Monthly Archives: July 2014

Boy oh Boy

Remember when I was a teenager and this show was new and fresh?  In the blink of an eye, I went from not being old enough to drive a car when this show started to being too old to be considered for casting.  Where has my life gone?  What do I have to show for it?  A blog about the Bachelor franchise?  Student loans and car payments?  A closet full of dresses too short and too tight for someone *ahem* pushing 30?  In the wise words of Max Kellerman from Dirty Dancing, “it feels like it’s all slipping away.”

But alas, back to when this show first started, the Men Tell All episode was just that — the men came in, badmouthed the bachelorette, we learned house secrets, and maybe some tears were shed.  Now, we hear from the bachelors who were on the show for like a hot second, most of whom we have no recall of whatsoever, and the rest of the time is dedicated to exploiting their 3 success stories.

Exploited this time?  Ashley, JP and their teeny tiny fetus.  Yes, Ashley is with child– JP’s child despite the weird references to it maybe looking like Chris Harrison.  That’s not creepy at all.  And in the most staged and exploited moment so far, Chris arranged for an extra to fake a sonogram on TV to announce the gender of the baby.  As the tabloids reported it was a boy months ago, I’m calling bologna sausage.

Since there are no secrets in the blogging world and we’re all friends here, free from judgment (to my face), I might as well confide in you that I’ve watched every episode of Sex and the City.  Like 50 times.  Or more.  Details aren’t important.  The point is, this reminded me of the episode when Miranda faked her sonogram.  She went in for a sonogram (hey pregnant friends/ doctor friends, what’s the difference between a sonogram and an ultrasound) and it was the 20-week check-up when she could find out the sex of the baby.  When the technician enthusiastically said, “It’s a BOY!” Miranda had to fake a happy surprised reaction of “boy oh boy.”

miranda-jpg

 

source: http://bridegene.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/miranda-jpg.png

These two totally just faked their sonogram.  But I’m sure they got paid good money to fake it.

Here’s what else “happened” (the use of quotes is perfectly acceptable here because nothing really happened other than I got bored):

  1. Extra in the audience posing as someone trying to meet Farmer Chris.  Crazy much?  Since when does ABC just allow random people to rush the stage?
  2. Oh that’s right, they don’t!  Exhibit A: Chris from Emily’s season.  Man they hate him.  And yet, they keep using him for the show to humiliate him.
  3. Bachelor in nightmare Paradise.  I sure hope they bring strong antibiotics for all those bodily fluid exchanges.  Nobody likes the Clap.  I think that’s an STD?  Also, I totally just googled, “STDs you can treat with antibiotics.”  I’m oddly excited for this show.  It looks like a cross between Jerry Springer and the Real World.  The theme can be: “take care of yourself and each other, where people stop being polite, and start getting real.”  Genius.
  4. Marquel has a cloth chocolate chip cookie pin.
  5. Scarves.  Man scarves.  Lot of them.  Some of them I think I own.
  6. Objectionable hearsay causes a 30 minute debate between Andrew, Marquel and JJ.  He said, she said, blah blah blah.  News for all of you: this is not admissible in the Bachelorette Court of Law!  Excited utterance exception?  I don’t think so!
  7. JJ appears drunk or stoned (you know, I’m not a drug user so I’m actually worried that might be an antiquated term used by my mother.  Sorry I’m so uncool with my lingo).  JJ almost cries.  Probably just the drugs talking.
  8. Andi is not willing to fake a sonogram tonight because she’s not pregnant.  She just has a little bloat from all the drinking and eating.
  9. Lies, lies and more lies.  Dylan, Marcus and Josh are all liars.  Dylan doesn’t wash his hands in the bathroom. Ew.  Marcus slept with over 20 women.  Double ew.  And Josh’s lies?  I’ll never tell.  XOXO – Gossip Girl.
  10. In the most dramatic twist of them all, Chris Harrison hands Andi a note backstage, after the show is over.  And that’s it.

Tomorrow night is the finale and I can’t wait!  On a scale of 1 to 10, what is the likelihood that Neil Lane will shine a diamond on the chest hair that will undoubtedly be spilling out of his shirt?  Or is he a shave the chest kind of guy?  Either way, I’m sure Neil’s chest will be exposed enough  to place a defibrillator pad on his chest without having to waste time with buttons, in the event of a medical emergency.

So, who will it be?  Are you team Nick or team Josh?  Or are you like me, supporting team I Am Totally Unimpressed by Both of Them and Care About as Much as I Care about Sports?

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He’s Got a Body on Him

One word sums up this episode: boring.  What a snooze-fest.  I’ve seen more drama on episodes of Full House.  I mean remember when DJ had to choose between Steve and the rich guy, Nelson?  Drama!  Oddly enough, that plot line was similar to this plot line…

Anyway, Andi and her remaining three dudes land in the DR for some quality sexcapades overnight dates to better [ahem] get to know each other.  Biblically.  Except for Farmer Chris.  She’s not going to be shuckin’ any of his corn.   He’s not going to be plowin’ any of her fields.  That was my lame attempt at farming erotica.

Andi is soooooo excited to be in the Dominican Republic.  It’s the perfect place to fall in love.  The first 45 minutes of the show are devoted to recapping the entire season– in case you forgot what happened the past month of this show.  You know the show is really struggling for content when they make us watch Andi “journal.”  Seeing as she turns to the very first page in her spiral notebooks indicates she’s journaling for the first time since 5th grade.

First Overnight Date: Nick 

A HELICOPTER ride!  Yippy!  It’s been a while! And wouldn’t you know it – ABC manages to find some corral from the helicopter that’s shaped like a heart.  How convenient romantic. Andi takes Nick to a private island, where Andi declares, “this is freaking amazing.”  You know what else is also a little amazing?  Nick’s body is actually pretty nice.  I didn’t expect that.  He must have borrowed some roids from Cody.  Andi says, “Nick.  UGH.  He’s got a body on him.”  Ok creeper. She calls Nick passionate and says “It’s that adult romance with Nick.”  Please go no further.  I don’t want to throw up the 10 Oreos I just ate.

Nick and Andi talk about his past relationship and the conversation once again was like this– Nick: like, I, like, I was like, young.  Like.  I was like.  Yeah.  It’s life.  Like that’s the thing.  Like, yeah.

Boy, he’s articulate. Like.

At dinner, Nick tells Andi he did what a typical midwestern guy would do for a girl.  He wrote her a fairytale.  Um.  I’m sorry but I’ve dated a LOT of midwestern guys– in fact I’ve never not dated a midwestern guy– and yet not a one of them ever wrote me a fairytale.  And that’s really quite ok.  Sadly the fairytale was just another recap.  So boring.  So stupid.  So over this.  Does Nick think Andi is a 5 year old?

Andi whips out the fantasy suite card and Nick says he is most excited to talk Andi’s ear off the entire night.  Andi’s thrilled they are going to be doing all this “talking” all night long.  Before they head to the room to swap bodily fluids, he says “like” 500 times and finally “I love you.”

Second Overnight Date: Josh

It’s laundry day for Andi so she decides to wear black running shorts with a yellow flowy lacy top on her date with Josh.  It’s…weird.  Andi wants Josh to tell her he loves her.  If not, no sex for him talking all night long in the fantasy suite.  Andi and Josh explore the little town and what do you know, they end up at a baseball diamond.  I swear this is the last 5 dates these two have been on.

Oh my gosh.  I’m seriously so bored.  Their convo at dinner is so boring I don’t even have anything witty to say about it.  He said he wants to marry her and he loves her.  What’s with his weird accent?  Eventually they head to the recently sanitized fantasy suite, where Josh, unlike Nick, is excited to do anything but talk.

Not Gonna Happen Overnight Date: Farmer Chris

I saw this coming.  I love Chris and I realllllly hope he’s the next Bachelor but I knew Andi was never going to pick him.  There’s no way that chick can keep up her five minutes of fame in Iowa.  Ain’t gonna happen.

Andi spends the date telling Chris over and over again how much she loves his family.  Seriously, it’s all she says all day; your family is so great, I love them!  Yeah well they officially hate you.

Andi wears tiny white shorts for some horseback riding, which apparently she finds terrifying.  Eventually, they play ghost in the grave yard.  Alone.  Maybe not the smoothest move.  It was cute with your family.  It’s just weird alone in a field.

At dinner Andi realizes it’s time to dump the farmer.  While never once looking at him, she tells him 10 times that it’s not Iowa (which really means, it’s actually Iowa) and tells him that it’s actually him.  Oh.  That’s worse.  You should have said it was Iowa.  She basically says her feelings aren’t as strong for him as they are for the other guys.  Andi says she’s unsure about the relationship.  Farmer Chris is stunned and caught off guard.  He tells her he just wants to fall in love with her and that’s happening and that he doesn’t want to change one thing about her.  Farmer Chris can’t believe he’s being dumped for Nick.  The least manly guy ever.  I can’t believe it either Farmer Chris but I’m thankful because I certainly could not watch Nick for a season as the next Bachelor.

As the consummate gentleman, Farmer Chris offers Andi his arm as they walk out to the rejection car.  He wishes her the best and says goodbye.  He’s such a gentle soul.

Andi still conducts a rose ceremony and Nick and Josh accept their roses. Josh brags about all the “non-talking” he and Andi did last night.  Nick responds with 100 likes and then brags that he’s like, the favorite, and like, Andi loves talking to him, like the most.

See you tomorrow for the Men Tell All!  Will anyone else tell Andi she’s an actress?  Will Farmer Chris be announced as the next Bachelor?  Will this episode be a little less dull than the fantasy suite date episode?  Please, please PLEASE let it be more exciting!

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I Feel Like an Idiot

Y’all. Yesterday I spent a solid five minutes staring into the mirror trying to make my lips look like Andi’s signature duck pout look. I failed. I don’t know if it’s because my lips are just too big to pull that off but I looked like a botox job gone bad.

It’s hometown dates. And that means I care about one thing, and one thing only. Andi is headed to Milwaukee! My hometown! Go Pack Go.

Milwaukee:

wayne

source: https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-mERVtd7P2Qw/Uuwj3Il9TzI/AAAAAAAAmms/TVOe-iSRENQ/w500/14%2B-%2B1

Nick takes Andi to the Milwaukee Public Market. It’s the knock-off version of Seattle or so I envision since I’ve not actually been there. But you know what ours has that Seattle probably doesn’t? Beer and cheese tasting aplenty.

Once they have a solid buzz happening (this is, after all, the “drunkest state” in America), Nick takes Andi to Lake Front Brewery for…you guessed it, more drinking! I hope Andi can hold her own because she’s going to be one drink shy of dancing on a table soon. If she gets to that point, I recommend Water Street. She doesn’t quite find herself on a table, but she does hit up the dance floor to perform the Wisconsin state dance, the Polka.

I actually had a gym unit dedicated to the Polka. We take it seriously, folks. If you can’t Polka during the seventh inning stretch at the Brewers game, then don’t bother coming. Cubs fans need not apply.

After Andi and Nick finish rolling out the barrel, they head to Waukesha to meet Nick’s massive family. And I mean MASSIVE. 10 children. Catholic much? Safe assumption. It’s Milwaukee.  Nick is the oldest of the Von Trapp Family Singers.  The youngest looks to be about 8.  Nick is 33.  That means he was in his mid 20’s when that kid was born.  That’s just wrong, mother.  Wrong.  Nick’s protective sister, Marie (or Maria?) sits down to chat with Andi about her intentions.  I want to know if Nick’s sister intentionally forgot pants?  Because man, that dress is short!  It was a miracle that ABC didn’t have to use the black privacy bars for this segment.

The youngest, adorable Bella, sits down with Andi and asks the tough questions.  Andi says she has a strong “mental connection” with Nick.  Bella wonders who says “mental connection.”  I vote for Bella as future Bachelorette in 15 years.  Bella reports back to Nick and can’t really remember her conversation with Andi and falsely tells Nick that Andi loves him.  Oh Bella.  Maybe journalism isn’t in your future.  This is how rumors get started.

Nick humbly tells his Mother that he’s Andi’s favorite and there’s no way he’ll get sent home.  His mother wonders how her son’s ego got so gigantic.

Arlington, Iowa: Field of Dreams 

How adorable is Farmer Chris?  I’m ready to saddle up my horse and head to Iowa.  I’ve got no problem with Iowa, Chris.  And I have no problem baking in the kitchen and playing ghost in the graveyard at night.  FYI, I come with a cat.  See ya soon!

Farmer is sexy in his plaid shirt and blue vest.  Andi agrees. Finally something we can agree on!  Farmer gives Andi a tour of his beautiful house (seriously Farmer, I’m on my way) and his picturesque farmland.  Taking a cue from Kenny Chesney, Farmer takes Andi out back to show off his tractor. Farmer Chris winks at the camera and tells it, “she think’s my tractor’s sexy.”

Farmer Chris shows Andi his entire dell.  He takes Andi out to plow the field.  Andi is disappointed he can’t plow anything else on this date.  She says “he’s hot, he’s manly, he’s burly.  He’s like, the hottest farmer ever.”  They picnic in the field and Andi asks Farmer what she’s supposed to do in this podunk town.  Farmer suggests she be a homemaker.  Andi asks if there are any talent agents around because she reminds Farmer she quit her lawyering job in search of fame.  Farmer Chris suggests she get back to her legal career instead of trying to be an “actress.”  Andi says she’s not as City as he thinks she is.  Cause her family has a cabin, y’all.  And she hunts.  A plane flies over carrying a banner, “Farmer Loves Andi.”  Andi responds with her most sincere ‘shut up.’

Andi meets Farmer’s mom, dad, three older sisters and their husbands.  I like Farmer even a tad more knowing he’s the youngest (the youngest are always the most charming.  Ask anyone.  Ask my mom).  One of Chris’ sisters reminds me of Julia Stiles so I already like her.   Julia raves about the success of their little bro.  Andi’s mom is adorbs and I love her.  She’s so sweet.  Momma Farmer says Andi can do anything in Iowa and the world is so small so there are no limits for a woman on a farm these days.  Amen, momma, amen.  Sage momma tells the camera that it’s an integral part of life to share the good times and the bad times with someone you love and she wants Chris to find that.  I love her.  What a warm lady.

Momma Farmer gets Andi alone and tells her their babies would be beautiful.  The way she says babies just makes me die with laughter.  There was so much gusto.  BABIES.  She tells Andi she has gumption and that she’s a tough cookie.  She tells her to follow her heart and that she can make it anywhere.  After, the family goes out to play ghost in the graveyard.  Love. this.  How can you not embrace a family who wants to go out and have fun together?  My sisters and I played ghost in the graveyard all the time growing up.  Count me in!

Atlanta.  I have nothing creative to say about this.

Josh and his sports loving family are ready to talk sports with Andi.  Put on your helmet Andi, it’s going to be a long afternoon.  But first, Josh and Andi play some baseball.  Of course.  This feels very reminiscent of Roberto and Ali.  Andi wears shorts that she should have retired in 6th grade.  They are so short they don’t even cover her hips.  Come on, girl.  Nobody ever said shorter is better. Josh says that he decided to leave baseball so he could have a life.  Um.  I think you left baseball because baseball left you.  But nice try Josh. Nice try.

Now let’s talk about Aaron.  The little brother.  He’s about to be drafted by the NFL.  And that’s all the family cares about.  Andi is pissed.  This is about HER.

Creepy alert.  Josh’s mother looks exactly like Andi.  Or Andi looks exactly like Josh’s mother.  She could be her daughter.  She could be Josh’s sister.  The resemblance is too much.  Their hair colors are identical.  This gives me the icks.

For some reason the little brother, Aaron, the present golden boy of the family, sits at the head of the table and gives the toast.  After that, Aaron’s done his good deed of the day and is free to talk about football the rest of the evening.  Andi is mad.  “Before I could even eat dinner, they were like football time,” she says with a roll of the eyes.  Andi says she knows it’s a “huge time in Aaron’s life but it’s also a huge time in Josh’s life.”  Really?  Is it?  Sorry but the NFL draft is probably a little more interesting to these folks than their son’s girlfriend who happens to also be dating 3 other dudes and maybe Chris Harrison.

Andi has some time alone with Josh’s mother and his Mother basically says Josh is a momma’s boy and she better back down.  Coach dad tells Andi that if they end up together they will be expected to attend all of Aaron’s football games on Sundays.  Andi is starting to lose it.  She does not want to spend all day fawning over Aaron for the rest of her life.  People should be fawning over her, damn it!  Andi curses the day Aaron was born and heads to her next hometown date…

Dallas:  All my ex’s live in Texas  (A song Andi will soon sing)

Marcus tells Andi he’s taking her on a tour of Dallas reflective of a day in his life.  I’m worried.  He takes Andi to a dark club and performs a striptease.  It’s so awful I cringe.  His undies are so tight and so white, that ABC was actually forced to use the black privacy bars.  Oh Marcus.  Why.  Cue the groans.  Did I miss something?  How is this a day in your life?  Are you a stripper?  Do you like strippers?  Do you frequent a lot of strip clubs?  Poor judgment Marcus.  Poor judgment.

After Marcus wipes the oil off his body and pulls the singles out of his g-string, he takes Andi to meet his family.  His sister reminds me of Stifler’s mom.  I guess that makes sense given the striptease we were just forced to witness.  Stifler’s mom tells Andi that he can be a little “over-caring” sometimes.  Translation: he’s intense, has he scared you off?  Andi says her feelings need to catch up to Marcus.

Meanwhile, Marcus chooses this opportunity to thank his brother for essentially raising him.  Tears were shed.  It was strange.  Why is this happening on national television and not in private?  His mother seems Russian.  That’s all.

ABC Demonstrates Just How Low They’re Willing To Go

In what seemed like the most contrived moment yet, Chris Harrison invites all the remaining contestants and Andi to his house to deliver the tragic news that Eric died in a paragliding accident.  It felt very awkward, inappropriate and exploitive.  That’s all I’m going to say about it.  Chris Harrison’s house?  Icky.  Can’t he hire someone to make that place a little nicer?  Come on Chris, you make millions just instructing bimbos to hand out their final rose of the evening.  You can afford an interior designer.

Marcus was sent packing sans rose.  No surprise there.  Andi doesn’t really see “striptease” recipient in her future.   Marcus is stunned.  He tells Andi, “I wanted to be that guy for you.”  Andi tells him that when she’s engaged to Josh or Nick (I see Farmer Chris as the next Bachelor), he’ll definitely be the guy for her to perform at her Bachelorette party.

Marcus gets in the rejection limo and says “I feel like an idiot.  I shouldn’t have told her I loved her….I feel like she could be my soulmate.”  No Marcus, you shouldn’t have performed a striptease on your hometown date.  That’s where things went wrong.

 

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That was Literally Phenomenal

Touchy subject.  Andi’s in Brussels.  As in Belgium.  You know, the country who just beat the US in the World Cup?  If only I cared one ounce about soccer!  And truthfully, if you care that much about soccer, you probably don’t read my blog.  It’s all good.

Andi and the remaining 5 men plus Nick are ready to hit up the all you can eat Belgian waffle special at the IHOP.  Whoever eats the most waffles automatically gets a hometown date.  Somewhere Bodybuilder Cody is throwing a protein shake against the wall.  He knew if he were on this trip, he would totally win the eating contest.  He’d even be willing to skip lean protein for a chance at love with Andi.

The men arrive at their new hotel for the week in their mandatory Brussel’s uniform: zipped up hoodies with fashion scarves for men.  You know, I’ve never seen my boyfriend wear a fashion scarf.  I think I’m ok with that.  Sometimes he wears this cute scarf in the winter that he crocheted himself (seriously) but that’s when it’s -40 outside and snow is whipping horizontally at your face and it’s been 40 minutes at the bus stop.  But never once has he said to me, you know, I’d really like to borrow one of your silky scarves.  Never once.  Nick can even tie his scarf better than me.

Chris Har shows up for a “man chat” to tell the guys this week is important.  In case you’ve lived under a rock the past 15 years, making it through this week means you get a hometown date.  For some reason Chris just got paid millions to deliver that message.  How do I get his job?  Other rules of the week: two one on one dates with no roses and a group date with a rose.  Got that?  Good.  Harrison excuses himself — after all the beer, waffles and chocolates aren’t going to eat themselves!

One on One- Marcus, You’re Kind of a Clinger And Your Tongue is Way too Aggressive When we Kiss But I’ve Got Slim Options So I’d Like to Hang Out With You for the Day

Marcus is 25.  That’s just wrong.  Marcus and Andi head into the city to explore.  Andi wears, for the 12th date straight, her white pants.  Why the tight white pants?  How does she keep them clean?  The “no white after labor day” rule is obviously dead and gone.

M & A order some mussels.  I seriously love mussels.  And not the Cody kind.  I like the seafood kind.  Old Ebbitt Grill in DC.  Holy smokes.  Get me some.  NOW.  Mussels, Brussels and beer?  That’s my ideal date!

Ok ABC, I don’t believe your editing.  After they are done with mussels, we head to commercial.  When the show is back on, Andi and Marcus are all dressed up and eating dinner.  Um.  Didn’t they just eat?  They must be so full.

At dinner Marcus says his family is dysfunctional.  What else is new.  He said his dad left and he hated his Mother in his 20’s (he’s 25 so I totally don’t follow).  He says his Mother is not the best.  Son of the year!

Marcus says he’s never felt this way about a girl before.  How can people get on this show and say that?  Have they never known someone more than 30 minutes?

Marcus comes back from his date and Nick starts to scheme.  He sneaks off and heads to the hotel lobby.  He approaches the front desk and tells the clerk he forgot his key and room number and asks for a new key.  Nick says the room is under his wife’s name, Andi D.  The clerk asks no questions, gives him Andi’s room number and a key.  It might be time to review that hotel’s security protocols.  Mr. Andi shows up at her door and the Mrs. is stunned.

You know what I find odd?  When I get home from work, dinner, a date, etc, I immediately peel my clothes and jewelry off.  I throw my hair on top of my head, put on the biggest sweats I can find and scrub the makeup off my face.  I do that within minutes of walking in the door.  Without fail.  But Andi?  She’s back in her hotel room looking all glammed up and perfect.  I’m not buying this impromptu ambush.

Andi and Nick enjoy some Brussels nightlife.  Nick says he’s going to marry Andi.  I say Nick looks like a cross between a serial killer and the Joker.  Andi tells us one too many times how hot it is making out with Nick.  No.  You know what’s hot?  Tamales.  And potatoes. But Nick?  No.

One on One – Josh, I Just Want to Make Out With You All Night Long So That’s Why I Picked You For the Date and I Love Athletes 

You guys.  Andi is wearing the white pants.  AGAIN!  Why!  Did ABC mandate white pants only this season?  Doesn’t she own a pair of dark wash jeans?  She’s also wearing a crop-top.  Enough said.  Meanwhile, Josh put on the tightest shirt he owns to highlight his man nipples and pecks.  Josh and Andi wander the streets of Brussels and sample some local chocolates.

When they are finished, Josh says, “that was literally phenomenal.”  Oh Josh.  Shopping cannot possibly be considered a phenomenon.  It’s just not.  This is a phenomenon:

sky

image source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natural_phenomenon#mediaviewer/File:Polarlicht_2.jpg

For a lesson on using the word literally, click here: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/literally

Glad we cleared that up, figuratively.

Andi complains that Josh isn’t emotional enough and doesn’t open.  So she takes him to a church and has him light some candles.  At dinner, Andi is annoyed that Josh hasn’t said ‘I love you,’ or ‘I’m falling in love with you’ because at this stage, 3 weeks after knowing these Andi and spending a cumulative 3 hours with her, dropping the L-word is essential if you want to stay in the running.  Frankly if someone told me they loved me faster than I can even consume a bag of chips, I’d probably get a restraining order.  Andi fishes and fishes until she forces Josh into saying he’s falling in love with her.  Lawyering.

The other mandated feature of the show this season (the first being Andi’s white pants) is the concert.  Andi and Josh dance to some band called “American Young.”  This is the second date for Josh and Andi and their second concert.  For your pleasure, I’ve looked up the chorus of this song:

Sometimes love is a white flag
Sometimes love is standing tall
Sometimes love is a feather
Sometimes a cannon ball
But it’s worth fighting for (it’s worth fighting for)
Baby, sometimes love is war

Read more: American Young – Love Is War Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Duh, we know.  Love is a battlefield.

Group Date: You’re on this date because I didn’t want to make out with you (except you Nick, I had to put you on this date because ABC is hoping to create drama)

The boys pedal Andi on a “rail bike,” which is a bike/ cart thing that rides on a railroad track.  That seriously looked like fun.  After the guys get their burn on, Andi takes the men to a monastery.  Since it’s sacred grounds, there is no kissing on the grounds.  Everyone speaks in hushed tones while on the grounds.  Andi pulls Farmer Chris outside the walls to make pottery together.  Andi says it’s very steamy.  She pretends she’s Demi and imagines Patrick Swayze’s arms wrap around her. I don’t blame you, Andi.  Patrick makes my heart swoon.

Farmer Chris rejoins the other guys and gets annoyed by game-playing Nick.  Brian tells Andi he’s falling in love with her.  He says he’s never told anyone that before.  I feel like every guy keeps saying that.  Nobody wants to hear that a 30 year old has never loved another person before.  Andi reacts with a  “yeah” when he says he’s falling in love with her.  Ouch, Brian.  That was a bad yeah.  Kiss your rose receiving days goodbye.

Nick says he’s confident that Andi is coming home to meet his family.  He starts to tell Andi how she feels.  It sort of makes me want to punch him in the face.  Like as hard as possible.  He says he can FEEL Andi falling in love with him.  How arrogant are you?  For some reason Andi eats it up and they have a staring contest for like a three minutes straight due to the sacred ground rule.

And what do you know, Nick gets the rose.  He gets to spend the rest of the night with Andi for managing to pull the wool over her eyes one more time.  Andi is super excited to go to Milwaukee to meet Nick’s family.  I’m really sad that Nick is from my hometown.

As for Andi’s rejectee’s?  They are madder than a wet hen.  Literally?  No, not literally, Josh.  Back on Nick’s private date, they play a game of “this or that,” with serious questions like “big or small?”  Nick says big.  Go big or go home.  I don’t totally know what they are talking about anymore but I guess that’s supposed to mean he’s well-endowed.  But I don’t buy it.  And that makes me want to vomit a little.  They watch some fireworks- big ones- and Nick can feel Andi fall in love with him a little more.

Nick returns home to the scorn of the rejected men.  The’ve had enough of his game playing/ winning.  After what seems like 7 minutes of total silence, the men finally man up and tell Nick they want to pulverize him.  Brian finally breaks the silence.  Marcus says he wouldn’t trust him near his sister.  Farmer Chris asks if he cares more about Andi or strategy.  All the men agree he cares about strategy.  I think the guys should play a friendly game of Stratego to determine who’s best at strategy.  Listen, I don’t like Nick one iota but they do all sound a little jealous.

Brian and Dylan get sent home.  Brian has a mild breakdown but it’s nothing the ABC psychotherapist can’t handle or drug.  Hometown dates comin’ on up!

 

 

 

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