Remember when I was a teenager and this show was new and fresh? In the blink of an eye, I went from not being old enough to drive a car when this show started to being too old to be considered for casting. Where has my life gone? What do I have to show for it? A blog about the Bachelor franchise? Student loans and car payments? A closet full of dresses too short and too tight for someone *ahem* pushing 30? In the wise words of Max Kellerman from Dirty Dancing, “it feels like it’s all slipping away.”
But alas, back to when this show first started, the Men Tell All episode was just that — the men came in, badmouthed the bachelorette, we learned house secrets, and maybe some tears were shed. Now, we hear from the bachelors who were on the show for like a hot second, most of whom we have no recall of whatsoever, and the rest of the time is dedicated to exploiting their 3 success stories.
Exploited this time? Ashley, JP and their teeny tiny fetus. Yes, Ashley is with child– JP’s child despite the weird references to it maybe looking like Chris Harrison. That’s not creepy at all. And in the most staged and exploited moment so far, Chris arranged for an extra to fake a sonogram on TV to announce the gender of the baby. As the tabloids reported it was a boy months ago, I’m calling bologna sausage.
Since there are no secrets in the blogging world and we’re all friends here, free from judgment (to my face), I might as well confide in you that I’ve watched every episode of Sex and the City. Like 50 times. Or more. Details aren’t important. The point is, this reminded me of the episode when Miranda faked her sonogram. She went in for a sonogram (hey pregnant friends/ doctor friends, what’s the difference between a sonogram and an ultrasound) and it was the 20-week check-up when she could find out the sex of the baby. When the technician enthusiastically said, “It’s a BOY!” Miranda had to fake a happy surprised reaction of “boy oh boy.”
These two totally just faked their sonogram. But I’m sure they got paid good money to fake it.
Here’s what else “happened” (the use of quotes is perfectly acceptable here because nothing really happened other than I got bored):
- Extra in the audience posing as someone trying to meet Farmer Chris. Crazy much? Since when does ABC just allow random people to rush the stage?
- Oh that’s right, they don’t! Exhibit A: Chris from Emily’s season. Man they hate him. And yet, they keep using him for the show to humiliate him.
- Bachelor in
nightmareParadise. I sure hope they bring strong antibiotics for all those bodily fluid exchanges. Nobody likes the Clap. I think that’s an STD? Also, I totally just googled, “STDs you can treat with antibiotics.” I’m oddly excited for this show. It looks like a cross between Jerry Springer and the Real World. The theme can be: “take care of yourself and each other, where people stop being polite, and start getting real.” Genius.
- Marquel has a cloth chocolate chip cookie pin.
- Scarves. Man scarves. Lot of them. Some of them I think I own.
- Objectionable hearsay causes a 30 minute debate between Andrew, Marquel and JJ. He said, she said, blah blah blah. News for all of you: this is not admissible in the Bachelorette Court of Law! Excited utterance exception? I don’t think so!
- JJ appears drunk or stoned (you know, I’m not a drug user so I’m actually worried that might be an antiquated term used by my mother. Sorry I’m so uncool with my lingo). JJ almost cries. Probably just the drugs talking.
- Andi is not willing to fake a sonogram tonight because she’s not pregnant. She just has a little bloat from all the drinking and eating.
- Lies, lies and more lies. Dylan, Marcus and Josh are all liars. Dylan doesn’t wash his hands in the bathroom. Ew. Marcus slept with over 20 women. Double ew. And Josh’s lies? I’ll never tell. XOXO – Gossip Girl.
- In the most dramatic twist of them all, Chris Harrison hands Andi a note backstage, after the show is over. And that’s it.
Tomorrow night is the finale and I can’t wait! On a scale of 1 to 10, what is the likelihood that Neil Lane will shine a diamond on the chest hair that will undoubtedly be spilling out of his shirt? Or is he a shave the chest kind of guy? Either way, I’m sure Neil’s chest will be exposed enough to place a defibrillator pad on his chest without having to waste time with buttons, in the event of a medical emergency.
So, who will it be? Are you team Nick or team Josh? Or are you like me, supporting team I Am Totally Unimpressed by Both of Them and Care About as Much as I Care about Sports?