Category Archives: travel

You’re Not Going to Get Hurt, You’re Beautiful

A mere two weeks ago, I looked at my television screen, unable to recognize some of the contestants still vying for Ben’s affection.  And now, here we are, with only four women remaining, eager to reintroduce themselves to their families as the future Mrs. Higgins.  I’d be willing to bet my life that none of the women remaining can name the literary reference.

First Hometown: Amanda 

Ben heads to Laguna Beach in hopes of spotting LC, Kristen, Steven and Talan to meet Amanda’s two babies. Ben finds Amanda frolicking on the beach in some shorts she borrowed from her two year old daughter, and a shirt (a word I use in the loosest way possible) that is missing essential elements such as a back, support, structure, and straps. The shirt threatens to expose her womanhood with every step she takes towards Ben.  The ABC staff is on standby with double-sided tape and a black box.  Right as I’m about to be horrified by Amanda’s shirt with wings, I see Ben’s shorts (?) that look like they were pasted on.  Boxer-briefs are so the new shorts.

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photo source

As the photo illustrates, the absurd outfits extended to the toddlers too.  Gladiator sandals at the beach, on babies = totally practical.

The family of four spend the day idyllically running around on the beach.  But, like all good things, they must come to an end.  And they come to an end quickly during the car ride home.  The ABC producers sit in the back of car with the two little girls and pepper them with questions about their dad’s lack of involvement and their mother’s failed marriage.  As the girls cry the duration of the car ride home, Amanda looks like she needs a Xanax.  She secretly curses the girls for acting their age as she tries to secure them a new daddy.  Ben reminds himself over and over again that next week is the fantasy suite date.  He can do this.

Back at Amanda’s house, Ben meets Amanda’s parents and sister.  Amanda ditches the littlest one in her crib as soon as possible.  Ben wonders if it’s acceptable to have a beer. Amanda’s fam asks Ben the expected questions, like can you be a dad, blah blah blah.  They are all very nice people.  And the answer is no, Ben is not ready for this.

To end the hometown date, ABC exploits the situation just a tad more by making Ben read a fairytale to the children about his relationship with their mother.  Way to secure these children therapy for the next 25 years.

Second Hometown Date: Lauren

Ben travels to Portland next to visit Lauren B.  Ben, as an aspiring hipster, is thrilled with the opportunity to visit such a hip city.  Lauren does everything right: she takes him to the trendy part of town where they gorge on food truck delectables, including grilled cheese, which Lauren B pretends is a regular part of her diet; they hit up the coziest, coolest whiskey library (which Lauren improperly pronounces as “libary” like one of Amanda’s children); and last but not least, Lauren’s date does not include any screaming children.  Lauren is winning.

When they are appropriately boozed up, Lauren and Ben head to Lauren’s house to meet her father-clone, mother, sister, two little brothers, and 18 year old dog (adorable).  They look like they just stepped out of a Vineyard Vine’s photo-shoot.    Lauren’s family calls her LoLo. Just leaving that out there.

LoLo’s sister takes the first opportunity to nab Ben and grill him about their relationship.

  • LoLo’s sister: LoLo is smart, beautiful, funny, hardworking, super skinny, bottled blonde, etc.  A million guys could easily fall in love with her.  Why do you think she’s so special?
  • Ben: Um.  For all the reasons you just said?
  • LoLo’s sister: Um hm.
  • Ben: I don’t know.  [starts crying].

LoLo’s sister wants to hear straight from the horse’s mouth, what said horse is thinking.  And no I’m not calling Lauren a horse.  It was a cliche gone wrong.  LoLo tells sister, “I feel like Ben is my person.” Dear god, LoLo, please refrain from quoting Gray’s Anatomy.  K, thanks.

Dad tells Lauren, “I don’t want my baby LoLo hurt.”  I throw up a little in my mouth.

Third Hometown Date: Caila 

Ben meets Caila in her current hometown, Hudson, Ohio.  It’s a slice of sweet midwestern charm.  Caila takes Ben to a swinging bench to make out and fulfill her high school wishes. Ben happily obliges.

When Caila’s lips get chapped, she takes Ben to her father’s toy company where they design their own house.  When the designing is done, they actually build the house in the factory.  It’s adorable.  Also, Caila, free legal advice: make sure you get a prenup.  As Ben carries Caila out of the factory, Caila says she knows Ben is the one.  She knows she is going to marry Ben.  Hope you just knocked on wood, girlfriend.

Back at home, Ben meets Caila’s adorable mother (you rock those braces, momma!), CEO dad, and younger brother.  They are such a sweet family.  Also, I would kill for homemade Filipino food.

Caila’s mom steals Ben away to get to know him.  I can’t get over her youthful glow.  She has no wrinkles.  Ben should definitely procreate with Caila–their children will be beautiful! Meanwhile, Caila tearfully tells her dad that she knows, “this is it.”  Caila’s dad tries to stifle his laughter.  “Sweety,” he says in a tone which translates to get a grip, you are better than this.  Caila tells her dad we all make mistakes, just like you and those orange pants.

Caila’s mom has a totally different reaction to the news of Caila’s recently discovered love.  She instructs Caila to jump on Ben and tell him how you feel.  Like all the ladies before, Caila chickens out and can’t get the words, “I love you,” out of her mouth.

Fourth Hometown Date: JoJo

The first three days were so normal. ABC had to do something to spruce up this episode with the last hometown date.  They pull out all the stops – a reconsidering, desperate ex-boyfriend, drunk possessive brothers who verbally abuse Ben, and a mom who drinks straight from the bottle.  Let’s dive right in.

In Dallas, JoJo arrives at her apartment to find flowers outside her door.  Aw, she muses, my sweet Ben is so thoughtful!  She starts reading the accompanying love-letter, feeling her love for Ben grow.  The note references the fact that JoJo has been gone for 39 days.

Wait. Hit the breaks. These people have only been on this show for 39 days and yet, YET, they are actually contemplating MARRIAGE.  Pump. The. Breaks. Someone. PLEASE.

It takes JoJo reading at least half the letter before she realizes it is from the evil Stephano (Legally Blonde anyone?), I mean Chad.  JoJo recoils in horror, “no!”  But yes, JoJo.  This is all part of ABC’s plan.  They get JoJo right where they want her- crying, emotional and dialing her ex Chad.   Chad keeps up his end of the bargain, answers her call, and pretends to be interested in her.  It’s the easiest $500 Chad has ever made.

JoJo fanatically hangs up the ABC iPhone when Ben pulls up to her house.  At first Ben thinks JoJo is crying at the sight of him, but soon realizes that makes no sense.  JoJo fills Ben in on the drama.  Ben looks annoyed.  JoJo pretends like she’s done with Chad.  10 bucks says Chad and JoJo are back together at this very moment.

As though this drama wasn’t enough, ABC has agreed to pay JoJo’s brothers to treat Ben like total dirt.  Bring it on!

Ben and JoJo roll up to JoJo’s mansion, which I assume JoJo’s mom’s botched plastic surgery medical malpractice suit paid for.

Ok. Guys.  What in the world. JoJo’s brother Matt basically tries to make out with JoJo upon her entrance into the house.  She can’t get him off of her.  It’s really bizarre and creepy.  JoJo’s other brother, Ben, is her step-brother, and appeared on his own dating reality tv show “Ready for Love,” not that I watched the entire canceled show or anything. He also appears to be in love with JoJo.

JoJo and her mom retreat to one of the 22 bedrooms to have a conversation about JoJo’s feelings for Ben.  It becomes very obvious that the mom has no idea what this show is about, how it works, or how to register emotions properly anymore. JoJo tells her mom she’s falling in love with Ben.  “I just don’t want to get hurt,” says JoJo. Mom replies, “you’re not going to get hurt, you’re beautiful!”  Let’s take a moment and dissect that.  In the legal world, we call that a non-sequitor.  It does not follow, lady.  “But mom, there are three other girls involved.”  Oh, says mom, completely clueless.

Before I can even say Chris Harrison, the whole family unravels and I feel like I’m watching a scene from the Godfather.

Brother Ben walks into the kitchen and accuses Bachelor Ben of brainwashing the women. Apparently JoJo is incapable of thinking or feeling for herself?  There is no way she can have any emotional investment in Ben unless he brainwashed her? But no sooner can I answer these pressing questions when mom picks up a champagne bottle and DRINKS STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE.

That actually happened.

Dad leans over to Mom and gently reminds her the cameras are rolling and they have plenty of available expensive stemware.

Brother Matt accuses Ben of coached answers and basically calls him a phony.  Is this dude for real?  The mom tries to defend Ben by saying JoJo has been holding back, and Matt tells his mother, “you need to take a step back.”  To your own mother??  Apparently no women in the house are allowed to have opinions.

And yet, JoJo stays.  I assume it’s because of her red dress and sparkly earrings (which I must have).  At the rose ceremony in LA, Ben sends home pint-sized mom, Amanda.  I feel for her – she handles the rejection like the sweet lady she is.  I have no doubt that Amanda will do alright in this world.  But why keep JoJo??! What do you guys think?  Was anyone else disturbed by JoJo’s bros? Are they in love with her?  Were they drunk?  Did they just want to have a little fun?  Is Chad in on this!?

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Like a Virgin

Basically, I stink.  Worst blogger in the history of bloggers.  I’m so sorry for my major major delay AGAIN in posting.  I was still dealing with some personal things that precluded me from doing a recap of the overnight dates.  Oh and also, my hand is too sore to type from having to haul this new thing around:

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That’s right.  I’ve accepted the final rose!  Now let’s start analyzing who might accept the Farmer’s final rose…

ABC has finally decided to spend a little money and take the remaining three women and Farmer, to Bali.  Megan is somewhere shaking her head that she’s not going to get a second stamp in her passport.  Farmer says that if he’s going to pop a Neil Lane on someone’s finger at the end of this journey, then he needs to make sure they are down for a little somethin’ somethin’ in the bedroom.  He uses the term “intimacy,” but we all know that translates to “somethin’ somethin’.”  Basically, Farmer is going for three for three.

One on One: Kaitlyn 

Kaitlyn gets to go first (lucky lady – how would you like to go third?  Ick.).  For the date, Kaitlyn picks out a pair of light pink shorts she borrowed from her 13-year-old sister.  She wraps her legs around Farmer when she greets him and we are moments away from needing a Jillian privacy box.  The two of them head into a sacred temple, where they aren’t allowed to kiss, and where multiple sarongs need to be wrapped round Kaitlyn, since she essentially left the hotel in her underwear.

They spend the rest of the date talking to locals, walking through the streets and letting monkeys crawl on top of Farmer’s head. At dinner, Kailtyn says she is going to let her guard down tonight.  Farmer is totally stoked.  He hands her the card, which still reads: “Welcome to the magical island of Bali.  I hope you are enjoying your stay.  Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.”  How weird is it that they still use the word fantasy?  Ew.  That grosses me out.  They both agree they “deserve,” this and head off to the fantasy suite, which includes a bath of rose petals.   She tells him she is falling in love with him and he says he’s falling in love with her.  Wowza!  Really?  Farmer, I don’t think you’re supposed to say that!

One on One: Whitney 

Farmer must like Whit a little more than Kaitlyn because he takes her on a beautiful boat ride with champagne.  Whit dwells on her hometown date and basically tells Farmer she hopes her sister didn’t ruin her chances of marriage.  Farmer tells Whit he respects her sister’s position but it doesn’t change anything.  He in confident when the time is right, sister will give Farmer her blessing.  They jump into the ocean, which looks cold and tumultuous, and talk about metaphors related to jumping and love.

At dinner, Farmer talks about Arlington and whether Whit could actually move there.  Whit tells Farmer that she would probably never choose to move to the middle of nowhere BUT she always felt like something was missing and wants marriage and children to complete her.  She says babies will be her career.  Well, babies are kind of all ready your career Whit…

Whit feels confident enough to move to Arlington and also to forgo her individual room key.  Luckily, ABC puts them in a clean room.

One on One: Becca 

Becca decides to wear really weird black rain repellant gym shorts on this date.  I don’t know why.  When in Bali. She knows today is the day she has to finally tell Farmer that she’s a virgin.  Meanwhile, Farmer is contemplating that he’s about to go three for three. Farmer and Becca explore the Bali countryside and make out in a river.  They meet with some Bali guru who gives Becca advice to make love tonight.  Becca literally has sweat beads pouring off her face.  Ten bucks says the guru works for ABC.

Becca and Farmer talk about Arlington and how small it is.  Becca says there’s no way in heck she’s moving to Arlington unless she’s really sure about Farmer.  She says she’s still sorting through her feelings for Farmer.  Honesty is not going to get you to the end Becca.  If you want to win this thing, then you tell him Arlington is everything you’ve ever dreamed of.  You can’t wait to sport the Iowa hairdo.

Farmer says it’s time to get to know each other on a “whole new level.”  Uh oh. Sorry Farmer, you will not gain carnal knowledge of Becca tonight.  Becca agrees to spend the night in the fantasy suite nicer hotel room than her own and break the news to Farmer.  She takes so long to tell him, I start to wonder if he is worried about her anatomy.  Finally she gets it out.  The V word.  Chris lets out a big sigh.  He was so close to winning 100 bucks from Harrison.  Farmer stumbles over his words and says it’s not easy to respond but that he respects that.  Then they make out.

Rose Ceremony 

In the morning, Farmer is confused.  How will he know if Becca is marriage material without knowing her intimately?  Also, she doesn’t want to move to Arlington.  Like, sup with that?

The girls are all dressed in their finest Bali-wear.  Farmer wears a karate uniform. Farmer does not know what to do and pulls Becca aside.  Kaitlyn and Whit start prematurely celebrating their impending move to Arlington.  Not so fast (Kaitlyn!).

They chit chat about Arlington more and Farmer tells Becca he really cares about her and is just trying to make a good decision.  Farmer brings Becca back to the rose ceremony.  Kaitlyn’s eyes bug out upon seeing Becca and she whispers an “oh shoot” under her breath.  And for good reason.  Whit is mad too. She says about Becca, “She’s young.  She lacks life experience and she’s not ready.”  Someone sounds threatened.

Becca and Whit are going home to Iowa.  Kaitlyn is taking the lonely plane ride back to Canada. Whit has a smug mug on when she sees Kaitlyn get rejected.  How are these the final two?  Boring and even more boring.

When Farmer says goodbye to Kaitlyn, she refuses to look him in the eyes.  As Farmer hugs her, we can hear his pounding heart.  I hope they have an ABC medic near; that is a racing heart!  She replays the fantasy date night in her head and definitely wishes she was a virgin in this moment.  A rooster crows in the middle of Chris’ explanation, which consisted of a series of “I don’t knows.”  Another rooster crows, signaling it’s time for Kaitlyn to get in the rejection van.

Farmer is left contemplating his fate with the sweatiest arm pits I’ve ever seen.  Someone get this man a towel. And a new shirt.

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Mom, Don’t Google my Wife

Five hours.  I spent five hours of my life watching last week’s episodes of the Bachelor.  And then one of my sisters hadn’t seen some of the show so I watched three more hours for a second time.   The word you’re looking for to describe me is “pathetic.”

But, faithful readers, I have a slight issue.  I just don’t think I can fully recap five hours worth of TV before the next episode airs tonight.  You see, I’ve had a busy busy week.  Life got in the way and I simply ran out of time.  And I might have bronchitis.  Or maybe I just had a little too grand of a time in New Orleans last week.  Either way, I  left New Orleans with 137 pounds of beads, a wicked cold, half my lung function, and a very squished King Cake.

So let’s talk as quickly as I can about the five hours of your life you’ll never get back.

Hour One: The Interviews 

Black Widow is still half a bubble off plumb.  I read an interview with Kardashley and Kardashley said Black Widow told her the following:

I didn’t get the autopsy back for two months, so for two months I was worried that I fed him something wrong.

You guys.  Come on.  I am more convinced than ever that Kelsey will end up on Dateline one of these days.

Farmer said nothing interesting in his interview.

Andi came on to sob on camera about her heartbreak over Josh.  I was totally focused on Andi’s face – did anyone else think it looked like it was made of plastic?  Botox?  It didn’t move!  Do you guys think she’s trying to make a second run at the Bachelorette?

Hours Two and Three: Deadwood to Dead Iowa

When the show resumed, the group was still in Deadwood (if you recall, Farmer had just left Black Widow and Kardashley in the Badlands).  Farmer isn’t done dumping women quite yet though.  He returns to the remaining women and sends Megan home.  Probably a good idea.  I hope she has her passport.

Farmer tells the girls that he wants to take them to a place near and dear to his heart: Iowa.  The girls all hoot and holler.  If I were on this show I’d be like wait, really?  We are leaving South Dakota and headed to Iowa?  How did I end up on the season where the exotic dates take place in Des Moines?  Where are the trips to Thailand?  And Lake Louise?

Jade gets the first one on one date and heads to Arlington, Farmer’s home town.  He thinks Jade will fit in well there because she’s from a small Nebraska town and has those wholesome small town values.  Like getting naked for Playboy.  Jade gets a tour of deserted Arlington, sees Farmer’s Bachelor pad (it’s a nice Bachelor pad, at least) and then attends the local high school football game.  Then she gets a tour of Farmer’s high school because, well, it’s Arlington and there’s nothing left to see.

Whit Whit gets the second one-on-one date.  The two of them traipse around Des Moines taking pictures of each other.  And that’s all that happens.  Whitney gets to meet Farmer’s three best friends and they all seem to have a grand time.  And this is why watching peoples every day lives is completely boring.  Nothing about this date was exciting but it was completely normal.  Guess what ABC, normal does not make ratings.  Bring back Black Widow!

Meanwhile, back at the Des Moines Holiday Inn, Carly, Britt, Becca and Kaitlyn are all discussing Arlington.  Then the ABC producers suggest it occurs to one of them that they should rent a car and drive to Arlington. ” Like, we’ll all go.  Road trip!”  Name the movie!

The girls cruise down I-80, stopping to take pictures at the Worlds Largest Truck Stop and giggle and scream when they see the sign marking the spot for Arlington.  But then they realize the sign WAS Arlington.  They blow through “downtown” and suddenly realize that the abandoned filling station WAS downtown.  Britt can’t even.  They find the local pastor, who happens to be on his front porch shucking corn and singing hymns and ask him where they can drink tequila around these parts.  Pastor tells him they have to drive beyond the corn rows to find tequila, dinner, and movies.  I’m half expecting Professor Harold Hill to appear with a suitcase full of musical instruments.

Alas, the girls return to the big city and Britt suddenly had a change of heart.  She CAN live in Arlington because she’s seen the sun set there.  And since the sun sets in Arlington, it can’t be that bad.  Carly is not having any of this.  She thinks Britt is fake and she’s had enough – she plans to tell Farmer as soon as she can.  Meanwhile, Jade pulls Carly aside to confide about her nude modeling past and asks if Carly thinks Farmer will be into that.  Carly’s eyebrows, although permanently surprised looking, manage to become more arched.  Carly tells the camera, “hey mom, don’t google my wife!”

Later, Britt, Carly and Kaitlyn head to a rink to play some hockey.  Carly takes this opportunity to tell Farmer that Britt is a big fat phony and that just because she’s pretty doesn’t mean she should always get her way.  Farmer is stunned to learn that Britt didn’t LOVE Arlington because 10 seconds ago Britt was just raving to Farmer about how she could totally picture herself chasing her children through the corn fields and rocking on the front porch each night.

Kaitlyn gets the group date rose and Britt starts to unravel.  She legit loses it.  In front of Carly, and rose-receiver Kaitlyn, Britt basically says to Farmer why the BEEP would you give the rose to that chick when I’m sitting right here. Then she pretty much says, no offense Kaitlyn, but really, like I’m here and I’m obviously like way prettier than you and like, Farmer always gives me the rose.  Why would you validate her feelings and not mine?  I. AM. THE. ONLY. ONE. WHO. MATTERS.

Hours Four and Five: Dead Iowa to Hometown Dates

Yes, seriously.  Hours four and five.  Why did we do this to ourselves?  Amazingly enough, my boyfriend sat through the entire FIVE HOURS because he couldn’t really make a scene about it in front of my sister. Ha!

Becca receives the last one on one date in Des Moines.  It’s boring.  Like her.  But I like her yellow shirt!  Next!

At the hotel, Britt tells the girls she is going to send herself home.  She just can’t be with someone who doesn’t validate her and gives roses to Kaitlyn over herself.  Carly rolls her eyes, sighs and questions Britt.  Britt says there’s probably nothing Farmer can say to get her to stay.  Kaitlyn says Britt probably wants to see if Farmer will fight for her, otherwise she’s leaving first.

It’s time for the cocktail party except right when the girls are ready to get their drink on the Almighty Chris pops in to say Farmer knows what he wants to do and thus a cocktail party is not necessary.  Britt starts to panic.  She was going to tell Farmer she was leaving during the drink hour!  As soon as Farmer appears with the roses she pulls him aside and reiterates her love for the farm life.  Farmer isn’t buying it and tells her basically he knows she’s faking it.  And he doesn’t want a wife like this. Britt cries pretty tears in the driveway while Carly gleefully tells the camera that this is what happens to normal girls.  And then Carly is sent home.

It’s time for hometown dates!  Becca is up first. Farmer goes to visit her perfect little family in Louisiana.  Boring day.  Becca is a virgin blah blah blah.

Next, Farmer heads to Chicago to visit Whitney’s family.  Whitney tries to test Farmer’s little swimmers.  She takes him to a room where he can make his deposit.  As he sits down to sift through the pile of Playboys he’s stunned when he sees Jade!  Whitney reassures Farmer that she’s never once posed nude and is safe to google.  Farmer asks Whitney’s sister for permission to marry Whitney and sister basically says eh I don’t think so.  Whitney is crushed but Farmer doesn’t seem too fazed.  Anyone else notice he didn’t seek permission from any of the other girls’ families?

Farmer goes to visit the Canadian next in Phoenix, because, as I said, this season is the USA version and there is simply no international traveling.  Canadian makes Farmer rap, which I’m totally over.  Blah blah blah.  Boring.

And finally, Farmer heads to nowhere Nebraska to visit wholesome Jade.  Jade is proud that her town is 10 times bigger than Arlington.  Jades’s brothers call her a wild mustang and Jade’s dad tells Farmer Jade is totally out of control and he has no idea.  Farmer tells Jade’s dad he likes Jade because of her values.  Dad stares blankly.  Jade decides that she needs to tell Farmer ASAP about her naked past before he takes to google himself.  Back at the local Super 8, Jade tells Farmer that she did some nude modeling and then asks if she can show him the photos.  Oh AND a video.  Farmer doesn’t know where to look and is beyond awkward yet hopeful that he can re-google all of this later in private.  Jade is pleased.

But then Jade is eliminated because as Carly said, “mom, don’t google my wife.”

This week we have the fantasy suite dates!  Woohoo!

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I Know What You Did

pan·ic
/’panik/
noun
1.   sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behavior.
      “she fell to the floor in panic”

       synonyms: alarm, anxiety, nervousness, fear, fright, trepidation, dread, terror, agitation, hysteria, consternation,
perturbation, dismay, apprehension.


Panic.  It’s where the Bachelor left us last week and where we start off episode six.

pho·ny

/’fōnē/

informal adjective

1.   not genuine; fraudulent; black widow.

“I thought your panic attack was a bit phony”    

synonyms: bogus, false, fake, fraudulent, spurious; Kelsey.

Phony.  It’s also where episode six begins.  To be more precise, there’s a phony pile of panic attack laying on the floor outside the bathroom in the form of Kelsey.  Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey.  We’ve seen a lot colorful characters roam the rose-lined halls of Bachelor High but we’ve never seen anyone quite like you.  As the Canadian said, “bitches be crazy.”


Rewind to last week.  Kelsey becomes nervous after Farmer unexpectedly cancels the rose ceremony.  She decides her dead husband story was not the nail in the coffin she had hoped it would be to secure her the rose.  And drastic times call for drastic measures.  Thus, Kelsey falls to the floor outside the bathroom in a perfect heap, her legs firmly together.  When she gets herself positioned just so, she starts emitting the most pitiful sounds.  Not quite a cry, not quite a hyperventilation.  The medic arrives and Kelsey tells the medic the only thing that will stop the panic is Farmer.  She tells the medic that after this she better get a rose tonight, in fact she better get the whole bunch.  As she laughs.  Funny how jovial you can be in the midst of a major panic attack.

Kelsey rejoins the other ladies after she’s decided to stop having a panic attack, where the girls are less than believing.  Ashley summed it up best, “total phony-baloney.”  When all is said and done, Kelsey tells the camera that the one feeling she can express today is “how happy” she is.  The feeling I’m feeling right now is fear.   She’s the black widow, baby.

Because Black Widow’s “episode” spanned two episodes, we go straight to the rose ceremony that should have happened last week.  Mackenzie and some chick you’ve never seen before in your life get sent home.  Next stop?  Deadwood, South Dakota!

I actually love South Dakota.  Such a fun state – so beautiful and so many cool things to see!

One on One: Becca – Let’s Give Love a Shot

Black Widow is not happy.  She says this is not ok.  She didn’t go through all that acting just to lose out on the one on one date.  Watch your back Farmer.

Farmer and Becca head into the country-side on horseback.  But the real drama is back in the hotel room where Carly and some other ladies decide it’s time to confront the Black Widow about her wily ways.  Here’s how the conversation went down:

  • Whitney: *High voice* Ok, so.  I just need tahhh beh open about my feelin’s.  At the rose ceremony you were laughin’.  An’ I thought how can she be so lighthearted about all this right nah?
  • Kelsey: *Feigning confusion and innocence* I didn’t start laughing.
  • Carly:  Yes you did, YOU PSYCHO.
  • Kelsey: I did?
  • Whitney: You got sick in the bathroom. And then you said you better get a rose.
  • Kelsey: Laughter.
  • Kelsey: I overcame a significant emotional hurdle.  Because you know, I’m widowed.  And I have fake tears in my eyes because I think it makes me more convincing.  I’ve never had a panic attack in my entire life.  *Whispering for dramatic effect* It was terrifying.
  • Carly:  You’re a psycho.  Farmer doesn’t see this side of you. You are not nice and make sly comments.
  • Kelsey: I have so much respect and admiration and I just genuinely like you guys.  I’m glad we had this conversation.  I’ll do my best to be mindful.

After, Kelsey tells the camera, “I get it.  I am blessed with eloquence.  And I’m articulate.  And I use a lot of big words because I’m smart.”

Has anyone ever heard Kelsey use “big” words?  Do eloquence and articulate count?

But I digress.  There is a really boring date to get back to.  Becca and Farmer talk about their five year plan and it’s definitely better than when Farmer asked the body builder that question.  Rose and first kiss for Becca.

Back at the Deadwood Suites, the group date card arrives.  That means that the other date is the dreaded two-on-one date.   And who better to go on that date than Black Widow v. Kardashley.   Kardashley is excited because she says she’s going to kick some Black Widow booty.  Black Widow is excited because she’s going to use either poison or black magic to win this round.

Group  Date: Let’s Make Sweet Music

The girls are joined by country group Big & Rich to compose songs to perform for Farmer.  Jade is paralyzed with fear.  It’s much easier posing nude (Jade posed with nothin’ but her birthday suit on for Playboy).  Whitney and Megan are totally excited because they are Southern gals and love country music.  Britt is unfamiliar with the duo but likes the idea of Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.

Jade Tells Big (or maybe Rich) that she’s on the struggle bus and feels stupid.  He suggests she get naked but when she says no, he decides making her run down the streets of Deadwood is the next best thing.  Jade’s fears are overcome. PS – I’m now secretly loving Big & Rich.  They seem like such sweet guys!

Meanwhile, Britt and Farmer hang all over each other and make out while the other girls look on with rage and jealousy pumping through their veins.  Britt doesn’t know why everyone is mad at her – she’s just testing out her song lyrics, “save a horse, ride a farm boy.”

Performance time.  Here’s a recap:

  • Farmer: *Chugs beer* I’m on ahhhhh journey to find my wifffffffe. Baby come home with me. Corn rows.
  • Britt:  *Moving to the beat/ Raspy voice* I wanna hear that sweet sweet music.  Don’t let me down.
  • Whitney: *Higher octave than her normal voice – didn’t know it was possible* windows break.
  • Canadian: Swearing and rapping. Obviously.
  • Megan: Surprisingly good voice.  Something about being speechless.  Does that explain why she seems like such an airhead?
  • Carly: *Professional singer* goes for gold by making Farmer sit next to her while she serenades him.
  • Jade: *For some reason this is sung in Whitney’s octave* more glass shattering.

Farmer decides he’d rather spend the rest of the night alone making out with Britt without the glaring judgmental eyes of the other ladies, so Britt and Farmer take off running to escape prying eyes.  They find themselves on stage at the Big & Rich concert, making out on stage.  Rose for Britt.  Meanwhile, the rest of the girls on this “date” are left to stew alone on the couch, wondering where their “boyfriend” went.  When Britt and Farmer finally take their tongues out of each other’s mouths and return to the group, they are met with icy stares, silence and tears.  Farmer excuses himself and leaves Britt to deal with the death stares.

Two-on-One Date: Crazy v. Crazier 

Ashley v. Kelsey.  Kardashley v. Black Widow.  Immature v. Scary.  What do you think?  Who is better for Farmer?  Virgin?  Or the one who KNOWS what it’s like to be a wife?

The trio takes a very long, mostly silent, and excruciatingly awkward helicopter ride to the Badlands.  As soon as Kardashley gets Farmer alone, she relies on her only trick up her sleeve: sloppily making out with him.  Farmer pries Kardashley off of him so he can get the scoop on Kelsey.  He wants to know if she’s as whacked out as he fears.  Kardashley tells Farmer, Black Widow doesn’t gel with the rest of the group.  Because she’s diagnosed as a sociopath on the DSM.

With that information, Farmer pulls Kelsey aside to throw Kardashley under the bus.  It went something like this:

  • Farmer: Kardashley says you’re the black widow.  Nobody likes you.  Sup with that?
  • Kelsey:  I am prepared to be a wife because I’ve been one.  I know how to be a wife.  The question is do you want me to be YOUR wife?
  • Farmer: Um, no.  You terrify me.  I want my wife to be able to handle social situations well.  Someone who people want to be around.  Kardashley says you are fake. That scares me.
  • Kelsey: Maniacal laughter.  I am SO HURT.  I considered Kardashley my BEST FRIEND FOREVER.  I don’t know what else to say.  I am just being myself (scary thought).  I’m not lost in this world of roses and Harrison.  This is my choice. I would hate for you to let go of all of the potential between us because of “girl talk.”

Black Widow tells the camera, “I just got thrown under the bus.  That is HURTFUL.   HURTFUL.  She’s a Kardashian wanna-be who didn’t get to go on her princess date.  Who has WAY TOO MUCH MAKEUP on to be genuine.  I am a WOMAN. She thinks she’s playing a game but I’m not.”

And then the scariest thing EVER happens.  Black Widow comes back to some random bed plopped down in the middle of the Badlands to stare down Kardashley.  After what seems like an hour, Black Widow says, “I know what you did.  And I do not appreciate it.”  In the most terrifying tone I’ve ever heard.  Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

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http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2943546/The-Bachelor-pits-Ashley-versus-Kelsey-dramatic-clip-two-one-date-Chris-Soules.html

Kardashley came back with the best lines ever though.  In fact, I officially love Kardashley after she stands up to Kelsey’s bullying.  She says, “Just because I don’t use as many big words as you doesn’t mean I’m not as smart.  Sorry I’m not from pleasantville, I’m from friggin’ 2014.  You and I both have our masters, and I have it from a good place.  And if you don’t think I’m intelligent to see through you, you’re friggin’ hilarious.”  Lots of friggin’s, but Girl’s from Jersey so I’m going to let that slide.

Kardashley storms off to find Farmer to give him an ear full.  And I don’t blame her.  What a jerk for soliciting her opinion of Kelsey and then TELLING Kelsey what Kardashley said about her.  Wrong Farmer, wrong.  I wish Kardashley would have told Farmer she was leaving but instead Farmer dumps her first.

Farmer tells Kardashley that the Five ‘n Dime General Store in the next town over only gets five pairs of fake eyelashes in a year and it’s usually around Halloween.  He just doesn’t see her living in Iowa given her propensity for all things princess.  Kardashley responds with another apropos zinger, “Oh and you think that Britt wants that lifestyle?  Seriously?”  Touché, Princess, touché.

Black Widow becomes smug when she thinks she got the rose, only to quickly realize Farmer is sending her packing too.  When Kelsey’s luggage gets whisked away at the hotel, the girls seriously start screaming, hollering, poppin’ bottles and dancing.  I’ve never seen a more jovial group of ladies.

I’m a little sad to see Kardashley go – she entertained me in a good way.  Kelsey on the other hand, good riddance.  What do you guys think?  Is Kelsey the black widow?  Is she really that manipulative and conniving? This week we get TWO episodes!

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Isn’t My Story Amazing?

Oh boy.  This week.  Where do I even start?  Do we talk about Kelsey’s sociopathic tendencies?  Do we conduct a geography lesson for Megan, who is beyond excited to “leave the country” for the first time ever and head to New Mexico?  Do we discuss  Britt’s hygiene habits?  So much to talk about, so little time.  Let’s start in Santa Fe, New Mexico.  Get your passports handy.

The plane touches down in New Mexico and Megan is surprised and disappointed that for some reason she doesn’t need to convert her dollars to pesos.  She remains hopeful though that the locals will all wear sombreros.

One on One Date: Carly- Let’s Come Together 

Oye.  This date.  One of the most awkward dates I’ve ever watched.  PS, did you guys know Carly is Zak’s sister from Des’ season?  Zak made it to the final four (to jog your memory, he was always taking his clothes off.  Seems like Carly has a little more restrain than her brother).

bachelorette-zak-w-desiree

{photo source: https://thebigkibitz.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/bachelorette-zak-w-desiree.png}

Did anyone notice Carly’s adorable silver feather earrings?  So fun! Looks like the girls did some Southwest shopping.

Carly and Farmer head to their date, which will be led by some mediating Kama Sutra love guru.  The guru tells Farmer and Carly that she wants to bring more juiciness into the relationship.  I mean, do they need to make things more juicy for a first date?

The guru has the couple change into some white linen outfits, which make obtaining juiciness more feasible.  She also burns sage and makes them inhale it until they are high.  Farmer is optimistic but also concerned as to “how weird this is going to get.”

And weird it gets.

Carly blindfolds Farmer and is instructed to breathe all over him.  Carly requests some mouthwash and apologizes to Farmer for all the garlic she ate last night.  Then she proceeds to run chocolate all over Farmer’s lips.  If this isn’t sexy, I don’t know what is:

10-the-bachelor-week-5

{photo source: https://noshameonlypride.wordpress.com}

As if this couldn’t be any more awkward, guru tells the couple that they will now derobe each other.  When it’s time to take Farmer’s pants off, Carly has had enough.  She tells him she’s really uncomfortable and isn’t ready to take his pants off in front of guru and all of the cameras.  Farmer is relieved too because he accidentally put on his Sunday undies, which have a hole in them.  As punishment for their failure to remove all their clothes, guru makes Carly straddle Farmer and breathe directly into his mouth and nose for five minutes straight.

Back at the Mexican hotel, Kelsey is sitting around with some of the girls when they started asking about the death of Kelsey’s husband.  Kesley nonchalantly tells them, “he collapsed, he died.”  Then, she had a hard time recalling the medical term for his heart failure.  To quote Kelsey, “umm…what’s it called?  It’s called congestive heart failure.”  She concludes with “and darlin’ that is life.”  Is this chick for real?  You had to think about what he died from?  How is that NOT automatic?  You couldn’t even muster up one tear?  Darlin’ that is life?  It was like a mother explaining the death of a bug to her toddler.  Yes, it’s true, that’s life, but THIS. IS. NOT. NORMAL.

On the date, Carly tells Farmer she has not been intimate with someone for a year and a half.  Then she tells him her last boyfriend would not touch her and they did not have a physical relationship.  Farmer offers to have sex with her so long as she doesn’t judge the hole in his undies.  Rose for Carly.

Group Date: I’m Rapidly Falling in Love

The girls head with Farmer to do some whitewater rafting on the Rio Grande.  I’ve never been whitewater rafting but it’s on my list.  Well that is until I saw Jade get hurled from the raft into the rapids.

But Jade played it well.  She needed Farmer to rub her feet to keep her from getting hypothermic. All the girls are jealous of Jade’s blue extremities and contemplate propelling themselves into the freezing cold rapids.

The girls change out of their sporty apparel in exchange for their cocktail dresses.  Or in Kardashley’s case, her finest figure skating costume that she wore for her long program in middle school.  PS, how great is the nickname Kardashley?  Thank you to one fine reader for that clever name!

As Farmer heads to the cocktail party, he is intercepted by former contestant Jordan.  Who’s that you ask?  Jordan was the student from Colorado who was more interested in Jack, Jose, and Johnny than she was in Farmer.  Girl liked to drink.  Jordan drove from Colorado to New Mexico to tell Farmer she’s joined AA and as such, she needs to make amends.  Farmer offers Jordan the chance to feed her to the group of piranhas, who want nothing more than to eat Jordan alive.  Also, the producers told Farmer to let her stay to increase the  level of drama.  Plus, wow, did you see the makeover they gave her?  She looked like a new person!

The girls take Farmer aside and one by one tell him why Jordan is not right for him:

  • Kardashley: I mean, she like, drinks like, a lot.  And like, I don’t think she’s wife material.  I’m wife material.  I’m a princess and wives like, always, wear fake eyelashes and a weave.  And I’m like, way more, mature than, like her.
  • Megan: It’s like crazy.
  • Kelsey: Redemption is a beautiful thing. [Insert evil laughter].

Kardashley starts to lose it.  She tells the girls that Jordan blew her chance (actually, I think she drank her chance) and there are no second chances when it comes to the Bachelor.  Because you know, in life, there are NO SECOND CHANCES.  Said nobody ever.  Kardashley decides that the best approach is the middle school approach: be mean to Jordan at every opportunity.  Any girl who DARES speak kindly to Jordan is out of the Eyelash Club. FOR.EVER.  Whitney tells Kardashley she doesn’t want to be in the club because her momma taught her to treat others how you want to be treated.  Whit tells that camera that Farmer does not want a mean girl as a wife.  I agree with that statement.

Back at the hotel, Britt receives the second one-on-one date card and starts to cry.  She’s scared of heights and her date involves some sort of height thing.  Britt, you gotta lie on the “fear” section of your application!  Tell them you are scared of shopping!  And getting massages!  But never admit your true fears!

Farmer decides it’s time to tell Jordan she needs to leave.  ABC has gotten the footage they need to make this episode interesting and now he’s contractually free to do what he wants to Jordan.  Jordan returns to the girls where they abruptly put down the knives they were shoving in Jordan’s proverbial back to whisper in her ear “I’ll always admire you” (I’m looking at you Kelsey) as they shove her out the door.  Insecure Kardashley does all she can to resist yelling, “don’t let the door hit you in the rear on your way out!”

Farmer gives the group date rose to Whitney.  Kardashley can barely contain her rage.  How dare Whitney receive the rose when she refused to be part of the Be Mean to Jordan Club!  Kardashley tells the camera that she can’t believe Whit got the rose, when earlier on the date she looked at Whitney and thought, “I don’t really have to worry about… that.”  Tears start to form and Kardashley excuses herself so she can bad-mouth Whitney more thoroughly.  Kard tells her only friend, Mackenzie, “I just think she’s fake as BEEP.  I just see him with a girl who’s super real.”  Mack, in another insightful moment, tells Kard, “I just don’t think you like her.”  Touché.

One on One Britt

Here’s what we are about to learn about Britt:  1) She sleeps with make-up on every night; 2) She doesn’t shower; 3) She doesn’t want to get married or have children; 4) She’s a unicorn.

Ok so not all of that information is factual.  Farmer shows up in the girls’ hotel room to wake up Britt at 4:30 AM for her date.  Britt follows the Boy Scouts of America motto, “always be prepared,” and as such she chooses to sleep in a full face of make-up every night.  Just in case.  Including glittery eye shadow.  And lip gloss.

I guess I don’t judge Britt for wearing make-up at all times when you’re going to be on national television.  I would probably do the same.  One time I was not wearing make-up (amongst other issues including a lack of sleep, disheveled hair, and a hoodie) and I was out in public.  My mom looked at me and said, “I’ve never seen you look so awful!”  While most people would be offended, we just laughed and laughed because, well, it was true!  It was not my finest moment.  If I were on this show, I would want to avoid hearing my mother or anyone else’s mother say, “wow she should put some makeup on, look how bad she looks!”

Farmer takes Britt to a hot air balloon for a ride.  Man, I’m jealous of this too.  So fun!  Also, for some reason, Britt’s paralyzing phobia of heights is somehow magically assuaged just by Farmer’s presence.  Naturally.

Back at the hotel, the girls take to doing what they do best: badmouthing their competition.  The girls start talking about Britt’s hygiene and claim that she has yet to take a shower on the show.  Or doesn’t shower very frequently.  I’m not buying it.  Britt’s hair is SO clean and flowy and beautiful.  Maybe she can go a week between washes, but who cares?  I’d love it if I only had to wash my hair once a week!  Plus, science says that soap is actually not good for your skin and it’s better to just rinse.  Girl is just being healthy.

Meanwhile, back on the date, Farmer takes Britt back to his hotel, where according to Britt, they take a nap.  Britt tells Farmer she wants a hundred kids (potential hyperbole, I hope) but Kardashley is back at the hotel spreading rumors that Britt wants to remain single and does not want children.  Kardashley seems like such a reliable source.  Definitely believe everything that comes out of her mouth.

Britt returns from the date and mistakenly tells the girls that she just spent the afternoon in Farmer’s bed.  Taking a nap.  Wink face.

Kelsey realizes her time on the Bachelor is rapidly coming to an end so what a better time than now to manipulate Farmer.  What works best for manipulation?  Tales about your dead husband!  Kelsey shows up unannounced in Farmer’s hotel room and relays her “amazing” story to Farmer.  She tries to produce a few crocodile tears but fails to get any to actually roll down her cheeks.  While Farmer tries to process this information, Kelsey uses this as an opportunity to make out with Farmer.  I mean why not.  Dead husbands are GREAT pick up material.  Ick.

She gleefully tells the camera, “I’m just… ahh… isn’t my story amazing?  It’s tragic, but it’s amazing.”

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{photo source: https://us.beamly.com/exclusives/2015/02/03/kelsey-makes-move-bachelor-work/}

She seriously said this.  With a massive smile on her face.  On camera.  To the world.  I was honestly scared of Kelsey in this moment.  Something is really wrong here.  I’ve considered editing yet I cannot believe under what circumstance that statement would be ok.  She concludes with, “I love my story.”  Oh and something about how this is her love story and tune in on Mondays at 8:00 PM to watch it unfold.  Do you think there was an emergency school board meeting about Kelsey’s employment status as a guidance counselor as soon as this episode aired?  I mean, my child would NOT be allowed to seek Kelsey out for any reason.

The Cocktail Party that Wasn’t

Farmer shows up at the cocktail party rattled by his recent conversation with Kelsey.  He has to end the conversation mid-sentence as he starts to cry.  Kelsey sticks another pin into her voodoo doll.

The Almighty Chris comes in to tell the girls that Farmer is extremely emotional and does not want to have a cocktail party.  Kelsey’s rose-receiving confidence starts to waver and she starts calculating plan b: a panic attack.  Guys, I’m just not buying it!  Kelsey goes from laughing about her shoes and how she’s sad to say goodbye to someone tonight because someone will be sent home (but not her) to lying on the floor sobbing.

And that’s curtain call.

What do you guys think?  What’s Kelsey’s deal?  Is she misunderstood?  Is she a psychopath?  Is she an actress?  What is this?!

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That was Literally Phenomenal

Touchy subject.  Andi’s in Brussels.  As in Belgium.  You know, the country who just beat the US in the World Cup?  If only I cared one ounce about soccer!  And truthfully, if you care that much about soccer, you probably don’t read my blog.  It’s all good.

Andi and the remaining 5 men plus Nick are ready to hit up the all you can eat Belgian waffle special at the IHOP.  Whoever eats the most waffles automatically gets a hometown date.  Somewhere Bodybuilder Cody is throwing a protein shake against the wall.  He knew if he were on this trip, he would totally win the eating contest.  He’d even be willing to skip lean protein for a chance at love with Andi.

The men arrive at their new hotel for the week in their mandatory Brussel’s uniform: zipped up hoodies with fashion scarves for men.  You know, I’ve never seen my boyfriend wear a fashion scarf.  I think I’m ok with that.  Sometimes he wears this cute scarf in the winter that he crocheted himself (seriously) but that’s when it’s -40 outside and snow is whipping horizontally at your face and it’s been 40 minutes at the bus stop.  But never once has he said to me, you know, I’d really like to borrow one of your silky scarves.  Never once.  Nick can even tie his scarf better than me.

Chris Har shows up for a “man chat” to tell the guys this week is important.  In case you’ve lived under a rock the past 15 years, making it through this week means you get a hometown date.  For some reason Chris just got paid millions to deliver that message.  How do I get his job?  Other rules of the week: two one on one dates with no roses and a group date with a rose.  Got that?  Good.  Harrison excuses himself — after all the beer, waffles and chocolates aren’t going to eat themselves!

One on One- Marcus, You’re Kind of a Clinger And Your Tongue is Way too Aggressive When we Kiss But I’ve Got Slim Options So I’d Like to Hang Out With You for the Day

Marcus is 25.  That’s just wrong.  Marcus and Andi head into the city to explore.  Andi wears, for the 12th date straight, her white pants.  Why the tight white pants?  How does she keep them clean?  The “no white after labor day” rule is obviously dead and gone.

M & A order some mussels.  I seriously love mussels.  And not the Cody kind.  I like the seafood kind.  Old Ebbitt Grill in DC.  Holy smokes.  Get me some.  NOW.  Mussels, Brussels and beer?  That’s my ideal date!

Ok ABC, I don’t believe your editing.  After they are done with mussels, we head to commercial.  When the show is back on, Andi and Marcus are all dressed up and eating dinner.  Um.  Didn’t they just eat?  They must be so full.

At dinner Marcus says his family is dysfunctional.  What else is new.  He said his dad left and he hated his Mother in his 20’s (he’s 25 so I totally don’t follow).  He says his Mother is not the best.  Son of the year!

Marcus says he’s never felt this way about a girl before.  How can people get on this show and say that?  Have they never known someone more than 30 minutes?

Marcus comes back from his date and Nick starts to scheme.  He sneaks off and heads to the hotel lobby.  He approaches the front desk and tells the clerk he forgot his key and room number and asks for a new key.  Nick says the room is under his wife’s name, Andi D.  The clerk asks no questions, gives him Andi’s room number and a key.  It might be time to review that hotel’s security protocols.  Mr. Andi shows up at her door and the Mrs. is stunned.

You know what I find odd?  When I get home from work, dinner, a date, etc, I immediately peel my clothes and jewelry off.  I throw my hair on top of my head, put on the biggest sweats I can find and scrub the makeup off my face.  I do that within minutes of walking in the door.  Without fail.  But Andi?  She’s back in her hotel room looking all glammed up and perfect.  I’m not buying this impromptu ambush.

Andi and Nick enjoy some Brussels nightlife.  Nick says he’s going to marry Andi.  I say Nick looks like a cross between a serial killer and the Joker.  Andi tells us one too many times how hot it is making out with Nick.  No.  You know what’s hot?  Tamales.  And potatoes. But Nick?  No.

One on One – Josh, I Just Want to Make Out With You All Night Long So That’s Why I Picked You For the Date and I Love Athletes 

You guys.  Andi is wearing the white pants.  AGAIN!  Why!  Did ABC mandate white pants only this season?  Doesn’t she own a pair of dark wash jeans?  She’s also wearing a crop-top.  Enough said.  Meanwhile, Josh put on the tightest shirt he owns to highlight his man nipples and pecks.  Josh and Andi wander the streets of Brussels and sample some local chocolates.

When they are finished, Josh says, “that was literally phenomenal.”  Oh Josh.  Shopping cannot possibly be considered a phenomenon.  It’s just not.  This is a phenomenon:

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image source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natural_phenomenon#mediaviewer/File:Polarlicht_2.jpg

For a lesson on using the word literally, click here: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/literally

Glad we cleared that up, figuratively.

Andi complains that Josh isn’t emotional enough and doesn’t open.  So she takes him to a church and has him light some candles.  At dinner, Andi is annoyed that Josh hasn’t said ‘I love you,’ or ‘I’m falling in love with you’ because at this stage, 3 weeks after knowing these Andi and spending a cumulative 3 hours with her, dropping the L-word is essential if you want to stay in the running.  Frankly if someone told me they loved me faster than I can even consume a bag of chips, I’d probably get a restraining order.  Andi fishes and fishes until she forces Josh into saying he’s falling in love with her.  Lawyering.

The other mandated feature of the show this season (the first being Andi’s white pants) is the concert.  Andi and Josh dance to some band called “American Young.”  This is the second date for Josh and Andi and their second concert.  For your pleasure, I’ve looked up the chorus of this song:

Sometimes love is a white flag
Sometimes love is standing tall
Sometimes love is a feather
Sometimes a cannon ball
But it’s worth fighting for (it’s worth fighting for)
Baby, sometimes love is war

Read more: American Young – Love Is War Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Duh, we know.  Love is a battlefield.

Group Date: You’re on this date because I didn’t want to make out with you (except you Nick, I had to put you on this date because ABC is hoping to create drama)

The boys pedal Andi on a “rail bike,” which is a bike/ cart thing that rides on a railroad track.  That seriously looked like fun.  After the guys get their burn on, Andi takes the men to a monastery.  Since it’s sacred grounds, there is no kissing on the grounds.  Everyone speaks in hushed tones while on the grounds.  Andi pulls Farmer Chris outside the walls to make pottery together.  Andi says it’s very steamy.  She pretends she’s Demi and imagines Patrick Swayze’s arms wrap around her. I don’t blame you, Andi.  Patrick makes my heart swoon.

Farmer Chris rejoins the other guys and gets annoyed by game-playing Nick.  Brian tells Andi he’s falling in love with her.  He says he’s never told anyone that before.  I feel like every guy keeps saying that.  Nobody wants to hear that a 30 year old has never loved another person before.  Andi reacts with a  “yeah” when he says he’s falling in love with her.  Ouch, Brian.  That was a bad yeah.  Kiss your rose receiving days goodbye.

Nick says he’s confident that Andi is coming home to meet his family.  He starts to tell Andi how she feels.  It sort of makes me want to punch him in the face.  Like as hard as possible.  He says he can FEEL Andi falling in love with him.  How arrogant are you?  For some reason Andi eats it up and they have a staring contest for like a three minutes straight due to the sacred ground rule.

And what do you know, Nick gets the rose.  He gets to spend the rest of the night with Andi for managing to pull the wool over her eyes one more time.  Andi is super excited to go to Milwaukee to meet Nick’s family.  I’m really sad that Nick is from my hometown.

As for Andi’s rejectee’s?  They are madder than a wet hen.  Literally?  No, not literally, Josh.  Back on Nick’s private date, they play a game of “this or that,” with serious questions like “big or small?”  Nick says big.  Go big or go home.  I don’t totally know what they are talking about anymore but I guess that’s supposed to mean he’s well-endowed.  But I don’t buy it.  And that makes me want to vomit a little.  They watch some fireworks- big ones- and Nick can feel Andi fall in love with him a little more.

Nick returns home to the scorn of the rejected men.  The’ve had enough of his game playing/ winning.  After what seems like 7 minutes of total silence, the men finally man up and tell Nick they want to pulverize him.  Brian finally breaks the silence.  Marcus says he wouldn’t trust him near his sister.  Farmer Chris asks if he cares more about Andi or strategy.  All the men agree he cares about strategy.  I think the guys should play a friendly game of Stratego to determine who’s best at strategy.  Listen, I don’t like Nick one iota but they do all sound a little jealous.

Brian and Dylan get sent home.  Brian has a mild breakdown but it’s nothing the ABC psychotherapist can’t handle or drug.  Hometown dates comin’ on up!

 

 

 

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I am EX-HAUST-ED. Y’all.

Connecticut.  It took me like 20 years of my life to finally learn how to spell Connecticut.  I really shouldn’t even admit that I couldn’t spell Connecticut since that’s where a lot of my family lives. At least I’ve got it down finally!  Tonight, that skill comes in handy.

Andi’s journey to find true love takes her to, you guessed it, Connecticut.   Connecticut is a gorgeous state, but doesn’t this all seem so… random?  Farmer Chris says he’s always dreamed of traveling to Connecticut.  Oh Farmer Chris. That’s cute.  As the men settle into their swanky Connecticut hotel (actually, I think it’s a casino), the first date card arrives with Dylan’s name on it.

Who?  Dylan is sort of shy with rugged good looks and he’s an accountant from Boston.  He’s also the guy who cried to Farmer Chris about the death of this sister and brother.  With a little less hair product, I think Dylan could be a model.  As in a model citizen.  Just kidding, I mean an actual model like in ads. Anyway, Andi has this AMAZING date planned.  Kidding again!  ABC plans a date and tells Andi where to show up.  In this case, it’s on a steam engine train along the Connecticut River.  Andi’s hoping the relationship picks up steam.  I’m hoping I can write a blog post about this.  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

When Andi and Dylan are “all aboard,” Andi acts completely disinterested in their conversation.  Even when Dylan spills his emotional baggage all over the train cart.  It was like this:

Dylan: I have something serious to tell you.  My brother and sister both died of a drug overdose and it was really difficult on me.

Andi: Cool.  Yeah, this is really pretty.

Dylan:  No, I mean it was really hard.  Both my sibling died.  Like they are dead.

Andi: Yeah.  Gazing out the window.

Me: This relationship has derailed.

I cringed.  Seriously.  Could she have acted any more disinterested?  Have you ever heard of empathy?  A simple, “I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine what you’ve been through?”  Anything but YEAH.

After the train ride is over, the two of them head to dinner where nobody actually touches their food.  How do they make it through this show with so little food and so much alcohol?  Dylan tells his family story with more detail.  Andi still says “yeah” a lot and makes her lips into duck shapes.  They constantly look like a duck.  Dylan starts to cry and Andi tells him “it’s ok.”  Wait. It’s ok?  I thought that phrase was BANNED by you Andi!  Need I remind you of your “eeeeeet’s ok” freak out?  Anyway, I like Dylan but I do not think he’s quite ready for a relationship and I don’t blame him.  I just don’t see these two working out.  Dylan gets the rose.

Group Date: Whose got game

Not Brian.

The group date takes place in a basketball arena so Andi can see “whose got game.”  Clever.  Andi decided to wear the ugliest pair of wedge sneakers I’ve ever seen.  Those need to join the trash along with JJ’s collection of hideous pants.  Speaking of JJ, he wore a shirt that said “JJ” on it.  I can only assume that decision was made so Andi would recognize young JJ and not JJ in 50 years.

Andi enlists the help of some WNBA players who demonstrate that they are, in fact, the only ones who “got game.”  After the guys lose miserably against the women (girl power), the guys get divided into two teams.  You know the drill.  Only the winning team gets to hang with Andi after the game.  After a riveting game of HORSE, the blue team wins.  Actually there is no blue team.  Team “Rosebuds” wins.  If I were the captain, I would have picked “Team Andi” as the name.  Granted, I wouldn’t be playing for this team if you know what I mean.  Rosebuds include Basketball coach Brian, Eric, Cookie Monster Marquel, Nick, Social Media guy Andrew who moon lights as a hostess picker-upper, and the steroid guy Cody.

Andi pulls Eric aside first to talk. Andi tells Eric she wonders if their relationship is stalling.  Eric also agrees that the relationship is not moving forward.  I have some theories why: 1) Josh keeps sticking his tongue down Andi’s throat; 2) When Josh is finished there are 12 other guys waiting to do the same 3) Eric is an adventurer and Andi just ditched her career in hopes of becoming a D-list actress; 4) their astrological signs are incompatible.  I’m guessing that’s the reason this isn’t working out.  Eric does his best to mend the situation and opens up about his important relationship with his family and his difficult decision to leave his church.  Andi feels like the air is clear.  Eric… as we will find out, feels the air has a giant cloud hovering above their heads that’s about to burst and dump copious amounts of rain, hail and lightening on them.  As I said, incompatible signs.

Brian gets some alone time with Andi and makes a half-court shot that’s nothing but the net.  But then he loses all points when he fails to kiss Andi after his perfect shot.  Brian spends the rest of the night beating himself up while Nick swoops in to make-out with Andi. But Brian’s kind heart still won him the rose.  I like Brian.  I’m on team Brian.

Second Group Date: Marcus: Dangle off this building while I freak the eff out even though you are petrified of heights too.

Andi takes Marcus to the top of their casino to repel 30 floors.  As Andi and Marcus get suited up, gale force winds nearly blow Andi off the building.  This seems safe.  Both of them repeatedly use the word terrifying.  You know what’s terrifying?  What happens when they get to the bottom.  I’m going to hear so many stupid Bachelor sanctioned words like “trust,” “conquer,” “together,” and “leap of faith.”  That’s terrifying.

Marcus looks like he might throw up.  He’s completely silent.  Marcus “conquers” his fears first and takes the first “leap of faith” by stepping off the building first.  As soon as that first step is done, his anxiety level seems to decrease.  But Andi won’t budge.  There’s no way she’s stepping off this ledge.  The person running the adventure repelling company, Eric (joking), eventually pushes Andi’s feet off the building.  He’s had enough of her hysterics.   Of course there is a dangling kiss.  Eventually the pair even repels past the other guys in their room. The guys accuse Marcus of looking tearful, to which Coach Brian yells, “repelling, there’s no crying in repelling!”  “A League of Their Own,” anyone?   They made it to the bottom and everything I was terrified about happened.  Her fears were conquered.  He got her off the ledge.  Blah blah blah.

They go to dinner, he gets the rose.  And because this date wasn’t over-played enough, there was a private concert.  With some band I’ve never heard of. Moving on…

The Rose Ceremony Drama

Well, now we at least know why Andi’s still single! She’s crazy, y’all. Cray to the cray.

But before we get to that, Andi receives a letter from a secret admirer.  Bets anyone?  I’m going with Chris Harrison.

Moving on to the drama…

Unfortunately it happens with Eric.  Knowing that Eric is tragically not with us, I felt really uncomfortable watching this exchange.  It really did not need to be aired.  But, I feel more than comfortable talking about how crazy Andi appears.  Eric asks to talk to Andi and tells her that he feels like she isn’t acting like herself and acts a certain way when the cameras are present.  He tells her it seems like sometimes she has on a poker face and he can’t read her.  Andi acts like someone just told her momma’s ugly and so is she.  She flips out.

In her tersest prosecutor voice, Andi tells Eric he has EVERY RIGHT to be honest and she respects his honesty but she is VERY taken aback.  She is not a TV actress (she says with a flourish as the back of her hand strategically lands on her forehead as though she’s Scarlette O’Hara.  She wishes!)  Eric is happy to see emotion from Andi and tells her this is the real Andi he’s looking for. She starts to lose it more “you have NO IDEA what this takes.  You have NO IDEA how exhausted I am.  You have NO CLUE how it is to look at people in the face and send them home. You have NO IDEA.”

He tells her again that when the cameras are around there is a different side to her.  She responds by saying so you’re continuing to call me fake.  Then he says “acting” in a sentence, completely innocuously, and she went Juan Pablo style flip-out on him. Andi warns Eric that if he says “act” one more time she’s going to flip out.  ACT ACT ACT ACT ACT ACT ACT ACT.  Ok Andi, GO!  At least I’ve got one thing figured out: Andi’s M.O.  As soon as a guy upsets her she forbids them from speaking certain words.  If you ever meet Andi and she tells you she’ll freak out if she hears you say [insert any innocuous word here], you know you’ve just crossed into crazy territory.  Best put on your walkin’ shoes my friend.  And with that Eric is sent home.

Andi’s crusade does not stop with Eric.  She marches into the room where all the other guys were secretly eaves dropping on her conversation with Eric to tell them “this is NOT A JOKE to me.  If any of Y’ALL think I have a poker face, you can say it right now and walk your ass out.”

Andi doesn’t stop there though.  She keeps going, “Because it strikes such a nerve with me that someone can look me in the face and tell me I have a poker face with all of this when I have done nothing but try and be natural for y’all.  Like this is not easy for me. [editorial: it must be really hard getting glammed up and traveling around the country, making out with random guys.  That must be really hard.]  I am ex-HAUST-ed.  [editorial: take a nap Andi.  And for the record, you’re exhausting.] I am SO exhausted . [editorial: y’all, she’s still tired.] And I am trying so hard [voice shaking].  I really am….blah blah blah… this is so real to me.”

ABC decides in light of Eric’s tragic death, it’s best not to show the rose ceremony.  Instead, Chris sits down with Andi to talk about her relationship with Eric.  I guess this is a PR move but I’m not buying any of it. Andi acted psycho and that’s that.  She’s just so tired y’all.

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We Can Love our Pets, but we need to be in love

It’s Friday night and I’m blogging and babysitting.  Now THAT is a raucous Friday night!  On average, how many IQ points do you think you lost watching a cumulative FOUR HOURS worth of Juan Pablo this week?  Well, in the words of Juan Pablo, eeeeeets ooookay.  We’re in this together.

With 20 less IQ points than I had last week, I bring you this two-part update.  Eeeeeets ok, let’s just get started.

It’s hometown dates.  I practically salivated imagining the dysfunctional families we were about to meet.  Would there be another family with a basement full of dead animals?  Perhaps another memorial service for a dead dove in the backyard?  Or how about someone with some sense?  Maybe someone who sees Juan Pablo for what he is?  A scumbag?  Let’s find out.  Eeeeets ok.

Nurse Nikki’s Kansas City Hometown Date

Nurse Nikki is so ex-sigh-ted to have Juan Pablo in her home town of KC.  She suddenly developed a Southern accent upon here return from “literally” traveling around the world.  Thanks for clearing that up for me Nikki.  All night long I would have though you traveled all over the world, figuratively.  On a side note, could you EVER imagine Juan Pablo living in KC?  It’s pretty much the anti-Miami.  But sure, whatever.

I don’t understand why Nikki is acting like she lives in Texas, but again, sure whatever.  She wants a cowboy (again, Juan Pablo, a cowboy?  He’s the anti-cowboy).  She takes Juan Pablo to Oklahoma Joe’s BBQ.  I like Nurse Nikki only for a fleeting second because I have eaten there and it is delish.  When I’m done drooling, I’m back to hating Nikki.  Sadly, Juan Pablo is the most animated I’ve ever seen him over the BBQ sauce.  Then they ride a mechanical bull.  Again, Nikki, you live in KC – not Texas.  Ugh. This is so stupid.  I really should have named my blog that instead, “Ugh.  This is so stupid.”

Just when I feel like I’ve had all I can handle in the first 7 minutes of this show, it’s time to meet Nikki’s family.  Her dad puts the finishing touches on Nikki’s prenup and makes sure Nikki’s trust fund has provisions prohibiting anyone named Juan Pablo to ever have access to that money.  In the words of Kanye…I ain’t sayin’ he’s a gold digger.  (I’m actually just saying he’s a fame digger).

Back at Nikki’s mansh, JP meets Nikki’s butler, au pair, dad, mom, the family lawyer named Stanley, and the chauffeur.  Nikki’s dad made sure his hair was parted as far to the side as possible.  He doesn’t want Juan Pablo to have any confusion – it’s the republican side-part hairstyle.  (PS, I found this amazing article about presidential hair parting from the New York Times in 1904!) If you are a Republican and I’ve just insulted you, I’m sorry.  But that hair was REALLY something.  After I got over Nikki’s dad’s televangelist hair, I realized she was complaining about riding in coach to Asia.

Poor oppressed Nikki!  Coach?!  How could ABC subject you to such unthinkable horrors? I hope the next time they pay to “literally” fly you around the world, on their dime, they really consider not making you ride in the third class of Titanic.  Or at least I hope they let you bring your au pair along.

The rest of the hometown is a snooze.   Nikki is, like, BEST FRIENDS, with her mom.  And she is definitely in love with Juan Pablo.  Is Nikki’s dad legitimately a televangelist?  He reminds me of one.  His voice seems like it could garner a following.  Her dad basically says don’t propose to my kid.  One point for dad.  Dad presses Nikki on why Juan Pablo is the one.  Nikki says she can’t really articulate it, but she KNOWS it’s right.  Sure it is honey, sure it is.  It’s as right as that side part.  Nurse Nikki says she is ready to be a step-mother because she agreed to double her au pair’s salary in Miami.

Atlanta Andi’s Hometown Date

Again, I don’t know why all these girls think they are in Texas, but Andi takes Juan Pablo to a shooting range.  That is really annoying to me.  You bring someone to your hometown and you do something (stupid) that you can do anywhere in the country?  That’s what Atlanta has to offer?  Thanks, but no thanks.

If Juan Pablo came to my hometown, named the Gayest City in America, I’d make sure he witnessed a same-sex marriage.  I know how much he likes and respects same-sex couples.

Anyway, back to Atlanta Andi.  Andi’s dad is unimpressed that Juan Pablo has spent a cumulative 97 minutes alone with Andi since this journey began.  That’s right folks, Andi has only had ONE date alone with this creep fantastic catch that ABC is shoving down our throats.  Andi’s dad sneaks into the kitchen to double up on his blood pressure medication.  He also practices some deep breathing exercises to prevent himself from punching Juan Pablo in the face.

When Andi’s dad cools down, he sits down with Juan Pablo and tells him the most sane thing I’ve EVER heard on this show.  He will not give Juan Pablo his blessing to marry his daughter “because the person who that is going to be good enough for [his] daughter is going to come to [him] and say there is no one else in the world.”  He follows it with, if that happens with you, we’ll have that discussion at a later time.  Andi’s dad knows Juan Pablo will never be around for that discussion.  Juan Pablo knows he’ll never be a “no one else in the world,” kind of guy. He’s more of a “25 women at once,” kind of guy.

Andi’s sister says she doesn’t see it.  Andi cries.  I think they are drunk tears.  But her family’s blatant disgust with Juan Pablo won’t bring her down.  She says she is CLOSE to being in love with Juan Pablo.  My favorite part of the hometown date was the family debriefing.  It reminded me of my family.  We love a good debrief.

Counselor Renee’s Sarasota Hometown Date

Renee’s son is the cutest, sweetest thing about this show.  I expected nothing less though seeing as Renee is the nicest Bachelor contestant ever.  And that’s the hometown date in a nutshell!

Oh and Renee has a really cute brother.  Renee’s mom tells her “we can love our pets, but we need to be in love.”  I love my cat.  But a cat does not a husband make!  Try telling my sister that when she was 10.  Moving on.

Clare’s California Hometown Date

I know some people think Clare is crazy (namely Nikki) but I just don’t agree.  Laura’s crazy.  Juan Pablo gets to meet Clare’s five older sisters and Clare’s momma (sorta).

There are two memorable things about this hometown date.  First, the Clare clan calls their deceased father, daddy.  Over and over again.  There is something really weird about grownups calling their parents mommy and daddy.  The only time I call my dad “daddy” is to annoy him.  Second, Laura doesn’t allow “momma” to talk to Clare.  Clare tells Laura MOMMA is allowed to speak for herself.  When the two of them go back and forth, with momma sitting mutely in the middle, I start to wonder if momma really CAN speak for herself?  Can she speak?  Or does she not speak English?  Momma done say NOTHIN’ during this sister spat.  Laura says Clare is manipulating momma.  Momma stays silent.  Why doesn’t MOMMA regulate this fight?!  Come on Momma!

Eventually Momma chats, in Spanish, with Juan Pablo.  I guess she is capable of talking.  Just not with Laura and Clare.  That evil manipulator. How dare she ask her Momma for her opinion!

Rose Ceremony

We all know what’s coming.  Three things.  Short, tight dresses that originally belonged to cross-dressing street walkers, Renee’s elimination and Renee’s enduring class, graciousness and dignity.  She’s clearly way too nice for this show.  All we care about are the Nikki’s, Courtney’s and Teirra’s of this world.

What we didn’t see coming was a pigeon dropping a sandwich on Renee’s head.  I’ll be back soon with the MOST DRAMATIC OVERNIGHT DATES EVER!  Chris Harrison you liar.

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I plan for her a very aaaa-ven-tur-ahhs dateeee

Cynicism.  I’ve got it.  When Conan took over for Jay Leno and was subsequently booted so cry baby Jay could have his job back (BOO) I watched earnestly as Conan said goodbye with total grace and dignity to his dream job he held for a only a few short months .  In his goodbye, Conan said something that has stuck with me and always will.  Here’s the clip:

It’s excellent life advice.  But lately I just can’t help but feel cynical watching this nightmare of a show week after week.  Is it Juan Pablo?  Is it the girls?  Is it everything?  Is it the over the top dates?  Maybe it’s all of the above.  But this show has gotten so off course from where it started and Juan Pablo is the furthest thing from wanting a wife.  Obviously I can’t follow Conan’s advice and write this blog.  This whole blog is based on cynicism.  I really hope that if I get to meet Conan some day he never knows about this blog.  So with a little dose of cynicism, here I go…

Juan Pablo and his gaggle of girls head to New Zealand for some make out time. Juan Pablo says New Zealand is the perfect place to find love and fall in love.  Right.

First Date: Andi, Let’s Heat Things Up

Juan Pablo says Aaandeee has it going on and he “plan for her a very aaa-ven-tur-ahhs date.”  Yes, you read that correct.  1)  Juan Pablo can’t say planned and 2) Juan Pablo believes he “plan” the date.  I’m sure.  I’m as sure as that as I am that I’m about to be struck with a lightening bolt. Listen guys, Conan didn’t say squat about sarcasm.

Juan Pablo takes Andi on a speed boat ride in the middle of the New Zealand winter.  It reminds me of our annual Memorial Day boat riding that my family and I take.  It’s usually around 40 degrees and sometimes there’s still ice on the water.  We have to wear scarfs and blankets when we go over 40 mph.  It’s super fun! Luckily at the end of our boat rides nobody tells me I have to get in the water.  No such luck for Andi.  She puts on a brave face and hops into the foreign, murky, freezing cold water.  Oh the things you do for fame love.  Juan Pablo guides Andi through some narrow cannons.  And I mean narrow.  JP’s giant ego could barely fit between those rocks. Clare obviously wasn’t asked to participate in this date because her boobs would have never been able to squeeze through some of those really tight spots.  At times I couldn’t remember if I was watching the Bachelor or watching the 20/20 episode about the man who got trapped rock climbing and had to cut off his own arm.

Please Andi, don’t have an anxiety attack.  ABC you stink. Juan Pablo says Andi need to trust him.  No she doesn’t.  Once again, this is not how you build trust.  Eventually the path opens up and Juan Pablo and Andi are immersed in a hot spring.  Juan Pablo stops and frisks Andi and she does not object even without a reasonable articulation of illegal activity.  No sir, Andi consents to this frisk.  Hell, she’d even consent to a search.  They aggressively make out under a waterfall and JP forgets all about his daughter and setting a “good example.”  Raise your hands for hypocrisy!

After the date, Juan Pablo takes Andi to dinner in front of a geyser.  Thanks to Big Pharma all I can think of is erectile dysfunction commercials.  Maybe JP is sending some sort of subliminal message.  The geyser turbulently ejects water, spraying Andi and Juan Pablo.  Andi pouts that the geyser has ruined her date.  Actually, Juan Pablo ruined your date.  Because you’re on a date with Juan Pablo.

I meant to bring this up earlier but I noticed Andi’s other favorite catch-phrase besides “honestly” is “at the end of the day.”  I feel like that phrase is totally bull.  At the end of the day all that matters is blah blah blah.  Well that’s sort of true but I don’t want the rest of my day to totally suck.  But alas, at the end of the day, Rose for Andi.  Honestly.

Group Date: Come Play With My Balls

Nobody should ever be allowed to come on this show and utter the following words, “today is my 22nd birthday!”  22 years old!  I have underwear that’s older than 22 years old.  Seriously, I probably need some new undies that don’t have holes or snowmen on them.  Anyway, in case you don’t hear Cassandra tell you 57 times, today IS her 22nd birthday.  And because she’s 22 years old, she’s dropping the Pablo from Juan’s name.  He’s just Juan now.

The girls slip into tiny swimsuits that actually used to belong to their American Girl Dolls.  Waiting for them are giant balls, with a slipe-n-slide entrance and some water inside.  The balls roll down a hill and Juan Pablo generously offers to make out with them each individually as they slide down the hill.  What a stand up guy!  If Juan Pablo wasn’t there ruining the ball experience, I would definitely want to  try that.

800px-Zorbing

photo source: Wikipedia

After they are done playing with Juan Pablo’s big balls, the group heads to a cocktail party.  Juan Pablo continues his make-out quest.  In order, he makes out with Renee, Nikki, Sharleen, and pretty much everyone else except Kat and Cassandra.

Sharleen continues to act weird and unsure of her feeling for the Bachelor.  She is fairly certain she would have stronger feelings for the Bachelorette.

Cassandra realizes now that she’s 22 years old she’s ready to take “Juan” home to be Tray’s new daddy.  She feels like the luckiest girl alive for meeting Juan.  Then Juan tells her he has a special birthday present and it’s a ride in the rejection limo!  And a plane ticket home.

Sharleen gets the date rose, reluctantly accepts it and curses the fact that she didn’t get to participate on Emily’s season.

ABC decides to play the most horrific, unconscionable music during Cassandra’s birthday rejection limo ride.  What is up with the sporadic and always horrendous music selections this season?

Second One on One Date: Let’s Make Out But Just Not In the Ocean Because That’s Crossing the Line

Clare gets the second one on one date.  She needs an apology from Juan Pablo after he slut-shamed her.  Amazingly enough, there is an entire Wikipedia page dedicated to slut-shaming!  Who knew.  Also, if I ever dated someone who “slut-shamed” me, don’t worry buddy, no apology necessary.  You’ll never see me again.  I wish Clare could say the same…

Here’s what transpired:

  • JP: I was worried because you felt horrible for being such a whore.  But now you’ve learned from me.
  • Clare: I appreciate that.  I was just in the moment.
  • JP: You will learn these things when you have children.  I couldn’t say no because I would devastate you.
  • Clare: So what are our boundaries?
  • JP: I don’t want to ever let you meet Cameeeeeeeeeela.
  • Clare:  But what did we do that was inappropriate?
  • JP: You made me go in the ocean at 4 AM.  This is all your fault.Break in conversation while JP and Clare make-out.  

Clare is so happy they talked things through and Juan Pablo apologized.

Raise your hand if you’re completely confused.  (Hand raised).  Where was the apology?  Why is it inappropriate to make out in the ocean but not make out with 100 girls in a row on dry land?  Why wasn’t it inappropriate to make out in a hot tub/ pool?  Oh I guess it’s because you didn’t just make out in the ocean–you had s-e-x.  Also, Juan Pablo’s rules only apply when they are convenient for him, like using his daughter to reject people.  Is anyone else wondering why Juan Pablo’s 4 year old daughter would ever be allowed to watch this show?

He is such an outstanding parent.

Clare gets a rose. Juan Pablo makes out with her some more but he’s making sure to be a good example for Cameeeeeela by making out with her in a living room, instead of an ocean.

Rose Ceremony 

Nikki and  Juan Pablo have a conversation in which they say absolutely nothing.  She makes sure to maintain her trend of wearing dresses too small and too short.  This time she adds an 80’s twist with some sheer black nylons and an off the shoulder red dress.  Renee proceeds to prove she’s the only stable person in the house.  Kat spills her secrets about her troubled childhood.  Sharleen cries thinking about which girl will leave tonight.

Juan Pablo decides Kat’s gotta go because let’s face it, he hasn’t made out with her yet.  Kat leaves.  Sharleen bawls.

Next week the crew heads to Miami.  Renee, the only person who has heard of Miami by Will Smith starts to rap, “Party in the city where the heat is on, all night on the beach till the break of dawn, welcome to Miami (bienvenido a miami).”  In case you’re wondering, that song came out in 1998.  Ah 8th grade, good times!

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Cheers to finding love, being loved, and making love

Tonight on the Bachelor…

It’s infinity scarf week in Vietnam for the remaining 11 women.    As Allie explains, “it’s really setting the scene for a good love story.”  Little did she know the love story was about Juan Pablo and Clare.  Sidebar: Allie is the girl who plays soccer and is from Chicago but looks like Andi, who is the soon to be unemployed DA from Georgia, who looks like Allie.  Got that?  Good.

First Date: Renee, Are We the Right Fit

It’s the pretty woman date, Vietnam style.  The pretty woman date  is notoriously the kiss of death on this show.  Here’s hoping it’s not Renee’s kiss of death (even though she’s dying for a kiss of any type).  Juan Pablo pedals her around on a bike in some Vietnamese town.

Have any of you been on one of those pedi-cab things?  When I was young and cute (a prime Bachelor candidate but for that one pesky trait I just can’t seem to shake…good judgment) my sister and I were in Savannah, Georgia when a pedi-cabbie insisted on giving us a ride.  Even though we said no 15 times, we still ended up on that dumb thing.

He pedals her to a dress shop for a custom made dress.  For only $0.05, Renee gets a traditional Vietnamese dress in 5 minutes.  Ahh child labor.  Renee sweats profusely during the fitting because 1) it’s awkward, 2) it’s 107 degrees there, 3) she doesn’t love the idea of violating human rights but doesn’t want to offend Juan Pablo.  I mean, if he’s so anti same-sex couples, who says he’s not anti child labor?  What was the word he used?  Oh I remember… pervert.  After the dress fitting, the Brady Bunch buy presents for their kids while Renee wills JP to kiss her.

Juan Pablo and the only person he hasn’t kissed yet head to dinner.  Renee is just such a sweet heart, I have nothing but lovely thoughts about her.  She needs to run away from him.

Meanwhile, back at the house, the second date card arrives.  With the second date card, we find out that this week’s petulant child of the week is Andi!  She cannot believe she has to go on yet again another group date.

Juan Pablo asks Renee, “Rennaayyyy, will you ass-epp this rose?”  She ass-epps.  Then he takes her to one of these “make a wish” locations that seemingly every country has and naturally she wishes for a kiss.   It was a wasted wish though because JP decided there would be no kiss on this date.  Boo Renee, next time you need to wish for something better than germs from Juan Pablo and the 6 other girls he’s swapped saliva with.  Like winning the lottery.  The only “make a wish” activities I’ve done is breaking the wish-bone from some sort of bird carcass.  Nothing says romance like chicken bones. 

Group Date: Juan Pablo, Clare, and some other girls he has to pretend to be into 

The girls opt to leave their infinity scarves at home and instead wear their pre-teen sisters’ jean shorts.  The girls will be boating down a river in a traditional Vietnamese boat.  JP instructs them to pair off.  Clare-bear is left standing alone.  Dog-lover tells us this is because she has no friends.  But friends does not a lover make, and Clare knows this so off she goes in Juan Pablo’s boat.  That’s 1 for Clare, 0 for Dog-lover. Because Juan Pablo always wants to set a good example for Cameeeeela, he seizes an opportunity to make out with Clare in front of the other girls when he thinks they can’t see him.  Even though he’s out in the open.  In a boat.  Such a class act, that Juan Pablo!

The petulant child, Andi, is not happy.  She did not know she was going to watch Clare’s one-on-one date on the group date.

Back at the house, Nikki tells the camera that going on another group date would have “sucked” and if she were on the group date she might not get the rose.  Then she rolls her eyes in irritation with herself and says,”that would just be stupid, I always do [get the rose].”  Oh Nikki, you are just such a sweet person – I can see why that snotty attitude and conceitedness would translate so well with children.

At the group date, Chelsie says she’s having a really romantic date with Allie, her boat partner.  She’s less enthused about Juan Pablo and Clare’s date.  After the boating trip, the group wanders around and Juan Pablo pretends to approach a total stranger and ask for food.  Whatever ABC.

Andi is still throwing a tantrum.  She starts with her favorite word, “honestly,” and tells Juan Pablo she’s just tired of group dates (has anyone else notice her affinity for the word honestly?  I mean, honestly!) He says “trust me,” and she feels totally fine after that.  After the girls are done in the fields, they eat.  Clare pretends to eat because she doesn’t eat anything but fro-yo.  Kidding.  I am sure she also drinks Starbucks.  Clare decides she doesn’t care if the girls hate her ’cause she’s just being Miley Clare.

At the after party, Juan Pablo toasts to an amaccc-ing date.  They all have the most fun tropical drinks I’ve ever seen.  Andi’s has an entire apple on top (I think that’s an apple?)  As soon as the toast is out of the way, JP decides it’s appropriate to continue his one-on-one date with Clare.  He takes her away to his private room for some sexy swimming time while the rest of his “dates” or “girl friends” wait for him.  That’s not disrespectful at all.  Oh and again, what a great example for Cameeeela.   Perv.  When Juan Pablo finally pulls his tongue out of Clare’s mouth, he decides he better spend some time with some of the other girls.  That means making out with Sharleen and Andi in quick succession. Como se dice “disgusting?”  Perverto.  Sharleen says the word organic again.  I still don’t know what that means.  I do know that I switched to organic milk this week and am totally in love.  Maybe that’s what she means?

Just when I thought organic was the weirdest way to describe a relationship, she came up with this doozy, “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.”  Um. Ok.  That means so many things such as 1) you want to stand out/ be unique 2) you think pandas are the cutest kind of bear (not so)  3) you like bamboo and China or 4) you are really hairy.

Group date rose goes to Clare.  Andi is mad.  “In all honesty,” she really thought she’d get the rose.  Listen, Andi, in all honesty, I will always assume you are being honest until proven otherwise.  So honestly, you can stop saying honestly now.  Honestly.

When the group date is over, Clare fakes going to bed to instead fulfill a life-long bucket list goal of swimming in the ocean.  Well, Clare.  I’d like to call BS on that.  You know, since you are from California and all that.  To use a line from Andi, honestly.  What you really meant was you’d like to fulfill a lifelong goal of having sex with Juan Pablo in the ocean in Vietnam.  That’s a more accurate goal description.  Is it weird that my bucket list goals are so much bigger than that?  Like writing a novel?

At 4:00 AM, Clare rings the bell at Juan Pablo’s house and invites him to take a dip in the ocean.  But by dip, she means sex.  They run into the ocean.  Clare tells the confession cam, “it was like heaven on earth.”  Juan Pablo says Clare was on fire.  Then he says fire like 7 times in Spanish.  “The waves were wild, and we got a little wild ourselves,” Juan Pablo confessed.  Clare said, “we just went for it, and I don’t regret it.  Pure bliss.  In every way.” I know this show is all about editing.  But come on.  These two totally had sex.  In the ocean.  At 4 AM.  Nobody describes jumping in the ocean (especially someone who lives in a state on the ocean) as “pure bliss, in every way.”  In her post-coital haze, Clare proclaims “hands down one of the best nights of my entire life.  We all deserve to feel that amazing, amazing feeling.”  Then she says something about being a giraffe and having wobbly legs.

Second One-on-One Date: Nurse Nikki

Talk about sloppy seconds.  For the date, Nurse Nikki decides to steal a look from the Free Spirit and wear a headband across her forehead.  She also borrows some shorts from Chris Harrison’s 11 year old daughter.  Truthfully, if I were 97 lbs and didn’t have cellulite, I’d wear clothes from the Limited Too too.  I’m actually not sure where 13 year old girls shop anymore.  Abercrombie?

Nurse Nikki and Juan Pablo meet up and Nurse Nikki once again fails to make eye contact while she talks to Juan Pablo.  Juan Pablo takes Nurse Nikki to a cave into which they will repel.  She has anxiety, he calms her, she says this is just like falling in love, blah blah blah.  Same story, different venue.   Nikki finally understands Plato’s Allegory of the Cave and vows to reread the Republic.  Actually she vows to read it for the first time ever because she remembered that due to a Phi Cappa Cappa toga party, she just couldn’t get to it.

All I can think about is this sad Zoloft commercial that used to make my roommate and me cry over in college.  It was this poor little lonely egg trapped in a cave!  Maybe we needed some Zoloft…

commercial_zoloft_cave

When Nurse Nikki and Juan Pablo are out of the cave they head to dinner.  Unfortunately Nikki forgot pants but decided her yoga tank top would make a nice dress.  She realizes she’s one sneeze away from showing Juan Pablo her…well, you know what…but she realizes it’s worth it if she’s ever going to find a husband.  Drastic times call for drastic measures.

Juan Pablo tells Nikki he is tired because he didn’t get much sleep last night.  Ugh.  I bet you are.

Nikki says she is not a morning person and that “not everybody is sunshine and rainbows all the time.”  I KNOW you aren’t….

nurse nikki

Is this chick too young for Rainbow Brite?  She was definitely all sunshine and rainbows all the time.  Rose for Nurse Nikki.

Rose Ceremony 

The girls gather on couches under some colorful lanterns and wait for Clare’s boyfriend to arrive.  When he does, he drops a bomb on them – 3 people are headed home tonight.  The girls sit in awkward silence but Clare, still feeling blissful, proposes a toast: “cheers to finding love, being loved, and making love.”  Clare giggles, the girls glare, and Juan Pablo starts to sweat.  He needs to talk to Clare soon to find out if she was able to track down some Plan B.  He’s seriously worried about this being a reality:

clare and jp

But before that happens, Juan Pablo and Renee finally kiss. Renee was as excited as a little school girl.  It was pretty cute.  I wonder how that kiss would feel knowing he just had sex with someone else?

Juan Pablo pulls a Mesnick over the balcony while he agonizes over his Clare tryst.  He finds Clare and asks if anyone knows about what happened.  Clare says no.  Juan Pablo puts on an “I’m an asshole” shirt and tells Clare that their little love affair was “a little weird for me.”  He tells her it wasn’t right because he is trying to get to know everyone carnally and he needs to be fair.  He tells her it’s about fairness 10 times and when that doesn’t work with Clare, he pulls out his daughter card.

  • JP: I have a daughter.  I don’t want her to see what happened.  I don’t want her to see that you tricked me into the ocean and took advantage of me.  I was not a willing participant in your charade because your sexual prowess overcame me.  You are a terrible example for my kid.  What’s her name?  Whatever.  This is all your fault.
  • Clare:  [looks away, starts to cry, shakes head]
  • JP: Look at me.  HEY.  Look at me!  Listen to me!
  • Clare:  I feel stupid and embarrassed.
  • JP:  I’ll never tell you anything else again since you’re crying now.

Clare goes back to the cocktail party and her feelings are hurt (umm rightfully so Clare).  I officially hate Juan Pablo.  What a total !#!(*@(#*@&#@(* (insert your desired expletive).  What sort of person willfully jumps into the ocean with someone, presumably has sex with said person, and then tells them they can’t put them in that position again.  As though she took advantage of him?  And now he’s trying to make her feel like a slut?  Unbelievable.  Hey Juan Pablo, want to be a good example for Cammmeeeeeeeeela?  Don’t use women and then make THEM feel bad about it.  Or better yet, don’t be on this show.

Danielle, Dog Lover, and Alli all leave the show rose-less and STD-less.  Lucky ladies.  Sharleen sobs over the departure of one of these ladies.  Are you SURE you’re into Juan Pablo and his kind, Sharleen?

So, what do you guys think?  Did they or didn’t they?  Weigh in!

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