I love you TWO!

Jamaica, ooo I wanna take ya, to Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty momma!

Somewhere Amanda starts crying when she hears the reference to “momma.”  Don’t fear Amanda, you’re in a better place…than Caila.

Ben and his three remaining ladies head to Jamaica for some private sexy time, profuse overuse of the word “love,” and an endless supply of clothing that looks like it could fit an American Girl Doll (yet, somehow, these ladies shimmy their bodies into the tiniest garments known to man.)

Sorely missing is any reference to Jamaica getting a bobsled team.

I pose this question every season, and this season is no different: how would you feel getting the last overnight date?  So. Gross.

First One-on-One: Caila 

Caila (luckily) gets the least disgusting first overnight date.  As the theme of Jamaica is less is always most definitely more, Caila wears her shortest pair of jean shorts that show just enough butt cheek with her boldest croppiest sports bra.  When in Rome.

Ben takes Caila on a Huck Finn raft and the two of them float into a stream of complete silence.  The longer the silence lasts, the mores taciturn Caila becomes.  I find myself starting to break out in a cold sweat as I watch this uncomfortable scene unfold.  Someone get these two some alcohol.

And then, what do you know.  A little shanty (the original food truck) awaits them in the jungle.  The ABC producers give Ben and Caila a coconut full of rum to liven up this date.

At dinner Ben says yo Caila, why were you so weird today?  Caila, loquacious from her liquid courage, waxes on and on about who knows what and then finally says, “I love you.” Ben responds with his favorite words: french kissing.  Caila tells Ben she’s ready to take advantage of the fantasy suite.  It’s perfect because Ben is ready to take advantage of Caila.

Second One-on-One: Lauren 

It was a tough decision but Lauren wins the “most ill-fitting, way too small, why are you wearing your clothes from grade school,” award!  Congrats, Lauren!  Lauren’s crop-top, spaghetti-strap, SWEATER tank top sends the message, I’m mysterious and also very confused.  Her jean shorts that are so short and tight causing poor Lauren to waddle, send the message, I’m down for a wild time, even if it hurts.

Ben takes Lauren to release a sea turtle nest into the ocean.  I can’t tell you how many times in my childhood my mom had us on the side of the road frantically trying to rescue turtles.  You think that’s a joke. But it’s not.  I can only hope their efforts were more successful than ours.

As if the jean shorts and sweater crop-top tank weren’t bad enough, Lauren decides to dress like a salmon for dinner, wearing a crop top/ pencil skirt combo made of spandex from the Charlotte Russe “Working The Vegas Strip” collection.  Size XXS.

Lauren forgoes her individual room key in hopes of fornicating with Ben.  When they make their way back to the fantasy suite (sponsored by Sandals), Lauren tells Ben she is in love with him and also, like, she can’t believe how lucky she is.  Ben breaks all rules and does the one thing he’s forbidden from doing on this show– he tells Lauren he loves her too.

The morning after, Lauren keeps saying Ben’s her person.  No it’s LOBSTER.  Come on.  Watch an episode of Friends!


Third One-on-One Date: JoJo

JoJo greets Ben with her signature jump and straddle.  I envision if I greeted my husband like that,  I would flatten him like a pancake.

The pair helicopter to some hidden waterfalls.  I can only think that it reminds me of Gooseberry Falls in Minnesota.  Minnesota: just as exotic as Jamaica.  Our new slogan.


Minnesota, as sexy as Jamaica.  Even our accents. You betcha. 

JoJo says she’s never seen anything like this before.  Come to Minnesota, JoJo.  We have waterfalls up the uff-da. To celebrate, Ben and JoJo go skinny dipping.  Actually wait.  JoJo is wearing a bathing suit, it’s just flesh-colored and very very similar looking to underwear.

Even after seeing Ben’s awful oblique tattoo, JoJo decides to spring the “I love you,” words on Ben.  Much to JoJo’s complete shock, Ben replies, “I love you too.”  Somewhere, ABC producers hoot and holler with glee.  They’ve got Ben, the three remaining women, and millions of women sitting at home sipping chardonnay from a box, right where they want them.

JoJo is legit flummoxed.  She could have sworn the producers told her he was in love with Lauren.  Oh well, she reasons, guess they were wrong!

During the dinner portion of their date, I got distracted and started researching how to make cheese at home. In case you are wondering, it sounds difficult.

Back to the Bachelor.  There is discussion about the creepy brothers, but JoJo just chalks it up to the bros being protective older siblings.  Bros will be bros.  She says they will love him eventually; Ben is unsure if he will love them eventually.  But alas, forget the brothers, it’s time to consummate this love in the fantasy suite. For the third night in a row. With a different woman each night. Ick.

The Morning After

Ben wakes up and realizes that since he told two women he loves them, he has to keep them around for at least another week.  That means Caila needs to go.

In classic Bachelor fashion, right when Ben comes to this realization, Caila shows up at Ben’s patio.  10 bucks says the ABC producers told Caila Ben really wants to see you, you should totally go surprise him!

Caila wears her cutest pastel tie dye sports bra for her big Ben surprise.  I feel like getting dumped while wearing a sports bra is worse than getting dumped in regular clothes. Caila senses something is wrong and she’s right.  Ben apparently enjoyed the sex with the other two a little more.   All I can think is Caila has the most perfect little body!  I must hit the gym when I’m done eating cookies and reading how to make cheese. Caila handles the situation as well as possible – I have no doubt Caila will go on to great things.  At the very least, hair commercials.

At the rose ceremony, Lauren smugly tells JoJo she’s not nervous, especially after seeing JoJo’s dress that looks like it belongs on an episode of Saved by the Bell.  Both women falsely believe they’ve got this in the bag.  Ben appears and tells the women, the three of us are going to be so happy together!


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You’re Not Going to Get Hurt, You’re Beautiful

A mere two weeks ago, I looked at my television screen, unable to recognize some of the contestants still vying for Ben’s affection.  And now, here we are, with only four women remaining, eager to reintroduce themselves to their families as the future Mrs. Higgins.  I’d be willing to bet my life that none of the women remaining can name the literary reference.

First Hometown: Amanda 

Ben heads to Laguna Beach in hopes of spotting LC, Kristen, Steven and Talan to meet Amanda’s two babies. Ben finds Amanda frolicking on the beach in some shorts she borrowed from her two year old daughter, and a shirt (a word I use in the loosest way possible) that is missing essential elements such as a back, support, structure, and straps. The shirt threatens to expose her womanhood with every step she takes towards Ben.  The ABC staff is on standby with double-sided tape and a black box.  Right as I’m about to be horrified by Amanda’s shirt with wings, I see Ben’s shorts (?) that look like they were pasted on.  Boxer-briefs are so the new shorts.


photo source

As the photo illustrates, the absurd outfits extended to the toddlers too.  Gladiator sandals at the beach, on babies = totally practical.

The family of four spend the day idyllically running around on the beach.  But, like all good things, they must come to an end.  And they come to an end quickly during the car ride home.  The ABC producers sit in the back of car with the two little girls and pepper them with questions about their dad’s lack of involvement and their mother’s failed marriage.  As the girls cry the duration of the car ride home, Amanda looks like she needs a Xanax.  She secretly curses the girls for acting their age as she tries to secure them a new daddy.  Ben reminds himself over and over again that next week is the fantasy suite date.  He can do this.

Back at Amanda’s house, Ben meets Amanda’s parents and sister.  Amanda ditches the littlest one in her crib as soon as possible.  Ben wonders if it’s acceptable to have a beer. Amanda’s fam asks Ben the expected questions, like can you be a dad, blah blah blah.  They are all very nice people.  And the answer is no, Ben is not ready for this.

To end the hometown date, ABC exploits the situation just a tad more by making Ben read a fairytale to the children about his relationship with their mother.  Way to secure these children therapy for the next 25 years.

Second Hometown Date: Lauren

Ben travels to Portland next to visit Lauren B.  Ben, as an aspiring hipster, is thrilled with the opportunity to visit such a hip city.  Lauren does everything right: she takes him to the trendy part of town where they gorge on food truck delectables, including grilled cheese, which Lauren B pretends is a regular part of her diet; they hit up the coziest, coolest whiskey library (which Lauren improperly pronounces as “libary” like one of Amanda’s children); and last but not least, Lauren’s date does not include any screaming children.  Lauren is winning.

When they are appropriately boozed up, Lauren and Ben head to Lauren’s house to meet her father-clone, mother, sister, two little brothers, and 18 year old dog (adorable).  They look like they just stepped out of a Vineyard Vine’s photo-shoot.    Lauren’s family calls her LoLo. Just leaving that out there.

LoLo’s sister takes the first opportunity to nab Ben and grill him about their relationship.

  • LoLo’s sister: LoLo is smart, beautiful, funny, hardworking, super skinny, bottled blonde, etc.  A million guys could easily fall in love with her.  Why do you think she’s so special?
  • Ben: Um.  For all the reasons you just said?
  • LoLo’s sister: Um hm.
  • Ben: I don’t know.  [starts crying].

LoLo’s sister wants to hear straight from the horse’s mouth, what said horse is thinking.  And no I’m not calling Lauren a horse.  It was a cliche gone wrong.  LoLo tells sister, “I feel like Ben is my person.” Dear god, LoLo, please refrain from quoting Gray’s Anatomy.  K, thanks.

Dad tells Lauren, “I don’t want my baby LoLo hurt.”  I throw up a little in my mouth.

Third Hometown Date: Caila 

Ben meets Caila in her current hometown, Hudson, Ohio.  It’s a slice of sweet midwestern charm.  Caila takes Ben to a swinging bench to make out and fulfill her high school wishes. Ben happily obliges.

When Caila’s lips get chapped, she takes Ben to her father’s toy company where they design their own house.  When the designing is done, they actually build the house in the factory.  It’s adorable.  Also, Caila, free legal advice: make sure you get a prenup.  As Ben carries Caila out of the factory, Caila says she knows Ben is the one.  She knows she is going to marry Ben.  Hope you just knocked on wood, girlfriend.

Back at home, Ben meets Caila’s adorable mother (you rock those braces, momma!), CEO dad, and younger brother.  They are such a sweet family.  Also, I would kill for homemade Filipino food.

Caila’s mom steals Ben away to get to know him.  I can’t get over her youthful glow.  She has no wrinkles.  Ben should definitely procreate with Caila–their children will be beautiful! Meanwhile, Caila tearfully tells her dad that she knows, “this is it.”  Caila’s dad tries to stifle his laughter.  “Sweety,” he says in a tone which translates to get a grip, you are better than this.  Caila tells her dad we all make mistakes, just like you and those orange pants.

Caila’s mom has a totally different reaction to the news of Caila’s recently discovered love.  She instructs Caila to jump on Ben and tell him how you feel.  Like all the ladies before, Caila chickens out and can’t get the words, “I love you,” out of her mouth.

Fourth Hometown Date: JoJo

The first three days were so normal. ABC had to do something to spruce up this episode with the last hometown date.  They pull out all the stops – a reconsidering, desperate ex-boyfriend, drunk possessive brothers who verbally abuse Ben, and a mom who drinks straight from the bottle.  Let’s dive right in.

In Dallas, JoJo arrives at her apartment to find flowers outside her door.  Aw, she muses, my sweet Ben is so thoughtful!  She starts reading the accompanying love-letter, feeling her love for Ben grow.  The note references the fact that JoJo has been gone for 39 days.

Wait. Hit the breaks. These people have only been on this show for 39 days and yet, YET, they are actually contemplating MARRIAGE.  Pump. The. Breaks. Someone. PLEASE.

It takes JoJo reading at least half the letter before she realizes it is from the evil Stephano (Legally Blonde anyone?), I mean Chad.  JoJo recoils in horror, “no!”  But yes, JoJo.  This is all part of ABC’s plan.  They get JoJo right where they want her- crying, emotional and dialing her ex Chad.   Chad keeps up his end of the bargain, answers her call, and pretends to be interested in her.  It’s the easiest $500 Chad has ever made.

JoJo fanatically hangs up the ABC iPhone when Ben pulls up to her house.  At first Ben thinks JoJo is crying at the sight of him, but soon realizes that makes no sense.  JoJo fills Ben in on the drama.  Ben looks annoyed.  JoJo pretends like she’s done with Chad.  10 bucks says Chad and JoJo are back together at this very moment.

As though this drama wasn’t enough, ABC has agreed to pay JoJo’s brothers to treat Ben like total dirt.  Bring it on!

Ben and JoJo roll up to JoJo’s mansion, which I assume JoJo’s mom’s botched plastic surgery medical malpractice suit paid for.

Ok. Guys.  What in the world. JoJo’s brother Matt basically tries to make out with JoJo upon her entrance into the house.  She can’t get him off of her.  It’s really bizarre and creepy.  JoJo’s other brother, Ben, is her step-brother, and appeared on his own dating reality tv show “Ready for Love,” not that I watched the entire canceled show or anything. He also appears to be in love with JoJo.

JoJo and her mom retreat to one of the 22 bedrooms to have a conversation about JoJo’s feelings for Ben.  It becomes very obvious that the mom has no idea what this show is about, how it works, or how to register emotions properly anymore. JoJo tells her mom she’s falling in love with Ben.  “I just don’t want to get hurt,” says JoJo. Mom replies, “you’re not going to get hurt, you’re beautiful!”  Let’s take a moment and dissect that.  In the legal world, we call that a non-sequitor.  It does not follow, lady.  “But mom, there are three other girls involved.”  Oh, says mom, completely clueless.

Before I can even say Chris Harrison, the whole family unravels and I feel like I’m watching a scene from the Godfather.

Brother Ben walks into the kitchen and accuses Bachelor Ben of brainwashing the women. Apparently JoJo is incapable of thinking or feeling for herself?  There is no way she can have any emotional investment in Ben unless he brainwashed her? But no sooner can I answer these pressing questions when mom picks up a champagne bottle and DRINKS STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE.

That actually happened.

Dad leans over to Mom and gently reminds her the cameras are rolling and they have plenty of available expensive stemware.

Brother Matt accuses Ben of coached answers and basically calls him a phony.  Is this dude for real?  The mom tries to defend Ben by saying JoJo has been holding back, and Matt tells his mother, “you need to take a step back.”  To your own mother??  Apparently no women in the house are allowed to have opinions.

And yet, JoJo stays.  I assume it’s because of her red dress and sparkly earrings (which I must have).  At the rose ceremony in LA, Ben sends home pint-sized mom, Amanda.  I feel for her – she handles the rejection like the sweet lady she is.  I have no doubt that Amanda will do alright in this world.  But why keep JoJo??! What do you guys think?  Was anyone else disturbed by JoJo’s bros? Are they in love with her?  Were they drunk?  Did they just want to have a little fun?  Is Chad in on this!?

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Why Did You Do that?

I have failed you, my friends.  On probably the most entertaining episode so far this season, I did not provide an update.  Life got the best of me (namely, dog sitting for my parents, bringing the total number of pets in my 1300 square foot home to a whopping FOUR, for two weeks).  Ben finally came to his senses and told the producers he wasn’t going to be a puppet in their game any longer – Olivia needed to go.  The producers agreed he could cut her loose but only on an island with hurricanic winds and no viable plan to bring Olivia back to safe shores.  I can only assume that somewhere in the Bahamas, Olivia has found her Wilson and hopefully learned how to build a fire.

On to this week.  Ben decided it was time to bring his remaining ladies back to his hometown: Warsaw, Indiana.


Becca is nervous she’ll need to find Indiana on a map upon demand.  She thinks it’s somewhere near Nebraska or Kansas.  The Twin has never been anywhere with temperatures less than 60 degrees.  My mind wanders to the Warsaw Pact and I contemplate if any of these women can name a single treaty.

Warsaw looks, surprisingly, like a lovely town.  It’s beautiful and quaint.  Serve up Ben with a side of Apple Pie and it looks like a scene in my 4th grade social studies book.  Hashtag americana.

Ben meets his parents at the local greasy spoon.  Um.  Ben’s dad is a hottie. Hey there, silver fox! Ben tells his parents he’s falling in love.  His mom tries to wipe the horrified look off her face.  Is Ben an only child?  Anyone?  Bueller?

Later, Ben picks up the ladies in a pontoon boat and I’m officially on board with Ben.  Anyone with a boat has me sold.

First One-on-One Date: Lauren B

I think we are finally down to one Lauren, which means I can stop pretending to know who the other Lauren is or what her last name initial is.  Ben tells the story of his first kiss, which happened in 7th grade.  I was still playing with Barbies in 7th grade.  I’m not sure which one of us is the normal one. And if that didn’t convince you, surely this will:


Really appealing. Who knew I was such a patriot!

You are welcome for that.  Don’t act like you didn’t have an awkward phase.

Ben takes Lauren on a tour of Warsaw, which includes an after school program center where Ben used to work, I assume 10 years ago. Ben and Lauren play with the kids.  Lauren says she fits in well with the kids because she’s the same size as them and only a few years older.  Some members from the Indiana Pacer’s show up to play with the kids.  I think that’s some sort of pro basketball team.  Lauren giggles like a school girl as she tries to play with Paul George’s balls.  I mean basketball.  Ben is irritated that the Pacer’s sent their most attractive player.

Later, Ben takes Lauren to his local dive bar to meet his friends.  Interestingly enough, Farmer Chris took his winner, Whitney, to the bar to meet his friends too.  Coincidence?

Second One-on-One Date: JoJo

JoJo and Ben are heading to the windy city for, I hope, some strolling and shopping on Michigan Ave followed by drinks on the top level of the John Hancock.  Or, in the alternative, a boat architecture tour and a stop at Navy Pier.  Or hit up some of the fantastic museums and see a show.

But no.  Instead, they spend the entire day AND NIGHT at Wrigley.  Look.  I get it.  Wrigley is cool and historic and BLAH BLAH BLAH.  But come on. They weren’t even at a game!  They were just at Wrigley.  Doing nothing.

It’s official.  JoJo’s first trip to Chicago was a total waste. They play baseball, they make out and that’s about it. Zzz.

Group Date: Caila, Becca, Mom

Ben takes the girls to some remote area to row boats and fly kites.  Does anyone else not like flying kites?  I like watching them but I’ve never successfully launched my kite.  Mom agrees and hopes there is more to the date than flying kites. Be careful what you wish for.

Becca pulls Ben aside and tells him “just don’t blindside me.”  Consider yourself forewarned, Bachelor viewers.

The group date is over faster than you can say Chris Harrison.  Mom gets the group date rose and gets to continue her romantic evening  at McDonalds.  She’s hoping she can at least supersize things, or else this is nothing but a total waste.  She can’t believe she’s starved herself for weeks only to have to force down an Egg McMuffin on national TV.

We get it McDonalds.  You sponsor the Bachelor.  Now give me free fries for life and I’ll sing you nothing but high praises.

Ben tells Amanda he brought the girls to Warsaw because he wanted them to experience the normal things he does, such as going to McDonalds. And apparently, working at McDonalds.  Dear god.  This is so stupid.  And that’s coming from someone who eats McDonalds more often than I care to admit.

There was slight redemption when Ben took Amanda to the local carnival.  Ten bucks says it was this same location where Ben smooched his first girl in 7th grade. As Amanda sits at the top of the Ferris Wheel, making out with Ben, she says that she feels like the luckiest girl in the world right now.  A carny could make you feel that way every day for the rest of your life. Just throwing that out there.

Third One-on-One Date: Twin 

Emily gets the last coveted one-on-one date. Ben takes Emily in his pontoon boat, where she verifies that the birds she sees in the water, are in fact, swans.

As a fun surprise, Ben takes Emily to his house to meet his parents.  Emily, totally freaked, wishes she would have worn jeans that exposed less of her knee caps and thighs.

Emily tells the camera she’s really nervous.  She says talking to people makes her really anxious and she doesn’t want to make an idiot of herself.  Ben’s mom pulls Emily aside for some private conversation and what comes out of Emily’s mouth is pure word diarrhea.

  • Emily: So I’m one of the youngest ones here. And like I’m 23 and I don’t know, it’s just been,  I don’t know, kind of hard and I know I’m young and I don’t travel a lot but this has been really hard but I have really blossomed and grown and I didn’t know I would turn into this woman. I am young and there is um so much that I want to do and I have so many dreams and I’ve dreamed of being a NFL cheerleader for as long as I can remember.  And so, yeah, the Denver Broncos.
  • Mom: Horrified face.  Fights back tears.
  • Emily: So it’s just your son and he makes me feel ready and not scared.  I’ve always wanted to get married young and have kids young.  I’ve been average my entire life but I feel like I’ll be an above average wife and mother.

Meanwhile, Ben’s dad calls Emily “very attractive,” and “very young.”  Emily has some alone time with Ben’s dad and tells him that she loves movies and if she could sit around all day, she would watch movies.  And she hates vegetables.

With one rip in her pants too many, her lack of nutritious eating, and her desire to watch movies all day (she’s basically me), Emily pounds the final nail into her proverbial coffin. Poor Em.  She’s such a sweet girl.  And yes, she’s young, and yes, she rambled a bit, but I wouldn’t call her immature.  Maybe slightly naive.  But simply because she wants to be an NFL cheerleader and dyes her hair very very blonde, doesn’t make Emily less deserving of Ben’s love than the next girl.  Maybe she isn’t right for Warsaw, Indiana, but there is definitely some one out there who will love Emily and her twin, exactly as they are.  Maybe even Paul George.  Paul George, you available for my girl Em?

Emily handles the dumping with grace and dignity.  I’m left annoyed by the ABC producers.  Do you really think Ben was considering marrying Emily?  Was this entire date designed to embarrass her?  Was he really just unsure?  What do you guys think?

Ben skips the cocktail party and hands out roses to JoJo, Lauren and Caila.  Becca, looking livid, whispers into Ben’s ear, “why did you do that,”  as though Becca, despite already being on this dumb show once, does not understand the show’s premise.  Apparently she thought threatening him with “don’t blindside me,” meant she couldn’t be eliminated the same way EVERY GIRL gets eliminated.  Now please Becca, don’t come back.  Bye.

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Dragon Breath

The ladies grab their sarongs, sombreros, and string bikinis and head to Mexico City. Ben is confident that with just enough tequila and lime, he can find the woman he’s supposed to marry.  He does not specify if that woman is among the hand selected ABC group, or if he will find his own local mamacita.

The girls arrive at the Four Seasons and Olivia is most excited that she has a bidet.  So many jokes I could make about that, but alas, they are too crass.

One-on-One – Amanda: Let’s Put All Our Eggs in One Basket

Olivia is outraged that Ben would chose her for a one-on-one date.  Doesn’t he know she has… CHILDREN?  The way she says it makes it seem like Amanda has some sort of communicable disease.  Olivia knows children are not what Ben wants.  Um. Really?  Moving on.

Ben decides to surprise the women at 4:30 AM in the hotel room to catch a glimpse of the women in their natural state.  I would have a look of pure hostility on my face.  Nothing makes me more upset than people waking me up.  I wouldn’t even care about the zit cream on my face or the rancid, stagnant toot/ bad breath air (don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about).  I would just be so annoyed with Ben’s perky personality.  Note to husband – nothing makes me dislike you more than when you pop up like a piece of toast and expect me to join suit.  The teacher wears a retainer (totally me), Olivia is unrecognizable and has dragon breath, and Amanda pops out of bed with a face full of flawless makeup and perfectly curled hair.  Right.

Ben takes Amanda and her tiny little voice and bare shoulders on a hot air balloon ride.  I spent the entire date wondering if Amanda’s roots were intentional?  Is that a look?

After the ballon ride, Amanda tells Ben about how her husband was up to no good on his cell phone with other women.  You know what’s ironic?  All these women telling Ben about how their past boyfriends and relationships ended after their partner was unfaithful.  And yet, now they are on the Bachelor…a show that is premised on a dude dating 25 women at the SAME TIME.  Amanda gets the rose.

Group Date

There are seriously some women I’ve never seen before on this date.  Leah?  Who the heck are you!?

The group takes a spanish lesson, which I would bomb. I can’t tell you how frequently I practice trying to roll my Rs with zero success.  One time I rolled my Rs in my sleep and it was glorious.  When Spanish class is over, the girls split into teams of two to go grocery shopping for a cooking contest.  In Mexico they say if you know how to cook, you are ready to get married.

Hey Mexico, the 1950’s called.  They want their motto back.

At the after party, Jubilee starts to slowly deteriorate.  She can’t handle the group date, she’s tired of watching Ben hold hands with other women, she doesn’t have an outgoing personality, Lauren B stole her all white outfit and Olivia’s dragon breath is slowly inducing unconsciousness.

Speaking of Lauren B, while Jubilee starts to have a mental health breakdown, Ben whisks Lauren into the streets of Mexico to make out with her.  When Ben returns, Ben decides it’s time to talk with Jubilee.  He reaches out to take her hand and she rebuffs his attempts.  Probably because you have another woman’s lipstick all over your face.  Just a thought.

The handholding rejection, and general puss-face during group dates, leads Ben to the conclusion that Jubilee will not, in fact, be his wifey.  He makes her leave immediately.  And yet, Dragon Breath remains. Ben rejoins the group and tells them the following: “so um yeah.  Jubilee was someone who I found incredibly intriguing when I first met her.  But now I don’t.  Because she wouldn’t hold my hand in front of your guys.  And that threatened my manhood.  And even though we’re in Mexico and she won the cooking contest and therefore, she’s wife material, she doesn’t like group dates and if my wife doesn’t like it when I date other women, then I don’t want that sort of wife.  Got it?  If I want to date in groups, I’m going to date in groups and my wife better be ok with that.”

The remaining girls all reassure Ben that they are totally fine with him dating as many women as he wants. Dragon Breath got the group date rose.

Second One-on-One Date: Lauren (Kindergarten teacher)

Ben takes Lauren to a fashion show during Mexico City’s fashion week because nothing screams fashion like a kindergarten teacher from Michigan. Miranda Priestly shows up to deliver the news to Lauren that she and Ben will be walking in the fashion show.  They actually manage to do a pretty good job!

At dinner, Lauren tells Ben, wait for it…all about how her ex boyfriend cheated on her.  Is that a new prerequisite for the show?  Bachelor application:

  • Must be willing to show 90% of your skin, regardless of weather conditions
  • Must be willing to make out with Bachelor upon demand, even after Dragon Breath
  • Must be emotionally damaged, including but not limited to the following damaging situations:
    • been cheated on
    • been abused
    • family tragedy
    • used to be fat but then became anorexic
  • Must have body mass index of less than 16
  • Must be less than 25 years of age but older than 20.
  • Must be unemployed or have a job that no self-sufficient woman over the age of 25 would ever dream of having (again, anyone over 25 need not apply)
  • Must fit into shorts you bought in the 6th grade, which really, was not that long ago
  • Must have access to hair extensions, fake eye lashes, and a curling iron
  • Must be willing to say “I do” upon ABC’s demand
  • Must like gaudy rings

Lauren gets the rose.

At the cocktail party, to quote 10 Things I Hate About You, one of the best movies EVER, the shit has hitteth the fan.  While discussing her issues with her ex-husband’s lack of parenting, Olivia tells Amanda it feels like an episode of Teen Mom.

Oh girl.  No you didn’t.  The remaining twin is fed up.  She decides it’s time to pull the blindfold off Ben’s face and tell him all about Dragon Breath’s real personality.

  • Twin: SHE SUCKS.
  • Ben: For real? But she has such a big mouth.
  • Twin: She disrespects me so much.  I’m really upset.
  • Ben: I really appreciate you telling me this.  Between you and me, the ABC producers keep shoving her down my throat.  You too, but that’s a conversation we can have another time.

Right as Ben is about to start handing out roses, Ben asks to speak privately with Olivia.


And the show ends.  Will she stay or will she go?!?!



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Zen with Ben

Ben knows the best way to learn if these women are wife material is to take them to Sin City.  There is so much to test in Vegas.  The following vices can all be assessed:

  • gambling
  • drinking
  • stripping
  • nudity
  • prostitution
  • gluttony
  • and people who like Celine Dion too much

Ben wants a woman who can let her hair down, pretend she loves buffets but really only eats a salad, has no qualms about wearing shirts as dresses in public, drinks all night long without throwing up, and does, indeed, let her heart go on.

Amazingly enough, the first thing out of Olivia’s mouth when she hears they are headed to Vegas is that she wants to see Celine.  Sorry Olivia. You’re out.

First One-on-One Date: Jojo, you set my heart on fire.

Oliva is not threatened by this because Ben is hers.  Ben is her piece (?) and she is zen with Ben.

For Jojo’s date, she decides that less is more.  Less shirt and less shorts = more likely ABC will need to use the privacy black box during this date.  Remember when Bermuda shorts were in style? These chicks definitely don’t remember that. All they’ve ever known are 1 inch inseams.

Or maybe she wore barely any clothes so she wouldn’t add unnecessary weight to the helicopter that picks them up?  As the helicopter lands, its propeller causes gale force winds so Jojo and Ben, naturally, hide behind a cocktail table and make out in plain view of the other ladies.  They spend the helicopter ride making out, which begs the question, why go on the helicopter ride?  YOU’RE MISSING THE VIEW.  COME ON.

After the heli ride, Jojo talks about her ex boyfriend, they make out more, and the date is over.  Most boring date ever.

Group Date

There is some famous ventriloquist who is hosting the group date.  The girls all comment that they grew up watching his show.  I’ve never heard of this dude.  Is this an age gap thing? Do you think the girls have ever heard of Mr. Rogers?

The puppet announces the women are going to put on a talent show for Ben and 1 million other drunk people.  Immediately, I think Olivia’s talent will be stuffing her fist into her giant mouth.  That’s got to be what she’s best at, right?

Olivia ignores my suggestion and instead puts on a showgirl outfit, which is basically a sequined bikini with a feather boa, and she thanks for lucky stripes for the foresight to shave this morning. Her plan is basically to shimmy around and point.  That’s her talent.

To my shock (and slight disappointment), all the other women have actual talent!  The twins do a really good Irish dance, Jubliee plays the cello, someone who I think is unemployed makes ballon animals, another girl juggles, some girl bongs a beer.

And then it was Olivia’s turn.  She started out strong by popping out of a cake.  But then things took a serious turn for the worst.  She would have been better off if she cried and ran off state.  Instead she bobbed around awkwardly, not dissimilar to a bird, and kicked her legs around.  Ben hung his head in embarrassment.  Olivia silently wonders if she can audition for the Rockettes. No. No you can’t. When she goes to hug Ben, reality sets in that the performance was not up to Ben’s standards.  She starts to cry and realizes she was not wife material.

Undeterred, Olivia puts on her best 70’s negligee that lets her ladies hang free and heads to the cocktail party where the theme this evening is who needs pants when you can have a shirt cover almost all of your naughty bits.  Sure hope you shaved today too Caila. Caila decides as soon as she gets Ben alone that she’s just going to throw her legs over his lap and start making out with him.  Conversation be damned.  Ben describes her as a sex panther.  I start to throw up my dinner.

Ben seems drunk as he plays with the puppet and talks to the kindergarten teacher, whose name I do not know because she gets no screen time.  He makes the teacher make out with the puppet.

Second One-on-One Date: Becca 

Becca, the virgin, puts on a crisp white dress and meets Ben at the Little White Chapel.  This date is so dumb I don’t even want to blog about it.  I’d rather count the number of gray hairs on my head, clip my toenails, scoop my cat’s litter-box, wash moldy Tupperware, or listen to sports radio than rewatch this date and blog about it.  That’s how boring and dumb it is.

First Ben fake proposes, then Becca changes into more 70’s lingerie, and then they awkwardly marry people who are either drunk, related, underage, or actors.  Don’t you love when the person officiating your marriage has their chest hair on full display?  Nothing says romance like another man’s chest hair.

becca date

I am just over Becca.  She’s got the personality of a wet rag.  Is there anything in there?  SO BORING.  But I did notice that she’s trying to show slightly more signs of a pulse this season, which led to a heated debate during this week’s show with my friends- is Becca here for Ben or is Becca here to try to be the next Bachelorette?  *note – she’ll never be the Bachelorette because zzzzzzzzzz. What do you think?  Take my poll.

Surprise Two-on-One Date: In it to Twin it

The Twins, who nobody can tell apart, are headed out with Ben on an impromptu hometown date.

The mom, also a bottle blond, is basically like the Twins’ cool older sister.  She reminds me of the mom from Mean Girls.



Haley takes Ben to her bedroom – it appears she still lives at home with her mom and twin – and there are photos all over of her ex-boyfriend.  Emily tells Ben her connection with him is deeper than her twin.  Ben is easily swayed and decides Emily is the twin he’d like to keep pursuing.  Emily looked more upset by Ben’s decision than Haley.  We need to find these girls a set of identical twins who also don’t want to be without their twin.  Why not just tell them both to stay home – you know you’re not marrying them.  PS – did you see those shots sans makeup?  I didn’t even recognize them!

At the rose ceremony, Olivia gets the last rose, or as she rationalizes, the best for last.  The bartender and the unemployed chick go home.  BYE, Amber.  Don’t let a cocktail hit you in the face on the way out. Amber curls up in a fetal position on a pool lounge chair that earlier hosted a drunk naked passed out girl and the ABC psychotherapist is summoned with the good drugs.

Next week, the women head to Mexico for tequila, tans and tears.

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But She Does Have Fat Toes

You know those times when you are just about to settle in to watch the Bachelor and suddenly your husband comes home and tells you your parent’s SUV, the one you borrowed 6 months ago, is no longer parked on the street? And then the police have to come RIGHT AS THE SHOW IS ABOUT TO START?  Don’t you hate when that happens?

I do.

Not that it happened to me last week.  Nope.  No way. The reason I missed the first 30 minutes of the Bach this week had absolutely nothing to do with the scenario I described above.  Just in case you’re wondering – people don’t like it when you leave a car on the street for weeks and/or months at a time.  Just a friendly PSA.  You know…not that I know or anything.

Can you believe it’s already week 3 at the mansion?  Doesn’t that mean the Bachelor is like 3 weeks away from picking his wife???  Does this mean that Ben and his entourage of 21 year olds will hit the road soon?  Bring your IDs, young ladies!

The show starts with the Mom and the Flight Attendant discussing Olivia.  I actually replayed this four times.  Mom tells Flight Attendant that Olivia spent $40,000 on clothes for the show.

FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS ON CLOTHES????? And my husband thinks I shop too much? Here’s what I could buy with 40K.

  • a luxury vehicle (which I promise to not get towed.  Kidding.  I can’t make that promise.  Parking enforcement around these parts makes that darn near impossible).
  • a new kitchen AND a new bathroom
  • like 30,000 chocolate milk shakes
  • new underwear for years
  • all the SmartWool products EVER
  • a partridge in a pear tree

Chris comes to the mansion to scope out any prospects for himself deliver the news about this week’s dates.  There will be two one-on-one dates and one group date.  Collective OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOs ensue.

Lauren B – The Sky’s The Limit

Who is Lauren B?  The flight attendant – thus the corny sky joke.  Lauren B puts on her spaghetti tank top that conveniently has sleeves so she’s prepared for all types of weather.


(photo source – http://www.tvjelly.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Screen-Shot-2016-01-19-at-9.56.40-AM.png)

They pull up to a small local airport and the flight attendant, I REPEAT, the flight attendant, is scared to go flying.  Come on.  Basically, the producers kept telling her we’re going to need for you to act super nervous. Act like you’ve never flown before.  Ben can’t remember what you do for a living anyway.

The flight attendant has never seen a plane like this before.  But you have seen Snoopy before…right?  Flying Ace? Or that war we called the Second World War?  Better known as World War II?  No? Not familiar?


(photo source – https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/5f/49/c9/5f49c96c4c71250bd4685869fd959708.jpg)

The pilot is forced to listen to their cheesy conversation and watch them make out.  The producers have Sky Thrill fly over the mansion, because, of course.  The girls CAN’T EVEN.  THIS TOTALLY SUCKS.

The plane drops them off in the middle of nowhere next to the circle of life tree, as seen on the Lion King.  Also waiting for them is a hot tub.  Lauren is instructed to change behind the tree.  Seriously. Lauren comes out in her tiny bikini and I immediately regret my decision to eat an entire pot of macaroni and cheese.

Side note – did you know someone is still on this show whose employment lists “umemployed” ???  Why is that person still here!  Are there no standards?  Oh.  My mistake.

Back on the date with Lauren, Ben calls her a girl like 50 times in a row.  Ben. Ben. Ben.  She’s a woman.  Ben shares a story about how his dad has heart problems.  Lauren shares a story that she had a perfect life and wants to procreate and make more perfect lives.

Very dramatic piano music plays while Ben gives Lauren the date rose.  All I can picture is the main guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall playing the score for the Bachelor.

Finally, because this show does the same stupid things over and over again, Ben takes Lauren to see some random concert. Of course the lyrics totally speak to Ben.

Group Date: Love is the Goal 

Enough girls head out on a date with Ben that they can form TWO soccer teams.  Two profesh soccer players come out, and of course, the girls like totally know these amazing players.  Liars.

The stakes are high for this date: the losing team will head back to the mansion reeking of pathetic defeat, will receive care for any concussions they have suffered, and will lose precious moments to bond with Ben, thus limiting their chances of securing the Neil Lane.  The winning team, sweating with nothing but victory and a subtle rose scent, will join Ben for a booze infused evening where there is sure to be drama, spit swapping, and ample opportunity to backstab.  Whatever it takes to find your man. May the best twin win.  Yes, the twins are separated.

The teams are divided by stars and stripes.  The stripes look like they just escaped the local penitentiary.  Perhaps some did.  AHHHEMMM Olivia.

Unemployed girl gets injured and Olivia seizes the opportunity to score against the girl whose leg needs to be amputated.  She will stop at nothing.

Oliva continues her aggression at the cocktail party; she’s embraced Sarah Palin’s philosophy- pit bull with lipstick.  Ben is mid sentence when Olivia steals him away from the group.  The women take this opportunity to talk about Olivia behind her back (also the only reason we watch this dumb show)

  • Twin: She’s like, just so like, aggressive.
  • Amber: But she does have fat toes.  I’ve noticed. (VERBATIM QUOTE!)
  • Twin: (privately) They were making fun of her toes.  Toes should not matter.  But she has terrible breath. I wonder if he’s smelling what I smell.

Jami, who I always want to call Jammy but is really called Jamie, is not going to let these biotches talk about her friend’s toes like that.  But rather than stand up to them, she decides to just tell Olivia about the toe smack.

  • Jami: They started picking apart your appearances.
  • Olivia: (looking indignant, but all knowing) Let me guess. My calves.
  • Jami: No.
  • Olivia: MY CANKLES?
  • Jame: No. Your toes.  Your toes like aren’t cute.
  • Olivia: (looking shocked.  She had considered her calves and her cankles as her only flaw – nobody had ever mentioned her toes.)  My toes?!

Olivia tells the camera she knows she has bad toes. She hates her toes.

Date rose goes to Bachelor repeat, Amber.

Second One on One Date: Jubilee 

Ben shows up for the date 20 minutes late and Jubilee teases Ben about it.  Then she makes a joke about not being excited.  The girls see this as no laughing matter.  No jokes can be made in the presence of the Bachelor. This could be your husband.  Do not be aco-taco.

Jubilee, terrified of heights, asks the girls as Ben makes her board a helicopter, if someone else wants to go on the date, thus sealing her fate as the most hated woman in the house. Olivia might have fat toes and a mean personality but her status as most hated is revoked when Jubilee shows anxiety over heights.  HOW DARE SHE!  Doesn’t she know that if Ben wants to march her straight into an anxiety attack or to her death, she should do so not only with open arms but a coquettish smile on her face and just the right amount of exposed midriff too? Doesn’t she know that?!

Good luck getting the target off your back, Jub.

Amber is livid.  Ben just planned (um wrong) her an amazing date and she is not grateful enough.

The heli flies them to a mansion.  We learn Jubilee does not like caviar but loves hot dogs. With you girl.  We also learn that Ben wants all dates to include a hot tub.

Personally, I love Jubilee and I’m really happy she got the rose.

But the girls back at the house? Not so much. It’s gang up on Jubilee night at the cocktail party and leading the charge is Amber.  Get a life, Amber.

Before Amber can start her crusade against Jubilee, Ben comes in with an announcement that his good family friends have died.  Olivia sees this as the perfect opportunity to tell Ben about her insecurities: her cankles. She starts to cry about people who blog about her cankles.  Ben is irritated that Olivia wants to talk about her fat ankles at this moment.

Jubilee takes a different approach and massages Ben because she knows it’s his favorite thing.  Amber is livid. She basically chases Jubilee around and forces her to try to hide in the bathroom, but she doesn’t respect that boundary either.  Amber verbally assaults Jubilee. I wish Ben would have taken the rose away from Amber and sent her home.  FYI, Ben is never going to pick you.  Go back to making rum and cokes and leave us alone.

In the most insightful moment this season, Lace decides to send herself home because Lace needs to work on herself.  She’s not living up to her tattoo: you can’t love someone else until you truly love yourself.  Half of me is horrified that she had to get a tattoo to remind herself of that and also horrified that she is disappointed in herself for not listening to her tattoo, but the other half of me is really proud that she recognizes her issues and wants to work on them.  My next tattoo suggestion for you is “the first step is admitting you have a problem.”

Till tomorrow!



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I was away this weekend and as such I didn’t have five hours to dedicate to rewatching this riveting episode of the Bachelor while simultaneously composing a blog post that is both witty and blithe yet to all of our horror, truthful with a touch of hyperbole (but sadly, not much because, well, the girls speak for themselves).

But let’s be honest.  We all watch this dumb show just so we can sit around talking about how ridiculous the whole thing is.  I wouldn’t want to disappoint you by not recapping at all because that would be no fun.  So let’s take a moment and talk about what we learned during week two at the mansion.

Lesson No. One:  It’s Never Ok to Talk About Yourself in the Third Person.  Also STOP CALLING YOURSELF CRAZY. K THANKS.

Lace is nursing a serious hangover.  She wonders if Ben saw her stab her Ben voodoo doll over and over again in the eyes during the rose ceremony.  She vows not to drink until at least 2 PM.  She is determined to let Ben know she’s NOT CRAZY.  Repeat.  LACE IS NOT CRAZY. Here’s the convo she had with herself:

  • Lace: Lace got a little too drunk that night.  That was not Lace.  Lace is not crazy.
  • Lace: I am going to show Ben that Lace is not crazy.  Lace is wondering if Ben thinks Lace is crazy.
  • Lace: These b*tches can suck it.
  • Lace: Do you even notice me? Do you know I’m here? HELLO?
  • Lace: Ben didn’t get to know the real Lace.  He saw a different Lace.  He saw a side of Lace I didn’t want to come out.
  • Lace: Lace is never getting enough time with Ben.  Lace is so sad she’s letting her crazy show.
  • Lace: We’re making eye contact galore.  We’re almost EYE BEEPING.  (She actually said this.  These words).

Lesson No. Two: Olivia Has the World’s Biggest Mouth.  Literally.  And Probably Figuratively. 

Olivia is riding high on her first impression rose.  Hastag MrsHiggins.  I’ve got a hashtag for you: iveneverseensuchahugemouthbeforeinmylifeanditsalwaysopenmrshiggins.



Olivia is this season’s mean girl.  She thinks her shit don’t stink (sadly the Bachelor basically says so much too – more on that later).

Lesson Three: Maybe Consult a Map and Locate the State of Indiana Before You Sign Up for The Bachelor and Date a Hoosier.  ALSO WHY DON’T YOU KNOW WHERE THE STATE OF INDIANA IS ON A MAP.  UGH.  Or Chicago?????

I’m looking at you, Becca.  Yikes.  Instead of hopping from season to season on the Bachelor, why don’t you learn some geography. And other things you should have learned in fourth grade.  Just a thought.  The group date this week features the girls going back to school.  Some of the school lessons included making Ben’s volcano explode (that was science, not sex ed), bobbing for apples, placing Indiana on a map, basketball, and jumping some hurdles.  The Dentist won the school competition (as she should have since she’s the most educated person there) and she was crowned homecoming queen.  Ben tries to hide his disappointment that the person he least wanted to be his queen was the winner.  Oh well, think of it like a romcom, Ben.


I didn’t know we’d need a lesson on this but inevitably, we do. On the second group date where Olivia’s giant mouth dominates her competition, Ben is forced to breathe in the ovaries of the women after they’ve worked up a sweat.  He describes all of them using words like, floral, sweet, fruity but then he got to Samantha.  And the words he can never take back came out of his mouth.  Sour.  He says Sam smells SOUR.

I. would. have. died.

Like for real.  I would have crawled into Olivia’s mouth and died.

Lesson Five: Kevin Hart Hot Tubs Nude. 

That is all.



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Let’s Be Honest. Who Wants A Beeping Virgin?

Guess who’s back.  Back again.

Since last we saw each other, so much has changed.  Kaitlyn had sex with Nick.  (We all make mistakes, Kaitlyn). Neil Lang created yet another gaudy, tacky, iceberg of a diamond ring, which was slipped on Kaitlyn’s finger by Sean and the producers of ABC’s The Bachelor. (Again, we all make mistakes, Kaitlyn).  Participation ribbon winner, Ben Higgens, was named this season’s latest piece of Bachelor meat with 26 desperate women (desperate for a myriad of things including but not limited to fame, love, attention, STDs, giant diamond ring likely to induce wrist injury, future Bachelorette, ample hot-tub time, sparkly gowns, Chris Harrison, and embarrassing your family).

But alas my loyal readers.  The biggest change of them all.  Aside from the fact that at the age of 30, I’m now considered a cougar in Bachelor land, I have forever taken myself out of the running to vie for the love of a complete and utter stranger who could have become my husband in six short weeks,  while competing against a bunch of cocktail waitresses and chicken enthusiasts, wearing my finest pair of shorts from the 6th grade that show off just enough butt cheek but not too much and subsiding on nothing but vodka and the smell of coconut-scented sunscreen.  Why you ask?



And also THIS!


That’s right.  I’m hitched. I’m officially off the Bachelor market.  And now that our wedding is behind us, I can get back to the important things in life.  Like making fun of people commenting on the new season of the Bachelor.  I have to admit, I’ve missed this.

Without further ado, let’s meet our Bachelor, Ben Higgins.



[ http://i0.wp.com/okmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/ben-Higgins-bachelor-021.jpg?fit=600%2C9999%5D

Hey, Ben!  Healthy meal you got there! I always eat my salmon shirtless too.  We’ve got so much in common.

Here’s what we know about Ben.  He’s 26.  I’ll let that sink in for a second.  FYI Ben, there is this app called Tinder – I think you’d do ok on it.  He eats dinner in the buff. He’s a midwestern boy from Indiana.  Kaitlyn dumped him.  He’s some sort of salesman (a job totally worth making a fool of yourself and fighting over, obviously). He wants a wife with small-town values (all I heard was women should be seen, not heard).  He fears being unloveable.  I’m sorry but WHO SAYS THAT?  What is that about?  Is it weird that I find myself totally lovable?  He’s hoping the next time he sees his parents, he’ll have a “young lady,” on his arm.  Luckily for Ben, he has a bevy of eligible 21 year olds eager to take tequila shots out of his bellybutton.  And last but not least, he let ABC give him the world’s WORST haircut.

Who better to help Ben in his quest to find a “young lady,” than three Bachelor vets, who include Farmer Chris, Sean, and some old guy named Jason.  No but you guys.  Jason looks down right middle aged.  BECAUSE HE IS.  He’s 13 years older than the current Bachelor.  He could have birthed the current Bachelor.  It would have been weird, but he could have.

Farmer Chris has no advice, because well, Whitney hates him. Oh and to kiss all the girls.  Sean’s advice is to find a subservient woman whose dream in life is to cook and clean for her man.  Jason’s advice is to treat women like your equal.  ABC producers quickly tell Ben to disregard such silly advice.

For the next hour and a half we meet Ben’s ladies.  It’s the usual cast of characters: the villain, the clinger, the crier, the drunk, the unusual, the miniature horse, and the repeats. Here are the standouts:

Most Likely to Need an Order for Protection Against 

And the award goes to… Caila!


[photo source]

Sure, she looks sweet and innocent but girl is convinced Ben is her soulmate.  And why wouldn’t she?  They are both software sales reps.  #soulmatesforeverandeverandeverxoxoxo.  She’s 24, which is perfect for Ben’s desire for a “young lady.”  And she broke up with her boyfriend after she saw Ben on TV, because you know, fate.  Hashtag FATE.  Careful Ben.  Somewhere Caila is slowly making her very own Ben hair doll.

Caila wastes no time with the creep factor, instantly running into Ben’s arms, forcing him to hold her in his arms as soon as she gets two feet out the limo door.

Most Likely to Abuse Access to Laughing Gas and Prescription Drugs



[photo source]

Can you believe this chick actually holds a medical license?  When Ben comments on her giant rose hat, she responds saying that “maybe if things go well tonight, you can pollinate it later.”  Class act.

Mandi is no shrinking violet.  In fact, she’s the opposite; she’s the first impression rose.  She seizes the first opportunity to steal Ben away from the group while he’s mid-sentence welcoming all the ladies on this “epic journey.”  Mandi wastes no time crossing boundaries and insists on giving Ben an oral examination (not that kind, you sicko!).  “If we’re going to make out, you have to floss,” says Mandi, the dentist.  Something tells me she says that way too often to her patients too.

Most Likely to Be A Porn Star

Or stars, I should say.  This award goes to the Twins.  The 22 year old Vegas twins.  Whose contract just ran out with the circus.

Emily and Haley are bottle blonds who love their act as twins.  ferguson-twins-1-750x522-1444058014.jpg

[photo source]

These two surely embody the midwestern small-town values Ben wants in his future wife.  They tell the cameras that dating twins is every man’s fantasy.  To calm Ben, the girls tell him, “it’s not weird for us so it shouldn’t be weird for you.”  I’m not even sure what this means anymore.

Most Likely To Be Confused With a Little Child 

If you only heard her voice, you would definitely think this was a 6 year old.  And if you only saw her tiny little body and tiny little frame you would still think it’s a 6 year old.  But don’t be fooled. This tiny lady with the tiny voice is actually a mother two two, presumably, little children. Meet Amanda.


[photo source]

She’s just like the tiniest adult I’ve ever seen.  I want to hear her yell.  Is it possible?

Most Likely To Stab A Fellow Contestant While They Are Sleeping

What an award!  The deserving lady is Lace. That’s her actual name.  Lace.  In case you are confused as to which chick she is, she wore a lace dress, as to not confuse Ben.


[photo source]

Oh Lace.  You seem like such a delight! My favorite kind of woman is the type who gets super drunk, acts majorly insecure, cries multiple times, sizes herself up against the competition and declares herself the prettiest, attempts to make out with a person upon first seeing them, gets upset when said person rejects them, gets more upset when said person doesn’t make enough eye contact, and generally acts like a psycho.  Love those types.  We heard the following gems from Lace:

  • I’m just sitting here judging everyone, because that’s the point, right?
  • Next.
  • I feel like there are some dumb ones.  I feel like there are some pretty ones.
  • That’s really BEEPING special.
  • I don’t think there is one girl so far that is competition.  I think I’m way prettier than everyone.  Like, you know.
  • She’s so fake.
  • Do my boobs look ok?
  • I am not going to let Becca get in my way tonightttt. I’m gonna get a roseeee. (slow your roll there Lace- your words are getting pretty sloppy).
  • I’m getting a rose tonight. (By way of murder?)
  • That b*tch. (an actual quote.  Mind you, these are all actual quotes.)
  • He hasn’t even looked me once in the eye. (But has he looked you in the eyes?)
  • Let’s be honest, who wants a BEEPING virgin? (I think quite a few people, actually. Or was that a rhetorical question?)
  • Do you even notice me? HELLO?! (no, I do not.  I refuse to).
  • If you want me to go home, just tell me to go home.  (GO HOME!)
  • You did not look at me once.  You would not look at me.  I watched you. (Creepy).

When Lace can no longer take the heat, she gets out of the kitchen and takes matters into her own hands.  It’s time to make out with Ben.  Seems completely appropriate. Ben decides not to follow in the footsteps of most hated Bachelor ever, Juan Pablo, and tells Lace not to listen to Rod Steward: tonight is not the night.  Lace vows to seek revenge for the rest. of. her. life. Black widow, you have met your match.

Most Likely To Tie Ben Up and Hold Him Against His Will

I might be getting this idea from a movie, namely, the Wedding Crashers, because this girl looks just like Isla Fisher!  Plus, we all know it’s Caila who is most likely to tie Ben up and hold him against his will.  Meet JoJo (unclear if she is a member of amazing duo K-Ci and JoJo).


[photo source]

JoJo wears a unicorn mask thing so Ben knows unicorns really do exist.  As do doppelgängers. Jojo actually seems fairly normal and pretty adorable.  This award is totally undeserving but for the fact that she looks like Isla Fisher.  I think she agrees – her bio indicates the Wedding Crashers is her favorite movie. Liar. We all know Shopaholic is your favorite Isla movie.

There are plenty of beautiful women for Ben to choose from– Olivia, Becca, Amber, Jubiliee, the adorable red-head he sent home who sadly calls herself Red Velvet, the girl who doesn’t speak English, etc.  How sad would you be if Ben chose a girl who didn’t speak a lick of English over you?

What do you guys think?  Excited for completely average Ben to be your Bachelor?  Is Lace getting a bad edit or is she really just that crazy? Does Ben floss daily?   Does every rose have its thorns?

IS THERE A SINGLE CONTESTANT OVER THE AGE OF 30?  Sigh.  Excuse me, I have some anti-aging eye cream I need to go administer.

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Off to plan my “fairy tale ending”

My dear readers.  I come to you with sad news.

Unfortunately I need to skip this season’s recaps due to my own fairy tale ending.  Ha.  Sorry to have made you throw up a little in your mouth.

But really, I’m getting married in August and simply can’t devote the requisite 10 hours a week to the train-wreck known as the Bachelorette.  That doesn’t mean I won’t be watching – I will for SURE watch.  And I might even try to do an abridged blog, like top 10 horrifying incidents from the show (Kupah anyone???).

So stand by.  I’ll be back with my full-blown blog as a newly-wed.  (I’m in the process of trying to get this televised – because all good things happen to those who televise their lives, duh!).  In the mean time, thanks so much for reading and thank you to ABC for continuing to find the most interesting people to cast on your one step away from Jerry Springer show.

Like a Virgin

Basically, I stink.  Worst blogger in the history of bloggers.  I’m so sorry for my major major delay AGAIN in posting.  I was still dealing with some personal things that precluded me from doing a recap of the overnight dates.  Oh and also, my hand is too sore to type from having to haul this new thing around:


That’s right.  I’ve accepted the final rose!  Now let’s start analyzing who might accept the Farmer’s final rose…

ABC has finally decided to spend a little money and take the remaining three women and Farmer, to Bali.  Megan is somewhere shaking her head that she’s not going to get a second stamp in her passport.  Farmer says that if he’s going to pop a Neil Lane on someone’s finger at the end of this journey, then he needs to make sure they are down for a little somethin’ somethin’ in the bedroom.  He uses the term “intimacy,” but we all know that translates to “somethin’ somethin’.”  Basically, Farmer is going for three for three.

One on One: Kaitlyn 

Kaitlyn gets to go first (lucky lady – how would you like to go third?  Ick.).  For the date, Kaitlyn picks out a pair of light pink shorts she borrowed from her 13-year-old sister.  She wraps her legs around Farmer when she greets him and we are moments away from needing a Jillian privacy box.  The two of them head into a sacred temple, where they aren’t allowed to kiss, and where multiple sarongs need to be wrapped round Kaitlyn, since she essentially left the hotel in her underwear.

They spend the rest of the date talking to locals, walking through the streets and letting monkeys crawl on top of Farmer’s head. At dinner, Kailtyn says she is going to let her guard down tonight.  Farmer is totally stoked.  He hands her the card, which still reads: “Welcome to the magical island of Bali.  I hope you are enjoying your stay.  Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.”  How weird is it that they still use the word fantasy?  Ew.  That grosses me out.  They both agree they “deserve,” this and head off to the fantasy suite, which includes a bath of rose petals.   She tells him she is falling in love with him and he says he’s falling in love with her.  Wowza!  Really?  Farmer, I don’t think you’re supposed to say that!

One on One: Whitney 

Farmer must like Whit a little more than Kaitlyn because he takes her on a beautiful boat ride with champagne.  Whit dwells on her hometown date and basically tells Farmer she hopes her sister didn’t ruin her chances of marriage.  Farmer tells Whit he respects her sister’s position but it doesn’t change anything.  He in confident when the time is right, sister will give Farmer her blessing.  They jump into the ocean, which looks cold and tumultuous, and talk about metaphors related to jumping and love.

At dinner, Farmer talks about Arlington and whether Whit could actually move there.  Whit tells Farmer that she would probably never choose to move to the middle of nowhere BUT she always felt like something was missing and wants marriage and children to complete her.  She says babies will be her career.  Well, babies are kind of all ready your career Whit…

Whit feels confident enough to move to Arlington and also to forgo her individual room key.  Luckily, ABC puts them in a clean room.

One on One: Becca 

Becca decides to wear really weird black rain repellant gym shorts on this date.  I don’t know why.  When in Bali. She knows today is the day she has to finally tell Farmer that she’s a virgin.  Meanwhile, Farmer is contemplating that he’s about to go three for three. Farmer and Becca explore the Bali countryside and make out in a river.  They meet with some Bali guru who gives Becca advice to make love tonight.  Becca literally has sweat beads pouring off her face.  Ten bucks says the guru works for ABC.

Becca and Farmer talk about Arlington and how small it is.  Becca says there’s no way in heck she’s moving to Arlington unless she’s really sure about Farmer.  She says she’s still sorting through her feelings for Farmer.  Honesty is not going to get you to the end Becca.  If you want to win this thing, then you tell him Arlington is everything you’ve ever dreamed of.  You can’t wait to sport the Iowa hairdo.

Farmer says it’s time to get to know each other on a “whole new level.”  Uh oh. Sorry Farmer, you will not gain carnal knowledge of Becca tonight.  Becca agrees to spend the night in the fantasy suite nicer hotel room than her own and break the news to Farmer.  She takes so long to tell him, I start to wonder if he is worried about her anatomy.  Finally she gets it out.  The V word.  Chris lets out a big sigh.  He was so close to winning 100 bucks from Harrison.  Farmer stumbles over his words and says it’s not easy to respond but that he respects that.  Then they make out.

Rose Ceremony 

In the morning, Farmer is confused.  How will he know if Becca is marriage material without knowing her intimately?  Also, she doesn’t want to move to Arlington.  Like, sup with that?

The girls are all dressed in their finest Bali-wear.  Farmer wears a karate uniform. Farmer does not know what to do and pulls Becca aside.  Kaitlyn and Whit start prematurely celebrating their impending move to Arlington.  Not so fast (Kaitlyn!).

They chit chat about Arlington more and Farmer tells Becca he really cares about her and is just trying to make a good decision.  Farmer brings Becca back to the rose ceremony.  Kaitlyn’s eyes bug out upon seeing Becca and she whispers an “oh shoot” under her breath.  And for good reason.  Whit is mad too. She says about Becca, “She’s young.  She lacks life experience and she’s not ready.”  Someone sounds threatened.

Becca and Whit are going home to Iowa.  Kaitlyn is taking the lonely plane ride back to Canada. Whit has a smug mug on when she sees Kaitlyn get rejected.  How are these the final two?  Boring and even more boring.

When Farmer says goodbye to Kaitlyn, she refuses to look him in the eyes.  As Farmer hugs her, we can hear his pounding heart.  I hope they have an ABC medic near; that is a racing heart!  She replays the fantasy date night in her head and definitely wishes she was a virgin in this moment.  A rooster crows in the middle of Chris’ explanation, which consisted of a series of “I don’t knows.”  Another rooster crows, signaling it’s time for Kaitlyn to get in the rejection van.

Farmer is left contemplating his fate with the sweatiest arm pits I’ve ever seen.  Someone get this man a towel. And a new shirt.

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Mom, Don’t Google my Wife

Five hours.  I spent five hours of my life watching last week’s episodes of the Bachelor.  And then one of my sisters hadn’t seen some of the show so I watched three more hours for a second time.   The word you’re looking for to describe me is “pathetic.”

But, faithful readers, I have a slight issue.  I just don’t think I can fully recap five hours worth of TV before the next episode airs tonight.  You see, I’ve had a busy busy week.  Life got in the way and I simply ran out of time.  And I might have bronchitis.  Or maybe I just had a little too grand of a time in New Orleans last week.  Either way, I  left New Orleans with 137 pounds of beads, a wicked cold, half my lung function, and a very squished King Cake.

So let’s talk as quickly as I can about the five hours of your life you’ll never get back.

Hour One: The Interviews 

Black Widow is still half a bubble off plumb.  I read an interview with Kardashley and Kardashley said Black Widow told her the following:

I didn’t get the autopsy back for two months, so for two months I was worried that I fed him something wrong.

You guys.  Come on.  I am more convinced than ever that Kelsey will end up on Dateline one of these days.

Farmer said nothing interesting in his interview.

Andi came on to sob on camera about her heartbreak over Josh.  I was totally focused on Andi’s face – did anyone else think it looked like it was made of plastic?  Botox?  It didn’t move!  Do you guys think she’s trying to make a second run at the Bachelorette?

Hours Two and Three: Deadwood to Dead Iowa

When the show resumed, the group was still in Deadwood (if you recall, Farmer had just left Black Widow and Kardashley in the Badlands).  Farmer isn’t done dumping women quite yet though.  He returns to the remaining women and sends Megan home.  Probably a good idea.  I hope she has her passport.

Farmer tells the girls that he wants to take them to a place near and dear to his heart: Iowa.  The girls all hoot and holler.  If I were on this show I’d be like wait, really?  We are leaving South Dakota and headed to Iowa?  How did I end up on the season where the exotic dates take place in Des Moines?  Where are the trips to Thailand?  And Lake Louise?

Jade gets the first one on one date and heads to Arlington, Farmer’s home town.  He thinks Jade will fit in well there because she’s from a small Nebraska town and has those wholesome small town values.  Like getting naked for Playboy.  Jade gets a tour of deserted Arlington, sees Farmer’s Bachelor pad (it’s a nice Bachelor pad, at least) and then attends the local high school football game.  Then she gets a tour of Farmer’s high school because, well, it’s Arlington and there’s nothing left to see.

Whit Whit gets the second one-on-one date.  The two of them traipse around Des Moines taking pictures of each other.  And that’s all that happens.  Whitney gets to meet Farmer’s three best friends and they all seem to have a grand time.  And this is why watching peoples every day lives is completely boring.  Nothing about this date was exciting but it was completely normal.  Guess what ABC, normal does not make ratings.  Bring back Black Widow!

Meanwhile, back at the Des Moines Holiday Inn, Carly, Britt, Becca and Kaitlyn are all discussing Arlington.  Then the ABC producers suggest it occurs to one of them that they should rent a car and drive to Arlington. ” Like, we’ll all go.  Road trip!”  Name the movie!

The girls cruise down I-80, stopping to take pictures at the Worlds Largest Truck Stop and giggle and scream when they see the sign marking the spot for Arlington.  But then they realize the sign WAS Arlington.  They blow through “downtown” and suddenly realize that the abandoned filling station WAS downtown.  Britt can’t even.  They find the local pastor, who happens to be on his front porch shucking corn and singing hymns and ask him where they can drink tequila around these parts.  Pastor tells him they have to drive beyond the corn rows to find tequila, dinner, and movies.  I’m half expecting Professor Harold Hill to appear with a suitcase full of musical instruments.

Alas, the girls return to the big city and Britt suddenly had a change of heart.  She CAN live in Arlington because she’s seen the sun set there.  And since the sun sets in Arlington, it can’t be that bad.  Carly is not having any of this.  She thinks Britt is fake and she’s had enough – she plans to tell Farmer as soon as she can.  Meanwhile, Jade pulls Carly aside to confide about her nude modeling past and asks if Carly thinks Farmer will be into that.  Carly’s eyebrows, although permanently surprised looking, manage to become more arched.  Carly tells the camera, “hey mom, don’t google my wife!”

Later, Britt, Carly and Kaitlyn head to a rink to play some hockey.  Carly takes this opportunity to tell Farmer that Britt is a big fat phony and that just because she’s pretty doesn’t mean she should always get her way.  Farmer is stunned to learn that Britt didn’t LOVE Arlington because 10 seconds ago Britt was just raving to Farmer about how she could totally picture herself chasing her children through the corn fields and rocking on the front porch each night.

Kaitlyn gets the group date rose and Britt starts to unravel.  She legit loses it.  In front of Carly, and rose-receiver Kaitlyn, Britt basically says to Farmer why the BEEP would you give the rose to that chick when I’m sitting right here. Then she pretty much says, no offense Kaitlyn, but really, like I’m here and I’m obviously like way prettier than you and like, Farmer always gives me the rose.  Why would you validate her feelings and not mine?  I. AM. THE. ONLY. ONE. WHO. MATTERS.

Hours Four and Five: Dead Iowa to Hometown Dates

Yes, seriously.  Hours four and five.  Why did we do this to ourselves?  Amazingly enough, my boyfriend sat through the entire FIVE HOURS because he couldn’t really make a scene about it in front of my sister. Ha!

Becca receives the last one on one date in Des Moines.  It’s boring.  Like her.  But I like her yellow shirt!  Next!

At the hotel, Britt tells the girls she is going to send herself home.  She just can’t be with someone who doesn’t validate her and gives roses to Kaitlyn over herself.  Carly rolls her eyes, sighs and questions Britt.  Britt says there’s probably nothing Farmer can say to get her to stay.  Kaitlyn says Britt probably wants to see if Farmer will fight for her, otherwise she’s leaving first.

It’s time for the cocktail party except right when the girls are ready to get their drink on the Almighty Chris pops in to say Farmer knows what he wants to do and thus a cocktail party is not necessary.  Britt starts to panic.  She was going to tell Farmer she was leaving during the drink hour!  As soon as Farmer appears with the roses she pulls him aside and reiterates her love for the farm life.  Farmer isn’t buying it and tells her basically he knows she’s faking it.  And he doesn’t want a wife like this. Britt cries pretty tears in the driveway while Carly gleefully tells the camera that this is what happens to normal girls.  And then Carly is sent home.

It’s time for hometown dates!  Becca is up first. Farmer goes to visit her perfect little family in Louisiana.  Boring day.  Becca is a virgin blah blah blah.

Next, Farmer heads to Chicago to visit Whitney’s family.  Whitney tries to test Farmer’s little swimmers.  She takes him to a room where he can make his deposit.  As he sits down to sift through the pile of Playboys he’s stunned when he sees Jade!  Whitney reassures Farmer that she’s never once posed nude and is safe to google.  Farmer asks Whitney’s sister for permission to marry Whitney and sister basically says eh I don’t think so.  Whitney is crushed but Farmer doesn’t seem too fazed.  Anyone else notice he didn’t seek permission from any of the other girls’ families?

Farmer goes to visit the Canadian next in Phoenix, because, as I said, this season is the USA version and there is simply no international traveling.  Canadian makes Farmer rap, which I’m totally over.  Blah blah blah.  Boring.

And finally, Farmer heads to nowhere Nebraska to visit wholesome Jade.  Jade is proud that her town is 10 times bigger than Arlington.  Jades’s brothers call her a wild mustang and Jade’s dad tells Farmer Jade is totally out of control and he has no idea.  Farmer tells Jade’s dad he likes Jade because of her values.  Dad stares blankly.  Jade decides that she needs to tell Farmer ASAP about her naked past before he takes to google himself.  Back at the local Super 8, Jade tells Farmer that she did some nude modeling and then asks if she can show him the photos.  Oh AND a video.  Farmer doesn’t know where to look and is beyond awkward yet hopeful that he can re-google all of this later in private.  Jade is pleased.

But then Jade is eliminated because as Carly said, “mom, don’t google my wife.”

This week we have the fantasy suite dates!  Woohoo!

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I Know What You Did

1.   sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behavior.
      “she fell to the floor in panic”

       synonyms: alarm, anxiety, nervousness, fear, fright, trepidation, dread, terror, agitation, hysteria, consternation,
perturbation, dismay, apprehension.

Panic.  It’s where the Bachelor left us last week and where we start off episode six.



informal adjective

1.   not genuine; fraudulent; black widow.

“I thought your panic attack was a bit phony”    

synonyms: bogus, false, fake, fraudulent, spurious; Kelsey.

Phony.  It’s also where episode six begins.  To be more precise, there’s a phony pile of panic attack laying on the floor outside the bathroom in the form of Kelsey.  Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey.  We’ve seen a lot colorful characters roam the rose-lined halls of Bachelor High but we’ve never seen anyone quite like you.  As the Canadian said, “bitches be crazy.”

Rewind to last week.  Kelsey becomes nervous after Farmer unexpectedly cancels the rose ceremony.  She decides her dead husband story was not the nail in the coffin she had hoped it would be to secure her the rose.  And drastic times call for drastic measures.  Thus, Kelsey falls to the floor outside the bathroom in a perfect heap, her legs firmly together.  When she gets herself positioned just so, she starts emitting the most pitiful sounds.  Not quite a cry, not quite a hyperventilation.  The medic arrives and Kelsey tells the medic the only thing that will stop the panic is Farmer.  She tells the medic that after this she better get a rose tonight, in fact she better get the whole bunch.  As she laughs.  Funny how jovial you can be in the midst of a major panic attack.

Kelsey rejoins the other ladies after she’s decided to stop having a panic attack, where the girls are less than believing.  Ashley summed it up best, “total phony-baloney.”  When all is said and done, Kelsey tells the camera that the one feeling she can express today is “how happy” she is.  The feeling I’m feeling right now is fear.   She’s the black widow, baby.

Because Black Widow’s “episode” spanned two episodes, we go straight to the rose ceremony that should have happened last week.  Mackenzie and some chick you’ve never seen before in your life get sent home.  Next stop?  Deadwood, South Dakota!

I actually love South Dakota.  Such a fun state – so beautiful and so many cool things to see!

One on One: Becca – Let’s Give Love a Shot

Black Widow is not happy.  She says this is not ok.  She didn’t go through all that acting just to lose out on the one on one date.  Watch your back Farmer.

Farmer and Becca head into the country-side on horseback.  But the real drama is back in the hotel room where Carly and some other ladies decide it’s time to confront the Black Widow about her wily ways.  Here’s how the conversation went down:

  • Whitney: *High voice* Ok, so.  I just need tahhh beh open about my feelin’s.  At the rose ceremony you were laughin’.  An’ I thought how can she be so lighthearted about all this right nah?
  • Kelsey: *Feigning confusion and innocence* I didn’t start laughing.
  • Carly:  Yes you did, YOU PSYCHO.
  • Kelsey: I did?
  • Whitney: You got sick in the bathroom. And then you said you better get a rose.
  • Kelsey: Laughter.
  • Kelsey: I overcame a significant emotional hurdle.  Because you know, I’m widowed.  And I have fake tears in my eyes because I think it makes me more convincing.  I’ve never had a panic attack in my entire life.  *Whispering for dramatic effect* It was terrifying.
  • Carly:  You’re a psycho.  Farmer doesn’t see this side of you. You are not nice and make sly comments.
  • Kelsey: I have so much respect and admiration and I just genuinely like you guys.  I’m glad we had this conversation.  I’ll do my best to be mindful.

After, Kelsey tells the camera, “I get it.  I am blessed with eloquence.  And I’m articulate.  And I use a lot of big words because I’m smart.”

Has anyone ever heard Kelsey use “big” words?  Do eloquence and articulate count?

But I digress.  There is a really boring date to get back to.  Becca and Farmer talk about their five year plan and it’s definitely better than when Farmer asked the body builder that question.  Rose and first kiss for Becca.

Back at the Deadwood Suites, the group date card arrives.  That means that the other date is the dreaded two-on-one date.   And who better to go on that date than Black Widow v. Kardashley.   Kardashley is excited because she says she’s going to kick some Black Widow booty.  Black Widow is excited because she’s going to use either poison or black magic to win this round.

Group  Date: Let’s Make Sweet Music

The girls are joined by country group Big & Rich to compose songs to perform for Farmer.  Jade is paralyzed with fear.  It’s much easier posing nude (Jade posed with nothin’ but her birthday suit on for Playboy).  Whitney and Megan are totally excited because they are Southern gals and love country music.  Britt is unfamiliar with the duo but likes the idea of Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.

Jade Tells Big (or maybe Rich) that she’s on the struggle bus and feels stupid.  He suggests she get naked but when she says no, he decides making her run down the streets of Deadwood is the next best thing.  Jade’s fears are overcome. PS – I’m now secretly loving Big & Rich.  They seem like such sweet guys!

Meanwhile, Britt and Farmer hang all over each other and make out while the other girls look on with rage and jealousy pumping through their veins.  Britt doesn’t know why everyone is mad at her – she’s just testing out her song lyrics, “save a horse, ride a farm boy.”

Performance time.  Here’s a recap:

  • Farmer: *Chugs beer* I’m on ahhhhh journey to find my wifffffffe. Baby come home with me. Corn rows.
  • Britt:  *Moving to the beat/ Raspy voice* I wanna hear that sweet sweet music.  Don’t let me down.
  • Whitney: *Higher octave than her normal voice – didn’t know it was possible* windows break.
  • Canadian: Swearing and rapping. Obviously.
  • Megan: Surprisingly good voice.  Something about being speechless.  Does that explain why she seems like such an airhead?
  • Carly: *Professional singer* goes for gold by making Farmer sit next to her while she serenades him.
  • Jade: *For some reason this is sung in Whitney’s octave* more glass shattering.

Farmer decides he’d rather spend the rest of the night alone making out with Britt without the glaring judgmental eyes of the other ladies, so Britt and Farmer take off running to escape prying eyes.  They find themselves on stage at the Big & Rich concert, making out on stage.  Rose for Britt.  Meanwhile, the rest of the girls on this “date” are left to stew alone on the couch, wondering where their “boyfriend” went.  When Britt and Farmer finally take their tongues out of each other’s mouths and return to the group, they are met with icy stares, silence and tears.  Farmer excuses himself and leaves Britt to deal with the death stares.

Two-on-One Date: Crazy v. Crazier 

Ashley v. Kelsey.  Kardashley v. Black Widow.  Immature v. Scary.  What do you think?  Who is better for Farmer?  Virgin?  Or the one who KNOWS what it’s like to be a wife?

The trio takes a very long, mostly silent, and excruciatingly awkward helicopter ride to the Badlands.  As soon as Kardashley gets Farmer alone, she relies on her only trick up her sleeve: sloppily making out with him.  Farmer pries Kardashley off of him so he can get the scoop on Kelsey.  He wants to know if she’s as whacked out as he fears.  Kardashley tells Farmer, Black Widow doesn’t gel with the rest of the group.  Because she’s diagnosed as a sociopath on the DSM.

With that information, Farmer pulls Kelsey aside to throw Kardashley under the bus.  It went something like this:

  • Farmer: Kardashley says you’re the black widow.  Nobody likes you.  Sup with that?
  • Kelsey:  I am prepared to be a wife because I’ve been one.  I know how to be a wife.  The question is do you want me to be YOUR wife?
  • Farmer: Um, no.  You terrify me.  I want my wife to be able to handle social situations well.  Someone who people want to be around.  Kardashley says you are fake. That scares me.
  • Kelsey: Maniacal laughter.  I am SO HURT.  I considered Kardashley my BEST FRIEND FOREVER.  I don’t know what else to say.  I am just being myself (scary thought).  I’m not lost in this world of roses and Harrison.  This is my choice. I would hate for you to let go of all of the potential between us because of “girl talk.”

Black Widow tells the camera, “I just got thrown under the bus.  That is HURTFUL.   HURTFUL.  She’s a Kardashian wanna-be who didn’t get to go on her princess date.  Who has WAY TOO MUCH MAKEUP on to be genuine.  I am a WOMAN. She thinks she’s playing a game but I’m not.”

And then the scariest thing EVER happens.  Black Widow comes back to some random bed plopped down in the middle of the Badlands to stare down Kardashley.  After what seems like an hour, Black Widow says, “I know what you did.  And I do not appreciate it.”  In the most terrifying tone I’ve ever heard.  Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.



Kardashley came back with the best lines ever though.  In fact, I officially love Kardashley after she stands up to Kelsey’s bullying.  She says, “Just because I don’t use as many big words as you doesn’t mean I’m not as smart.  Sorry I’m not from pleasantville, I’m from friggin’ 2014.  You and I both have our masters, and I have it from a good place.  And if you don’t think I’m intelligent to see through you, you’re friggin’ hilarious.”  Lots of friggin’s, but Girl’s from Jersey so I’m going to let that slide.

Kardashley storms off to find Farmer to give him an ear full.  And I don’t blame her.  What a jerk for soliciting her opinion of Kelsey and then TELLING Kelsey what Kardashley said about her.  Wrong Farmer, wrong.  I wish Kardashley would have told Farmer she was leaving but instead Farmer dumps her first.

Farmer tells Kardashley that the Five ‘n Dime General Store in the next town over only gets five pairs of fake eyelashes in a year and it’s usually around Halloween.  He just doesn’t see her living in Iowa given her propensity for all things princess.  Kardashley responds with another apropos zinger, “Oh and you think that Britt wants that lifestyle?  Seriously?”  Touché, Princess, touché.

Black Widow becomes smug when she thinks she got the rose, only to quickly realize Farmer is sending her packing too.  When Kelsey’s luggage gets whisked away at the hotel, the girls seriously start screaming, hollering, poppin’ bottles and dancing.  I’ve never seen a more jovial group of ladies.

I’m a little sad to see Kardashley go – she entertained me in a good way.  Kelsey on the other hand, good riddance.  What do you guys think?  Is Kelsey the black widow?  Is she really that manipulative and conniving? This week we get TWO episodes!

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Isn’t My Story Amazing?

Oh boy.  This week.  Where do I even start?  Do we talk about Kelsey’s sociopathic tendencies?  Do we conduct a geography lesson for Megan, who is beyond excited to “leave the country” for the first time ever and head to New Mexico?  Do we discuss  Britt’s hygiene habits?  So much to talk about, so little time.  Let’s start in Santa Fe, New Mexico.  Get your passports handy.

The plane touches down in New Mexico and Megan is surprised and disappointed that for some reason she doesn’t need to convert her dollars to pesos.  She remains hopeful though that the locals will all wear sombreros.

One on One Date: Carly- Let’s Come Together 

Oye.  This date.  One of the most awkward dates I’ve ever watched.  PS, did you guys know Carly is Zak’s sister from Des’ season?  Zak made it to the final four (to jog your memory, he was always taking his clothes off.  Seems like Carly has a little more restrain than her brother).


{photo source: https://thebigkibitz.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/bachelorette-zak-w-desiree.png}

Did anyone notice Carly’s adorable silver feather earrings?  So fun! Looks like the girls did some Southwest shopping.

Carly and Farmer head to their date, which will be led by some mediating Kama Sutra love guru.  The guru tells Farmer and Carly that she wants to bring more juiciness into the relationship.  I mean, do they need to make things more juicy for a first date?

The guru has the couple change into some white linen outfits, which make obtaining juiciness more feasible.  She also burns sage and makes them inhale it until they are high.  Farmer is optimistic but also concerned as to “how weird this is going to get.”

And weird it gets.

Carly blindfolds Farmer and is instructed to breathe all over him.  Carly requests some mouthwash and apologizes to Farmer for all the garlic she ate last night.  Then she proceeds to run chocolate all over Farmer’s lips.  If this isn’t sexy, I don’t know what is:


{photo source: https://noshameonlypride.wordpress.com}

As if this couldn’t be any more awkward, guru tells the couple that they will now derobe each other.  When it’s time to take Farmer’s pants off, Carly has had enough.  She tells him she’s really uncomfortable and isn’t ready to take his pants off in front of guru and all of the cameras.  Farmer is relieved too because he accidentally put on his Sunday undies, which have a hole in them.  As punishment for their failure to remove all their clothes, guru makes Carly straddle Farmer and breathe directly into his mouth and nose for five minutes straight.

Back at the Mexican hotel, Kelsey is sitting around with some of the girls when they started asking about the death of Kelsey’s husband.  Kesley nonchalantly tells them, “he collapsed, he died.”  Then, she had a hard time recalling the medical term for his heart failure.  To quote Kelsey, “umm…what’s it called?  It’s called congestive heart failure.”  She concludes with “and darlin’ that is life.”  Is this chick for real?  You had to think about what he died from?  How is that NOT automatic?  You couldn’t even muster up one tear?  Darlin’ that is life?  It was like a mother explaining the death of a bug to her toddler.  Yes, it’s true, that’s life, but THIS. IS. NOT. NORMAL.

On the date, Carly tells Farmer she has not been intimate with someone for a year and a half.  Then she tells him her last boyfriend would not touch her and they did not have a physical relationship.  Farmer offers to have sex with her so long as she doesn’t judge the hole in his undies.  Rose for Carly.

Group Date: I’m Rapidly Falling in Love

The girls head with Farmer to do some whitewater rafting on the Rio Grande.  I’ve never been whitewater rafting but it’s on my list.  Well that is until I saw Jade get hurled from the raft into the rapids.

But Jade played it well.  She needed Farmer to rub her feet to keep her from getting hypothermic. All the girls are jealous of Jade’s blue extremities and contemplate propelling themselves into the freezing cold rapids.

The girls change out of their sporty apparel in exchange for their cocktail dresses.  Or in Kardashley’s case, her finest figure skating costume that she wore for her long program in middle school.  PS, how great is the nickname Kardashley?  Thank you to one fine reader for that clever name!

As Farmer heads to the cocktail party, he is intercepted by former contestant Jordan.  Who’s that you ask?  Jordan was the student from Colorado who was more interested in Jack, Jose, and Johnny than she was in Farmer.  Girl liked to drink.  Jordan drove from Colorado to New Mexico to tell Farmer she’s joined AA and as such, she needs to make amends.  Farmer offers Jordan the chance to feed her to the group of piranhas, who want nothing more than to eat Jordan alive.  Also, the producers told Farmer to let her stay to increase the  level of drama.  Plus, wow, did you see the makeover they gave her?  She looked like a new person!

The girls take Farmer aside and one by one tell him why Jordan is not right for him:

  • Kardashley: I mean, she like, drinks like, a lot.  And like, I don’t think she’s wife material.  I’m wife material.  I’m a princess and wives like, always, wear fake eyelashes and a weave.  And I’m like, way more, mature than, like her.
  • Megan: It’s like crazy.
  • Kelsey: Redemption is a beautiful thing. [Insert evil laughter].

Kardashley starts to lose it.  She tells the girls that Jordan blew her chance (actually, I think she drank her chance) and there are no second chances when it comes to the Bachelor.  Because you know, in life, there are NO SECOND CHANCES.  Said nobody ever.  Kardashley decides that the best approach is the middle school approach: be mean to Jordan at every opportunity.  Any girl who DARES speak kindly to Jordan is out of the Eyelash Club. FOR.EVER.  Whitney tells Kardashley she doesn’t want to be in the club because her momma taught her to treat others how you want to be treated.  Whit tells that camera that Farmer does not want a mean girl as a wife.  I agree with that statement.

Back at the hotel, Britt receives the second one-on-one date card and starts to cry.  She’s scared of heights and her date involves some sort of height thing.  Britt, you gotta lie on the “fear” section of your application!  Tell them you are scared of shopping!  And getting massages!  But never admit your true fears!

Farmer decides it’s time to tell Jordan she needs to leave.  ABC has gotten the footage they need to make this episode interesting and now he’s contractually free to do what he wants to Jordan.  Jordan returns to the girls where they abruptly put down the knives they were shoving in Jordan’s proverbial back to whisper in her ear “I’ll always admire you” (I’m looking at you Kelsey) as they shove her out the door.  Insecure Kardashley does all she can to resist yelling, “don’t let the door hit you in the rear on your way out!”

Farmer gives the group date rose to Whitney.  Kardashley can barely contain her rage.  How dare Whitney receive the rose when she refused to be part of the Be Mean to Jordan Club!  Kardashley tells the camera that she can’t believe Whit got the rose, when earlier on the date she looked at Whitney and thought, “I don’t really have to worry about… that.”  Tears start to form and Kardashley excuses herself so she can bad-mouth Whitney more thoroughly.  Kard tells her only friend, Mackenzie, “I just think she’s fake as BEEP.  I just see him with a girl who’s super real.”  Mack, in another insightful moment, tells Kard, “I just don’t think you like her.”  Touché.

One on One Britt

Here’s what we are about to learn about Britt:  1) She sleeps with make-up on every night; 2) She doesn’t shower; 3) She doesn’t want to get married or have children; 4) She’s a unicorn.

Ok so not all of that information is factual.  Farmer shows up in the girls’ hotel room to wake up Britt at 4:30 AM for her date.  Britt follows the Boy Scouts of America motto, “always be prepared,” and as such she chooses to sleep in a full face of make-up every night.  Just in case.  Including glittery eye shadow.  And lip gloss.

I guess I don’t judge Britt for wearing make-up at all times when you’re going to be on national television.  I would probably do the same.  One time I was not wearing make-up (amongst other issues including a lack of sleep, disheveled hair, and a hoodie) and I was out in public.  My mom looked at me and said, “I’ve never seen you look so awful!”  While most people would be offended, we just laughed and laughed because, well, it was true!  It was not my finest moment.  If I were on this show, I would want to avoid hearing my mother or anyone else’s mother say, “wow she should put some makeup on, look how bad she looks!”

Farmer takes Britt to a hot air balloon for a ride.  Man, I’m jealous of this too.  So fun!  Also, for some reason, Britt’s paralyzing phobia of heights is somehow magically assuaged just by Farmer’s presence.  Naturally.

Back at the hotel, the girls take to doing what they do best: badmouthing their competition.  The girls start talking about Britt’s hygiene and claim that she has yet to take a shower on the show.  Or doesn’t shower very frequently.  I’m not buying it.  Britt’s hair is SO clean and flowy and beautiful.  Maybe she can go a week between washes, but who cares?  I’d love it if I only had to wash my hair once a week!  Plus, science says that soap is actually not good for your skin and it’s better to just rinse.  Girl is just being healthy.

Meanwhile, back on the date, Farmer takes Britt back to his hotel, where according to Britt, they take a nap.  Britt tells Farmer she wants a hundred kids (potential hyperbole, I hope) but Kardashley is back at the hotel spreading rumors that Britt wants to remain single and does not want children.  Kardashley seems like such a reliable source.  Definitely believe everything that comes out of her mouth.

Britt returns from the date and mistakenly tells the girls that she just spent the afternoon in Farmer’s bed.  Taking a nap.  Wink face.

Kelsey realizes her time on the Bachelor is rapidly coming to an end so what a better time than now to manipulate Farmer.  What works best for manipulation?  Tales about your dead husband!  Kelsey shows up unannounced in Farmer’s hotel room and relays her “amazing” story to Farmer.  She tries to produce a few crocodile tears but fails to get any to actually roll down her cheeks.  While Farmer tries to process this information, Kelsey uses this as an opportunity to make out with Farmer.  I mean why not.  Dead husbands are GREAT pick up material.  Ick.

She gleefully tells the camera, “I’m just… ahh… isn’t my story amazing?  It’s tragic, but it’s amazing.”


{photo source: https://us.beamly.com/exclusives/2015/02/03/kelsey-makes-move-bachelor-work/}

She seriously said this.  With a massive smile on her face.  On camera.  To the world.  I was honestly scared of Kelsey in this moment.  Something is really wrong here.  I’ve considered editing yet I cannot believe under what circumstance that statement would be ok.  She concludes with, “I love my story.”  Oh and something about how this is her love story and tune in on Mondays at 8:00 PM to watch it unfold.  Do you think there was an emergency school board meeting about Kelsey’s employment status as a guidance counselor as soon as this episode aired?  I mean, my child would NOT be allowed to seek Kelsey out for any reason.

The Cocktail Party that Wasn’t

Farmer shows up at the cocktail party rattled by his recent conversation with Kelsey.  He has to end the conversation mid-sentence as he starts to cry.  Kelsey sticks another pin into her voodoo doll.

The Almighty Chris comes in to tell the girls that Farmer is extremely emotional and does not want to have a cocktail party.  Kelsey’s rose-receiving confidence starts to waver and she starts calculating plan b: a panic attack.  Guys, I’m just not buying it!  Kelsey goes from laughing about her shoes and how she’s sad to say goodbye to someone tonight because someone will be sent home (but not her) to lying on the floor sobbing.

And that’s curtain call.

What do you guys think?  What’s Kelsey’s deal?  Is she misunderstood?  Is she a psychopath?  Is she an actress?  What is this?!

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Her Mouth is Not a Virgin

It’s week four, which means Farmer is one step closer to finding his milkmaid! The Almighty Chris greets us sans Jimmy Kimmel to tell the girls that this week Chris’ three older sisters will pick out his date for the one-on-one.  He also deposits a group date card on the coffee table, thus eliminating half the group from meeting the sisters and winning the coveted one-on-one date.

Group Date: Let’s do What Feels Natural 

The girls on the group date card start to freak out.  Does he mean they can’t wear makeup?  Kardashian Ashley is worried that her weave doesn’t look natural but Mackenzie ensures her it looks completely real.  Kelsey laughs like a hyena because these girls are anything but natural.  She’s confident she’s the only natural one in the house (as they show a shot of her STEAMING her tube top). Man oh man.

Chris takes the girls to a lake to see how they enjoy the great outdoors.  Some enjoy it a little too much, and some enjoy it not at all.

The virgin enjoys it too much.  She tells the camera she is too shy around Chris.  Her solution is to jump into the lake topless.  That will send the right virginal message.

photo 1

Kaitlyn sees this and thinks, wow Kardashian, great move.  I’m going to take my bottoms off!

photo 3

And Chris is thinking this is better than Iowa City after a Hawkeyes win!

photo 2

Kesley is indignant.  “This is a date made for bimbos,” she says.  Half of me wants to agree with her but the other half of me recalls a time on my parents’ boat when I took my bikini top off and swung it around in the air and then the boat police pulled us over.  Don’t freak out, I had on a towel!

Back at the mansion, the girls are sunbathing when Farmer’s sisters appear.  Muscles is passed out in the pool and is a hot mess when she wakes up.  The sisters meet individually with each girl to determine who is the best fit for Chris.  Here’s a recap:

Whitney: ****extremely high voice*** Giggles.  I’m mooovin’ to I-a-wahh y’all!

Brit: Not to be conceited but, yeah, I’m the front-runner.  Seriously.

Muscles: Do they have free weights on the farm?  I bet I could tip a cow with my pinky.

Carly the Cruise Singer: Nobody ever loves me.  Cries.

Jade: I’m from Nebraska.

With those three magic words, the sisters have their decision made.  Nebraska, Nebraska, I love ya.

Back at the lake, Kelsey is still annoyed.  She said her face hurts from fake smiling. She calls the lake a hell hole and wants to stab herself in the eye with a fork.  Naturally.  Luckily a bee comes along to sting her, which is the next best thing.

Chris announces the date isn’t ending any time soon because they are going to camp.  The campers are assigned two to a tent and are instructed to put up their own tent.  Virgin Kardashian and Mother of Kale are assigned to a tent together but can’t get it assembled.  Mackenzie tells Kardashian to make the sticks straight and stick them in the holes.  And then she laughs and laughs.  Because, you guys, she’s 21.  Kardashian doesn’t get it, because, you guys, she’s a virgin.  In case you forgot.

As the girls get cozy around the fake fire (did anyone notice the totally fake logs?), someone comments that they are the luckiest girls in America to which Kelsey responds with “really?”  Kesley continues to pout around the fire until Chris arrives to whisk her away.  Suddenly she’s giggly, smily, and so happy.  And so fake.  Bleh.  I used to like her but after listening to her laugh, not so much.

Things deteriorate around the fire as whiskey flows freely.  Crazy Ashley is singing, Mackenzie starts talking about aliens again, someone gets the hiccups, and Kelsey remains annoyed.

Kardashian Ashley pulls Chris aside to tell him that she gets nervous around him and it feels like she has a unibrow and a lunchbox.  Or something like that.

Group date rose goes to skinny-dipper Kaitlyn.

Virgin Kardashian decides she needs to take matters into her own hands and crawls into Farmer’s tent because she needs to tell him she’s a virgin. Here’s how the late-night convo went down:

  • Kardashian: I am freaking innocent.  I’ve never even had a boyfriend before.
  • Farmer:  I think you’re well-rounded.  And I like that you took your top off today.
  • Kardashian: Inside I’m a freaking nerd and inexperienced in every way possible.
  • Me: That explains the awful kissing.
  • Farmer: I think I get it.  But I’m kind of drunk and I was asleep.  Do you want to make out?
  • Kardashian: I just want you to get me. You can probe at that area later.  (Interesting choice of words, Ash).

One on One Date: Jade – Something about Princesses 

Kardashian Ashley is livid.  She says she was made for a princess date.  News flash Ash, princesses, cinderella, ball gowns, etc, do not a farmer’s wife make.

Some eccentric types come to the mansion to give Jade her cinderella makeover.  Ashley is green with envy.  The only time I felt mildly jealous was when they pulled out a pair of Louboutin’s and told Jade she could keep them.  One time I tried on a pair and it was love at first sight.  There were only four pairs made (including the ones on my feet).  It was a magical day.


Hello, gorgeous.

They also give Jade a pair of Neil Lane earrings, which she can also keep.  For some reason everyone makes a bigger deal out of the earrings.  Wrong guys, just wrong.  Then they make Jade watch a clip from the new Cinderella and I’m reminded why this show is so stupid.

Off Jade goes on her Cinderella date. Super boring.  The only thing memorable was the attempt to cover up Jade’s nasty massive back tattoo with makeup.  Cinderella doesn’t have tats.

Someone posted this today on Facebook and it made me laugh.  Totally appropriate for this date:


Ash is so mad about the date, so she puts on her own princess gown and eats some corn on the cob. Ok.

When the date ends, ABC makes Jade continue this stupid Cinderella charade and makes her RUN down the stairs as the bell strikes Midnight.  Ugh.

Group Date: Trash Your Dress 

Muscle Jillian, Whitney, Brit, Becca, some girl I’ve never seen before and Carly all receive wedding dresses and are instructed to wear them for the date.  A private plane flies the girls to San Fran where they are joined by Farmer clad in a tux. He takes them to a mud run.

Muscles takes a cue out of Beefcake’s page, kisses her biceps, grunts and downs a protein shake.  She’s going to DOMINATE this. Jillian finishes the race before the other girls get through the first obstacle.  Blue ribbon winner, Jillian, gets to spend the remainder of the date with Farmer where she subsequently blows her chance.

Farmer takes Jill to a romantic rooftop dinner.  Here’s how their convo went:

  • Farmer:  Where do you see yourself in five years?
  • Jillian:  I don’t know.  But probably winning body building contests.  And hopefully developing my own line of creatine. I can’t tell you where I’ll be in five years because I don’t BEEEEEEEEEPING KNOW.  I used to not have a life so I started training myself.  Then I started winning all these shows and I have a sponsorship.  It’s really weird because my mom was like a weight builder too.
  • Farmer:  Silence.
  • Jillian: I’m good at this.
  • Farmer: He tells the camera he zones out and starts thinking about unicorns.
  • Jillian: I’m a super big daddy’s girl.  He has a dirty sense of humor (ok, creepy).  Would you rather have sex with a homeless girl and you don’t know what she has and this b**** is talking to her reflection, bird in her hair, the whole nine?  Or abstain from sex for five years? (This is an exact quote).
  • Farmer: Silence.

Farmer realizes Muscles is not the kind of girl he wants to bring home to the farm.  Sure she’d be able to do most of the manual labor but he realizes he doesn’t want his dinner conversations to be about sex with homeless people.  No rose for Jillian.

Rose Ceremony 

The theme of this episode is obviously Kardashian Ashley’s virginity.  She decides Farmer didn’t understand the conversation so she give it to him straight: she’s a virgin.  Chris tells her he respects that and thinks it’s great.  He admires her more.  Ashley doesn’t get this vibe and starts to freak out.  She is upset because he doesn’t kiss her and she says, “I don’t want him to respect me that much.”  Girl, he’s probably not kissing you because it grosses him out.

Insecurity gets the best of Ash and she cries uncontrollably on the stairs.  Eventually she tells the girls in the living room and everyone is stunned.  Carly summed it up best, “I’ve seen her make out with Chris like a million times.  Her mouth is not a virgin.”  Sweet little Becca chimes in that she’s a virgin too.

Say what?  I need to rewind.  Becca is a virgin too.  Ashley, please, take note of Becca.  Her behavior is the type you should consider emulating.

Brit starts to feel insecure about her place in the house and starts questioning Farmer’s choice of rose distribution.  Brit tells Farmer she is upset he gave Kaitlyn the rose after she took her clothes off.  Brit says lots of women wanted to leave after that incident and she wants to know why that behavior is being validated. Chris is madddddddd.  He doesn’t like that she’s questioning his integrity.  Yet he cannot formulate a response to Brit.  He was like, “uh, that, I see, uh, you know what I mean, uh, I don’t think Kaitlyn is, I mean, I’m not rewarding inappropriate behavior, um.”  Brit apologizes for putting him on the spot, and Chris abruptly gets up and heads into the living room to make the mandatory Bachelor announcement, “I’m here to find a wife and if any of you question that, you are more than welcome to go home.”

Sent home this week is questionable mental state Ashley, the girl whose name I can’t remember, and Juelia. Ashley tells the camera she feels nothing.  She says she has no feelings.  She says honestly, she is who she is.

I hope whoever she is was acting.

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You Can’t Take Out a Car Without Test Driving It

Raise your hand if you’d rather flirt with Jimmy Kimmel than Prince Farming?  woman-raising-hand-emoji-elite-daily-1

This week Jimmy Kimmel graces the Bachelor with his funny presence.  I wish he was on every week.  Jimmy shows up at the mansion and greets the women with this gem, “Hello sister wives!”  So apropos and also, so so funny.  That’s exactly what they are! Jimmy tells the ladies he is there to help Farmer Chris make his decision by “making love to each of [them].”

Did anyone notice how uncomfortable Chris Harrison looked when Jimmy was in the room?  Upstaged!

One on One Date: Canadian GIA Kaitlyn 

A limo picks up Kaitlyn and Farmer.  They believe they are headed to a fancy place but the limo arrives at Costco.  For Kaitlyn, Costco is pretty fancy.

Apparently the date is at Costco because this is what real life looks like.  They are instructed to buy copious amounts of ketchup, pants and an office chair.  That’s not my life but I suppose it might be someone’s.  They also need to buy dinner fixings because Jimmy is coming to dinner tonight!  Again, I would be so much more excited to hang out with Jimmy for the night.  Man, I would be bad on this show.

Eventually Kaitlyn and Chris end up in a weird blowup bubble thing and kiss.  I think we need a kissing tally for this guy.  That’s one.

Maybe I’m doing my dating life wrong but when the Costco trip was over, Farmer and Kaitlyn went back to Farmer’s weird garage apartment to prepare for their guest of honor.  They kept discussing how great their date to Costco was and how much fun they had.  I’ve hit up Sam’s Club plenty of time with my boyfriend and we’ve never once come home from there and reminisced about how much fun we had at Sam’s Club. We must not be doing it right.

Jimmy shows up at the dinner party.  Overall this is pretty boring.  Jimmy asks Kaitlyn if she’ll get mad at Chris if he sleeps with all three women in the fantasy suite.  To show just how cool and laid back she is, Kaitlyn says, “No.  I can’t be.  It’s part of the process.  You can’t take out a car without test driving it.”  I think she means buy a car.  In any event, you’re a liar.  Any woman in her right mind would be very upset if the guy they got engaged to had sex with two different women The. Night. Before. Ick. Triple Ick!

Jimmy passes his pearls of wisdom on to Chris and tells him to have sex with all the girls. Kaitlyn says she can have sex with as many people as she wants too.  She’s a classy classy girl. Rose for Gia (please reference last week’s post – Gia from Full House).

Group Date: Are you Ready to Meet Some Real Party Animals?

Jimmy takes the girls to a farm to see how they’ll stand up on Chris’ farm.  They have to shuck corn, collect eggs, crack the egg into a frying pan, milk a goat, drink the milk, shovel manure, and then place a pig in his pen.

Per usual, ABC has to use a black box to cover up Jillian’s rear end again.  What is with that?  Does she not have any shorts that are made for adults?

The girls describe the goat milk as warm and salty.  Ugh.  I don’t think I could do that. Carly, cruise ship singer, proves herself as a worthy farmhand.  E-i-e-i-o.  Carly is feeling ballsy after winning the blue ribbon so at the after party she plants a kiss on Farmer.  That’s two.

Then he kisses some chick who asks him to slow dance.  No idea what her name is but she’s a bartender.  That’s three!

Kissing Chris acknowledges there is a lot of kissing going on but says that’s the point of this whole deal.  Is it though?  Last I checked people hoping to get married didn’t just tongue every person they met.  But ok.

Then he makes out with Britt.  That’s four.  Ironically, the only one who starts to take issue with Chris’ loose tongue is young Mackenzie.  She’s wondering why he’s kissing everything in a skirt.  Me too, Mack, me too.  She asks him, “why are you kissing everyone else, too?”  I admire Mackenzie in this moment.  Seriously Chris, why ARE you kissing all these women?  You cannot possibly see a future with 99% of them.  So why do you think it’s ok to kiss that 99 percent?

Chiropractic assistant Becca gets some alone time with Farmer and tells him she wants to kiss him but doesn’t want to rush it and wants it to mean something.  She doesn’t kiss him.  Did you just hear something?  That was the sound of my jaw hitting the floor.  Ladies and gentleman, I’d like to mark this as Exhibit A: it’s called self-respect. Way to go Becca!

And guess who got the rose?  Becca!  Everyone take a cue from Becca.

Second One on One: Whitney

Whitney is so overwhelmed when she learns she’s going on a date with this virtual stranger that she starts to cry.  Normal.

Whit and Chris go to a winery for some tastings.  Side note – wine tasting in a beautiful place is beyond fun.  I’m pretty much a pro:


Oh summer how I miss thee.  Anyway, Whit and Chris are guzzlin’ some grape juice when what do you know?  ABC stages a wedding!  Convenient AND believable! Whit comes up with a grand plan to crash the wedding.  She says “YOLO,” (mom translation: you only live once) and off they go. Well first they decide they need to change into formal wear, because you know, “YOLO.”

By the time Chris and Whit are changed into their clothes, it’s pitch black outside.  I’d say at least 8 hours have gone by since they first spotted the wedding.  As I said, this seems very realistic. Oh and also, a camera crew following you around at a wedding won’t make you stick out like a sore thumb or anything.  Totally normal.

Whit and Chris fake it till they make it at the wedding and none of the actors seem suspicious.  Eventually the pair dance the night away and a familiar song starts to play.  I knew right away that I recognized it.  The App Shazam told me it was Matt White “Love and Affection.”  Google told me that Bachelorette Des went to his concert with Chris (the guy she ended up picking) back on her season (Clip available here).  Geez ABC.  You can’t even get original music?  Apparently he is their go-to singer songwriter.  Google also told me that he performed at Ashley and JP’s wedding and Des and Chris’ wedding last weekend.

Whit and Chris kiss.  That’s five! Rose for Whit.

Cocktail Party Pool Party

Jimmy drops by the house to tell the girls there will be no cocktail party today but instead a pool party.  He tells the ladies they have an hour to get ready before Chris arrives.  There are audible gasps and jaws drop.  Is this editing?  These girls don’t think an hour is a long enough time to get ready for a POOL PARTY?  Even when I’m trying to look my absolute best, from shower to walking out the door, it doesn’t take me longer than an hour to get ready.  Why would putting on a swimsuit necessitate so much time?  Get a grip ladies!  But I guess that just means I’d be the one to show up at the pool party with hairy legs.  Yet another reason I would stink on this show.

New Jersey Ashley is really upset at the prospect of a pool party.  She says, “I was so excited to do my Kardasian look tonight.”  Yep.  She said that.  I had her in my first post this season labeled as the one most likely to worship Kim K (seriously) but then I decided it was so obvious that it wasn’t even funny!  She looks like she’s trying so hard to be Kimmy.  Well except the virginity thing.

At the pool party, Juelia decides it’s time to tell Chris about her tragic past.  It’s really sad and awful but I just wish she wasn’t on the show.  She’s young and the tragedy is too recent.  It’s just a lot to handle at a mid-afternoon pool party while you’re wearing a swimsuit and wearing fake eyelashes.

Jade decides it’s time to step up her game and she intends to do that by looking like a hooker.  She takes Chris back to his garage, lies down on his bed in her nude swimsuit and five-inch stilettos and makes out with Farmer.  That’s six.

Next he makes out with muscle builder Jillian.  That’s seven.  Ashley sees them make out and starts to crack.  Don’t cry Ash- that mascara is going to be a mess running down your face!  She gets some alone time with Farmer and he is instantly confused by her emotions.  He asks her if she’s laughing or crying.  She says both.  He hugs her, she stops crying, she says she missed him and then Ash attacks Chris’ face.  It looks like he’s trying to rein in her aggressive and disgusting technique but fails as they sit precariously on the ledge of the mansion.  I’m concerned for their safety.  I’m also concerned that he’s now made out with EIGHT girls this episode. After, Ashley is sad her mouth was so dry when they kissed.  Um ok.  Ew.

Three girls, whose names I don’t know, get the boot.  See ya!  I am hoping for some more action (by action I mean drama and less making out) on this next episode.

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That’s How I Feel. Boom.

This season must seriously lack entertainment or drama.  The first episode ended with a cliff hanger, as one of the ladies, Kimberly, decided to ask to stay on the show despite not receiving a rose.  That, apparently, warranted a cliff hanger.

So that’s where we pick up on episode two.  It’s sunny outside, so I can only assume these poor women have been up for well over 24 hours.  Kimberly walks back into the mansion to ask Farmer for a first chance (she never had an opportunity to speak with Chris during the Tara’s kegger cocktail party).  And the girls are peeved.  How dare she come back in here after we have formed such strong connections with him!  Or at least that’s how the insecure girls act.  Ladies, calm down.  He doesn’t know any of your names and the producers told him with to keep at least 20 out of the 22 remaining women.

Chris gives 28-year-old yoga instructor Kimberly a rose.  There is an audible gasp from the peanut gallery until they realize that Chris is watching them at which point they slowly clap and half-heartedly say “yay.”  Kimberly brings her hands to heart center, bows, and quietly says, “namaste.”

The girls change into some yoga pants that Kimberly brought for the group, some continue to drink because why not, and the Almighty Chris shows up to tell the women that Farmer Chris is living at the end of the driveway.  To some of the women this translates as permission to break and enter.  I think some no contact orders might be appropriate in the near future. With his permission to stalk Farmer, Chris also hands out the first date card, which reads, “show me your country.”  Thanks but no thanks.

Group Date: Show me Your Country

Six girls are selected for this group date and instructed to only pack a bikini.  Less is more.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, muscle builder Jillian and make-up artist Megan, have downed just enough mimosas to decide that breaking into Farmer Chris’ house is appropriate.  For some reason, Jillian wears a swimsuit that requires ABC to put a black bar over the back AND front of her lady bits.  Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse, my mom called and told me that she heard they had to use the little black bar to cover Jillian not because the suit was too small but because Jillian is abnormally hairy.

Yes.  Let that sink in.  She is too hairy.  Sorry if you threw up a little in your mouth.  Moving on.  They enter Farmer’s house, which looks like a depressing garage with some ugly throw rugs.  Megan puts on Chris’ motorcycle helmet and bangs her head against the wall over and over again, voluntarily.  What high-caliber girls!

On the date, the pool party ends and ABC resorts to exploitation of the ladies.  The girls are paraded down the streets of LA in their bikinis only.  They walked a MILE like this.  A MILE.  They arrive at the grand destination.  Tractors for a tractor race downtown LA.  So stupid.  My friend and I put the show on mute at this point.

Ashley from New Jersey, who looks just like Kim Kardasian, wins the tractor race and gets a few minutes alone with Farmer while they both try to awkwardly sit on the tractor.

At the mansion we learn horribly sad news that one of the women, Juelia, was widowed after her husband committed suicide when their daughter was a baby.  Poor Juelia breaks down in tears while girls pepper her with questions.  Has anyone heard of a hug?  Ugh.  I can’t imagine what this poor girl has been through.

On the country date, Chris gives the group date rose to 21-year-old Mackenzie.  The one who named her baby after a trendy health food: Kale.  You heard me correctly.  She’s 21, which is bad enough on its own for a 34-year-old, but she also has a child.  Named Kale.  The group date turns to a one on one date with Mackenzie.  He takes her to a bar because it’s her first time using her actual ID.

Then weird things start to happen.  Or maybe 21-year-old things start to happen.  Mackenzie spends her time telling Chris that his nose is very prominent and that it’s a great nose.  I don’t think I’ve ever said that to a date.  My what a nice schnoz you have!  Chris looks uncomfortable as he drinks his beer more quickly.  Mackenzie then asks Chris, “do you believe in aliens?”  I’m sorry but I haven’t been 21 in a while.  Is this normal conversation?  Go back to your home planet, Mack.  Chris says the alien talk raises a few red flags for him.  Amongst other things Chris…

For some reason, she gets a rose.  They make out at the bar, just like any good 21-year-old would do.

One-on-One Date: Megan, Love is a Natural Wonder

Megan.  The one with no brain cells.  She banged them all against the wall in Chris’ garage apartment. Chris picks her up and takes her to the airport where they board a private plane to Vegas, hop in a heli and fly over the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon.  Um yes please!  Sign me up!  Amazingly enough, my Bachelor watching partner has done this exact thing!  They stop somewhere in the Grand Canyon and picnic.

Megan reveals the sad news that her dad recently died from a heart attack.  So sad.  I feel like that is the new criteria for this show: you can be on if you have something really tragic to share on national television.  Megan gets a rose and a make-out session with Chris.

Group Date: Til Death Do We Part

This date is so stupid.  I can’t even bring myself to write about it.  Here is the gist – they play paint ball and the object is to shoot zombies.  The whole time, onion girl Ashley H is confused and non-sensical.  Is this an act?  I don’t believe ABC genuinely casted a mentally ill person.  So is she on something?  She makes me uncomfortable. She keeps calling the paint ball park the Mesa Verde in the creepiest voice possible.

At the house, Mack and Megan are having a spa day with face masks, and 24-year-old student Jordan has drunk all the alcohol in the house.  She comes into the bathroom and drunkenly twerks against the wall.   Then she drunkenly tells the camera that Jillian has the hairiest butt she’s ever seen.  She says it rivals some of her ex-boyfriends.  That’s TWO people telling me about this girl’s hair problems!  What!

At the date Ashley starts rambling more non-sense.  She thinks an angel will receive the rose.  The Canadian gets some alone time with Farmer.  She reminds me of bad girl Gia from Full House:


{photo source: http://wac.9ebf.edgecastcdn.net/809EBF/ecorigin.nyc.barstoolsports.com/files/2014/08/0d68584a2ee5492f52876886e7c21c24.jpg}

Chris kisses Canadian.  He likes her.  Ashley spontaneously tells the group, “that’s how I feel.  Boom.”  Nobody knows what she’s talking about and she just keep repeating herself. “Boom.  Like the truth.  Boom. Go find your own way to the truth.”  Seriously, this is a conversation.  Is this a mental health breakdown?  I don’t understand. She asks Chris to play hide and seek. Then she asks him to explore with her.  She asks if they are at Mesa Verde again.  Later, she interrupts Chris filming a reflection interview.  She says, “I’m not going to be fake with you.”  He says ok. Farmer is genuinely concerned about Ashley and asks if she’s holding up ok.  She says she doesn’t understand what he’s asking her.  (Mental note: she is unable to track conversation.  That is worrisome).  Then she says, “you don’t want to lose the whole world, right?  But actually, you don’t want to gain the whole world.   You don’t want to lose your soul.”  Chris responds with a solemn “correct.”

Chris spends some quality make out time with Britt, removes his tongue from her mouth and hands the rose to Canadian Kaitlyn.  Ouch.

Cocktail Party/ Rose Ceremony 

High-pitched Whitney snagged some alone time with Farmer and brings him his favorite whiskey. Well-played, Whit. Kim Kardashian, Ashley resorts to more drastic measures.  First, she reveals to the girls that she is a 26-year-old virgin.  Mack is beyond envious.  If she was still a virgin she wouldn’t have a child named Kale.  Ashley puts on her genie outfit (why is that a theme this season?) and does one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen on this show.  She tells Chris he has three wishes he can make.  On her belly button ring.  And then she instructs him to rub her belly button ring.  If the hairy butt thing didn’t make you want to throw up earlier, this surely will.  He rubs her belly button and then they aggressively make out.  I mean aggressively.  I had to cover my eyes.  It was a total mess.  Ashley needs some instruction.

Pretty much the remaining 22 girls make out with Chris except drunken Jordan.  She’s been drunk for 72 hours straight and decides her BAC is just high enough to plant a wet one on him.  No kiss happens and awkwardness ensues.

In the end, Yogi was sent home again.  Drunken Tara and drunken Jordan were also among the departed.  The producers mandated that Ashley stick around another week to provide us with entertainment/ concern.

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It’s Just a Panty Dropper

The worst thing happened on Sunday.  My internet stopped working and the only time my provider could come fix it was Monday night at 6:00 PM.  I sat there like an impatient child, willing the service dude to hurry the heck up and get out of my apartment.  Didn’t he know it was MONDAY NIGHT!  THE Monday night?  He finally left and I breathed a sigh of relief (and also felt like an idiot after I realized that I caused the internet outage from my ironing board getting caught on some cords – – whoopsies!).  I grabbed my sweat pants, charged my cell phone so I was prepared to text 100 texts a minute, consulted my old friends Ben and Jerry and settled in for the night.

And then it happened.  The eagle has landed.



{photo source 1:http://convozine.com/robin_hardwick/31885}
{photo source 2:http://www.hoax-slayer.com/rebirth-of-the-eagle-hoax.shtml}

Eagle you ask?  Check out that beak.  Anyway, as if this show couldn’t get any worse, Chris Harrison greets us on a LIVE red carpet.  Is this really necessary?  Of course not.  We do not need to waste time on the dog lover, Bachelor lowlife royalty Michelle  Money, cocktail waitress, nanny, or self-explorer, Nikki sans Juan Pablo but with a newly enhanced bosom, Catherine’s weird cape, and a bunch of other people whom you can’t remember but you’re 99% certain they are either a free spirit, cocktail waitress, nanny, or shopping enthusiast.

But let’s focus on Prince Farming.  I may or may not have understood the Prince Farming nickname for a full 24 hours.

The scene changes to Farmer Chris cruising down the Arlington highway on his hog.  Maybe the show wanted to make him appear a little more edgy?  Either way, his hog pulls up to the farm (where no actual livestock reside- a fact some of the ladies should have researched).  The camera pans to the family rock, marking the property:


We’re soules-mates. Here is my family farm rock (with the name redacted because frankly, we’re not soul mates):


The b-roll footage shows Farmer staged in front of various picturesque barns contemplating his journey to find love.  It’s time for the farming/ love analogies.  Farmer says, “Love is a lot like farming,” and then I stopped listening.  If I had to guess it would include the words seed, water, pesticides, growing, something beautiful.  Is there ever a scenario where the Bachelor can’t make an analogy to the Bachelor’s profession and love?  How about a coroner?  “Love is a lot like performing autopsies: you need to be willing to really look inside someone to find what you’re looking for.”  True.

Anyway, Farmer really digs life on the farm but as much as he loves organic alfalfa, Arlington lacks young women and an adequate hair dresser.  So for all the ladies out there hailing from LA and New York, if you are interested in moving to a 400 person town, median age 67, demographic 99.9% caucasian, 65% male, 100% pick-up trucks, and hot topics include the price of corn, then Arlington is the town for you!  Oh and on a side note: Beef Cake Cody is Farmer’s trainer.  I might have spit out my water when he appeared on-screen.

With Beef Cakes help, Farmer Chris has the muscles it takes to drive his hog cross-country to LA to find his wifey.  We get one brief shot of Farmer’s recently developed upper torso in his outdoor shower (because, why not) and it’s off to the mansion for him to be sized up like a piece of meat.  I can’t possibly devote time to each and every waitress vying for the opportunity to move to Iowa and receive the Kate Gosslin hair style, so instead I’ll focus on the most memorable.

Most Likely to Win the Physical Fitness Test:


{photo source:http://abc7news.com/entertainment/chris-soules-begins-his-journey-on-the-bachelor/463009/}

Guys.  I had one resolution in 2014.  Just one.  And I failed.  I didn’t even get close.  I wanted to be able to do three pull ups consecutively by the end of the year.  Guess how many I could do when the year came to an end?  Zero.  Zilch.  In fact it hurt my hands just hanging on the bar.

This chick is clearly sippin’ what’s in Cody’s Kool Aid.  Her name is Jillian, she’s a news producer from DC, and her thighs can crush your skull if you stare too long.  She did like 5 pull ups on camera with EXTRA weight dangling between her legs.  Like 50 extra pounds.  She’d probably be able to bale some serious hay on the farm.

Most Likely to Need an Eye Patch:


{photo source:http://www.eonline.com/news/509848/orange-is-the-new-black-s-crazy-eyes-i-was-a-figure-skater-for-10-years}

Oh how I love thee Crazy Eyes!  Who here can’t wait for season three of Orange is the New Black?!

No but really.  This chick.  Her eyes.  She’s a ballerina named Amanda with the biggest, buggiest eyes this side of the Mississippi.  And she’s annoying to boot.  During her “get to know you” package, Buggy Ballerina said she lives at home with her mom because she doesn’t have to pay rent, and doesn’t have to clean or cook.  Woman, you best learn to cook for your man STAT.  Kidding. Mostly.  But I mean really, I think cooking and cleaning will be expected duties on the farm.


{photo source:  http://www.celebuzz.com/photos/chris-soules-on-the-bachelor-premiere-recap/amanda-eyes/}

Her eyes also remind me of Ramona from the Real Housewives.  They are big eye bugging soul mates.

Of course when it’s time for Buggy Ballerina to meet Farmer, she shows up wearing an I Dream of Jeannie costume, makes Chris cover his eyes and pretends to be his secret admirer.  I half expected her to get out of the limo and start singing “I’m a genie in a bottle baby, gotta rub me the right way honey.”  I felt disappointed when she didn’t.  But she didn’t disappoint me when she said this:  “Chris is dead sexy. His smile! Oh! It’s just a panty dropper.”

Amanda has great depth to her. I can tell because she says things like “I can’t wait to talk to him so I can tell him, like, you’re super hot.”  She gets her opportunity alone with Chris and her strategy is to make “goo goo eyes,” at him the whole time.  Farmer Chris starts to wish she had remained a mystery.

Most Likely To Remain in LA and Absolutely Hate Iowa and All Things Farming:


{photo source:http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/19-bachelorette-britt}

It’s beautiful-hugging-waitress-is-that-really-your-hair-Britt!   Britt is number one out of the limo and embraces Farmer Chris like he just got back from three tours in Afghanistan.  She even pants loudly as though Chris’ embrace is the key to her survival.  I wanted to yell “END SCENE!” because it felt like a soap opera audition.  I mean just when you thought a hug couldn’t go on any longer, it did.

Most Likely to be an Organ Donor 


{photo source: https://us.beamly.com/exclusives/2015/01/06/the-bachelor-limo-entrances/}

Reegan.  The cadaver tissue saleswoman.  Hey she would be perfect for my hypothetical coroner bachelor!  She greets Chris with a biohazardous red cooler, filled with a fake, yet disgusting, heart.  As she opens the cooler to expose a gelatinous, bloody looking blob, Chris starts to feel his whiskey rise in his throat and Reegan quickly shuts the cooler.  She assures the green-faced farmer that it’s just a joke.  Limo greeting fail, Reegan.  Nobody likes organs when they aren’t properly inside your body.  Farmer Chris quickly realizes he and Reegan have vastly different professions that both involve “harvesting.”

The One Most Likely to Need the ABC Psychotherapist/ The One Most Likely to Receive Roses at Producers’ Direction


{photo source: http://observer.com/2015/01/the-bachelor-morning-after-rose-ceremony-week-1/ }

It’s 24-year-old hairstylist Ashley!  She’s so special, she gets two awards!  Ashley.  Ugh.  She greets Chris with a sour expression but says, “I’m so happy to see your face.”  Um. Are you?  That is not the expression of happiness; it looks more like you’ll cut him if he crosses you.

Ashley starts to become majorly insecure when she doesn’t get some one on one time with Farmer.  She complains, “the night is getting old.  With wrinkles.”  Her eyes start to resemble ol’ crazy eyes.  Soon, Ash is rambling on about how every person is like an onion.  She says, “when you cut them, you peel them back.”  Told you she’ll cut you.

I’m not sure if she’s drunk, drugged, weird, or all of the above but something funky is going on with this lady.  Ashley starts yelling at the camera man to look at the onion (as she points off camera), “take a look at this freaking onion” she says more forcefully.  Finally, curiosity gets the best of Ashley and she picks the “onion” and discovers it is a…pomegranate.

The Most Likely To Get Censured the Most/ The Most Likely to Skinny Dip


{photo source:http://www.eonline.com/photos/14461/the-bachelor-season-19-meet-chris-soules-ladies/440499}

Kaitlyn is this season’s Canadian and girl has a mouth on her like she just stepped out of the trailer park.  She greets Farmer with this gem: “I’d let you plow the f*** out of my field any day.”  Classy classy broad that Kaitlyn.  Chris is stunned silent.  Just stunned.  His little wholesome Iowa ears can’t even comprehend.  Later, Kathy makes another off-color joke about a tight seal and there is a horrified gasp amongst the ladies.  So that’s her thing.

The Most Likely To Get Pushed Off the Boat


{photo source:http://i0.wp.com/www.trashtalktv.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/Carly.jpg}

Carly.  Enough said.

Some other memorable shout-outs include the wrestler who wore a doily and called it a dress (it shouldn’t have even passed as a shirt), the girl in the pig nose, and the drunken cowgirl Tara whose best friends include Jameson, Johnny and Jack.  So many gems, so little time.

Chris is optimistic about this selection.  He tells head Chris, “if this doesn’t work, I don’t know what will.”  It’s almost like he’s never seen this show.

The first impression rose goes to hugger Britt.  Incidentally, she also got the first kiss. On the FIRST NIGHT.  Is that a Bachelor first?

Who do you guys like?  I like Jade from Nebraska, guidance counselor Kelsey, Britt (they will never ever be together in a million years but she has a big personality and have I mentioned her hair? Only 10 times).  I feel like this “crop” has so many beautiful women.  Tough pickin’ Farmer!

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Prince Farming



That is all. I’ll be back with more soon!

{photo source: http://theashleysrealityroundup.com/2014/11/26/5-cringeworthy-things-that-happen-in-the-new-chris-soules-bachelor-promo/}

Thank God He’s a Country Boy

Five words.  It only takes five magic words to send my heart aflutter:  “this season on the Bachelor.”

Prepare yourself.  In just two short days, we will hear those sweet sweet words uttered from the Almighty Chris Harrison.  I usually get dressed in my fanciest rose ceremony clothes, grab a giant rose, put on a giant light-up Neil Lane ring, and practice my “I accept this rose” face.


Adding to my excitement, beyond the obvious drunken people making fools of themselves, women crying over a man they just met and probably don’t really like, and the over the top ridiculous “dates,” I am excited to get to know our new Bachelor, Farmer Chris.  Hey ABC execs, I sincerely hope that Monday’s season premiere starts with this:

You’re welcome. In the alternative, I suggest just playing the entire soundtrack to Oklahoma! It seems fitting.

I really enjoyed our country boy on Andi’s season. He seemed like such a nice “aw-shucks,” kind of guy.  Wouldn’t hurt a fly.  But oh how the mighty have fallen.

Over Christmas, I was with an LA insider (side note: she’s amazing and I’m beyond jealous of things she gets to do!) and she informed me that sweet farmer Chris is more of a Wild West outlaw, and less of a home, home on the range kind of guy.  E-i-e-i-o.

Like the good journalist that I am, I decided to conduct my own research rather than rely on inadmissible hearsay.  So what’s the deal?  Are we dealing with a Billy the Kid or Butch Cassidy?  Or just some youthful indiscretions?  I decided I’d take a look at the court records myself, rather than conduct my research through the National Enquirer.  Here is the screen shot of the results:

Screen Shot 2015-01-03 at 10.34.15 AM

If you click on the screen shot, you can get a closer look at the list.  Yep.  That’s a long list.  In summation, Chris plead guilty to a number of offenses, which include: multiple speeding violations (slow your roll Farmer), stop sign violations, multiple underage drinking violations (he likes to party, he likes, he likes to party), open container while driving, fighting/ noise (worrisome), a DUI (uh oh, things just got serious), and a bunch of other vehicle related incidents.  Basically, Chris enjoys driving fast, boozing, and sometimes combining the two.  His DUI happened in 2005 but it appears he’s been on the straight and narrow ever since.

Is he too much of a bad boy to be the Bachelor?  Or do you think he’s a reformed bad boy?  Or will the edge make him more interesting?  While his charges are voluminous, most of them are pretty minor and nearly 10 years old.  I’m still fine with him as the Bachelor.  Look at that cute face!  Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots!


{photo source: http://heavy.com/entertainment/2014/05/chris-soules-the-bachelorette-2014-photos-pics-final-four-season-10/}

As for the women, here are the top ten scenarios I am hoping for Monday night:

  1. Drunken girl in limo, too drunk to get out.  Immediately sent to detox.
  2. Token mom with more than one child and more than one father.
  3. The baton twirler reappearing for the 10th desperate attempt at finding love.
  4. Tiara.  Nuf said.
  5. An ex-girlfriend of Farmer Chris, who had to come before it was too late.
  6. Someone who is [deep breath] there for the wrong reasons.  Gasp.
  7. A 19 year old nanny/ waitress, who used the pumpkin hued fake tanner and is absolutely old enough to get married, even if she can’t legally drink the champaign at her wedding.
  8. The washed up 30 year old, who, pathetically, didn’t find love as a teenager.  Cougar.
  9. The first impression girl, who will undoubtedly be this season’s villain, and the winner of the gaudy Neil Lane.
  10. Someone who greets Farmer Chris on a tractor.  Wearing overalls.
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Fiance Type Stuff

Last Monday night I had big decisions to make.  What did I want to chow down on while I watched the Bachelorette finale?  Carbs?  Chinese food?  A gyro?  Pizza?  The possibilities seemed endless.  Finally my friends and I settled on burgers.  The kind with cheese oozing out of the middle of them.  I took my time in the kitchen plating the food from their greasy take-out boxes when all the sudden, from the other room, one of my friends started yelling, “THERE’S NO RECAP.  IT’S ON.”

Unprecedented.  Since when does this show just start without a 15-20 minute recap of the past ten weeks?  Don’t we need to hear how hard this week is going to be and what an amazing journey Andi’s had and how confident she is that one of the last two will make an amazing husband?

Chris Harrison welcomes us with live commentary.  He tells the audience that the man who was rejected is stalking Andi.  The broken-hearted reject traveled to Mexico and the Men Tell All to confront Andi.  Andi refused to talk to him both times.  Now, the reject is required to keep a minimum distance of 100 feet between him and Andi and he is to have no unavoidable contact with her.  He is not allowed to text, Facebook, email, call, write, or send aerial messages (Farmer Chris style).  Failure to comply with said conditions will result in an immediate casting in Bachelor in Paradise.

Nick Meets the Andi’s 

Anyway, as I said, there is NO RECAP.  It’s time to jump right in with all the roses.  Up first?  Nick.  Nick puts on his tightest shirt (which I think I might own) and tightest pair of shorts and heads over to meet Hy and the rest of the family.  Nick brings flowers for Momma Patti, scotch for Daddy Hy and nothing for Andi’s sister.  Come on Nick, you gotta win over sisters too. We like gift cards to Target, wine, massages (from professionals – not from you.  Ew.) and Chris Harrison.  Any of those options would have been acceptable for sister Rachel.

Right off the bat, Hy is not impressed.  Nick is nervous, boring, and sweaty.  Patti notices that Nick is nervous and not affectionate towards Andi.  Nick starts mumbling at lunch and everyone looks bored to tears.  Nick tells the camera, “the worst thing that could happen today is they think I’m a jackass.”  I’m not sure they think you are a jackass yet, Nick.  That comes later.  All in good time.

Nick tells Andi’s mom he loves Andi and nobody else will ever make him feel that way.  Momma Patti starts to cry.  Tears of joy?  Or tears of fear?  Meanwhile, Andi pulls Rachel aside to over share about kissing Nick.  I get distracted because Rachel looks familiar.  And then I realize she’s Jasmine.


Nick asks scary Daddy Hy for his blessing to marry Andi.  He laughs the whole time while seeking permission and Hy reluctantly says “if y’all two choose each other, that would be wonderful.”  Andi pulls Hy aside and tells him not to worry.  No way in heck will she pick that dude.

Josh Meets the Andi’s

It’s time for the fam dam to meet Josh.  Josh could have used some steroid shots because that boy is sweatin’ like a pig.  But no worries because Josh chose to wear the exact same outfit as Hy – a silky blue button down and some white shorts.  Except Josh thought he’d leave his shirt unbuttoned down to his belly button.  Cute.  And he also decided to steal a pair of Andi’s white Bermuda shorts.  Flowers for Momma Patti and lung cancer sticks for Hy.  Come on, Josh.  It looks like Hy could use a plate of broccoli and a couple laps in the pool, not cigars.

I’m sort of in love with Andi’s crop top and cute patterned blue skirt.  Momma Hy says Josh is boisterous and chaotic.  What a ringing endorsement!

Jasmine Rachel has a sea turtle tattoo.

Josh’s teeth.  Seriously.  So white.


They remind of the time Ross whitened his teeth:


In fact, they sort of look alike.

Hy gives Josh his blessing to shack up with his daughter.  Josh is so excited.  He runs back to his hotel to apply more hair gel and whitening strips in anticipation of his last date with Andi.

Josh’s Last Supper

The best thing to wear on your last date with Andi, to give one last final impression, is the most hideous, bargain bin, bro-tank.  Ugh.  He just needs a keg cup in hand to complete the look.  What a frat boy.  They go on a boat.  Boring boring boring.  Andi’s hair is blowing around.  Boring. More boat.

Josh writes Andi a letter and reads it to her.  Can’t she read it to herself?  Josh makes Andi her own baseball card with her stats.  The card says “Andi Murray,” which is Josh’s last name.  Cute Josh, cute.  A lot more fun than the weird gift Nick’s about to give Andi.

Nick’s Last Supper

Nick doesn’t wear a bro-tank for his final date with Andi but he does chose an equally unfortunate outfit.  Blue on blue.  Did they have to send the wardrobe department home early?  Come on.  These outfits are not acceptable.

Andi is taking Nick off-roading in a Jeep for their last adventure.  Second Jeep of the season.  New sponsor? Nick drives like 10 MPH and Andi fake screams in excitement.  They head to a private lagoon for a picnic.  Nick leans in to kiss Andi.  Andi pushes him away.

Back at Andi’s casa, Nick breathes deeply and is on the edge of having a nervous breakdown.  He can’t believe the 9 weeks are already over.  9 WEEKS?  Seriously, I have a gallon of milk in my fridge that’s over 9 weeks old (ok, that’s a lie.  Everyone knows I guzzle milk like nobody’s business).  But 9 weeks does not an engagement make.

Andi tells Nick he should be confident.  Nick says Andi is giving him all the signs.  Kate says uh oh.

Maybe Andi was legitimately considering Nick…until he gave her the world’s ugliest necklace.  It’s a pendant filled with sand on a ridiculously thin long chain from one of the 10000 beaches they went to.  Andi is so mortified she flings it onto her neck so she doesn’t have to look at it.  Again, she wonders why the personal shopper didn’t help Nick with the final gift.

So who will she pick?  The bigger question is who won’t she pick.

Neil pops in to give let Josh peruse his collection of gaudy, costume jewelry rings.  Josh picks one fit for Las Vegas and Neil buffs it up nice and shiny on his chest hair.  All is right in the world.

And then with a couple knocks on Nick’s door, his fate is sealed.  There will be no Neil Lane for Nick.  There will be no “will you accept this rose” for Nick.  There will only be the memory of fiancé type things (more on that later), potentially an STD, and regret over giving Andi something that a 7th grader would give his crush (the fairytale book AND the sand necklace).

Andi walks into Nick’s hotel room.  She’s a little surprised he’s wearing a shirt made out of the table-cloth from their picnic yesterday but she’s got bigger things to worry about.


Andi tells Nick that she woke up this morning and didn’t think things were right.  Nick stays mum and Andi starts repeating over and over again, “It’s not right.  It’s not what I envisioned.  It’s not right.”  Andi tries SO HARD to shed tears but none come.  She tells Nick that he over analyzes every single thing and that she can’t have fun with him.  Nick asks if this is about them or someone else?  Andi just shrugs.  Nick tells Andi she took things too far.  She sure did take things too far.  All the way to funky town.

Just like that, ABC managed to make it rain.  Do you think they purposely made Andi dump Nick when they knew it was about to rain?  It’s just too perfect.

Back in the hotel room, Nick packs his tiny little suitcase and chucks his old roses into the hotel trash can.  Who needs those.  Nick gets into the rejection SUV and says he feels like such a fool.  Meanwhile, Andi enlists the help of her glam squad, cause it’s engagement time y’all!

The Final Rose Ceremony

Ten bucks says she picks Josh.  Or is your money on Chris Harrison? I am in LOVE with Andi’s dress.  I think it’s gorgeous and beautiful on her.  Wouldn’t it make such a great beachy wedding dress?  They should just get hitched now!

I wish I could say the same about Josh’s outfit.  What. in. the. world.  How TIGHT is that suit?  He’s bulging out of it.  It’s so ill-fitting.  Did his get mixed up with Nick’s?  Is he trying to channel the incredible hulk?  While I’m contemplating how soon it will be before the whole thing rips open, Josh launches into a well-rehearsed, memorized soliloquy.  Did he have a teleprompter?  Who knew he was capable of memorizing all those lines.  Andi tells Josh she loves him and like a dutiful soldier, Josh takes his cue and drops to one knee.  The Neil Lane slips onto Andi’s finger and Andi can’t help but stare at her new bling.  Josh is sweating bullets.  Seriously, he might need to have his glands checked out.  He must be so thirsty!

So Andi and Josh live happily ever after.

But Nick?  Not so happily ever after.  Especially once the order for no contact went into effect.

After the Final Rose 

After my friends and I consumed more grease than we thought humanly possible, we convinced my lovely boyfriend to run out and get us shakes to help us through the next hour.  There may or may not have been a cheers to Chris Harrison involved:


But back to the show.  Here’s what we learn:

1)  Nick is back in Milwaukee (holler to the MKE!) and can’t wake up from this nightmare.

2) He’s having a hard time letting go of something so special.  He’s not over her.

3)  Nick’s mom has a nose piercing.  And cries when she thinks of Nick hurt.

4) Nick decides the best way to tell Andi she’s making a mistake is to try stalking her.  He flies to the Men Tell All (filmed long after the engagement) to try to talk to Andi.  Andi says oh heck no and Nick is denied access.

5)  Chris Harrison’s dressing room is filled with 50 shirts — all shades of blue.  Not to be confused with  50 Shades of Gray.

6) Chris Harrison delivers a letter to Andi on behalf of Nick.  Not without first reading it out-loud to all the crew and having a good chuckle.

It’s time to bring out Andi.

Nick stumbles over his words for 15 minutes and when it’s Andi’s turn to talk she says she wasn’t in love with him and never told him she loved him.  Nick says that’s hard to hear and the hardest part is “I guess you know like, knowing how in love with you I was, if you weren’t in love with me, I’m just not sure why you, you made love with me.”

And that’s when an audible gasp came from my living room and I received the following text message from my best friend:


It. just. got. interesting.  I mean we KNOW what goes on in the fantasy suite but nobody ever SAYS it!  Until now.  Andi’s reaction?  Not impressed. She tells Nick his comment was below the belt.  Nick says, yes that’s exactly what happened.  It was all below the belt.  Andi says the things she did with him and said to him were real.  That position?  Totally real.

Nick says the things they did together were “fiancé type of stuff.”  Geez.  What did they do?  What is strictly reserved for your fiancé?  Andi is fuming.  She tells him that she does way more fun things with her real fiancé.

Here’s my theory: Andi broke up with Nick after the fantasy suite night and all the love makin’ because Nick was bad in bed.

Regardless I see both sides of this situation.  I think it’s a tad gross that Andi had sex with two different men back to back.  But I also think Nick didn’t need to kiss and tell.  And I really do think it’s possible that Andi might have picked Nick but for his performance that night…

As for Andi and Josh?  They actually seem really in love!  Kind of cute.  I’ll for sure blog about their wedding.  Let’s just hope it’s not another “grown sexy” themed wedding.

Thanks “y’all” for reading this season.  Will you guys watch Bachelor in Paradise?  I will give it a shot.  Unsure about blogging about it.  Thoughts?  Who should be the next Bachelor?  Chris Harrison?  Farmer Chris?  Bad in bed Nick?  Until next time!

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Boy oh Boy

Remember when I was a teenager and this show was new and fresh?  In the blink of an eye, I went from not being old enough to drive a car when this show started to being too old to be considered for casting.  Where has my life gone?  What do I have to show for it?  A blog about the Bachelor franchise?  Student loans and car payments?  A closet full of dresses too short and too tight for someone *ahem* pushing 30?  In the wise words of Max Kellerman from Dirty Dancing, “it feels like it’s all slipping away.”

But alas, back to when this show first started, the Men Tell All episode was just that — the men came in, badmouthed the bachelorette, we learned house secrets, and maybe some tears were shed.  Now, we hear from the bachelors who were on the show for like a hot second, most of whom we have no recall of whatsoever, and the rest of the time is dedicated to exploiting their 3 success stories.

Exploited this time?  Ashley, JP and their teeny tiny fetus.  Yes, Ashley is with child– JP’s child despite the weird references to it maybe looking like Chris Harrison.  That’s not creepy at all.  And in the most staged and exploited moment so far, Chris arranged for an extra to fake a sonogram on TV to announce the gender of the baby.  As the tabloids reported it was a boy months ago, I’m calling bologna sausage.

Since there are no secrets in the blogging world and we’re all friends here, free from judgment (to my face), I might as well confide in you that I’ve watched every episode of Sex and the City.  Like 50 times.  Or more.  Details aren’t important.  The point is, this reminded me of the episode when Miranda faked her sonogram.  She went in for a sonogram (hey pregnant friends/ doctor friends, what’s the difference between a sonogram and an ultrasound) and it was the 20-week check-up when she could find out the sex of the baby.  When the technician enthusiastically said, “It’s a BOY!” Miranda had to fake a happy surprised reaction of “boy oh boy.”



source: http://bridegene.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/miranda-jpg.png

These two totally just faked their sonogram.  But I’m sure they got paid good money to fake it.

Here’s what else “happened” (the use of quotes is perfectly acceptable here because nothing really happened other than I got bored):

  1. Extra in the audience posing as someone trying to meet Farmer Chris.  Crazy much?  Since when does ABC just allow random people to rush the stage?
  2. Oh that’s right, they don’t!  Exhibit A: Chris from Emily’s season.  Man they hate him.  And yet, they keep using him for the show to humiliate him.
  3. Bachelor in nightmare Paradise.  I sure hope they bring strong antibiotics for all those bodily fluid exchanges.  Nobody likes the Clap.  I think that’s an STD?  Also, I totally just googled, “STDs you can treat with antibiotics.”  I’m oddly excited for this show.  It looks like a cross between Jerry Springer and the Real World.  The theme can be: “take care of yourself and each other, where people stop being polite, and start getting real.”  Genius.
  4. Marquel has a cloth chocolate chip cookie pin.
  5. Scarves.  Man scarves.  Lot of them.  Some of them I think I own.
  6. Objectionable hearsay causes a 30 minute debate between Andrew, Marquel and JJ.  He said, she said, blah blah blah.  News for all of you: this is not admissible in the Bachelorette Court of Law!  Excited utterance exception?  I don’t think so!
  7. JJ appears drunk or stoned (you know, I’m not a drug user so I’m actually worried that might be an antiquated term used by my mother.  Sorry I’m so uncool with my lingo).  JJ almost cries.  Probably just the drugs talking.
  8. Andi is not willing to fake a sonogram tonight because she’s not pregnant.  She just has a little bloat from all the drinking and eating.
  9. Lies, lies and more lies.  Dylan, Marcus and Josh are all liars.  Dylan doesn’t wash his hands in the bathroom. Ew.  Marcus slept with over 20 women.  Double ew.  And Josh’s lies?  I’ll never tell.  XOXO – Gossip Girl.
  10. In the most dramatic twist of them all, Chris Harrison hands Andi a note backstage, after the show is over.  And that’s it.

Tomorrow night is the finale and I can’t wait!  On a scale of 1 to 10, what is the likelihood that Neil Lane will shine a diamond on the chest hair that will undoubtedly be spilling out of his shirt?  Or is he a shave the chest kind of guy?  Either way, I’m sure Neil’s chest will be exposed enough  to place a defibrillator pad on his chest without having to waste time with buttons, in the event of a medical emergency.

So, who will it be?  Are you team Nick or team Josh?  Or are you like me, supporting team I Am Totally Unimpressed by Both of Them and Care About as Much as I Care about Sports?

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He’s Got a Body on Him

One word sums up this episode: boring.  What a snooze-fest.  I’ve seen more drama on episodes of Full House.  I mean remember when DJ had to choose between Steve and the rich guy, Nelson?  Drama!  Oddly enough, that plot line was similar to this plot line…

Anyway, Andi and her remaining three dudes land in the DR for some quality sexcapades overnight dates to better [ahem] get to know each other.  Biblically.  Except for Farmer Chris.  She’s not going to be shuckin’ any of his corn.   He’s not going to be plowin’ any of her fields.  That was my lame attempt at farming erotica.

Andi is soooooo excited to be in the Dominican Republic.  It’s the perfect place to fall in love.  The first 45 minutes of the show are devoted to recapping the entire season– in case you forgot what happened the past month of this show.  You know the show is really struggling for content when they make us watch Andi “journal.”  Seeing as she turns to the very first page in her spiral notebooks indicates she’s journaling for the first time since 5th grade.

First Overnight Date: Nick 

A HELICOPTER ride!  Yippy!  It’s been a while! And wouldn’t you know it – ABC manages to find some corral from the helicopter that’s shaped like a heart.  How convenient romantic. Andi takes Nick to a private island, where Andi declares, “this is freaking amazing.”  You know what else is also a little amazing?  Nick’s body is actually pretty nice.  I didn’t expect that.  He must have borrowed some roids from Cody.  Andi says, “Nick.  UGH.  He’s got a body on him.”  Ok creeper. She calls Nick passionate and says “It’s that adult romance with Nick.”  Please go no further.  I don’t want to throw up the 10 Oreos I just ate.

Nick and Andi talk about his past relationship and the conversation once again was like this– Nick: like, I, like, I was like, young.  Like.  I was like.  Yeah.  It’s life.  Like that’s the thing.  Like, yeah.

Boy, he’s articulate. Like.

At dinner, Nick tells Andi he did what a typical midwestern guy would do for a girl.  He wrote her a fairytale.  Um.  I’m sorry but I’ve dated a LOT of midwestern guys– in fact I’ve never not dated a midwestern guy– and yet not a one of them ever wrote me a fairytale.  And that’s really quite ok.  Sadly the fairytale was just another recap.  So boring.  So stupid.  So over this.  Does Nick think Andi is a 5 year old?

Andi whips out the fantasy suite card and Nick says he is most excited to talk Andi’s ear off the entire night.  Andi’s thrilled they are going to be doing all this “talking” all night long.  Before they head to the room to swap bodily fluids, he says “like” 500 times and finally “I love you.”

Second Overnight Date: Josh

It’s laundry day for Andi so she decides to wear black running shorts with a yellow flowy lacy top on her date with Josh.  It’s…weird.  Andi wants Josh to tell her he loves her.  If not, no sex for him talking all night long in the fantasy suite.  Andi and Josh explore the little town and what do you know, they end up at a baseball diamond.  I swear this is the last 5 dates these two have been on.

Oh my gosh.  I’m seriously so bored.  Their convo at dinner is so boring I don’t even have anything witty to say about it.  He said he wants to marry her and he loves her.  What’s with his weird accent?  Eventually they head to the recently sanitized fantasy suite, where Josh, unlike Nick, is excited to do anything but talk.

Not Gonna Happen Overnight Date: Farmer Chris

I saw this coming.  I love Chris and I realllllly hope he’s the next Bachelor but I knew Andi was never going to pick him.  There’s no way that chick can keep up her five minutes of fame in Iowa.  Ain’t gonna happen.

Andi spends the date telling Chris over and over again how much she loves his family.  Seriously, it’s all she says all day; your family is so great, I love them!  Yeah well they officially hate you.

Andi wears tiny white shorts for some horseback riding, which apparently she finds terrifying.  Eventually, they play ghost in the grave yard.  Alone.  Maybe not the smoothest move.  It was cute with your family.  It’s just weird alone in a field.

At dinner Andi realizes it’s time to dump the farmer.  While never once looking at him, she tells him 10 times that it’s not Iowa (which really means, it’s actually Iowa) and tells him that it’s actually him.  Oh.  That’s worse.  You should have said it was Iowa.  She basically says her feelings aren’t as strong for him as they are for the other guys.  Andi says she’s unsure about the relationship.  Farmer Chris is stunned and caught off guard.  He tells her he just wants to fall in love with her and that’s happening and that he doesn’t want to change one thing about her.  Farmer Chris can’t believe he’s being dumped for Nick.  The least manly guy ever.  I can’t believe it either Farmer Chris but I’m thankful because I certainly could not watch Nick for a season as the next Bachelor.

As the consummate gentleman, Farmer Chris offers Andi his arm as they walk out to the rejection car.  He wishes her the best and says goodbye.  He’s such a gentle soul.

Andi still conducts a rose ceremony and Nick and Josh accept their roses. Josh brags about all the “non-talking” he and Andi did last night.  Nick responds with 100 likes and then brags that he’s like, the favorite, and like, Andi loves talking to him, like the most.

See you tomorrow for the Men Tell All!  Will anyone else tell Andi she’s an actress?  Will Farmer Chris be announced as the next Bachelor?  Will this episode be a little less dull than the fantasy suite date episode?  Please, please PLEASE let it be more exciting!

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I Feel Like an Idiot

Y’all. Yesterday I spent a solid five minutes staring into the mirror trying to make my lips look like Andi’s signature duck pout look. I failed. I don’t know if it’s because my lips are just too big to pull that off but I looked like a botox job gone bad.

It’s hometown dates. And that means I care about one thing, and one thing only. Andi is headed to Milwaukee! My hometown! Go Pack Go.



source: https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-mERVtd7P2Qw/Uuwj3Il9TzI/AAAAAAAAmms/TVOe-iSRENQ/w500/14%2B-%2B1

Nick takes Andi to the Milwaukee Public Market. It’s the knock-off version of Seattle or so I envision since I’ve not actually been there. But you know what ours has that Seattle probably doesn’t? Beer and cheese tasting aplenty.

Once they have a solid buzz happening (this is, after all, the “drunkest state” in America), Nick takes Andi to Lake Front Brewery for…you guessed it, more drinking! I hope Andi can hold her own because she’s going to be one drink shy of dancing on a table soon. If she gets to that point, I recommend Water Street. She doesn’t quite find herself on a table, but she does hit up the dance floor to perform the Wisconsin state dance, the Polka.

I actually had a gym unit dedicated to the Polka. We take it seriously, folks. If you can’t Polka during the seventh inning stretch at the Brewers game, then don’t bother coming. Cubs fans need not apply.

After Andi and Nick finish rolling out the barrel, they head to Waukesha to meet Nick’s massive family. And I mean MASSIVE. 10 children. Catholic much? Safe assumption. It’s Milwaukee.  Nick is the oldest of the Von Trapp Family Singers.  The youngest looks to be about 8.  Nick is 33.  That means he was in his mid 20’s when that kid was born.  That’s just wrong, mother.  Wrong.  Nick’s protective sister, Marie (or Maria?) sits down to chat with Andi about her intentions.  I want to know if Nick’s sister intentionally forgot pants?  Because man, that dress is short!  It was a miracle that ABC didn’t have to use the black privacy bars for this segment.

The youngest, adorable Bella, sits down with Andi and asks the tough questions.  Andi says she has a strong “mental connection” with Nick.  Bella wonders who says “mental connection.”  I vote for Bella as future Bachelorette in 15 years.  Bella reports back to Nick and can’t really remember her conversation with Andi and falsely tells Nick that Andi loves him.  Oh Bella.  Maybe journalism isn’t in your future.  This is how rumors get started.

Nick humbly tells his Mother that he’s Andi’s favorite and there’s no way he’ll get sent home.  His mother wonders how her son’s ego got so gigantic.

Arlington, Iowa: Field of Dreams 

How adorable is Farmer Chris?  I’m ready to saddle up my horse and head to Iowa.  I’ve got no problem with Iowa, Chris.  And I have no problem baking in the kitchen and playing ghost in the graveyard at night.  FYI, I come with a cat.  See ya soon!

Farmer is sexy in his plaid shirt and blue vest.  Andi agrees. Finally something we can agree on!  Farmer gives Andi a tour of his beautiful house (seriously Farmer, I’m on my way) and his picturesque farmland.  Taking a cue from Kenny Chesney, Farmer takes Andi out back to show off his tractor. Farmer Chris winks at the camera and tells it, “she think’s my tractor’s sexy.”

Farmer Chris shows Andi his entire dell.  He takes Andi out to plow the field.  Andi is disappointed he can’t plow anything else on this date.  She says “he’s hot, he’s manly, he’s burly.  He’s like, the hottest farmer ever.”  They picnic in the field and Andi asks Farmer what she’s supposed to do in this podunk town.  Farmer suggests she be a homemaker.  Andi asks if there are any talent agents around because she reminds Farmer she quit her lawyering job in search of fame.  Farmer Chris suggests she get back to her legal career instead of trying to be an “actress.”  Andi says she’s not as City as he thinks she is.  Cause her family has a cabin, y’all.  And she hunts.  A plane flies over carrying a banner, “Farmer Loves Andi.”  Andi responds with her most sincere ‘shut up.’

Andi meets Farmer’s mom, dad, three older sisters and their husbands.  I like Farmer even a tad more knowing he’s the youngest (the youngest are always the most charming.  Ask anyone.  Ask my mom).  One of Chris’ sisters reminds me of Julia Stiles so I already like her.   Julia raves about the success of their little bro.  Andi’s mom is adorbs and I love her.  She’s so sweet.  Momma Farmer says Andi can do anything in Iowa and the world is so small so there are no limits for a woman on a farm these days.  Amen, momma, amen.  Sage momma tells the camera that it’s an integral part of life to share the good times and the bad times with someone you love and she wants Chris to find that.  I love her.  What a warm lady.

Momma Farmer gets Andi alone and tells her their babies would be beautiful.  The way she says babies just makes me die with laughter.  There was so much gusto.  BABIES.  She tells Andi she has gumption and that she’s a tough cookie.  She tells her to follow her heart and that she can make it anywhere.  After, the family goes out to play ghost in the graveyard.  Love. this.  How can you not embrace a family who wants to go out and have fun together?  My sisters and I played ghost in the graveyard all the time growing up.  Count me in!

Atlanta.  I have nothing creative to say about this.

Josh and his sports loving family are ready to talk sports with Andi.  Put on your helmet Andi, it’s going to be a long afternoon.  But first, Josh and Andi play some baseball.  Of course.  This feels very reminiscent of Roberto and Ali.  Andi wears shorts that she should have retired in 6th grade.  They are so short they don’t even cover her hips.  Come on, girl.  Nobody ever said shorter is better. Josh says that he decided to leave baseball so he could have a life.  Um.  I think you left baseball because baseball left you.  But nice try Josh. Nice try.

Now let’s talk about Aaron.  The little brother.  He’s about to be drafted by the NFL.  And that’s all the family cares about.  Andi is pissed.  This is about HER.

Creepy alert.  Josh’s mother looks exactly like Andi.  Or Andi looks exactly like Josh’s mother.  She could be her daughter.  She could be Josh’s sister.  The resemblance is too much.  Their hair colors are identical.  This gives me the icks.

For some reason the little brother, Aaron, the present golden boy of the family, sits at the head of the table and gives the toast.  After that, Aaron’s done his good deed of the day and is free to talk about football the rest of the evening.  Andi is mad.  “Before I could even eat dinner, they were like football time,” she says with a roll of the eyes.  Andi says she knows it’s a “huge time in Aaron’s life but it’s also a huge time in Josh’s life.”  Really?  Is it?  Sorry but the NFL draft is probably a little more interesting to these folks than their son’s girlfriend who happens to also be dating 3 other dudes and maybe Chris Harrison.

Andi has some time alone with Josh’s mother and his Mother basically says Josh is a momma’s boy and she better back down.  Coach dad tells Andi that if they end up together they will be expected to attend all of Aaron’s football games on Sundays.  Andi is starting to lose it.  She does not want to spend all day fawning over Aaron for the rest of her life.  People should be fawning over her, damn it!  Andi curses the day Aaron was born and heads to her next hometown date…

Dallas:  All my ex’s live in Texas  (A song Andi will soon sing)

Marcus tells Andi he’s taking her on a tour of Dallas reflective of a day in his life.  I’m worried.  He takes Andi to a dark club and performs a striptease.  It’s so awful I cringe.  His undies are so tight and so white, that ABC was actually forced to use the black privacy bars.  Oh Marcus.  Why.  Cue the groans.  Did I miss something?  How is this a day in your life?  Are you a stripper?  Do you like strippers?  Do you frequent a lot of strip clubs?  Poor judgment Marcus.  Poor judgment.

After Marcus wipes the oil off his body and pulls the singles out of his g-string, he takes Andi to meet his family.  His sister reminds me of Stifler’s mom.  I guess that makes sense given the striptease we were just forced to witness.  Stifler’s mom tells Andi that he can be a little “over-caring” sometimes.  Translation: he’s intense, has he scared you off?  Andi says her feelings need to catch up to Marcus.

Meanwhile, Marcus chooses this opportunity to thank his brother for essentially raising him.  Tears were shed.  It was strange.  Why is this happening on national television and not in private?  His mother seems Russian.  That’s all.

ABC Demonstrates Just How Low They’re Willing To Go

In what seemed like the most contrived moment yet, Chris Harrison invites all the remaining contestants and Andi to his house to deliver the tragic news that Eric died in a paragliding accident.  It felt very awkward, inappropriate and exploitive.  That’s all I’m going to say about it.  Chris Harrison’s house?  Icky.  Can’t he hire someone to make that place a little nicer?  Come on Chris, you make millions just instructing bimbos to hand out their final rose of the evening.  You can afford an interior designer.

Marcus was sent packing sans rose.  No surprise there.  Andi doesn’t really see “striptease” recipient in her future.   Marcus is stunned.  He tells Andi, “I wanted to be that guy for you.”  Andi tells him that when she’s engaged to Josh or Nick (I see Farmer Chris as the next Bachelor), he’ll definitely be the guy for her to perform at her Bachelorette party.

Marcus gets in the rejection limo and says “I feel like an idiot.  I shouldn’t have told her I loved her….I feel like she could be my soulmate.”  No Marcus, you shouldn’t have performed a striptease on your hometown date.  That’s where things went wrong.


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That was Literally Phenomenal

Touchy subject.  Andi’s in Brussels.  As in Belgium.  You know, the country who just beat the US in the World Cup?  If only I cared one ounce about soccer!  And truthfully, if you care that much about soccer, you probably don’t read my blog.  It’s all good.

Andi and the remaining 5 men plus Nick are ready to hit up the all you can eat Belgian waffle special at the IHOP.  Whoever eats the most waffles automatically gets a hometown date.  Somewhere Bodybuilder Cody is throwing a protein shake against the wall.  He knew if he were on this trip, he would totally win the eating contest.  He’d even be willing to skip lean protein for a chance at love with Andi.

The men arrive at their new hotel for the week in their mandatory Brussel’s uniform: zipped up hoodies with fashion scarves for men.  You know, I’ve never seen my boyfriend wear a fashion scarf.  I think I’m ok with that.  Sometimes he wears this cute scarf in the winter that he crocheted himself (seriously) but that’s when it’s -40 outside and snow is whipping horizontally at your face and it’s been 40 minutes at the bus stop.  But never once has he said to me, you know, I’d really like to borrow one of your silky scarves.  Never once.  Nick can even tie his scarf better than me.

Chris Har shows up for a “man chat” to tell the guys this week is important.  In case you’ve lived under a rock the past 15 years, making it through this week means you get a hometown date.  For some reason Chris just got paid millions to deliver that message.  How do I get his job?  Other rules of the week: two one on one dates with no roses and a group date with a rose.  Got that?  Good.  Harrison excuses himself — after all the beer, waffles and chocolates aren’t going to eat themselves!

One on One- Marcus, You’re Kind of a Clinger And Your Tongue is Way too Aggressive When we Kiss But I’ve Got Slim Options So I’d Like to Hang Out With You for the Day

Marcus is 25.  That’s just wrong.  Marcus and Andi head into the city to explore.  Andi wears, for the 12th date straight, her white pants.  Why the tight white pants?  How does she keep them clean?  The “no white after labor day” rule is obviously dead and gone.

M & A order some mussels.  I seriously love mussels.  And not the Cody kind.  I like the seafood kind.  Old Ebbitt Grill in DC.  Holy smokes.  Get me some.  NOW.  Mussels, Brussels and beer?  That’s my ideal date!

Ok ABC, I don’t believe your editing.  After they are done with mussels, we head to commercial.  When the show is back on, Andi and Marcus are all dressed up and eating dinner.  Um.  Didn’t they just eat?  They must be so full.

At dinner Marcus says his family is dysfunctional.  What else is new.  He said his dad left and he hated his Mother in his 20’s (he’s 25 so I totally don’t follow).  He says his Mother is not the best.  Son of the year!

Marcus says he’s never felt this way about a girl before.  How can people get on this show and say that?  Have they never known someone more than 30 minutes?

Marcus comes back from his date and Nick starts to scheme.  He sneaks off and heads to the hotel lobby.  He approaches the front desk and tells the clerk he forgot his key and room number and asks for a new key.  Nick says the room is under his wife’s name, Andi D.  The clerk asks no questions, gives him Andi’s room number and a key.  It might be time to review that hotel’s security protocols.  Mr. Andi shows up at her door and the Mrs. is stunned.

You know what I find odd?  When I get home from work, dinner, a date, etc, I immediately peel my clothes and jewelry off.  I throw my hair on top of my head, put on the biggest sweats I can find and scrub the makeup off my face.  I do that within minutes of walking in the door.  Without fail.  But Andi?  She’s back in her hotel room looking all glammed up and perfect.  I’m not buying this impromptu ambush.

Andi and Nick enjoy some Brussels nightlife.  Nick says he’s going to marry Andi.  I say Nick looks like a cross between a serial killer and the Joker.  Andi tells us one too many times how hot it is making out with Nick.  No.  You know what’s hot?  Tamales.  And potatoes. But Nick?  No.

One on One – Josh, I Just Want to Make Out With You All Night Long So That’s Why I Picked You For the Date and I Love Athletes 

You guys.  Andi is wearing the white pants.  AGAIN!  Why!  Did ABC mandate white pants only this season?  Doesn’t she own a pair of dark wash jeans?  She’s also wearing a crop-top.  Enough said.  Meanwhile, Josh put on the tightest shirt he owns to highlight his man nipples and pecks.  Josh and Andi wander the streets of Brussels and sample some local chocolates.

When they are finished, Josh says, “that was literally phenomenal.”  Oh Josh.  Shopping cannot possibly be considered a phenomenon.  It’s just not.  This is a phenomenon:


image source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natural_phenomenon#mediaviewer/File:Polarlicht_2.jpg

For a lesson on using the word literally, click here: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/literally

Glad we cleared that up, figuratively.

Andi complains that Josh isn’t emotional enough and doesn’t open.  So she takes him to a church and has him light some candles.  At dinner, Andi is annoyed that Josh hasn’t said ‘I love you,’ or ‘I’m falling in love with you’ because at this stage, 3 weeks after knowing these Andi and spending a cumulative 3 hours with her, dropping the L-word is essential if you want to stay in the running.  Frankly if someone told me they loved me faster than I can even consume a bag of chips, I’d probably get a restraining order.  Andi fishes and fishes until she forces Josh into saying he’s falling in love with her.  Lawyering.

The other mandated feature of the show this season (the first being Andi’s white pants) is the concert.  Andi and Josh dance to some band called “American Young.”  This is the second date for Josh and Andi and their second concert.  For your pleasure, I’ve looked up the chorus of this song:

Sometimes love is a white flag
Sometimes love is standing tall
Sometimes love is a feather
Sometimes a cannon ball
But it’s worth fighting for (it’s worth fighting for)
Baby, sometimes love is war

Read more: American Young – Love Is War Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Duh, we know.  Love is a battlefield.

Group Date: You’re on this date because I didn’t want to make out with you (except you Nick, I had to put you on this date because ABC is hoping to create drama)

The boys pedal Andi on a “rail bike,” which is a bike/ cart thing that rides on a railroad track.  That seriously looked like fun.  After the guys get their burn on, Andi takes the men to a monastery.  Since it’s sacred grounds, there is no kissing on the grounds.  Everyone speaks in hushed tones while on the grounds.  Andi pulls Farmer Chris outside the walls to make pottery together.  Andi says it’s very steamy.  She pretends she’s Demi and imagines Patrick Swayze’s arms wrap around her. I don’t blame you, Andi.  Patrick makes my heart swoon.

Farmer Chris rejoins the other guys and gets annoyed by game-playing Nick.  Brian tells Andi he’s falling in love with her.  He says he’s never told anyone that before.  I feel like every guy keeps saying that.  Nobody wants to hear that a 30 year old has never loved another person before.  Andi reacts with a  “yeah” when he says he’s falling in love with her.  Ouch, Brian.  That was a bad yeah.  Kiss your rose receiving days goodbye.

Nick says he’s confident that Andi is coming home to meet his family.  He starts to tell Andi how she feels.  It sort of makes me want to punch him in the face.  Like as hard as possible.  He says he can FEEL Andi falling in love with him.  How arrogant are you?  For some reason Andi eats it up and they have a staring contest for like a three minutes straight due to the sacred ground rule.

And what do you know, Nick gets the rose.  He gets to spend the rest of the night with Andi for managing to pull the wool over her eyes one more time.  Andi is super excited to go to Milwaukee to meet Nick’s family.  I’m really sad that Nick is from my hometown.

As for Andi’s rejectee’s?  They are madder than a wet hen.  Literally?  No, not literally, Josh.  Back on Nick’s private date, they play a game of “this or that,” with serious questions like “big or small?”  Nick says big.  Go big or go home.  I don’t totally know what they are talking about anymore but I guess that’s supposed to mean he’s well-endowed.  But I don’t buy it.  And that makes me want to vomit a little.  They watch some fireworks- big ones- and Nick can feel Andi fall in love with him a little more.

Nick returns home to the scorn of the rejected men.  The’ve had enough of his game playing/ winning.  After what seems like 7 minutes of total silence, the men finally man up and tell Nick they want to pulverize him.  Brian finally breaks the silence.  Marcus says he wouldn’t trust him near his sister.  Farmer Chris asks if he cares more about Andi or strategy.  All the men agree he cares about strategy.  I think the guys should play a friendly game of Stratego to determine who’s best at strategy.  Listen, I don’t like Nick one iota but they do all sound a little jealous.

Brian and Dylan get sent home.  Brian has a mild breakdown but it’s nothing the ABC psychotherapist can’t handle or drug.  Hometown dates comin’ on up!




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I just wanna grab you, kiss you, hug you, roll around with you.

Oh Venice.  I knew you once.  And I loved you.


I knew that scarf once too.  And I loved it.  But then I lost it in a bar in Rome.  Oh well.

Andi and her entourage of eight head to Venice to find love.  Andi hops off her private Gondola and lets the guys know the first date starts… NOW.  Cody is grinning ear to ear.  He can’t wait for his first one on one date with Andi.  Guys.  Did you see that deep v-neck shirt?  Cody officially has more cleavage than I do.  He kisses his lucky bicep and starts to head towards Andi.  In what can only be foreshadowing, Andi denies Cody and picks Nick instead.

Nick and Andi stroll the adorable streets of Venice.  I have to swallow all of my jealousy to get through this episode.  Not the Nick part.  Yuck.  Italy’s my true love.  Nick and Andi hop into a Gondola to have a serious conversation:

  • Nick: Like.  I want to, like, talk, like about the cocktail party.
  • Andi: Ok.  Like, what’s up?
  • Nick: It just, like, matters to me, like, a lot.
  • Andi: I get what you’re saying (that makes one of us!)
  • Andi:  I think like, I need to figure things out.
  • Nick: So I was just, like.

After their profound conversation, Andi feels better about Nick.  I feel, like, a lot worse about him.   Andi and Nick put on their finest clothes and masks and head to a formal dinner in some beautiful building, which are a dime a dozen.  I’m left reminiscing about my mask:


Oh to be 20 again.

Back to this snooze fest.  How boring is Nick?  I don’t understand the appeal.  I want to like a fellow Wisconsinite but I can’t. Nick tells Andi that he’s “confidently, like, falling in love.”  With Italy?  With the wine?  With Cody?  With Andi?  With himself?  We’ll never know.  Nick gets a date and of course, a private concert.  Duh.

Group Date

Andi shows up for her group date with her fashion scarf tied around her neck like a bib.  I can only assume that’s to protect herself from dripping marinara sauce or cannoli cream oozing out.  Otherwise, I have no idea why you’d wear your scarf like that.  I’m excited for the group date.  Will they head to the island of Murano and blow glass?  Will they design their own Carnivale costumes?  Will they explore the waterways?  Nope.  They will take lie detector tests.  Because nothing says Italy like forensic science?  I’m confused.  Italy is the country responsible for ruining Amanda Knox’s life.  I’m not sure they are qualified to handle investigations.

But alas, I’m more than happy to hear what these men lie about! Andi takes the men to a torture chamber.  The pro-athlete starts to sweat.  He’s screwed.  If it makes you feel better Mr. Baseball, these results are inadmissible in a US court of law.  But that doesn’t mean we aren’t going to judge you.

Andi offers to go first.  She’s, like, always honest.  First question:  Is Italy your favorite country?  Andi says yes.  I’m calling that a lie.  Also, you should lose your US passport for your lack of patriotism.  Geez. Next: Do you think all of the guys are here for the right reasons?  Andi: Yes.  Oh you poor poor fool!  Have you not met Josh?  Get to know him before you stick your tongue down his throat any more!  Are you falling in love:  Yes.  And sadly, probably with Josh.  The one guy who’s not here for the right reasons.  Open your EYES, Counselor! She also thinks her husband is among the group.  Sure.

When the men get questioned, some highlights were the following: To JJ – are you good in bed?  He said yes.  Ha!  Good for JJ.  To Dylan — have you slept with over 20 women?  I wish I could tell you he said no.  But he didn’t.  He said yes.  Why Dylan WHY!?  And more importantly, why ABC, why!  The next question was is your chlamydia all cleared up?  Dylan said yes.  That last question didn’t happen but it probably should have been asked.  It’s a little unsavory that Dylan is so frisky but it’s also unsavory that ABC is so brazen.  I feel bad for Dylan. And also grossed out.  Sorry Dyl.

Just when you thought they couldn’t embarrass Dylan enough, they asked if he washes his hands after he goes to the bathroom.  He said no.  Ugh.  Oh Dylan.  I think your days might be numbered.

Hey ABC, how come you didn’t ask Andi how many dudes she slept with?  Or about her hygiene practices?  Dylan goes home sick from the date.  Can’t say I blame him.

The results are in.  Andi told two lies- she lied about her love of Italy and she lied about the guys being there for the right reasons.  LIAR!  Three men told no lies (Dylan, obviously, sigh).  One man told two lies.  Two men told three lies (I’m looking at  you Josh).  Who else is a liar?  JJ?  Marcus?  Who is it?!

We’ll never know.  Andi tears up the men’s results.  Gosh darn you Andi.  At the after party, Brian administers a lie detector test.  Smooth move Brian!  Andi lawyered Brian a little during the test but it was cute.  She probably should have stuck with her day job.  Farmer Chris reveals he’s the secret admirer sending the love notes.  I totally knew it was him.   Andi feels like Josh is hiding something.  Like a “girl friend,” in every area code.  The group date rose goes to her secret admirer, Farmer Chris.  JJ loses it.

Second One-on-One:  Cody, You’ll Never Be My Romeo

It’s true Cody.  You’ll never be anyone’s Romeo.  But you will undoubtedly be a lot of people’s personal trainer.  I’d hire you.  Andi takes Cody to Verona, Italy– the setting of Romeo and Juliet.

Andi shows up for the date wearing a skort.  I think.  I seriously have no idea what those things are.  There’s definitely shorts in the back and some sort of unfortunate flap in the front.  It’s like the mullet of the short/skirt world.  She should give those to Cody when he gets the boot.  We never need to see those hideous things again.  Oh and she borrowed Chris Harrison’s turtleneck.

This date is so stupid, let’s just fast-forward to the part that made me want to shake Cody and tell him to pay attention to body language cues!

But first, any time Romeo and Juliet comes up, I always get the Dire Strait’s song stuck in my head.  It’s so good!  Enjoy below – trust me it’s more worth your time than this lame date.  It’s apropos really because Cody’s about to find himself in dire straits by the end of this date (and this is the perfect “I just got dumped song.”)

Really, this date is worthless.  The two pretend to respond to some love advice column.  For some reason, Andi says this is the PERFECT date for Cody.  The guy who kisses his biceps.  If you say so.  After, awkwardness ensues.  Andi and Cody go to dinner and poor Cody is grinning like a love-struck moron.  He confesses his love for Andi in a “Dear Juliet” letter.  He calls her beautiful.  Says she has all the qualities he’d want in a wife.  He keeps talking.  “I just wanna grab you, kiss you, hug you, roll around with you. Do all those things.”  Andi looks like she’s going to throw up.  She looks like someone just told her Dylan slept with over 20 women.  She starts to cry.  Cody is none the wiser.  He has no idea.  It’s just verbal diarrhea spewing out of his love-stricken mouth.  Finally Andi tells him to stop.  She tells him they are just friends.  Cody is stunned.  He looks around for a wall to punch.  Andi sobs.  She says it’s not fair and she can’t hurt him and so she has to send him home.  Cody says we don’t always get what we want.

Hey Cody, if you try sometimes, you just might find, you just might find, you get what you need!  I’m full of songs tonight.

The rejection limo whisks Cody away.  He asks for a protein shake.  He tells the ABC psychologist this hurts more than when he didn’t win the 2009 Hunky Beef calendar contest.  Love hurts, Cody.

At the rose ceremony Andi says goodbye to JJ and his pants.  In the rejection limo JJ says he could picture Andi as the future “Mrs. Pants.”

Andi says she’s ready to get out of Italy.  It’s such a dump and she’s over it. She’s hoping Brussels (and their sprouts) will be even better.

When the show is over we see a little blooper of the lie detector test.  All the guys think the Italian mafia testers asked if they have ever “farted” in public.  All the men laugh and admit that yes, there has been some flatulence in public.  Turns out, the Godfathers asked if they ever FOUGHT in public.  It was the funniest part of the episode.  Oh gas jokes.  You always make people laugh.





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I see London, I see France, I see Andi’s underpants!   Kidding.  Sort of.  Andi and her gang hit the high seas and sail their way to love in Marseille, France.  Upon arrival, Andi puts on a short pleaded leather mini skirt.  It reminds me of a mix between a trash bag and duct tape.    So are they purple, are they pink?  I don’t know but this show stinks!  Again, kidding.  Sort of.

The first date card arrives and the most un-French person ever gets the date:  Josh.  That guy just screams America.  He strikes me as the total “God Bless America and no place else,” type of guy.  The date card is in Francais, so I’m guessing it says something like this: “Dear Josh, I picked you for this date so we can make out all night and I can say “staaaaahhhhppppppp” as many times as I want.  Love, Andi.”

But before Andi and Josh get to make out, Andi has a date with Chris Harrison and the ugliest turtleneck known to man.  True to form, Chris asks Andi, “are you falling in love,” and we get a nice ol’ dose of “stahhhhhppp,” in reply.  Andi admits she’s falling in love with more than one guy.  No worries Andi, so am I.  I fall in love with Patrick Swayze every single time I watch Dirty Dancing.  Same goes for Ryan Gosling in the Notebook.  See?  No biggie.

Josh & Andi’s Date

Josh told Andi on night one that he did not want to be treated like the stereotypical athlete.  There is so much more to Josh’s soul than sport stats, chasing women, illegal performance enhancement drugs, and concussions y’all.  My head is in the game.  I’m ready to treat you like the non-athlete you aren’t.  Until you tell me this date is like a playoff game and marrying Andi is like the Superbowl.  Come on, Josh.  You can’t have it both ways.

Andi and Josh head to a sailboat.  Unfortunately Josh decides to wear Andi’s pants on the date.  Seriously, those are tight.  Careful not to injure the family jewels, Josh.  Apparently they work just fine for making out though since that’s pretty much all that happens on this date.

Snooze.  Rose for Josh.  Two kids from Atlanta.  We are subjected to yet another – ANOTHER- concert.  Andi urges Josh to listen to the words, which for some reason makes this whole thing feel even more awkward.  I don’t want a private concert unless Rod Stewart shows up at my apartment to serenade me.  I would probably pee my pants but it’d be worth it.

Group Date:  Be Mime. 

The date card didn’t say that (it was blank) so once again I took artistic liberties.  Andi borrowed Chris Harrison’s turtleneck for the date.  She takes a group of guys to mime in a town square.  Awkwardness ensues.  At the after party, all sorts of drama goes down.  Nick acts like a cocky [insert bad word here].  He also took a page out of Josh’s book and borrowed a pair of Andi’s pants for the date.  Nothing like tight white pants on a man.  Nothing like it.  Nick says he’s the front-runner.  Am I missing something?  What’s likable about Nick?  Has anyone else noticed his snaggle tooth?  Cody is about to snap Nick in half with his bicep.

Sweet Farmer boy tells Andi there’s some tension.  Andi bullies him into telling her what’s going on.  Andi manipulates the Farmer by telling him that she would expect her husband to tell her everything.  News flash Andi – Chris is not your husband.

Cody tells Andi that Nick is mocking him.  Apparently Cody thinks Andi is his Mother.  “Mommy, Nick made fun of me and my bleached hair, and bulging muscles, and tight clothessssss.”

Andi decides it’s time to get to the bottom of this Nick drama.  She tells Nick he’s “sallllllty,” and that he seems “salty on group dates.”  For some reason the way she said “salty” was worse than hearing nails on a  chalkboard.  Until I hear Nick’s lisp.  Ugh.  Seriously, why is he here?  Andi wants to know why everyone wants to punch Nick in the face so she uses the only manipulation tactic she knows, “if I were your wife, would you tell me?”  Nick replies, “ok fine, fair enough.”  I’m sorry, did I miss something?  The proper response is YOU’RE NOT MY WIFE!  Ahhhhh!  Then Andi starts making out with him.  Give. me. a. break.  Or should I say, cue the groans?

Marcus, the resident Guard-and-Protect-Your-Heart guy is, of course, falling in love with Andi.  Why wouldn’t he be?  It’s only been like a hot minute.  Instead of filing a restraining order, Andi embraces Marcus with a kiss.

The drama continues after Marquel hears that Patrick called him a racist name.  Marquel handles the matter with dignity, class, and maturity.  I really like him.  Marquel for Bachelor!  Andrew denies the allegations.  Can we please vote Andrew off the island?  #gohome.

JJ the pants dude gets the rose.  Nick gets knocked down a peg.

Brian one on one date

Oh my god.  It’s one of these dates- an ABC sponsored movie.  Fast forward. After the movie, the two head to a market to shop for dinner.  The plan is to go back to “Andi’s” apartment to cook dinner together.  Because Andi’s lost all touch with reality, she believes this will be just like a movie: romantic and sexy.  She obviously hasn’t cooked dinner with someone who doesn’t know how to cook.  It’s disastrous.  I once asked my ex-boyfriend to cut up a red pepper and he started to cry.  Seriously.  It was a “recipe” for disaster.  I don’t want to put too much “stock” in the pepper incident, but I basically had to call it off after that.  Mostly kidding.  Mostly.

It’s a disaster for Brian and Andi too.  Brian doesn’t know how to cook- unless a $1.00 Totino’s pizza counts.  Andi’s disappointed that Brian isn’t romantic in the kitchen.  Apparently Andi thought this would be just like the movie Chocolat, but instead it’s more like the documentary Supersize Me.

Dinner is unsalvageable so Brian and Andi head to a sidewalk to dine al fresco.  If you ask me, that’s more romantic than raw frog legs.  In Andi’s unrealistic eyes, Brian redeems himself by taking Andi to an empty kitchen to make out with her.  He gets the rose.

Rose Ceremony 

At the rose ceremony, the guys are pleasantly surprised to see Elaine from Seinfeld:


Well actually, just her hair:


It was big.  Really really big.  It also reminds me of Elvira:


While Andi and her bouffant hair hand out the roses, I notice something else strange about this ceremony.  She has a grimace on her face the entire time and she picks up each rose and holds them in front of her like she’s performing some sort of witchcraft ritual.  She probably has a pot of witches brew simmering in back with the left-over frog legs.  I blame the hair.

Going home are Marquel (boo), Andrew (yay!), and Andrew’s lover, Patrick.  Patrick is totally dumbfounded when he leaves the show.  Luckily for us, he gives us this gem, “I’ve heard from multiple people, not just girls, that I have qualities that are really paramount when it comes to being a husband.”  Not just girls?  If Andrew said you were husband material Patrick, then go with it!  Pick him!

Next week, Andi heads to Venice. I’m bummed she’s hitting up my turf.  I don’t want it spoiled with Bachelorette non-sense. Yes, that’s right.  Italy is my turf.  Is that so unrealistic? Until next time…

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I am EX-HAUST-ED. Y’all.

Connecticut.  It took me like 20 years of my life to finally learn how to spell Connecticut.  I really shouldn’t even admit that I couldn’t spell Connecticut since that’s where a lot of my family lives. At least I’ve got it down finally!  Tonight, that skill comes in handy.

Andi’s journey to find true love takes her to, you guessed it, Connecticut.   Connecticut is a gorgeous state, but doesn’t this all seem so… random?  Farmer Chris says he’s always dreamed of traveling to Connecticut.  Oh Farmer Chris. That’s cute.  As the men settle into their swanky Connecticut hotel (actually, I think it’s a casino), the first date card arrives with Dylan’s name on it.

Who?  Dylan is sort of shy with rugged good looks and he’s an accountant from Boston.  He’s also the guy who cried to Farmer Chris about the death of this sister and brother.  With a little less hair product, I think Dylan could be a model.  As in a model citizen.  Just kidding, I mean an actual model like in ads. Anyway, Andi has this AMAZING date planned.  Kidding again!  ABC plans a date and tells Andi where to show up.  In this case, it’s on a steam engine train along the Connecticut River.  Andi’s hoping the relationship picks up steam.  I’m hoping I can write a blog post about this.  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

When Andi and Dylan are “all aboard,” Andi acts completely disinterested in their conversation.  Even when Dylan spills his emotional baggage all over the train cart.  It was like this:

Dylan: I have something serious to tell you.  My brother and sister both died of a drug overdose and it was really difficult on me.

Andi: Cool.  Yeah, this is really pretty.

Dylan:  No, I mean it was really hard.  Both my sibling died.  Like they are dead.

Andi: Yeah.  Gazing out the window.

Me: This relationship has derailed.

I cringed.  Seriously.  Could she have acted any more disinterested?  Have you ever heard of empathy?  A simple, “I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine what you’ve been through?”  Anything but YEAH.

After the train ride is over, the two of them head to dinner where nobody actually touches their food.  How do they make it through this show with so little food and so much alcohol?  Dylan tells his family story with more detail.  Andi still says “yeah” a lot and makes her lips into duck shapes.  They constantly look like a duck.  Dylan starts to cry and Andi tells him “it’s ok.”  Wait. It’s ok?  I thought that phrase was BANNED by you Andi!  Need I remind you of your “eeeeeet’s ok” freak out?  Anyway, I like Dylan but I do not think he’s quite ready for a relationship and I don’t blame him.  I just don’t see these two working out.  Dylan gets the rose.

Group Date: Whose got game

Not Brian.

The group date takes place in a basketball arena so Andi can see “whose got game.”  Clever.  Andi decided to wear the ugliest pair of wedge sneakers I’ve ever seen.  Those need to join the trash along with JJ’s collection of hideous pants.  Speaking of JJ, he wore a shirt that said “JJ” on it.  I can only assume that decision was made so Andi would recognize young JJ and not JJ in 50 years.

Andi enlists the help of some WNBA players who demonstrate that they are, in fact, the only ones who “got game.”  After the guys lose miserably against the women (girl power), the guys get divided into two teams.  You know the drill.  Only the winning team gets to hang with Andi after the game.  After a riveting game of HORSE, the blue team wins.  Actually there is no blue team.  Team “Rosebuds” wins.  If I were the captain, I would have picked “Team Andi” as the name.  Granted, I wouldn’t be playing for this team if you know what I mean.  Rosebuds include Basketball coach Brian, Eric, Cookie Monster Marquel, Nick, Social Media guy Andrew who moon lights as a hostess picker-upper, and the steroid guy Cody.

Andi pulls Eric aside first to talk. Andi tells Eric she wonders if their relationship is stalling.  Eric also agrees that the relationship is not moving forward.  I have some theories why: 1) Josh keeps sticking his tongue down Andi’s throat; 2) When Josh is finished there are 12 other guys waiting to do the same 3) Eric is an adventurer and Andi just ditched her career in hopes of becoming a D-list actress; 4) their astrological signs are incompatible.  I’m guessing that’s the reason this isn’t working out.  Eric does his best to mend the situation and opens up about his important relationship with his family and his difficult decision to leave his church.  Andi feels like the air is clear.  Eric… as we will find out, feels the air has a giant cloud hovering above their heads that’s about to burst and dump copious amounts of rain, hail and lightening on them.  As I said, incompatible signs.

Brian gets some alone time with Andi and makes a half-court shot that’s nothing but the net.  But then he loses all points when he fails to kiss Andi after his perfect shot.  Brian spends the rest of the night beating himself up while Nick swoops in to make-out with Andi. But Brian’s kind heart still won him the rose.  I like Brian.  I’m on team Brian.

Second Group Date: Marcus: Dangle off this building while I freak the eff out even though you are petrified of heights too.

Andi takes Marcus to the top of their casino to repel 30 floors.  As Andi and Marcus get suited up, gale force winds nearly blow Andi off the building.  This seems safe.  Both of them repeatedly use the word terrifying.  You know what’s terrifying?  What happens when they get to the bottom.  I’m going to hear so many stupid Bachelor sanctioned words like “trust,” “conquer,” “together,” and “leap of faith.”  That’s terrifying.

Marcus looks like he might throw up.  He’s completely silent.  Marcus “conquers” his fears first and takes the first “leap of faith” by stepping off the building first.  As soon as that first step is done, his anxiety level seems to decrease.  But Andi won’t budge.  There’s no way she’s stepping off this ledge.  The person running the adventure repelling company, Eric (joking), eventually pushes Andi’s feet off the building.  He’s had enough of her hysterics.   Of course there is a dangling kiss.  Eventually the pair even repels past the other guys in their room. The guys accuse Marcus of looking tearful, to which Coach Brian yells, “repelling, there’s no crying in repelling!”  “A League of Their Own,” anyone?   They made it to the bottom and everything I was terrified about happened.  Her fears were conquered.  He got her off the ledge.  Blah blah blah.

They go to dinner, he gets the rose.  And because this date wasn’t over-played enough, there was a private concert.  With some band I’ve never heard of. Moving on…

The Rose Ceremony Drama

Well, now we at least know why Andi’s still single! She’s crazy, y’all. Cray to the cray.

But before we get to that, Andi receives a letter from a secret admirer.  Bets anyone?  I’m going with Chris Harrison.

Moving on to the drama…

Unfortunately it happens with Eric.  Knowing that Eric is tragically not with us, I felt really uncomfortable watching this exchange.  It really did not need to be aired.  But, I feel more than comfortable talking about how crazy Andi appears.  Eric asks to talk to Andi and tells her that he feels like she isn’t acting like herself and acts a certain way when the cameras are present.  He tells her it seems like sometimes she has on a poker face and he can’t read her.  Andi acts like someone just told her momma’s ugly and so is she.  She flips out.

In her tersest prosecutor voice, Andi tells Eric he has EVERY RIGHT to be honest and she respects his honesty but she is VERY taken aback.  She is not a TV actress (she says with a flourish as the back of her hand strategically lands on her forehead as though she’s Scarlette O’Hara.  She wishes!)  Eric is happy to see emotion from Andi and tells her this is the real Andi he’s looking for. She starts to lose it more “you have NO IDEA what this takes.  You have NO IDEA how exhausted I am.  You have NO CLUE how it is to look at people in the face and send them home. You have NO IDEA.”

He tells her again that when the cameras are around there is a different side to her.  She responds by saying so you’re continuing to call me fake.  Then he says “acting” in a sentence, completely innocuously, and she went Juan Pablo style flip-out on him. Andi warns Eric that if he says “act” one more time she’s going to flip out.  ACT ACT ACT ACT ACT ACT ACT ACT.  Ok Andi, GO!  At least I’ve got one thing figured out: Andi’s M.O.  As soon as a guy upsets her she forbids them from speaking certain words.  If you ever meet Andi and she tells you she’ll freak out if she hears you say [insert any innocuous word here], you know you’ve just crossed into crazy territory.  Best put on your walkin’ shoes my friend.  And with that Eric is sent home.

Andi’s crusade does not stop with Eric.  She marches into the room where all the other guys were secretly eaves dropping on her conversation with Eric to tell them “this is NOT A JOKE to me.  If any of Y’ALL think I have a poker face, you can say it right now and walk your ass out.”

Andi doesn’t stop there though.  She keeps going, “Because it strikes such a nerve with me that someone can look me in the face and tell me I have a poker face with all of this when I have done nothing but try and be natural for y’all.  Like this is not easy for me. [editorial: it must be really hard getting glammed up and traveling around the country, making out with random guys.  That must be really hard.]  I am ex-HAUST-ed.  [editorial: take a nap Andi.  And for the record, you’re exhausting.] I am SO exhausted . [editorial: y’all, she’s still tired.] And I am trying so hard [voice shaking].  I really am….blah blah blah… this is so real to me.”

ABC decides in light of Eric’s tragic death, it’s best not to show the rose ceremony.  Instead, Chris sits down with Andi to talk about her relationship with Eric.  I guess this is a PR move but I’m not buying any of it. Andi acted psycho and that’s that.  She’s just so tired y’all.

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I Touched My First Butt to “I Will Make Love to You.”

It’s week three at the mansion and Andi knows the only way she can be serious about finding a husband is if she takes this show on the road.  That would be true but for the fact that she’s taking these losers charmers on the road with her.

I’m not sure who Andi ticked off or if perhaps ABC has just run out of money on this show, but for some reason her extravagant travels take her to Santa Barbara.  Don’t get me wrong, that’s a lovely place, but when you consider the exotic places other seasons have traveled, Andi’s destinations leave something to be desired.  Just like this episode leaves something to be desired.

Andi checks in at the Econolodge Beachside in Santa Barbara, where the ABC producers needed to use a Groupon that was about to expire.  I know what you’re thinking, gift certificates can’t expire.  There is very clear case law on the subject.  Anyway, it’s not quite the Ritz Andi was expecting but at least she has some fun dates ahead of her.

Back at the mansion, the guys all sit around in their bro-tanks while Chris Harrison sports a supremely ugly khaki coat.  He tells the guys Andi likes what she sees.  Cody says he doesn’t want to be treated like a piece of meat.  Then he laughs hysterically; who is he kidding, he IS a piece of meat.


photo credit: http://heavy.com/entertainment/2014/05/bachelorette-2014-contestants-cast-photos-pics-guys-winner-spoilers-bios/

First One on One Date: Nick, let’s ride off into the sunset

Andi wants to get to know Nick and she wants him to get to know her.  To make it easier to know her legs and general backside, Andi wears a pair of white shorts that she bought at the Limited Too.  Does that store still exist?  If not, just pick some other store that caters to children ages 10-14.  Those shorts looked terribly uncomfortable, especially compounded with a bike ride.  Advice for Andi: sometimes less isn’t more. Words to live by.

Andi and Nick cruise on their bikes, walk on the beach, hike some mountains and watch the sunset.  It’s almost like ABC read every single cliche personal ad to create this date.  I’m not complaining though because I like doing all those things.  In fact, I prefer it to almost 99% of all other dates that happen on this ridiculous show.

In other news, denim vests are back.  I wonder if I still have mine from 6th grade?  It was from the Gap.  Speaking of 6th grade, Andi and Nick both have crushes on each other.  They head to dinner where they talk about their past relationships.

Back at the house, Marcus is starting to freak out about not getting one-on-one date with Andi.  He’s better be careful before he becomes the new guard and protect your heart guy.

Nick tells Andi that he doesn’t believe in the idea that there is just one person for each person.  Nothing says romance like keeping your options open.  For some reason, Andi buys it though and Nick gets the rose.

Group Date

The boys are in for a big surprise in the form of Boyz to Men.  Sadly, the guys, all born after 1990, have absolutely no idea who Boyz to Men are, except for the cookie guy, Marquel.  He knows.  Brian, the basketball coach says Boyz to Men made him fall in love so many times in 7th and 8th grade.  Eric says he touched his first butt to “I’ll Make Love to You,” in the 7th grade.  I think they’ve both mistaken them for the Backstreet Boys. Andi introduces the group to “her friends,” Boyz to men.  Right.  You guys are about as good of friends as I am with Vincent Kartheiser after following him down the streets of Minneapolis.  True story.


Proof!  My friend!  Anyway, the guys are going to be singing with Boyz to Men today.  Unfortunately ABC did not provide the viewing audience with earplugs.  The good news is we all have mute buttons on our TVs.  Use ’em, it’s necessary.  Even though Opera thinks he’s totally in his element, I seriously wore out my battery hitting the mute button every time I saw him on camera.  Atrocious.  Andi can’t sing either, y’all.

When the group is done ruining people’s ear drums, they head to the obligatory after party. Marcus knows it’s time to tell Andi he loves her before it’s too late.  Marcus kisses Andi and declares she’s the ONE.  Well don’t tell that to Nick, Marcus. The former baseball player, whose name I can never remember (apparently it’s Josh), continues to feign nervousness and Andi continues to fall for it.  Ugh.  He’s just plain bad news.  The date group rose goes to Josh.  Marcus needs to get back to the mansion immediately to stick a pin in his Josh voodoo doll.

Second One on One Date: JJ and his loud pants

I have to borrow a phrase from Andi and tell JJ’s pants to stop it.  Just stop.  Can you imagine what he’d wear when he’s the groom?  I’d rather not find out the answer to that question. As I theorized earlier, who in the world did Andi tick off?  This is the world’s WORST date.  I know I’ve said that before, but I MEAN IT.  And typing in capital letters lets you know just how serious I am.

Why would you want your first date with someone to include liver spots, wrinkled skin, balding, and ear hair?  Andi says the date is about seeing what it would be like to be with JJ 50 years from now.  No.  This is NOTHING like what it would be like.  First of all, you both won’t still be thin.  Second, you’ll have emotional baggage.  Third, you’ll probably hate each other, just a little bit.  Fourth, you definitely won’t both be THAT mobile.  I know I should cynical.  But this is dumb.  The two spend the entire date pretending to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.  It’s so stupid.  I can’t even handle it.

When they are done posing as the Greatest Generation, the two head to dinner.  On a couch.  If eating dinner on a couch is the Bachelorette standard, then my boyfriend and I are definitely living a “fairy tale.”  Other than JJ’s pants and this ridiculously lame date, I like him.  Rose for JJ.

At the rose ceremony, JJ confronts the social media guy Patrick who got another girl’s phone number.  A hostess to be accurate.  Patrick says he can’t help it if women are shoving their phone numbers down his throat.  #right.

Andi decides its time to send home the people whose bad hair still hasn’t been remedied.  That includes Brett (ironically a hairstylist) and Bradley (the opera singer), who cries harder than an audience member after the most tragic aria ever sang.



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I bared my junk to 13 other guys

Now that the Little Dutch Boy and Fabio are out of the picture, it’s time for Andi to find her husband.  There are 19 men remaining and approximately -1 of them will become Andi’s future husband.  Judge Harrison comes in the morning after the first rose ceremony to check on remaining inmates contestants.  “ORDER, in the mansion,” yells Harrison.  Order is hard to establish.  Andi’s boyfriends have been consuming alcohol for at least 24 hours straight.  Chris asks how they are enjoying the mansion.  All the men excitedly respond that it’s awesome.  Who knew a bunch of grown men sharing bunk beds would produce such an enthusiastic response?  It’s either the booze talking or Andrew and Patrick confirming their love connection.

First One on One Date: Eric

It’s time for Andi’s very first one-on-one date.  She chooses Eric for the date.  In case you didn’t know, all snark and sarcasm aside, Eric tragically died a few weeks ago after a paragliding accident.  Eric is absolutely adorable and seemed to live an incredible life full of travel and adventure.

Andi takes Eric to the beach where they frolic (and Eric does an impressive back-flip).  A little while later, the ABC helicopter makes an unprecedented early entrance as it whisks Eric and Andi to the top of a snowy mountain.  Oh helicopters. Romance.  But not as romantic as…snowboarding.  Maybe it’s because I live in the coldest major city in the US but I seriously don’t want to leave the beach for snow.  No. Thanks. Pretty much nothing at all happens on this date. Andi just keeps saying over and over again that the date is epic. Epic?  I guess I thought that word was reserved for things that are truly epic (like once in a life time) and novels like “The Iliad” and “The Odyssey.”  But what do I know?  I’m just an attorney.  And so is Andi.  Andi’s other favorite word?  Stop.  That must be confusing to the person who is talking.  I’d be all like oh, should I keep going?  Should I stop?  You keep telling me to stop!  Eric gets the rose.  Stop.

Group Date: A Bunch Of People Whose Names I Can’t Remember 

The date card says “let’s bare our souls.”  Unfortunately, Marquel forgot to pay attention in the 4th grade and contemplates if that has anything to do with bears – of the black or brown variety. Those tricky tricky homophones.  Bear with it Marquel, homophones are a bear, even when you’re bare.

Andi takes the group to watch the Thunder from Down Under.  Or Magic Mike?  Or the Chippendales?  Either way, it’s a male revue and Andrew and Patrick can’t wait. Truthfully I don’t even know if they are on this date but I’m just going to pretend they are. The men will be “exposed” to the fine art of male erotic dancing.  I really ought to make erotic dancing part of my future husband screening process.  Good call Andi.

The men get divided into sexy cowboys, sexy firemen, sexy army men, and two solo acts.  Yeehaw. Last week, I jokingly said Cody kissed his biceps when he met Andi.  This week, Cody actually kissed his biceps. You can’t make this stuff up.  Why do I feel like Cody will be completely at home as a male erotic dancer?

To assist in the judging of the guys, Andi has enlisted Kellie the Dog Lover (woof) and Sharleen the organic opera singer from Juan Pablo’s season.  Why does ABC keep shoving Kellie the pot-stirring Dog Lover down my throat? The guys dance, and Cody lets a lady shove money in his mouth.  Hard to believe you had to leave Atlanta to find such husband worthy material!

When the show is over, ABC pumps alcohol straight into Craig’s veins.  In keeping with the theme of the night, Andi shows up to the after party looking like a high class escort.  I would remove “excellent judgment” from your resume pretty soon, Andi.

The opera singer gets Andi alone, drops to one knee and starts to serenade her.  Andi responds with an unenthusiastic “wow.”  I am so thankful nobody has ever gotten down on one knee and starting to sing opera to me.  I cannot handle that.  Please note, reading me poetry will also result in uncomfortable laughter.  Meanwhile, Poor drunk Craig is dying to talk to Andi.  When he gets the chance he asks her “what’s the worst part about your parents?”  Andi’s lawyering instincts kick in and she 1) pleads the Fifth and 2) motions to strike the question from the record.  Craig ends up jumping in the pool and prosecutor Andi is unwilling to issue Craig a get out of jail free card.

Marcus gets the group date rose.  I approve.  He’s adorbs.

Third Date: One on One with Chris the Farmer from Iowa

Andi takes Chris to the horse track.  Andi leaves her adult industry clothing behind and picks a sophisticated green dress for the track. Chris trades in his overalls for a pink shirt and a bow-tie.    Andi and Chris are supremely over-dressed.  This isn’t the Kentucky Derby, kids.  Most of the other horse-track goers are clad in the Wrangler’s Chris just shed.   As if this show couldn’t get any more fake, ABC plops Farmer Chris and Legal Andi next to a couple who, amazingly enough, have been together for 55 years.  Isn’t that convenient! ABC was able to find actors for this bit but couldn’t put a couple extras in Andi’s empty courtroom?  Andi says she needs to bet on the right horse. Chris says he needs to pee like a race horse.

I’m sort of partial to people from Iowa, having spent a great deal of my adult life in Nebraska (a stone’s-throw away from Iowa).  I sort of like soft-spoken, farmer Chris. Plus, I love cows. Rose for Chris.

Then ABC ruined my night.  A stupid private concert.  Why do they do this to me?  WHY!

At the after party, Nick from Wisconsin (shout-out to my home state!) says he wants to find a great love, Marquel wears a wild outfit and tries to flirt, someone does a sock puppet show (because that’s not weird at all) and Josh steals a kiss.  I’d say Josh wins that round boys.  Sock puppet dude, you lose. Drunk Craig sobers up and sings an apology song to Andi.  It went like this (out of tune) “Call it what you wanna call it, I’m an effin’ alcoholic.”  Wait, that’s an actual song.  His was worse.  It had the word “junk” in it.  As in the anatomy of a male. To quote:

I messed up last night.  I had too much firefly.  I bared my junk to 13 other guys.  But I hope and pray that it’s all right.  Oh Andi.  Please let me stay.

Oh Craig.  I sincerely hope that my future husband never has to sing me a song apologizing for showing his junk to 13 other guys. The end.

No rose for Craig.  No rose for the firefighter Carl (he’s an actual firefighter and a male dancing firefighter).  No rose for Nick the golf pro.  I have no clue who that is but I sure could use some golf lessons.

So, who do you think is leading the Andi pack?



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It’s Like Anal, But With an M

This season on the Bachelorette: Nancy Drew!  No?  That’s not right?  Oh I’m sorry, based on the b-roll footage of Andi acting as a detective, I got confused.  I didn’t know Andi was a regular ol’ Encyclopedia Brown.  Because she’s NOT.  Come on ABC.  She’s a prosecutor!  Prosecutors don’t investigate their own cases.  Don’t even get me started about the empty courtroom.  Couldn’t they find at least one extra to sit at the opposing counsel table?

Andi is so excited to go on this journey to find love.  What a fantastic opportunity.  Without the Bachelor franchise she’d be an old spinster within a year.   In order to find love, Andi says she must leave behind a good profession.  Obviously.  Honey, you’ll never catch a man if you have a career!  It’s always hard to recap the first night.  There’s usually the token drunk guy, the guy who is promoting a music career, the guy who just got dumped, the guy whose Mother loves the show, and the guy who wishes Andi was Emily.  Like last season I’ve come up with some superlatives based on the biggest losers most memorable contestants!

Most Likely To Find a Boyfriend on the Show

And the winner is… JJ, the “pantsapreneur.”



Most straight men can barely stand the idea of wearing pants that aren’t sweatpants, let alone designing wild pants.  I think JJ might be on this “love quest” for another man.  I wanted my boyfriend to wear blue shorts and you would have thought I suggested he put on a pair of those paisley pants JJ is sporting.  I’m just saying, those pants are reserved for total frat boys and/or men who love other men.  For the record, I’m all for men loving other men.  I’m less for frat boys.

Most Likely to Use Roids

Cody, obviously.


To make his grand entrance, Cody pushes the limo up the driveway.  Something tells me Cody and JJ are not meant to be together.  Cody chugs a beer and crushes it with his bicep.  He also flexes, kisses his muscles and asks which way to the protein shakes?  Andi is thrilled she left behind her coveted job for this.  Cody wonders if Andi is willing to rub oil on his tanned body later when he poses in his weigh lifting shorts.

Most Likely to Live with his Mother

The doctor.


The doctor tells Andi she’s hot.  Andi throws up a little in her mouth.  He diagnoses her with reflux. Actually can we get a doctor in here?  Because we have an emergency.  That hair is AWFUL.  Andi wonders if he uses Moroccan Oil to get that healthy shine.  I’m also not convinced he’s a doctor — I’ve seen his picture on paint cans:

dutch boy

photo source: http://davelandweb.com/tomorrowland/dutchboy.html

Most Likely to be a Freud Case Study

The award goes to Emil. This dude introduced himself as “like anal” but with an m.  To quote, “[y]ou want to know my name? It’s Emil.   ‘Anal’ with an M.” Is that a Freudian slip?  Or is that completely deliberate?  Are you anal retentive?  So many questions, so little time.  All I know is your parents never gave you a CHANCE, even if you did successfully complete the anal stage (chill out you pervs, that’s second phase of psychosexual development according to Freud).  Moving right along…

Most Likely to be a Criminal 

The guy who stole a lamp from his hotel.


Nothing says romance like 1) theft and 2) ugly lamps.  Not the “brightest” guy.  Andi is not impressed.  She plans to go all Sherlock Holmes on him later and get to the bottom of this.  You know, since she’s a detective.   Honestly, I don’t remember his name.  I’ll just call him lamp dude.  I said it before and I’ll say it again, Andi aren’t you glad you gave up your career prosecuting criminals so you can date them  instead?  Brilliant move!

Most Likely to be a Tresemme Model

Tresemme, Ooo la la!  This is clearly a tie between the Little Dutch Boy and this guy:


That’s Mike the bartender from Utah. What’s up with the long-haired men this season?  Is that look in?  Try as you may Mike, but you’ll never be Clay Matthews:


photo source: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/columns/story?page=hotread04/ClayMatthews

And you’ll also never be Fabio.


photo source: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/columns/story?page=hotread04/ClayMatthews

Andi looks around and realizes that’s it. It starts to sink in that she gave up her prestigious job for an opportunity to date someone who probably uses more hair styling products than she does.  She decides it’s best to dumb it down the rest of the season and say “y’all” over and over again when all else fails.  I know she’s from the South, y’all, but that Southern accent seems a bit stronger than it was last season.  Don’t y’all agree?

Inside the mansion, Andrew, the social media guy, and Patrick, who I don’t remember, start to fall in love.  Good!  At least we’ll have one love connection this season!  They fawn over each others nice clothes and Patrick blushes and giggles.

Outside the mansion is Chris from Emily’s season, trying to break into the mansion to continue his five minutes of fame win Andi’s heart.  Chris Harrison clearly hates  his name-same Chris because he refuses to let him in and has him escorted off the property.  I can only assume Chris Harrison hates him because he touched Emily at one point.  We all know how much Chris Harrison loves Emily.  Duh, who doesn’t!  And while Chris might have been edited to look like a crazy person, that award goes to someone else:

Most Likely to have a Restraining Order Filed Against Them

Josh B. from Colorado!  You looked like a cute, normal person. And then you got rejected.  And the crazy came out.  Josh can barely hold back tears.  Anger starts to boil-over.  He says this is embarrassing and his friend made him sign up for this.  “I just embarrassed the BEEEEEEEEEP out of myself,” Josh tells the camera.  ABC realizes they need to get the psychologist to the rejection limo, STAT.  As if Josh hadn’t embarrassed the BEEP out of himself enough yet, he continues by saying he’s going to go call his parents and tell them this sucked.  Josh concludes with “this is stupid.”  Andi, are you sure you don’t want to reconsider this gem?

I’m hard-pressed to say I really liked anyone, y’all.  Anyone impress you?  Do you guys love running your fingers through the mane’s of your men?

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The Bachelor is My Drug of Choice

My name is Kate, and I’m addicted to the Bachelor franchise.  [Hi, Kate].

If I knew anything about using drugs (I hardly think advil usage counts or that bout with accutane), I would imagine relapse feels something like seeing the ABC promo for the next season of the Bachelorette.  I woke up the morning after “After the Final Rose,” feeling like a dirty person.  Shamed at my addiction to bad television.  Tired of riding this emotional roller coaster.   Vowing that this season would be the last.  I was happy to have a break and start my Bachelor cleanse.  Just when I felt clean and sober, ABC went ahead and starting rolling out the promo’s for the up-and-coming season of the Bach.  And just like that, I’m hooked.  I need what ABC is dishing out.  I want it.  Screw sobriety.  Bring on the drama, ABC. Bring on Andi and all of her annoying phrases like “honestly,” and “at the end of the day.”  Because let’s face it, at the end of the day, addiction is addiction. And honestly, I’m addicted to this ridiculousness.

May 19th- I’m preparing for you. (Oh and that also happens to be my Juan Pablo’s birthday, who coincidentally, I still like a LOT MORE than the JP of yore).

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I Would Never Want my Children Having a Father Like You

Just when I thought I would never hate another bachelor as much as Ben Flajnik, enter Juan Pablo!  Before I write this post, I need to take a moment and sincerely thank Juan Pablo.  Because of his completely unlikable personality and deplorable treatment of women (and Chris Harrison), I had nearly 500 unique hits to my blog on Monday!  Thank you Juan Pablo!  For every jaw-dropping, spectacularly douchey thing you said, my blog had a new visitor.  Muchos gracias, you skeezer.

I realize that I might have let you guys down when I didn’t recap the “Women Tell All.”  I was away from home all last week and I simply ran out of time before this week’s finale.  But, here’s a quick summary: trust, honesty, at the end of the day, doesn’t really hate gay people, English is my second language, everyone hates Juan Pablo, and eeet’s ok.

Without further ado, let’s join Juan Pablo in St. Lucia on his final chapter of his aventura.  If you recall, it’s down to Clare and Nikki vying for the pile of male chauvinism that Juan Pablo’s hurling their direction.  Well, that and a dose of narcissism, intolerance, flippancy, and a general disdainful personality.  If that isn’t enticing in a future husband, I don’t know what is!  I’m just being honest.  Eeet’s ok.

Chris Harrison promises the 10 million viewers at home and his live studio audience that tonight will be the most dramatic season finale ever.  Oh Chris Harrison, we’ve heard that one before, just like we’ve heard Juan Pablo say 10092732 times, “I’m just being honest.”  At some point it starts to lose it’s meaning.  I’m just being honest.  It’s time to meet Juan Pablo’s family — the people responsible for bringing him into this world.  On a side note, do you think we have some sort of cause of action against ABC for inflicting Juan Pablo in our lives?  I’ve got damages for sure.

Clare Meets Mr. and Mrs. Juan Pablo and Cameeeeela

Juan Pablo’s dad is totally adorbs.  That obviously must not be his biological father. Clare tells the JP clan she can’t wait to be a mother.  In fact, she’s willing to start some baby-making in the spare bedroom if they don’t mind.  Clare sits down with Juan Pablo’s mom so she can warn Clare that her son is sort of an a-hole.  Clare asks if there is anything about his personality she should know about.  Juan Pablo’s mom says “he can sometimes be very rude.”  Nothing like your own mother throwing you under the bus!  How much of a jerk do you have to be for your mother to basically warn total strangers of your poor personality?

I can just imagine their wedding vows:

  • Clare:  From the second we met, I knew how rude you were and knew we were meant to be together.  When your mother confirmed your rudeness, I knew it was something special.
  • Juan Pablo:  I’m just being honest

Next up to warn Clare about Juan Pablo’s winning personality is his cousin.  Turns out Juan Pablo has a tendency to run away when the goin’ gets tough.  Shocker.  Cousin tells JP Clare is READY for marriage (the word begging was actually thrown in there) and JP needs someone who is willing to stick around.  This is all too much.  Is the cousin basically saying that Juan Pablo is so offensive/ abusive that it’s hard for him to keep women in his life?  Add that gem to the vows too, Clare!

Nikki Meets The People Juan Pablo Used To Call Family Before They Threw Him Under the Bus

Since meeting Juan Pablo’s family is old hat, Nikki decides to wear her swimsuit coverup to the rental casa.  Juan Pablo’s cousin starts the convo, “so Nikki, you’re from Kansas right?”  Nikki is not impressed, “who do you think I am, Dorothy?  No I’m not from Kansas, you moron.  I’m from Missouri.”  After everyone is done making jokes about the bad witch and the good witch, Juan Pablo’s dad sits down to warn her.

  • Papa Pablo: He’s not an easy guy.  He’s always focalized on what he wants.  It’s all about what he wants.
  • Nikki: Mmmhmmm.  Does my side braid still look ok?  It’s really hot out here.
  • Papa Pablo:  No seriously, he’s a selfish prick.  I don’t know what happened. He only cares about himself. He thinks he knows the truth of everything.
  • Nikki:  Got it.  Seriously, can I get some powder PLEASE?
  • Papa Pablo:  I think you guys are perfect for each other.

Mamma Pablo sits down with Nikki and tells her that life with him will consist of watching TV.  Think his Bachelor watching days are over?  His cousin tells Nikki Juan Pablo walks away from relationships when they get rough.  Best of luck Nikki because he’s just so agreeable, if, in fact, agreeable is a synonym for cantankerous.

Final Date with Clare:  I barely know you but I like (@&#(@ You!

I guess ABC read my recent post where I pondered why helicopters were so MIA this season.  They remedied that situation and stuck Clare and Juan Pablo in a helicopter for their final date.  Drama ensues.  Let’s talk about it.

Clare is having a really romantic, surreal time with Juan Pablo.  In a rare moment, Clare and Juan Pablo find themselves completely alone in the helicopter after it lands.  No cameras.  No producers.  Just the two of them.  Juan Pablo leans in to whisper something in her ear.  Instead of hearing sweet nothings, Clare is left offended and confused.  But what DID Juan Pablo say to Clare?  She says it’s too offensive to repeat.  Here are some theories:

  • Sorry about the herpes you’re definitely going to get.
  • I liked f***ing you way more than Nikki.  Ey yey yey.
  • You’re so lucky you get to make out with me.
  • You’re really hot but I kind of wish Nikki were here.
  • I’m not picking you because I barely know you but I’m really excited to BEEP you later.  (Insert dirty word into beep).

Clare tells the confession cam that Juan Pablo’s offensive words were something like “I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but I like f***ing you.”  Aww, he’s such a gentleman.  Could I get that printed on a t-shirt please?  Romance.

Back at Nikki’s house, she resolves herself to finding out what JP meant by his words that shall not be repeated.  He shows up at the door and practically begs like a dog for a  little “besito.”  She tells him they need to talk.  Always bad news when you hear those words.  Juan Pablo does the only thing he knows how to do.  He just continues to beg for a little besito.  I’m impressed with Clare’s restraint.  I would have definitely punched him in the nose.  The exchange was too annoying to even type.  Clare talked, Juan Pablo just said mmhmm over and over.  Juan Pablo says he doesn’t need “the physical.”  Um. Right.  Just like you don’t need air to breathe.

Juan Pablo tells Clare he can see himself with her.  He knows that they will have babies in a year.  Liar.

Wish. Clare. Would. Dump. Him. First.

Nikki’s Date Where Once Again Her Boobs Hang Out

That’s the end of this recap.


It’s time.  But right as we’re about to find out who will make an epic mistake, I realize there was no visit from the ever sleazy Neil Lane!  This show seems incomplete without Neil Lane’s excessive chest hair hanging out of his unbuttoned crisp white shirt and his suitcase full of offensively large, tacky, costume jewelry rings.  Come on ABC!  I need to see Neil!  How else will I be snarky?  Oh that’s right.  Juan Pablo.  He provides me with ample fodder.

The girls get a memo from ABC instructing them to wear something that doesn’t look too bridal.  Because Juan Pablo just ain’t going there. Ever.  Nikki is thrilled because let’s face it, it’s hard to find slutty wedding dresses.  Instead she opts for a blue dress with a slit all the way up to her bikini line.  Way to stay classy Nikki.

Clare arrives to the final rose sight first.  All these ocean views and ABC sticks them in the middle of the woods?  First arrival = bye bye Clare.  Fear not though Clare, fear not.  You’re really dodging a bullet with this one.  Or at least an STD.  Clare tells Juan Pablo he’s a total prick.  Oh wait.  Not yet.  First she tells him they have something special and she believes in him.  Then Juan Pablo delivers a crushing blow.  He says, “Clare, eeet’s ok.  But I really liked f***ing Nikki a little more.  Besito?”  Clare is outraged.  She tells him he misled her.  She says she thought she knew what kind of man he was.  She says “I lost respect for you.  Because, I’ll tell you what.  What you just made me go through, I would never want my children having a father like you.”  Amen, sister!

And that’s when it happened.  The nail in the proverbial coffin.  Juan Pablo becomes the world’s most hated Bachelor.  Ever.  He says, with a smirk, “Whooo.  I’m glad I didn’t pick her. Whooo”  Cue. the. groans.  Hey Juan Pablo, this isn’t the limbo.  None of us wanted to see how low you can go.

Nikki is ready to spend the rest of her life with Juan Pablo.  She is so excited for that Neil Lane sparkler.  She knows it’s about to all come true.  It’s a modern day fairy tale…if your Prince Charming also happens to date 25 women, makes out excessively with half of them, sleeps with a handful of them and then slut-shames one of them, and continuously says offensive things and then blames a language barrier.  Nikki calls that everything she’s dreamed of.  I call that my worst nightmare.  Well actually, my worst nightmare is being shot (I don’t know what’s wrong with me) but this blog is all about being hyperbolic.

Except Nikki soon learns that Prince Juan Pablo is not proposing.  He tells her “I have this ring in my pocket.  But I’m not going to use it.  I’m not 100% sure that I want to propose to you.  But at the same time, I’m 100% sure that I just don’t want to let you go.”  Nikki is fuming.  How in the world can she instagram a non-engagement ring?  But he reassures her.  “I like you a lot.  A lot.”  With a wink to seal the deal.

So what happened after the final rose?  That post will be up soon.  Here’s a preview:  Juan Pablo continues to be completely and utterly unlikable.

i like you a lot meme

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I want to die if I have to hear “it’s ok” again

Saint Lucia.  The last time the Bachelor stepped foot in Saint Lucia was when Jake Pavelka was the leading man.  Now, we’re back on the island and Juan Pablo is the leading man.  I think the Bachelor is sending us a message: the worst Bachelors EVER will always conclude in Saint Lucia. And their initials will be J.P.  So it’s off to Saint Lucia for the overnight dates filled with STDs drama like we’ve never seen before, promised to us by Chris Harrison.

Juan Pablo says he is thrilled that it’s overnights this week because there are no cameras and that means he’s free to use all three girls for sex privacy.

First Overnight Date: Clare 

Juan Pablo chooses Clare for his first overnight date because he knows she’s a sure thing.  He’d rather not have any surprises after 4 weeks of tortured celibacy (with the exception of the ocean transgression).

Clare says that if you told her a year ago she’d be standing in St. Lucia, with the man of her dreams, falling in love, she wouldn’t believe it.  I can only assume she means Chris Harrison. I refuse to believe there is a warm-blooded female in this world who would actually call Juan Pablo the man of her dreams.  I feel sad that the man of Clare’s dreams is about to have sex with two other people.  Juan Pablo takes Clare to a yacht to spend the day.  Seriously, are helicopter so 2010?  It’s all about the yacht.

Clare is grappling with whether she should spend the night with Juan Pablo because she doesn’t want genital herpes to set a bad example for Cameeeeeeela.

In case you didn’t hear Juan Pablo the first 50 times, he explains the fantasy suite is totally private– no cameras– an “opportunity to get to know each other better.  A LOT better.”  He might as well have winked.  We get it Juan Pablo; you are going take Clare back to the nightmare fantasy suite and repeat your ocean performance on dry land.  

The fantasy suite card arrives with the usual invitation from Chris Harrison to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.  JP is practically drooling.  He needs his privacy! Clare is not so sure.  She brings up Vietnam.  She doesn’t want to set a bad example for Cameeeela. Juan Pablo says he doesn’t give a rat’s you know what about Cameeeela because it’s fantasy suite night and gosh darn it, he’s going to USE the fantasy suite.

That leads me to things less disgusting than the fantasy suite:

  • Errant hairs on your hotel sheets
  • The smell of vomit
  • Eating a hair in your restaurant soup
  • Drinking spoiled milk
  • Pee on toilet seats
  • Seeing a nail clipping on the floor
  • Boils.  Like ones coming out of people’s faces.
  • Sharts

Clare is, “just like loving, falling in love with [Juan Pablo].”

Sloppy Second Fantasy Suite Date: Andi 

Andi and Juan Pablo go shopping downtown Saint Lucia.  It was the same date we’ve seen 27 times before on every tropical island.

When Juan Pablo is done pretending to care about the little local kids, he takes Andi in a land buggy to a secluded area next to a waterfall.  Andi is officially the waterfall chick.  Andi asks Juan Pablo what he talked to her family about during the hometown date.  I officially hate Juan Pablo.  His voice gets high pitched and defensive when he talks about Andi’s dad. I want to punch him in the face.  Apparently Juan Pablo’s insanely annoying attitude and voice do not bother Andi.  She’s more than happy to make out with him under the waterfall.

Andi and Juan Pablo chit chat and I get bored.  Turns out Juan Pablo talking is just as boring Juan Pablo not talking.  Andi agrees to the fantasy suite.

In the morning, Juan Pablo said the fantasy suite was good — in fact, he didn’t know it was going to be THAT good.  Andi tells the camera, “waking up, I couldn’t wait to get out of the fantasy suite.”  I can only assume she needed to see a gynecologist ASAP.  She says, “the fantasy suite turned into a nightmare.”  She said the whole night was a disaster.  She saw a side to him she did not like.  Like his naked side?  Yikes.  Andi realizes that he doesn’t care about who she was, what she thinks and what she wants.  Ummm hello! Obviously he doesn’t care about you, or ANY of you!  Andi’s also mad that he talked about Clare’s overnight date and his lack of filter.  She finds Juan Pablo offensive.

I get it Andi.  So do same-sex, committed couples.  I wish Clare would also get it.  He’s offensive.  Period.

Third Fantasy Suite Date: Nikki

I can only assume Nurse Nikki has to go third because all the producers think she’s an awful person. Payback time.  Nurse Nikki wants Juan Pablo to know up front she knows what the fantasy suite is all about and she’s on board.  To drive home the message, Nurse Nikki decides wearing a shirt is not necessary on her date.  And wearing really hideous pants will also send a message: poor judgment.


photo source: http://grantland.com/hollywood-prospectus/grtfl-bachelor-real-world-survivor-juan-pablo-andi-cliff-robinson/

I can only assume Nurse Nikki smoked something before she picked out that outfit.  They go horseback riding and Juan Pablo calls her sexy two times in Spanish.  Juan Pablo says more times than he used Cameeeeeela as an excuse that he can’t WAIT for tonight.

Nurse Nikki and Juan Pablo head to the fantasy suite.  Enough said.

Andi’s Boots Were Made For Walkin’

Andi listens to Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots Are Made for Walkin'” on repeat until she feels just angry enough to confront Juan Pablo.

Here’s how the conversation went down:

  • Andi:  I realized I wasn’t in love with you and that I wasn’t going to be and this isn’t going to work.
  • Juan Pablo:  That’s ok. Eeeeet’s ok.
  • Andi: It shouldn’t just be OK.  I left behind all this stuff and I put myself out there.  It’s not ok.  You saying it’s ok bothers me.
  • Juan Pablo:  I cannot force you to feel something for me.
  • Andi: You saying “it’s ok” seems like you don’t care.
  • Juan Pablo: English is my second language.  And I have a daughter.  Her name is Cameeela.
  • Andi: You don’t even know who I am.  I want to die if I have to hear “it’s ok” again.  I want you to feel something.
  • Juan Pablo: Eeet’s ok.
  • Andi:  Do you think the fantasy suite date night went well?  Because you gave me a really weird rash.
  • Juan Pablo:  I told you I got that from Clare.
  • Andi: I don’t want you to talk about Clare during my overnight.
  • Juan Pablo: Eeeeet’s fine.
  • Andi: There is a difference between being honest and being an asshole.  You told me I was here by default.
  • Juan Pablo: I don’t know what default means. I don’t speak English.
  • Andi:  Do you have any idea what religion I practice, what my political views are?  Do you have any idea?
  • Juan Pablo: I have no idea.  But I know your bra cup size and that’s what really matters.

Whether you are on team Andi or team Juan Pablo, I don’t care.  All I know is Juan Pablo is the worst Bachelor ever.  Juan Pablo says he’s not going to argue with a lawyer.  Since I’m one, I assume he’ll just agree with my statement. But, eeeeeet’s ok.

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We Can Love our Pets, but we need to be in love

It’s Friday night and I’m blogging and babysitting.  Now THAT is a raucous Friday night!  On average, how many IQ points do you think you lost watching a cumulative FOUR HOURS worth of Juan Pablo this week?  Well, in the words of Juan Pablo, eeeeeets ooookay.  We’re in this together.

With 20 less IQ points than I had last week, I bring you this two-part update.  Eeeeeets ok, let’s just get started.

It’s hometown dates.  I practically salivated imagining the dysfunctional families we were about to meet.  Would there be another family with a basement full of dead animals?  Perhaps another memorial service for a dead dove in the backyard?  Or how about someone with some sense?  Maybe someone who sees Juan Pablo for what he is?  A scumbag?  Let’s find out.  Eeeeets ok.

Nurse Nikki’s Kansas City Hometown Date

Nurse Nikki is so ex-sigh-ted to have Juan Pablo in her home town of KC.  She suddenly developed a Southern accent upon here return from “literally” traveling around the world.  Thanks for clearing that up for me Nikki.  All night long I would have though you traveled all over the world, figuratively.  On a side note, could you EVER imagine Juan Pablo living in KC?  It’s pretty much the anti-Miami.  But sure, whatever.

I don’t understand why Nikki is acting like she lives in Texas, but again, sure whatever.  She wants a cowboy (again, Juan Pablo, a cowboy?  He’s the anti-cowboy).  She takes Juan Pablo to Oklahoma Joe’s BBQ.  I like Nurse Nikki only for a fleeting second because I have eaten there and it is delish.  When I’m done drooling, I’m back to hating Nikki.  Sadly, Juan Pablo is the most animated I’ve ever seen him over the BBQ sauce.  Then they ride a mechanical bull.  Again, Nikki, you live in KC – not Texas.  Ugh. This is so stupid.  I really should have named my blog that instead, “Ugh.  This is so stupid.”

Just when I feel like I’ve had all I can handle in the first 7 minutes of this show, it’s time to meet Nikki’s family.  Her dad puts the finishing touches on Nikki’s prenup and makes sure Nikki’s trust fund has provisions prohibiting anyone named Juan Pablo to ever have access to that money.  In the words of Kanye…I ain’t sayin’ he’s a gold digger.  (I’m actually just saying he’s a fame digger).

Back at Nikki’s mansh, JP meets Nikki’s butler, au pair, dad, mom, the family lawyer named Stanley, and the chauffeur.  Nikki’s dad made sure his hair was parted as far to the side as possible.  He doesn’t want Juan Pablo to have any confusion – it’s the republican side-part hairstyle.  (PS, I found this amazing article about presidential hair parting from the New York Times in 1904!) If you are a Republican and I’ve just insulted you, I’m sorry.  But that hair was REALLY something.  After I got over Nikki’s dad’s televangelist hair, I realized she was complaining about riding in coach to Asia.

Poor oppressed Nikki!  Coach?!  How could ABC subject you to such unthinkable horrors? I hope the next time they pay to “literally” fly you around the world, on their dime, they really consider not making you ride in the third class of Titanic.  Or at least I hope they let you bring your au pair along.

The rest of the hometown is a snooze.   Nikki is, like, BEST FRIENDS, with her mom.  And she is definitely in love with Juan Pablo.  Is Nikki’s dad legitimately a televangelist?  He reminds me of one.  His voice seems like it could garner a following.  Her dad basically says don’t propose to my kid.  One point for dad.  Dad presses Nikki on why Juan Pablo is the one.  Nikki says she can’t really articulate it, but she KNOWS it’s right.  Sure it is honey, sure it is.  It’s as right as that side part.  Nurse Nikki says she is ready to be a step-mother because she agreed to double her au pair’s salary in Miami.

Atlanta Andi’s Hometown Date

Again, I don’t know why all these girls think they are in Texas, but Andi takes Juan Pablo to a shooting range.  That is really annoying to me.  You bring someone to your hometown and you do something (stupid) that you can do anywhere in the country?  That’s what Atlanta has to offer?  Thanks, but no thanks.

If Juan Pablo came to my hometown, named the Gayest City in America, I’d make sure he witnessed a same-sex marriage.  I know how much he likes and respects same-sex couples.

Anyway, back to Atlanta Andi.  Andi’s dad is unimpressed that Juan Pablo has spent a cumulative 97 minutes alone with Andi since this journey began.  That’s right folks, Andi has only had ONE date alone with this creep fantastic catch that ABC is shoving down our throats.  Andi’s dad sneaks into the kitchen to double up on his blood pressure medication.  He also practices some deep breathing exercises to prevent himself from punching Juan Pablo in the face.

When Andi’s dad cools down, he sits down with Juan Pablo and tells him the most sane thing I’ve EVER heard on this show.  He will not give Juan Pablo his blessing to marry his daughter “because the person who that is going to be good enough for [his] daughter is going to come to [him] and say there is no one else in the world.”  He follows it with, if that happens with you, we’ll have that discussion at a later time.  Andi’s dad knows Juan Pablo will never be around for that discussion.  Juan Pablo knows he’ll never be a “no one else in the world,” kind of guy. He’s more of a “25 women at once,” kind of guy.

Andi’s sister says she doesn’t see it.  Andi cries.  I think they are drunk tears.  But her family’s blatant disgust with Juan Pablo won’t bring her down.  She says she is CLOSE to being in love with Juan Pablo.  My favorite part of the hometown date was the family debriefing.  It reminded me of my family.  We love a good debrief.

Counselor Renee’s Sarasota Hometown Date

Renee’s son is the cutest, sweetest thing about this show.  I expected nothing less though seeing as Renee is the nicest Bachelor contestant ever.  And that’s the hometown date in a nutshell!

Oh and Renee has a really cute brother.  Renee’s mom tells her “we can love our pets, but we need to be in love.”  I love my cat.  But a cat does not a husband make!  Try telling my sister that when she was 10.  Moving on.

Clare’s California Hometown Date

I know some people think Clare is crazy (namely Nikki) but I just don’t agree.  Laura’s crazy.  Juan Pablo gets to meet Clare’s five older sisters and Clare’s momma (sorta).

There are two memorable things about this hometown date.  First, the Clare clan calls their deceased father, daddy.  Over and over again.  There is something really weird about grownups calling their parents mommy and daddy.  The only time I call my dad “daddy” is to annoy him.  Second, Laura doesn’t allow “momma” to talk to Clare.  Clare tells Laura MOMMA is allowed to speak for herself.  When the two of them go back and forth, with momma sitting mutely in the middle, I start to wonder if momma really CAN speak for herself?  Can she speak?  Or does she not speak English?  Momma done say NOTHIN’ during this sister spat.  Laura says Clare is manipulating momma.  Momma stays silent.  Why doesn’t MOMMA regulate this fight?!  Come on Momma!

Eventually Momma chats, in Spanish, with Juan Pablo.  I guess she is capable of talking.  Just not with Laura and Clare.  That evil manipulator. How dare she ask her Momma for her opinion!

Rose Ceremony

We all know what’s coming.  Three things.  Short, tight dresses that originally belonged to cross-dressing street walkers, Renee’s elimination and Renee’s enduring class, graciousness and dignity.  She’s clearly way too nice for this show.  All we care about are the Nikki’s, Courtney’s and Teirra’s of this world.

What we didn’t see coming was a pigeon dropping a sandwich on Renee’s head.  I’ll be back soon with the MOST DRAMATIC OVERNIGHT DATES EVER!  Chris Harrison you liar.

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I wish I was a Little Dumber

This morning I woke up at a crossroads.  It was 7:30 AM.  I popped out of bed and started to get ready to head to the gym.  I could run 6 miles and lift weights all before 9:30 hot vinyassa yoga.  Then I remembered it was -59 degrees for the 189th day straight (technically, it’s 7 degrees but still) and the roads were covered in ice.  I got back into bed, determined that I was in fact already doing “shavasana” and called it good.  Sorry health, you lose today.

The alternative instead is writing this post and eating girl scout cookies.  Thin Mints to be exact.  None of those 90 lb broads still on the Bachelor would have skipped the gym and opted for 450 calories worth of cookies instead.  If they made poor decisions like me, there is no way they could fit into those cocktail dresses that I can only assume were bought from Miami’s finest hookers.  Those dresses make actual prostitutes look chaste.

On a side note, the Proclaimer’s “I’m gonna be (500 Miles)” just played on my computer, so naturally I started dancing in my chair.  That’s exercise, right?  Anyone who doesn’t dance to that song is dead inside.  Anyway, back to Miami.

 Juan Pablo and his gaggle had to Miami.  International travel is so yesterday.  Renee wants to know if she can just stay at her own house instead of a hotel.  ABC tells her unfortunately she needs to be available 24-7 to counsel/ babysit the kids Juan Pablo is trying to marry.

First One on One: Sharleen, Come SEA my City 

Juan Pablo personally delivers the date card to Sharleen.  Sharleen is disappointed she has to go on a date with Juan Pablo.  She was hoping for a one-on-one with Andi instead. Sharleen and her side braid head out on Juan Pablo’s ABC’s rental yacht.  The duo lays down on the front of the yacht, where they remain horizontal the next 30 minutes.  They have nothing to say to each other so they just make out.  Occasionally Sharleen tells JP he’s trouble.

Then they make out more.  Sharleen tells the camera Juan Pablo is not her type.  Because her type is typically not male, which is totally fine with me but less fine with Juan Pablo.  We watch them make out more.  For some reason ABC zooms in so close I can see food stuck in their teeth.  Ugh.  I do not need to watch this.

Sharleen is worried that she cannot have a conversation with him and can only make out with him.  Sharleen says “I wish I was a little dumber.”  Not to be rude Sharleen, but you don’t exactly strike me as a rocket scientist.  That’s one of my sisters.  Boo ya.

Sharleen is SO happy to be done with the date.  She finds Renee for some counseling.  She tells Renee she’s not sure she should stay on the show any longer.  Renee realizes she needs to increase her hourly wage.

Second One on One: Nikki

Nikki decides for her date it’s best to wear her silky summer robe with a pair of her 12 year old sister’s jean shorts.  The girls all adhere to ABC sorority rule number 17, “shorter is always better.”  Let me know if you’d like a complete list of the ABC sorority rules.

Juan Pablo is taking Nikki to Cameeeeela’s dance recital.  Nikki is really excited but wishes that she wouldn’t have to interact with the kid.  She’s a little excited to size up Cameeeeela’s mommy though.  Until she realizes Cameeeeela’s mommy is a model.  And has on appropriately sized clothes.  Nikki curses the fact that her butt checks hang out below her shorts.

At the dance recital, Nikki meets Juan Pablo’s parents, Cameeela and Carla.  ABC keeps the camera on Carla the entire recital.  Nikki is worried about leaving a sweaty butt mark on her seat.  Don’t worry Nikki, I’ve been there. You’ll really enjoy the nickname “swassy” the rest of your life.

When the recital is over, Nikki’s heart rate returns to normal and she changes into a black mini skirt made of fringe and puts two pieces of white material over her boobs and calls it a shirt.  JP takes Nikki to Marlin’s Stadium, where he works.   They throw around a baseball as I hold my breath just waiting for the moment when her boob flies out.  When it never does I can only assume she used some powerful double-sided tape.  Eventually they move to a blanket on the field.  Nikki seizes the opportunity to ask Juan Pablo WTF is up with his relationship with Carla?  He replies something about the moon and the sky.  Then they make out.  Nikki says she’s in love with Juan Pablo.  Juan Pablo is in love with Carla.

Sharleen decides it’s time for her to go home.  She says she’s “super conflicted and [has] been for a while.”  She tells the girls she is going to leave.  The girls use all their restraint to stop themselves from hootin’ and hollerin’ and cheering that there is one less girl.  Sharleen goes to JP’s room to break the bad news to him.

For some reason Sharleen whispers all of her thoughts to Juan Pablo.  I don’t know why she’s whispering.  Is there another girl in there?  She whispers to Juan Pablo that she doesn’t think she can get to the place she needs to be for an engagement.  News flash Sharleen, nobody should get to a place where they are ready for an engagement after four weeks.  Especially when your betrothed was dating 25 other people along the way.  Sharleen starts to cry. Juan Pablo literally wipes the snot from her nose.  Jesus.  Nobody should ever wipe your snot if you are older than 5, or if you are physically incapable of doing it yourself.  Juan Pablo tells Sharleen, “you’re different.  In a good way.”  Sharleen tells Juan Pablo, he’s different too but not in a good way.

Per Sharleen’s request, ABC starts to play John Denver’s song, get your tongue out of my mouth because I’m kissing you goodbye:

It’s over now, you’ve gone too far I can’t take anymore
Be careful now, don’t hurt yourself when you walk through the door
I can hardly stand to look at you it makes me want to cry
Get your tongue out of my mouth because I’m kissing you goodbye

Read more: John Denver – Kissing You Goodbye Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Bye bye, goodbye!

Group Date: Andi, Clare, Chelsie, Renee

The girls hop on a sea plane.  You know what’s noticeably absent this season?  Helicopters!  How can they fall in love without helicopter rides? There is a rose at stake on the date, which means the rose recipient is forced gets to take Juan Pablo home to meet her family.  The rose lady also gets to continue the date alone with Juan Pablo.

Andi acts insecure again and tells Juan Pablo to “get ready for a breakdown.”  How romantic.  Has anyone else noticed that every single week Andi and Juan Pablo have the same conversation over and over again?  She says she’s worried, he says it will be ok and then she is instantly cheered up.  Same story, different outfit.

Clare tells Juan Pablo about the video her dad made for her future husband before her dad died.  ABC’s way of foreshadowing their exploitation of the video next week.  Ugh.  ABC, how low can you go?

Per usual, the one who acts the most insecure gets the rose.  Rose for Andi.  Andi and Juan Pablo go dancing.  Well, Juan Pablo dances and Andi stands there stiffer than a board.

The rejects head back to the house.  Clare is disappointed that she has to spend another night at the hotel with Nikki.   She says “I want to hang out with Nikki as much as I want to get stung by a jelly fish.”  Clare and Nikki get into a fight about absolutely nothing.  Clare says “Nikki always gets away with just being a BITCH” (emphasis added) and she’s not going to let her get away with it this time.  It went down like this:

  • Clare:  Nikki, what the heck just happened downstairs?
  • Nikki: I mean, I don’t like. I don’t like want to like sit around. And like. You talk shit.
  • Clare: Who talked shit?
  • Clare: Nobody talked shit.
  • Nikki: I didn’t want to be in the conversation.
  • Clare: Don’t cut me off.
  • Nikki: I have nothing to say to you. I don’t like you.  We are never going to be friends.  You can just excuse yourself from my room.
  • Clare: I can excuse myself?  This is all of our suite.
  • Nikki: Oh really, did you sleep here?
  • Clare: Did you pay for this room?
  • Nikki: Did you SLEEP HERE?
  • Clare:  Did you PAY FOR THIS ROOM?

It reminded of a fight 11 year old sisters would have but with more swearing. I  guess that makes sense given that they all shop in the kids section for their shorty-shorts and dresses.  Nikki calls Clare fu*king crazy.  Let me set the record straight Nikki, ya BOTH crazy.

At the rose ceremony, the girls followed sorority rule number 17 (already mentioned) and 43, which is “if you’re worried you might get cut, make sure you dress up like a slut.”  Alright, I hate that word but I wanted to make a rhyme.  I like the word “ho” better.  Please see rule 30, “if you want him for your beau, always dress up like a ho.”  I’ve never seen such little dresses.  They make Julia Roberts dressed as a prostitute in Pretty Woman look classy.  Did ABC dress them like this?  It’s ridiculous.  I have crop-top t-shirts longer than those dresses.

Chelsie gets sent home.  That leaves Renee as the only sane person left in that house.

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I plan for her a very aaaa-ven-tur-ahhs dateeee

Cynicism.  I’ve got it.  When Conan took over for Jay Leno and was subsequently booted so cry baby Jay could have his job back (BOO) I watched earnestly as Conan said goodbye with total grace and dignity to his dream job he held for a only a few short months .  In his goodbye, Conan said something that has stuck with me and always will.  Here’s the clip:

It’s excellent life advice.  But lately I just can’t help but feel cynical watching this nightmare of a show week after week.  Is it Juan Pablo?  Is it the girls?  Is it everything?  Is it the over the top dates?  Maybe it’s all of the above.  But this show has gotten so off course from where it started and Juan Pablo is the furthest thing from wanting a wife.  Obviously I can’t follow Conan’s advice and write this blog.  This whole blog is based on cynicism.  I really hope that if I get to meet Conan some day he never knows about this blog.  So with a little dose of cynicism, here I go…

Juan Pablo and his gaggle of girls head to New Zealand for some make out time. Juan Pablo says New Zealand is the perfect place to find love and fall in love.  Right.

First Date: Andi, Let’s Heat Things Up

Juan Pablo says Aaandeee has it going on and he “plan for her a very aaa-ven-tur-ahhs date.”  Yes, you read that correct.  1)  Juan Pablo can’t say planned and 2) Juan Pablo believes he “plan” the date.  I’m sure.  I’m as sure as that as I am that I’m about to be struck with a lightening bolt. Listen guys, Conan didn’t say squat about sarcasm.

Juan Pablo takes Andi on a speed boat ride in the middle of the New Zealand winter.  It reminds me of our annual Memorial Day boat riding that my family and I take.  It’s usually around 40 degrees and sometimes there’s still ice on the water.  We have to wear scarfs and blankets when we go over 40 mph.  It’s super fun! Luckily at the end of our boat rides nobody tells me I have to get in the water.  No such luck for Andi.  She puts on a brave face and hops into the foreign, murky, freezing cold water.  Oh the things you do for fame love.  Juan Pablo guides Andi through some narrow cannons.  And I mean narrow.  JP’s giant ego could barely fit between those rocks. Clare obviously wasn’t asked to participate in this date because her boobs would have never been able to squeeze through some of those really tight spots.  At times I couldn’t remember if I was watching the Bachelor or watching the 20/20 episode about the man who got trapped rock climbing and had to cut off his own arm.

Please Andi, don’t have an anxiety attack.  ABC you stink. Juan Pablo says Andi need to trust him.  No she doesn’t.  Once again, this is not how you build trust.  Eventually the path opens up and Juan Pablo and Andi are immersed in a hot spring.  Juan Pablo stops and frisks Andi and she does not object even without a reasonable articulation of illegal activity.  No sir, Andi consents to this frisk.  Hell, she’d even consent to a search.  They aggressively make out under a waterfall and JP forgets all about his daughter and setting a “good example.”  Raise your hands for hypocrisy!

After the date, Juan Pablo takes Andi to dinner in front of a geyser.  Thanks to Big Pharma all I can think of is erectile dysfunction commercials.  Maybe JP is sending some sort of subliminal message.  The geyser turbulently ejects water, spraying Andi and Juan Pablo.  Andi pouts that the geyser has ruined her date.  Actually, Juan Pablo ruined your date.  Because you’re on a date with Juan Pablo.

I meant to bring this up earlier but I noticed Andi’s other favorite catch-phrase besides “honestly” is “at the end of the day.”  I feel like that phrase is totally bull.  At the end of the day all that matters is blah blah blah.  Well that’s sort of true but I don’t want the rest of my day to totally suck.  But alas, at the end of the day, Rose for Andi.  Honestly.

Group Date: Come Play With My Balls

Nobody should ever be allowed to come on this show and utter the following words, “today is my 22nd birthday!”  22 years old!  I have underwear that’s older than 22 years old.  Seriously, I probably need some new undies that don’t have holes or snowmen on them.  Anyway, in case you don’t hear Cassandra tell you 57 times, today IS her 22nd birthday.  And because she’s 22 years old, she’s dropping the Pablo from Juan’s name.  He’s just Juan now.

The girls slip into tiny swimsuits that actually used to belong to their American Girl Dolls.  Waiting for them are giant balls, with a slipe-n-slide entrance and some water inside.  The balls roll down a hill and Juan Pablo generously offers to make out with them each individually as they slide down the hill.  What a stand up guy!  If Juan Pablo wasn’t there ruining the ball experience, I would definitely want to  try that.


photo source: Wikipedia

After they are done playing with Juan Pablo’s big balls, the group heads to a cocktail party.  Juan Pablo continues his make-out quest.  In order, he makes out with Renee, Nikki, Sharleen, and pretty much everyone else except Kat and Cassandra.

Sharleen continues to act weird and unsure of her feeling for the Bachelor.  She is fairly certain she would have stronger feelings for the Bachelorette.

Cassandra realizes now that she’s 22 years old she’s ready to take “Juan” home to be Tray’s new daddy.  She feels like the luckiest girl alive for meeting Juan.  Then Juan tells her he has a special birthday present and it’s a ride in the rejection limo!  And a plane ticket home.

Sharleen gets the date rose, reluctantly accepts it and curses the fact that she didn’t get to participate on Emily’s season.

ABC decides to play the most horrific, unconscionable music during Cassandra’s birthday rejection limo ride.  What is up with the sporadic and always horrendous music selections this season?

Second One on One Date: Let’s Make Out But Just Not In the Ocean Because That’s Crossing the Line

Clare gets the second one on one date.  She needs an apology from Juan Pablo after he slut-shamed her.  Amazingly enough, there is an entire Wikipedia page dedicated to slut-shaming!  Who knew.  Also, if I ever dated someone who “slut-shamed” me, don’t worry buddy, no apology necessary.  You’ll never see me again.  I wish Clare could say the same…

Here’s what transpired:

  • JP: I was worried because you felt horrible for being such a whore.  But now you’ve learned from me.
  • Clare: I appreciate that.  I was just in the moment.
  • JP: You will learn these things when you have children.  I couldn’t say no because I would devastate you.
  • Clare: So what are our boundaries?
  • JP: I don’t want to ever let you meet Cameeeeeeeeeela.
  • Clare:  But what did we do that was inappropriate?
  • JP: You made me go in the ocean at 4 AM.  This is all your fault.Break in conversation while JP and Clare make-out.  

Clare is so happy they talked things through and Juan Pablo apologized.

Raise your hand if you’re completely confused.  (Hand raised).  Where was the apology?  Why is it inappropriate to make out in the ocean but not make out with 100 girls in a row on dry land?  Why wasn’t it inappropriate to make out in a hot tub/ pool?  Oh I guess it’s because you didn’t just make out in the ocean–you had s-e-x.  Also, Juan Pablo’s rules only apply when they are convenient for him, like using his daughter to reject people.  Is anyone else wondering why Juan Pablo’s 4 year old daughter would ever be allowed to watch this show?

He is such an outstanding parent.

Clare gets a rose. Juan Pablo makes out with her some more but he’s making sure to be a good example for Cameeeeeela by making out with her in a living room, instead of an ocean.

Rose Ceremony 

Nikki and  Juan Pablo have a conversation in which they say absolutely nothing.  She makes sure to maintain her trend of wearing dresses too small and too short.  This time she adds an 80’s twist with some sheer black nylons and an off the shoulder red dress.  Renee proceeds to prove she’s the only stable person in the house.  Kat spills her secrets about her troubled childhood.  Sharleen cries thinking about which girl will leave tonight.

Juan Pablo decides Kat’s gotta go because let’s face it, he hasn’t made out with her yet.  Kat leaves.  Sharleen bawls.

Next week the crew heads to Miami.  Renee, the only person who has heard of Miami by Will Smith starts to rap, “Party in the city where the heat is on, all night on the beach till the break of dawn, welcome to Miami (bienvenido a miami).”  In case you’re wondering, that song came out in 1998.  Ah 8th grade, good times!

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Cheers to finding love, being loved, and making love

Tonight on the Bachelor…

It’s infinity scarf week in Vietnam for the remaining 11 women.    As Allie explains, “it’s really setting the scene for a good love story.”  Little did she know the love story was about Juan Pablo and Clare.  Sidebar: Allie is the girl who plays soccer and is from Chicago but looks like Andi, who is the soon to be unemployed DA from Georgia, who looks like Allie.  Got that?  Good.

First Date: Renee, Are We the Right Fit

It’s the pretty woman date, Vietnam style.  The pretty woman date  is notoriously the kiss of death on this show.  Here’s hoping it’s not Renee’s kiss of death (even though she’s dying for a kiss of any type).  Juan Pablo pedals her around on a bike in some Vietnamese town.

Have any of you been on one of those pedi-cab things?  When I was young and cute (a prime Bachelor candidate but for that one pesky trait I just can’t seem to shake…good judgment) my sister and I were in Savannah, Georgia when a pedi-cabbie insisted on giving us a ride.  Even though we said no 15 times, we still ended up on that dumb thing.

He pedals her to a dress shop for a custom made dress.  For only $0.05, Renee gets a traditional Vietnamese dress in 5 minutes.  Ahh child labor.  Renee sweats profusely during the fitting because 1) it’s awkward, 2) it’s 107 degrees there, 3) she doesn’t love the idea of violating human rights but doesn’t want to offend Juan Pablo.  I mean, if he’s so anti same-sex couples, who says he’s not anti child labor?  What was the word he used?  Oh I remember… pervert.  After the dress fitting, the Brady Bunch buy presents for their kids while Renee wills JP to kiss her.

Juan Pablo and the only person he hasn’t kissed yet head to dinner.  Renee is just such a sweet heart, I have nothing but lovely thoughts about her.  She needs to run away from him.

Meanwhile, back at the house, the second date card arrives.  With the second date card, we find out that this week’s petulant child of the week is Andi!  She cannot believe she has to go on yet again another group date.

Juan Pablo asks Renee, “Rennaayyyy, will you ass-epp this rose?”  She ass-epps.  Then he takes her to one of these “make a wish” locations that seemingly every country has and naturally she wishes for a kiss.   It was a wasted wish though because JP decided there would be no kiss on this date.  Boo Renee, next time you need to wish for something better than germs from Juan Pablo and the 6 other girls he’s swapped saliva with.  Like winning the lottery.  The only “make a wish” activities I’ve done is breaking the wish-bone from some sort of bird carcass.  Nothing says romance like chicken bones. 

Group Date: Juan Pablo, Clare, and some other girls he has to pretend to be into 

The girls opt to leave their infinity scarves at home and instead wear their pre-teen sisters’ jean shorts.  The girls will be boating down a river in a traditional Vietnamese boat.  JP instructs them to pair off.  Clare-bear is left standing alone.  Dog-lover tells us this is because she has no friends.  But friends does not a lover make, and Clare knows this so off she goes in Juan Pablo’s boat.  That’s 1 for Clare, 0 for Dog-lover. Because Juan Pablo always wants to set a good example for Cameeeeela, he seizes an opportunity to make out with Clare in front of the other girls when he thinks they can’t see him.  Even though he’s out in the open.  In a boat.  Such a class act, that Juan Pablo!

The petulant child, Andi, is not happy.  She did not know she was going to watch Clare’s one-on-one date on the group date.

Back at the house, Nikki tells the camera that going on another group date would have “sucked” and if she were on the group date she might not get the rose.  Then she rolls her eyes in irritation with herself and says,”that would just be stupid, I always do [get the rose].”  Oh Nikki, you are just such a sweet person – I can see why that snotty attitude and conceitedness would translate so well with children.

At the group date, Chelsie says she’s having a really romantic date with Allie, her boat partner.  She’s less enthused about Juan Pablo and Clare’s date.  After the boating trip, the group wanders around and Juan Pablo pretends to approach a total stranger and ask for food.  Whatever ABC.

Andi is still throwing a tantrum.  She starts with her favorite word, “honestly,” and tells Juan Pablo she’s just tired of group dates (has anyone else notice her affinity for the word honestly?  I mean, honestly!) He says “trust me,” and she feels totally fine after that.  After the girls are done in the fields, they eat.  Clare pretends to eat because she doesn’t eat anything but fro-yo.  Kidding.  I am sure she also drinks Starbucks.  Clare decides she doesn’t care if the girls hate her ’cause she’s just being Miley Clare.

At the after party, Juan Pablo toasts to an amaccc-ing date.  They all have the most fun tropical drinks I’ve ever seen.  Andi’s has an entire apple on top (I think that’s an apple?)  As soon as the toast is out of the way, JP decides it’s appropriate to continue his one-on-one date with Clare.  He takes her away to his private room for some sexy swimming time while the rest of his “dates” or “girl friends” wait for him.  That’s not disrespectful at all.  Oh and again, what a great example for Cameeeela.   Perv.  When Juan Pablo finally pulls his tongue out of Clare’s mouth, he decides he better spend some time with some of the other girls.  That means making out with Sharleen and Andi in quick succession. Como se dice “disgusting?”  Perverto.  Sharleen says the word organic again.  I still don’t know what that means.  I do know that I switched to organic milk this week and am totally in love.  Maybe that’s what she means?

Just when I thought organic was the weirdest way to describe a relationship, she came up with this doozy, “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.”  Um. Ok.  That means so many things such as 1) you want to stand out/ be unique 2) you think pandas are the cutest kind of bear (not so)  3) you like bamboo and China or 4) you are really hairy.

Group date rose goes to Clare.  Andi is mad.  “In all honesty,” she really thought she’d get the rose.  Listen, Andi, in all honesty, I will always assume you are being honest until proven otherwise.  So honestly, you can stop saying honestly now.  Honestly.

When the group date is over, Clare fakes going to bed to instead fulfill a life-long bucket list goal of swimming in the ocean.  Well, Clare.  I’d like to call BS on that.  You know, since you are from California and all that.  To use a line from Andi, honestly.  What you really meant was you’d like to fulfill a lifelong goal of having sex with Juan Pablo in the ocean in Vietnam.  That’s a more accurate goal description.  Is it weird that my bucket list goals are so much bigger than that?  Like writing a novel?

At 4:00 AM, Clare rings the bell at Juan Pablo’s house and invites him to take a dip in the ocean.  But by dip, she means sex.  They run into the ocean.  Clare tells the confession cam, “it was like heaven on earth.”  Juan Pablo says Clare was on fire.  Then he says fire like 7 times in Spanish.  “The waves were wild, and we got a little wild ourselves,” Juan Pablo confessed.  Clare said, “we just went for it, and I don’t regret it.  Pure bliss.  In every way.” I know this show is all about editing.  But come on.  These two totally had sex.  In the ocean.  At 4 AM.  Nobody describes jumping in the ocean (especially someone who lives in a state on the ocean) as “pure bliss, in every way.”  In her post-coital haze, Clare proclaims “hands down one of the best nights of my entire life.  We all deserve to feel that amazing, amazing feeling.”  Then she says something about being a giraffe and having wobbly legs.

Second One-on-One Date: Nurse Nikki

Talk about sloppy seconds.  For the date, Nurse Nikki decides to steal a look from the Free Spirit and wear a headband across her forehead.  She also borrows some shorts from Chris Harrison’s 11 year old daughter.  Truthfully, if I were 97 lbs and didn’t have cellulite, I’d wear clothes from the Limited Too too.  I’m actually not sure where 13 year old girls shop anymore.  Abercrombie?

Nurse Nikki and Juan Pablo meet up and Nurse Nikki once again fails to make eye contact while she talks to Juan Pablo.  Juan Pablo takes Nurse Nikki to a cave into which they will repel.  She has anxiety, he calms her, she says this is just like falling in love, blah blah blah.  Same story, different venue.   Nikki finally understands Plato’s Allegory of the Cave and vows to reread the Republic.  Actually she vows to read it for the first time ever because she remembered that due to a Phi Cappa Cappa toga party, she just couldn’t get to it.

All I can think about is this sad Zoloft commercial that used to make my roommate and me cry over in college.  It was this poor little lonely egg trapped in a cave!  Maybe we needed some Zoloft…


When Nurse Nikki and Juan Pablo are out of the cave they head to dinner.  Unfortunately Nikki forgot pants but decided her yoga tank top would make a nice dress.  She realizes she’s one sneeze away from showing Juan Pablo her…well, you know what…but she realizes it’s worth it if she’s ever going to find a husband.  Drastic times call for drastic measures.

Juan Pablo tells Nikki he is tired because he didn’t get much sleep last night.  Ugh.  I bet you are.

Nikki says she is not a morning person and that “not everybody is sunshine and rainbows all the time.”  I KNOW you aren’t….

nurse nikki

Is this chick too young for Rainbow Brite?  She was definitely all sunshine and rainbows all the time.  Rose for Nurse Nikki.

Rose Ceremony 

The girls gather on couches under some colorful lanterns and wait for Clare’s boyfriend to arrive.  When he does, he drops a bomb on them – 3 people are headed home tonight.  The girls sit in awkward silence but Clare, still feeling blissful, proposes a toast: “cheers to finding love, being loved, and making love.”  Clare giggles, the girls glare, and Juan Pablo starts to sweat.  He needs to talk to Clare soon to find out if she was able to track down some Plan B.  He’s seriously worried about this being a reality:

clare and jp

But before that happens, Juan Pablo and Renee finally kiss. Renee was as excited as a little school girl.  It was pretty cute.  I wonder how that kiss would feel knowing he just had sex with someone else?

Juan Pablo pulls a Mesnick over the balcony while he agonizes over his Clare tryst.  He finds Clare and asks if anyone knows about what happened.  Clare says no.  Juan Pablo puts on an “I’m an asshole” shirt and tells Clare that their little love affair was “a little weird for me.”  He tells her it wasn’t right because he is trying to get to know everyone carnally and he needs to be fair.  He tells her it’s about fairness 10 times and when that doesn’t work with Clare, he pulls out his daughter card.

  • JP: I have a daughter.  I don’t want her to see what happened.  I don’t want her to see that you tricked me into the ocean and took advantage of me.  I was not a willing participant in your charade because your sexual prowess overcame me.  You are a terrible example for my kid.  What’s her name?  Whatever.  This is all your fault.
  • Clare:  [looks away, starts to cry, shakes head]
  • JP: Look at me.  HEY.  Look at me!  Listen to me!
  • Clare:  I feel stupid and embarrassed.
  • JP:  I’ll never tell you anything else again since you’re crying now.

Clare goes back to the cocktail party and her feelings are hurt (umm rightfully so Clare).  I officially hate Juan Pablo.  What a total !#!(*@(#*@&#@(* (insert your desired expletive).  What sort of person willfully jumps into the ocean with someone, presumably has sex with said person, and then tells them they can’t put them in that position again.  As though she took advantage of him?  And now he’s trying to make her feel like a slut?  Unbelievable.  Hey Juan Pablo, want to be a good example for Cammmeeeeeeeeela?  Don’t use women and then make THEM feel bad about it.  Or better yet, don’t be on this show.

Danielle, Dog Lover, and Alli all leave the show rose-less and STD-less.  Lucky ladies.  Sharleen sobs over the departure of one of these ladies.  Are you SURE you’re into Juan Pablo and his kind, Sharleen?

So, what do you guys think?  Did they or didn’t they?  Weigh in!

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Post will be up later this week!

It’s taking me an abnormally long time to write about infinity scarves and sex in the ocean.  As soon as I sort through Clare and Juan Pablo’s grown sexy encounter, I’ll report back.  In the mean time, would you rather be a baby giraffe or a panda?

Also, who knew this was a foreshadow of Clare and Juan Pablo’s relationship in 9 months?

clare and jp

I Know You’ve Swallowed Bigger Things Than That

I don’t know about you but I’m feeling pretty darn grown sexy today.  If you have no idea what I’m talking about, consider yourself lucky.  But back to Juan Pablo, who is desperately hoping to find the light to his bug…

Like every good Bachelor love story, the journey aventura to find love, requires a journey– literally.  The remaining 13 never gonna happen potential step-mothers travel to Seoul, South Korea.  I can only hope that 90% of these chicks end up lost and on the wrong side of the DMZ.  Could you imagine any of these people sentenced to hard labor in North Korea? I don’t even think Kim Jong Un would want them.

When the girls find out they are headed to SK, they all shriek and scream and Sharleen displays emotion for the first time EVER.  Is it weird that mentioning South Korea made the girls far more excited than any mention of Juan Pablo?


Clare is totally overjoyed with the prospect of the trip but is really bummed that she “doesn’t even have a kimono!”  You know, the traditional Japanese garment?  Listen Clare, I know you probably aren’t headed to a career with the State Department but come on.  Put the peroxide down.

You know what would be an actual test of a relationship?  Traveling the way the rest of us do.  Flying in coach (which always reminds me of the 3rd class of Titanic), staying in gross hotels (like the time my bed smelled like vomit but my mom didn’t believe me and told me to go to sleep only to discover hours later that there was, in fact, vomit all over the bed.  Thanks for that one mom), eating on the cheap, getting totally lost, and hating your travel companion.  That’s the real deal.  I could fall in love with a door knob if I got to travel with ABC footing the bill and making the arrangements.  Even without a kimono!

The girls land in KOREA with more stuff than I own in my entire apartment.  Was anyone else hoping they’d play the MASH theme song when they landed?  Probably just my family.

First Group Date: Blondes Only Please (and one token brunette) 

Nurse Nikki is irritated that she has to go on a group date.  She’s doesn’t have sisters and so she’s not used to sharing her boyfriend.  She has a strange idea of what it’s like to have sisters.  I have a whole bunch of them and we’ve never had to share boyfriends.  I guess I’ll consider myself lucky.   JP borrows an extra pair of the girls’ capri length yoga pants for the date.  All the other girls pick out their best LuLu yoga pants to match and meet Juan Pabs at a Korean entertainment studio, home of K-Pop.  That’s actually sort of a perfect nickname for myself.  I think I’ll start calling myself that.  But really, I have no idea what K-Pop is.  I’m assuming it stands for Korean Pop?  Oppa Gangnam Style. The girls will be dancing with Korean’s most famous K-Pop group, 2NE1 (21).  I guess I thought that guy who gave us that super annoying song I just referenced was the most famous K-Pop group, but I stand corrected.  None of the girls have any idea who 2NE1 is but they are all excited when Juan Pablo references the Spice Girls.

Kat starts dancing wildly while singing to Juan Pablo, “yo, I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really really want….”  Nurse Nikki cannot stand sharing her boyfriend and yells at Kat to stop monopolizing JP with her lame Spice Girls rendition.  (Most of these girls are probably too young to even appreciate the amazingness of the Spice Girls.  My 6th grade besties and I had the BEST dance to Wannabe).

The main girl from 2NE1 tells the girls they are going to teach them some of their correography moves.  Did anyone else think she looked and sounded exactly like Snooki?  I think this group is secretly from Jersey.  Kat, who has been dancing since before she could walk, is thrilled with this date.  She uses the opportunity to showcase her cheerleader moves, hip-hop and jazz all at once. Yay for high-kicks! Nikki does her best “sprinkler,” and vows not to “pout” and “throw a giant fit” like she kind of wants to.  Way to be mature about this Nurse Nikki.  The girls learn some dance moves, Kat dances her k-pop butt off, Nikki glares at her and rolls her eyes, and the ex-NFL dancer Cassandra demonstrates why she’s an “ex” NFL dancer.  Seriously, shouldn’t she be a great dancer?  I don’t understand!  In a SHOCKING twist, the girls find out they will be joining 2NE1 on stage as “backup dancers” at the local mall where 150,000 screaming prepubescent teenagers will be screaming for One Direction 2NE1.  More Nikki glaring, more Kat dancing.

At the after party, Nurse Nikky continues to be a Negative Nancy, saying that Kat acts one way when the cameras aren’t around and then says, “who wants some guacamole,” when the cameras are around.  I’m not totally sure what that means.  You’d have to see the clip.  Nikki is starting to annoy me.  Is it editing?  Or is she just kind of snotty?   She calls Kat fake and says nobody can be that “on” all the time.  Well, if you are naturally a debbie downer, that’s true -you cannot comprehend happiness.  Nikki uses her alone time to whine to JP and proves again that whining works.  She tells the camera, “this isn’t a game for me.”  Oh, taking a line from AshLee!  This isn’t just some silly little game! Rose for Nikki.

Second Date: Sharleen, Are You My Seoul Mate? 

The answer to that is a resounding NO.   Sharleen puts on her puffiest pair of shorts and a pair of black sheer nylons and declares herself ready to explore Seoul — the city and JP’s.  They eat some exotic food and then head to a tea-house for some unenthusiastic conversation.  It was like this:

  • Sharleen: [monotone] I have the most random degree in music.
  • JP: That’s ok, it’s what you do for a living.  I can’t wait to hear you sing.
  • Sharleen:  UGH.
  • Sharleen: [monotone] You are kinda cheeky.  It makes you interesting.  And Not. Bland.*
  • JP:  Bland?
  •  Sharleen: [monotone] It means you aren’t devoid of flavor. Learn English.  UGH.
  • Sharleen: [even more monotone] You are not bland.  And that is a very good thing (uttered in the most uninterested way possible).

*Footnote: I believe the psychological term for this is projecting, because Sharleen is in fact, insanely bland.  Plain white rice has more flavor than Sharleen.

After tea, JP takes Sharleen to some empty square so Sharleen can sing a few lines from The Little Mermaid.  Sharleen proclaims she NEVER does this on a first date.  EVER.  But for him, she does it.  Then they do their awkward make-out thing.  They head to dinner where basically Sharleen says she doesn’t like children, including his.  For some reason she still gets the rose. Cold fish.

Third Date: Korean Karaoke, Fishy Feet and Brunettes Only (one token blonde)

How the heck is the dog-lover still on this show?  Geesh.  The first stop is to sing a little Korean karaoke.  The girls yell and giggle, it’s just like, so much fun.  Next JP takes the girls to a place called Dr. Fish where the fish eat the dead skin off their feet.  Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, is all I heard for the next 5 minutes of this date.  So much shrillness.  Then they wander the streets of Seoul and eat exotic foods.  Clare fakes repulsion and finally agrees to eat a piece of octopus before fake gagging.  Kelly, the dog lover, is annoyed, “her piece was literally this big (holding fingers together to demonstrate size), and I know you’ve swallowed bigger things than that.”  Oh snap.

When darkness falls, the girls head to a cocktail party with Juan Paul.  JP pulls Renee aside first for some one-on-one time.  Renee tells the camera that she hasn’t had the opportunity to kiss him yet, but she’s hoping tonight’s the night (in the word’s of Rod Stewart).  Renee asks Juan Pablo what Cameeeela would think if she saw her kiss him?  Juan Pablo deflects and asks what her son would think?  Then he tells her he needs to set a good example for Cameeeeela.  He tells the camera he’s already kissed six (6) girls so far and so he better stop locking lips with everyone who asks.  You know what doesn’t seem like a good example (well besides being on this show to begin with and running around kissing 6 people), using your child as the excuse when really, you’re just not into Renee.  He tells Renee he’s not in a hurry and let’s her down gently.  Renee respects him but compares not kissing Juan Pablo to being waterboarded.  She actually said “torture,” so I used the opportunity to insert a form of recognized torture.

As the girls sit around talking about kissing Juan Pablo, the seed is planted in Lauren’s mind that maybe it’s time to try to kiss him too.  Lauren pulls him aside and asks him to dance with her.  Considering he’s told the camera 27 times that his future wife needs to enjoy dancing, you’d think she’d be speaking his language (finally).  But he’s just not into it.  In her best Spanish she asks him for a kiss, to which he replies, “sorry.”  Oh man.  My heart sank for her.  And my rage against him grew.  She asks why?  And he said, “I have a daughter, and I don’t want her to see Daddy kissing a bunch of other girls.”  Um.  I’m sorry.  Did I hear that correctly?  You don’t want her to see you kissing a bunch of people, even though you’ve ALREADY KISSED SIX?  How dumb do you think Lauren is?  She knows you’ve kissed all those people, you stupido.  The rejection was palpable.  What I really hate about this is that she was really vulnerable and his rejection of her was cruel.  He can kiss whomever he wants but you can’t tell her you don’t want to kiss her because of Cameeeeela.  As we see 15 seconds later while you chew on Clare’s bottom lip, Cameeeeeela isn’t going to stop you from kissing anyone.

For the record, here’s who JP has kissed on camera:

  • Cameeeeeeeeeela
  • Des
  • Sharleen
  • Clare
  • Andi
  • Cassandra
  • Chelsea
  • Nurse Nikki
  • Chris Harrison
  • Not Lauren or Renee

Rose for Andi.  Rejection for Lauren.  Poor thing.  You’re too normal for this nonsense anyway.

Rose Ceremony 

Monotone Sharleen is very happy to have a rose tonight.  Even if her voice doesn’t register emotion, she’s still very happy.  Nikki borrows a dress from her 14 year old sister and asks the dog lover to sew her into it.  She says that just because she has the rose does not mean she’s forgoing her time with Juan Pablo tonight.  It’s her time to be selfish, gosh darn it.  During the one-on-one time Nikki becomes paranoid that Juan Pablo is hinting at drama in the house.  Nikki declares war on Clare who was just talking to Juan Pablo before Nikki interrupted.  Nikki tells the Dog-lover about her conversation with Juan Pablo and her theory that Clare is bad-mouthing her .  Dog-lover uses the opportunity to stir the pot when Clare sits down with her and Nikki.

  • Dog Lover: Umm, I feel really awkward.
  • Clare: Why?
  • Dog Lover: Because Nikki says that you hate her.
  • Clare:  What?
  • Dog Lover:  You told Juan Pablo that Nikki is causing drama in the house. I feel super awkward sitting between you guys because it is like, really tense.  And I didn’t even cause any of this drama. I’m just a dog-lover.
  • Clare:  I have no idea what you’re talking about.
  • Dog Lover:  So tense.
  • Clare:  Ok whatever.   Juan Pablo and I just make out when we’re together.  We never talk.

Dog lover is a real female dog, if you know what I mean.  Why is she still ON this show?

When the roses are handed out, Lauren and Elise are left empty handed.  How amazing was Juan Pablo’s lip-syncing to K-Pop at the end of the night?  It was the most I’ve ever liked him.

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This Sucks, I mean do I look athletic at all?

Can someone please wake me up when it’s hometown dates?  Because I just fell asleep.  What a snooze fest! Is Juan Pablo the most boring bachelor in the history of bachelors?  I think I’d have a more interesting time watching paint dry.  Or watching the grass grow.  Or rewatching Jake Pavelka’s season.  But for you, my hopefully equally judgmental loyal readers, I will persevere and give you what you came here for: snark and sarcasm (are those the same things?)  Remind me to research that.

It’s week three at El Grande Casa (does that roughly translate into mansion in Spanish?  I haven’t a clue; I took German.  If anyone is interested, mansion in German is villa, which is oddly disappointing for a German word.  I think it should be more like großhaus, which translates to big house.)  Wow, I have deviated majorly off course!  Anyway, half the girls are bummed their “boyfriend” is dating “25 other girls,” half the girls really hope a modeling agency is watching the show, and another half of the girls is convinced Juan Pablo is “the one.”  I realize that three halves is more than a whole but I’m a lawyer, not a mathematician.  In sum, the show is as predictable as Miley Cyrus’ tongue sticking out in every photo.  She’s just bein’ Miley.  So what happened this week?  Well there were two one-on-one dates, a group date, an impromptu breakfast/ pool party, crying, and a wholeeeee bunch of awkwardness.  This week I’m focusing on the top five most awkward moments in order from least awkward (level of awkwardness example: I’d rather run into someone who took me on the world’s worst date than re-watch what just happened) to most awkward (level of awkwardness example: I’d rather have to seek  a paternity test from three people than re-watch what just happened.  Just so the record is clear, that statement was for shock purposes only.  I’d actually consider flinging myself off a bridge if that were my life.  The point is, that’s pretttty awkward yet less awkward than the MOST awkward thing that happened last night.  Confusing much?)  So without further ado:

5. Cassandra’s Last Date

Cassandra received the first one-on-one date with Juan Pablo.  Juan Pablo says he won’t waste her time if he knows he doesn’t “feel it” because she has a bambino.  He’s totally fine wasting everyone else’s time though.  Cassandra is thrilled because she tells us 15 times that she hasn’t been on a date in 3 years.  Just for your recollection, Cassandra is 21.  Yes, you read that correct- 21 years old.  Like not old enough to rent a car .  And she has a two year old.  So her last date was when she was 18.  18!  The first year she could legally vote for a president.  She was also probably still in high school.  I can only assume her baby daddy is the last date she had.  Apparently that was a verrrrrry good date.  Awkward.

Besides the awkwardness that ensues when Cassandra reminds us she was only 18 years old three years ago, I did have slight date envy (if I could pick my own date- not Juan Pablo).  How fun was that water-car?!  Or a “Wisconsin duck,” as they call it where I come from.  Anyone who has been to the Wisconsin Dells knows what I’m talking about.  Hey, maybe they should travel to the Dells!  Plenty of bikini wearing opportunities.   Cassandra giggles a ton and in between giggles declares this the best date ever.  Any date that involves creepy crotch grinding disguised as “salsa” with a stranger is usually the best date ever. Amirite?  (Mom, that’s internet lingo for “am I right.”)  Oh my gosh.  And did you see her PANTS?!  That’s awkward just on their own.  Did she paint them on?  Is it body paint?

cassandra pants

Rose for Cassandra, baby Trey, and those tight tight pants.  This is awkward too:


That must have been right after her last date!

4.  Kelly’s Make-Up

We knew it was only a matter of time before ABC incorporated a soccer date into the show.  Juan Pablo and his “ladies” head to the LA Galaxy stadium for a friendly game of soccer.  And you know what I always find necessary for a good game of soccer?  Make up.  And lots of it.  Like a clown.  Or a drag-queen.

Kelly tells the camera, “This sucks, I mean do I look athletic at all?  And those balls hurt.”  No Kell, you definitely don’t look athletic.  You look like you’re ready to enter the Key West 11:00 PM drag-queen show.


Obviously make up is Miss Kelly’s thang.  Later in the episode, Juanny stops by the mansion to cook the girls breakfast, hoping to see them in their “natural” states.  Much to Kelly’s horror, she encounters Juan Pablo before she had time to “put on her face.”  Her clown face I guess.  Kelly, you actually looked MUCH cuter in your glasses and PJs than with the make-up caked on.

3.  Elise Calls Chelsie a Little Girl 10000 times

Elise is convinced she will get the second one-on-one date with JP because she’s a woman, not a little girl.  The date card finally arrives and Elise is ecstatic that it’s finally her time for a date.  She envisions the perfect night ahead when all the sudden her dream is interrupted by the name “Chelsie.”  Elise’s jaw drops.  She quickly closes it when she realizes the ABC camera is zoomed in on her face.  She tells the camera everything went blank.  She  says, “I’m just not sure she’s [Chelsie] ready to be a step-mom.  She seems like a baby to me.”  Then she takes it a step further saying, “I don’t know if having another daughter is what he wants.”

Oh man, Elise.  You are pretty annoying.  You know what is not mature, wifely or motherly?  Constantly calling someone a little girl.  The only one who seems to fit that description right now is you!  Jealous much?  Shesh. And also, Juan Pablo might actually want another daughter.

The Little Girl Chelsie leaves for her date and Elise searches the mansion for anyone willing to listen to her little girl theory.  She finds, Cassandra, the 21 year old.  The youngest girl in the house.  We hear the same spiel again and it goes something like this:

  • Elise: Chelsie is such an effing little girl.  She’s just so young!!
  • Cassandra: I know, she is young, huh?
  • Elise:  Yes, she’s like 25.  She can’t be a Mother.  Or a wife.
  • Cassandra: Oh, but I’m younger than Chelsie.   I’m 21 AND a Mother.
  • Elise: Yeah, but you look old.

4.  Juan Pablo Induces an Anxiety Attack and Doesn’t Even Care

The Little Girl, Chelsie, gets the second juan-on-juan date.  Juan Pablo explains that in a relationship trust is very important and he wants to see if she trusts him.  And because ABC loves to exploit people’s fears, JP takes Chelsie to a bridge to jump off.

Suddenly I feel like the little girl.  Whenever I did something moderately stupid (probably really stupid) and when pressed for an explanation for my behavior, I’d often whine, “but everyone was doing it!”  My mom would get mad and yell, “oh so if all your friends jumped off a bridge, you would too?”  I’m sure every kid was asked that by their parents at some point in their life. [crickets chirping].  No?  Just me?  Well I’ve since learned not jump off bridges, proverbial or otherwise, just because everyone else is doing it.

And I wish Chelsie’s mom would have asked her that question too.  As C & JP perch on the bridge’s ledge, Chelsie begins to shake and cry.  I am worried she might faint.  This is seriously what a panic attack looks like.  Somebody lay her down and get her feet in the air!  But instead of telling Chelsie she doesn’t have to jump off the bridge if it’s causing her this much anxiety, he says to her “just do it for me.”  And he tells her to trust him.

just jump

Trust you?  Um that doesn’t even make sense.  The only things to trust are the bungee cord and the safety harness.  How is a tandem jump a trust exercise?  Juan Pablo cannot control Chelsie plummeting to her death.  And also, I’d rather not plummet to my death strapped to a total stranger.  And you know what else I don’t want to do?  Go on a date that causes me an anxiety attack and when I tell my date this he says, “do it any way.”  Um no thanks!  Come si dice, “a-hole?”  Only after Chelsie is moments away from fainting does Juan Pablo tell her she doesn’t have to do it if she doesn’t really want to.  Suddenly, Chelsie has a change of heart and leaps off.  I can only assume ABC stopped by with some xanax.  Or body doubles.


Rose for trusting Chels.  I know that together Chelsie and Juan Pablo can overcome anything now.  Cue the groans.

And the most AWKWARD thing that happened this week that made me actually hide underneath my blanket begging for it to stop was…

5.  Sharleen’s God-awful Kiss

After the soccer date, JP leads Sharleen down to the soccer field for some juan-on-juan time.  Shar tells the camera, in the most monotone voice EVER that she’s nervous because “there’s just some chemistry there that you don’t find every day.”  Weird.  Two weeks ago you said you didn’t feel anything and didn’t think you should accept the rose.  You thought there would be more “insta-chemistry.”  Make up your mind.  For the record, I was also not very good at chemistry.  Elements are so hard!

Shar and JP sit down on a blanket and Shar tells JP she’s been thinking about the time they have and “how organic it feels.”  I seriously have no idea what that means.  Free of hormones?  No GMOs?  Natural?

PS – that’s an awesome song.  Anyway, the next thing that happened will be etched in my brain forever.  It’s like living through a traumatic moment and replaying it over and over and over again.  JP leans in to kiss Sharleen.  She leans away from him, licks her lips, then attacks him with her tongue.  I don’t even know what I just watched.  Juan Pablo doesn’t know what just happened either but he suddenly feels like he’s 15 again but not in a good way.   He abruptly ends the kiss.  Sharleen asks for a re-do after she says she’s “still trying to figure it out.”  Kissing?  Come on Sharleen.  You’re too old to be trying to “figure it out.”  Icky.  Round two was just as awful and gross.  Her mouth was disgustingly open while his was closed.  It was just so cringe-worthy.

Kelly, the dog lover, gives Sharlene this meme to make her feel better:


At the rose ceremony JP said goodbye to Free Spirit and Christy (who nobody remembered).  Let’s hope next week I don’t have to hide behind my blanket quite so many times.  What did you find awkward? Does anyone else think Sharleen needs to go?  Something just ain’t right with that sista.


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That’s what life is about – straddling people. And things.

It’s week two at the mansh, amigos!  That means El Guapo (who LOVED the Three Amigos growing up and was stunned to learn “el guapo” means “handsome one” in Spanish? This girl!)  is one week closer to finding a new mama for Cameeeela.  And that  prospective new mommy is one step closer to becoming the next Bachelorette.  What tactics will be employed to try to land Mr. Pablo?  Full frontal nudity?  Check.  Tiny bikinis?  Check.  Straddling?  Check.  Teenage motherhood?  Check.  

Clare offers to frost Juan Pablo’s tips at no cost for the duration of the Bachelor in exchange for the first date.  He agrees with this arrangement; his hair isn’t going to dye itself.  JP arrives at La Casa Bach to pick up Clare in his ABC issued car.  Not nearly as cool as Des’ adorable aqua Bentley – are you slipping ABC?

Juan walks into the living room where 18 vultures women stalk their prey greet him.  They are almost all holding wine glasses but I assume they took turns taking tequila shots off of the Free Spirit’s stomach before JP arrived.  Clare puts on her best Amelia Earhart coat (in LA, in the summer) and they head out on their date. 


I heard aviation is huge this fashion season.  Instead of goggles, Juan decides it’s necessary to blindfold Clare during the car ride.  Clare instantly starts referencing 50 Shades of Gray and confesses to the camera she always hoped JP would be a little bit like Christian Gray.  JP says that as a Latin Lover he gives lots of surprises, which in this case included making poor Clare motion sick.  Not quite the blindfold experience she had in mind.  Despite Clare having to throw up out the window, Clare proclaims JP smells so good, “like Heaven in a bottle.”  But I suppose compared to vomit, he probably does smell pretty good.

To my surprise, Juan Pablo drives Clare all the way to Minnesota.  Now I’m really glad I’m not on this stupid show.  If I had flown all the way to LA and was taken to some fake snow scene, I think I would have freaked out.  I would have demanded an island date immediately.  But alas, the couple was actually still in LA.  They borrowed Hugh Hefner’s snow machine to create a winter wonderland (I may have seen an episode or two of the Girls Next Door to know that Hugh does in fact have a snow machine).  But Clare-bear is less cynical about cold than I am and she giggles like a school girl the entire time.  Seriously, it was nothing but “he-he-he-he-he-he-he,” for the entire date.

Meanwhile, back at La Casa Bach, Lucy is heating things up by soaking topless in the hot tub.  She decides it’s a good time to tell the girls about her bra burning rally she has planned next week on the driveway.  All Bachelor contestants, past and present, are encouraged to participate. Swimsuit tops are an acceptable item to burn too.


Back at the date Clare says this fairy-tale date is the best ever and it’s just fab.  She’s ready to marry Juan Pablo.  Clare turns the conversation serious and tells JP about her Father dying.  Pabs offers no condolences at ALL.  Apparently his heart is too frozen from the fake snow.  Rose for Clare. Clare takes that as in invitation to start aggressively making out with Juanny in the hot tub.  First hot tub make out of the season!  And because this show is stupidly predictable, a private concert suddenly starts with some unknown dude.  Ugh.  Clare declares this the best date she’s ever had.  She should just move to Minneapolis – every date involves snow Clare, starting with first pushing your car and a stranger’s out of the snow!

The second one-on-one date goes to Kat, with the world’s cutest dimples.  This date is so stupid I almost don’t want to write about it.  I think it’s officially the worse date in Bachelor history – I’d rather watch them do a stupid play in a park than see another date like this.  That’s sayin’ something because I HATE the play dates!  The date starts out promising on ABC’s private jet.  Until Juan P appears in some ugly neon light-up tracksuit midway through the flight.  Kat is contractually obligated to put on some equally obnoxious light-up clothes and the plane lands in… Utah.  He took her to the “Electric Run, ” which looks like the most annoying race on the planet (in case you are wondering, it’s $55.00 a person – to run 3.2 miles- dressed in neon).  The couple joins a giant mass of people all dressed up in neon and glow-things.  JP proceeds to jump around and scream like an annoying frat boy.  I never saw any actual running but apparently they did and at the conclusion of the “race,” Juan and Kat take the stage for more jumping and yelling.  What  a date.  I can’t believe I’m saying this (especially because I’m actually a runner) but I’d rather be on the fake Minnesota date.  Rose for Kat even though they never exchanged any words to each other.

Back at La Casa, the girls receive the third date card, which is a group date.  Lucy worries how she will get JP’s attention if she can’t flash him on the date.  I’m not sure Lucy makes the best hippy – a true bra burning hippy would never want JP to see her only as a sex object.  The girls put on their shortest dresses possible and join Juan Pablo on a date to shoot a photo campaign with dogs.  The creative director gives Lucy a fire-hydrant to wear for the shoot.  And then, in the lowest move by ABC in a long time, Andi and Elise, the only two people with legitimate careers, are told they will be posing nude for the shoot.  The first grade teacher and the attorney.  Nude.  Nada.

Elise resourcefully asks Lucy to trade “outfits.”  Lucy is thrilled to be nude.  Smart move Elise, smart move.  Meanwhile, Andi feels panicked at the thought of posing nude since you know, she puts people in jail for a living.  But Juan Pablo tells her to “trust him,” and with those two words, Andi throws her career out the window.  Who needs a JOB when you have 5 minutes of fame?!  Also, I would love to be in a negotiation with Andi – she seems willing to cave very very easily.

I am majorly questioning Andi’s judgment.  She just spend years and thousands of dollars on her education and she is willing to potentially jeopardize her entire career for this?  A photo shoot week two of the Bachelor?  Seriously?  I object!  Oh and Andi, do you really want to date a guy who makes you do stuff on a date that you are not comfortable with?  I don’t!  I want my date to respect my boundaries, but that’s just me.  I’m sure everyone in the courtroom will take you seriously now that this is out there:


Oh the little black privacy box of shame.  After the shoot, the group heads to an LA hotel rooftop bar.  Victoria decides it’s best to get an IV of alcohol because drinking the regular way always takes so long.  Cassandra nervously decides it’s time to tell Juan Pablo, the single dad, that she is a single mother.  Cassandra is very worried what JP will think.  Obviously it’s ok to be a single dad but not a single mother!  The horrors.  Or maybe she’s worried about what Juan Pablo will think knowing she’s only 21 (yes, 21!  AH!) and has an almost-two year old that she abandoned to come chase around some random dude.  Who cares about mother-child bonding when you’ve got Juan Pablo.

Back at the rooftop, Victoria starts slurring her words, “this is how I emmmm sobberrr.”  Drunk people always love to proclaim, “I’m not drunk!” as they fall down.  Getting defensive, Victoria tells the girls, “I’m just fun. Sober.”  In the least sober voice ever.  I can practically smell the booze through my computer screen.  In the confession cam, Victoria delivers the best line in Bachelor history, “if Juan Pablo is mine, I’m going to straddle him every dayyyyyy…cuz that’s what life is about – straddling people.  And things.”  Amazing Victoria, amazing.  Could I get that printed on an inspirational magnet?  Case in point:


Sadly due to an epic drunken breakdown in the bathroom, this is Vicky’s only chance to straddle JP.  But before the bathroom breakdown, Vicky sits alone in the rooftop hot tub and says that during the photo shoot, she gave JP the “hymen maneuver,” and thus deserves a rose.  Yes, you read that correctly (unless Vicky really did MEAN hymen maneuver and it’s just some new sex move?)  But then she says it again.  Oh Vicky.  Oh Vicky, Vicky, Vicky.  Mr. Heimlich himself probably needs a hymen maneuver after this. But Vicky’s gems don’t stop there.  She asks the camera, “whose legs do I have to hump around here to get some one-on-one time, huh?”  Well since you asked, I’d start with Chris Harrison!

When her system literally cannot handle it any more, Victoria runs to the bathroom to throw up cry.  Sweet Renee comforts hysterical, drunk Victoria.  Victoria declares she is DONE and wants to go home.  She exits the bathroom and tells the producers she is leaving.  They tell her she can’t leave without shoes and for her safety, she can’t leave.  Victoria throws up on a producer and they offer her some champagne to get the vomit taste out of her mouth.  Victoria is given a hotel room to pass out in for the night. Kelly, the dog lover, gets the rose– apparently for no other reason than she looked awful during the photo shoot:


The next day, Juan Pablo stops by the hotel to tell Victoria no amount of leg humping will get her one-on-one time anymore.  Victoria says, “I guess I should apologize for setting off the crazy train.  Welcome to Brazil!”  I’m sure all Brazilian women really appreciate being lumped in with you, crazy train.  You seem like you’d make an outstanding step-mother for Cameeeeeeeeeela.  Sorry Vicky but your sad sorry just won’t cut it.  Time to find someone else or thing to straddle.

At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Juan Pablo pulls Amy L. aside for some one-on-one time.  What happens next will scar me for life. Amy L. conducts a mock interview with Juan Pablo that leaves the audience stunned that some news network actually pays her to do this.  Seriously, she needs a new career.  It was so amateur – I felt like I was watching a 12-year-old version of myself.  And trust me, that’s just embarrassing.   I know a news station in northern Wisconsin that would be perfect for Amy.  This is Kate reporting live from the Bachelor rose ceremony, where Amy L. was just sent home without a rose.  Throwing it back to the studio!

No rose for you either Chantel.  But unlike Victoria and Amy, you left with your dignity intact, so for that reason, you are a winner.

See you next week, mi amores!

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I want a man who wants to be rubbed by me

You guys!  It’s Juan-juary! And I have breaking Bachelor news.  I’m dating Juan Pablo.  And I have been for years.  Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Juan Pablo and me:

j and k

No?  Not the Juan Pablo you were expecting?  Technically he goes by John Paul, but for the next three months, he’ll be Juan Pablo to me.

So, back to that other Juan Pablo.  We’ve endured months and months waiting for shirtless shots of Juan working out on the beach Juan to meet what I can only assume will be the next Bachelorette his future wife and step-mother to his daughter, Cameeeeeeeeela.  My life feels so empty and meaningless when the Bachelor isn’t on TV.  During those dark months I never see enough tanned, shirtless, muscled men.  And I certainly never see any in the shower.  I also miss the comforting words of Chris Harrison, like “journey to find true love,” and “tonight, on the Bachelor,” and “the most dramatic rose ceremony in Bachelor history,” and “Emily, will you accept this rose?”   “please, take a moment and say your goodbyes.”  But what I miss the most are the girls who teach me so much, such as “this isn’t just some silly little game,” and always ALWAYS keep your sparkle.  So without further ado, it’s finally time to embark on Juan Pablo’s aventura (that’s adventure in Spanish, mom).

Because Juan’s body heats up even the coldest Minnesota winters, the Almighty Chris Harrison deemed it necessary for Juan to have 27 caliente bachelorettes to choose from rather than the standard 25 (only the unattractive bachelors need 25 to pick from, duh).  And it seems that Juan thinks the best step-mother for Cameeeeeeeela must have the following description:

  • Bottled blonde hair (red heads need not apply)
  • Large breasts (fake or natural, juan-derful either way)
  • Age 26 (seriously, I calculated the mean.  I’m officially too old for that Juan)
  • Must love empanadas (I don’t know what that is exactly, but I’d love it for you Jaun)
  • Wears shoes (finally, I meet a criteria!)

Some of our Latin lover’s bachelorettes fall flat.  But some of them turn up the heat.  And because most of the girls looked like they were dressed like their high school prom, here are some superlative awards (you know, high school graduation style) given to the most memorable ladies:

Most Likely to Have Foot Fungus: 

And the award goes to…Lucy!


As an occupation, Lucy works as a “free loader spirit,” and free spirits don’t wear shoes!  Or make-up.  Or clothes.  Or, I can only assume, a paying job.  Let your freak flag fly, Lucy.  Just make sure you get yourself a good bottle of anti-fungal medication.  Lucy sings “be sure to wear some flowers in your hair,” while she twirls in a bed-sheet and sashays towards Juan– barefoot of course.  Juan thinks that Lucy might be a good playmate for Cameeeeela.  Rose for Lucy.

Side Note:  One of the girl’s occupations is listed as “dog lover.”  I might be mistaken, but I always thought occupation meant how do you make a living?  Dog loving does not a paycheck make, unless that’s just a cute title for veterinarian.

Most Likely to Be Voted Prom Queen:

Ladies and maybe one gentleman, we have a tie!  First is Christy from Illinois:


That’s prom-tastic.  Rose for Christy’s junior prom dress.  Second is Kylie, also from Illinois:


Maybe Kylie and Christy shopped together for their prom dresses at Deb or David’s Bridal.  Kylie reminded me of a real-life, adult version of Ariel (just with less natural red-hair and awful pink lipstick and matching nails):


Ariel Kylie sang “Part of Your World,” to Juan but Juan Pablo absolutely wanted her to stay underwater.  No legs rose, for you Kylie…not even when you thought Juan Pablo called your name during the rose ceremony.  Ouch.

Most Likely To Feel Comfortable Using Legal Jargon Every Day:

And the verdict is… Andi!


WHEREAS petitioner seeks to enter into a contractual marital  agreement with Juan Pablo (“the Bachelor”) pursuant to ABC Stat. 7:00(c)(18)(6), herein called the “Contract.”  Said Contract shall be executed on or about but not later than 6 (six) weeks from the juncture of petitioner and the Bachelor’s limo meeting.  WHEREAS petitioner and the Bachelor (“the parties”) shall be liable for any breach of said contract.  A breach of said contract includes but is not limited to failing to consummate the relationship on or about fantasy suite date night.  Further affiant sayeth naught.  Jury’s still out for Andi but Juan Pablo is willing to have the ABC attorneys look over Andi’s proposed contract.  (I realize that a prosecutor would never write a contract or anything of this nature…but the alternative was making jokes about illegal pat-downs and fruit of the poisonous tree.  Oh law school.  I miss you naught.)  Rose for prosecutor Andi.

Most Likely To Make Horrifying Sex Sounds:

Ooooooooooo.  Ahhhhhh.  Who could it beeeee…. oh please.  You know who.  It’s Amy J:

amy j

This is a classic example of “looks can be deceiving.”  How cute is she?  She looks wholesome, sweet, normal.  But when she insisted on massaging Juanny P in the driveway, with essential oils, over his suit, while making loud moaning sounds, I changed my mind. Fast.  Aye yae yae.  Is she going to pay for the dry cleaning bill to get those oils off his suit?  I would have freaked out if someone rubbed oils on my clothes!  During this awkward rub-down, Amy tells Juan Pablo that she thinks they have a lot in common.  Juan’s response?  Total silence.  The only noise I can hear is the ABC intern breathing heavily while trying to steady the microphone boom.  And Lauren crying.  If I had to pick two people with less in common, I would pick Amy J and Juan Pablo.  Juan Pablo probably has more in common with the shoeless girl, and that’s sayin’ something.  When we  met Amy J, she tells ABC producers, “I love to work people’s muscles.”  And this gem, “I want a man who wants to be rubbed by me.”   You rubbed him all right.  The wrong way.  No Rose.  Guess you’ll have to find someone else’s muscles to work.

Most Likely to Need the ABC Psychotherapist

This winner blew the competition way.  Nobody stood a chance.  The “winner” is…Lauren H:


Como si dice “train wreck?”  I mean that in the nicest way possible.  I should have noticed the warning signs during her pre-limo introduction.  You met a man a “little over a year ago,” got engaged, broke up, and are on the Bachelor?  All in a YEAR?!  That makes my head spin just thinking about it.  Slow down, Lauren, slow down.  Post-limo, I realize ABC picked you only to showcase an emotional breakdown.  I recognize the conversation with Juan Pablo might have been edited (I really hope you are able to say things other than just “right,” “yeah,” and “um,” over and over again) and might not accurately reflect the exchange you two had, but Lauren, my dear, those tears were REAL.  Also, your statement to Juan P, “I’m totally over it,”  only tells me that you are, in fact, not over it.  At all.  Not juan bit.  I read that your engagement ended 5 months before you went on the show.  I want to see your audition footage.  If you cried then too, sue ABC for intentional infliction of emotional distress.  In the meantime, while you work on  your damages, remember AshLee from Sean’s season?  Call her.  She’s got the good drugs.

Most Likely to Yell Drop And Give Me 20

 Well, the award goes to Sharleen.. sir, yes sir.


Meeting Juan Pablo did not inspire this Opera singer to run out and sing an aria.  Not only was Sharleen the recipient of the coveted first impression rose, but she was also the first bachelorette in 18 seasons to 1) be annoyed that he was giving her the rose 2) respond after what felt like an entire minute of complete silence with an unenthusiastic “sure,” and 3) start calling Respondent “sir” after he gave her the rose.  Nothing says romance like a good ol’ fashioned “sir.”  (That’s sort of true if you’ve seen An Officer and a Gentleman – but that’s totally different).  But all those sirs, the sound of crickets, and an annoyed “sure,” did not tip-off our savvy Bachelor.  No sir!  Instead, Sir Pablo declared that Sharleen was so shocked and elated that she received the rose that it rendered her speechless.  I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised by Shar’s sudden use of the military lingo because, after all, love is a battlefield.  I just didn’t realize Juan Pablo out-ranked her.  Or, I am totally wrong! Maybe she has a knight fantasy and she’s calling him sir as part of that role-play.  That’s probably it.  Oooo here comes Sir Juan Pablo to rescue the helpless dame from the evil foot fungus girl.

Most Likely for Me to Like?

DISCLAIMER:  I reserve any and all rights to at anytime stop liking the contestants I have listed below.  As this list is generated solely on my “first impression,” and ABC”s amazing editing, I’m sure I will undoubtedly be totally wrong about these people.  A future Tierra-rist could even be in the mix for all I know.

I think Clare is the cutest thing.  She seems so sweet and her story made me tear-up (recall: her dad died of brain cancer but before he died, he made a DVD for Clare’s future husband).  Man, I hope ABC doesn’t exploit that.  Who am I kidding, of course they will!  One complaint – Clare came out of the limo pretending to be pregnant.  Um what?  I don’t get it.  Worst limo entrance ever.

Nikki, the pediatric nurse, was adorable in her intro package. Her back-tats in her formal gown were less adorable.  But still, she seems sweet.

Chelsea, the “science educator,” is energetic and pretty. I’m sure she’ll never be Bill Nye but it’s not like Juan Pablo is Mr. Intellectual.  Chelsea greets JP with a little chemistry lesson.  Her science experiment was a good idea in theory… but as any scientist knows, not all theories turn out so.  Why did it fail?  Her enthusiasm level was a 15…and JP’s was about a 1.  It felt awkward.

Alli, a nanny from Chicago, came out of the limo kicking a soccer ball.  Speakin’ Juan’s language, Alli.  Good play, good play.  I like her.  That’s all I have to say.

Is it weird that I miss Sean?  I kinda ❤ him.

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Aye Yae Yae

I am having some technical difficulties with ABC.com (right now they are the opposite of juan-derful) so I will provide a recap as soon as it’s all sorted out!  In the mean time, think about this:


Whoops, I’m sorry, I’m getting my Juanny’s mixed up.  You’re supposed to be thinking about this:


Ay, caramba!  


Check back soon!  Maybe in Juan day or two.


Yes, A Thousand Times Yes.

Almost 10 years ago I was headed off to college (YAY COLLEGE!).  On a side note, when did I get so old?  As I’ve said previously, I’m too old to be a contestant on this show.  De-press-ing.  I’m also too educated to be a contestant on this show.  Also, de-press-ing.  I’d also like to think I’m too sophisticated for the show…but MAN I would have been amazing on this show 10 years ago.   Hot tub soaking ability?  Above average.  Bikini strutting?  Excellent.  Cocktail sipping (read: guzzling)?  Um, I’m from Wisconsin.  I could do it.

But I digress.  Back to my first year of college.  Like every freshman at a liberal arts college, I had to take it all: theology 101, philosophy 101, piano for beginners, some sort of math and science class that I never paid attention in, and finally, the BIG freshman class, psychology 101.  My dear dear DEAR roommate and I had the joy of taking Psych 101 together.  It was amazing.  Our professor referred to us collectively as “the roommates.”  We studied the brain, we diagnosed our problems, we dreamed of meat powder, and then one day, we learned about a concept that was revolutionary in our world: co-rumination.  I’m a little rusty on my psychology but as I recall it was essentially the act of rehashing/ talking about/ remembering every. single. minute detail of an event (usually negative) for hours upon hours with another person (in this case, my roommate and me) until you both feel miserable, even though you didn’t feel miserable to start!  The goal isn’t to FEEL miserable, but you just dwell and dwell and dwell.  We were EXCELLENT co-ruminators and we thought it was amazing that we had a diagnosis for our frequent perseverations (although, I think that’s an entirely different psychological phenomenon.  Mom? Dad?  Side note – they are actual psychologists, not the “arm chair” psychologist I’m currently holding myself out to be.)

What’s the point of this lovely little vignette?  The point is that ABC is FORCING US to co-ruminate with Des, even if we don’t want to.  We’re forced to watch Brooks dump Des high and dry, all over again.  We’re forced to watch her sob and wonder why her mascara doesn’t run.  We’re forced to wonder why nobody can hand Brooks a freaking kleenex for all that STUFF coming out his nose.  Maybe he needs a nasal adjustment from Chris’ dad.  And you know what, just as I learned in psych 101, it sucks reliving something negative over and over again.

Also co-ruminating with Des tonight is Chris Harrison and a LIVE studio audience.  Do you think they get the audience drunk ahead of time so tears flow more easily?  Back in Antigua, Chris sits down with Des to talk to her about the situation.

  • Chris: Des, what’s shaking?  What’s with the sourpuss?
  • Des: Didn’t you hear?  Brooks left.
  • Chris: Oh.  And you care about that?  But did you see how much stuff was in his hair?
  • Des: I want to go home.
  • Chris: Well, you’ve got two more guys here.  Chris and Drew.  Remember them?  The fantasy suite?
  • Des: (giggling)  I love BOTH of them!  They are both expressive, and affectionate, and loving, and Drew likes men.  I’m not broken.  So I’m going to pretend I love one of them.

Again, despite the tears, Des’ makeup NEVER runs.  What is the secret!  For some reason, next we have a rose ceremony where Des cries some more, tells the guys essentially she loves Brooks and is heartbroken but wants to know if they’ll still accept her rose. Romance.  Don’t you just love it when the girl you love is crying over another guy but asks you to still date her?  It’s a love built for lasting.  She sobs as she hands out roses, accidentally saying “Brooks” twice instead of Chris and Drew.  Chris is bummed Des is crying over Brooks but he figures it’s nothing a little poetry can’t fix.

And to continue in the awkwardness, Harrison sends Des on some dates with Drew and Chris.  Des knows she’ll never cross the finish line with Drew (interpret as you will) and thus she is free to wear her ugliest “shirt” on the date.  I say shirt in quotes because it’s more like a Halloween costume top for a child going as Sacajawea.  Des pairs her crop top with some low-flung, hip huggin’ pants that were very reminiscent of Christina Aguilera’s outfit in her music video “Genie in a Bottle.”  I know Des is heart broken but wardrobe should have insisted she put on pants that she hasn’t had since 1999.  Des and Drew take to horses like a scene out of “Brokeback Mountain” (again, interpret as you will) and Des realizes she is NOT having it.  Drew cheers Des to being in love and Des replies, “cheers to Brooks!”  Then starts sobbing.  She tells Drew what he already knows – that she doesn’t feel the same way about him as he does her.  She doesn’t see their future together.  Drew sighs and tries to run his fingers through is hair but then realizes his hair pomade guarantees to keep hairs in place up to 48 hours, even in the event of a nuclear holocaust, making this attempt futile.  Also, what’s up with Drew’s puffy purple shorts?  That is all.  See ya Drew.

It’s time for Des’ date with Chris.  I get a little excited because I figure she’s ready to kick him to the curb and then Brooks will come running in begging for another chance.  I know it’s going to happen.  Except it didn’t. She didn’t kick Chris to the curb.  And so far Brooks hasn’t come running, or walking back in.  Des makes out with Chris (nothing heals the heart like making out with someone else).  She decides he is worthy of meeting her family.  But first, Chris pulls out the journal Zak W gave to Des months ago.  Des ignores the scribbled out message from Zak and heads straight to the back where Chris has recorded all of his poetry from the season.  Des regrets telling him he can meet her family.

What I can only assume is like 8 hours after Brooks left and Des was left heartbroken, Des takes Chris to meet her family. Chris takes some anti-anxiety medication in anticipation of the verbal assault he’s anticipating from Des’ charming brother.  Ironically, Des’ brother is wearing a shirt that very very closely resembles jail stripes.  Coincidence or is he really on a furlough from jail?  It would be fitting with all the prison tats.  Des wears a darling coral dress ( I want!).  While broski gives Chris the third degree, he manages not to act too insane.  He must be medicated.  Chris asks Des’ dad for his hand in marriage.  Dad asks if he’s Brooks?  Chris replies no, he’s Chris NOT Brooks.  Dad gives his approval to Chris and in the alternative, Brooks.

With 20 remaining minutes left in the show, I regain confidence that Brooks MUST be about to reclaim Des.  Will it happen at the rose ceremony?  Or maybe Des will pull a Mesnick, pick Chris only to choose Brooks at the After the Final Rose?  Whatever the path, I was certain Brooks would place the Neil Lane on Des’ finger.  No doubt.

Until I had doubt.  Pretty soon it was the proposal time.  Chris visited Neil Lane.  Oh Neil.  Just the sight of you made me laugh so hard.  Probably my favorite moment in the show.  Neil shows up again with his bevy of gaudy rings that look like costume jewelry.   Chris chooses one that resembles the one from the game “Pretty Pretty Princess,” and assumes Des will love it because she loves the 90s. It also featured “rose gold.”  How convenient. Neil Lane shines the giant diamond on his bare chest and wishes Chris good luck.  Neil also asks that he pass the ring on to Brooks when Brooks shows up.

Des puts on a dress that I love (super flattering on her body) and shows up to the proposal sight.  She looks around for Brooks but he’s not there yet.  Chris shows up, starts to get down on one knee and Des stops him.  THIS IS IT, I think!  She’s going to break up with him and call Brooks!  Only, she tells him that her feelings for Brooks made her blind to her feelings for Chris.  Umm ok.  I’m not sure that’s what I’d want to hear from the person I’m asking to marry, but what do I know.  Chris takes it as a good sign and drops to one knee, pulls out the Neil and Des declares, “Yes, a thousand times, YES!” Just like she had always practiced as a pretty pretty princess in the tent.

I figured my theory about Brooks was about to ring true at the After the Final Rose.  But it DIDN’T.  Des STILL chose Chris.  And dare I say it… they seem happy!  She is moving to Seattle as I type this.  And Seattle is where Chris lives, not Brooks. Just to be clear, I didn’t WANT Des to choose Brooks, I just really thought she’d end up with him.  But I like her and Chris together.  Even if his 5th grade poetry makes me want to shove needles in my eyes.   Oh and also.  JUAN PABLO.  I’d Juan Pablo that.  No.  Seriously:


Please accept my thorny, sarcastic, final rose of the season! Until next season my dear dear readers!

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You Know, I really Want to be madly in love with you

The words have become comforting.  They are the wise wise words of Chris Harrison (allegedly):

“Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.”

I’ve  heard those words 78 times (seriously, 78 times.  I did the math.  17 seasons of the Bachelor plus 9 seasons of the Bachelorette times the 3 remaining contestants equals 78).   It’s FINALLY fantasy suite night!  What’s not to love about fantasy suite night?  There could be another Ed moment (recall Ed had some trouble…performing).  There could be another Vienna moment (recall Vienna stepped out in her little negligee for Jake.  Ew, I hope I never have to relive a moment like that again).  Or there could be another Emily moment (recall she did not allow fantasy suite dates because she didn’t want little Ricky to think her a floozy).  My money is that Drew will announce he’d rather be in the fantasy date with Brooks than Des.

Obviously the best place to shack up is Antigua, so Des and her remaining men head to the island.  Des hopes Brooks doesn’t have an Ed moment because she’s pretty certain she wants to marry him.  Brooks is hoping he has an Ed moment so that Des won’t want to marry him.  Chris Harrison describes this episode as “incredible and dramatic,” and as the television event of the summer.  Wow Chris, wow.  Bold predictions!  Chris throws around the word dramatic more than #kasey hashtag throws around the hashtag, so we’ll just have to see.

Truthfully, I have nothing to say about the first two dates – Drew and Chris.  I mean really, what a snooze.  Des wears a weird fringe denim vest over her swimsuit and that’s about the most dramatic (read: atrocious) thing that happened.  Chris reads MORE POETRY and I consider jumping out my window.  It’s a good thing my boyfriend doesn’t write me poetry.  I wouldn’t be very receptive.  You can show your love for me with gift cards and flowers,  not rhyming couplets.  I’m only half kidding.  But mostly I’m not kidding.

Chris and Drew both spend the night in the STD fantasy suite.  Do you think Brooks is getting cold feet because he doesn’t want to be the THIRD person to the fantasy suite?  Ew!  I do not blame him!  You definitely need to be the first one for this “date.”

Brooks heads to Boise, Idaho to pick up some potatoes before he heads to Antigua.  Well actually he goes to talk to his sister and Mother about his feelings for Des.  Or lack there of.  He tells his family he is worried he isn’t ready to propose after 3 weeks of knowing Des.  How strange!  I’ve had a longer relationship with gallons of milk in my fridge.  I can’t imagine not wanting to get engaged after just meeting someone, who is also dating 3 other people.  He also isn’t sure if he loves her and doesn’t think he should propose if he doesn’t love her.  Uhhh, ya think!?!

Back in Antigua, we are forced to listen to Des drone on and on about her love for Brooks, all the while knowing Brooks is getting ready to dump Des.  But before Brooks can pull the plug on Des, he needs some advice from the Almighty Chris.  Brooks tells the camera that “everything in my head says, this is it.  But my heart feels a different way.”  Ouch.  Chris asks Brooks “are you not sure?  Or are you telling me ‘I’m not in love with this girl?”‘  Brooks looks down and responds with hmmm…I don’t know.  Brooks says that if he doesn’t feel it at this point, he probably will never feel it.  Further, he’s come to the conclusion that Des is NOT the love of his life.  Chris asks Brooks if he’s honestly ready to fall in love?  Did his parent’s divorce impact his ability to commit?  Brooks says he’s wanted to marry like 10 other people but definitely does not want to marry Des.

So what’s Brooks’ issue?  Here are some theories:

  • he has commitment issues (ala Chris Harrison)
  • he is secretly in love with Drew (ala my Mother)
  • he isn’t in love after a few weeks (ala all normal people in the world)
  • he doesn’t want to be rejected in case Des doesn’t choose him (ala me)
  • he doesn’t know how Des feels so he’s trying to protect himself (ala me again – sounds the same but I’m trying to emphasis the point)
  • he wants to give Des a family ring but ABC is insisting on a Neil Lane
  • he is scared of Des’ brother
  • he was hoping the Bachelorette would be Emily
  • he is grossed out being the third guy to the fantasy suite
  • he feels like he can’t compete with Chris’ poetry
  • he likes the drama

Poor Des has no idea what’s about to hit her.  She puts on a darling crop-top swimsuit cover up and excitedly goes to meet Brooks for her date, which she hopes will be “stress-free, no worries.”  Ugh, more dramatic irony.  I can’t handle it!  I want to jump through my screen and warn Des.  She gushes on and on about how much she loves him.  But as soon as Brooks walks up Des knows something is wrong.

Des knows it ain’t good.  She urges Brooks to talk to her.  He tells her he’s run out of hair product and will have to cancel the date.  But there’s more.  He tells her that when they are apart he loses his connection with her.  She tearfully tells him she misses him when he’s not around.  He tells her,” you know, I really want to be madly in love with you.”  Dagger. to. the. heart.  I can’t really even write anything THAT sarcastic because I genuinely felt terrible for Des.  Brooks says the moments apart are not hard enough.  This causes Des to break down and when Brooks tries to comfort her she tells him to stop.  Des tells Brooks she loves him.  Brooks tearfully says, “why didn’t you tell me earlier?”  I don’t get exactly why Brooks asks that.  Would that have changed his mind?  Would he have gone to the fantasy suite if he knew she loved him?  Would he have shaved his face?

Des tells Brooks nobody ever loves her and this happens to her all the time.  Well Des, you have two guys proclaiming their love for you (that you presumably had sex with the night before) who are ready to marry you.  Granted one of them wears scarves a little too well and the other can only say I love you in a poem.  But still, it’s better than nothing?  Des tells Brooks she was conflicted during this process because she didn’t want to share her heart with anyone but Brooks and that while she was on her other dates she only wanted to be with him.  I believe Des…but I also witnessed Des rolling around on the beach 40 minutes ago with Chris.  I mean, seriously rolling around.  They were one roll away from turning the beach into the fantasy suite.

Finally, Brooks says it’s time to get up and leave the dock of heartbreak because his ungelled hair will take ages to untangle. Brooks asks if he can borrow some detangler from Des before they part ways and Des knees him in the crotch.  They part ways and the camera alternates between both of them sobbing.  Des says, “honestly for me, it’s over.”

How do you think Chris and Drew felt watching this last night?  Maybe at the After the Final Rose, Chris will explain it to us in a poem.

So what do you think?  Will Brooks come back?  Will Des end up alone?  Weigh in!

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What About Donavon!

In an unprecedented Bachelor franchise move, the “Men Tell What We Already Know All” show airs prior to the fantasy suite date.  What’s with the change in protocol, Harrison?  As I prepared myself for next two hours, I started to think about things I need answered.  Here are my questions:

  1. Michael, do you or do you not have an endorsement deal with Suave Hair Gel for men?
  2. Ben, what ever possessed you to buy that man-tank with the spaghetti straps?  Or did you borrow it from Des?  Please refer to exhibit A to refresh your recollection:
    ben-294x300Also, I can only assume those are Des’ shorts too.
  3. Brian, what ABOUT DONAVON!?
  4. No, seriously, what about DONAVON!  How could you do this to DONAVON?!!?
  5. Zak W, do you admit the ring you gave Des was from the dollar store and was just a filler until you got your hands on the ABC Neil Lane diamond?
  6. James and Mikey, did you start a party boat line in Chicago exclusively for tall, beautiful, rich women?
  7. #hashtag Kasey, do you know that the only thing more annoying than your tall hair is constantly saying #hashtag?  #it’strue.
  8. Juan Pablo, can I have your number?
  9. Who here wishes Emily was the Bachelorette again?

Chris Harrison takes the stage in front of a live studio audience.  Per usual, there are approximately three men in the audience – someone who cheated on his girl friend and the only way she would forgive him was if he went to the taping with her, someone whose wife told him they were going to a taping of Jimmy Kimmel Live, and someone’s gay best friend.

But before the men come out, we must watch some pre-taped viewing parties crashed by Chris and Des.  And then more crashes with Ashley and JP.  And then the Mesnicks.  And Trista, in a desperate attempt to stay relevant.  All of the viewing parties opened their door, feigning shock at who was on the other side.  I’m highly doubting ABC showed up at these places unannounced.  All of the girls were in dresses with perfect hair and makeup, sipping on beverages. In sharp contrast, my viewing parties consist of two girls in sweats, unshowered, shoving food  in our mouths and drinking milk.  Please, crash.  I beg of you.

Next, Des sits down with Ali, Emily, and Ashley to get some advice about “bad boys.”  Emily is unable to blink,  move her face at all, or register emotions due to even more plastic surgery.  Ali sports some major major black roots with blonde hair.  It was very Penny from Dirty Dancing.  They fake friendship and cheers to putting boys in their place. Girls rule, boys drool!

It’s FINALLY time to meet the guys.  Only, I am not sure they have the right people.  Who are these people?  Where is the creepy doctor?  Where is Brian?!  What about Donavon? Where is Bentley?  Oh wait, that wasn’t this season.

Chris Harrison starts asking Juan Pablo questions.  I realize it’s the first time I’ve ever heard him talk.  And surprise surprise, guess who starts piping up without being called on?  Michael.  Barf.  So annoying.  Time to roll video of what we’ve already seen.  This show is so borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring.

We relive things we’ve worked on repressing for months.  Fantasy rape date attempt, DONAVON, Stephanie throwing rocks at Brian’s face, Michael’s constant badgering of Ben, Ben’s overall sliminess, James campaigning for Bachelor 2014, etc.

Blah blah blah blah blah.

On a side note – who ARE these people in the audience?  The faces they make!  Are they actors?  There was some granny who looked soooo outraged.  She was my favorite.  Seriously, this was every other shot on my TV:





First in the hot seat was Ben.  We watch the montage of Ben’s time on the Bachelorette.  Despite my best efforts, I too make a horrified face when I relive the man-tank one more time.  He’s the conversation Chris has with Ben:

  • Chris: What’s with the tank, bro?
  • Ben: It was my baby mama’s.  She let me borrow it.
  • Chris: Why did all the men hate you?
  • Ben: Because I had a strong relationship with Des.  She really liked my bro tank.
  • Chris: You were so different around Des than the guys.
  • Ben: I’m Christian.  Don’t judge me.
  • Chris: Huh?
  • Ben: It’s about me and Des.
  • Random dude who allegedly was on the show: I saw your baby mama in Vegas and she told me you cheated on your girlfriend and had Brody.
  • Ben: Don’t talk about my baby mama.  She’s going to be really mad.  She’s already mad I stretched out her tank top.

Next up, James.  Everyone is so annoying about the James situation.  Am I the only one who doesn’t think James is some evil-doer, to use the words of George Dubya (you know, the “decider”).  Here’s my take on Jamesgate.  James went on a group date, thought he had a great connection with Des and did not get the rose.  Expressing frustration to his friend Mikey, he said well if she likes someone like Brooks, he’s obviously not the right person for Des because Brooks and him could not be more different.  He goes on to say well this might not work out but hey maybe I’ll be the next Bachelor.  La-di-freaking-da.  Who CARES!  How can this be so offensive to people?  How dare he act realistic!  How dare he think about his future!  James I offer you a made-up Irish proverb: may your boat always be plentiful with beautiful, tall, wealthy women.

Juan Pablo joins Chris in the hot seat.  I’m not entirely sure why, other than 98% of the Bachelorette viewing audience finds Juan Pablo sexy.  As one tweet said, “I’d Juan Pablo that.”   There’s really nothing else to say.

On to broken-hearted Zak.  Here’s the summary: tan face, white teeth, broken heart, was in love, wanted to get married, wrote a song, closure, smiles.

Des comes out.  Her dress/ earrings/ shoes ensemble was just wrong wrong wrong. Zak sings Des a song.  Was anyone else hoping that Des was going to proclaim Zak as the winner after his sweet serenade?  Chris does not ask Des if she’s happy or if she’s found love. Doesn’t he always ask that?  More horrified faces from the audience.  More James bashing. More Juan Pablo-ing.

What a snooze-fest.  Hopefully the fantasy suites will be more exciting than this nonsense (I’m hoping for another Ed moment next week).

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Trust, But Verify

It’s hometown date week!  Is there anything more exciting than an opportunity to judge observe the messed up families of our remaining men?  Will Des’ tent-dwelling family complete with an angry brother appear more normal after meeting the families?  Although, if a camera crew followed my own family around, what would the world see?  Chaos. Noise.  Dogs barking.  My mom singing.  I’ll just leave it at that.  You would never see anyone in my family pick up a hand-full of spaghetti and take aim at a sister (well, I guess I did that once).  And you would never see a neighbor call the police after they heard terribly loud screams coming from the house (whoops, that was me too!).  And you would certainly never see anyone in my family throw hangers or phones at yet again, the same sister (ok, so I have anger issues.  I’ll be sure to check into an anger management class very very soon).  The moral of the story is, none of us come across perfect on camera.  And thank goodness, because this blog sure would be boring if that were the case!  So, let’s chat about everyone’s dysfunction, shall we?


Yeehaw, we’re headed to Dallas Y’ALL!  Des shows up wearing an adorable cropped teal jacket (I want!).  Des will meet Zak’s sister, brother, mom and dad.  What an All-American family!  I hope they serve apple pie down there in Texas.  But before that happens, Zak tells Des about some strange dream he had.  Des doesn’t follow and instantly wishes she had taken her brother up on some illegal drugs because surely then she could have followed this psychedelic scenario.  At the end of the dream, when Des and Zak are covered in snow cones, Zak runs and gets the family snow cone truck!  Ah yes, every girl’s dream.  To own a snow cone truck.  Is a snow cone truck less creepy than an ice cream truck?  Because I find grown men trolling the neighborhoods for children while playing carnival music insanely creepy.  They dish up some snow cones to some kids and Zak dresses like a penguin.  When Des’ teeth are adequately blue from her fav syrup Razzle Dazzle Blue Razzzzberry, Zak takes her to his parent’s house.

Just as I was reallllly getting ready to judge, dislike,  and trash-talk all of these strangers, they arrive at a beautiful house  and a beautiful family.  They are all warm.  They are all kind.  They are all inviting.  And the house is gorgeous.  Ugh – what boring TV!  (But Zak wins my vote for next Bachelor!).  I would love a tour of that house.  Lots of cute decoration ideas.  Even when the family all started singing to Des, I got ready to be Judgy McJudgerson, but still nothing came.  It was all so sweet.  I’d rather listen to the family sing than hear one. more. poem.

Zak gives Des some sort of promise ring and tells her he loves her.  I wonder if Zak is going to regret that decision later…


Des heads to Scottsdale, AZ to meet Drew’s family.  His is sort of the “new” All-American Family.  Des will meet Drew’s mom, step-dad, father, sister, and then I lost track of people.  Because I stopped listening.  Drew and Des pick up Drew’s mentally handicapped sister and then they head to Drew’s mom’s house.  As soon as I see Drew’s dad, Mal, I turned to my friend and said you know who he looks like?  In unison we both said, “Ronald Reagan!”  Ha!  I couldn’t find the BEST picture of Mal, but here’s the best  I could do:


Oh, I kid!  That is of course Ronald Reagan!  No fooling you guys.  Here’s Mal:


He looked more like Ronnie on the TV, than in this grainy picture so you’ll just have to “trust, but verify” as Ronald would say!  I will say, Ron Mal was very sweet and supportive of his son.  I liked Mal the best.  Meanwhile, Drew and his mom were in a bedroom holding hands.  I found this creepy.  I mean I just can’t imagine sitting on a bed telling my dad about my new boyfriend, while holding his hand.  When Des departs, Drew tells Des he like, totally, loves her shoes.  Whoops, he backtracks and says I mean you.  I mean I love you, Des.


Des heads somewhere in Oregon (I may have missed where Chris was from…twice).  Wherever it is, it sure is beautiful!  I expected Chris to have the most normal family of all the remaining men.  And yet things just didn’t pan out that way.  Des met Chris’ mom, dad, two sisters, brother and his brother’s wife.  I don’t know what was up with everyone’s hair in Oregon but some of those ladies could really use an update.  And why does Chris look NOTHING like his siblings?  I mean he’s so cute.  And I’ll just leave it at that.  While I’m at anger management class I’ll consider taking a class about saying nice things.  And surprise, surprise, Chris’ dad proposes a toast that sounds oddly like a POEM.  GAH!  Stop please!  We learn that Chris’ dad, George, is a chiropractor.  He offers to take her downstairs (that’s not strange at all) to give her an adjustment.  I’m just not sure I’m going to allow my boyfriend’s dad, who I’m meeting for the very first time, to give me an “adjustment.”  In the basement.  The family basement.  Which is clearly where his business operates.  It was a little too fringe medicine for my taste.

Especially when Chris shows up for his adjustments.  While I’m taking a big bite of my delicious burrito bowl, George shoves some sort of balloon device up – STRAIGHT UP- Chris’ nose.  There are weird sounds.  There are boogers.  And then there is burrito bowl coming back up my throat.  I mean, what in the world WAS that?  And why did they need to show it while I was eating?  UGH!  Cue the groans!  No adjustments for me thanks.  Other than my personality, I do not need adjusting.

Des chats with Chris’ mom who seems… medicated.  She has no expression, no enthusiasm.  Her hair sort of looks like she just broke out of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.  I am quite confident she is on some sort of major downer.  Probably given to her by George.  Mom’s version of an “adjustment.”  Even her laugh was unhappy sounding.


Finally, Des heads to beautiful Salt Lake City, Utah.  Brooks has bad clothes.  They always look dated.  Sorta like some other people’s hair we saw just moments earlier.  The 90’s are over people!  And don’t get me wrong, I loved the 90’s (my nano baby, Full House, Saved by the Bell, Doug, etc).  Anyway, there are like 57 siblings for Des to meet and all of their spouses.  Brooks’ mom is also there.  No mention of Papa Brooks.  Des seems nervous when she talks to Brooks’ mom.  But maybe it’s because she hasn’t been able to take the edge of with a nice cold beer.  Or 12 as ABC prefers to guarantee good television.  Brooks borrows Des’ coat to talk to 13 of his brothers outside.  And then his sister Jana (the only one whose name I actually caught).  Jana tells Brooks that he will know if he’s in love if he’s completely co-dependent.  Seriously, she said if he’s upset whenever she’s not around, then they should definitely get married.  That sounds so…stable.  And healthy.

The Crazy Brother

Because ABC wants to spice things up, they bring in some guy they keep insisting is Des’ brother (I’m not convinced) and let him loose.  Once again, he shows his crazy and tells Des he wants to scare off Des’ final guys.  He says he wants to meet them and “get in their heads.”  Is this guy really that crazy or is this all an act?  If it’s not an act, it seems like he must HATE Des.  He seems like all he wants to do is upset her.  He needs to go to anger management class with me. Anyway, there is nothing else to say about him.  If I were Des, I would not speak to him.  I’m cold like that.

And at the rose ceremony poor Zak goes home.  Heartbroken.  And Des gives Zak back his promise ring, which Zak promptly throws out the limo window.  I can only assume it was worth like $5.00.  Des is just thankful she no longer has to wear a ring that’s turning her finger green.  Poor Zak.  Him and his abs really grew on me!

See ya next week for the Men Tell All What We Already Know!

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World’s Greatest Prosecutor

Hard to believe but it’s already week 7 (that’s practically long enough for Des to KNOW who she should marry).  Des should employ the same method I  use to shop on her quest to find a husband: if you think about it the next day, you should buy it.  So, if she’s thinking about one guy in particular, then she should buy him.  Or Neil Lane/ ABC should buy him for her.  I think that’s how I ended up spending $1450.00 last weekend (on chairs, not buying a husband).  Sometimes this method isn’t fool-proof, but really, what is.  It’s a crap-shoot.  Des could spend 8 full weeks with these guys only to find out he’s a Larry Craiger.  Or a Spitzer.  Or a Wiener.  Or a Sanforder.  You just never know.

ABC ships the remaining men and Des to the beautiful island of Madeira.  Somewhere James is upset he missed out on the boat.  I’m upset that I don’t have a glass of Madeira to enjoy this episode.  And I’m also upset I’ve never been to this gorgeous place.  Perhaps another purchase to consider.  But I’m most upset that nobody has punched Michael in the face yet.

Des “invited”  her friends to Madeira for some advice (read: ABC flew contestants from Sean’s season to Madeira to add some interest to the show).  I highly doubt any of these chicks are actually friends with each other.  Joining Des is Catherine (Sean’s fiance), Leslie, and the one we don’t remember at all because she didn’t talk, Jackie.  Des asks Catherine if Sean is available and asks Catherine to remind Sean that he made a huge mistake.  The girls slurp down some yellow drinks, spy on the 5 guys with binoculars and play “who would you rather do.”  Nobody picks Michael.

One on One Date: Brooks

Love Des’ tank top! Add it to my list of wants.  Des and Brooks hop into a Smart car and go zipping up a mountain side.  While Des is telling anyone who will listen how much she is falling in love with Brooks, Brooks is starting to show his doubts.    The car trip ends on top of a mountain above the clouds.  I can only imagine the clichés that will come from location.  Something like, Brooks’ love sends me to the top of a mountain.  Or Brooks makes me feel like I’m floating on clouds.  No literally, I am floating on clouds right now.  Meanwhile Brooks declares the clouds are suffocating him and he feels like he’s tumbling down a mountainside uncontrollably.

At dinner Des comes up with adjectives to describe the falling in love process and its various stages.  They were something like sitting on the couch, getting up for a bag of chips, going on an after dinner walk, running a 5k, and getting a blue ribbon (that’s when you’ve reached true love).  Des tells Brooks she’s running (although really, she’s already at the blue ribbon stage) and Brooks tells the camera he’s “a little bit behind in [his] emotional process.”  Meaning, he’s not even out of bed yet.  Love hurts. As does running!

One on One Date: Chris

Des takes Chris to a yacht for some motorboatin’.  Chris realizes he has the perfect poem for the occasion:

Makin’ waves and catchin’ rays up on the roof
Jumpin’ off the back, don’t act like you don’t want to
Party in slow motion
Out here in the open
Mmmmmm motorboatin’

The ABC camera dude interjects to tell Des that Chris did not write that poem but that it’s actually a country song by Little Big Town.  Chris vows to only recite original poems from this point forward.

Ugh.  Seriously more poems.  Chris decides they will write a “poem” in a bottle.  And then litter the earth with this junk.  I like Chris, I really do.  But the poetry needs to stop.

But unlike Brooks, Chris has fallen in love with Des (blue ribbon!) and is going to tell her at dinner.  In a poem.  Chris would have done so well at my grade school on “poem in your pocket” day.

One on One Date: Michael (gag)

Michael shows up looking like a total creeper.  I don’t know why he looks like a creeper.  He just does.  Des says he has all of the qualities that make a loyal, trustworthy husband.  Also someone who might require a restraining order but what healthy relationship doesn’t require that?  Des tells Michael he’s the sweetest person she’s ever known in her life.  Is that sarcasm?  Or hyperbole?  Otherwise yikes Des, you’ve known a lot of sausages in your life.  They race some toboggans down the streets of Madeira (so fun!) and Des cackles like a witch the whole way down.  Seriously, what’s with the laugh Des?  I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!  Ah ha ha ha.

Des paints on white dress sized for a 6-year-old and they head to dinner on the streets of Madeira below bistro lights.  It would have been such a romantic setting with anyone but Michael.  Michael says he wants to find a wife because he doesn’t want his tombstone to just read “world’s greatest prosecutor.”  WOW.  DOUBLE WOW.  Cue the groans harder than they’ve ever been cued!  Geez Michael, what would the federal government do without your amazing prosecutorial skills?  I mean, what are they doing these three months while you’re off gallivanting around?  Did the whole federal court system collapse without your trial skills?  Are felons just roaming the streets now?  Have all federal drug charges in Miami gone unprosecuted?  Anyway, I think I can state with confidence that your tombstone will never read “world’s greatest prosecutor.”  Plus, that title’s already bestowed upon MY boyfriend.  Aw snap!

Michael tells Des about how his last girlfriend left him for a mountain top.  Or some other dude on a mountain top.  Either way, she left him.  I’m shocked.  You seem like such a nice guy… despite your witch hunting ways. And wild wild eyes.  And excessive use of hair gel.  Embrace the curls, yo.

Two-on-One Date: Drew and Zak

Des takes Drew and Zak to a go-cart race track.  Zak and Drew have a race.  Zak kicks Drew’s behind because Drew is too worried about getting a hair out of place.  And messing up his man-mani (manicure).  Luckily Michael gave Drew some extra hair gel to keep everything firmly in place.

Zak pulls Des aside and shows her some art he made to document their journey.  It was pretty cute.  Zak is just fun and sweet.  He’s goofy and likes to take his clothes off but what’s wrong with a little nudity anyway?  Let’s not be such puritans.

Drew and Des have some alone time and Des says she wants to meet Drew’s family.  It’s uneventful.  Drew giggles like a school girl.  Rose for Drew.

Rose Ceremony 

Des wears a gorgeous backless bright blue dress (back is the new breast)!  Seriously, they really make her up to look beautiful at these rose ceremonies.  Des has some time with Chris where she admits she’s got a major blue ribbon for Brooks.  I’m talking like the blue ribbon winning cheddar cheese at the Wisconsin State Fair.  That’s right, she loovvesss Brooks. Now if only Brooks felt that way too!  Chris asks if it’s game over but Des says nahh because she still wants to do some traveling.  Smart Des, very smart.

And it’s as though the Bachelor gods heard my prayers tonight.  Hallelujah, Michael is going home!  Good thing because those federal offenses won’t prosecute themselves Michael.  I will say that Michael was gracious about the rejection, which earned him slightly more respect in my book but not enough to make up for his abhorrent treatment of James and Ben earlier in the season.  Or his wild eyes.  They cray cray.

And maybe another reason Michael can’t find love – as soon as he was rejected he called his mom.  Yikes Michael.  Yikes.  Is she going to breast feed you later?  Is that too much???  Eh, that’s why I’m here!

Hometowns next week!  Yeeehaw. (Why a yeehaw?  I don’t know but it felt right).

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listen girl scouts, we’re about to bake some cookies

My precious readers, I apologize for my late post.  I could not write as I was on Mikey and James’ Fourth of July boat party held exclusively for tall, beautiful, rich women.  Obviously.  So where were we… it’s week 6 and in order to find “love” Des must travel to beautiful Spain. Balls will fly, tears will flow, and Michael will continue to annoy me.

Chris Harrison shows up to explain that if you get a rose you are safe.  Thanks for clearing that up Chris – I’ve been confused about that concept the last 12 years.

First One on One: Drew, let’s build a foundation for love

Drew is pretty.  I mean seriously, he is perfect looking.  But I’m just noooootttttt totally convinced Drew likes women.  Which is totally fine, obviously, just not fine for the show (or for Des).

Drew exclaims like a 12 year old girl that he can’t stop thinking about kissing Des, so he kisses her right away and squeals, “yay!”  How…masculine.  Drew tells Des about his father’s journey to sobriety and that he’s also terminally ill with cancer.  I’m just going to put this out there – If one of my parents were dying, I would definitely not be romping around on the Bachelor[ette].  Go home!  What a mistake!

Drew and Des head to dinner but in an attempt to overcompensate for his sexuality, Drew grabs Des and pulls her into the street for a make-out session.  Apparently the private dinning area was not conducive for making out.  A public street is a much better idea.  It reminds me of when Sean was running down the streets yelling “EMILLLLY!”  Oh good times.

Drew gets the rose.  As soon as Drew secures his rose, Drew decides it’s time to start gossiping.  Drew tells Des that he heard  from Kasey that Kasey heard James tell Mikey (yep, that’s like 72 layers of hearsay, but whatever) that if he makes it into the top four it will give him enough exposure so he’ll possibly be the next Bachelor and his life will change.  Des responds with a BEEEEEEEP and another BEEEEEEEP.  Oh really Des?  Are you unhappy you are now the Bachelorette?  Or would you rather be with Sean?  Something tells me you’d rather be the Bachelorette.

Group Date: Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James and Juan Pablo 

The group heads to play a soccer game against the professional women’s Barcelona soccer team.  Professional soccer player, Juan Pablo, is majorly excited for his opportunity to shine.  When Brooks sees the female team, he says “listen girl scouts, we’re about to bake some cookies.”  I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean but I do know that if anyone’s rump is going to be roasted, it’s going to be the men (with the exception of Juan Pablo).  And also, some of the toughest women in America were girl scouts (the list includes Hillary Clinton, Sally Rider, Sandra Day O’Connor, Martha Stewart, Katie Couric, Lucille Ball, Barbara Walters, and ME) so what’s your POINT BROOKS?!  I wish all the girl scouts past and present would get together and show Michael the prosecutor who’s boss.  And speaking of, Michael states that “it’s wrong to hit a woman but it’s not wrong…to kick a woman’s soccer ball.”  Sadly I bet Michael thinks in some circumstances it might be ok to hit a woman.  Or at least abuse her emotionally.  Yuck.

Surprise surprise the only girl scouts on the field were the men.  The women win.  After the game, the group drinks and the producers urge the men to start arguing.  But first, Chris and Des sneak away to a bed where they have a majorly awkward conversation and Des decides to read a poem she wrote to Chris.  No. More. Poems.  Ok, one more.  Here’s a haiku:

The poems need to end
They sound like a sixth grader
This show is so dumb.

After the guys get liquored up, Kasey confronts James about the SHOCKING conversation he overheard in the van at the last group date.  In case you missed the alleged conversation the first time, let me recap it for you:

James: Hey Mikey.  When I get back to Chi-town, I am totally gonna hook you up with some chicks I met at my gym.  Also, I’ll hook you up with my roid guy.  He makes my neck muscles massive.

Mikey: Sweet dude, also I have a boat.  I bet the chicks will love that.  And I know tall, good looking girls with lots of money.

James: Awesome bro.  You know, if Des doesn’t pick me and I make the top four, maybe I’ll be the next Bachelor.  ‘Cause that’s how this show works.

How DARE James state the obvious!  How could he EVER think about what inevitably happens each season?  To all the sausages yelling at James, I’m SURE you came on this show only to find love.  You know, since this show has such an outstanding track record at actually finding “love.” Yep, makes sense to me.  I’d like you all to be honest for a hot second and admit that the only reason you’re on this show is for fame.  Not for love.  And definitely not for Des.  Call me James, I’ll come on your boat.

The producers make Des and James take 6 shots of vodka and then Des confronts James about the conversation.  James defends himself and says the worst outcome would be if he was the next Bachelor.  Actually, I think the worst outcome would be getting picked.  James cries, Des cries.  James has to throw up from all the booze and Des decides she is too drunk to continue this conversation.  Chris Harrison gets James some Gatorade and sends him back to the hotel.

Second One on One Date: Zak 

Zak and his teeth that are brighter than the sun go to meet Des, who is sitting outside sketching a church.  Seriously Zak’s teeth are SO WHITE.  Zak’s teeth are whiter than the following:

  • freshly fallen snow
  • a brand new Hanes t-shirt
  • cotton
  • baking powder
  • coconut meat
  • milk
  • my rapidly whitening hair
  • rice
  • sun block

His teeth remind me of the Friends episode where Ross whitens his teeth.  If you haven’t seen the clip, watch it here.  I highly suggest it!  After Des puts on some sunglasses to protect her retinas, the two head to an art studio where they paint things.  Zak paints a portrait of Des that is hysterical.  The portrait looks like a dirty crackhead.  It’s probably the funniest moment on the show.  And maybe the only honest moment on the show.  Next, the two paint a full-frontal dude, which naturally makes Zak feel the urge to take his clothes off…so he does.

Rose for Zak.

The rest of the dumb episode includes the guys screaming at James some more, Des asking James about his intentions and Des crying.  I’m so over this whole non-drama, I can’t even bring myself to write about it.  Get over it everyone – James is on the show for the same reasons you guys are.  You ALL want to be the next Bachelor!  Get off your high horse, wake up and smell the roses, hey kettle you’re black, ETC.  Pick your darn cliche and let’s move on.

Three guys go home this week: James (surprise surprise), Kasey #seeya #yourhairisstillsotall and Juan Pablo.  To my astonishment Michael remains for another week.  Talk about an injustice!

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Sarcasm will return on Sunday!

Because it’s a Holiday week and I am traveling, I will not be able to provide an adequate update until…GASP… SUNDAY!  I apologize for keeping everyone waiting.  I know how anxious you guys are to hear about James being there for the wrong reasons.  MORE GASPS!  Can you believe the nerve of someone, going on a show with an awful track record of actually creating lasting relationships for some reason OTHER than LOVE?!?!  The horrors!

Anyway, I’ll be back with more sarcasm on Sunday.  Happy 4th to you all!