You Know, I really Want to be madly in love with you

The words have become comforting.  They are the wise wise words of Chris Harrison (allegedly):

“Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.”

I’ve  heard those words 78 times (seriously, 78 times.  I did the math.  17 seasons of the Bachelor plus 9 seasons of the Bachelorette times the 3 remaining contestants equals 78).   It’s FINALLY fantasy suite night!  What’s not to love about fantasy suite night?  There could be another Ed moment (recall Ed had some trouble…performing).  There could be another Vienna moment (recall Vienna stepped out in her little negligee for Jake.  Ew, I hope I never have to relive a moment like that again).  Or there could be another Emily moment (recall she did not allow fantasy suite dates because she didn’t want little Ricky to think her a floozy).  My money is that Drew will announce he’d rather be in the fantasy date with Brooks than Des.

Obviously the best place to shack up is Antigua, so Des and her remaining men head to the island.  Des hopes Brooks doesn’t have an Ed moment because she’s pretty certain she wants to marry him.  Brooks is hoping he has an Ed moment so that Des won’t want to marry him.  Chris Harrison describes this episode as “incredible and dramatic,” and as the television event of the summer.  Wow Chris, wow.  Bold predictions!  Chris throws around the word dramatic more than #kasey hashtag throws around the hashtag, so we’ll just have to see.

Truthfully, I have nothing to say about the first two dates – Drew and Chris.  I mean really, what a snooze.  Des wears a weird fringe denim vest over her swimsuit and that’s about the most dramatic (read: atrocious) thing that happened.  Chris reads MORE POETRY and I consider jumping out my window.  It’s a good thing my boyfriend doesn’t write me poetry.  I wouldn’t be very receptive.  You can show your love for me with gift cards and flowers,  not rhyming couplets.  I’m only half kidding.  But mostly I’m not kidding.

Chris and Drew both spend the night in the STD fantasy suite.  Do you think Brooks is getting cold feet because he doesn’t want to be the THIRD person to the fantasy suite?  Ew!  I do not blame him!  You definitely need to be the first one for this “date.”

Brooks heads to Boise, Idaho to pick up some potatoes before he heads to Antigua.  Well actually he goes to talk to his sister and Mother about his feelings for Des.  Or lack there of.  He tells his family he is worried he isn’t ready to propose after 3 weeks of knowing Des.  How strange!  I’ve had a longer relationship with gallons of milk in my fridge.  I can’t imagine not wanting to get engaged after just meeting someone, who is also dating 3 other people.  He also isn’t sure if he loves her and doesn’t think he should propose if he doesn’t love her.  Uhhh, ya think!?!

Back in Antigua, we are forced to listen to Des drone on and on about her love for Brooks, all the while knowing Brooks is getting ready to dump Des.  But before Brooks can pull the plug on Des, he needs some advice from the Almighty Chris.  Brooks tells the camera that “everything in my head says, this is it.  But my heart feels a different way.”  Ouch.  Chris asks Brooks “are you not sure?  Or are you telling me ‘I’m not in love with this girl?”‘  Brooks looks down and responds with hmmm…I don’t know.  Brooks says that if he doesn’t feel it at this point, he probably will never feel it.  Further, he’s come to the conclusion that Des is NOT the love of his life.  Chris asks Brooks if he’s honestly ready to fall in love?  Did his parent’s divorce impact his ability to commit?  Brooks says he’s wanted to marry like 10 other people but definitely does not want to marry Des.

So what’s Brooks’ issue?  Here are some theories:

  • he has commitment issues (ala Chris Harrison)
  • he is secretly in love with Drew (ala my Mother)
  • he isn’t in love after a few weeks (ala all normal people in the world)
  • he doesn’t want to be rejected in case Des doesn’t choose him (ala me)
  • he doesn’t know how Des feels so he’s trying to protect himself (ala me again – sounds the same but I’m trying to emphasis the point)
  • he wants to give Des a family ring but ABC is insisting on a Neil Lane
  • he is scared of Des’ brother
  • he was hoping the Bachelorette would be Emily
  • he is grossed out being the third guy to the fantasy suite
  • he feels like he can’t compete with Chris’ poetry
  • he likes the drama

Poor Des has no idea what’s about to hit her.  She puts on a darling crop-top swimsuit cover up and excitedly goes to meet Brooks for her date, which she hopes will be “stress-free, no worries.”  Ugh, more dramatic irony.  I can’t handle it!  I want to jump through my screen and warn Des.  She gushes on and on about how much she loves him.  But as soon as Brooks walks up Des knows something is wrong.

Des knows it ain’t good.  She urges Brooks to talk to her.  He tells her he’s run out of hair product and will have to cancel the date.  But there’s more.  He tells her that when they are apart he loses his connection with her.  She tearfully tells him she misses him when he’s not around.  He tells her,” you know, I really want to be madly in love with you.”  Dagger. to. the. heart.  I can’t really even write anything THAT sarcastic because I genuinely felt terrible for Des.  Brooks says the moments apart are not hard enough.  This causes Des to break down and when Brooks tries to comfort her she tells him to stop.  Des tells Brooks she loves him.  Brooks tearfully says, “why didn’t you tell me earlier?”  I don’t get exactly why Brooks asks that.  Would that have changed his mind?  Would he have gone to the fantasy suite if he knew she loved him?  Would he have shaved his face?

Des tells Brooks nobody ever loves her and this happens to her all the time.  Well Des, you have two guys proclaiming their love for you (that you presumably had sex with the night before) who are ready to marry you.  Granted one of them wears scarves a little too well and the other can only say I love you in a poem.  But still, it’s better than nothing?  Des tells Brooks she was conflicted during this process because she didn’t want to share her heart with anyone but Brooks and that while she was on her other dates she only wanted to be with him.  I believe Des…but I also witnessed Des rolling around on the beach 40 minutes ago with Chris.  I mean, seriously rolling around.  They were one roll away from turning the beach into the fantasy suite.

Finally, Brooks says it’s time to get up and leave the dock of heartbreak because his ungelled hair will take ages to untangle. Brooks asks if he can borrow some detangler from Des before they part ways and Des knees him in the crotch.  They part ways and the camera alternates between both of them sobbing.  Des says, “honestly for me, it’s over.”

How do you think Chris and Drew felt watching this last night?  Maybe at the After the Final Rose, Chris will explain it to us in a poem.

So what do you think?  Will Brooks come back?  Will Des end up alone?  Weigh in!

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