Just when I thought I would never hate another bachelor as much as Ben Flajnik, enter Juan Pablo! Before I write this post, I need to take a moment and sincerely thank Juan Pablo. Because of his completely unlikable personality and deplorable treatment of women (and Chris Harrison), I had nearly 500 unique hits to my blog on Monday! Thank you Juan Pablo! For every jaw-dropping, spectacularly douchey thing you said, my blog had a new visitor. Muchos gracias, you skeezer.
I realize that I might have let you guys down when I didn’t recap the “Women Tell All.” I was away from home all last week and I simply ran out of time before this week’s finale. But, here’s a quick summary: trust, honesty, at the end of the day, doesn’t really hate gay people, English is my second language, everyone hates Juan Pablo, and eeet’s ok.
Without further ado, let’s join Juan Pablo in St. Lucia on his final chapter of his aventura. If you recall, it’s down to Clare and Nikki vying for the pile of male chauvinism that Juan Pablo’s hurling their direction. Well, that and a dose of narcissism, intolerance, flippancy, and a general disdainful personality. If that isn’t enticing in a future husband, I don’t know what is! I’m just being honest. Eeet’s ok.
Chris Harrison promises the 10 million viewers at home and his live studio audience that tonight will be the most dramatic season finale ever. Oh Chris Harrison, we’ve heard that one before, just like we’ve heard Juan Pablo say 10092732 times, “I’m just being honest.” At some point it starts to lose it’s meaning. I’m just being honest. It’s time to meet Juan Pablo’s family — the people responsible for bringing him into this world. On a side note, do you think we have some sort of cause of action against ABC for inflicting Juan Pablo in our lives? I’ve got damages for sure.
Clare Meets Mr. and Mrs. Juan Pablo and Cameeeeela
Juan Pablo’s dad is totally adorbs. That obviously must not be his biological father. Clare tells the JP clan she can’t wait to be a mother. In fact, she’s willing to start some baby-making in the spare bedroom if they don’t mind. Clare sits down with Juan Pablo’s mom so she can warn Clare that her son is sort of an a-hole. Clare asks if there is anything about his personality she should know about. Juan Pablo’s mom says “he can sometimes be very rude.” Nothing like your own mother throwing you under the bus! How much of a jerk do you have to be for your mother to basically warn total strangers of your poor personality?
I can just imagine their wedding vows:
- Clare: From the second we met, I knew how rude you were and knew we were meant to be together. When your mother confirmed your rudeness, I knew it was something special.
- Juan Pablo: I’m just being honest
Next up to warn Clare about Juan Pablo’s winning personality is his cousin. Turns out Juan Pablo has a tendency to run away when the goin’ gets tough. Shocker. Cousin tells JP Clare is READY for marriage (the word begging was actually thrown in there) and JP needs someone who is willing to stick around. This is all too much. Is the cousin basically saying that Juan Pablo is so offensive/ abusive that it’s hard for him to keep women in his life? Add that gem to the vows too, Clare!
Nikki Meets The People Juan Pablo Used To Call Family Before They Threw Him Under the Bus
Since meeting Juan Pablo’s family is old hat, Nikki decides to wear her swimsuit coverup to the rental casa. Juan Pablo’s cousin starts the convo, “so Nikki, you’re from Kansas right?” Nikki is not impressed, “who do you think I am, Dorothy? No I’m not from Kansas, you moron. I’m from Missouri.” After everyone is done making jokes about the bad witch and the good witch, Juan Pablo’s dad sits down to warn her.
- Papa Pablo: He’s not an easy guy. He’s always focalized on what he wants. It’s all about what he wants.
- Nikki: Mmmhmmm. Does my side braid still look ok? It’s really hot out here.
- Papa Pablo: No seriously, he’s a selfish prick. I don’t know what happened. He only cares about himself. He thinks he knows the truth of everything.
- Nikki: Got it. Seriously, can I get some powder PLEASE?
- Papa Pablo: I think you guys are perfect for each other.
Mamma Pablo sits down with Nikki and tells her that life with him will consist of watching TV. Think his Bachelor watching days are over? His cousin tells Nikki Juan Pablo walks away from relationships when they get rough. Best of luck Nikki because he’s just so agreeable, if, in fact, agreeable is a synonym for cantankerous.
Final Date with Clare: I barely know you but I like (@&#(@ You!
I guess ABC read my recent post where I pondered why helicopters were so MIA this season. They remedied that situation and stuck Clare and Juan Pablo in a helicopter for their final date. Drama ensues. Let’s talk about it.
Clare is having a really romantic, surreal time with Juan Pablo. In a rare moment, Clare and Juan Pablo find themselves completely alone in the helicopter after it lands. No cameras. No producers. Just the two of them. Juan Pablo leans in to whisper something in her ear. Instead of hearing sweet nothings, Clare is left offended and confused. But what DID Juan Pablo say to Clare? She says it’s too offensive to repeat. Here are some theories:
- Sorry about the herpes you’re definitely going to get.
- I liked f***ing you way more than Nikki. Ey yey yey.
- You’re so lucky you get to make out with me.
- You’re really hot but I kind of wish Nikki were here.
- I’m not picking you because I barely know you but I’m really excited to BEEP you later. (Insert dirty word into beep).
Clare tells the confession cam that Juan Pablo’s offensive words were something like “I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but I like f***ing you.” Aww, he’s such a gentleman. Could I get that printed on a t-shirt please? Romance.
Back at Nikki’s house, she resolves herself to finding out what JP meant by his words that shall not be repeated. He shows up at the door and practically begs like a dog for a little “besito.” She tells him they need to talk. Always bad news when you hear those words. Juan Pablo does the only thing he knows how to do. He just continues to beg for a little besito. I’m impressed with Clare’s restraint. I would have definitely punched him in the nose. The exchange was too annoying to even type. Clare talked, Juan Pablo just said mmhmm over and over. Juan Pablo says he doesn’t need “the physical.” Um. Right. Just like you don’t need air to breathe.
Juan Pablo tells Clare he can see himself with her. He knows that they will have babies in a year. Liar.
Wish. Clare. Would. Dump. Him. First.
Nikki’s Date Where Once Again Her Boobs Hang Out
That’s the end of this recap.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
It’s time. But right as we’re about to find out who will make an epic mistake, I realize there was no visit from the ever sleazy Neil Lane! This show seems incomplete without Neil Lane’s excessive chest hair hanging out of his unbuttoned crisp white shirt and his suitcase full of offensively large, tacky, costume jewelry rings. Come on ABC! I need to see Neil! How else will I be snarky? Oh that’s right. Juan Pablo. He provides me with ample fodder.
The girls get a memo from ABC instructing them to wear something that doesn’t look too bridal. Because Juan Pablo just ain’t going there. Ever. Nikki is thrilled because let’s face it, it’s hard to find slutty wedding dresses. Instead she opts for a blue dress with a slit all the way up to her bikini line. Way to stay classy Nikki.
Clare arrives to the final rose sight first. All these ocean views and ABC sticks them in the middle of the woods? First arrival = bye bye Clare. Fear not though Clare, fear not. You’re really dodging a bullet with this one. Or at least an STD. Clare tells Juan Pablo he’s a total prick. Oh wait. Not yet. First she tells him they have something special and she believes in him. Then Juan Pablo delivers a crushing blow. He says, “Clare, eeet’s ok. But I really liked f***ing Nikki a little more. Besito?” Clare is outraged. She tells him he misled her. She says she thought she knew what kind of man he was. She says “I lost respect for you. Because, I’ll tell you what. What you just made me go through, I would never want my children having a father like you.” Amen, sister!
And that’s when it happened. The nail in the proverbial coffin. Juan Pablo becomes the world’s most hated Bachelor. Ever. He says, with a smirk, “Whooo. I’m glad I didn’t pick her. Whooo” Cue. the. groans. Hey Juan Pablo, this isn’t the limbo. None of us wanted to see how low you can go.
Nikki is ready to spend the rest of her life with Juan Pablo. She is so excited for that Neil Lane sparkler. She knows it’s about to all come true. It’s a modern day fairy tale…if your Prince Charming also happens to date 25 women, makes out excessively with half of them, sleeps with a handful of them and then slut-shames one of them, and continuously says offensive things and then blames a language barrier. Nikki calls that everything she’s dreamed of. I call that my worst nightmare. Well actually, my worst nightmare is being shot (I don’t know what’s wrong with me) but this blog is all about being hyperbolic.
Except Nikki soon learns that Prince Juan Pablo is not proposing. He tells her “I have this ring in my pocket. But I’m not going to use it. I’m not 100% sure that I want to propose to you. But at the same time, I’m 100% sure that I just don’t want to let you go.” Nikki is fuming. How in the world can she instagram a non-engagement ring? But he reassures her. “I like you a lot. A lot.” With a wink to seal the deal.
So what happened after the final rose? That post will be up soon. Here’s a preview: Juan Pablo continues to be completely and utterly unlikable.