Tag Archives: travel

I love you TWO!

Jamaica, ooo I wanna take ya, to Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty momma!

Somewhere Amanda starts crying when she hears the reference to “momma.”  Don’t fear Amanda, you’re in a better place…than Caila.

Ben and his three remaining ladies head to Jamaica for some private sexy time, profuse overuse of the word “love,” and an endless supply of clothing that looks like it could fit an American Girl Doll (yet, somehow, these ladies shimmy their bodies into the tiniest garments known to man.)

Sorely missing is any reference to Jamaica getting a bobsled team.

I pose this question every season, and this season is no different: how would you feel getting the last overnight date?  So. Gross.

First One-on-One: Caila 

Caila (luckily) gets the least disgusting first overnight date.  As the theme of Jamaica is less is always most definitely more, Caila wears her shortest pair of jean shorts that show just enough butt cheek with her boldest croppiest sports bra.  When in Rome.

Ben takes Caila on a Huck Finn raft and the two of them float into a stream of complete silence.  The longer the silence lasts, the mores taciturn Caila becomes.  I find myself starting to break out in a cold sweat as I watch this uncomfortable scene unfold.  Someone get these two some alcohol.

And then, what do you know.  A little shanty (the original food truck) awaits them in the jungle.  The ABC producers give Ben and Caila a coconut full of rum to liven up this date.

At dinner Ben says yo Caila, why were you so weird today?  Caila, loquacious from her liquid courage, waxes on and on about who knows what and then finally says, “I love you.” Ben responds with his favorite words: french kissing.  Caila tells Ben she’s ready to take advantage of the fantasy suite.  It’s perfect because Ben is ready to take advantage of Caila.

Second One-on-One: Lauren 

It was a tough decision but Lauren wins the “most ill-fitting, way too small, why are you wearing your clothes from grade school,” award!  Congrats, Lauren!  Lauren’s crop-top, spaghetti-strap, SWEATER tank top sends the message, I’m mysterious and also very confused.  Her jean shorts that are so short and tight causing poor Lauren to waddle, send the message, I’m down for a wild time, even if it hurts.

Ben takes Lauren to release a sea turtle nest into the ocean.  I can’t tell you how many times in my childhood my mom had us on the side of the road frantically trying to rescue turtles.  You think that’s a joke. But it’s not.  I can only hope their efforts were more successful than ours.

As if the jean shorts and sweater crop-top tank weren’t bad enough, Lauren decides to dress like a salmon for dinner, wearing a crop top/ pencil skirt combo made of spandex from the Charlotte Russe “Working The Vegas Strip” collection.  Size XXS.

Lauren forgoes her individual room key in hopes of fornicating with Ben.  When they make their way back to the fantasy suite (sponsored by Sandals), Lauren tells Ben she is in love with him and also, like, she can’t believe how lucky she is.  Ben breaks all rules and does the one thing he’s forbidden from doing on this show– he tells Lauren he loves her too.

The morning after, Lauren keeps saying Ben’s her person.  No it’s LOBSTER.  Come on.  Watch an episode of Friends!

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Third One-on-One Date: JoJo

JoJo greets Ben with her signature jump and straddle.  I envision if I greeted my husband like that,  I would flatten him like a pancake.

The pair helicopter to some hidden waterfalls.  I can only think that it reminds me of Gooseberry Falls in Minnesota.  Minnesota: just as exotic as Jamaica.  Our new slogan.

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Minnesota, as sexy as Jamaica.  Even our accents. You betcha. 

JoJo says she’s never seen anything like this before.  Come to Minnesota, JoJo.  We have waterfalls up the uff-da. To celebrate, Ben and JoJo go skinny dipping.  Actually wait.  JoJo is wearing a bathing suit, it’s just flesh-colored and very very similar looking to underwear.

Even after seeing Ben’s awful oblique tattoo, JoJo decides to spring the “I love you,” words on Ben.  Much to JoJo’s complete shock, Ben replies, “I love you too.”  Somewhere, ABC producers hoot and holler with glee.  They’ve got Ben, the three remaining women, and millions of women sitting at home sipping chardonnay from a box, right where they want them.

JoJo is legit flummoxed.  She could have sworn the producers told her he was in love with Lauren.  Oh well, she reasons, guess they were wrong!

During the dinner portion of their date, I got distracted and started researching how to make cheese at home. In case you are wondering, it sounds difficult.

Back to the Bachelor.  There is discussion about the creepy brothers, but JoJo just chalks it up to the bros being protective older siblings.  Bros will be bros.  She says they will love him eventually; Ben is unsure if he will love them eventually.  But alas, forget the brothers, it’s time to consummate this love in the fantasy suite. For the third night in a row. With a different woman each night. Ick.

The Morning After

Ben wakes up and realizes that since he told two women he loves them, he has to keep them around for at least another week.  That means Caila needs to go.

In classic Bachelor fashion, right when Ben comes to this realization, Caila shows up at Ben’s patio.  10 bucks says the ABC producers told Caila Ben really wants to see you, you should totally go surprise him!

Caila wears her cutest pastel tie dye sports bra for her big Ben surprise.  I feel like getting dumped while wearing a sports bra is worse than getting dumped in regular clothes. Caila senses something is wrong and she’s right.  Ben apparently enjoyed the sex with the other two a little more.   All I can think is Caila has the most perfect little body!  I must hit the gym when I’m done eating cookies and reading how to make cheese. Caila handles the situation as well as possible – I have no doubt Caila will go on to great things.  At the very least, hair commercials.

At the rose ceremony, Lauren smugly tells JoJo she’s not nervous, especially after seeing JoJo’s dress that looks like it belongs on an episode of Saved by the Bell.  Both women falsely believe they’ve got this in the bag.  Ben appears and tells the women, the three of us are going to be so happy together!

 

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Why Did You Do that?

I have failed you, my friends.  On probably the most entertaining episode so far this season, I did not provide an update.  Life got the best of me (namely, dog sitting for my parents, bringing the total number of pets in my 1300 square foot home to a whopping FOUR, for two weeks).  Ben finally came to his senses and told the producers he wasn’t going to be a puppet in their game any longer – Olivia needed to go.  The producers agreed he could cut her loose but only on an island with hurricanic winds and no viable plan to bring Olivia back to safe shores.  I can only assume that somewhere in the Bahamas, Olivia has found her Wilson and hopefully learned how to build a fire.

On to this week.  Ben decided it was time to bring his remaining ladies back to his hometown: Warsaw, Indiana.

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Becca is nervous she’ll need to find Indiana on a map upon demand.  She thinks it’s somewhere near Nebraska or Kansas.  The Twin has never been anywhere with temperatures less than 60 degrees.  My mind wanders to the Warsaw Pact and I contemplate if any of these women can name a single treaty.

Warsaw looks, surprisingly, like a lovely town.  It’s beautiful and quaint.  Serve up Ben with a side of Apple Pie and it looks like a scene in my 4th grade social studies book.  Hashtag americana.

Ben meets his parents at the local greasy spoon.  Um.  Ben’s dad is a hottie. Hey there, silver fox! Ben tells his parents he’s falling in love.  His mom tries to wipe the horrified look off her face.  Is Ben an only child?  Anyone?  Bueller?

Later, Ben picks up the ladies in a pontoon boat and I’m officially on board with Ben.  Anyone with a boat has me sold.

First One-on-One Date: Lauren B

I think we are finally down to one Lauren, which means I can stop pretending to know who the other Lauren is or what her last name initial is.  Ben tells the story of his first kiss, which happened in 7th grade.  I was still playing with Barbies in 7th grade.  I’m not sure which one of us is the normal one. And if that didn’t convince you, surely this will:

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Really appealing. Who knew I was such a patriot!

You are welcome for that.  Don’t act like you didn’t have an awkward phase.

Ben takes Lauren on a tour of Warsaw, which includes an after school program center where Ben used to work, I assume 10 years ago. Ben and Lauren play with the kids.  Lauren says she fits in well with the kids because she’s the same size as them and only a few years older.  Some members from the Indiana Pacer’s show up to play with the kids.  I think that’s some sort of pro basketball team.  Lauren giggles like a school girl as she tries to play with Paul George’s balls.  I mean basketball.  Ben is irritated that the Pacer’s sent their most attractive player.

Later, Ben takes Lauren to his local dive bar to meet his friends.  Interestingly enough, Farmer Chris took his winner, Whitney, to the bar to meet his friends too.  Coincidence?

Second One-on-One Date: JoJo

JoJo and Ben are heading to the windy city for, I hope, some strolling and shopping on Michigan Ave followed by drinks on the top level of the John Hancock.  Or, in the alternative, a boat architecture tour and a stop at Navy Pier.  Or hit up some of the fantastic museums and see a show.

But no.  Instead, they spend the entire day AND NIGHT at Wrigley.  Look.  I get it.  Wrigley is cool and historic and BLAH BLAH BLAH.  But come on. They weren’t even at a game!  They were just at Wrigley.  Doing nothing.

It’s official.  JoJo’s first trip to Chicago was a total waste. They play baseball, they make out and that’s about it. Zzz.

Group Date: Caila, Becca, Mom

Ben takes the girls to some remote area to row boats and fly kites.  Does anyone else not like flying kites?  I like watching them but I’ve never successfully launched my kite.  Mom agrees and hopes there is more to the date than flying kites. Be careful what you wish for.

Becca pulls Ben aside and tells him “just don’t blindside me.”  Consider yourself forewarned, Bachelor viewers.

The group date is over faster than you can say Chris Harrison.  Mom gets the group date rose and gets to continue her romantic evening  at McDonalds.  She’s hoping she can at least supersize things, or else this is nothing but a total waste.  She can’t believe she’s starved herself for weeks only to have to force down an Egg McMuffin on national TV.

We get it McDonalds.  You sponsor the Bachelor.  Now give me free fries for life and I’ll sing you nothing but high praises.

Ben tells Amanda he brought the girls to Warsaw because he wanted them to experience the normal things he does, such as going to McDonalds. And apparently, working at McDonalds.  Dear god.  This is so stupid.  And that’s coming from someone who eats McDonalds more often than I care to admit.

There was slight redemption when Ben took Amanda to the local carnival.  Ten bucks says it was this same location where Ben smooched his first girl in 7th grade. As Amanda sits at the top of the Ferris Wheel, making out with Ben, she says that she feels like the luckiest girl in the world right now.  A carny could make you feel that way every day for the rest of your life. Just throwing that out there.

Third One-on-One Date: Twin 

Emily gets the last coveted one-on-one date. Ben takes Emily in his pontoon boat, where she verifies that the birds she sees in the water, are in fact, swans.

As a fun surprise, Ben takes Emily to his house to meet his parents.  Emily, totally freaked, wishes she would have worn jeans that exposed less of her knee caps and thighs.

Emily tells the camera she’s really nervous.  She says talking to people makes her really anxious and she doesn’t want to make an idiot of herself.  Ben’s mom pulls Emily aside for some private conversation and what comes out of Emily’s mouth is pure word diarrhea.

  • Emily: So I’m one of the youngest ones here. And like I’m 23 and I don’t know, it’s just been,  I don’t know, kind of hard and I know I’m young and I don’t travel a lot but this has been really hard but I have really blossomed and grown and I didn’t know I would turn into this woman. I am young and there is um so much that I want to do and I have so many dreams and I’ve dreamed of being a NFL cheerleader for as long as I can remember.  And so, yeah, the Denver Broncos.
  • Mom: Horrified face.  Fights back tears.
  • Emily: So it’s just your son and he makes me feel ready and not scared.  I’ve always wanted to get married young and have kids young.  I’ve been average my entire life but I feel like I’ll be an above average wife and mother.

Meanwhile, Ben’s dad calls Emily “very attractive,” and “very young.”  Emily has some alone time with Ben’s dad and tells him that she loves movies and if she could sit around all day, she would watch movies.  And she hates vegetables.

With one rip in her pants too many, her lack of nutritious eating, and her desire to watch movies all day (she’s basically me), Emily pounds the final nail into her proverbial coffin. Poor Em.  She’s such a sweet girl.  And yes, she’s young, and yes, she rambled a bit, but I wouldn’t call her immature.  Maybe slightly naive.  But simply because she wants to be an NFL cheerleader and dyes her hair very very blonde, doesn’t make Emily less deserving of Ben’s love than the next girl.  Maybe she isn’t right for Warsaw, Indiana, but there is definitely some one out there who will love Emily and her twin, exactly as they are.  Maybe even Paul George.  Paul George, you available for my girl Em?

Emily handles the dumping with grace and dignity.  I’m left annoyed by the ABC producers.  Do you really think Ben was considering marrying Emily?  Was this entire date designed to embarrass her?  Was he really just unsure?  What do you guys think?

Ben skips the cocktail party and hands out roses to JoJo, Lauren and Caila.  Becca, looking livid, whispers into Ben’s ear, “why did you do that,”  as though Becca, despite already being on this dumb show once, does not understand the show’s premise.  Apparently she thought threatening him with “don’t blindside me,” meant she couldn’t be eliminated the same way EVERY GIRL gets eliminated.  Now please Becca, don’t come back.  Bye.

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Dragon Breath

The ladies grab their sarongs, sombreros, and string bikinis and head to Mexico City. Ben is confident that with just enough tequila and lime, he can find the woman he’s supposed to marry.  He does not specify if that woman is among the hand selected ABC group, or if he will find his own local mamacita.

The girls arrive at the Four Seasons and Olivia is most excited that she has a bidet.  So many jokes I could make about that, but alas, they are too crass.

One-on-One – Amanda: Let’s Put All Our Eggs in One Basket

Olivia is outraged that Ben would chose her for a one-on-one date.  Doesn’t he know she has… CHILDREN?  The way she says it makes it seem like Amanda has some sort of communicable disease.  Olivia knows children are not what Ben wants.  Um. Really?  Moving on.

Ben decides to surprise the women at 4:30 AM in the hotel room to catch a glimpse of the women in their natural state.  I would have a look of pure hostility on my face.  Nothing makes me more upset than people waking me up.  I wouldn’t even care about the zit cream on my face or the rancid, stagnant toot/ bad breath air (don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about).  I would just be so annoyed with Ben’s perky personality.  Note to husband – nothing makes me dislike you more than when you pop up like a piece of toast and expect me to join suit.  The teacher wears a retainer (totally me), Olivia is unrecognizable and has dragon breath, and Amanda pops out of bed with a face full of flawless makeup and perfectly curled hair.  Right.

Ben takes Amanda and her tiny little voice and bare shoulders on a hot air balloon ride.  I spent the entire date wondering if Amanda’s roots were intentional?  Is that a look?

After the ballon ride, Amanda tells Ben about how her husband was up to no good on his cell phone with other women.  You know what’s ironic?  All these women telling Ben about how their past boyfriends and relationships ended after their partner was unfaithful.  And yet, now they are on the Bachelor…a show that is premised on a dude dating 25 women at the SAME TIME.  Amanda gets the rose.

Group Date

There are seriously some women I’ve never seen before on this date.  Leah?  Who the heck are you!?

The group takes a spanish lesson, which I would bomb. I can’t tell you how frequently I practice trying to roll my Rs with zero success.  One time I rolled my Rs in my sleep and it was glorious.  When Spanish class is over, the girls split into teams of two to go grocery shopping for a cooking contest.  In Mexico they say if you know how to cook, you are ready to get married.

Hey Mexico, the 1950’s called.  They want their motto back.

At the after party, Jubilee starts to slowly deteriorate.  She can’t handle the group date, she’s tired of watching Ben hold hands with other women, she doesn’t have an outgoing personality, Lauren B stole her all white outfit and Olivia’s dragon breath is slowly inducing unconsciousness.

Speaking of Lauren B, while Jubilee starts to have a mental health breakdown, Ben whisks Lauren into the streets of Mexico to make out with her.  When Ben returns, Ben decides it’s time to talk with Jubilee.  He reaches out to take her hand and she rebuffs his attempts.  Probably because you have another woman’s lipstick all over your face.  Just a thought.

The handholding rejection, and general puss-face during group dates, leads Ben to the conclusion that Jubilee will not, in fact, be his wifey.  He makes her leave immediately.  And yet, Dragon Breath remains. Ben rejoins the group and tells them the following: “so um yeah.  Jubilee was someone who I found incredibly intriguing when I first met her.  But now I don’t.  Because she wouldn’t hold my hand in front of your guys.  And that threatened my manhood.  And even though we’re in Mexico and she won the cooking contest and therefore, she’s wife material, she doesn’t like group dates and if my wife doesn’t like it when I date other women, then I don’t want that sort of wife.  Got it?  If I want to date in groups, I’m going to date in groups and my wife better be ok with that.”

The remaining girls all reassure Ben that they are totally fine with him dating as many women as he wants. Dragon Breath got the group date rose.

Second One-on-One Date: Lauren (Kindergarten teacher)

Ben takes Lauren to a fashion show during Mexico City’s fashion week because nothing screams fashion like a kindergarten teacher from Michigan. Miranda Priestly shows up to deliver the news to Lauren that she and Ben will be walking in the fashion show.  They actually manage to do a pretty good job!

At dinner, Lauren tells Ben, wait for it…all about how her ex boyfriend cheated on her.  Is that a new prerequisite for the show?  Bachelor application:

  • Must be willing to show 90% of your skin, regardless of weather conditions
  • Must be willing to make out with Bachelor upon demand, even after Dragon Breath
  • Must be emotionally damaged, including but not limited to the following damaging situations:
    • been cheated on
    • been abused
    • family tragedy
    • used to be fat but then became anorexic
  • Must have body mass index of less than 16
  • Must be less than 25 years of age but older than 20.
  • Must be unemployed or have a job that no self-sufficient woman over the age of 25 would ever dream of having (again, anyone over 25 need not apply)
  • Must fit into shorts you bought in the 6th grade, which really, was not that long ago
  • Must have access to hair extensions, fake eye lashes, and a curling iron
  • Must be willing to say “I do” upon ABC’s demand
  • Must like gaudy rings

Lauren gets the rose.

At the cocktail party, to quote 10 Things I Hate About You, one of the best movies EVER, the shit has hitteth the fan.  While discussing her issues with her ex-husband’s lack of parenting, Olivia tells Amanda it feels like an episode of Teen Mom.

Oh girl.  No you didn’t.  The remaining twin is fed up.  She decides it’s time to pull the blindfold off Ben’s face and tell him all about Dragon Breath’s real personality.

  • Twin: SHE SUCKS.
  • Ben: For real? But she has such a big mouth.
  • Twin: She disrespects me so much.  I’m really upset.
  • Ben: I really appreciate you telling me this.  Between you and me, the ABC producers keep shoving her down my throat.  You too, but that’s a conversation we can have another time.

Right as Ben is about to start handing out roses, Ben asks to speak privately with Olivia.

DUN DUN DUN.

And the show ends.  Will she stay or will she go?!?!

 

 

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Salllllllty

I see London, I see France, I see Andi’s underpants!   Kidding.  Sort of.  Andi and her gang hit the high seas and sail their way to love in Marseille, France.  Upon arrival, Andi puts on a short pleaded leather mini skirt.  It reminds me of a mix between a trash bag and duct tape.    So are they purple, are they pink?  I don’t know but this show stinks!  Again, kidding.  Sort of.

The first date card arrives and the most un-French person ever gets the date:  Josh.  That guy just screams America.  He strikes me as the total “God Bless America and no place else,” type of guy.  The date card is in Francais, so I’m guessing it says something like this: “Dear Josh, I picked you for this date so we can make out all night and I can say “staaaaahhhhppppppp” as many times as I want.  Love, Andi.”

But before Andi and Josh get to make out, Andi has a date with Chris Harrison and the ugliest turtleneck known to man.  True to form, Chris asks Andi, “are you falling in love,” and we get a nice ol’ dose of “stahhhhhppp,” in reply.  Andi admits she’s falling in love with more than one guy.  No worries Andi, so am I.  I fall in love with Patrick Swayze every single time I watch Dirty Dancing.  Same goes for Ryan Gosling in the Notebook.  See?  No biggie.

Josh & Andi’s Date

Josh told Andi on night one that he did not want to be treated like the stereotypical athlete.  There is so much more to Josh’s soul than sport stats, chasing women, illegal performance enhancement drugs, and concussions y’all.  My head is in the game.  I’m ready to treat you like the non-athlete you aren’t.  Until you tell me this date is like a playoff game and marrying Andi is like the Superbowl.  Come on, Josh.  You can’t have it both ways.

Andi and Josh head to a sailboat.  Unfortunately Josh decides to wear Andi’s pants on the date.  Seriously, those are tight.  Careful not to injure the family jewels, Josh.  Apparently they work just fine for making out though since that’s pretty much all that happens on this date.

Snooze.  Rose for Josh.  Two kids from Atlanta.  We are subjected to yet another – ANOTHER- concert.  Andi urges Josh to listen to the words, which for some reason makes this whole thing feel even more awkward.  I don’t want a private concert unless Rod Stewart shows up at my apartment to serenade me.  I would probably pee my pants but it’d be worth it.

Group Date:  Be Mime. 

The date card didn’t say that (it was blank) so once again I took artistic liberties.  Andi borrowed Chris Harrison’s turtleneck for the date.  She takes a group of guys to mime in a town square.  Awkwardness ensues.  At the after party, all sorts of drama goes down.  Nick acts like a cocky [insert bad word here].  He also took a page out of Josh’s book and borrowed a pair of Andi’s pants for the date.  Nothing like tight white pants on a man.  Nothing like it.  Nick says he’s the front-runner.  Am I missing something?  What’s likable about Nick?  Has anyone else noticed his snaggle tooth?  Cody is about to snap Nick in half with his bicep.

Sweet Farmer boy tells Andi there’s some tension.  Andi bullies him into telling her what’s going on.  Andi manipulates the Farmer by telling him that she would expect her husband to tell her everything.  News flash Andi – Chris is not your husband.

Cody tells Andi that Nick is mocking him.  Apparently Cody thinks Andi is his Mother.  “Mommy, Nick made fun of me and my bleached hair, and bulging muscles, and tight clothessssss.”

Andi decides it’s time to get to the bottom of this Nick drama.  She tells Nick he’s “sallllllty,” and that he seems “salty on group dates.”  For some reason the way she said “salty” was worse than hearing nails on a  chalkboard.  Until I hear Nick’s lisp.  Ugh.  Seriously, why is he here?  Andi wants to know why everyone wants to punch Nick in the face so she uses the only manipulation tactic she knows, “if I were your wife, would you tell me?”  Nick replies, “ok fine, fair enough.”  I’m sorry, did I miss something?  The proper response is YOU’RE NOT MY WIFE!  Ahhhhh!  Then Andi starts making out with him.  Give. me. a. break.  Or should I say, cue the groans?

Marcus, the resident Guard-and-Protect-Your-Heart guy is, of course, falling in love with Andi.  Why wouldn’t he be?  It’s only been like a hot minute.  Instead of filing a restraining order, Andi embraces Marcus with a kiss.

The drama continues after Marquel hears that Patrick called him a racist name.  Marquel handles the matter with dignity, class, and maturity.  I really like him.  Marquel for Bachelor!  Andrew denies the allegations.  Can we please vote Andrew off the island?  #gohome.

JJ the pants dude gets the rose.  Nick gets knocked down a peg.

Brian one on one date

Oh my god.  It’s one of these dates- an ABC sponsored movie.  Fast forward. After the movie, the two head to a market to shop for dinner.  The plan is to go back to “Andi’s” apartment to cook dinner together.  Because Andi’s lost all touch with reality, she believes this will be just like a movie: romantic and sexy.  She obviously hasn’t cooked dinner with someone who doesn’t know how to cook.  It’s disastrous.  I once asked my ex-boyfriend to cut up a red pepper and he started to cry.  Seriously.  It was a “recipe” for disaster.  I don’t want to put too much “stock” in the pepper incident, but I basically had to call it off after that.  Mostly kidding.  Mostly.

It’s a disaster for Brian and Andi too.  Brian doesn’t know how to cook- unless a $1.00 Totino’s pizza counts.  Andi’s disappointed that Brian isn’t romantic in the kitchen.  Apparently Andi thought this would be just like the movie Chocolat, but instead it’s more like the documentary Supersize Me.

Dinner is unsalvageable so Brian and Andi head to a sidewalk to dine al fresco.  If you ask me, that’s more romantic than raw frog legs.  In Andi’s unrealistic eyes, Brian redeems himself by taking Andi to an empty kitchen to make out with her.  He gets the rose.

Rose Ceremony 

At the rose ceremony, the guys are pleasantly surprised to see Elaine from Seinfeld:

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Well actually, just her hair:

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It was big.  Really really big.  It also reminds me of Elvira:

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While Andi and her bouffant hair hand out the roses, I notice something else strange about this ceremony.  She has a grimace on her face the entire time and she picks up each rose and holds them in front of her like she’s performing some sort of witchcraft ritual.  She probably has a pot of witches brew simmering in back with the left-over frog legs.  I blame the hair.

Going home are Marquel (boo), Andrew (yay!), and Andrew’s lover, Patrick.  Patrick is totally dumbfounded when he leaves the show.  Luckily for us, he gives us this gem, “I’ve heard from multiple people, not just girls, that I have qualities that are really paramount when it comes to being a husband.”  Not just girls?  If Andrew said you were husband material Patrick, then go with it!  Pick him!

Next week, Andi heads to Venice. I’m bummed she’s hitting up my turf.  I don’t want it spoiled with Bachelorette non-sense. Yes, that’s right.  Italy is my turf.  Is that so unrealistic? Until next time…

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I want to die if I have to hear “it’s ok” again

Saint Lucia.  The last time the Bachelor stepped foot in Saint Lucia was when Jake Pavelka was the leading man.  Now, we’re back on the island and Juan Pablo is the leading man.  I think the Bachelor is sending us a message: the worst Bachelors EVER will always conclude in Saint Lucia. And their initials will be J.P.  So it’s off to Saint Lucia for the overnight dates filled with STDs drama like we’ve never seen before, promised to us by Chris Harrison.

Juan Pablo says he is thrilled that it’s overnights this week because there are no cameras and that means he’s free to use all three girls for sex privacy.

First Overnight Date: Clare 

Juan Pablo chooses Clare for his first overnight date because he knows she’s a sure thing.  He’d rather not have any surprises after 4 weeks of tortured celibacy (with the exception of the ocean transgression).

Clare says that if you told her a year ago she’d be standing in St. Lucia, with the man of her dreams, falling in love, she wouldn’t believe it.  I can only assume she means Chris Harrison. I refuse to believe there is a warm-blooded female in this world who would actually call Juan Pablo the man of her dreams.  I feel sad that the man of Clare’s dreams is about to have sex with two other people.  Juan Pablo takes Clare to a yacht to spend the day.  Seriously, are helicopter so 2010?  It’s all about the yacht.

Clare is grappling with whether she should spend the night with Juan Pablo because she doesn’t want genital herpes to set a bad example for Cameeeeeeela.

In case you didn’t hear Juan Pablo the first 50 times, he explains the fantasy suite is totally private– no cameras– an “opportunity to get to know each other better.  A LOT better.”  He might as well have winked.  We get it Juan Pablo; you are going take Clare back to the nightmare fantasy suite and repeat your ocean performance on dry land.  

The fantasy suite card arrives with the usual invitation from Chris Harrison to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.  JP is practically drooling.  He needs his privacy! Clare is not so sure.  She brings up Vietnam.  She doesn’t want to set a bad example for Cameeeela. Juan Pablo says he doesn’t give a rat’s you know what about Cameeeela because it’s fantasy suite night and gosh darn it, he’s going to USE the fantasy suite.

That leads me to things less disgusting than the fantasy suite:

  • Errant hairs on your hotel sheets
  • The smell of vomit
  • Eating a hair in your restaurant soup
  • Drinking spoiled milk
  • Pee on toilet seats
  • Seeing a nail clipping on the floor
  • Boils.  Like ones coming out of people’s faces.
  • Sharts

Clare is, “just like loving, falling in love with [Juan Pablo].”

Sloppy Second Fantasy Suite Date: Andi 

Andi and Juan Pablo go shopping downtown Saint Lucia.  It was the same date we’ve seen 27 times before on every tropical island.

When Juan Pablo is done pretending to care about the little local kids, he takes Andi in a land buggy to a secluded area next to a waterfall.  Andi is officially the waterfall chick.  Andi asks Juan Pablo what he talked to her family about during the hometown date.  I officially hate Juan Pablo.  His voice gets high pitched and defensive when he talks about Andi’s dad. I want to punch him in the face.  Apparently Juan Pablo’s insanely annoying attitude and voice do not bother Andi.  She’s more than happy to make out with him under the waterfall.

Andi and Juan Pablo chit chat and I get bored.  Turns out Juan Pablo talking is just as boring Juan Pablo not talking.  Andi agrees to the fantasy suite.

In the morning, Juan Pablo said the fantasy suite was good — in fact, he didn’t know it was going to be THAT good.  Andi tells the camera, “waking up, I couldn’t wait to get out of the fantasy suite.”  I can only assume she needed to see a gynecologist ASAP.  She says, “the fantasy suite turned into a nightmare.”  She said the whole night was a disaster.  She saw a side to him she did not like.  Like his naked side?  Yikes.  Andi realizes that he doesn’t care about who she was, what she thinks and what she wants.  Ummm hello! Obviously he doesn’t care about you, or ANY of you!  Andi’s also mad that he talked about Clare’s overnight date and his lack of filter.  She finds Juan Pablo offensive.

I get it Andi.  So do same-sex, committed couples.  I wish Clare would also get it.  He’s offensive.  Period.

Third Fantasy Suite Date: Nikki

I can only assume Nurse Nikki has to go third because all the producers think she’s an awful person. Payback time.  Nurse Nikki wants Juan Pablo to know up front she knows what the fantasy suite is all about and she’s on board.  To drive home the message, Nurse Nikki decides wearing a shirt is not necessary on her date.  And wearing really hideous pants will also send a message: poor judgment.

nikki-hp

photo source: http://grantland.com/hollywood-prospectus/grtfl-bachelor-real-world-survivor-juan-pablo-andi-cliff-robinson/

I can only assume Nurse Nikki smoked something before she picked out that outfit.  They go horseback riding and Juan Pablo calls her sexy two times in Spanish.  Juan Pablo says more times than he used Cameeeeeela as an excuse that he can’t WAIT for tonight.

Nurse Nikki and Juan Pablo head to the fantasy suite.  Enough said.

Andi’s Boots Were Made For Walkin’

Andi listens to Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots Are Made for Walkin'” on repeat until she feels just angry enough to confront Juan Pablo.

Here’s how the conversation went down:

  • Andi:  I realized I wasn’t in love with you and that I wasn’t going to be and this isn’t going to work.
  • Juan Pablo:  That’s ok. Eeeeet’s ok.
  • Andi: It shouldn’t just be OK.  I left behind all this stuff and I put myself out there.  It’s not ok.  You saying it’s ok bothers me.
  • Juan Pablo:  I cannot force you to feel something for me.
  • Andi: You saying “it’s ok” seems like you don’t care.
  • Juan Pablo: English is my second language.  And I have a daughter.  Her name is Cameeela.
  • Andi: You don’t even know who I am.  I want to die if I have to hear “it’s ok” again.  I want you to feel something.
  • Juan Pablo: Eeet’s ok.
  • Andi:  Do you think the fantasy suite date night went well?  Because you gave me a really weird rash.
  • Juan Pablo:  I told you I got that from Clare.
  • Andi: I don’t want you to talk about Clare during my overnight.
  • Juan Pablo: Eeeeet’s fine.
  • Andi: There is a difference between being honest and being an asshole.  You told me I was here by default.
  • Juan Pablo: I don’t know what default means. I don’t speak English.
  • Andi:  Do you have any idea what religion I practice, what my political views are?  Do you have any idea?
  • Juan Pablo: I have no idea.  But I know your bra cup size and that’s what really matters.

Whether you are on team Andi or team Juan Pablo, I don’t care.  All I know is Juan Pablo is the worst Bachelor ever.  Juan Pablo says he’s not going to argue with a lawyer.  Since I’m one, I assume he’ll just agree with my statement. But, eeeeeet’s ok.

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We Can Love our Pets, but we need to be in love

It’s Friday night and I’m blogging and babysitting.  Now THAT is a raucous Friday night!  On average, how many IQ points do you think you lost watching a cumulative FOUR HOURS worth of Juan Pablo this week?  Well, in the words of Juan Pablo, eeeeeets ooookay.  We’re in this together.

With 20 less IQ points than I had last week, I bring you this two-part update.  Eeeeeets ok, let’s just get started.

It’s hometown dates.  I practically salivated imagining the dysfunctional families we were about to meet.  Would there be another family with a basement full of dead animals?  Perhaps another memorial service for a dead dove in the backyard?  Or how about someone with some sense?  Maybe someone who sees Juan Pablo for what he is?  A scumbag?  Let’s find out.  Eeeeets ok.

Nurse Nikki’s Kansas City Hometown Date

Nurse Nikki is so ex-sigh-ted to have Juan Pablo in her home town of KC.  She suddenly developed a Southern accent upon here return from “literally” traveling around the world.  Thanks for clearing that up for me Nikki.  All night long I would have though you traveled all over the world, figuratively.  On a side note, could you EVER imagine Juan Pablo living in KC?  It’s pretty much the anti-Miami.  But sure, whatever.

I don’t understand why Nikki is acting like she lives in Texas, but again, sure whatever.  She wants a cowboy (again, Juan Pablo, a cowboy?  He’s the anti-cowboy).  She takes Juan Pablo to Oklahoma Joe’s BBQ.  I like Nurse Nikki only for a fleeting second because I have eaten there and it is delish.  When I’m done drooling, I’m back to hating Nikki.  Sadly, Juan Pablo is the most animated I’ve ever seen him over the BBQ sauce.  Then they ride a mechanical bull.  Again, Nikki, you live in KC – not Texas.  Ugh. This is so stupid.  I really should have named my blog that instead, “Ugh.  This is so stupid.”

Just when I feel like I’ve had all I can handle in the first 7 minutes of this show, it’s time to meet Nikki’s family.  Her dad puts the finishing touches on Nikki’s prenup and makes sure Nikki’s trust fund has provisions prohibiting anyone named Juan Pablo to ever have access to that money.  In the words of Kanye…I ain’t sayin’ he’s a gold digger.  (I’m actually just saying he’s a fame digger).

Back at Nikki’s mansh, JP meets Nikki’s butler, au pair, dad, mom, the family lawyer named Stanley, and the chauffeur.  Nikki’s dad made sure his hair was parted as far to the side as possible.  He doesn’t want Juan Pablo to have any confusion – it’s the republican side-part hairstyle.  (PS, I found this amazing article about presidential hair parting from the New York Times in 1904!) If you are a Republican and I’ve just insulted you, I’m sorry.  But that hair was REALLY something.  After I got over Nikki’s dad’s televangelist hair, I realized she was complaining about riding in coach to Asia.

Poor oppressed Nikki!  Coach?!  How could ABC subject you to such unthinkable horrors? I hope the next time they pay to “literally” fly you around the world, on their dime, they really consider not making you ride in the third class of Titanic.  Or at least I hope they let you bring your au pair along.

The rest of the hometown is a snooze.   Nikki is, like, BEST FRIENDS, with her mom.  And she is definitely in love with Juan Pablo.  Is Nikki’s dad legitimately a televangelist?  He reminds me of one.  His voice seems like it could garner a following.  Her dad basically says don’t propose to my kid.  One point for dad.  Dad presses Nikki on why Juan Pablo is the one.  Nikki says she can’t really articulate it, but she KNOWS it’s right.  Sure it is honey, sure it is.  It’s as right as that side part.  Nurse Nikki says she is ready to be a step-mother because she agreed to double her au pair’s salary in Miami.

Atlanta Andi’s Hometown Date

Again, I don’t know why all these girls think they are in Texas, but Andi takes Juan Pablo to a shooting range.  That is really annoying to me.  You bring someone to your hometown and you do something (stupid) that you can do anywhere in the country?  That’s what Atlanta has to offer?  Thanks, but no thanks.

If Juan Pablo came to my hometown, named the Gayest City in America, I’d make sure he witnessed a same-sex marriage.  I know how much he likes and respects same-sex couples.

Anyway, back to Atlanta Andi.  Andi’s dad is unimpressed that Juan Pablo has spent a cumulative 97 minutes alone with Andi since this journey began.  That’s right folks, Andi has only had ONE date alone with this creep fantastic catch that ABC is shoving down our throats.  Andi’s dad sneaks into the kitchen to double up on his blood pressure medication.  He also practices some deep breathing exercises to prevent himself from punching Juan Pablo in the face.

When Andi’s dad cools down, he sits down with Juan Pablo and tells him the most sane thing I’ve EVER heard on this show.  He will not give Juan Pablo his blessing to marry his daughter “because the person who that is going to be good enough for [his] daughter is going to come to [him] and say there is no one else in the world.”  He follows it with, if that happens with you, we’ll have that discussion at a later time.  Andi’s dad knows Juan Pablo will never be around for that discussion.  Juan Pablo knows he’ll never be a “no one else in the world,” kind of guy. He’s more of a “25 women at once,” kind of guy.

Andi’s sister says she doesn’t see it.  Andi cries.  I think they are drunk tears.  But her family’s blatant disgust with Juan Pablo won’t bring her down.  She says she is CLOSE to being in love with Juan Pablo.  My favorite part of the hometown date was the family debriefing.  It reminded me of my family.  We love a good debrief.

Counselor Renee’s Sarasota Hometown Date

Renee’s son is the cutest, sweetest thing about this show.  I expected nothing less though seeing as Renee is the nicest Bachelor contestant ever.  And that’s the hometown date in a nutshell!

Oh and Renee has a really cute brother.  Renee’s mom tells her “we can love our pets, but we need to be in love.”  I love my cat.  But a cat does not a husband make!  Try telling my sister that when she was 10.  Moving on.

Clare’s California Hometown Date

I know some people think Clare is crazy (namely Nikki) but I just don’t agree.  Laura’s crazy.  Juan Pablo gets to meet Clare’s five older sisters and Clare’s momma (sorta).

There are two memorable things about this hometown date.  First, the Clare clan calls their deceased father, daddy.  Over and over again.  There is something really weird about grownups calling their parents mommy and daddy.  The only time I call my dad “daddy” is to annoy him.  Second, Laura doesn’t allow “momma” to talk to Clare.  Clare tells Laura MOMMA is allowed to speak for herself.  When the two of them go back and forth, with momma sitting mutely in the middle, I start to wonder if momma really CAN speak for herself?  Can she speak?  Or does she not speak English?  Momma done say NOTHIN’ during this sister spat.  Laura says Clare is manipulating momma.  Momma stays silent.  Why doesn’t MOMMA regulate this fight?!  Come on Momma!

Eventually Momma chats, in Spanish, with Juan Pablo.  I guess she is capable of talking.  Just not with Laura and Clare.  That evil manipulator. How dare she ask her Momma for her opinion!

Rose Ceremony

We all know what’s coming.  Three things.  Short, tight dresses that originally belonged to cross-dressing street walkers, Renee’s elimination and Renee’s enduring class, graciousness and dignity.  She’s clearly way too nice for this show.  All we care about are the Nikki’s, Courtney’s and Teirra’s of this world.

What we didn’t see coming was a pigeon dropping a sandwich on Renee’s head.  I’ll be back soon with the MOST DRAMATIC OVERNIGHT DATES EVER!  Chris Harrison you liar.

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I plan for her a very aaaa-ven-tur-ahhs dateeee

Cynicism.  I’ve got it.  When Conan took over for Jay Leno and was subsequently booted so cry baby Jay could have his job back (BOO) I watched earnestly as Conan said goodbye with total grace and dignity to his dream job he held for a only a few short months .  In his goodbye, Conan said something that has stuck with me and always will.  Here’s the clip:

It’s excellent life advice.  But lately I just can’t help but feel cynical watching this nightmare of a show week after week.  Is it Juan Pablo?  Is it the girls?  Is it everything?  Is it the over the top dates?  Maybe it’s all of the above.  But this show has gotten so off course from where it started and Juan Pablo is the furthest thing from wanting a wife.  Obviously I can’t follow Conan’s advice and write this blog.  This whole blog is based on cynicism.  I really hope that if I get to meet Conan some day he never knows about this blog.  So with a little dose of cynicism, here I go…

Juan Pablo and his gaggle of girls head to New Zealand for some make out time. Juan Pablo says New Zealand is the perfect place to find love and fall in love.  Right.

First Date: Andi, Let’s Heat Things Up

Juan Pablo says Aaandeee has it going on and he “plan for her a very aaa-ven-tur-ahhs date.”  Yes, you read that correct.  1)  Juan Pablo can’t say planned and 2) Juan Pablo believes he “plan” the date.  I’m sure.  I’m as sure as that as I am that I’m about to be struck with a lightening bolt. Listen guys, Conan didn’t say squat about sarcasm.

Juan Pablo takes Andi on a speed boat ride in the middle of the New Zealand winter.  It reminds me of our annual Memorial Day boat riding that my family and I take.  It’s usually around 40 degrees and sometimes there’s still ice on the water.  We have to wear scarfs and blankets when we go over 40 mph.  It’s super fun! Luckily at the end of our boat rides nobody tells me I have to get in the water.  No such luck for Andi.  She puts on a brave face and hops into the foreign, murky, freezing cold water.  Oh the things you do for fame love.  Juan Pablo guides Andi through some narrow cannons.  And I mean narrow.  JP’s giant ego could barely fit between those rocks. Clare obviously wasn’t asked to participate in this date because her boobs would have never been able to squeeze through some of those really tight spots.  At times I couldn’t remember if I was watching the Bachelor or watching the 20/20 episode about the man who got trapped rock climbing and had to cut off his own arm.

Please Andi, don’t have an anxiety attack.  ABC you stink. Juan Pablo says Andi need to trust him.  No she doesn’t.  Once again, this is not how you build trust.  Eventually the path opens up and Juan Pablo and Andi are immersed in a hot spring.  Juan Pablo stops and frisks Andi and she does not object even without a reasonable articulation of illegal activity.  No sir, Andi consents to this frisk.  Hell, she’d even consent to a search.  They aggressively make out under a waterfall and JP forgets all about his daughter and setting a “good example.”  Raise your hands for hypocrisy!

After the date, Juan Pablo takes Andi to dinner in front of a geyser.  Thanks to Big Pharma all I can think of is erectile dysfunction commercials.  Maybe JP is sending some sort of subliminal message.  The geyser turbulently ejects water, spraying Andi and Juan Pablo.  Andi pouts that the geyser has ruined her date.  Actually, Juan Pablo ruined your date.  Because you’re on a date with Juan Pablo.

I meant to bring this up earlier but I noticed Andi’s other favorite catch-phrase besides “honestly” is “at the end of the day.”  I feel like that phrase is totally bull.  At the end of the day all that matters is blah blah blah.  Well that’s sort of true but I don’t want the rest of my day to totally suck.  But alas, at the end of the day, Rose for Andi.  Honestly.

Group Date: Come Play With My Balls

Nobody should ever be allowed to come on this show and utter the following words, “today is my 22nd birthday!”  22 years old!  I have underwear that’s older than 22 years old.  Seriously, I probably need some new undies that don’t have holes or snowmen on them.  Anyway, in case you don’t hear Cassandra tell you 57 times, today IS her 22nd birthday.  And because she’s 22 years old, she’s dropping the Pablo from Juan’s name.  He’s just Juan now.

The girls slip into tiny swimsuits that actually used to belong to their American Girl Dolls.  Waiting for them are giant balls, with a slipe-n-slide entrance and some water inside.  The balls roll down a hill and Juan Pablo generously offers to make out with them each individually as they slide down the hill.  What a stand up guy!  If Juan Pablo wasn’t there ruining the ball experience, I would definitely want to  try that.

800px-Zorbing

photo source: Wikipedia

After they are done playing with Juan Pablo’s big balls, the group heads to a cocktail party.  Juan Pablo continues his make-out quest.  In order, he makes out with Renee, Nikki, Sharleen, and pretty much everyone else except Kat and Cassandra.

Sharleen continues to act weird and unsure of her feeling for the Bachelor.  She is fairly certain she would have stronger feelings for the Bachelorette.

Cassandra realizes now that she’s 22 years old she’s ready to take “Juan” home to be Tray’s new daddy.  She feels like the luckiest girl alive for meeting Juan.  Then Juan tells her he has a special birthday present and it’s a ride in the rejection limo!  And a plane ticket home.

Sharleen gets the date rose, reluctantly accepts it and curses the fact that she didn’t get to participate on Emily’s season.

ABC decides to play the most horrific, unconscionable music during Cassandra’s birthday rejection limo ride.  What is up with the sporadic and always horrendous music selections this season?

Second One on One Date: Let’s Make Out But Just Not In the Ocean Because That’s Crossing the Line

Clare gets the second one on one date.  She needs an apology from Juan Pablo after he slut-shamed her.  Amazingly enough, there is an entire Wikipedia page dedicated to slut-shaming!  Who knew.  Also, if I ever dated someone who “slut-shamed” me, don’t worry buddy, no apology necessary.  You’ll never see me again.  I wish Clare could say the same…

Here’s what transpired:

  • JP: I was worried because you felt horrible for being such a whore.  But now you’ve learned from me.
  • Clare: I appreciate that.  I was just in the moment.
  • JP: You will learn these things when you have children.  I couldn’t say no because I would devastate you.
  • Clare: So what are our boundaries?
  • JP: I don’t want to ever let you meet Cameeeeeeeeeela.
  • Clare:  But what did we do that was inappropriate?
  • JP: You made me go in the ocean at 4 AM.  This is all your fault.Break in conversation while JP and Clare make-out.  

Clare is so happy they talked things through and Juan Pablo apologized.

Raise your hand if you’re completely confused.  (Hand raised).  Where was the apology?  Why is it inappropriate to make out in the ocean but not make out with 100 girls in a row on dry land?  Why wasn’t it inappropriate to make out in a hot tub/ pool?  Oh I guess it’s because you didn’t just make out in the ocean–you had s-e-x.  Also, Juan Pablo’s rules only apply when they are convenient for him, like using his daughter to reject people.  Is anyone else wondering why Juan Pablo’s 4 year old daughter would ever be allowed to watch this show?

He is such an outstanding parent.

Clare gets a rose. Juan Pablo makes out with her some more but he’s making sure to be a good example for Cameeeeeela by making out with her in a living room, instead of an ocean.

Rose Ceremony 

Nikki and  Juan Pablo have a conversation in which they say absolutely nothing.  She makes sure to maintain her trend of wearing dresses too small and too short.  This time she adds an 80’s twist with some sheer black nylons and an off the shoulder red dress.  Renee proceeds to prove she’s the only stable person in the house.  Kat spills her secrets about her troubled childhood.  Sharleen cries thinking about which girl will leave tonight.

Juan Pablo decides Kat’s gotta go because let’s face it, he hasn’t made out with her yet.  Kat leaves.  Sharleen bawls.

Next week the crew heads to Miami.  Renee, the only person who has heard of Miami by Will Smith starts to rap, “Party in the city where the heat is on, all night on the beach till the break of dawn, welcome to Miami (bienvenido a miami).”  In case you’re wondering, that song came out in 1998.  Ah 8th grade, good times!

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Cheers to finding love, being loved, and making love

Tonight on the Bachelor…

It’s infinity scarf week in Vietnam for the remaining 11 women.    As Allie explains, “it’s really setting the scene for a good love story.”  Little did she know the love story was about Juan Pablo and Clare.  Sidebar: Allie is the girl who plays soccer and is from Chicago but looks like Andi, who is the soon to be unemployed DA from Georgia, who looks like Allie.  Got that?  Good.

First Date: Renee, Are We the Right Fit

It’s the pretty woman date, Vietnam style.  The pretty woman date  is notoriously the kiss of death on this show.  Here’s hoping it’s not Renee’s kiss of death (even though she’s dying for a kiss of any type).  Juan Pablo pedals her around on a bike in some Vietnamese town.

Have any of you been on one of those pedi-cab things?  When I was young and cute (a prime Bachelor candidate but for that one pesky trait I just can’t seem to shake…good judgment) my sister and I were in Savannah, Georgia when a pedi-cabbie insisted on giving us a ride.  Even though we said no 15 times, we still ended up on that dumb thing.

He pedals her to a dress shop for a custom made dress.  For only $0.05, Renee gets a traditional Vietnamese dress in 5 minutes.  Ahh child labor.  Renee sweats profusely during the fitting because 1) it’s awkward, 2) it’s 107 degrees there, 3) she doesn’t love the idea of violating human rights but doesn’t want to offend Juan Pablo.  I mean, if he’s so anti same-sex couples, who says he’s not anti child labor?  What was the word he used?  Oh I remember… pervert.  After the dress fitting, the Brady Bunch buy presents for their kids while Renee wills JP to kiss her.

Juan Pablo and the only person he hasn’t kissed yet head to dinner.  Renee is just such a sweet heart, I have nothing but lovely thoughts about her.  She needs to run away from him.

Meanwhile, back at the house, the second date card arrives.  With the second date card, we find out that this week’s petulant child of the week is Andi!  She cannot believe she has to go on yet again another group date.

Juan Pablo asks Renee, “Rennaayyyy, will you ass-epp this rose?”  She ass-epps.  Then he takes her to one of these “make a wish” locations that seemingly every country has and naturally she wishes for a kiss.   It was a wasted wish though because JP decided there would be no kiss on this date.  Boo Renee, next time you need to wish for something better than germs from Juan Pablo and the 6 other girls he’s swapped saliva with.  Like winning the lottery.  The only “make a wish” activities I’ve done is breaking the wish-bone from some sort of bird carcass.  Nothing says romance like chicken bones. 

Group Date: Juan Pablo, Clare, and some other girls he has to pretend to be into 

The girls opt to leave their infinity scarves at home and instead wear their pre-teen sisters’ jean shorts.  The girls will be boating down a river in a traditional Vietnamese boat.  JP instructs them to pair off.  Clare-bear is left standing alone.  Dog-lover tells us this is because she has no friends.  But friends does not a lover make, and Clare knows this so off she goes in Juan Pablo’s boat.  That’s 1 for Clare, 0 for Dog-lover. Because Juan Pablo always wants to set a good example for Cameeeeela, he seizes an opportunity to make out with Clare in front of the other girls when he thinks they can’t see him.  Even though he’s out in the open.  In a boat.  Such a class act, that Juan Pablo!

The petulant child, Andi, is not happy.  She did not know she was going to watch Clare’s one-on-one date on the group date.

Back at the house, Nikki tells the camera that going on another group date would have “sucked” and if she were on the group date she might not get the rose.  Then she rolls her eyes in irritation with herself and says,”that would just be stupid, I always do [get the rose].”  Oh Nikki, you are just such a sweet person – I can see why that snotty attitude and conceitedness would translate so well with children.

At the group date, Chelsie says she’s having a really romantic date with Allie, her boat partner.  She’s less enthused about Juan Pablo and Clare’s date.  After the boating trip, the group wanders around and Juan Pablo pretends to approach a total stranger and ask for food.  Whatever ABC.

Andi is still throwing a tantrum.  She starts with her favorite word, “honestly,” and tells Juan Pablo she’s just tired of group dates (has anyone else notice her affinity for the word honestly?  I mean, honestly!) He says “trust me,” and she feels totally fine after that.  After the girls are done in the fields, they eat.  Clare pretends to eat because she doesn’t eat anything but fro-yo.  Kidding.  I am sure she also drinks Starbucks.  Clare decides she doesn’t care if the girls hate her ’cause she’s just being Miley Clare.

At the after party, Juan Pablo toasts to an amaccc-ing date.  They all have the most fun tropical drinks I’ve ever seen.  Andi’s has an entire apple on top (I think that’s an apple?)  As soon as the toast is out of the way, JP decides it’s appropriate to continue his one-on-one date with Clare.  He takes her away to his private room for some sexy swimming time while the rest of his “dates” or “girl friends” wait for him.  That’s not disrespectful at all.  Oh and again, what a great example for Cameeeela.   Perv.  When Juan Pablo finally pulls his tongue out of Clare’s mouth, he decides he better spend some time with some of the other girls.  That means making out with Sharleen and Andi in quick succession. Como se dice “disgusting?”  Perverto.  Sharleen says the word organic again.  I still don’t know what that means.  I do know that I switched to organic milk this week and am totally in love.  Maybe that’s what she means?

Just when I thought organic was the weirdest way to describe a relationship, she came up with this doozy, “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.”  Um. Ok.  That means so many things such as 1) you want to stand out/ be unique 2) you think pandas are the cutest kind of bear (not so)  3) you like bamboo and China or 4) you are really hairy.

Group date rose goes to Clare.  Andi is mad.  “In all honesty,” she really thought she’d get the rose.  Listen, Andi, in all honesty, I will always assume you are being honest until proven otherwise.  So honestly, you can stop saying honestly now.  Honestly.

When the group date is over, Clare fakes going to bed to instead fulfill a life-long bucket list goal of swimming in the ocean.  Well, Clare.  I’d like to call BS on that.  You know, since you are from California and all that.  To use a line from Andi, honestly.  What you really meant was you’d like to fulfill a lifelong goal of having sex with Juan Pablo in the ocean in Vietnam.  That’s a more accurate goal description.  Is it weird that my bucket list goals are so much bigger than that?  Like writing a novel?

At 4:00 AM, Clare rings the bell at Juan Pablo’s house and invites him to take a dip in the ocean.  But by dip, she means sex.  They run into the ocean.  Clare tells the confession cam, “it was like heaven on earth.”  Juan Pablo says Clare was on fire.  Then he says fire like 7 times in Spanish.  “The waves were wild, and we got a little wild ourselves,” Juan Pablo confessed.  Clare said, “we just went for it, and I don’t regret it.  Pure bliss.  In every way.” I know this show is all about editing.  But come on.  These two totally had sex.  In the ocean.  At 4 AM.  Nobody describes jumping in the ocean (especially someone who lives in a state on the ocean) as “pure bliss, in every way.”  In her post-coital haze, Clare proclaims “hands down one of the best nights of my entire life.  We all deserve to feel that amazing, amazing feeling.”  Then she says something about being a giraffe and having wobbly legs.

Second One-on-One Date: Nurse Nikki

Talk about sloppy seconds.  For the date, Nurse Nikki decides to steal a look from the Free Spirit and wear a headband across her forehead.  She also borrows some shorts from Chris Harrison’s 11 year old daughter.  Truthfully, if I were 97 lbs and didn’t have cellulite, I’d wear clothes from the Limited Too too.  I’m actually not sure where 13 year old girls shop anymore.  Abercrombie?

Nurse Nikki and Juan Pablo meet up and Nurse Nikki once again fails to make eye contact while she talks to Juan Pablo.  Juan Pablo takes Nurse Nikki to a cave into which they will repel.  She has anxiety, he calms her, she says this is just like falling in love, blah blah blah.  Same story, different venue.   Nikki finally understands Plato’s Allegory of the Cave and vows to reread the Republic.  Actually she vows to read it for the first time ever because she remembered that due to a Phi Cappa Cappa toga party, she just couldn’t get to it.

All I can think about is this sad Zoloft commercial that used to make my roommate and me cry over in college.  It was this poor little lonely egg trapped in a cave!  Maybe we needed some Zoloft…

commercial_zoloft_cave

When Nurse Nikki and Juan Pablo are out of the cave they head to dinner.  Unfortunately Nikki forgot pants but decided her yoga tank top would make a nice dress.  She realizes she’s one sneeze away from showing Juan Pablo her…well, you know what…but she realizes it’s worth it if she’s ever going to find a husband.  Drastic times call for drastic measures.

Juan Pablo tells Nikki he is tired because he didn’t get much sleep last night.  Ugh.  I bet you are.

Nikki says she is not a morning person and that “not everybody is sunshine and rainbows all the time.”  I KNOW you aren’t….

nurse nikki

Is this chick too young for Rainbow Brite?  She was definitely all sunshine and rainbows all the time.  Rose for Nurse Nikki.

Rose Ceremony 

The girls gather on couches under some colorful lanterns and wait for Clare’s boyfriend to arrive.  When he does, he drops a bomb on them – 3 people are headed home tonight.  The girls sit in awkward silence but Clare, still feeling blissful, proposes a toast: “cheers to finding love, being loved, and making love.”  Clare giggles, the girls glare, and Juan Pablo starts to sweat.  He needs to talk to Clare soon to find out if she was able to track down some Plan B.  He’s seriously worried about this being a reality:

clare and jp

But before that happens, Juan Pablo and Renee finally kiss. Renee was as excited as a little school girl.  It was pretty cute.  I wonder how that kiss would feel knowing he just had sex with someone else?

Juan Pablo pulls a Mesnick over the balcony while he agonizes over his Clare tryst.  He finds Clare and asks if anyone knows about what happened.  Clare says no.  Juan Pablo puts on an “I’m an asshole” shirt and tells Clare that their little love affair was “a little weird for me.”  He tells her it wasn’t right because he is trying to get to know everyone carnally and he needs to be fair.  He tells her it’s about fairness 10 times and when that doesn’t work with Clare, he pulls out his daughter card.

  • JP: I have a daughter.  I don’t want her to see what happened.  I don’t want her to see that you tricked me into the ocean and took advantage of me.  I was not a willing participant in your charade because your sexual prowess overcame me.  You are a terrible example for my kid.  What’s her name?  Whatever.  This is all your fault.
  • Clare:  [looks away, starts to cry, shakes head]
  • JP: Look at me.  HEY.  Look at me!  Listen to me!
  • Clare:  I feel stupid and embarrassed.
  • JP:  I’ll never tell you anything else again since you’re crying now.

Clare goes back to the cocktail party and her feelings are hurt (umm rightfully so Clare).  I officially hate Juan Pablo.  What a total !#!(*@(#*@&#@(* (insert your desired expletive).  What sort of person willfully jumps into the ocean with someone, presumably has sex with said person, and then tells them they can’t put them in that position again.  As though she took advantage of him?  And now he’s trying to make her feel like a slut?  Unbelievable.  Hey Juan Pablo, want to be a good example for Cammmeeeeeeeeela?  Don’t use women and then make THEM feel bad about it.  Or better yet, don’t be on this show.

Danielle, Dog Lover, and Alli all leave the show rose-less and STD-less.  Lucky ladies.  Sharleen sobs over the departure of one of these ladies.  Are you SURE you’re into Juan Pablo and his kind, Sharleen?

So, what do you guys think?  Did they or didn’t they?  Weigh in!

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Everybody Watch Your Back, We Have a Tierra-rist On Our Hands.

I’m in love. 100%, head-over-heels, in love. I’m a smitten-kitten.

I want to wake up every morning to this view:

fairmont_chateau_lake_louise

That’s right ladies, I’m in love with Lake Louise! I’d even go so far as to say it might be worth putting up with Sean’s vomit-inducing kissing just to see that turquoise water. Never mind. Nothing is worth that. Seriously Sean, you should have listened to Arie. Who kisses like you?!?!?! How many of those girls are completely repulsed? I’d say all but Tierra!

Anyway, Sean and his 9 remaining “girl friends” head to Canada, eh! The Almighty CH is no where to be seen. An APB for Chris Harrison was sent out, unanswered.

First One-on-One: Catherine

I’m immediately excited that Catherine gets the one-on-one date (although I’m less excited that she’s going on the date with Sean). We haven’t seen a lot of Catherine but she is so cute and seems to have both sweetness and substance. Imagine that! When Catherine first stepped out of the limo I gasped – it was Winnie from the Wonder Years!

Winnie:

Danica-mckellar teen years

Catherine:

catherine

It’s bizarre how everyone looks like a celebrity to me this season. Anyway, Catherine puts on her thinnest coat possible and meets Sean in the coldest place possible. Sean shows up with a giant snow bus and I have to admit the thing looked like a lot of fun. Sean drove them (probably like 5 feet before ABC’s liability insurance ran out) to a spot to participate in some sledding and other snow romping activities. The couple sipped on some hot chocolate (undoubtedly spiked – I’m not judging by the way, I prefer mine spiked!). The most amazing part of the date? I only rolled my eyes once! Catherine said something like “when I’m with Sean, I’m not cold.” Ok whatever Catherine. It’s -123 with windchill of -239 and you have lost all your toes permanently to frostbite but it’s all good because Sean keeps you soooo warm! Cue the groans. Maybe you’re just feeling flushed from the embarrassment of his poor kissing.

After all the snow romping, Cathean (Catherine + Sean = Cathean) head to an ice castle. Catherine tells this very tragic story and Sean doesn’t offer any sort of condolence or even acknowledgement of the story. Instead he goes straight for the top-lip make out session (seriously, he’s always latching on to the top lip??) Thanks to close-ups and HD television, the audience is privileged to a nice shot of some snot dripping from Sean’s nose. The. Entire. Time.

Sean – here is an article I found that you should consider. The gist is bad kissers don’t make it to “second base.” Consider that. Enroll in lessons. Do something. But dear golly, don’t make us watch any more of this without addressing the issue!

Rose for Catherine!

Group Date: Tierra and the Princess

Tierra, Selma, Lindsay, Lesley, Sarah, Daniella, and AshLee meet Sean on the shores of Lake Louise for the group date. They all go canoeing around the lake (it seems like their canoe skills have improved since the Montana trip). Lesley grabs the bull by the horns and jumps in Sean’s canoe. Game on. Cut to Selma in the confession room: “I wanted to tip that boat over so freaking bad.” And then Selma sort of laughed but also sort of appeared like she was having a stroke. It was almost like a Count Dracula laugh. ONE in the water, AH AH AH AH. TWO in the water, AH AH AH AH.

Back on solid ground, with the help of a 17 year old ginger, Sean tells the girls to take off their clothes and jump into the lake. Some are not so sure. Other are mad their legs got spiky in the cold canoe. Some are drunk and therefore excited. Selma won’t even consider it. Call her a princess, she doesn’t care (actually I bet she’d like to be called a princess). And don’t forget, she’s from Baghdad – warm weather people. Although she also told Sean she doesn’t do well in the heat. Make up your mind, Princess.

AshLee asks Sean if she can call her shrink first to see what he thinks because she says, “no one in my life has ever made me want to do something for them.” Umm wait. What? Nobody has ever made you want to do something for them??!! Hi, my name is AshLee and I’m the most self-centered person EVER. AshLee’s shrink says it’s ok to take the plunge and heaven forbid, even have fun. AshLee is so proud of her self. She felt like she moved a mountain. Really though AshLee, you did what millions of hungover Americans do every single New Years Day. And here, where I come from, they actually have to cut a HOLE in the frozen lake to get to the water. I didn’t see any ice on that lake!

But as you all know, the one who sacrificed the MOST for Sean was the raccoon formerly known as Tierra. Tierra jumped into that lake in her Legally Blonde swim suit (I hate to admit that I liked her suit), popped back out and ran back to the 17-year-old ginger and cried wolf once more. Instead of throwing on the fluffy white robe like all the other girls, Tierra keeled over and eventually had to be carried off by the poor little red-head. Reason number 20,284 why Sean would never be my boyfriend. Sean, seriously, shouldn’t you have carried Tierra? Or at least offerred? What’s the point of all those morning push-ups if you can’t use your biceps in a situation like this?

Anyway, here was poor Tierra after her fake bout with hypothermia:

raccoon1

Tierra does what any person with hypothermia would do. She holds her shaking hands up near her face, orders some extra-hot Starbucks, instructs the maid to put on her socks and straps on her oxygen tank before paging Sean. Sean appears to comfort Tierra. Cackling Tierra tells Sean he better marry her after all this! And seriously Sean, you better. Why wouldn’t you want to wake up to this each morning?

tierra-missing-time-w352

The choice is yours Sean. Sean tells Tierra to stay in bed for the night. But when a Tierra-rist has a plan, a Tierra-rist has a plan and it will not be thwarted by some fake medical problem! Tierra takes a bath in her perfume, applies more mascara for good measure, and heads to go get her man.

Lesley spots Tierra enter the party and acts as Homeland Security, warning the girls, “everybody watch your back, we have a Tierra-rist on our hands.” Unfortunately as we all know, there will always be a Tierra-rist around.

The next day, Sean drops by the room and asks to speak to Sarah. Sean decides things aren’t working out with Sarah and it’s time for her to leave. In front of Sean, Sarah took the shock very well and was a gracious rejectee. Things became a little more frantic in the limo but nothing that the ABC psychotherapist couldn’t handle.

Second One-on One Date: Desiree – those boots are made for walkin’ rappelling.

Sean decides Des needs some reassurance after the trip to Montana so she gets another one-on-one. Des was super excited about the date until she found out she had to rappel down the mountain to drink eat lunch. Des has to rappel in a pair of Sorel winter snow boots. Come on. I have a pair of those boots. They are heavy, slippery and cumbersome. I don’t think they are meant to rappel down a mountain! ABC, get her some proper shoes!

The two make it down, picnic, and then climb a tree. After, Sean takes Des to a teepee, while sporting the world’s ugliest sweater. Sean looked like a giant hunk of beef. You are just too beefy to pull off hipster Norwegian sweaters Sean! Des shares with Sean that she feels right at home in the teepee because she grew up in a tent. Sean thinks it’s really neat that Des grew up in the circus and is wondering if they can incorporate the circus into a future episode. Des patiently explains that she lived in a tent/ trailer when money was tight, not because she is related to the Ringling Brothers. Later, Des says, “I opened up about growing up in a tent and here I am falling in love in a teepee.” That peyote makes you say the darndest things!

Rose Ceremony

Selma decides it’s time to bring out the big guns. And by big guns she means her giant fake breasts. She goes against her convictions (or at least her mother’s convictions), kisses Sean (sort of) and then apologizes to her mother. I think your mother is more upset that your nipples are about to show in that dress, sweetheart.

AshLee decides she hasn’t shown America that she is unstable enough and makes Sean blindfold her and lead her around. At first Sean thinks this is another 50 Shades of Grey moment but then realizes AshLee is crying and carrying on about how she has pushed a mountain and Sean stood on the other side. Sean suggests AshLee call her shrink again and disappears to sloppily make out with someone else.

That someone else is Lindsay who is slap-happy drunk because that’s the only way she can tolerate Sean’s kissing. I have to admit, Lindsay talks in a baby voice and is often drunk but I’d rather watch her because she’s having FUN! And you know what, at the end of the day, we all just want to have some fun.

All is right in the world again when Chris Harrison shows up at the rose ceremony. PHEW! Sean sends home Selma (and her big guns) and Daniella (and her 80’s clothes and make-up). Who stays? The Tierra-rist.

Next week’s post will be up towards the end of the week. Why you ask? Because I’m going to Mardi Gras! Beads for everyone!

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The Bachelor: US edition

As Bachelor Sean embarks on his world-wide quest to find love (do you think he’s really just hoping to run into some better prospects on the road??) I thought it would be fun to suggest places in the US where the Bachelor should visit. This list has all the essentials for the Bachelor: alcohol, bikinis, sun, beaches and drama.

1. Up North, Wisconsin.

That might seem like a broad area but it could be anywhere in the Northwoods. It’s GORGEOUS there! Here’s the view from my parent’s pier. I’m sure they’d LOVE to host the Bachelor.

up north

Up North would be great for the Bach. Plenty of things to do that involve bikinis and drinking! In fact, if you go in the summer that’s pretty much how you’ll spend your days. It’s glorious. Unfortunately there won’t be many hot tubs.

2. Glen Arbor, Michigan.

One of my favorite places to visit. Every time I go, I am amazed at the beauty of the white sand dunes against the glimmering blue water of Lake Michigan. In fact, in 2011, Good Morning America named this area (Sleeping Bear Dunes and Pierce Stocking Drive) as the most beautiful place in America. Need proof? Here’s my shot:

pierce stocking drive

This place is great for the Bach because there are plenty of outdoor activities to do, like hiking the dunes, picnicking on the beach, passing out at touring the numerous wineries, and wearing bikinis!

3. Twin Cities!!

Shout out to where I live! Lonely Planet named the Twin Cities a top-ten US travel destination for 2013. Is it because we get to experience this on an all too often basis?

snow

Or is it because it looks like THIS in the summer?

target field

Land of 10,000 lakes is the perfect place to find love (well in the summer – it’s not sexy wearing long-underwear and hairy legs). But in the summer it’s h-0-double-t. Put on your swimsuits ladies and hit up some beach volleyball at Lake Calhoun. Cool off at the Summit Brewery tour. This place has all the makings of true love.

4. Bar Harbor, Maine

This town is quintessential cuteness! Plus, if you say it with a Boston accent, Bahhh Habaahh, it’s more fun! I can definitely see some ABC planned thoughtful dates such as lobster fishing, a group bike ride through Acadia National Park (Tierra would undoubtedly need fake medical attention), and a cozy dinner at a B&B (somehow Tierra would ruin that too).

bar harbor

As a bonus, imagine all the punny things Chris Harrison could write on the date cards! Here’s to finding your “maine” squeeze. This is the “maine” date. Set the bar in Bar Harbor.

5. Key West, Florida

Ahhh Key West. It’s like your life is just one giant Jimmy Buffett song when you’re down in that one particular harbor (get it?!) Date card option: Wasted Away in Margaritaville. PERFECT! Or how about this one? Life’s a drag (girls participate in one of the famous Key West drag shows!) Or, “Let’s take our relationship to the Southern Most Point.” How about jet skiing on the ocean (been there- done that – amazingness) “let’s jet.” Key West has the Bachelor written all over it. Swimsuits, umbrella drinks that you can purchase right on the street, beaches, drag queens, and the biggest sunset watching party in the US. What’s more romantic than a sunset? Actually, I have an answer for that! A sunset that doesn’t involve the Bachelor!

keywest

6. Savannah, Georgia

Savannah has the makings of every epic love story. Mystery, intrigue, history, wealth, greed, and spanish moss. Another destination with an open container law! Imagine the dates in Savannah – romantic carriage rides through the historic town squares, trip to the beach on Tybee Island, group ghost tours through haunted mansions, haunted squares, and haunted cemeteries, cooking lessons from Paula Dean, and pictures with the Forest Gump bench!

savannah

So much Southern charm, it’d be hard NOT to fall in love for the night for life.

Where do YOU think the Bachelor should visit?

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