Mostly.

It’s a disaster for Brian and Andi too.  Brian doesn’t know how to cook- unless a $1.00 Totino’s pizza counts.  Andi’s disappointed that Brian isn’t romantic in the kitchen.  Apparently Andi thought this would be just like the movie Chocolat, but instead it’s more like the documentary Supersize Me.

Dinner is unsalvageable so Brian and Andi head to a sidewalk to dine al fresco.  If you ask me, that’s more romantic than raw frog legs.  In Andi’s unrealistic eyes, Brian redeems himself by taking Andi to an empty kitchen to make out with her.  He gets the rose.

Rose Ceremony 

At the rose ceremony, the guys are pleasantly surprised to see Elaine from Seinfeld:

elaine-seinfeld15.0

Well actually, just her hair:

andi-rose-bachelorette-w352

It was big.  Really really big.  It also reminds me of Elvira:

Elvira-elvira-16663670-500-375

While Andi and her bouffant hair hand out the roses, I notice something else strange about this ceremony.  She has a grimace on her face the entire time and she picks up each rose and holds them in front of her like she’s performing some sort of witchcraft ritual.  She probably has a pot of witches brew simmering in back with the left-over frog legs.  I blame the hair.

Going home are Marquel (boo), Andrew (yay!), and Andrew’s lover, Patrick.  Patrick is totally dumbfounded when he leaves the show.  Luckily for us, he gives us this gem, “I’ve heard from multiple people, not just girls, that I have qualities that are really paramount when it comes to being a husband.”  Not just girls?  If Andrew said you were husband material Patrick, then go with it!  Pick him!

Next week, Andi heads to Venice. I’m bummed she’s hitting up my turf.  I don’t want it spoiled with Bachelorette non-sense. Yes, that’s right.  Italy is my turf.  Is that so unrealistic? Until next time…

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

I am EX-HAUST-ED. Y’all.

Connecticut.  It took me like 20 years of my life to finally learn how to spell Connecticut.  I really shouldn’t even admit that I couldn’t spell Connecticut since that’s where a lot of my family lives. At least I’ve got it down finally!  Tonight, that skill comes in handy.

Andi’s journey to find true love takes her to, you guessed it, Connecticut.   Connecticut is a gorgeous state, but doesn’t this all seem so… random?  Farmer Chris says he’s always dreamed of traveling to Connecticut.  Oh Farmer Chris. That’s cute.  As the men settle into their swanky Connecticut hotel (actually, I think it’s a casino), the first date card arrives with Dylan’s name on it.

Who?  Dylan is sort of shy with rugged good looks and he’s an accountant from Boston.  He’s also the guy who cried to Farmer Chris about the death of this sister and brother.  With a little less hair product, I think Dylan could be a model.  As in a model citizen.  Just kidding, I mean an actual model like in ads. Anyway, Andi has this AMAZING date planned.  Kidding again!  ABC plans a date and tells Andi where to show up.  In this case, it’s on a steam engine train along the Connecticut River.  Andi’s hoping the relationship picks up steam.  I’m hoping I can write a blog post about this.  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

When Andi and Dylan are “all aboard,” Andi acts completely disinterested in their conversation.  Even when Dylan spills his emotional baggage all over the train cart.  It was like this:

Dylan: I have something serious to tell you.  My brother and sister both died of a drug overdose and it was really difficult on me.

Andi: Cool.  Yeah, this is really pretty.

Dylan:  No, I mean it was really hard.  Both my sibling died.  Like they are dead.

Andi: Yeah.  Gazing out the window.

Me: This relationship has derailed.

I cringed.  Seriously.  Could she have acted any more disinterested?  Have you ever heard of empathy?  A simple, “I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine what you’ve been through?”  Anything but YEAH.

After the train ride is over, the two of them head to dinner where nobody actually touches their food.  How do they make it through this show with so little food and so much alcohol?  Dylan tells his family story with more detail.  Andi still says “yeah” a lot and makes her lips into duck shapes.  They constantly look like a duck.  Dylan starts to cry and Andi tells him “it’s ok.”  Wait. It’s ok?  I thought that phrase was BANNED by you Andi!  Need I remind you of your “eeeeeet’s ok” freak out?  Anyway, I like Dylan but I do not think he’s quite ready for a relationship and I don’t blame him.  I just don’t see these two working out.  Dylan gets the rose.

Group Date: Whose got game

Not Brian.

The group date takes place in a basketball arena so Andi can see “whose got game.”  Clever.  Andi decided to wear the ugliest pair of wedge sneakers I’ve ever seen.  Those need to join the trash along with JJ’s collection of hideous pants.  Speaking of JJ, he wore a shirt that said “JJ” on it.  I can only assume that decision was made so Andi would recognize young JJ and not JJ in 50 years.

Andi enlists the help of some WNBA players who demonstrate that they are, in fact, the only ones who “got game.”  After the guys lose miserably against the women (girl power), the guys get divided into two teams.  You know the drill.  Only the winning team gets to hang with Andi after the game.  After a riveting game of HORSE, the blue team wins.  Actually there is no blue team.  Team “Rosebuds” wins.  If I were the captain, I would have picked “Team Andi” as the name.  Granted, I wouldn’t be playing for this team if you know what I mean.  Rosebuds include Basketball coach Brian, Eric, Cookie Monster Marquel, Nick, Social Media guy Andrew who moon lights as a hostess picker-upper, and the steroid guy Cody.

Andi pulls Eric aside first to talk. Andi tells Eric she wonders if their relationship is stalling.  Eric also agrees that the relationship is not moving forward.  I have some theories why: 1) Josh keeps sticking his tongue down Andi’s throat; 2) When Josh is finished there are 12 other guys waiting to do the same 3) Eric is an adventurer and Andi just ditched her career in hopes of becoming a D-list actress; 4) their astrological signs are incompatible.  I’m guessing that’s the reason this isn’t working out.  Eric does his best to mend the situation and opens up about his important relationship with his family and his difficult decision to leave his church.  Andi feels like the air is clear.  Eric… as we will find out, feels the air has a giant cloud hovering above their heads that’s about to burst and dump copious amounts of rain, hail and lightening on them.  As I said, incompatible signs.

Brian gets some alone time with Andi and makes a half-court shot that’s nothing but the net.  But then he loses all points when he fails to kiss Andi after his perfect shot.  Brian spends the rest of the night beating himself up while Nick swoops in to make-out with Andi. But Brian’s kind heart still won him the rose.  I like Brian.  I’m on team Brian.

Second Group Date: Marcus: Dangle off this building while I freak the eff out even though you are petrified of heights too.

Andi takes Marcus to the top of their casino to repel 30 floors.  As Andi and Marcus get suited up, gale force winds nearly blow Andi off the building.  This seems safe.  Both of them repeatedly use the word terrifying.  You know what’s terrifying?  What happens when they get to the bottom.  I’m going to hear so many stupid Bachelor sanctioned words like “trust,” “conquer,” “together,” and “leap of faith.”  That’s terrifying.

Marcus looks like he might throw up.  He’s completely silent.  Marcus “conquers” his fears first and takes the first “leap of faith” by stepping off the building first.  As soon as that first step is done, his anxiety level seems to decrease.  But Andi won’t budge.  There’s no way she’s stepping off this ledge.  The person running the adventure repelling company, Eric (joking), eventually pushes Andi’s feet off the building.  He’s had enough of her hysterics.   Of course there is a dangling kiss.  Eventually the pair even repels past the other guys in their room. The guys accuse Marcus of looking tearful, to which Coach Brian yells, “repelling, there’s no crying in repelling!”  “A League of Their Own,” anyone?   They made it to the bottom and everything I was terrified about happened.  Her fears were conquered.  He got her off the ledge.  Blah blah blah.

They go to dinner, he gets the rose.  And because this date wasn’t over-played enough, there was a private concert.  With some band I’ve never heard of. Moving on…

The Rose Ceremony Drama

Well, now we at least know why Andi’s still single! She’s crazy, y’all. Cray to the cray.

But before we get to that, Andi receives a letter from a secret admirer.  Bets anyone?  I’m going with Chris Harrison.

Moving on to the drama…

Unfortunately it happens with Eric.  Knowing that Eric is tragically not with us, I felt really uncomfortable watching this exchange.  It really did not need to be aired.  But, I feel more than comfortable talking about how crazy Andi appears.  Eric asks to talk to Andi and tells her that he feels like she isn’t acting like herself and acts a certain way when the cameras are present.  He tells her it seems like sometimes she has on a poker face and he can’t read her.  Andi acts like someone just told her momma’s ugly and so is she.  She flips out.

In her tersest prosecutor voice, Andi tells Eric he has EVERY RIGHT to be honest and she respects his honesty but she is VERY taken aback.  She is not a TV actress (she says with a flourish as the back of her hand strategically lands on her forehead as though she’s Scarlette O’Hara.  She wishes!)  Eric is happy to see emotion from Andi and tells her this is the real Andi he’s looking for. She starts to lose it more “you have NO IDEA what this takes.  You have NO IDEA how exhausted I am.  You have NO CLUE how it is to look at people in the face and send them home. You have NO IDEA.”

He tells her again that when the cameras are around there is a different side to her.  She responds by saying so you’re continuing to call me fake.  Then he says “acting” in a sentence, completely innocuously, and she went Juan Pablo style flip-out on him. Andi warns Eric that if he says “act” one more time she’s going to flip out.  ACT ACT ACT ACT ACT ACT ACT ACT.  Ok Andi, GO!  At least I’ve got one thing figured out: Andi’s M.O.  As soon as a guy upsets her she forbids them from speaking certain words.  If you ever meet Andi and she tells you she’ll freak out if she hears you say [insert any innocuous word here], you know you’ve just crossed into crazy territory.  Best put on your walkin’ shoes my friend.  And with that Eric is sent home.

Andi’s crusade does not stop with Eric.  She marches into the room where all the other guys were secretly eaves dropping on her conversation with Eric to tell them “this is NOT A JOKE to me.  If any of Y’ALL think I have a poker face, you can say it right now and walk your ass out.”

Andi doesn’t stop there though.  She keeps going, “Because it strikes such a nerve with me that someone can look me in the face and tell me I have a poker face with all of this when I have done nothing but try and be natural for y’all.  Like this is not easy for me. [editorial: it must be really hard getting glammed up and traveling around the country, making out with random guys.  That must be really hard.]  I am ex-HAUST-ed.  [editorial: take a nap Andi.  And for the record, you’re exhausting.] I am SO exhausted . [editorial: y’all, she’s still tired.] And I am trying so hard [voice shaking].  I really am….blah blah blah… this is so real to me.”

ABC decides in light of Eric’s tragic death, it’s best not to show the rose ceremony.  Instead, Chris sits down with Andi to talk about her relationship with Eric.  I guess this is a PR move but I’m not buying any of it. Andi acted psycho and that’s that.  She’s just so tired y’all.

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

I Touched My First Butt to “I Will Make Love to You.”

It’s week three at the mansion and Andi knows the only way she can be serious about finding a husband is if she takes this show on the road.  That would be true but for the fact that she’s taking these losers charmers on the road with her.

I’m not sure who Andi ticked off or if perhaps ABC has just run out of money on this show, but for some reason her extravagant travels take her to Santa Barbara.  Don’t get me wrong, that’s a lovely place, but when you consider the exotic places other seasons have traveled, Andi’s destinations leave something to be desired.  Just like this episode leaves something to be desired.

Andi checks in at the Econolodge Beachside in Santa Barbara, where the ABC producers needed to use a Groupon that was about to expire.  I know what you’re thinking, gift certificates can’t expire.  There is very clear case law on the subject.  Anyway, it’s not quite the Ritz Andi was expecting but at least she has some fun dates ahead of her.

Back at the mansion, the guys all sit around in their bro-tanks while Chris Harrison sports a supremely ugly khaki coat.  He tells the guys Andi likes what she sees.  Cody says he doesn’t want to be treated like a piece of meat.  Then he laughs hysterically; who is he kidding, he IS a piece of meat.

cody

photo credit: http://heavy.com/entertainment/2014/05/bachelorette-2014-contestants-cast-photos-pics-guys-winner-spoilers-bios/

First One on One Date: Nick, let’s ride off into the sunset

Andi wants to get to know Nick and she wants him to get to know her.  To make it easier to know her legs and general backside, Andi wears a pair of white shorts that she bought at the Limited Too.  Does that store still exist?  If not, just pick some other store that caters to children ages 10-14.  Those shorts looked terribly uncomfortable, especially compounded with a bike ride.  Advice for Andi: sometimes less isn’t more. Words to live by.

Andi and Nick cruise on their bikes, walk on the beach, hike some mountains and watch the sunset.  It’s almost like ABC read every single cliche personal ad to create this date.  I’m not complaining though because I like doing all those things.  In fact, I prefer it to almost 99% of all other dates that happen on this ridiculous show.

In other news, denim vests are back.  I wonder if I still have mine from 6th grade?  It was from the Gap.  Speaking of 6th grade, Andi and Nick both have crushes on each other.  They head to dinner where they talk about their past relationships.

Back at the house, Marcus is starting to freak out about not getting one-on-one date with Andi.  He’s better be careful before he becomes the new guard and protect your heart guy.

Nick tells Andi that he doesn’t believe in the idea that there is just one person for each person.  Nothing says romance like keeping your options open.  For some reason, Andi buys it though and Nick gets the rose.

Group Date

The boys are in for a big surprise in the form of Boyz to Men.  Sadly, the guys, all born after 1990, have absolutely no idea who Boyz to Men are, except for the cookie guy, Marquel.  He knows.  Brian, the basketball coach says Boyz to Men made him fall in love so many times in 7th and 8th grade.  Eric says he touched his first butt to “I’ll Make Love to You,” in the 7th grade.  I think they’ve both mistaken them for the Backstreet Boys. Andi introduces the group to “her friends,” Boyz to men.  Right.  You guys are about as good of friends as I am with Vincent Kartheiser after following him down the streets of Minneapolis.  True story.

vinnie

Proof!  My friend!  Anyway, the guys are going to be singing with Boyz to Men today.  Unfortunately ABC did not provide the viewing audience with earplugs.  The good news is we all have mute buttons on our TVs.  Use ’em, it’s necessary.  Even though Opera thinks he’s totally in his element, I seriously wore out my battery hitting the mute button every time I saw him on camera.  Atrocious.  Andi can’t sing either, y’all.

When the group is done ruining people’s ear drums, they head to the obligatory after party. Marcus knows it’s time to tell Andi he loves her before it’s too late.  Marcus kisses Andi and declares she’s the ONE.  Well don’t tell that to Nick, Marcus. The former baseball player, whose name I can never remember (apparently it’s Josh), continues to feign nervousness and Andi continues to fall for it.  Ugh.  He’s just plain bad news.  The date group rose goes to Josh.  Marcus needs to get back to the mansion immediately to stick a pin in his Josh voodoo doll.

Second One on One Date: JJ and his loud pants

I have to borrow a phrase from Andi and tell JJ’s pants to stop it.  Just stop.  Can you imagine what he’d wear when he’s the groom?  I’d rather not find out the answer to that question. As I theorized earlier, who in the world did Andi tick off?  This is the world’s WORST date.  I know I’ve said that before, but I MEAN IT.  And typing in capital letters lets you know just how serious I am.

Why would you want your first date with someone to include liver spots, wrinkled skin, balding, and ear hair?  Andi says the date is about seeing what it would be like to be with JJ 50 years from now.  No.  This is NOTHING like what it would be like.  First of all, you both won’t still be thin.  Second, you’ll have emotional baggage.  Third, you’ll probably hate each other, just a little bit.  Fourth, you definitely won’t both be THAT mobile.  I know I should cynical.  But this is dumb.  The two spend the entire date pretending to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.  It’s so stupid.  I can’t even handle it.

When they are done posing as the Greatest Generation, the two head to dinner.  On a couch.  If eating dinner on a couch is the Bachelorette standard, then my boyfriend and I are definitely living a “fairy tale.”  Other than JJ’s pants and this ridiculously lame date, I like him.  Rose for JJ.

At the rose ceremony, JJ confronts the social media guy Patrick who got another girl’s phone number.  A hostess to be accurate.  Patrick says he can’t help it if women are shoving their phone numbers down his throat.  #right.

Andi decides its time to send home the people whose bad hair still hasn’t been remedied.  That includes Brett (ironically a hairstylist) and Bradley (the opera singer), who cries harder than an audience member after the most tragic aria ever sang.

 

 

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

I bared my junk to 13 other guys

Now that the Little Dutch Boy and Fabio are out of the picture, it’s time for Andi to find her husband.  There are 19 men remaining and approximately -1 of them will become Andi’s future husband.  Judge Harrison comes in the morning after the first rose ceremony to check on remaining inmates contestants.  “ORDER, in the mansion,” yells Harrison.  Order is hard to establish.  Andi’s boyfriends have been consuming alcohol for at least 24 hours straight.  Chris asks how they are enjoying the mansion.  All the men excitedly respond that it’s awesome.  Who knew a bunch of grown men sharing bunk beds would produce such an enthusiastic response?  It’s either the booze talking or Andrew and Patrick confirming their love connection.

First One on One Date: Eric

It’s time for Andi’s very first one-on-one date.  She chooses Eric for the date.  In case you didn’t know, all snark and sarcasm aside, Eric tragically died a few weeks ago after a paragliding accident.  Eric is absolutely adorable and seemed to live an incredible life full of travel and adventure.

Andi takes Eric to the beach where they frolic (and Eric does an impressive back-flip).  A little while later, the ABC helicopter makes an unprecedented early entrance as it whisks Eric and Andi to the top of a snowy mountain.  Oh helicopters. Romance.  But not as romantic as…snowboarding.  Maybe it’s because I live in the coldest major city in the US but I seriously don’t want to leave the beach for snow.  No. Thanks. Pretty much nothing at all happens on this date. Andi just keeps saying over and over again that the date is epic. Epic?  I guess I thought that word was reserved for things that are truly epic (like once in a life time) and novels like “The Iliad” and “The Odyssey.”  But what do I know?  I’m just an attorney.  And so is Andi.  Andi’s other favorite word?  Stop.  That must be confusing to the person who is talking.  I’d be all like oh, should I keep going?  Should I stop?  You keep telling me to stop!  Eric gets the rose.  Stop.

Group Date: A Bunch Of People Whose Names I Can’t Remember 

The date card says “let’s bare our souls.”  Unfortunately, Marquel forgot to pay attention in the 4th grade and contemplates if that has anything to do with bears – of the black or brown variety. Those tricky tricky homophones.  Bear with it Marquel, homophones are a bear, even when you’re bare.

Andi takes the group to watch the Thunder from Down Under.  Or Magic Mike?  Or the Chippendales?  Either way, it’s a male revue and Andrew and Patrick can’t wait. Truthfully I don’t even know if they are on this date but I’m just going to pretend they are. The men will be “exposed” to the fine art of male erotic dancing.  I really ought to make erotic dancing part of my future husband screening process.  Good call Andi.

The men get divided into sexy cowboys, sexy firemen, sexy army men, and two solo acts.  Yeehaw. Last week, I jokingly said Cody kissed his biceps when he met Andi.  This week, Cody actually kissed his biceps. You can’t make this stuff up.  Why do I feel like Cody will be completely at home as a male erotic dancer?

To assist in the judging of the guys, Andi has enlisted Kellie the Dog Lover (woof) and Sharleen the organic opera singer from Juan Pablo’s season.  Why does ABC keep shoving Kellie the pot-stirring Dog Lover down my throat? The guys dance, and Cody lets a lady shove money in his mouth.  Hard to believe you had to leave Atlanta to find such husband worthy material!

When the show is over, ABC pumps alcohol straight into Craig’s veins.  In keeping with the theme of the night, Andi shows up to the after party looking like a high class escort.  I would remove “excellent judgment” from your resume pretty soon, Andi.

The opera singer gets Andi alone, drops to one knee and starts to serenade her.  Andi responds with an unenthusiastic “wow.”  I am so thankful nobody has ever gotten down on one knee and starting to sing opera to me.  I cannot handle that.  Please note, reading me poetry will also result in uncomfortable laughter.  Meanwhile, Poor drunk Craig is dying to talk to Andi.  When he gets the chance he asks her “what’s the worst part about your parents?”  Andi’s lawyering instincts kick in and she 1) pleads the Fifth and 2) motions to strike the question from the record.  Craig ends up jumping in the pool and prosecutor Andi is unwilling to issue Craig a get out of jail free card.

Marcus gets the group date rose.  I approve.  He’s adorbs.

Third Date: One on One with Chris the Farmer from Iowa

Andi takes Chris to the horse track.  Andi leaves her adult industry clothing behind and picks a sophisticated green dress for the track. Chris trades in his overalls for a pink shirt and a bow-tie.    Andi and Chris are supremely over-dressed.  This isn’t the Kentucky Derby, kids.  Most of the other horse-track goers are clad in the Wrangler’s Chris just shed.   As if this show couldn’t get any more fake, ABC plops Farmer Chris and Legal Andi next to a couple who, amazingly enough, have been together for 55 years.  Isn’t that convenient! ABC was able to find actors for this bit but couldn’t put a couple extras in Andi’s empty courtroom?  Andi says she needs to bet on the right horse. Chris says he needs to pee like a race horse.

I’m sort of partial to people from Iowa, having spent a great deal of my adult life in Nebraska (a stone’s-throw away from Iowa).  I sort of like soft-spoken, farmer Chris. Plus, I love cows. Rose for Chris.

Then ABC ruined my night.  A stupid private concert.  Why do they do this to me?  WHY!

At the after party, Nick from Wisconsin (shout-out to my home state!) says he wants to find a great love, Marquel wears a wild outfit and tries to flirt, someone does a sock puppet show (because that’s not weird at all) and Josh steals a kiss.  I’d say Josh wins that round boys.  Sock puppet dude, you lose. Drunk Craig sobers up and sings an apology song to Andi.  It went like this (out of tune) “Call it what you wanna call it, I’m an effin’ alcoholic.”  Wait, that’s an actual song.  His was worse.  It had the word “junk” in it.  As in the anatomy of a male. To quote:

I messed up last night.  I had too much firefly.  I bared my junk to 13 other guys.  But I hope and pray that it’s all right.  Oh Andi.  Please let me stay.

Oh Craig.  I sincerely hope that my future husband never has to sing me a song apologizing for showing his junk to 13 other guys. The end.

No rose for Craig.  No rose for the firefighter Carl (he’s an actual firefighter and a male dancing firefighter).  No rose for Nick the golf pro.  I have no clue who that is but I sure could use some golf lessons.

So, who do you think is leading the Andi pack?

 

 

Tagged , , , , , ,