It’s hometown date week! Is there anything more exciting than an opportunity to
judge observe the messed up families of our remaining men? Will Des’ tent-dwelling family complete with an angry brother appear more normal after meeting the families? Although, if a camera crew followed my own family around, what would the world see? Chaos. Noise. Dogs barking. My mom singing. I’ll just leave it at that. You would never see anyone in my family pick up a hand-full of spaghetti and take aim at a sister (well, I guess I did that once). And you would never see a neighbor call the police after they heard terribly loud screams coming from the house (whoops, that was me too!). And you would certainly never see anyone in my family throw hangers or phones at yet again, the same sister (ok, so I have anger issues. I’ll be sure to check into an anger management class very very soon). The moral of the story is, none of us come across perfect on camera. And thank goodness, because this blog sure would be boring if that were the case! So, let’s chat about everyone’s dysfunction, shall we?
Yeehaw, we’re headed to Dallas Y’ALL! Des shows up wearing an adorable cropped teal jacket (I want!). Des will meet Zak’s sister, brother, mom and dad. What an All-American family! I hope they serve apple pie down there in Texas. But before that happens, Zak tells Des about some strange dream he had. Des doesn’t follow and instantly wishes she had taken her brother up on some illegal drugs because surely then she could have followed this psychedelic scenario. At the end of the dream, when Des and Zak are covered in snow cones, Zak runs and gets the family snow cone truck! Ah yes, every girl’s dream. To own a snow cone truck. Is a snow cone truck less creepy than an ice cream truck? Because I find grown men trolling the neighborhoods for children while playing carnival music insanely creepy. They dish up some snow cones to some kids and Zak dresses like a penguin. When Des’ teeth are adequately blue from her fav syrup Razzle Dazzle Blue Razzzzberry, Zak takes her to his parent’s house.
Just as I was reallllly getting ready to judge, dislike, and trash-talk all of these strangers, they arrive at a beautiful house and a beautiful family. They are all warm. They are all kind. They are all inviting. And the house is gorgeous. Ugh – what boring TV! (But Zak wins my vote for next Bachelor!). I would love a tour of that house. Lots of cute decoration ideas. Even when the family all started singing to Des, I got ready to be Judgy McJudgerson, but still nothing came. It was all so sweet. I’d rather listen to the family sing than hear one. more. poem.
Zak gives Des some sort of promise ring and tells her he loves her. I wonder if Zak is going to regret that decision later…
Des heads to Scottsdale, AZ to meet Drew’s family. His is sort of the “new” All-American Family. Des will meet Drew’s mom, step-dad, father, sister, and then I lost track of people. Because I stopped listening. Drew and Des pick up Drew’s mentally handicapped sister and then they head to Drew’s mom’s house. As soon as I see Drew’s dad, Mal, I turned to my friend and said you know who he looks like? In unison we both said, “Ronald Reagan!” Ha! I couldn’t find the BEST picture of Mal, but here’s the best I could do:
Oh, I kid! That is of course Ronald Reagan! No fooling you guys. Here’s Mal:
He looked more like Ronnie on the TV, than in this grainy picture so you’ll just have to “trust, but verify” as Ronald would say! I will say,
Ron Mal was very sweet and supportive of his son. I liked Mal the best. Meanwhile, Drew and his mom were in a bedroom holding hands. I found this creepy. I mean I just can’t imagine sitting on a bed telling my dad about my new boyfriend, while holding his hand. When Des departs, Drew tells Des he like, totally, loves her shoes. Whoops, he backtracks and says I mean you. I mean I love you, Des.
Des heads somewhere in Oregon (I may have missed where Chris was from…twice). Wherever it is, it sure is beautiful! I expected Chris to have the most normal family of all the remaining men. And yet things just didn’t pan out that way. Des met Chris’ mom, dad, two sisters, brother and his brother’s wife. I don’t know what was up with everyone’s hair in Oregon but some of those ladies could really use an update. And why does Chris look NOTHING like his siblings? I mean he’s so cute. And I’ll just leave it at that. While I’m at anger management class I’ll consider taking a class about saying nice things. And surprise, surprise, Chris’ dad proposes a toast that sounds oddly like a POEM. GAH! Stop please! We learn that Chris’ dad, George, is a chiropractor. He offers to take her downstairs (that’s not strange at all) to give her an adjustment. I’m just not sure I’m going to allow my boyfriend’s dad, who I’m meeting for the very first time, to give me an “adjustment.” In the basement. The family basement. Which is clearly where his business operates. It was a little too fringe medicine for my taste.
Especially when Chris shows up for his adjustments. While I’m taking a big bite of my delicious burrito bowl, George shoves some sort of balloon device up – STRAIGHT UP- Chris’ nose. There are weird sounds. There are boogers. And then there is burrito bowl coming back up my throat. I mean, what in the world WAS that? And why did they need to show it while I was eating? UGH! Cue the groans! No adjustments for me thanks. Other than my personality, I do not need adjusting.
Des chats with Chris’ mom who seems… medicated. She has no expression, no enthusiasm. Her hair sort of looks like she just broke out of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. I am quite confident she is on some sort of major downer. Probably given to her by George. Mom’s version of an “adjustment.” Even her laugh was unhappy sounding.
Finally, Des heads to beautiful Salt Lake City, Utah. Brooks has bad clothes. They always look dated. Sorta like some other people’s hair we saw just moments earlier. The 90’s are over people! And don’t get me wrong, I loved the 90’s (my nano baby, Full House, Saved by the Bell, Doug, etc). Anyway, there are like 57 siblings for Des to meet and all of their spouses. Brooks’ mom is also there. No mention of Papa Brooks. Des seems nervous when she talks to Brooks’ mom. But maybe it’s because she hasn’t been able to take the edge of with a nice cold beer. Or 12 as ABC prefers to guarantee good television. Brooks borrows Des’ coat to talk to 13 of his brothers outside. And then his sister Jana (the only one whose name I actually caught). Jana tells Brooks that he will know if he’s in love if he’s completely co-dependent. Seriously, she said if he’s upset whenever she’s not around, then they should definitely get married. That sounds so…stable. And healthy.
The Crazy Brother
Because ABC wants to spice things up, they bring in some guy they keep insisting is Des’ brother (I’m not convinced) and let him loose. Once again, he shows his crazy and tells Des he wants to scare off Des’ final guys. He says he wants to meet them and “get in their heads.” Is this guy really that crazy or is this all an act? If it’s not an act, it seems like he must HATE Des. He seems like all he wants to do is upset her. He needs to go to anger management class with me. Anyway, there is nothing else to say about him. If I were Des, I would not speak to him. I’m cold like that.
And at the rose ceremony poor Zak goes home. Heartbroken. And Des gives Zak back his promise ring, which Zak promptly throws out the limo window. I can only assume it was worth like $5.00. Des is just thankful she no longer has to wear a ring that’s turning her finger green. Poor Zak. Him and his abs really grew on me!
See ya next week for the Men Tell
All What We Already Know!