Monthly Archives: February 2016

You’re Not Going to Get Hurt, You’re Beautiful

A mere two weeks ago, I looked at my television screen, unable to recognize some of the contestants still vying for Ben’s affection.  And now, here we are, with only four women remaining, eager to reintroduce themselves to their families as the future Mrs. Higgins.  I’d be willing to bet my life that none of the women remaining can name the literary reference.

First Hometown: Amanda 

Ben heads to Laguna Beach in hopes of spotting LC, Kristen, Steven and Talan to meet Amanda’s two babies. Ben finds Amanda frolicking on the beach in some shorts she borrowed from her two year old daughter, and a shirt (a word I use in the loosest way possible) that is missing essential elements such as a back, support, structure, and straps. The shirt threatens to expose her womanhood with every step she takes towards Ben.  The ABC staff is on standby with double-sided tape and a black box.  Right as I’m about to be horrified by Amanda’s shirt with wings, I see Ben’s shorts (?) that look like they were pasted on.  Boxer-briefs are so the new shorts.

family-walk-600x335.jpg

photo source

As the photo illustrates, the absurd outfits extended to the toddlers too.  Gladiator sandals at the beach, on babies = totally practical.

The family of four spend the day idyllically running around on the beach.  But, like all good things, they must come to an end.  And they come to an end quickly during the car ride home.  The ABC producers sit in the back of car with the two little girls and pepper them with questions about their dad’s lack of involvement and their mother’s failed marriage.  As the girls cry the duration of the car ride home, Amanda looks like she needs a Xanax.  She secretly curses the girls for acting their age as she tries to secure them a new daddy.  Ben reminds himself over and over again that next week is the fantasy suite date.  He can do this.

Back at Amanda’s house, Ben meets Amanda’s parents and sister.  Amanda ditches the littlest one in her crib as soon as possible.  Ben wonders if it’s acceptable to have a beer. Amanda’s fam asks Ben the expected questions, like can you be a dad, blah blah blah.  They are all very nice people.  And the answer is no, Ben is not ready for this.

To end the hometown date, ABC exploits the situation just a tad more by making Ben read a fairytale to the children about his relationship with their mother.  Way to secure these children therapy for the next 25 years.

Second Hometown Date: Lauren

Ben travels to Portland next to visit Lauren B.  Ben, as an aspiring hipster, is thrilled with the opportunity to visit such a hip city.  Lauren does everything right: she takes him to the trendy part of town where they gorge on food truck delectables, including grilled cheese, which Lauren B pretends is a regular part of her diet; they hit up the coziest, coolest whiskey library (which Lauren improperly pronounces as “libary” like one of Amanda’s children); and last but not least, Lauren’s date does not include any screaming children.  Lauren is winning.

When they are appropriately boozed up, Lauren and Ben head to Lauren’s house to meet her father-clone, mother, sister, two little brothers, and 18 year old dog (adorable).  They look like they just stepped out of a Vineyard Vine’s photo-shoot.    Lauren’s family calls her LoLo. Just leaving that out there.

LoLo’s sister takes the first opportunity to nab Ben and grill him about their relationship.

  • LoLo’s sister: LoLo is smart, beautiful, funny, hardworking, super skinny, bottled blonde, etc.  A million guys could easily fall in love with her.  Why do you think she’s so special?
  • Ben: Um.  For all the reasons you just said?
  • LoLo’s sister: Um hm.
  • Ben: I don’t know.  [starts crying].

LoLo’s sister wants to hear straight from the horse’s mouth, what said horse is thinking.  And no I’m not calling Lauren a horse.  It was a cliche gone wrong.  LoLo tells sister, “I feel like Ben is my person.” Dear god, LoLo, please refrain from quoting Gray’s Anatomy.  K, thanks.

Dad tells Lauren, “I don’t want my baby LoLo hurt.”  I throw up a little in my mouth.

Third Hometown Date: Caila 

Ben meets Caila in her current hometown, Hudson, Ohio.  It’s a slice of sweet midwestern charm.  Caila takes Ben to a swinging bench to make out and fulfill her high school wishes. Ben happily obliges.

When Caila’s lips get chapped, she takes Ben to her father’s toy company where they design their own house.  When the designing is done, they actually build the house in the factory.  It’s adorable.  Also, Caila, free legal advice: make sure you get a prenup.  As Ben carries Caila out of the factory, Caila says she knows Ben is the one.  She knows she is going to marry Ben.  Hope you just knocked on wood, girlfriend.

Back at home, Ben meets Caila’s adorable mother (you rock those braces, momma!), CEO dad, and younger brother.  They are such a sweet family.  Also, I would kill for homemade Filipino food.

Caila’s mom steals Ben away to get to know him.  I can’t get over her youthful glow.  She has no wrinkles.  Ben should definitely procreate with Caila–their children will be beautiful! Meanwhile, Caila tearfully tells her dad that she knows, “this is it.”  Caila’s dad tries to stifle his laughter.  “Sweety,” he says in a tone which translates to get a grip, you are better than this.  Caila tells her dad we all make mistakes, just like you and those orange pants.

Caila’s mom has a totally different reaction to the news of Caila’s recently discovered love.  She instructs Caila to jump on Ben and tell him how you feel.  Like all the ladies before, Caila chickens out and can’t get the words, “I love you,” out of her mouth.

Fourth Hometown Date: JoJo

The first three days were so normal. ABC had to do something to spruce up this episode with the last hometown date.  They pull out all the stops – a reconsidering, desperate ex-boyfriend, drunk possessive brothers who verbally abuse Ben, and a mom who drinks straight from the bottle.  Let’s dive right in.

In Dallas, JoJo arrives at her apartment to find flowers outside her door.  Aw, she muses, my sweet Ben is so thoughtful!  She starts reading the accompanying love-letter, feeling her love for Ben grow.  The note references the fact that JoJo has been gone for 39 days.

Wait. Hit the breaks. These people have only been on this show for 39 days and yet, YET, they are actually contemplating MARRIAGE.  Pump. The. Breaks. Someone. PLEASE.

It takes JoJo reading at least half the letter before she realizes it is from the evil Stephano (Legally Blonde anyone?), I mean Chad.  JoJo recoils in horror, “no!”  But yes, JoJo.  This is all part of ABC’s plan.  They get JoJo right where they want her- crying, emotional and dialing her ex Chad.   Chad keeps up his end of the bargain, answers her call, and pretends to be interested in her.  It’s the easiest $500 Chad has ever made.

JoJo fanatically hangs up the ABC iPhone when Ben pulls up to her house.  At first Ben thinks JoJo is crying at the sight of him, but soon realizes that makes no sense.  JoJo fills Ben in on the drama.  Ben looks annoyed.  JoJo pretends like she’s done with Chad.  10 bucks says Chad and JoJo are back together at this very moment.

As though this drama wasn’t enough, ABC has agreed to pay JoJo’s brothers to treat Ben like total dirt.  Bring it on!

Ben and JoJo roll up to JoJo’s mansion, which I assume JoJo’s mom’s botched plastic surgery medical malpractice suit paid for.

Ok. Guys.  What in the world. JoJo’s brother Matt basically tries to make out with JoJo upon her entrance into the house.  She can’t get him off of her.  It’s really bizarre and creepy.  JoJo’s other brother, Ben, is her step-brother, and appeared on his own dating reality tv show “Ready for Love,” not that I watched the entire canceled show or anything. He also appears to be in love with JoJo.

JoJo and her mom retreat to one of the 22 bedrooms to have a conversation about JoJo’s feelings for Ben.  It becomes very obvious that the mom has no idea what this show is about, how it works, or how to register emotions properly anymore. JoJo tells her mom she’s falling in love with Ben.  “I just don’t want to get hurt,” says JoJo. Mom replies, “you’re not going to get hurt, you’re beautiful!”  Let’s take a moment and dissect that.  In the legal world, we call that a non-sequitor.  It does not follow, lady.  “But mom, there are three other girls involved.”  Oh, says mom, completely clueless.

Before I can even say Chris Harrison, the whole family unravels and I feel like I’m watching a scene from the Godfather.

Brother Ben walks into the kitchen and accuses Bachelor Ben of brainwashing the women. Apparently JoJo is incapable of thinking or feeling for herself?  There is no way she can have any emotional investment in Ben unless he brainwashed her? But no sooner can I answer these pressing questions when mom picks up a champagne bottle and DRINKS STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE.

That actually happened.

Dad leans over to Mom and gently reminds her the cameras are rolling and they have plenty of available expensive stemware.

Brother Matt accuses Ben of coached answers and basically calls him a phony.  Is this dude for real?  The mom tries to defend Ben by saying JoJo has been holding back, and Matt tells his mother, “you need to take a step back.”  To your own mother??  Apparently no women in the house are allowed to have opinions.

And yet, JoJo stays.  I assume it’s because of her red dress and sparkly earrings (which I must have).  At the rose ceremony in LA, Ben sends home pint-sized mom, Amanda.  I feel for her – she handles the rejection like the sweet lady she is.  I have no doubt that Amanda will do alright in this world.  But why keep JoJo??! What do you guys think?  Was anyone else disturbed by JoJo’s bros? Are they in love with her?  Were they drunk?  Did they just want to have a little fun?  Is Chad in on this!?

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Did You Do that?

I have failed you, my friends.  On probably the most entertaining episode so far this season, I did not provide an update.  Life got the best of me (namely, dog sitting for my parents, bringing the total number of pets in my 1300 square foot home to a whopping FOUR, for two weeks).  Ben finally came to his senses and told the producers he wasn’t going to be a puppet in their game any longer – Olivia needed to go.  The producers agreed he could cut her loose but only on an island with hurricanic winds and no viable plan to bring Olivia back to safe shores.  I can only assume that somewhere in the Bahamas, Olivia has found her Wilson and hopefully learned how to build a fire.

On to this week.  Ben decided it was time to bring his remaining ladies back to his hometown: Warsaw, Indiana.

warsaw_in.gif

Becca is nervous she’ll need to find Indiana on a map upon demand.  She thinks it’s somewhere near Nebraska or Kansas.  The Twin has never been anywhere with temperatures less than 60 degrees.  My mind wanders to the Warsaw Pact and I contemplate if any of these women can name a single treaty.

Warsaw looks, surprisingly, like a lovely town.  It’s beautiful and quaint.  Serve up Ben with a side of Apple Pie and it looks like a scene in my 4th grade social studies book.  Hashtag americana.

Ben meets his parents at the local greasy spoon.  Um.  Ben’s dad is a hottie. Hey there, silver fox! Ben tells his parents he’s falling in love.  His mom tries to wipe the horrified look off her face.  Is Ben an only child?  Anyone?  Bueller?

Later, Ben picks up the ladies in a pontoon boat and I’m officially on board with Ben.  Anyone with a boat has me sold.

First One-on-One Date: Lauren B

I think we are finally down to one Lauren, which means I can stop pretending to know who the other Lauren is or what her last name initial is.  Ben tells the story of his first kiss, which happened in 7th grade.  I was still playing with Barbies in 7th grade.  I’m not sure which one of us is the normal one. And if that didn’t convince you, surely this will:

IMG_7393.JPG

Really appealing. Who knew I was such a patriot!

You are welcome for that.  Don’t act like you didn’t have an awkward phase.

Ben takes Lauren on a tour of Warsaw, which includes an after school program center where Ben used to work, I assume 10 years ago. Ben and Lauren play with the kids.  Lauren says she fits in well with the kids because she’s the same size as them and only a few years older.  Some members from the Indiana Pacer’s show up to play with the kids.  I think that’s some sort of pro basketball team.  Lauren giggles like a school girl as she tries to play with Paul George’s balls.  I mean basketball.  Ben is irritated that the Pacer’s sent their most attractive player.

Later, Ben takes Lauren to his local dive bar to meet his friends.  Interestingly enough, Farmer Chris took his winner, Whitney, to the bar to meet his friends too.  Coincidence?

Second One-on-One Date: JoJo

JoJo and Ben are heading to the windy city for, I hope, some strolling and shopping on Michigan Ave followed by drinks on the top level of the John Hancock.  Or, in the alternative, a boat architecture tour and a stop at Navy Pier.  Or hit up some of the fantastic museums and see a show.

But no.  Instead, they spend the entire day AND NIGHT at Wrigley.  Look.  I get it.  Wrigley is cool and historic and BLAH BLAH BLAH.  But come on. They weren’t even at a game!  They were just at Wrigley.  Doing nothing.

It’s official.  JoJo’s first trip to Chicago was a total waste. They play baseball, they make out and that’s about it. Zzz.

Group Date: Caila, Becca, Mom

Ben takes the girls to some remote area to row boats and fly kites.  Does anyone else not like flying kites?  I like watching them but I’ve never successfully launched my kite.  Mom agrees and hopes there is more to the date than flying kites. Be careful what you wish for.

Becca pulls Ben aside and tells him “just don’t blindside me.”  Consider yourself forewarned, Bachelor viewers.

The group date is over faster than you can say Chris Harrison.  Mom gets the group date rose and gets to continue her romantic evening  at McDonalds.  She’s hoping she can at least supersize things, or else this is nothing but a total waste.  She can’t believe she’s starved herself for weeks only to have to force down an Egg McMuffin on national TV.

We get it McDonalds.  You sponsor the Bachelor.  Now give me free fries for life and I’ll sing you nothing but high praises.

Ben tells Amanda he brought the girls to Warsaw because he wanted them to experience the normal things he does, such as going to McDonalds. And apparently, working at McDonalds.  Dear god.  This is so stupid.  And that’s coming from someone who eats McDonalds more often than I care to admit.

There was slight redemption when Ben took Amanda to the local carnival.  Ten bucks says it was this same location where Ben smooched his first girl in 7th grade. As Amanda sits at the top of the Ferris Wheel, making out with Ben, she says that she feels like the luckiest girl in the world right now.  A carny could make you feel that way every day for the rest of your life. Just throwing that out there.

Third One-on-One Date: Twin 

Emily gets the last coveted one-on-one date. Ben takes Emily in his pontoon boat, where she verifies that the birds she sees in the water, are in fact, swans.

As a fun surprise, Ben takes Emily to his house to meet his parents.  Emily, totally freaked, wishes she would have worn jeans that exposed less of her knee caps and thighs.

Emily tells the camera she’s really nervous.  She says talking to people makes her really anxious and she doesn’t want to make an idiot of herself.  Ben’s mom pulls Emily aside for some private conversation and what comes out of Emily’s mouth is pure word diarrhea.

  • Emily: So I’m one of the youngest ones here. And like I’m 23 and I don’t know, it’s just been,  I don’t know, kind of hard and I know I’m young and I don’t travel a lot but this has been really hard but I have really blossomed and grown and I didn’t know I would turn into this woman. I am young and there is um so much that I want to do and I have so many dreams and I’ve dreamed of being a NFL cheerleader for as long as I can remember.  And so, yeah, the Denver Broncos.
  • Mom: Horrified face.  Fights back tears.
  • Emily: So it’s just your son and he makes me feel ready and not scared.  I’ve always wanted to get married young and have kids young.  I’ve been average my entire life but I feel like I’ll be an above average wife and mother.

Meanwhile, Ben’s dad calls Emily “very attractive,” and “very young.”  Emily has some alone time with Ben’s dad and tells him that she loves movies and if she could sit around all day, she would watch movies.  And she hates vegetables.

With one rip in her pants too many, her lack of nutritious eating, and her desire to watch movies all day (she’s basically me), Emily pounds the final nail into her proverbial coffin. Poor Em.  She’s such a sweet girl.  And yes, she’s young, and yes, she rambled a bit, but I wouldn’t call her immature.  Maybe slightly naive.  But simply because she wants to be an NFL cheerleader and dyes her hair very very blonde, doesn’t make Emily less deserving of Ben’s love than the next girl.  Maybe she isn’t right for Warsaw, Indiana, but there is definitely some one out there who will love Emily and her twin, exactly as they are.  Maybe even Paul George.  Paul George, you available for my girl Em?

Emily handles the dumping with grace and dignity.  I’m left annoyed by the ABC producers.  Do you really think Ben was considering marrying Emily?  Was this entire date designed to embarrass her?  Was he really just unsure?  What do you guys think?

Ben skips the cocktail party and hands out roses to JoJo, Lauren and Caila.  Becca, looking livid, whispers into Ben’s ear, “why did you do that,”  as though Becca, despite already being on this dumb show once, does not understand the show’s premise.  Apparently she thought threatening him with “don’t blindside me,” meant she couldn’t be eliminated the same way EVERY GIRL gets eliminated.  Now please Becca, don’t come back.  Bye.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dragon Breath

The ladies grab their sarongs, sombreros, and string bikinis and head to Mexico City. Ben is confident that with just enough tequila and lime, he can find the woman he’s supposed to marry.  He does not specify if that woman is among the hand selected ABC group, or if he will find his own local mamacita.

The girls arrive at the Four Seasons and Olivia is most excited that she has a bidet.  So many jokes I could make about that, but alas, they are too crass.

One-on-One – Amanda: Let’s Put All Our Eggs in One Basket

Olivia is outraged that Ben would chose her for a one-on-one date.  Doesn’t he know she has… CHILDREN?  The way she says it makes it seem like Amanda has some sort of communicable disease.  Olivia knows children are not what Ben wants.  Um. Really?  Moving on.

Ben decides to surprise the women at 4:30 AM in the hotel room to catch a glimpse of the women in their natural state.  I would have a look of pure hostility on my face.  Nothing makes me more upset than people waking me up.  I wouldn’t even care about the zit cream on my face or the rancid, stagnant toot/ bad breath air (don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about).  I would just be so annoyed with Ben’s perky personality.  Note to husband – nothing makes me dislike you more than when you pop up like a piece of toast and expect me to join suit.  The teacher wears a retainer (totally me), Olivia is unrecognizable and has dragon breath, and Amanda pops out of bed with a face full of flawless makeup and perfectly curled hair.  Right.

Ben takes Amanda and her tiny little voice and bare shoulders on a hot air balloon ride.  I spent the entire date wondering if Amanda’s roots were intentional?  Is that a look?

After the ballon ride, Amanda tells Ben about how her husband was up to no good on his cell phone with other women.  You know what’s ironic?  All these women telling Ben about how their past boyfriends and relationships ended after their partner was unfaithful.  And yet, now they are on the Bachelor…a show that is premised on a dude dating 25 women at the SAME TIME.  Amanda gets the rose.

Group Date

There are seriously some women I’ve never seen before on this date.  Leah?  Who the heck are you!?

The group takes a spanish lesson, which I would bomb. I can’t tell you how frequently I practice trying to roll my Rs with zero success.  One time I rolled my Rs in my sleep and it was glorious.  When Spanish class is over, the girls split into teams of two to go grocery shopping for a cooking contest.  In Mexico they say if you know how to cook, you are ready to get married.

Hey Mexico, the 1950’s called.  They want their motto back.

At the after party, Jubilee starts to slowly deteriorate.  She can’t handle the group date, she’s tired of watching Ben hold hands with other women, she doesn’t have an outgoing personality, Lauren B stole her all white outfit and Olivia’s dragon breath is slowly inducing unconsciousness.

Speaking of Lauren B, while Jubilee starts to have a mental health breakdown, Ben whisks Lauren into the streets of Mexico to make out with her.  When Ben returns, Ben decides it’s time to talk with Jubilee.  He reaches out to take her hand and she rebuffs his attempts.  Probably because you have another woman’s lipstick all over your face.  Just a thought.

The handholding rejection, and general puss-face during group dates, leads Ben to the conclusion that Jubilee will not, in fact, be his wifey.  He makes her leave immediately.  And yet, Dragon Breath remains. Ben rejoins the group and tells them the following: “so um yeah.  Jubilee was someone who I found incredibly intriguing when I first met her.  But now I don’t.  Because she wouldn’t hold my hand in front of your guys.  And that threatened my manhood.  And even though we’re in Mexico and she won the cooking contest and therefore, she’s wife material, she doesn’t like group dates and if my wife doesn’t like it when I date other women, then I don’t want that sort of wife.  Got it?  If I want to date in groups, I’m going to date in groups and my wife better be ok with that.”

The remaining girls all reassure Ben that they are totally fine with him dating as many women as he wants. Dragon Breath got the group date rose.

Second One-on-One Date: Lauren (Kindergarten teacher)

Ben takes Lauren to a fashion show during Mexico City’s fashion week because nothing screams fashion like a kindergarten teacher from Michigan. Miranda Priestly shows up to deliver the news to Lauren that she and Ben will be walking in the fashion show.  They actually manage to do a pretty good job!

At dinner, Lauren tells Ben, wait for it…all about how her ex boyfriend cheated on her.  Is that a new prerequisite for the show?  Bachelor application:

  • Must be willing to show 90% of your skin, regardless of weather conditions
  • Must be willing to make out with Bachelor upon demand, even after Dragon Breath
  • Must be emotionally damaged, including but not limited to the following damaging situations:
    • been cheated on
    • been abused
    • family tragedy
    • used to be fat but then became anorexic
  • Must have body mass index of less than 16
  • Must be less than 25 years of age but older than 20.
  • Must be unemployed or have a job that no self-sufficient woman over the age of 25 would ever dream of having (again, anyone over 25 need not apply)
  • Must fit into shorts you bought in the 6th grade, which really, was not that long ago
  • Must have access to hair extensions, fake eye lashes, and a curling iron
  • Must be willing to say “I do” upon ABC’s demand
  • Must like gaudy rings

Lauren gets the rose.

At the cocktail party, to quote 10 Things I Hate About You, one of the best movies EVER, the shit has hitteth the fan.  While discussing her issues with her ex-husband’s lack of parenting, Olivia tells Amanda it feels like an episode of Teen Mom.

Oh girl.  No you didn’t.  The remaining twin is fed up.  She decides it’s time to pull the blindfold off Ben’s face and tell him all about Dragon Breath’s real personality.

  • Twin: SHE SUCKS.
  • Ben: For real? But she has such a big mouth.
  • Twin: She disrespects me so much.  I’m really upset.
  • Ben: I really appreciate you telling me this.  Between you and me, the ABC producers keep shoving her down my throat.  You too, but that’s a conversation we can have another time.

Right as Ben is about to start handing out roses, Ben asks to speak privately with Olivia.

DUN DUN DUN.

And the show ends.  Will she stay or will she go?!?!

 

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,