Don’t worry, I’m not contagious.

After nearly six agonizing months free from Chris Harrison, hair extensions, an endless flow of alcohol, coveted roses, and extra-tanned bodies, the wait is finally over. Women all over the US hunkered down with their girlfriends and told their significant others to find somewhere else to watch the Notre Dame game. It was time to meet our new Bachelor – Sean Lowe (also known as Em’s third pick. Yikes Sean, not the strongest finish)! Better luck this time.

The Bachelor began with the typical montage of shirtless shower shots, the bachelor doing push-ups, the bachelor climbing a giant rock, the bachelor shirtless again, the bachelor pensively strolling on a beach alone, and the bachelor playing in a doll house. Oh and twelve more shots of the bachelor shirtless. My friend and I quickly began running through a litany of reasons why Sean is just “eh.” First, his personality majorly lacked on Em’s season. Second, his eyebrows are freakishly blond. Third, his skin is orange – and I don’t think it’s from eating too many carrots. Step away from the tanning booth Sean. Fourth, he’s on the Bachelor trying to find “love.” Good luck Sean… But of course Sean does have some redeeming features. He clearly enjoys protein shakes. His family seems very nice. His niece and nephew are cute (good potential his offspring will also be cute). And his parent’s house is beautiful. I could definitely float in that pool.

When it was time to meet the ladies, we squealed with delight. Soon, the excitement turned to gloom when we realized our youth had escaped us and the average age of the ladies is now about three years younger than us. Alas, we rallied and were fully prepared to be appalled by 97% of the ladies. Here are some of the memorable girls:

Wedding Dress Girl – Desiree, the wedding planner who works in a bridal gown shop. Unexpectedly, we did not find her too tan, too fake-chested, too dyed, or too trashy! We liked her. She looked sort of like a mix between Deanna Pappas and Katie Holmes (Dawson’s Creek era) and seemed mildly wholesome. Unfortunately her hair was disastrous when she met Sean and the front of her dress was too Grecian (although, the back was really beautiful). Desiree has potential (and potentially a boyfriend if the future scenes are accurate!).

First Rose Girl -Tierra – how can you forget a stripper name like that? And how can you forget about those insanely arched eyebrows? Apparently Sean couldn’t forget and broke rose protocol. Seeking permission from the Almighty Chris Harrison, Sean presented Tierra with the first rose of the evening. Cue the groans… is Tierra the new Courtney? Likely.

The Actual Wedding Dress Girl – Lindsay the substitute teacher. Good luck getting your next gig Lindsay – I fear the school board might frown on your slurred speech and the fact that you told Sean it was ok to kiss you because you “weren’t contagious.” Run Sean, run! But what does Sean do? Gives her a rose.

Fifty Shades of Intoxication Girl – Don’t know her name and don’t really care. Poor thing was a hot mess. I think Fifty Shades girl got confused (understandable given that she drank her body weight)–Christian is the name of the main character in Fifty Shades of Gray and while Sean calls himself Christian, it has nothing to do with the book. Poor Fifty Shades has to find someone else to tie up. Her dance moves were sent packing, not before apologizing to her Mother though…

The One We’ve Seen Before – Hey! That’s Kacie! The baton twirler from Ben’s season. The one who had the EPIC breakdown in the limo ride, screaming “what the BEEEEEEEEP happened. WHAT THE BEEEEEEEP HAPPENED!.” As if that wasn’t embarrassment enough, Kacie reappeared on Ben’s season begging to get him back (seriously Kacie, Ben is a stump.) If you recall, the scene culminated with Kacie laying on the hotel floor, rejected again. But, she’s back and apparently she has not eaten since she last saw Ben. Sean was weary about giving her a rose for fear the weight of it might double her over. Really though, I like Kacie and her hair looked amazing last night! Now go eat some ice cream Kacie. And maybe consider dying your hair blond (we see Sean with a blond).

Potentially Broken Limb Girl – Robyn – the gymnast – who crashed and burned. A royal flop. And maybe broke her arm/ cracked her head open. Poor thing. Back handsprings in a full-length gown on a wet driveway is probably a bad idea…especially when you’re drunk. But cute dress! Next time remember – don’t drink and flip.

Worst Dress of the Night Girl – Diana. The divorcee with two kids who lives in Salt Lake City. I’m going to take a wild guess and say she’s Mormon. Maybe call one-f Jef? He’s single! Diana was cute in her pre-show interview but then showed up in what can only be described as a nightmare. Her dress was a tank top on top (bra straps showing in back- things not so perky in front) and a giant white skirt. Aw-ful. There was enough fabric there to hide Kacie under her skirt. Never saw her talk with Em’s cast-off but apparently he liked her enough to give her a rose.

Giant Mouth and Teeth Girl – Kristy. The Ford Model from Wisconsin. In her pre-show interview Kristy exuded arrogance, vanity and giant giant teeth quite well. She thinks her you know what don’t stink! But, my Mother pointed out that Darien, Wisconsin has a terrible school district. When Sean finds that out, I’m sure her teeth will be in the first limo outta town!

There were so many gems and Sean will undoubtedly find his 4-6 week fiancé in this mix. I just hope she enjoys oiling up Sean’s abs and sitting on his back while he does push-ups. We are excited to see the girls out of their gowns/ crazy hair extensions and in their “natural habitat,” (aka the mansion), as my friend said!

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