Tag Archives: chrisharrison

I love you TWO!

Jamaica, ooo I wanna take ya, to Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty momma!

Somewhere Amanda starts crying when she hears the reference to “momma.”  Don’t fear Amanda, you’re in a better place…than Caila.

Ben and his three remaining ladies head to Jamaica for some private sexy time, profuse overuse of the word “love,” and an endless supply of clothing that looks like it could fit an American Girl Doll (yet, somehow, these ladies shimmy their bodies into the tiniest garments known to man.)

Sorely missing is any reference to Jamaica getting a bobsled team.

I pose this question every season, and this season is no different: how would you feel getting the last overnight date?  So. Gross.

First One-on-One: Caila 

Caila (luckily) gets the least disgusting first overnight date.  As the theme of Jamaica is less is always most definitely more, Caila wears her shortest pair of jean shorts that show just enough butt cheek with her boldest croppiest sports bra.  When in Rome.

Ben takes Caila on a Huck Finn raft and the two of them float into a stream of complete silence.  The longer the silence lasts, the mores taciturn Caila becomes.  I find myself starting to break out in a cold sweat as I watch this uncomfortable scene unfold.  Someone get these two some alcohol.

And then, what do you know.  A little shanty (the original food truck) awaits them in the jungle.  The ABC producers give Ben and Caila a coconut full of rum to liven up this date.

At dinner Ben says yo Caila, why were you so weird today?  Caila, loquacious from her liquid courage, waxes on and on about who knows what and then finally says, “I love you.” Ben responds with his favorite words: french kissing.  Caila tells Ben she’s ready to take advantage of the fantasy suite.  It’s perfect because Ben is ready to take advantage of Caila.

Second One-on-One: Lauren 

It was a tough decision but Lauren wins the “most ill-fitting, way too small, why are you wearing your clothes from grade school,” award!  Congrats, Lauren!  Lauren’s crop-top, spaghetti-strap, SWEATER tank top sends the message, I’m mysterious and also very confused.  Her jean shorts that are so short and tight causing poor Lauren to waddle, send the message, I’m down for a wild time, even if it hurts.

Ben takes Lauren to release a sea turtle nest into the ocean.  I can’t tell you how many times in my childhood my mom had us on the side of the road frantically trying to rescue turtles.  You think that’s a joke. But it’s not.  I can only hope their efforts were more successful than ours.

As if the jean shorts and sweater crop-top tank weren’t bad enough, Lauren decides to dress like a salmon for dinner, wearing a crop top/ pencil skirt combo made of spandex from the Charlotte Russe “Working The Vegas Strip” collection.  Size XXS.

Lauren forgoes her individual room key in hopes of fornicating with Ben.  When they make their way back to the fantasy suite (sponsored by Sandals), Lauren tells Ben she is in love with him and also, like, she can’t believe how lucky she is.  Ben breaks all rules and does the one thing he’s forbidden from doing on this show– he tells Lauren he loves her too.

The morning after, Lauren keeps saying Ben’s her person.  No it’s LOBSTER.  Come on.  Watch an episode of Friends!

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Third One-on-One Date: JoJo

JoJo greets Ben with her signature jump and straddle.  I envision if I greeted my husband like that,  I would flatten him like a pancake.

The pair helicopter to some hidden waterfalls.  I can only think that it reminds me of Gooseberry Falls in Minnesota.  Minnesota: just as exotic as Jamaica.  Our new slogan.

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Minnesota, as sexy as Jamaica.  Even our accents. You betcha. 

JoJo says she’s never seen anything like this before.  Come to Minnesota, JoJo.  We have waterfalls up the uff-da. To celebrate, Ben and JoJo go skinny dipping.  Actually wait.  JoJo is wearing a bathing suit, it’s just flesh-colored and very very similar looking to underwear.

Even after seeing Ben’s awful oblique tattoo, JoJo decides to spring the “I love you,” words on Ben.  Much to JoJo’s complete shock, Ben replies, “I love you too.”  Somewhere, ABC producers hoot and holler with glee.  They’ve got Ben, the three remaining women, and millions of women sitting at home sipping chardonnay from a box, right where they want them.

JoJo is legit flummoxed.  She could have sworn the producers told her he was in love with Lauren.  Oh well, she reasons, guess they were wrong!

During the dinner portion of their date, I got distracted and started researching how to make cheese at home. In case you are wondering, it sounds difficult.

Back to the Bachelor.  There is discussion about the creepy brothers, but JoJo just chalks it up to the bros being protective older siblings.  Bros will be bros.  She says they will love him eventually; Ben is unsure if he will love them eventually.  But alas, forget the brothers, it’s time to consummate this love in the fantasy suite. For the third night in a row. With a different woman each night. Ick.

The Morning After

Ben wakes up and realizes that since he told two women he loves them, he has to keep them around for at least another week.  That means Caila needs to go.

In classic Bachelor fashion, right when Ben comes to this realization, Caila shows up at Ben’s patio.  10 bucks says the ABC producers told Caila Ben really wants to see you, you should totally go surprise him!

Caila wears her cutest pastel tie dye sports bra for her big Ben surprise.  I feel like getting dumped while wearing a sports bra is worse than getting dumped in regular clothes. Caila senses something is wrong and she’s right.  Ben apparently enjoyed the sex with the other two a little more.   All I can think is Caila has the most perfect little body!  I must hit the gym when I’m done eating cookies and reading how to make cheese. Caila handles the situation as well as possible – I have no doubt Caila will go on to great things.  At the very least, hair commercials.

At the rose ceremony, Lauren smugly tells JoJo she’s not nervous, especially after seeing JoJo’s dress that looks like it belongs on an episode of Saved by the Bell.  Both women falsely believe they’ve got this in the bag.  Ben appears and tells the women, the three of us are going to be so happy together!

 

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You’re Not Going to Get Hurt, You’re Beautiful

A mere two weeks ago, I looked at my television screen, unable to recognize some of the contestants still vying for Ben’s affection.  And now, here we are, with only four women remaining, eager to reintroduce themselves to their families as the future Mrs. Higgins.  I’d be willing to bet my life that none of the women remaining can name the literary reference.

First Hometown: Amanda 

Ben heads to Laguna Beach in hopes of spotting LC, Kristen, Steven and Talan to meet Amanda’s two babies. Ben finds Amanda frolicking on the beach in some shorts she borrowed from her two year old daughter, and a shirt (a word I use in the loosest way possible) that is missing essential elements such as a back, support, structure, and straps. The shirt threatens to expose her womanhood with every step she takes towards Ben.  The ABC staff is on standby with double-sided tape and a black box.  Right as I’m about to be horrified by Amanda’s shirt with wings, I see Ben’s shorts (?) that look like they were pasted on.  Boxer-briefs are so the new shorts.

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photo source

As the photo illustrates, the absurd outfits extended to the toddlers too.  Gladiator sandals at the beach, on babies = totally practical.

The family of four spend the day idyllically running around on the beach.  But, like all good things, they must come to an end.  And they come to an end quickly during the car ride home.  The ABC producers sit in the back of car with the two little girls and pepper them with questions about their dad’s lack of involvement and their mother’s failed marriage.  As the girls cry the duration of the car ride home, Amanda looks like she needs a Xanax.  She secretly curses the girls for acting their age as she tries to secure them a new daddy.  Ben reminds himself over and over again that next week is the fantasy suite date.  He can do this.

Back at Amanda’s house, Ben meets Amanda’s parents and sister.  Amanda ditches the littlest one in her crib as soon as possible.  Ben wonders if it’s acceptable to have a beer. Amanda’s fam asks Ben the expected questions, like can you be a dad, blah blah blah.  They are all very nice people.  And the answer is no, Ben is not ready for this.

To end the hometown date, ABC exploits the situation just a tad more by making Ben read a fairytale to the children about his relationship with their mother.  Way to secure these children therapy for the next 25 years.

Second Hometown Date: Lauren

Ben travels to Portland next to visit Lauren B.  Ben, as an aspiring hipster, is thrilled with the opportunity to visit such a hip city.  Lauren does everything right: she takes him to the trendy part of town where they gorge on food truck delectables, including grilled cheese, which Lauren B pretends is a regular part of her diet; they hit up the coziest, coolest whiskey library (which Lauren improperly pronounces as “libary” like one of Amanda’s children); and last but not least, Lauren’s date does not include any screaming children.  Lauren is winning.

When they are appropriately boozed up, Lauren and Ben head to Lauren’s house to meet her father-clone, mother, sister, two little brothers, and 18 year old dog (adorable).  They look like they just stepped out of a Vineyard Vine’s photo-shoot.    Lauren’s family calls her LoLo. Just leaving that out there.

LoLo’s sister takes the first opportunity to nab Ben and grill him about their relationship.

  • LoLo’s sister: LoLo is smart, beautiful, funny, hardworking, super skinny, bottled blonde, etc.  A million guys could easily fall in love with her.  Why do you think she’s so special?
  • Ben: Um.  For all the reasons you just said?
  • LoLo’s sister: Um hm.
  • Ben: I don’t know.  [starts crying].

LoLo’s sister wants to hear straight from the horse’s mouth, what said horse is thinking.  And no I’m not calling Lauren a horse.  It was a cliche gone wrong.  LoLo tells sister, “I feel like Ben is my person.” Dear god, LoLo, please refrain from quoting Gray’s Anatomy.  K, thanks.

Dad tells Lauren, “I don’t want my baby LoLo hurt.”  I throw up a little in my mouth.

Third Hometown Date: Caila 

Ben meets Caila in her current hometown, Hudson, Ohio.  It’s a slice of sweet midwestern charm.  Caila takes Ben to a swinging bench to make out and fulfill her high school wishes. Ben happily obliges.

When Caila’s lips get chapped, she takes Ben to her father’s toy company where they design their own house.  When the designing is done, they actually build the house in the factory.  It’s adorable.  Also, Caila, free legal advice: make sure you get a prenup.  As Ben carries Caila out of the factory, Caila says she knows Ben is the one.  She knows she is going to marry Ben.  Hope you just knocked on wood, girlfriend.

Back at home, Ben meets Caila’s adorable mother (you rock those braces, momma!), CEO dad, and younger brother.  They are such a sweet family.  Also, I would kill for homemade Filipino food.

Caila’s mom steals Ben away to get to know him.  I can’t get over her youthful glow.  She has no wrinkles.  Ben should definitely procreate with Caila–their children will be beautiful! Meanwhile, Caila tearfully tells her dad that she knows, “this is it.”  Caila’s dad tries to stifle his laughter.  “Sweety,” he says in a tone which translates to get a grip, you are better than this.  Caila tells her dad we all make mistakes, just like you and those orange pants.

Caila’s mom has a totally different reaction to the news of Caila’s recently discovered love.  She instructs Caila to jump on Ben and tell him how you feel.  Like all the ladies before, Caila chickens out and can’t get the words, “I love you,” out of her mouth.

Fourth Hometown Date: JoJo

The first three days were so normal. ABC had to do something to spruce up this episode with the last hometown date.  They pull out all the stops – a reconsidering, desperate ex-boyfriend, drunk possessive brothers who verbally abuse Ben, and a mom who drinks straight from the bottle.  Let’s dive right in.

In Dallas, JoJo arrives at her apartment to find flowers outside her door.  Aw, she muses, my sweet Ben is so thoughtful!  She starts reading the accompanying love-letter, feeling her love for Ben grow.  The note references the fact that JoJo has been gone for 39 days.

Wait. Hit the breaks. These people have only been on this show for 39 days and yet, YET, they are actually contemplating MARRIAGE.  Pump. The. Breaks. Someone. PLEASE.

It takes JoJo reading at least half the letter before she realizes it is from the evil Stephano (Legally Blonde anyone?), I mean Chad.  JoJo recoils in horror, “no!”  But yes, JoJo.  This is all part of ABC’s plan.  They get JoJo right where they want her- crying, emotional and dialing her ex Chad.   Chad keeps up his end of the bargain, answers her call, and pretends to be interested in her.  It’s the easiest $500 Chad has ever made.

JoJo fanatically hangs up the ABC iPhone when Ben pulls up to her house.  At first Ben thinks JoJo is crying at the sight of him, but soon realizes that makes no sense.  JoJo fills Ben in on the drama.  Ben looks annoyed.  JoJo pretends like she’s done with Chad.  10 bucks says Chad and JoJo are back together at this very moment.

As though this drama wasn’t enough, ABC has agreed to pay JoJo’s brothers to treat Ben like total dirt.  Bring it on!

Ben and JoJo roll up to JoJo’s mansion, which I assume JoJo’s mom’s botched plastic surgery medical malpractice suit paid for.

Ok. Guys.  What in the world. JoJo’s brother Matt basically tries to make out with JoJo upon her entrance into the house.  She can’t get him off of her.  It’s really bizarre and creepy.  JoJo’s other brother, Ben, is her step-brother, and appeared on his own dating reality tv show “Ready for Love,” not that I watched the entire canceled show or anything. He also appears to be in love with JoJo.

JoJo and her mom retreat to one of the 22 bedrooms to have a conversation about JoJo’s feelings for Ben.  It becomes very obvious that the mom has no idea what this show is about, how it works, or how to register emotions properly anymore. JoJo tells her mom she’s falling in love with Ben.  “I just don’t want to get hurt,” says JoJo. Mom replies, “you’re not going to get hurt, you’re beautiful!”  Let’s take a moment and dissect that.  In the legal world, we call that a non-sequitor.  It does not follow, lady.  “But mom, there are three other girls involved.”  Oh, says mom, completely clueless.

Before I can even say Chris Harrison, the whole family unravels and I feel like I’m watching a scene from the Godfather.

Brother Ben walks into the kitchen and accuses Bachelor Ben of brainwashing the women. Apparently JoJo is incapable of thinking or feeling for herself?  There is no way she can have any emotional investment in Ben unless he brainwashed her? But no sooner can I answer these pressing questions when mom picks up a champagne bottle and DRINKS STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE.

That actually happened.

Dad leans over to Mom and gently reminds her the cameras are rolling and they have plenty of available expensive stemware.

Brother Matt accuses Ben of coached answers and basically calls him a phony.  Is this dude for real?  The mom tries to defend Ben by saying JoJo has been holding back, and Matt tells his mother, “you need to take a step back.”  To your own mother??  Apparently no women in the house are allowed to have opinions.

And yet, JoJo stays.  I assume it’s because of her red dress and sparkly earrings (which I must have).  At the rose ceremony in LA, Ben sends home pint-sized mom, Amanda.  I feel for her – she handles the rejection like the sweet lady she is.  I have no doubt that Amanda will do alright in this world.  But why keep JoJo??! What do you guys think?  Was anyone else disturbed by JoJo’s bros? Are they in love with her?  Were they drunk?  Did they just want to have a little fun?  Is Chad in on this!?

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Why Did You Do that?

I have failed you, my friends.  On probably the most entertaining episode so far this season, I did not provide an update.  Life got the best of me (namely, dog sitting for my parents, bringing the total number of pets in my 1300 square foot home to a whopping FOUR, for two weeks).  Ben finally came to his senses and told the producers he wasn’t going to be a puppet in their game any longer – Olivia needed to go.  The producers agreed he could cut her loose but only on an island with hurricanic winds and no viable plan to bring Olivia back to safe shores.  I can only assume that somewhere in the Bahamas, Olivia has found her Wilson and hopefully learned how to build a fire.

On to this week.  Ben decided it was time to bring his remaining ladies back to his hometown: Warsaw, Indiana.

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Becca is nervous she’ll need to find Indiana on a map upon demand.  She thinks it’s somewhere near Nebraska or Kansas.  The Twin has never been anywhere with temperatures less than 60 degrees.  My mind wanders to the Warsaw Pact and I contemplate if any of these women can name a single treaty.

Warsaw looks, surprisingly, like a lovely town.  It’s beautiful and quaint.  Serve up Ben with a side of Apple Pie and it looks like a scene in my 4th grade social studies book.  Hashtag americana.

Ben meets his parents at the local greasy spoon.  Um.  Ben’s dad is a hottie. Hey there, silver fox! Ben tells his parents he’s falling in love.  His mom tries to wipe the horrified look off her face.  Is Ben an only child?  Anyone?  Bueller?

Later, Ben picks up the ladies in a pontoon boat and I’m officially on board with Ben.  Anyone with a boat has me sold.

First One-on-One Date: Lauren B

I think we are finally down to one Lauren, which means I can stop pretending to know who the other Lauren is or what her last name initial is.  Ben tells the story of his first kiss, which happened in 7th grade.  I was still playing with Barbies in 7th grade.  I’m not sure which one of us is the normal one. And if that didn’t convince you, surely this will:

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Really appealing. Who knew I was such a patriot!

You are welcome for that.  Don’t act like you didn’t have an awkward phase.

Ben takes Lauren on a tour of Warsaw, which includes an after school program center where Ben used to work, I assume 10 years ago. Ben and Lauren play with the kids.  Lauren says she fits in well with the kids because she’s the same size as them and only a few years older.  Some members from the Indiana Pacer’s show up to play with the kids.  I think that’s some sort of pro basketball team.  Lauren giggles like a school girl as she tries to play with Paul George’s balls.  I mean basketball.  Ben is irritated that the Pacer’s sent their most attractive player.

Later, Ben takes Lauren to his local dive bar to meet his friends.  Interestingly enough, Farmer Chris took his winner, Whitney, to the bar to meet his friends too.  Coincidence?

Second One-on-One Date: JoJo

JoJo and Ben are heading to the windy city for, I hope, some strolling and shopping on Michigan Ave followed by drinks on the top level of the John Hancock.  Or, in the alternative, a boat architecture tour and a stop at Navy Pier.  Or hit up some of the fantastic museums and see a show.

But no.  Instead, they spend the entire day AND NIGHT at Wrigley.  Look.  I get it.  Wrigley is cool and historic and BLAH BLAH BLAH.  But come on. They weren’t even at a game!  They were just at Wrigley.  Doing nothing.

It’s official.  JoJo’s first trip to Chicago was a total waste. They play baseball, they make out and that’s about it. Zzz.

Group Date: Caila, Becca, Mom

Ben takes the girls to some remote area to row boats and fly kites.  Does anyone else not like flying kites?  I like watching them but I’ve never successfully launched my kite.  Mom agrees and hopes there is more to the date than flying kites. Be careful what you wish for.

Becca pulls Ben aside and tells him “just don’t blindside me.”  Consider yourself forewarned, Bachelor viewers.

The group date is over faster than you can say Chris Harrison.  Mom gets the group date rose and gets to continue her romantic evening  at McDonalds.  She’s hoping she can at least supersize things, or else this is nothing but a total waste.  She can’t believe she’s starved herself for weeks only to have to force down an Egg McMuffin on national TV.

We get it McDonalds.  You sponsor the Bachelor.  Now give me free fries for life and I’ll sing you nothing but high praises.

Ben tells Amanda he brought the girls to Warsaw because he wanted them to experience the normal things he does, such as going to McDonalds. And apparently, working at McDonalds.  Dear god.  This is so stupid.  And that’s coming from someone who eats McDonalds more often than I care to admit.

There was slight redemption when Ben took Amanda to the local carnival.  Ten bucks says it was this same location where Ben smooched his first girl in 7th grade. As Amanda sits at the top of the Ferris Wheel, making out with Ben, she says that she feels like the luckiest girl in the world right now.  A carny could make you feel that way every day for the rest of your life. Just throwing that out there.

Third One-on-One Date: Twin 

Emily gets the last coveted one-on-one date. Ben takes Emily in his pontoon boat, where she verifies that the birds she sees in the water, are in fact, swans.

As a fun surprise, Ben takes Emily to his house to meet his parents.  Emily, totally freaked, wishes she would have worn jeans that exposed less of her knee caps and thighs.

Emily tells the camera she’s really nervous.  She says talking to people makes her really anxious and she doesn’t want to make an idiot of herself.  Ben’s mom pulls Emily aside for some private conversation and what comes out of Emily’s mouth is pure word diarrhea.

  • Emily: So I’m one of the youngest ones here. And like I’m 23 and I don’t know, it’s just been,  I don’t know, kind of hard and I know I’m young and I don’t travel a lot but this has been really hard but I have really blossomed and grown and I didn’t know I would turn into this woman. I am young and there is um so much that I want to do and I have so many dreams and I’ve dreamed of being a NFL cheerleader for as long as I can remember.  And so, yeah, the Denver Broncos.
  • Mom: Horrified face.  Fights back tears.
  • Emily: So it’s just your son and he makes me feel ready and not scared.  I’ve always wanted to get married young and have kids young.  I’ve been average my entire life but I feel like I’ll be an above average wife and mother.

Meanwhile, Ben’s dad calls Emily “very attractive,” and “very young.”  Emily has some alone time with Ben’s dad and tells him that she loves movies and if she could sit around all day, she would watch movies.  And she hates vegetables.

With one rip in her pants too many, her lack of nutritious eating, and her desire to watch movies all day (she’s basically me), Emily pounds the final nail into her proverbial coffin. Poor Em.  She’s such a sweet girl.  And yes, she’s young, and yes, she rambled a bit, but I wouldn’t call her immature.  Maybe slightly naive.  But simply because she wants to be an NFL cheerleader and dyes her hair very very blonde, doesn’t make Emily less deserving of Ben’s love than the next girl.  Maybe she isn’t right for Warsaw, Indiana, but there is definitely some one out there who will love Emily and her twin, exactly as they are.  Maybe even Paul George.  Paul George, you available for my girl Em?

Emily handles the dumping with grace and dignity.  I’m left annoyed by the ABC producers.  Do you really think Ben was considering marrying Emily?  Was this entire date designed to embarrass her?  Was he really just unsure?  What do you guys think?

Ben skips the cocktail party and hands out roses to JoJo, Lauren and Caila.  Becca, looking livid, whispers into Ben’s ear, “why did you do that,”  as though Becca, despite already being on this dumb show once, does not understand the show’s premise.  Apparently she thought threatening him with “don’t blindside me,” meant she couldn’t be eliminated the same way EVERY GIRL gets eliminated.  Now please Becca, don’t come back.  Bye.

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Dragon Breath

The ladies grab their sarongs, sombreros, and string bikinis and head to Mexico City. Ben is confident that with just enough tequila and lime, he can find the woman he’s supposed to marry.  He does not specify if that woman is among the hand selected ABC group, or if he will find his own local mamacita.

The girls arrive at the Four Seasons and Olivia is most excited that she has a bidet.  So many jokes I could make about that, but alas, they are too crass.

One-on-One – Amanda: Let’s Put All Our Eggs in One Basket

Olivia is outraged that Ben would chose her for a one-on-one date.  Doesn’t he know she has… CHILDREN?  The way she says it makes it seem like Amanda has some sort of communicable disease.  Olivia knows children are not what Ben wants.  Um. Really?  Moving on.

Ben decides to surprise the women at 4:30 AM in the hotel room to catch a glimpse of the women in their natural state.  I would have a look of pure hostility on my face.  Nothing makes me more upset than people waking me up.  I wouldn’t even care about the zit cream on my face or the rancid, stagnant toot/ bad breath air (don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about).  I would just be so annoyed with Ben’s perky personality.  Note to husband – nothing makes me dislike you more than when you pop up like a piece of toast and expect me to join suit.  The teacher wears a retainer (totally me), Olivia is unrecognizable and has dragon breath, and Amanda pops out of bed with a face full of flawless makeup and perfectly curled hair.  Right.

Ben takes Amanda and her tiny little voice and bare shoulders on a hot air balloon ride.  I spent the entire date wondering if Amanda’s roots were intentional?  Is that a look?

After the ballon ride, Amanda tells Ben about how her husband was up to no good on his cell phone with other women.  You know what’s ironic?  All these women telling Ben about how their past boyfriends and relationships ended after their partner was unfaithful.  And yet, now they are on the Bachelor…a show that is premised on a dude dating 25 women at the SAME TIME.  Amanda gets the rose.

Group Date

There are seriously some women I’ve never seen before on this date.  Leah?  Who the heck are you!?

The group takes a spanish lesson, which I would bomb. I can’t tell you how frequently I practice trying to roll my Rs with zero success.  One time I rolled my Rs in my sleep and it was glorious.  When Spanish class is over, the girls split into teams of two to go grocery shopping for a cooking contest.  In Mexico they say if you know how to cook, you are ready to get married.

Hey Mexico, the 1950’s called.  They want their motto back.

At the after party, Jubilee starts to slowly deteriorate.  She can’t handle the group date, she’s tired of watching Ben hold hands with other women, she doesn’t have an outgoing personality, Lauren B stole her all white outfit and Olivia’s dragon breath is slowly inducing unconsciousness.

Speaking of Lauren B, while Jubilee starts to have a mental health breakdown, Ben whisks Lauren into the streets of Mexico to make out with her.  When Ben returns, Ben decides it’s time to talk with Jubilee.  He reaches out to take her hand and she rebuffs his attempts.  Probably because you have another woman’s lipstick all over your face.  Just a thought.

The handholding rejection, and general puss-face during group dates, leads Ben to the conclusion that Jubilee will not, in fact, be his wifey.  He makes her leave immediately.  And yet, Dragon Breath remains. Ben rejoins the group and tells them the following: “so um yeah.  Jubilee was someone who I found incredibly intriguing when I first met her.  But now I don’t.  Because she wouldn’t hold my hand in front of your guys.  And that threatened my manhood.  And even though we’re in Mexico and she won the cooking contest and therefore, she’s wife material, she doesn’t like group dates and if my wife doesn’t like it when I date other women, then I don’t want that sort of wife.  Got it?  If I want to date in groups, I’m going to date in groups and my wife better be ok with that.”

The remaining girls all reassure Ben that they are totally fine with him dating as many women as he wants. Dragon Breath got the group date rose.

Second One-on-One Date: Lauren (Kindergarten teacher)

Ben takes Lauren to a fashion show during Mexico City’s fashion week because nothing screams fashion like a kindergarten teacher from Michigan. Miranda Priestly shows up to deliver the news to Lauren that she and Ben will be walking in the fashion show.  They actually manage to do a pretty good job!

At dinner, Lauren tells Ben, wait for it…all about how her ex boyfriend cheated on her.  Is that a new prerequisite for the show?  Bachelor application:

  • Must be willing to show 90% of your skin, regardless of weather conditions
  • Must be willing to make out with Bachelor upon demand, even after Dragon Breath
  • Must be emotionally damaged, including but not limited to the following damaging situations:
    • been cheated on
    • been abused
    • family tragedy
    • used to be fat but then became anorexic
  • Must have body mass index of less than 16
  • Must be less than 25 years of age but older than 20.
  • Must be unemployed or have a job that no self-sufficient woman over the age of 25 would ever dream of having (again, anyone over 25 need not apply)
  • Must fit into shorts you bought in the 6th grade, which really, was not that long ago
  • Must have access to hair extensions, fake eye lashes, and a curling iron
  • Must be willing to say “I do” upon ABC’s demand
  • Must like gaudy rings

Lauren gets the rose.

At the cocktail party, to quote 10 Things I Hate About You, one of the best movies EVER, the shit has hitteth the fan.  While discussing her issues with her ex-husband’s lack of parenting, Olivia tells Amanda it feels like an episode of Teen Mom.

Oh girl.  No you didn’t.  The remaining twin is fed up.  She decides it’s time to pull the blindfold off Ben’s face and tell him all about Dragon Breath’s real personality.

  • Twin: SHE SUCKS.
  • Ben: For real? But she has such a big mouth.
  • Twin: She disrespects me so much.  I’m really upset.
  • Ben: I really appreciate you telling me this.  Between you and me, the ABC producers keep shoving her down my throat.  You too, but that’s a conversation we can have another time.

Right as Ben is about to start handing out roses, Ben asks to speak privately with Olivia.

DUN DUN DUN.

And the show ends.  Will she stay or will she go?!?!

 

 

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But She Does Have Fat Toes

You know those times when you are just about to settle in to watch the Bachelor and suddenly your husband comes home and tells you your parent’s SUV, the one you borrowed 6 months ago, is no longer parked on the street? And then the police have to come RIGHT AS THE SHOW IS ABOUT TO START?  Don’t you hate when that happens?

I do.

Not that it happened to me last week.  Nope.  No way. The reason I missed the first 30 minutes of the Bach this week had absolutely nothing to do with the scenario I described above.  Just in case you’re wondering – people don’t like it when you leave a car on the street for weeks and/or months at a time.  Just a friendly PSA.  You know…not that I know or anything.

Can you believe it’s already week 3 at the mansion?  Doesn’t that mean the Bachelor is like 3 weeks away from picking his wife???  Does this mean that Ben and his entourage of 21 year olds will hit the road soon?  Bring your IDs, young ladies!

The show starts with the Mom and the Flight Attendant discussing Olivia.  I actually replayed this four times.  Mom tells Flight Attendant that Olivia spent $40,000 on clothes for the show.

FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS ON CLOTHES????? And my husband thinks I shop too much? Here’s what I could buy with 40K.

  • a luxury vehicle (which I promise to not get towed.  Kidding.  I can’t make that promise.  Parking enforcement around these parts makes that darn near impossible).
  • a new kitchen AND a new bathroom
  • like 30,000 chocolate milk shakes
  • new underwear for years
  • all the SmartWool products EVER
  • a partridge in a pear tree

Chris comes to the mansion to scope out any prospects for himself deliver the news about this week’s dates.  There will be two one-on-one dates and one group date.  Collective OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOs ensue.

Lauren B – The Sky’s The Limit

Who is Lauren B?  The flight attendant – thus the corny sky joke.  Lauren B puts on her spaghetti tank top that conveniently has sleeves so she’s prepared for all types of weather.

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(photo source – http://www.tvjelly.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Screen-Shot-2016-01-19-at-9.56.40-AM.png)

They pull up to a small local airport and the flight attendant, I REPEAT, the flight attendant, is scared to go flying.  Come on.  Basically, the producers kept telling her we’re going to need for you to act super nervous. Act like you’ve never flown before.  Ben can’t remember what you do for a living anyway.

The flight attendant has never seen a plane like this before.  But you have seen Snoopy before…right?  Flying Ace? Or that war we called the Second World War?  Better known as World War II?  No? Not familiar?

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(photo source – https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/5f/49/c9/5f49c96c4c71250bd4685869fd959708.jpg)

The pilot is forced to listen to their cheesy conversation and watch them make out.  The producers have Sky Thrill fly over the mansion, because, of course.  The girls CAN’T EVEN.  THIS TOTALLY SUCKS.

The plane drops them off in the middle of nowhere next to the circle of life tree, as seen on the Lion King.  Also waiting for them is a hot tub.  Lauren is instructed to change behind the tree.  Seriously. Lauren comes out in her tiny bikini and I immediately regret my decision to eat an entire pot of macaroni and cheese.

Side note – did you know someone is still on this show whose employment lists “umemployed” ???  Why is that person still here!  Are there no standards?  Oh.  My mistake.

Back on the date with Lauren, Ben calls her a girl like 50 times in a row.  Ben. Ben. Ben.  She’s a woman.  Ben shares a story about how his dad has heart problems.  Lauren shares a story that she had a perfect life and wants to procreate and make more perfect lives.

Very dramatic piano music plays while Ben gives Lauren the date rose.  All I can picture is the main guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall playing the score for the Bachelor.

Finally, because this show does the same stupid things over and over again, Ben takes Lauren to see some random concert. Of course the lyrics totally speak to Ben.

Group Date: Love is the Goal 

Enough girls head out on a date with Ben that they can form TWO soccer teams.  Two profesh soccer players come out, and of course, the girls like totally know these amazing players.  Liars.

The stakes are high for this date: the losing team will head back to the mansion reeking of pathetic defeat, will receive care for any concussions they have suffered, and will lose precious moments to bond with Ben, thus limiting their chances of securing the Neil Lane.  The winning team, sweating with nothing but victory and a subtle rose scent, will join Ben for a booze infused evening where there is sure to be drama, spit swapping, and ample opportunity to backstab.  Whatever it takes to find your man. May the best twin win.  Yes, the twins are separated.

The teams are divided by stars and stripes.  The stripes look like they just escaped the local penitentiary.  Perhaps some did.  AHHHEMMM Olivia.

Unemployed girl gets injured and Olivia seizes the opportunity to score against the girl whose leg needs to be amputated.  She will stop at nothing.

Oliva continues her aggression at the cocktail party; she’s embraced Sarah Palin’s philosophy- pit bull with lipstick.  Ben is mid sentence when Olivia steals him away from the group.  The women take this opportunity to talk about Olivia behind her back (also the only reason we watch this dumb show)

  • Twin: She’s like, just so like, aggressive.
  • Amber: But she does have fat toes.  I’ve noticed. (VERBATIM QUOTE!)
  • Twin: (privately) They were making fun of her toes.  Toes should not matter.  But she has terrible breath. I wonder if he’s smelling what I smell.

Jami, who I always want to call Jammy but is really called Jamie, is not going to let these biotches talk about her friend’s toes like that.  But rather than stand up to them, she decides to just tell Olivia about the toe smack.

  • Jami: They started picking apart your appearances.
  • Olivia: (looking indignant, but all knowing) Let me guess. My calves.
  • Jami: No.
  • Olivia: MY CANKLES?
  • Jame: No. Your toes.  Your toes like aren’t cute.
  • Olivia: (looking shocked.  She had considered her calves and her cankles as her only flaw – nobody had ever mentioned her toes.)  My toes?!

Olivia tells the camera she knows she has bad toes. She hates her toes.

Date rose goes to Bachelor repeat, Amber.

Second One on One Date: Jubilee 

Ben shows up for the date 20 minutes late and Jubilee teases Ben about it.  Then she makes a joke about not being excited.  The girls see this as no laughing matter.  No jokes can be made in the presence of the Bachelor. This could be your husband.  Do not be aco-taco.

Jubilee, terrified of heights, asks the girls as Ben makes her board a helicopter, if someone else wants to go on the date, thus sealing her fate as the most hated woman in the house. Olivia might have fat toes and a mean personality but her status as most hated is revoked when Jubilee shows anxiety over heights.  HOW DARE SHE!  Doesn’t she know that if Ben wants to march her straight into an anxiety attack or to her death, she should do so not only with open arms but a coquettish smile on her face and just the right amount of exposed midriff too? Doesn’t she know that?!

Good luck getting the target off your back, Jub.

Amber is livid.  Ben just planned (um wrong) her an amazing date and she is not grateful enough.

The heli flies them to a mansion.  We learn Jubilee does not like caviar but loves hot dogs. With you girl.  We also learn that Ben wants all dates to include a hot tub.

Personally, I love Jubilee and I’m really happy she got the rose.

But the girls back at the house? Not so much. It’s gang up on Jubilee night at the cocktail party and leading the charge is Amber.  Get a life, Amber.

Before Amber can start her crusade against Jubilee, Ben comes in with an announcement that his good family friends have died.  Olivia sees this as the perfect opportunity to tell Ben about her insecurities: her cankles. She starts to cry about people who blog about her cankles.  Ben is irritated that Olivia wants to talk about her fat ankles at this moment.

Jubilee takes a different approach and massages Ben because she knows it’s his favorite thing.  Amber is livid. She basically chases Jubilee around and forces her to try to hide in the bathroom, but she doesn’t respect that boundary either.  Amber verbally assaults Jubilee. I wish Ben would have taken the rose away from Amber and sent her home.  FYI, Ben is never going to pick you.  Go back to making rum and cokes and leave us alone.

In the most insightful moment this season, Lace decides to send herself home because Lace needs to work on herself.  She’s not living up to her tattoo: you can’t love someone else until you truly love yourself.  Half of me is horrified that she had to get a tattoo to remind herself of that and also horrified that she is disappointed in herself for not listening to her tattoo, but the other half of me is really proud that she recognizes her issues and wants to work on them.  My next tattoo suggestion for you is “the first step is admitting you have a problem.”

Till tomorrow!

 

 

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Sour

I was away this weekend and as such I didn’t have five hours to dedicate to rewatching this riveting episode of the Bachelor while simultaneously composing a blog post that is both witty and blithe yet to all of our horror, truthful with a touch of hyperbole (but sadly, not much because, well, the girls speak for themselves).

But let’s be honest.  We all watch this dumb show just so we can sit around talking about how ridiculous the whole thing is.  I wouldn’t want to disappoint you by not recapping at all because that would be no fun.  So let’s take a moment and talk about what we learned during week two at the mansion.

Lesson No. One:  It’s Never Ok to Talk About Yourself in the Third Person.  Also STOP CALLING YOURSELF CRAZY. K THANKS.

Lace is nursing a serious hangover.  She wonders if Ben saw her stab her Ben voodoo doll over and over again in the eyes during the rose ceremony.  She vows not to drink until at least 2 PM.  She is determined to let Ben know she’s NOT CRAZY.  Repeat.  LACE IS NOT CRAZY. Here’s the convo she had with herself:

  • Lace: Lace got a little too drunk that night.  That was not Lace.  Lace is not crazy.
  • Lace: I am going to show Ben that Lace is not crazy.  Lace is wondering if Ben thinks Lace is crazy.
  • Lace: These b*tches can suck it.
  • Lace: Do you even notice me? Do you know I’m here? HELLO?
  • Lace: Ben didn’t get to know the real Lace.  He saw a different Lace.  He saw a side of Lace I didn’t want to come out.
  • Lace: Lace is never getting enough time with Ben.  Lace is so sad she’s letting her crazy show.
  • Lace: We’re making eye contact galore.  We’re almost EYE BEEPING.  (She actually said this.  These words).

Lesson No. Two: Olivia Has the World’s Biggest Mouth.  Literally.  And Probably Figuratively. 

Olivia is riding high on her first impression rose.  Hastag MrsHiggins.  I’ve got a hashtag for you: iveneverseensuchahugemouthbeforeinmylifeanditsalwaysopenmrshiggins.

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http://www.bustle.com/articles/134966-olivia-caridis-mouth-inspires-hilarious-bachelor-memes-that-will-make-your-whole-night

Olivia is this season’s mean girl.  She thinks her shit don’t stink (sadly the Bachelor basically says so much too – more on that later).

Lesson Three: Maybe Consult a Map and Locate the State of Indiana Before You Sign Up for The Bachelor and Date a Hoosier.  ALSO WHY DON’T YOU KNOW WHERE THE STATE OF INDIANA IS ON A MAP.  UGH.  Or Chicago?????

I’m looking at you, Becca.  Yikes.  Instead of hopping from season to season on the Bachelor, why don’t you learn some geography. And other things you should have learned in fourth grade.  Just a thought.  The group date this week features the girls going back to school.  Some of the school lessons included making Ben’s volcano explode (that was science, not sex ed), bobbing for apples, placing Indiana on a map, basketball, and jumping some hurdles.  The Dentist won the school competition (as she should have since she’s the most educated person there) and she was crowned homecoming queen.  Ben tries to hide his disappointment that the person he least wanted to be his queen was the winner.  Oh well, think of it like a romcom, Ben.

Lesson Four: Never. EVER. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DESCRIBE A WOMAN’S SCENT AS BEING SOUR. 

I didn’t know we’d need a lesson on this but inevitably, we do. On the second group date where Olivia’s giant mouth dominates her competition, Ben is forced to breathe in the ovaries of the women after they’ve worked up a sweat.  He describes all of them using words like, floral, sweet, fruity but then he got to Samantha.  And the words he can never take back came out of his mouth.  Sour.  He says Sam smells SOUR.

I. would. have. died.

Like for real.  I would have crawled into Olivia’s mouth and died.

Lesson Five: Kevin Hart Hot Tubs Nude. 

That is all.

 

 

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Thank God He’s a Country Boy

Five words.  It only takes five magic words to send my heart aflutter:  “this season on the Bachelor.”

Prepare yourself.  In just two short days, we will hear those sweet sweet words uttered from the Almighty Chris Harrison.  I usually get dressed in my fanciest rose ceremony clothes, grab a giant rose, put on a giant light-up Neil Lane ring, and practice my “I accept this rose” face.

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Adding to my excitement, beyond the obvious drunken people making fools of themselves, women crying over a man they just met and probably don’t really like, and the over the top ridiculous “dates,” I am excited to get to know our new Bachelor, Farmer Chris.  Hey ABC execs, I sincerely hope that Monday’s season premiere starts with this:

You’re welcome. In the alternative, I suggest just playing the entire soundtrack to Oklahoma! It seems fitting.

I really enjoyed our country boy on Andi’s season. He seemed like such a nice “aw-shucks,” kind of guy.  Wouldn’t hurt a fly.  But oh how the mighty have fallen.

Over Christmas, I was with an LA insider (side note: she’s amazing and I’m beyond jealous of things she gets to do!) and she informed me that sweet farmer Chris is more of a Wild West outlaw, and less of a home, home on the range kind of guy.  E-i-e-i-o.

Like the good journalist that I am, I decided to conduct my own research rather than rely on inadmissible hearsay.  So what’s the deal?  Are we dealing with a Billy the Kid or Butch Cassidy?  Or just some youthful indiscretions?  I decided I’d take a look at the court records myself, rather than conduct my research through the National Enquirer.  Here is the screen shot of the results:

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If you click on the screen shot, you can get a closer look at the list.  Yep.  That’s a long list.  In summation, Chris plead guilty to a number of offenses, which include: multiple speeding violations (slow your roll Farmer), stop sign violations, multiple underage drinking violations (he likes to party, he likes, he likes to party), open container while driving, fighting/ noise (worrisome), a DUI (uh oh, things just got serious), and a bunch of other vehicle related incidents.  Basically, Chris enjoys driving fast, boozing, and sometimes combining the two.  His DUI happened in 2005 but it appears he’s been on the straight and narrow ever since.

Is he too much of a bad boy to be the Bachelor?  Or do you think he’s a reformed bad boy?  Or will the edge make him more interesting?  While his charges are voluminous, most of them are pretty minor and nearly 10 years old.  I’m still fine with him as the Bachelor.  Look at that cute face!  Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots!

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{photo source: http://heavy.com/entertainment/2014/05/chris-soules-the-bachelorette-2014-photos-pics-final-four-season-10/}

As for the women, here are the top ten scenarios I am hoping for Monday night:

  1. Drunken girl in limo, too drunk to get out.  Immediately sent to detox.
  2. Token mom with more than one child and more than one father.
  3. The baton twirler reappearing for the 10th desperate attempt at finding love.
  4. Tiara.  Nuf said.
  5. An ex-girlfriend of Farmer Chris, who had to come before it was too late.
  6. Someone who is [deep breath] there for the wrong reasons.  Gasp.
  7. A 19 year old nanny/ waitress, who used the pumpkin hued fake tanner and is absolutely old enough to get married, even if she can’t legally drink the champaign at her wedding.
  8. The washed up 30 year old, who, pathetically, didn’t find love as a teenager.  Cougar.
  9. The first impression girl, who will undoubtedly be this season’s villain, and the winner of the gaudy Neil Lane.
  10. Someone who greets Farmer Chris on a tractor.  Wearing overalls.
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Fiance Type Stuff

Last Monday night I had big decisions to make.  What did I want to chow down on while I watched the Bachelorette finale?  Carbs?  Chinese food?  A gyro?  Pizza?  The possibilities seemed endless.  Finally my friends and I settled on burgers.  The kind with cheese oozing out of the middle of them.  I took my time in the kitchen plating the food from their greasy take-out boxes when all the sudden, from the other room, one of my friends started yelling, “THERE’S NO RECAP.  IT’S ON.”

Unprecedented.  Since when does this show just start without a 15-20 minute recap of the past ten weeks?  Don’t we need to hear how hard this week is going to be and what an amazing journey Andi’s had and how confident she is that one of the last two will make an amazing husband?

Chris Harrison welcomes us with live commentary.  He tells the audience that the man who was rejected is stalking Andi.  The broken-hearted reject traveled to Mexico and the Men Tell All to confront Andi.  Andi refused to talk to him both times.  Now, the reject is required to keep a minimum distance of 100 feet between him and Andi and he is to have no unavoidable contact with her.  He is not allowed to text, Facebook, email, call, write, or send aerial messages (Farmer Chris style).  Failure to comply with said conditions will result in an immediate casting in Bachelor in Paradise.

Nick Meets the Andi’s 

Anyway, as I said, there is NO RECAP.  It’s time to jump right in with all the roses.  Up first?  Nick.  Nick puts on his tightest shirt (which I think I might own) and tightest pair of shorts and heads over to meet Hy and the rest of the family.  Nick brings flowers for Momma Patti, scotch for Daddy Hy and nothing for Andi’s sister.  Come on Nick, you gotta win over sisters too. We like gift cards to Target, wine, massages (from professionals – not from you.  Ew.) and Chris Harrison.  Any of those options would have been acceptable for sister Rachel.

Right off the bat, Hy is not impressed.  Nick is nervous, boring, and sweaty.  Patti notices that Nick is nervous and not affectionate towards Andi.  Nick starts mumbling at lunch and everyone looks bored to tears.  Nick tells the camera, “the worst thing that could happen today is they think I’m a jackass.”  I’m not sure they think you are a jackass yet, Nick.  That comes later.  All in good time.

Nick tells Andi’s mom he loves Andi and nobody else will ever make him feel that way.  Momma Patti starts to cry.  Tears of joy?  Or tears of fear?  Meanwhile, Andi pulls Rachel aside to over share about kissing Nick.  I get distracted because Rachel looks familiar.  And then I realize she’s Jasmine.

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Nick asks scary Daddy Hy for his blessing to marry Andi.  He laughs the whole time while seeking permission and Hy reluctantly says “if y’all two choose each other, that would be wonderful.”  Andi pulls Hy aside and tells him not to worry.  No way in heck will she pick that dude.

Josh Meets the Andi’s

It’s time for the fam dam to meet Josh.  Josh could have used some steroid shots because that boy is sweatin’ like a pig.  But no worries because Josh chose to wear the exact same outfit as Hy – a silky blue button down and some white shorts.  Except Josh thought he’d leave his shirt unbuttoned down to his belly button.  Cute.  And he also decided to steal a pair of Andi’s white Bermuda shorts.  Flowers for Momma Patti and lung cancer sticks for Hy.  Come on, Josh.  It looks like Hy could use a plate of broccoli and a couple laps in the pool, not cigars.

I’m sort of in love with Andi’s crop top and cute patterned blue skirt.  Momma Hy says Josh is boisterous and chaotic.  What a ringing endorsement!

Jasmine Rachel has a sea turtle tattoo.

Josh’s teeth.  Seriously.  So white.

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They remind of the time Ross whitened his teeth:

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In fact, they sort of look alike.

Hy gives Josh his blessing to shack up with his daughter.  Josh is so excited.  He runs back to his hotel to apply more hair gel and whitening strips in anticipation of his last date with Andi.

Josh’s Last Supper

The best thing to wear on your last date with Andi, to give one last final impression, is the most hideous, bargain bin, bro-tank.  Ugh.  He just needs a keg cup in hand to complete the look.  What a frat boy.  They go on a boat.  Boring boring boring.  Andi’s hair is blowing around.  Boring. More boat.

Josh writes Andi a letter and reads it to her.  Can’t she read it to herself?  Josh makes Andi her own baseball card with her stats.  The card says “Andi Murray,” which is Josh’s last name.  Cute Josh, cute.  A lot more fun than the weird gift Nick’s about to give Andi.

Nick’s Last Supper

Nick doesn’t wear a bro-tank for his final date with Andi but he does chose an equally unfortunate outfit.  Blue on blue.  Did they have to send the wardrobe department home early?  Come on.  These outfits are not acceptable.

Andi is taking Nick off-roading in a Jeep for their last adventure.  Second Jeep of the season.  New sponsor? Nick drives like 10 MPH and Andi fake screams in excitement.  They head to a private lagoon for a picnic.  Nick leans in to kiss Andi.  Andi pushes him away.

Back at Andi’s casa, Nick breathes deeply and is on the edge of having a nervous breakdown.  He can’t believe the 9 weeks are already over.  9 WEEKS?  Seriously, I have a gallon of milk in my fridge that’s over 9 weeks old (ok, that’s a lie.  Everyone knows I guzzle milk like nobody’s business).  But 9 weeks does not an engagement make.

Andi tells Nick he should be confident.  Nick says Andi is giving him all the signs.  Kate says uh oh.

Maybe Andi was legitimately considering Nick…until he gave her the world’s ugliest necklace.  It’s a pendant filled with sand on a ridiculously thin long chain from one of the 10000 beaches they went to.  Andi is so mortified she flings it onto her neck so she doesn’t have to look at it.  Again, she wonders why the personal shopper didn’t help Nick with the final gift.

So who will she pick?  The bigger question is who won’t she pick.

Neil pops in to give let Josh peruse his collection of gaudy, costume jewelry rings.  Josh picks one fit for Las Vegas and Neil buffs it up nice and shiny on his chest hair.  All is right in the world.

And then with a couple knocks on Nick’s door, his fate is sealed.  There will be no Neil Lane for Nick.  There will be no “will you accept this rose” for Nick.  There will only be the memory of fiancé type things (more on that later), potentially an STD, and regret over giving Andi something that a 7th grader would give his crush (the fairytale book AND the sand necklace).

Andi walks into Nick’s hotel room.  She’s a little surprised he’s wearing a shirt made out of the table-cloth from their picnic yesterday but she’s got bigger things to worry about.

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Andi tells Nick that she woke up this morning and didn’t think things were right.  Nick stays mum and Andi starts repeating over and over again, “It’s not right.  It’s not what I envisioned.  It’s not right.”  Andi tries SO HARD to shed tears but none come.  She tells Nick that he over analyzes every single thing and that she can’t have fun with him.  Nick asks if this is about them or someone else?  Andi just shrugs.  Nick tells Andi she took things too far.  She sure did take things too far.  All the way to funky town.

Just like that, ABC managed to make it rain.  Do you think they purposely made Andi dump Nick when they knew it was about to rain?  It’s just too perfect.

Back in the hotel room, Nick packs his tiny little suitcase and chucks his old roses into the hotel trash can.  Who needs those.  Nick gets into the rejection SUV and says he feels like such a fool.  Meanwhile, Andi enlists the help of her glam squad, cause it’s engagement time y’all!

The Final Rose Ceremony

Ten bucks says she picks Josh.  Or is your money on Chris Harrison? I am in LOVE with Andi’s dress.  I think it’s gorgeous and beautiful on her.  Wouldn’t it make such a great beachy wedding dress?  They should just get hitched now!

I wish I could say the same about Josh’s outfit.  What. in. the. world.  How TIGHT is that suit?  He’s bulging out of it.  It’s so ill-fitting.  Did his get mixed up with Nick’s?  Is he trying to channel the incredible hulk?  While I’m contemplating how soon it will be before the whole thing rips open, Josh launches into a well-rehearsed, memorized soliloquy.  Did he have a teleprompter?  Who knew he was capable of memorizing all those lines.  Andi tells Josh she loves him and like a dutiful soldier, Josh takes his cue and drops to one knee.  The Neil Lane slips onto Andi’s finger and Andi can’t help but stare at her new bling.  Josh is sweating bullets.  Seriously, he might need to have his glands checked out.  He must be so thirsty!

So Andi and Josh live happily ever after.

But Nick?  Not so happily ever after.  Especially once the order for no contact went into effect.

After the Final Rose 

After my friends and I consumed more grease than we thought humanly possible, we convinced my lovely boyfriend to run out and get us shakes to help us through the next hour.  There may or may not have been a cheers to Chris Harrison involved:

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But back to the show.  Here’s what we learn:

1)  Nick is back in Milwaukee (holler to the MKE!) and can’t wake up from this nightmare.

2) He’s having a hard time letting go of something so special.  He’s not over her.

3)  Nick’s mom has a nose piercing.  And cries when she thinks of Nick hurt.

4) Nick decides the best way to tell Andi she’s making a mistake is to try stalking her.  He flies to the Men Tell All (filmed long after the engagement) to try to talk to Andi.  Andi says oh heck no and Nick is denied access.

5)  Chris Harrison’s dressing room is filled with 50 shirts — all shades of blue.  Not to be confused with  50 Shades of Gray.

6) Chris Harrison delivers a letter to Andi on behalf of Nick.  Not without first reading it out-loud to all the crew and having a good chuckle.

It’s time to bring out Andi.

Nick stumbles over his words for 15 minutes and when it’s Andi’s turn to talk she says she wasn’t in love with him and never told him she loved him.  Nick says that’s hard to hear and the hardest part is “I guess you know like, knowing how in love with you I was, if you weren’t in love with me, I’m just not sure why you, you made love with me.”

And that’s when an audible gasp came from my living room and I received the following text message from my best friend:

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It. just. got. interesting.  I mean we KNOW what goes on in the fantasy suite but nobody ever SAYS it!  Until now.  Andi’s reaction?  Not impressed. She tells Nick his comment was below the belt.  Nick says, yes that’s exactly what happened.  It was all below the belt.  Andi says the things she did with him and said to him were real.  That position?  Totally real.

Nick says the things they did together were “fiancé type of stuff.”  Geez.  What did they do?  What is strictly reserved for your fiancé?  Andi is fuming.  She tells him that she does way more fun things with her real fiancé.

Here’s my theory: Andi broke up with Nick after the fantasy suite night and all the love makin’ because Nick was bad in bed.

Regardless I see both sides of this situation.  I think it’s a tad gross that Andi had sex with two different men back to back.  But I also think Nick didn’t need to kiss and tell.  And I really do think it’s possible that Andi might have picked Nick but for his performance that night…

As for Andi and Josh?  They actually seem really in love!  Kind of cute.  I’ll for sure blog about their wedding.  Let’s just hope it’s not another “grown sexy” themed wedding.

Thanks “y’all” for reading this season.  Will you guys watch Bachelor in Paradise?  I will give it a shot.  Unsure about blogging about it.  Thoughts?  Who should be the next Bachelor?  Chris Harrison?  Farmer Chris?  Bad in bed Nick?  Until next time!

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Boy oh Boy

Remember when I was a teenager and this show was new and fresh?  In the blink of an eye, I went from not being old enough to drive a car when this show started to being too old to be considered for casting.  Where has my life gone?  What do I have to show for it?  A blog about the Bachelor franchise?  Student loans and car payments?  A closet full of dresses too short and too tight for someone *ahem* pushing 30?  In the wise words of Max Kellerman from Dirty Dancing, “it feels like it’s all slipping away.”

But alas, back to when this show first started, the Men Tell All episode was just that — the men came in, badmouthed the bachelorette, we learned house secrets, and maybe some tears were shed.  Now, we hear from the bachelors who were on the show for like a hot second, most of whom we have no recall of whatsoever, and the rest of the time is dedicated to exploiting their 3 success stories.

Exploited this time?  Ashley, JP and their teeny tiny fetus.  Yes, Ashley is with child– JP’s child despite the weird references to it maybe looking like Chris Harrison.  That’s not creepy at all.  And in the most staged and exploited moment so far, Chris arranged for an extra to fake a sonogram on TV to announce the gender of the baby.  As the tabloids reported it was a boy months ago, I’m calling bologna sausage.

Since there are no secrets in the blogging world and we’re all friends here, free from judgment (to my face), I might as well confide in you that I’ve watched every episode of Sex and the City.  Like 50 times.  Or more.  Details aren’t important.  The point is, this reminded me of the episode when Miranda faked her sonogram.  She went in for a sonogram (hey pregnant friends/ doctor friends, what’s the difference between a sonogram and an ultrasound) and it was the 20-week check-up when she could find out the sex of the baby.  When the technician enthusiastically said, “It’s a BOY!” Miranda had to fake a happy surprised reaction of “boy oh boy.”

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source: http://bridegene.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/miranda-jpg.png

These two totally just faked their sonogram.  But I’m sure they got paid good money to fake it.

Here’s what else “happened” (the use of quotes is perfectly acceptable here because nothing really happened other than I got bored):

  1. Extra in the audience posing as someone trying to meet Farmer Chris.  Crazy much?  Since when does ABC just allow random people to rush the stage?
  2. Oh that’s right, they don’t!  Exhibit A: Chris from Emily’s season.  Man they hate him.  And yet, they keep using him for the show to humiliate him.
  3. Bachelor in nightmare Paradise.  I sure hope they bring strong antibiotics for all those bodily fluid exchanges.  Nobody likes the Clap.  I think that’s an STD?  Also, I totally just googled, “STDs you can treat with antibiotics.”  I’m oddly excited for this show.  It looks like a cross between Jerry Springer and the Real World.  The theme can be: “take care of yourself and each other, where people stop being polite, and start getting real.”  Genius.
  4. Marquel has a cloth chocolate chip cookie pin.
  5. Scarves.  Man scarves.  Lot of them.  Some of them I think I own.
  6. Objectionable hearsay causes a 30 minute debate between Andrew, Marquel and JJ.  He said, she said, blah blah blah.  News for all of you: this is not admissible in the Bachelorette Court of Law!  Excited utterance exception?  I don’t think so!
  7. JJ appears drunk or stoned (you know, I’m not a drug user so I’m actually worried that might be an antiquated term used by my mother.  Sorry I’m so uncool with my lingo).  JJ almost cries.  Probably just the drugs talking.
  8. Andi is not willing to fake a sonogram tonight because she’s not pregnant.  She just has a little bloat from all the drinking and eating.
  9. Lies, lies and more lies.  Dylan, Marcus and Josh are all liars.  Dylan doesn’t wash his hands in the bathroom. Ew.  Marcus slept with over 20 women.  Double ew.  And Josh’s lies?  I’ll never tell.  XOXO – Gossip Girl.
  10. In the most dramatic twist of them all, Chris Harrison hands Andi a note backstage, after the show is over.  And that’s it.

Tomorrow night is the finale and I can’t wait!  On a scale of 1 to 10, what is the likelihood that Neil Lane will shine a diamond on the chest hair that will undoubtedly be spilling out of his shirt?  Or is he a shave the chest kind of guy?  Either way, I’m sure Neil’s chest will be exposed enough  to place a defibrillator pad on his chest without having to waste time with buttons, in the event of a medical emergency.

So, who will it be?  Are you team Nick or team Josh?  Or are you like me, supporting team I Am Totally Unimpressed by Both of Them and Care About as Much as I Care about Sports?

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I Feel Like an Idiot

Y’all. Yesterday I spent a solid five minutes staring into the mirror trying to make my lips look like Andi’s signature duck pout look. I failed. I don’t know if it’s because my lips are just too big to pull that off but I looked like a botox job gone bad.

It’s hometown dates. And that means I care about one thing, and one thing only. Andi is headed to Milwaukee! My hometown! Go Pack Go.

Milwaukee:

wayne

source: https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-mERVtd7P2Qw/Uuwj3Il9TzI/AAAAAAAAmms/TVOe-iSRENQ/w500/14%2B-%2B1

Nick takes Andi to the Milwaukee Public Market. It’s the knock-off version of Seattle or so I envision since I’ve not actually been there. But you know what ours has that Seattle probably doesn’t? Beer and cheese tasting aplenty.

Once they have a solid buzz happening (this is, after all, the “drunkest state” in America), Nick takes Andi to Lake Front Brewery for…you guessed it, more drinking! I hope Andi can hold her own because she’s going to be one drink shy of dancing on a table soon. If she gets to that point, I recommend Water Street. She doesn’t quite find herself on a table, but she does hit up the dance floor to perform the Wisconsin state dance, the Polka.

I actually had a gym unit dedicated to the Polka. We take it seriously, folks. If you can’t Polka during the seventh inning stretch at the Brewers game, then don’t bother coming. Cubs fans need not apply.

After Andi and Nick finish rolling out the barrel, they head to Waukesha to meet Nick’s massive family. And I mean MASSIVE. 10 children. Catholic much? Safe assumption. It’s Milwaukee.  Nick is the oldest of the Von Trapp Family Singers.  The youngest looks to be about 8.  Nick is 33.  That means he was in his mid 20’s when that kid was born.  That’s just wrong, mother.  Wrong.  Nick’s protective sister, Marie (or Maria?) sits down to chat with Andi about her intentions.  I want to know if Nick’s sister intentionally forgot pants?  Because man, that dress is short!  It was a miracle that ABC didn’t have to use the black privacy bars for this segment.

The youngest, adorable Bella, sits down with Andi and asks the tough questions.  Andi says she has a strong “mental connection” with Nick.  Bella wonders who says “mental connection.”  I vote for Bella as future Bachelorette in 15 years.  Bella reports back to Nick and can’t really remember her conversation with Andi and falsely tells Nick that Andi loves him.  Oh Bella.  Maybe journalism isn’t in your future.  This is how rumors get started.

Nick humbly tells his Mother that he’s Andi’s favorite and there’s no way he’ll get sent home.  His mother wonders how her son’s ego got so gigantic.

Arlington, Iowa: Field of Dreams 

How adorable is Farmer Chris?  I’m ready to saddle up my horse and head to Iowa.  I’ve got no problem with Iowa, Chris.  And I have no problem baking in the kitchen and playing ghost in the graveyard at night.  FYI, I come with a cat.  See ya soon!

Farmer is sexy in his plaid shirt and blue vest.  Andi agrees. Finally something we can agree on!  Farmer gives Andi a tour of his beautiful house (seriously Farmer, I’m on my way) and his picturesque farmland.  Taking a cue from Kenny Chesney, Farmer takes Andi out back to show off his tractor. Farmer Chris winks at the camera and tells it, “she think’s my tractor’s sexy.”

Farmer Chris shows Andi his entire dell.  He takes Andi out to plow the field.  Andi is disappointed he can’t plow anything else on this date.  She says “he’s hot, he’s manly, he’s burly.  He’s like, the hottest farmer ever.”  They picnic in the field and Andi asks Farmer what she’s supposed to do in this podunk town.  Farmer suggests she be a homemaker.  Andi asks if there are any talent agents around because she reminds Farmer she quit her lawyering job in search of fame.  Farmer Chris suggests she get back to her legal career instead of trying to be an “actress.”  Andi says she’s not as City as he thinks she is.  Cause her family has a cabin, y’all.  And she hunts.  A plane flies over carrying a banner, “Farmer Loves Andi.”  Andi responds with her most sincere ‘shut up.’

Andi meets Farmer’s mom, dad, three older sisters and their husbands.  I like Farmer even a tad more knowing he’s the youngest (the youngest are always the most charming.  Ask anyone.  Ask my mom).  One of Chris’ sisters reminds me of Julia Stiles so I already like her.   Julia raves about the success of their little bro.  Andi’s mom is adorbs and I love her.  She’s so sweet.  Momma Farmer says Andi can do anything in Iowa and the world is so small so there are no limits for a woman on a farm these days.  Amen, momma, amen.  Sage momma tells the camera that it’s an integral part of life to share the good times and the bad times with someone you love and she wants Chris to find that.  I love her.  What a warm lady.

Momma Farmer gets Andi alone and tells her their babies would be beautiful.  The way she says babies just makes me die with laughter.  There was so much gusto.  BABIES.  She tells Andi she has gumption and that she’s a tough cookie.  She tells her to follow her heart and that she can make it anywhere.  After, the family goes out to play ghost in the graveyard.  Love. this.  How can you not embrace a family who wants to go out and have fun together?  My sisters and I played ghost in the graveyard all the time growing up.  Count me in!

Atlanta.  I have nothing creative to say about this.

Josh and his sports loving family are ready to talk sports with Andi.  Put on your helmet Andi, it’s going to be a long afternoon.  But first, Josh and Andi play some baseball.  Of course.  This feels very reminiscent of Roberto and Ali.  Andi wears shorts that she should have retired in 6th grade.  They are so short they don’t even cover her hips.  Come on, girl.  Nobody ever said shorter is better. Josh says that he decided to leave baseball so he could have a life.  Um.  I think you left baseball because baseball left you.  But nice try Josh. Nice try.

Now let’s talk about Aaron.  The little brother.  He’s about to be drafted by the NFL.  And that’s all the family cares about.  Andi is pissed.  This is about HER.

Creepy alert.  Josh’s mother looks exactly like Andi.  Or Andi looks exactly like Josh’s mother.  She could be her daughter.  She could be Josh’s sister.  The resemblance is too much.  Their hair colors are identical.  This gives me the icks.

For some reason the little brother, Aaron, the present golden boy of the family, sits at the head of the table and gives the toast.  After that, Aaron’s done his good deed of the day and is free to talk about football the rest of the evening.  Andi is mad.  “Before I could even eat dinner, they were like football time,” she says with a roll of the eyes.  Andi says she knows it’s a “huge time in Aaron’s life but it’s also a huge time in Josh’s life.”  Really?  Is it?  Sorry but the NFL draft is probably a little more interesting to these folks than their son’s girlfriend who happens to also be dating 3 other dudes and maybe Chris Harrison.

Andi has some time alone with Josh’s mother and his Mother basically says Josh is a momma’s boy and she better back down.  Coach dad tells Andi that if they end up together they will be expected to attend all of Aaron’s football games on Sundays.  Andi is starting to lose it.  She does not want to spend all day fawning over Aaron for the rest of her life.  People should be fawning over her, damn it!  Andi curses the day Aaron was born and heads to her next hometown date…

Dallas:  All my ex’s live in Texas  (A song Andi will soon sing)

Marcus tells Andi he’s taking her on a tour of Dallas reflective of a day in his life.  I’m worried.  He takes Andi to a dark club and performs a striptease.  It’s so awful I cringe.  His undies are so tight and so white, that ABC was actually forced to use the black privacy bars.  Oh Marcus.  Why.  Cue the groans.  Did I miss something?  How is this a day in your life?  Are you a stripper?  Do you like strippers?  Do you frequent a lot of strip clubs?  Poor judgment Marcus.  Poor judgment.

After Marcus wipes the oil off his body and pulls the singles out of his g-string, he takes Andi to meet his family.  His sister reminds me of Stifler’s mom.  I guess that makes sense given the striptease we were just forced to witness.  Stifler’s mom tells Andi that he can be a little “over-caring” sometimes.  Translation: he’s intense, has he scared you off?  Andi says her feelings need to catch up to Marcus.

Meanwhile, Marcus chooses this opportunity to thank his brother for essentially raising him.  Tears were shed.  It was strange.  Why is this happening on national television and not in private?  His mother seems Russian.  That’s all.

ABC Demonstrates Just How Low They’re Willing To Go

In what seemed like the most contrived moment yet, Chris Harrison invites all the remaining contestants and Andi to his house to deliver the tragic news that Eric died in a paragliding accident.  It felt very awkward, inappropriate and exploitive.  That’s all I’m going to say about it.  Chris Harrison’s house?  Icky.  Can’t he hire someone to make that place a little nicer?  Come on Chris, you make millions just instructing bimbos to hand out their final rose of the evening.  You can afford an interior designer.

Marcus was sent packing sans rose.  No surprise there.  Andi doesn’t really see “striptease” recipient in her future.   Marcus is stunned.  He tells Andi, “I wanted to be that guy for you.”  Andi tells him that when she’s engaged to Josh or Nick (I see Farmer Chris as the next Bachelor), he’ll definitely be the guy for her to perform at her Bachelorette party.

Marcus gets in the rejection limo and says “I feel like an idiot.  I shouldn’t have told her I loved her….I feel like she could be my soulmate.”  No Marcus, you shouldn’t have performed a striptease on your hometown date.  That’s where things went wrong.

 

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