In an unprecedented Bachelor franchise move, the “Men Tell What We Already Know All” show airs prior to the fantasy suite date. What’s with the change in protocol, Harrison? As I prepared myself for next two hours, I started to think about things I need answered. Here are my questions:
- Michael, do you or do you not have an endorsement deal with Suave Hair Gel for men?
- Ben, what ever possessed you to buy that man-tank with the spaghetti straps? Or did you borrow it from Des? Please refer to exhibit A to refresh your recollection:
Also, I can only assume those are Des’ shorts too. - Brian, what ABOUT DONAVON!?
- No, seriously, what about DONAVON! How could you do this to DONAVON?!!?
- Zak W, do you admit the ring you gave Des was from the dollar store and was just a filler until you got your hands on the ABC Neil Lane diamond?
- James and Mikey, did you start a party boat line in Chicago exclusively for tall, beautiful, rich women?
- #hashtag Kasey, do you know that the only thing more annoying than your tall hair is constantly saying #hashtag? #it’strue.
- Juan Pablo, can I have your number?
- Who here wishes Emily was the Bachelorette again?
Chris Harrison takes the stage in front of a live studio audience. Per usual, there are approximately three men in the audience – someone who cheated on his girl friend and the only way she would forgive him was if he went to the taping with her, someone whose wife told him they were going to a taping of Jimmy Kimmel Live, and someone’s gay best friend.
But before the men come out, we must watch some pre-taped viewing parties crashed by Chris and Des. And then more crashes with Ashley and JP. And then the Mesnicks. And Trista, in a desperate attempt to stay relevant. All of the viewing parties opened their door, feigning shock at who was on the other side. I’m highly doubting ABC showed up at these places unannounced. All of the girls were in dresses with perfect hair and makeup, sipping on beverages. In sharp contrast, my viewing parties consist of two girls in sweats, unshowered, shoving food in our mouths and drinking milk. Please, crash. I beg of you.
Next, Des sits down with Ali, Emily, and Ashley to get some advice about “bad boys.” Emily is unable to blink, move her face at all, or register emotions due to even more plastic surgery. Ali sports some major major black roots with blonde hair. It was very Penny from Dirty Dancing. They fake friendship and cheers to putting boys in their place. Girls rule, boys drool!
It’s FINALLY time to meet the guys. Only, I am not sure they have the right people. Who are these people? Where is the creepy doctor? Where is Brian?! What about Donavon? Where is Bentley? Oh wait, that wasn’t this season.
Chris Harrison starts asking Juan Pablo questions. I realize it’s the first time I’ve ever heard him talk. And surprise surprise, guess who starts piping up without being called on? Michael. Barf. So annoying. Time to roll video of what we’ve already seen. This show is so borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring.
We relive things we’ve worked on repressing for months. Fantasy rape date attempt, DONAVON, Stephanie throwing rocks at Brian’s face, Michael’s constant badgering of Ben, Ben’s overall sliminess, James campaigning for Bachelor 2014, etc.
Blah blah blah blah blah.
On a side note – who ARE these people in the audience? The faces they make! Are they actors? There was some granny who looked soooo outraged. She was my favorite. Seriously, this was every other shot on my TV:
First in the hot seat was Ben. We watch the montage of Ben’s time on the Bachelorette. Despite my best efforts, I too make a horrified face when I relive the man-tank one more time. He’s the conversation Chris has with Ben:
- Chris: What’s with the tank, bro?
- Ben: It was my baby mama’s. She let me borrow it.
- Chris: Why did all the men hate you?
- Ben: Because I had a strong relationship with Des. She really liked my bro tank.
- Chris: You were so different around Des than the guys.
- Ben: I’m Christian. Don’t judge me.
- Chris: Huh?
- Ben: It’s about me and Des.
- Random dude who allegedly was on the show: I saw your baby mama in Vegas and she told me you cheated on your girlfriend and had Brody.
- Ben: Don’t talk about my baby mama. She’s going to be really mad. She’s already mad I stretched out her tank top.
Next up, James. Everyone is so annoying about the James situation. Am I the only one who doesn’t think James is some evil-doer, to use the words of George Dubya (you know, the “decider”). Here’s my take on Jamesgate. James went on a group date, thought he had a great connection with Des and did not get the rose. Expressing frustration to his friend Mikey, he said well if she likes someone like Brooks, he’s obviously not the right person for Des because Brooks and him could not be more different. He goes on to say well this might not work out but hey maybe I’ll be the next Bachelor. La-di-freaking-da. Who CARES! How can this be so offensive to people? How dare he act realistic! How dare he think about his future! James I offer you a made-up Irish proverb: may your boat always be plentiful with beautiful, tall, wealthy women.
Juan Pablo joins Chris in the hot seat. I’m not entirely sure why, other than 98% of the Bachelorette viewing audience finds Juan Pablo sexy. As one tweet said, “I’d Juan Pablo that.” There’s really nothing else to say.
On to broken-hearted Zak. Here’s the summary: tan face, white teeth, broken heart, was in love, wanted to get married, wrote a song, closure, smiles.
Des comes out. Her dress/ earrings/ shoes ensemble was just wrong wrong wrong. Zak sings Des a song. Was anyone else hoping that Des was going to proclaim Zak as the winner after his sweet serenade? Chris does not ask Des if she’s happy or if she’s found love. Doesn’t he always ask that? More horrified faces from the audience. More James bashing. More Juan Pablo-ing.
What a snooze-fest. Hopefully the fantasy suites will be more exciting than this nonsense (I’m hoping for another Ed moment next week).
Cue the Groans 