Tag Archives: Chris Harrison

I love you TWO!

Jamaica, ooo I wanna take ya, to Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty momma!

Somewhere Amanda starts crying when she hears the reference to “momma.”  Don’t fear Amanda, you’re in a better place…than Caila.

Ben and his three remaining ladies head to Jamaica for some private sexy time, profuse overuse of the word “love,” and an endless supply of clothing that looks like it could fit an American Girl Doll (yet, somehow, these ladies shimmy their bodies into the tiniest garments known to man.)

Sorely missing is any reference to Jamaica getting a bobsled team.

I pose this question every season, and this season is no different: how would you feel getting the last overnight date?  So. Gross.

First One-on-One: Caila 

Caila (luckily) gets the least disgusting first overnight date.  As the theme of Jamaica is less is always most definitely more, Caila wears her shortest pair of jean shorts that show just enough butt cheek with her boldest croppiest sports bra.  When in Rome.

Ben takes Caila on a Huck Finn raft and the two of them float into a stream of complete silence.  The longer the silence lasts, the mores taciturn Caila becomes.  I find myself starting to break out in a cold sweat as I watch this uncomfortable scene unfold.  Someone get these two some alcohol.

And then, what do you know.  A little shanty (the original food truck) awaits them in the jungle.  The ABC producers give Ben and Caila a coconut full of rum to liven up this date.

At dinner Ben says yo Caila, why were you so weird today?  Caila, loquacious from her liquid courage, waxes on and on about who knows what and then finally says, “I love you.” Ben responds with his favorite words: french kissing.  Caila tells Ben she’s ready to take advantage of the fantasy suite.  It’s perfect because Ben is ready to take advantage of Caila.

Second One-on-One: Lauren 

It was a tough decision but Lauren wins the “most ill-fitting, way too small, why are you wearing your clothes from grade school,” award!  Congrats, Lauren!  Lauren’s crop-top, spaghetti-strap, SWEATER tank top sends the message, I’m mysterious and also very confused.  Her jean shorts that are so short and tight causing poor Lauren to waddle, send the message, I’m down for a wild time, even if it hurts.

Ben takes Lauren to release a sea turtle nest into the ocean.  I can’t tell you how many times in my childhood my mom had us on the side of the road frantically trying to rescue turtles.  You think that’s a joke. But it’s not.  I can only hope their efforts were more successful than ours.

As if the jean shorts and sweater crop-top tank weren’t bad enough, Lauren decides to dress like a salmon for dinner, wearing a crop top/ pencil skirt combo made of spandex from the Charlotte Russe “Working The Vegas Strip” collection.  Size XXS.

Lauren forgoes her individual room key in hopes of fornicating with Ben.  When they make their way back to the fantasy suite (sponsored by Sandals), Lauren tells Ben she is in love with him and also, like, she can’t believe how lucky she is.  Ben breaks all rules and does the one thing he’s forbidden from doing on this show– he tells Lauren he loves her too.

The morning after, Lauren keeps saying Ben’s her person.  No it’s LOBSTER.  Come on.  Watch an episode of Friends!

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Third One-on-One Date: JoJo

JoJo greets Ben with her signature jump and straddle.  I envision if I greeted my husband like that,  I would flatten him like a pancake.

The pair helicopter to some hidden waterfalls.  I can only think that it reminds me of Gooseberry Falls in Minnesota.  Minnesota: just as exotic as Jamaica.  Our new slogan.

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Minnesota, as sexy as Jamaica.  Even our accents. You betcha. 

JoJo says she’s never seen anything like this before.  Come to Minnesota, JoJo.  We have waterfalls up the uff-da. To celebrate, Ben and JoJo go skinny dipping.  Actually wait.  JoJo is wearing a bathing suit, it’s just flesh-colored and very very similar looking to underwear.

Even after seeing Ben’s awful oblique tattoo, JoJo decides to spring the “I love you,” words on Ben.  Much to JoJo’s complete shock, Ben replies, “I love you too.”  Somewhere, ABC producers hoot and holler with glee.  They’ve got Ben, the three remaining women, and millions of women sitting at home sipping chardonnay from a box, right where they want them.

JoJo is legit flummoxed.  She could have sworn the producers told her he was in love with Lauren.  Oh well, she reasons, guess they were wrong!

During the dinner portion of their date, I got distracted and started researching how to make cheese at home. In case you are wondering, it sounds difficult.

Back to the Bachelor.  There is discussion about the creepy brothers, but JoJo just chalks it up to the bros being protective older siblings.  Bros will be bros.  She says they will love him eventually; Ben is unsure if he will love them eventually.  But alas, forget the brothers, it’s time to consummate this love in the fantasy suite. For the third night in a row. With a different woman each night. Ick.

The Morning After

Ben wakes up and realizes that since he told two women he loves them, he has to keep them around for at least another week.  That means Caila needs to go.

In classic Bachelor fashion, right when Ben comes to this realization, Caila shows up at Ben’s patio.  10 bucks says the ABC producers told Caila Ben really wants to see you, you should totally go surprise him!

Caila wears her cutest pastel tie dye sports bra for her big Ben surprise.  I feel like getting dumped while wearing a sports bra is worse than getting dumped in regular clothes. Caila senses something is wrong and she’s right.  Ben apparently enjoyed the sex with the other two a little more.   All I can think is Caila has the most perfect little body!  I must hit the gym when I’m done eating cookies and reading how to make cheese. Caila handles the situation as well as possible – I have no doubt Caila will go on to great things.  At the very least, hair commercials.

At the rose ceremony, Lauren smugly tells JoJo she’s not nervous, especially after seeing JoJo’s dress that looks like it belongs on an episode of Saved by the Bell.  Both women falsely believe they’ve got this in the bag.  Ben appears and tells the women, the three of us are going to be so happy together!

 

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Why Did You Do that?

I have failed you, my friends.  On probably the most entertaining episode so far this season, I did not provide an update.  Life got the best of me (namely, dog sitting for my parents, bringing the total number of pets in my 1300 square foot home to a whopping FOUR, for two weeks).  Ben finally came to his senses and told the producers he wasn’t going to be a puppet in their game any longer – Olivia needed to go.  The producers agreed he could cut her loose but only on an island with hurricanic winds and no viable plan to bring Olivia back to safe shores.  I can only assume that somewhere in the Bahamas, Olivia has found her Wilson and hopefully learned how to build a fire.

On to this week.  Ben decided it was time to bring his remaining ladies back to his hometown: Warsaw, Indiana.

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Becca is nervous she’ll need to find Indiana on a map upon demand.  She thinks it’s somewhere near Nebraska or Kansas.  The Twin has never been anywhere with temperatures less than 60 degrees.  My mind wanders to the Warsaw Pact and I contemplate if any of these women can name a single treaty.

Warsaw looks, surprisingly, like a lovely town.  It’s beautiful and quaint.  Serve up Ben with a side of Apple Pie and it looks like a scene in my 4th grade social studies book.  Hashtag americana.

Ben meets his parents at the local greasy spoon.  Um.  Ben’s dad is a hottie. Hey there, silver fox! Ben tells his parents he’s falling in love.  His mom tries to wipe the horrified look off her face.  Is Ben an only child?  Anyone?  Bueller?

Later, Ben picks up the ladies in a pontoon boat and I’m officially on board with Ben.  Anyone with a boat has me sold.

First One-on-One Date: Lauren B

I think we are finally down to one Lauren, which means I can stop pretending to know who the other Lauren is or what her last name initial is.  Ben tells the story of his first kiss, which happened in 7th grade.  I was still playing with Barbies in 7th grade.  I’m not sure which one of us is the normal one. And if that didn’t convince you, surely this will:

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Really appealing. Who knew I was such a patriot!

You are welcome for that.  Don’t act like you didn’t have an awkward phase.

Ben takes Lauren on a tour of Warsaw, which includes an after school program center where Ben used to work, I assume 10 years ago. Ben and Lauren play with the kids.  Lauren says she fits in well with the kids because she’s the same size as them and only a few years older.  Some members from the Indiana Pacer’s show up to play with the kids.  I think that’s some sort of pro basketball team.  Lauren giggles like a school girl as she tries to play with Paul George’s balls.  I mean basketball.  Ben is irritated that the Pacer’s sent their most attractive player.

Later, Ben takes Lauren to his local dive bar to meet his friends.  Interestingly enough, Farmer Chris took his winner, Whitney, to the bar to meet his friends too.  Coincidence?

Second One-on-One Date: JoJo

JoJo and Ben are heading to the windy city for, I hope, some strolling and shopping on Michigan Ave followed by drinks on the top level of the John Hancock.  Or, in the alternative, a boat architecture tour and a stop at Navy Pier.  Or hit up some of the fantastic museums and see a show.

But no.  Instead, they spend the entire day AND NIGHT at Wrigley.  Look.  I get it.  Wrigley is cool and historic and BLAH BLAH BLAH.  But come on. They weren’t even at a game!  They were just at Wrigley.  Doing nothing.

It’s official.  JoJo’s first trip to Chicago was a total waste. They play baseball, they make out and that’s about it. Zzz.

Group Date: Caila, Becca, Mom

Ben takes the girls to some remote area to row boats and fly kites.  Does anyone else not like flying kites?  I like watching them but I’ve never successfully launched my kite.  Mom agrees and hopes there is more to the date than flying kites. Be careful what you wish for.

Becca pulls Ben aside and tells him “just don’t blindside me.”  Consider yourself forewarned, Bachelor viewers.

The group date is over faster than you can say Chris Harrison.  Mom gets the group date rose and gets to continue her romantic evening  at McDonalds.  She’s hoping she can at least supersize things, or else this is nothing but a total waste.  She can’t believe she’s starved herself for weeks only to have to force down an Egg McMuffin on national TV.

We get it McDonalds.  You sponsor the Bachelor.  Now give me free fries for life and I’ll sing you nothing but high praises.

Ben tells Amanda he brought the girls to Warsaw because he wanted them to experience the normal things he does, such as going to McDonalds. And apparently, working at McDonalds.  Dear god.  This is so stupid.  And that’s coming from someone who eats McDonalds more often than I care to admit.

There was slight redemption when Ben took Amanda to the local carnival.  Ten bucks says it was this same location where Ben smooched his first girl in 7th grade. As Amanda sits at the top of the Ferris Wheel, making out with Ben, she says that she feels like the luckiest girl in the world right now.  A carny could make you feel that way every day for the rest of your life. Just throwing that out there.

Third One-on-One Date: Twin 

Emily gets the last coveted one-on-one date. Ben takes Emily in his pontoon boat, where she verifies that the birds she sees in the water, are in fact, swans.

As a fun surprise, Ben takes Emily to his house to meet his parents.  Emily, totally freaked, wishes she would have worn jeans that exposed less of her knee caps and thighs.

Emily tells the camera she’s really nervous.  She says talking to people makes her really anxious and she doesn’t want to make an idiot of herself.  Ben’s mom pulls Emily aside for some private conversation and what comes out of Emily’s mouth is pure word diarrhea.

  • Emily: So I’m one of the youngest ones here. And like I’m 23 and I don’t know, it’s just been,  I don’t know, kind of hard and I know I’m young and I don’t travel a lot but this has been really hard but I have really blossomed and grown and I didn’t know I would turn into this woman. I am young and there is um so much that I want to do and I have so many dreams and I’ve dreamed of being a NFL cheerleader for as long as I can remember.  And so, yeah, the Denver Broncos.
  • Mom: Horrified face.  Fights back tears.
  • Emily: So it’s just your son and he makes me feel ready and not scared.  I’ve always wanted to get married young and have kids young.  I’ve been average my entire life but I feel like I’ll be an above average wife and mother.

Meanwhile, Ben’s dad calls Emily “very attractive,” and “very young.”  Emily has some alone time with Ben’s dad and tells him that she loves movies and if she could sit around all day, she would watch movies.  And she hates vegetables.

With one rip in her pants too many, her lack of nutritious eating, and her desire to watch movies all day (she’s basically me), Emily pounds the final nail into her proverbial coffin. Poor Em.  She’s such a sweet girl.  And yes, she’s young, and yes, she rambled a bit, but I wouldn’t call her immature.  Maybe slightly naive.  But simply because she wants to be an NFL cheerleader and dyes her hair very very blonde, doesn’t make Emily less deserving of Ben’s love than the next girl.  Maybe she isn’t right for Warsaw, Indiana, but there is definitely some one out there who will love Emily and her twin, exactly as they are.  Maybe even Paul George.  Paul George, you available for my girl Em?

Emily handles the dumping with grace and dignity.  I’m left annoyed by the ABC producers.  Do you really think Ben was considering marrying Emily?  Was this entire date designed to embarrass her?  Was he really just unsure?  What do you guys think?

Ben skips the cocktail party and hands out roses to JoJo, Lauren and Caila.  Becca, looking livid, whispers into Ben’s ear, “why did you do that,”  as though Becca, despite already being on this dumb show once, does not understand the show’s premise.  Apparently she thought threatening him with “don’t blindside me,” meant she couldn’t be eliminated the same way EVERY GIRL gets eliminated.  Now please Becca, don’t come back.  Bye.

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Dragon Breath

The ladies grab their sarongs, sombreros, and string bikinis and head to Mexico City. Ben is confident that with just enough tequila and lime, he can find the woman he’s supposed to marry.  He does not specify if that woman is among the hand selected ABC group, or if he will find his own local mamacita.

The girls arrive at the Four Seasons and Olivia is most excited that she has a bidet.  So many jokes I could make about that, but alas, they are too crass.

One-on-One – Amanda: Let’s Put All Our Eggs in One Basket

Olivia is outraged that Ben would chose her for a one-on-one date.  Doesn’t he know she has… CHILDREN?  The way she says it makes it seem like Amanda has some sort of communicable disease.  Olivia knows children are not what Ben wants.  Um. Really?  Moving on.

Ben decides to surprise the women at 4:30 AM in the hotel room to catch a glimpse of the women in their natural state.  I would have a look of pure hostility on my face.  Nothing makes me more upset than people waking me up.  I wouldn’t even care about the zit cream on my face or the rancid, stagnant toot/ bad breath air (don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about).  I would just be so annoyed with Ben’s perky personality.  Note to husband – nothing makes me dislike you more than when you pop up like a piece of toast and expect me to join suit.  The teacher wears a retainer (totally me), Olivia is unrecognizable and has dragon breath, and Amanda pops out of bed with a face full of flawless makeup and perfectly curled hair.  Right.

Ben takes Amanda and her tiny little voice and bare shoulders on a hot air balloon ride.  I spent the entire date wondering if Amanda’s roots were intentional?  Is that a look?

After the ballon ride, Amanda tells Ben about how her husband was up to no good on his cell phone with other women.  You know what’s ironic?  All these women telling Ben about how their past boyfriends and relationships ended after their partner was unfaithful.  And yet, now they are on the Bachelor…a show that is premised on a dude dating 25 women at the SAME TIME.  Amanda gets the rose.

Group Date

There are seriously some women I’ve never seen before on this date.  Leah?  Who the heck are you!?

The group takes a spanish lesson, which I would bomb. I can’t tell you how frequently I practice trying to roll my Rs with zero success.  One time I rolled my Rs in my sleep and it was glorious.  When Spanish class is over, the girls split into teams of two to go grocery shopping for a cooking contest.  In Mexico they say if you know how to cook, you are ready to get married.

Hey Mexico, the 1950’s called.  They want their motto back.

At the after party, Jubilee starts to slowly deteriorate.  She can’t handle the group date, she’s tired of watching Ben hold hands with other women, she doesn’t have an outgoing personality, Lauren B stole her all white outfit and Olivia’s dragon breath is slowly inducing unconsciousness.

Speaking of Lauren B, while Jubilee starts to have a mental health breakdown, Ben whisks Lauren into the streets of Mexico to make out with her.  When Ben returns, Ben decides it’s time to talk with Jubilee.  He reaches out to take her hand and she rebuffs his attempts.  Probably because you have another woman’s lipstick all over your face.  Just a thought.

The handholding rejection, and general puss-face during group dates, leads Ben to the conclusion that Jubilee will not, in fact, be his wifey.  He makes her leave immediately.  And yet, Dragon Breath remains. Ben rejoins the group and tells them the following: “so um yeah.  Jubilee was someone who I found incredibly intriguing when I first met her.  But now I don’t.  Because she wouldn’t hold my hand in front of your guys.  And that threatened my manhood.  And even though we’re in Mexico and she won the cooking contest and therefore, she’s wife material, she doesn’t like group dates and if my wife doesn’t like it when I date other women, then I don’t want that sort of wife.  Got it?  If I want to date in groups, I’m going to date in groups and my wife better be ok with that.”

The remaining girls all reassure Ben that they are totally fine with him dating as many women as he wants. Dragon Breath got the group date rose.

Second One-on-One Date: Lauren (Kindergarten teacher)

Ben takes Lauren to a fashion show during Mexico City’s fashion week because nothing screams fashion like a kindergarten teacher from Michigan. Miranda Priestly shows up to deliver the news to Lauren that she and Ben will be walking in the fashion show.  They actually manage to do a pretty good job!

At dinner, Lauren tells Ben, wait for it…all about how her ex boyfriend cheated on her.  Is that a new prerequisite for the show?  Bachelor application:

  • Must be willing to show 90% of your skin, regardless of weather conditions
  • Must be willing to make out with Bachelor upon demand, even after Dragon Breath
  • Must be emotionally damaged, including but not limited to the following damaging situations:
    • been cheated on
    • been abused
    • family tragedy
    • used to be fat but then became anorexic
  • Must have body mass index of less than 16
  • Must be less than 25 years of age but older than 20.
  • Must be unemployed or have a job that no self-sufficient woman over the age of 25 would ever dream of having (again, anyone over 25 need not apply)
  • Must fit into shorts you bought in the 6th grade, which really, was not that long ago
  • Must have access to hair extensions, fake eye lashes, and a curling iron
  • Must be willing to say “I do” upon ABC’s demand
  • Must like gaudy rings

Lauren gets the rose.

At the cocktail party, to quote 10 Things I Hate About You, one of the best movies EVER, the shit has hitteth the fan.  While discussing her issues with her ex-husband’s lack of parenting, Olivia tells Amanda it feels like an episode of Teen Mom.

Oh girl.  No you didn’t.  The remaining twin is fed up.  She decides it’s time to pull the blindfold off Ben’s face and tell him all about Dragon Breath’s real personality.

  • Twin: SHE SUCKS.
  • Ben: For real? But she has such a big mouth.
  • Twin: She disrespects me so much.  I’m really upset.
  • Ben: I really appreciate you telling me this.  Between you and me, the ABC producers keep shoving her down my throat.  You too, but that’s a conversation we can have another time.

Right as Ben is about to start handing out roses, Ben asks to speak privately with Olivia.

DUN DUN DUN.

And the show ends.  Will she stay or will she go?!?!

 

 

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Zen with Ben

Ben knows the best way to learn if these women are wife material is to take them to Sin City.  There is so much to test in Vegas.  The following vices can all be assessed:

  • gambling
  • drinking
  • stripping
  • nudity
  • prostitution
  • gluttony
  • and people who like Celine Dion too much

Ben wants a woman who can let her hair down, pretend she loves buffets but really only eats a salad, has no qualms about wearing shirts as dresses in public, drinks all night long without throwing up, and does, indeed, let her heart go on.

Amazingly enough, the first thing out of Olivia’s mouth when she hears they are headed to Vegas is that she wants to see Celine.  Sorry Olivia. You’re out.

First One-on-One Date: Jojo, you set my heart on fire.

Oliva is not threatened by this because Ben is hers.  Ben is her piece (?) and she is zen with Ben.

For Jojo’s date, she decides that less is more.  Less shirt and less shorts = more likely ABC will need to use the privacy black box during this date.  Remember when Bermuda shorts were in style? These chicks definitely don’t remember that. All they’ve ever known are 1 inch inseams.

Or maybe she wore barely any clothes so she wouldn’t add unnecessary weight to the helicopter that picks them up?  As the helicopter lands, its propeller causes gale force winds so Jojo and Ben, naturally, hide behind a cocktail table and make out in plain view of the other ladies.  They spend the helicopter ride making out, which begs the question, why go on the helicopter ride?  YOU’RE MISSING THE VIEW.  COME ON.

After the heli ride, Jojo talks about her ex boyfriend, they make out more, and the date is over.  Most boring date ever.

Group Date

There is some famous ventriloquist who is hosting the group date.  The girls all comment that they grew up watching his show.  I’ve never heard of this dude.  Is this an age gap thing? Do you think the girls have ever heard of Mr. Rogers?

The puppet announces the women are going to put on a talent show for Ben and 1 million other drunk people.  Immediately, I think Olivia’s talent will be stuffing her fist into her giant mouth.  That’s got to be what she’s best at, right?

Olivia ignores my suggestion and instead puts on a showgirl outfit, which is basically a sequined bikini with a feather boa, and she thanks for lucky stripes for the foresight to shave this morning. Her plan is basically to shimmy around and point.  That’s her talent.

To my shock (and slight disappointment), all the other women have actual talent!  The twins do a really good Irish dance, Jubliee plays the cello, someone who I think is unemployed makes ballon animals, another girl juggles, some girl bongs a beer.

And then it was Olivia’s turn.  She started out strong by popping out of a cake.  But then things took a serious turn for the worst.  She would have been better off if she cried and ran off state.  Instead she bobbed around awkwardly, not dissimilar to a bird, and kicked her legs around.  Ben hung his head in embarrassment.  Olivia silently wonders if she can audition for the Rockettes. No. No you can’t. When she goes to hug Ben, reality sets in that the performance was not up to Ben’s standards.  She starts to cry and realizes she was not wife material.

Undeterred, Olivia puts on her best 70’s negligee that lets her ladies hang free and heads to the cocktail party where the theme this evening is who needs pants when you can have a shirt cover almost all of your naughty bits.  Sure hope you shaved today too Caila. Caila decides as soon as she gets Ben alone that she’s just going to throw her legs over his lap and start making out with him.  Conversation be damned.  Ben describes her as a sex panther.  I start to throw up my dinner.

Ben seems drunk as he plays with the puppet and talks to the kindergarten teacher, whose name I do not know because she gets no screen time.  He makes the teacher make out with the puppet.

Second One-on-One Date: Becca 

Becca, the virgin, puts on a crisp white dress and meets Ben at the Little White Chapel.  This date is so dumb I don’t even want to blog about it.  I’d rather count the number of gray hairs on my head, clip my toenails, scoop my cat’s litter-box, wash moldy Tupperware, or listen to sports radio than rewatch this date and blog about it.  That’s how boring and dumb it is.

First Ben fake proposes, then Becca changes into more 70’s lingerie, and then they awkwardly marry people who are either drunk, related, underage, or actors.  Don’t you love when the person officiating your marriage has their chest hair on full display?  Nothing says romance like another man’s chest hair.

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I am just over Becca.  She’s got the personality of a wet rag.  Is there anything in there?  SO BORING.  But I did notice that she’s trying to show slightly more signs of a pulse this season, which led to a heated debate during this week’s show with my friends- is Becca here for Ben or is Becca here to try to be the next Bachelorette?  *note – she’ll never be the Bachelorette because zzzzzzzzzz. What do you think?  Take my poll.

Surprise Two-on-One Date: In it to Twin it

The Twins, who nobody can tell apart, are headed out with Ben on an impromptu hometown date.

The mom, also a bottle blond, is basically like the Twins’ cool older sister.  She reminds me of the mom from Mean Girls.

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Haley takes Ben to her bedroom – it appears she still lives at home with her mom and twin – and there are photos all over of her ex-boyfriend.  Emily tells Ben her connection with him is deeper than her twin.  Ben is easily swayed and decides Emily is the twin he’d like to keep pursuing.  Emily looked more upset by Ben’s decision than Haley.  We need to find these girls a set of identical twins who also don’t want to be without their twin.  Why not just tell them both to stay home – you know you’re not marrying them.  PS – did you see those shots sans makeup?  I didn’t even recognize them!

At the rose ceremony, Olivia gets the last rose, or as she rationalizes, the best for last.  The bartender and the unemployed chick go home.  BYE, Amber.  Don’t let a cocktail hit you in the face on the way out. Amber curls up in a fetal position on a pool lounge chair that earlier hosted a drunk naked passed out girl and the ABC psychotherapist is summoned with the good drugs.

Next week, the women head to Mexico for tequila, tans and tears.

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But She Does Have Fat Toes

You know those times when you are just about to settle in to watch the Bachelor and suddenly your husband comes home and tells you your parent’s SUV, the one you borrowed 6 months ago, is no longer parked on the street? And then the police have to come RIGHT AS THE SHOW IS ABOUT TO START?  Don’t you hate when that happens?

I do.

Not that it happened to me last week.  Nope.  No way. The reason I missed the first 30 minutes of the Bach this week had absolutely nothing to do with the scenario I described above.  Just in case you’re wondering – people don’t like it when you leave a car on the street for weeks and/or months at a time.  Just a friendly PSA.  You know…not that I know or anything.

Can you believe it’s already week 3 at the mansion?  Doesn’t that mean the Bachelor is like 3 weeks away from picking his wife???  Does this mean that Ben and his entourage of 21 year olds will hit the road soon?  Bring your IDs, young ladies!

The show starts with the Mom and the Flight Attendant discussing Olivia.  I actually replayed this four times.  Mom tells Flight Attendant that Olivia spent $40,000 on clothes for the show.

FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS ON CLOTHES????? And my husband thinks I shop too much? Here’s what I could buy with 40K.

  • a luxury vehicle (which I promise to not get towed.  Kidding.  I can’t make that promise.  Parking enforcement around these parts makes that darn near impossible).
  • a new kitchen AND a new bathroom
  • like 30,000 chocolate milk shakes
  • new underwear for years
  • all the SmartWool products EVER
  • a partridge in a pear tree

Chris comes to the mansion to scope out any prospects for himself deliver the news about this week’s dates.  There will be two one-on-one dates and one group date.  Collective OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOs ensue.

Lauren B – The Sky’s The Limit

Who is Lauren B?  The flight attendant – thus the corny sky joke.  Lauren B puts on her spaghetti tank top that conveniently has sleeves so she’s prepared for all types of weather.

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(photo source – http://www.tvjelly.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Screen-Shot-2016-01-19-at-9.56.40-AM.png)

They pull up to a small local airport and the flight attendant, I REPEAT, the flight attendant, is scared to go flying.  Come on.  Basically, the producers kept telling her we’re going to need for you to act super nervous. Act like you’ve never flown before.  Ben can’t remember what you do for a living anyway.

The flight attendant has never seen a plane like this before.  But you have seen Snoopy before…right?  Flying Ace? Or that war we called the Second World War?  Better known as World War II?  No? Not familiar?

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(photo source – https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/5f/49/c9/5f49c96c4c71250bd4685869fd959708.jpg)

The pilot is forced to listen to their cheesy conversation and watch them make out.  The producers have Sky Thrill fly over the mansion, because, of course.  The girls CAN’T EVEN.  THIS TOTALLY SUCKS.

The plane drops them off in the middle of nowhere next to the circle of life tree, as seen on the Lion King.  Also waiting for them is a hot tub.  Lauren is instructed to change behind the tree.  Seriously. Lauren comes out in her tiny bikini and I immediately regret my decision to eat an entire pot of macaroni and cheese.

Side note – did you know someone is still on this show whose employment lists “umemployed” ???  Why is that person still here!  Are there no standards?  Oh.  My mistake.

Back on the date with Lauren, Ben calls her a girl like 50 times in a row.  Ben. Ben. Ben.  She’s a woman.  Ben shares a story about how his dad has heart problems.  Lauren shares a story that she had a perfect life and wants to procreate and make more perfect lives.

Very dramatic piano music plays while Ben gives Lauren the date rose.  All I can picture is the main guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall playing the score for the Bachelor.

Finally, because this show does the same stupid things over and over again, Ben takes Lauren to see some random concert. Of course the lyrics totally speak to Ben.

Group Date: Love is the Goal 

Enough girls head out on a date with Ben that they can form TWO soccer teams.  Two profesh soccer players come out, and of course, the girls like totally know these amazing players.  Liars.

The stakes are high for this date: the losing team will head back to the mansion reeking of pathetic defeat, will receive care for any concussions they have suffered, and will lose precious moments to bond with Ben, thus limiting their chances of securing the Neil Lane.  The winning team, sweating with nothing but victory and a subtle rose scent, will join Ben for a booze infused evening where there is sure to be drama, spit swapping, and ample opportunity to backstab.  Whatever it takes to find your man. May the best twin win.  Yes, the twins are separated.

The teams are divided by stars and stripes.  The stripes look like they just escaped the local penitentiary.  Perhaps some did.  AHHHEMMM Olivia.

Unemployed girl gets injured and Olivia seizes the opportunity to score against the girl whose leg needs to be amputated.  She will stop at nothing.

Oliva continues her aggression at the cocktail party; she’s embraced Sarah Palin’s philosophy- pit bull with lipstick.  Ben is mid sentence when Olivia steals him away from the group.  The women take this opportunity to talk about Olivia behind her back (also the only reason we watch this dumb show)

  • Twin: She’s like, just so like, aggressive.
  • Amber: But she does have fat toes.  I’ve noticed. (VERBATIM QUOTE!)
  • Twin: (privately) They were making fun of her toes.  Toes should not matter.  But she has terrible breath. I wonder if he’s smelling what I smell.

Jami, who I always want to call Jammy but is really called Jamie, is not going to let these biotches talk about her friend’s toes like that.  But rather than stand up to them, she decides to just tell Olivia about the toe smack.

  • Jami: They started picking apart your appearances.
  • Olivia: (looking indignant, but all knowing) Let me guess. My calves.
  • Jami: No.
  • Olivia: MY CANKLES?
  • Jame: No. Your toes.  Your toes like aren’t cute.
  • Olivia: (looking shocked.  She had considered her calves and her cankles as her only flaw – nobody had ever mentioned her toes.)  My toes?!

Olivia tells the camera she knows she has bad toes. She hates her toes.

Date rose goes to Bachelor repeat, Amber.

Second One on One Date: Jubilee 

Ben shows up for the date 20 minutes late and Jubilee teases Ben about it.  Then she makes a joke about not being excited.  The girls see this as no laughing matter.  No jokes can be made in the presence of the Bachelor. This could be your husband.  Do not be aco-taco.

Jubilee, terrified of heights, asks the girls as Ben makes her board a helicopter, if someone else wants to go on the date, thus sealing her fate as the most hated woman in the house. Olivia might have fat toes and a mean personality but her status as most hated is revoked when Jubilee shows anxiety over heights.  HOW DARE SHE!  Doesn’t she know that if Ben wants to march her straight into an anxiety attack or to her death, she should do so not only with open arms but a coquettish smile on her face and just the right amount of exposed midriff too? Doesn’t she know that?!

Good luck getting the target off your back, Jub.

Amber is livid.  Ben just planned (um wrong) her an amazing date and she is not grateful enough.

The heli flies them to a mansion.  We learn Jubilee does not like caviar but loves hot dogs. With you girl.  We also learn that Ben wants all dates to include a hot tub.

Personally, I love Jubilee and I’m really happy she got the rose.

But the girls back at the house? Not so much. It’s gang up on Jubilee night at the cocktail party and leading the charge is Amber.  Get a life, Amber.

Before Amber can start her crusade against Jubilee, Ben comes in with an announcement that his good family friends have died.  Olivia sees this as the perfect opportunity to tell Ben about her insecurities: her cankles. She starts to cry about people who blog about her cankles.  Ben is irritated that Olivia wants to talk about her fat ankles at this moment.

Jubilee takes a different approach and massages Ben because she knows it’s his favorite thing.  Amber is livid. She basically chases Jubilee around and forces her to try to hide in the bathroom, but she doesn’t respect that boundary either.  Amber verbally assaults Jubilee. I wish Ben would have taken the rose away from Amber and sent her home.  FYI, Ben is never going to pick you.  Go back to making rum and cokes and leave us alone.

In the most insightful moment this season, Lace decides to send herself home because Lace needs to work on herself.  She’s not living up to her tattoo: you can’t love someone else until you truly love yourself.  Half of me is horrified that she had to get a tattoo to remind herself of that and also horrified that she is disappointed in herself for not listening to her tattoo, but the other half of me is really proud that she recognizes her issues and wants to work on them.  My next tattoo suggestion for you is “the first step is admitting you have a problem.”

Till tomorrow!

 

 

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Let’s Be Honest. Who Wants A Beeping Virgin?

Guess who’s back.  Back again.

Since last we saw each other, so much has changed.  Kaitlyn had sex with Nick.  (We all make mistakes, Kaitlyn). Neil Lang created yet another gaudy, tacky, iceberg of a diamond ring, which was slipped on Kaitlyn’s finger by Sean and the producers of ABC’s The Bachelor. (Again, we all make mistakes, Kaitlyn).  Participation ribbon winner, Ben Higgens, was named this season’s latest piece of Bachelor meat with 26 desperate women (desperate for a myriad of things including but not limited to fame, love, attention, STDs, giant diamond ring likely to induce wrist injury, future Bachelorette, ample hot-tub time, sparkly gowns, Chris Harrison, and embarrassing your family).

But alas my loyal readers.  The biggest change of them all.  Aside from the fact that at the age of 30, I’m now considered a cougar in Bachelor land, I have forever taken myself out of the running to vie for the love of a complete and utter stranger who could have become my husband in six short weeks,  while competing against a bunch of cocktail waitresses and chicken enthusiasts, wearing my finest pair of shorts from the 6th grade that show off just enough butt cheek but not too much and subsiding on nothing but vodka and the smell of coconut-scented sunscreen.  Why you ask?

BECAUSE THIS:

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And also THIS!

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That’s right.  I’m hitched. I’m officially off the Bachelor market.  And now that our wedding is behind us, I can get back to the important things in life.  Like making fun of people commenting on the new season of the Bachelor.  I have to admit, I’ve missed this.

Without further ado, let’s meet our Bachelor, Ben Higgins.

 

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[ http://i0.wp.com/okmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/ben-Higgins-bachelor-021.jpg?fit=600%2C9999%5D

Hey, Ben!  Healthy meal you got there! I always eat my salmon shirtless too.  We’ve got so much in common.

Here’s what we know about Ben.  He’s 26.  I’ll let that sink in for a second.  FYI Ben, there is this app called Tinder – I think you’d do ok on it.  He eats dinner in the buff. He’s a midwestern boy from Indiana.  Kaitlyn dumped him.  He’s some sort of salesman (a job totally worth making a fool of yourself and fighting over, obviously). He wants a wife with small-town values (all I heard was women should be seen, not heard).  He fears being unloveable.  I’m sorry but WHO SAYS THAT?  What is that about?  Is it weird that I find myself totally lovable?  He’s hoping the next time he sees his parents, he’ll have a “young lady,” on his arm.  Luckily for Ben, he has a bevy of eligible 21 year olds eager to take tequila shots out of his bellybutton.  And last but not least, he let ABC give him the world’s WORST haircut.

Who better to help Ben in his quest to find a “young lady,” than three Bachelor vets, who include Farmer Chris, Sean, and some old guy named Jason.  No but you guys.  Jason looks down right middle aged.  BECAUSE HE IS.  He’s 13 years older than the current Bachelor.  He could have birthed the current Bachelor.  It would have been weird, but he could have.

Farmer Chris has no advice, because well, Whitney hates him. Oh and to kiss all the girls.  Sean’s advice is to find a subservient woman whose dream in life is to cook and clean for her man.  Jason’s advice is to treat women like your equal.  ABC producers quickly tell Ben to disregard such silly advice.

For the next hour and a half we meet Ben’s ladies.  It’s the usual cast of characters: the villain, the clinger, the crier, the drunk, the unusual, the miniature horse, and the repeats. Here are the standouts:

Most Likely to Need an Order for Protection Against 

And the award goes to… Caila!

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[photo source]

Sure, she looks sweet and innocent but girl is convinced Ben is her soulmate.  And why wouldn’t she?  They are both software sales reps.  #soulmatesforeverandeverandeverxoxoxo.  She’s 24, which is perfect for Ben’s desire for a “young lady.”  And she broke up with her boyfriend after she saw Ben on TV, because you know, fate.  Hashtag FATE.  Careful Ben.  Somewhere Caila is slowly making her very own Ben hair doll.

Caila wastes no time with the creep factor, instantly running into Ben’s arms, forcing him to hold her in his arms as soon as she gets two feet out the limo door.

Most Likely to Abuse Access to Laughing Gas and Prescription Drugs

Mandi!

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[photo source]

Can you believe this chick actually holds a medical license?  When Ben comments on her giant rose hat, she responds saying that “maybe if things go well tonight, you can pollinate it later.”  Class act.

Mandi is no shrinking violet.  In fact, she’s the opposite; she’s the first impression rose.  She seizes the first opportunity to steal Ben away from the group while he’s mid-sentence welcoming all the ladies on this “epic journey.”  Mandi wastes no time crossing boundaries and insists on giving Ben an oral examination (not that kind, you sicko!).  “If we’re going to make out, you have to floss,” says Mandi, the dentist.  Something tells me she says that way too often to her patients too.

Most Likely to Be A Porn Star

Or stars, I should say.  This award goes to the Twins.  The 22 year old Vegas twins.  Whose contract just ran out with the circus.

Emily and Haley are bottle blonds who love their act as twins.  ferguson-twins-1-750x522-1444058014.jpg

[photo source]

These two surely embody the midwestern small-town values Ben wants in his future wife.  They tell the cameras that dating twins is every man’s fantasy.  To calm Ben, the girls tell him, “it’s not weird for us so it shouldn’t be weird for you.”  I’m not even sure what this means anymore.

Most Likely To Be Confused With a Little Child 

If you only heard her voice, you would definitely think this was a 6 year old.  And if you only saw her tiny little body and tiny little frame you would still think it’s a 6 year old.  But don’t be fooled. This tiny lady with the tiny voice is actually a mother two two, presumably, little children. Meet Amanda.

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She’s just like the tiniest adult I’ve ever seen.  I want to hear her yell.  Is it possible?

Most Likely To Stab A Fellow Contestant While They Are Sleeping

What an award!  The deserving lady is Lace. That’s her actual name.  Lace.  In case you are confused as to which chick she is, she wore a lace dress, as to not confuse Ben.

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[photo source]

Oh Lace.  You seem like such a delight! My favorite kind of woman is the type who gets super drunk, acts majorly insecure, cries multiple times, sizes herself up against the competition and declares herself the prettiest, attempts to make out with a person upon first seeing them, gets upset when said person rejects them, gets more upset when said person doesn’t make enough eye contact, and generally acts like a psycho.  Love those types.  We heard the following gems from Lace:

  • I’m just sitting here judging everyone, because that’s the point, right?
  • Next.
  • I feel like there are some dumb ones.  I feel like there are some pretty ones.
  • That’s really BEEPING special.
  • I don’t think there is one girl so far that is competition.  I think I’m way prettier than everyone.  Like, you know.
  • She’s so fake.
  • Do my boobs look ok?
  • I am not going to let Becca get in my way tonightttt. I’m gonna get a roseeee. (slow your roll there Lace- your words are getting pretty sloppy).
  • I’m getting a rose tonight. (By way of murder?)
  • That b*tch. (an actual quote.  Mind you, these are all actual quotes.)
  • He hasn’t even looked me once in the eye. (But has he looked you in the eyes?)
  • Let’s be honest, who wants a BEEPING virgin? (I think quite a few people, actually. Or was that a rhetorical question?)
  • Do you even notice me? HELLO?! (no, I do not.  I refuse to).
  • If you want me to go home, just tell me to go home.  (GO HOME!)
  • You did not look at me once.  You would not look at me.  I watched you. (Creepy).

When Lace can no longer take the heat, she gets out of the kitchen and takes matters into her own hands.  It’s time to make out with Ben.  Seems completely appropriate. Ben decides not to follow in the footsteps of most hated Bachelor ever, Juan Pablo, and tells Lace not to listen to Rod Steward: tonight is not the night.  Lace vows to seek revenge for the rest. of. her. life. Black widow, you have met your match.

Most Likely To Tie Ben Up and Hold Him Against His Will

I might be getting this idea from a movie, namely, the Wedding Crashers, because this girl looks just like Isla Fisher!  Plus, we all know it’s Caila who is most likely to tie Ben up and hold him against his will.  Meet JoJo (unclear if she is a member of amazing duo K-Ci and JoJo).

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[photo source]

JoJo wears a unicorn mask thing so Ben knows unicorns really do exist.  As do doppelgängers. Jojo actually seems fairly normal and pretty adorable.  This award is totally undeserving but for the fact that she looks like Isla Fisher.  I think she agrees – her bio indicates the Wedding Crashers is her favorite movie. Liar. We all know Shopaholic is your favorite Isla movie.

There are plenty of beautiful women for Ben to choose from– Olivia, Becca, Amber, Jubiliee, the adorable red-head he sent home who sadly calls herself Red Velvet, the girl who doesn’t speak English, etc.  How sad would you be if Ben chose a girl who didn’t speak a lick of English over you?

What do you guys think?  Excited for completely average Ben to be your Bachelor?  Is Lace getting a bad edit or is she really just that crazy? Does Ben floss daily?   Does every rose have its thorns?

IS THERE A SINGLE CONTESTANT OVER THE AGE OF 30?  Sigh.  Excuse me, I have some anti-aging eye cream I need to go administer.

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Like a Virgin

Basically, I stink.  Worst blogger in the history of bloggers.  I’m so sorry for my major major delay AGAIN in posting.  I was still dealing with some personal things that precluded me from doing a recap of the overnight dates.  Oh and also, my hand is too sore to type from having to haul this new thing around:

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That’s right.  I’ve accepted the final rose!  Now let’s start analyzing who might accept the Farmer’s final rose…

ABC has finally decided to spend a little money and take the remaining three women and Farmer, to Bali.  Megan is somewhere shaking her head that she’s not going to get a second stamp in her passport.  Farmer says that if he’s going to pop a Neil Lane on someone’s finger at the end of this journey, then he needs to make sure they are down for a little somethin’ somethin’ in the bedroom.  He uses the term “intimacy,” but we all know that translates to “somethin’ somethin’.”  Basically, Farmer is going for three for three.

One on One: Kaitlyn 

Kaitlyn gets to go first (lucky lady – how would you like to go third?  Ick.).  For the date, Kaitlyn picks out a pair of light pink shorts she borrowed from her 13-year-old sister.  She wraps her legs around Farmer when she greets him and we are moments away from needing a Jillian privacy box.  The two of them head into a sacred temple, where they aren’t allowed to kiss, and where multiple sarongs need to be wrapped round Kaitlyn, since she essentially left the hotel in her underwear.

They spend the rest of the date talking to locals, walking through the streets and letting monkeys crawl on top of Farmer’s head. At dinner, Kailtyn says she is going to let her guard down tonight.  Farmer is totally stoked.  He hands her the card, which still reads: “Welcome to the magical island of Bali.  I hope you are enjoying your stay.  Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.”  How weird is it that they still use the word fantasy?  Ew.  That grosses me out.  They both agree they “deserve,” this and head off to the fantasy suite, which includes a bath of rose petals.   She tells him she is falling in love with him and he says he’s falling in love with her.  Wowza!  Really?  Farmer, I don’t think you’re supposed to say that!

One on One: Whitney 

Farmer must like Whit a little more than Kaitlyn because he takes her on a beautiful boat ride with champagne.  Whit dwells on her hometown date and basically tells Farmer she hopes her sister didn’t ruin her chances of marriage.  Farmer tells Whit he respects her sister’s position but it doesn’t change anything.  He in confident when the time is right, sister will give Farmer her blessing.  They jump into the ocean, which looks cold and tumultuous, and talk about metaphors related to jumping and love.

At dinner, Farmer talks about Arlington and whether Whit could actually move there.  Whit tells Farmer that she would probably never choose to move to the middle of nowhere BUT she always felt like something was missing and wants marriage and children to complete her.  She says babies will be her career.  Well, babies are kind of all ready your career Whit…

Whit feels confident enough to move to Arlington and also to forgo her individual room key.  Luckily, ABC puts them in a clean room.

One on One: Becca 

Becca decides to wear really weird black rain repellant gym shorts on this date.  I don’t know why.  When in Bali. She knows today is the day she has to finally tell Farmer that she’s a virgin.  Meanwhile, Farmer is contemplating that he’s about to go three for three. Farmer and Becca explore the Bali countryside and make out in a river.  They meet with some Bali guru who gives Becca advice to make love tonight.  Becca literally has sweat beads pouring off her face.  Ten bucks says the guru works for ABC.

Becca and Farmer talk about Arlington and how small it is.  Becca says there’s no way in heck she’s moving to Arlington unless she’s really sure about Farmer.  She says she’s still sorting through her feelings for Farmer.  Honesty is not going to get you to the end Becca.  If you want to win this thing, then you tell him Arlington is everything you’ve ever dreamed of.  You can’t wait to sport the Iowa hairdo.

Farmer says it’s time to get to know each other on a “whole new level.”  Uh oh. Sorry Farmer, you will not gain carnal knowledge of Becca tonight.  Becca agrees to spend the night in the fantasy suite nicer hotel room than her own and break the news to Farmer.  She takes so long to tell him, I start to wonder if he is worried about her anatomy.  Finally she gets it out.  The V word.  Chris lets out a big sigh.  He was so close to winning 100 bucks from Harrison.  Farmer stumbles over his words and says it’s not easy to respond but that he respects that.  Then they make out.

Rose Ceremony 

In the morning, Farmer is confused.  How will he know if Becca is marriage material without knowing her intimately?  Also, she doesn’t want to move to Arlington.  Like, sup with that?

The girls are all dressed in their finest Bali-wear.  Farmer wears a karate uniform. Farmer does not know what to do and pulls Becca aside.  Kaitlyn and Whit start prematurely celebrating their impending move to Arlington.  Not so fast (Kaitlyn!).

They chit chat about Arlington more and Farmer tells Becca he really cares about her and is just trying to make a good decision.  Farmer brings Becca back to the rose ceremony.  Kaitlyn’s eyes bug out upon seeing Becca and she whispers an “oh shoot” under her breath.  And for good reason.  Whit is mad too. She says about Becca, “She’s young.  She lacks life experience and she’s not ready.”  Someone sounds threatened.

Becca and Whit are going home to Iowa.  Kaitlyn is taking the lonely plane ride back to Canada. Whit has a smug mug on when she sees Kaitlyn get rejected.  How are these the final two?  Boring and even more boring.

When Farmer says goodbye to Kaitlyn, she refuses to look him in the eyes.  As Farmer hugs her, we can hear his pounding heart.  I hope they have an ABC medic near; that is a racing heart!  She replays the fantasy date night in her head and definitely wishes she was a virgin in this moment.  A rooster crows in the middle of Chris’ explanation, which consisted of a series of “I don’t knows.”  Another rooster crows, signaling it’s time for Kaitlyn to get in the rejection van.

Farmer is left contemplating his fate with the sweatiest arm pits I’ve ever seen.  Someone get this man a towel. And a new shirt.

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Mom, Don’t Google my Wife

Five hours.  I spent five hours of my life watching last week’s episodes of the Bachelor.  And then one of my sisters hadn’t seen some of the show so I watched three more hours for a second time.   The word you’re looking for to describe me is “pathetic.”

But, faithful readers, I have a slight issue.  I just don’t think I can fully recap five hours worth of TV before the next episode airs tonight.  You see, I’ve had a busy busy week.  Life got in the way and I simply ran out of time.  And I might have bronchitis.  Or maybe I just had a little too grand of a time in New Orleans last week.  Either way, I  left New Orleans with 137 pounds of beads, a wicked cold, half my lung function, and a very squished King Cake.

So let’s talk as quickly as I can about the five hours of your life you’ll never get back.

Hour One: The Interviews 

Black Widow is still half a bubble off plumb.  I read an interview with Kardashley and Kardashley said Black Widow told her the following:

I didn’t get the autopsy back for two months, so for two months I was worried that I fed him something wrong.

You guys.  Come on.  I am more convinced than ever that Kelsey will end up on Dateline one of these days.

Farmer said nothing interesting in his interview.

Andi came on to sob on camera about her heartbreak over Josh.  I was totally focused on Andi’s face – did anyone else think it looked like it was made of plastic?  Botox?  It didn’t move!  Do you guys think she’s trying to make a second run at the Bachelorette?

Hours Two and Three: Deadwood to Dead Iowa

When the show resumed, the group was still in Deadwood (if you recall, Farmer had just left Black Widow and Kardashley in the Badlands).  Farmer isn’t done dumping women quite yet though.  He returns to the remaining women and sends Megan home.  Probably a good idea.  I hope she has her passport.

Farmer tells the girls that he wants to take them to a place near and dear to his heart: Iowa.  The girls all hoot and holler.  If I were on this show I’d be like wait, really?  We are leaving South Dakota and headed to Iowa?  How did I end up on the season where the exotic dates take place in Des Moines?  Where are the trips to Thailand?  And Lake Louise?

Jade gets the first one on one date and heads to Arlington, Farmer’s home town.  He thinks Jade will fit in well there because she’s from a small Nebraska town and has those wholesome small town values.  Like getting naked for Playboy.  Jade gets a tour of deserted Arlington, sees Farmer’s Bachelor pad (it’s a nice Bachelor pad, at least) and then attends the local high school football game.  Then she gets a tour of Farmer’s high school because, well, it’s Arlington and there’s nothing left to see.

Whit Whit gets the second one-on-one date.  The two of them traipse around Des Moines taking pictures of each other.  And that’s all that happens.  Whitney gets to meet Farmer’s three best friends and they all seem to have a grand time.  And this is why watching peoples every day lives is completely boring.  Nothing about this date was exciting but it was completely normal.  Guess what ABC, normal does not make ratings.  Bring back Black Widow!

Meanwhile, back at the Des Moines Holiday Inn, Carly, Britt, Becca and Kaitlyn are all discussing Arlington.  Then the ABC producers suggest it occurs to one of them that they should rent a car and drive to Arlington. ” Like, we’ll all go.  Road trip!”  Name the movie!

The girls cruise down I-80, stopping to take pictures at the Worlds Largest Truck Stop and giggle and scream when they see the sign marking the spot for Arlington.  But then they realize the sign WAS Arlington.  They blow through “downtown” and suddenly realize that the abandoned filling station WAS downtown.  Britt can’t even.  They find the local pastor, who happens to be on his front porch shucking corn and singing hymns and ask him where they can drink tequila around these parts.  Pastor tells him they have to drive beyond the corn rows to find tequila, dinner, and movies.  I’m half expecting Professor Harold Hill to appear with a suitcase full of musical instruments.

Alas, the girls return to the big city and Britt suddenly had a change of heart.  She CAN live in Arlington because she’s seen the sun set there.  And since the sun sets in Arlington, it can’t be that bad.  Carly is not having any of this.  She thinks Britt is fake and she’s had enough – she plans to tell Farmer as soon as she can.  Meanwhile, Jade pulls Carly aside to confide about her nude modeling past and asks if Carly thinks Farmer will be into that.  Carly’s eyebrows, although permanently surprised looking, manage to become more arched.  Carly tells the camera, “hey mom, don’t google my wife!”

Later, Britt, Carly and Kaitlyn head to a rink to play some hockey.  Carly takes this opportunity to tell Farmer that Britt is a big fat phony and that just because she’s pretty doesn’t mean she should always get her way.  Farmer is stunned to learn that Britt didn’t LOVE Arlington because 10 seconds ago Britt was just raving to Farmer about how she could totally picture herself chasing her children through the corn fields and rocking on the front porch each night.

Kaitlyn gets the group date rose and Britt starts to unravel.  She legit loses it.  In front of Carly, and rose-receiver Kaitlyn, Britt basically says to Farmer why the BEEP would you give the rose to that chick when I’m sitting right here. Then she pretty much says, no offense Kaitlyn, but really, like I’m here and I’m obviously like way prettier than you and like, Farmer always gives me the rose.  Why would you validate her feelings and not mine?  I. AM. THE. ONLY. ONE. WHO. MATTERS.

Hours Four and Five: Dead Iowa to Hometown Dates

Yes, seriously.  Hours four and five.  Why did we do this to ourselves?  Amazingly enough, my boyfriend sat through the entire FIVE HOURS because he couldn’t really make a scene about it in front of my sister. Ha!

Becca receives the last one on one date in Des Moines.  It’s boring.  Like her.  But I like her yellow shirt!  Next!

At the hotel, Britt tells the girls she is going to send herself home.  She just can’t be with someone who doesn’t validate her and gives roses to Kaitlyn over herself.  Carly rolls her eyes, sighs and questions Britt.  Britt says there’s probably nothing Farmer can say to get her to stay.  Kaitlyn says Britt probably wants to see if Farmer will fight for her, otherwise she’s leaving first.

It’s time for the cocktail party except right when the girls are ready to get their drink on the Almighty Chris pops in to say Farmer knows what he wants to do and thus a cocktail party is not necessary.  Britt starts to panic.  She was going to tell Farmer she was leaving during the drink hour!  As soon as Farmer appears with the roses she pulls him aside and reiterates her love for the farm life.  Farmer isn’t buying it and tells her basically he knows she’s faking it.  And he doesn’t want a wife like this. Britt cries pretty tears in the driveway while Carly gleefully tells the camera that this is what happens to normal girls.  And then Carly is sent home.

It’s time for hometown dates!  Becca is up first. Farmer goes to visit her perfect little family in Louisiana.  Boring day.  Becca is a virgin blah blah blah.

Next, Farmer heads to Chicago to visit Whitney’s family.  Whitney tries to test Farmer’s little swimmers.  She takes him to a room where he can make his deposit.  As he sits down to sift through the pile of Playboys he’s stunned when he sees Jade!  Whitney reassures Farmer that she’s never once posed nude and is safe to google.  Farmer asks Whitney’s sister for permission to marry Whitney and sister basically says eh I don’t think so.  Whitney is crushed but Farmer doesn’t seem too fazed.  Anyone else notice he didn’t seek permission from any of the other girls’ families?

Farmer goes to visit the Canadian next in Phoenix, because, as I said, this season is the USA version and there is simply no international traveling.  Canadian makes Farmer rap, which I’m totally over.  Blah blah blah.  Boring.

And finally, Farmer heads to nowhere Nebraska to visit wholesome Jade.  Jade is proud that her town is 10 times bigger than Arlington.  Jades’s brothers call her a wild mustang and Jade’s dad tells Farmer Jade is totally out of control and he has no idea.  Farmer tells Jade’s dad he likes Jade because of her values.  Dad stares blankly.  Jade decides that she needs to tell Farmer ASAP about her naked past before he takes to google himself.  Back at the local Super 8, Jade tells Farmer that she did some nude modeling and then asks if she can show him the photos.  Oh AND a video.  Farmer doesn’t know where to look and is beyond awkward yet hopeful that he can re-google all of this later in private.  Jade is pleased.

But then Jade is eliminated because as Carly said, “mom, don’t google my wife.”

This week we have the fantasy suite dates!  Woohoo!

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I Know What You Did

pan·ic
/’panik/
noun
1.   sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behavior.
      “she fell to the floor in panic”

       synonyms: alarm, anxiety, nervousness, fear, fright, trepidation, dread, terror, agitation, hysteria, consternation,
perturbation, dismay, apprehension.


Panic.  It’s where the Bachelor left us last week and where we start off episode six.

pho·ny

/’fōnē/

informal adjective

1.   not genuine; fraudulent; black widow.

“I thought your panic attack was a bit phony”    

synonyms: bogus, false, fake, fraudulent, spurious; Kelsey.

Phony.  It’s also where episode six begins.  To be more precise, there’s a phony pile of panic attack laying on the floor outside the bathroom in the form of Kelsey.  Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey.  We’ve seen a lot colorful characters roam the rose-lined halls of Bachelor High but we’ve never seen anyone quite like you.  As the Canadian said, “bitches be crazy.”


Rewind to last week.  Kelsey becomes nervous after Farmer unexpectedly cancels the rose ceremony.  She decides her dead husband story was not the nail in the coffin she had hoped it would be to secure her the rose.  And drastic times call for drastic measures.  Thus, Kelsey falls to the floor outside the bathroom in a perfect heap, her legs firmly together.  When she gets herself positioned just so, she starts emitting the most pitiful sounds.  Not quite a cry, not quite a hyperventilation.  The medic arrives and Kelsey tells the medic the only thing that will stop the panic is Farmer.  She tells the medic that after this she better get a rose tonight, in fact she better get the whole bunch.  As she laughs.  Funny how jovial you can be in the midst of a major panic attack.

Kelsey rejoins the other ladies after she’s decided to stop having a panic attack, where the girls are less than believing.  Ashley summed it up best, “total phony-baloney.”  When all is said and done, Kelsey tells the camera that the one feeling she can express today is “how happy” she is.  The feeling I’m feeling right now is fear.   She’s the black widow, baby.

Because Black Widow’s “episode” spanned two episodes, we go straight to the rose ceremony that should have happened last week.  Mackenzie and some chick you’ve never seen before in your life get sent home.  Next stop?  Deadwood, South Dakota!

I actually love South Dakota.  Such a fun state – so beautiful and so many cool things to see!

One on One: Becca – Let’s Give Love a Shot

Black Widow is not happy.  She says this is not ok.  She didn’t go through all that acting just to lose out on the one on one date.  Watch your back Farmer.

Farmer and Becca head into the country-side on horseback.  But the real drama is back in the hotel room where Carly and some other ladies decide it’s time to confront the Black Widow about her wily ways.  Here’s how the conversation went down:

  • Whitney: *High voice* Ok, so.  I just need tahhh beh open about my feelin’s.  At the rose ceremony you were laughin’.  An’ I thought how can she be so lighthearted about all this right nah?
  • Kelsey: *Feigning confusion and innocence* I didn’t start laughing.
  • Carly:  Yes you did, YOU PSYCHO.
  • Kelsey: I did?
  • Whitney: You got sick in the bathroom. And then you said you better get a rose.
  • Kelsey: Laughter.
  • Kelsey: I overcame a significant emotional hurdle.  Because you know, I’m widowed.  And I have fake tears in my eyes because I think it makes me more convincing.  I’ve never had a panic attack in my entire life.  *Whispering for dramatic effect* It was terrifying.
  • Carly:  You’re a psycho.  Farmer doesn’t see this side of you. You are not nice and make sly comments.
  • Kelsey: I have so much respect and admiration and I just genuinely like you guys.  I’m glad we had this conversation.  I’ll do my best to be mindful.

After, Kelsey tells the camera, “I get it.  I am blessed with eloquence.  And I’m articulate.  And I use a lot of big words because I’m smart.”

Has anyone ever heard Kelsey use “big” words?  Do eloquence and articulate count?

But I digress.  There is a really boring date to get back to.  Becca and Farmer talk about their five year plan and it’s definitely better than when Farmer asked the body builder that question.  Rose and first kiss for Becca.

Back at the Deadwood Suites, the group date card arrives.  That means that the other date is the dreaded two-on-one date.   And who better to go on that date than Black Widow v. Kardashley.   Kardashley is excited because she says she’s going to kick some Black Widow booty.  Black Widow is excited because she’s going to use either poison or black magic to win this round.

Group  Date: Let’s Make Sweet Music

The girls are joined by country group Big & Rich to compose songs to perform for Farmer.  Jade is paralyzed with fear.  It’s much easier posing nude (Jade posed with nothin’ but her birthday suit on for Playboy).  Whitney and Megan are totally excited because they are Southern gals and love country music.  Britt is unfamiliar with the duo but likes the idea of Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.

Jade Tells Big (or maybe Rich) that she’s on the struggle bus and feels stupid.  He suggests she get naked but when she says no, he decides making her run down the streets of Deadwood is the next best thing.  Jade’s fears are overcome. PS – I’m now secretly loving Big & Rich.  They seem like such sweet guys!

Meanwhile, Britt and Farmer hang all over each other and make out while the other girls look on with rage and jealousy pumping through their veins.  Britt doesn’t know why everyone is mad at her – she’s just testing out her song lyrics, “save a horse, ride a farm boy.”

Performance time.  Here’s a recap:

  • Farmer: *Chugs beer* I’m on ahhhhh journey to find my wifffffffe. Baby come home with me. Corn rows.
  • Britt:  *Moving to the beat/ Raspy voice* I wanna hear that sweet sweet music.  Don’t let me down.
  • Whitney: *Higher octave than her normal voice – didn’t know it was possible* windows break.
  • Canadian: Swearing and rapping. Obviously.
  • Megan: Surprisingly good voice.  Something about being speechless.  Does that explain why she seems like such an airhead?
  • Carly: *Professional singer* goes for gold by making Farmer sit next to her while she serenades him.
  • Jade: *For some reason this is sung in Whitney’s octave* more glass shattering.

Farmer decides he’d rather spend the rest of the night alone making out with Britt without the glaring judgmental eyes of the other ladies, so Britt and Farmer take off running to escape prying eyes.  They find themselves on stage at the Big & Rich concert, making out on stage.  Rose for Britt.  Meanwhile, the rest of the girls on this “date” are left to stew alone on the couch, wondering where their “boyfriend” went.  When Britt and Farmer finally take their tongues out of each other’s mouths and return to the group, they are met with icy stares, silence and tears.  Farmer excuses himself and leaves Britt to deal with the death stares.

Two-on-One Date: Crazy v. Crazier 

Ashley v. Kelsey.  Kardashley v. Black Widow.  Immature v. Scary.  What do you think?  Who is better for Farmer?  Virgin?  Or the one who KNOWS what it’s like to be a wife?

The trio takes a very long, mostly silent, and excruciatingly awkward helicopter ride to the Badlands.  As soon as Kardashley gets Farmer alone, she relies on her only trick up her sleeve: sloppily making out with him.  Farmer pries Kardashley off of him so he can get the scoop on Kelsey.  He wants to know if she’s as whacked out as he fears.  Kardashley tells Farmer, Black Widow doesn’t gel with the rest of the group.  Because she’s diagnosed as a sociopath on the DSM.

With that information, Farmer pulls Kelsey aside to throw Kardashley under the bus.  It went something like this:

  • Farmer: Kardashley says you’re the black widow.  Nobody likes you.  Sup with that?
  • Kelsey:  I am prepared to be a wife because I’ve been one.  I know how to be a wife.  The question is do you want me to be YOUR wife?
  • Farmer: Um, no.  You terrify me.  I want my wife to be able to handle social situations well.  Someone who people want to be around.  Kardashley says you are fake. That scares me.
  • Kelsey: Maniacal laughter.  I am SO HURT.  I considered Kardashley my BEST FRIEND FOREVER.  I don’t know what else to say.  I am just being myself (scary thought).  I’m not lost in this world of roses and Harrison.  This is my choice. I would hate for you to let go of all of the potential between us because of “girl talk.”

Black Widow tells the camera, “I just got thrown under the bus.  That is HURTFUL.   HURTFUL.  She’s a Kardashian wanna-be who didn’t get to go on her princess date.  Who has WAY TOO MUCH MAKEUP on to be genuine.  I am a WOMAN. She thinks she’s playing a game but I’m not.”

And then the scariest thing EVER happens.  Black Widow comes back to some random bed plopped down in the middle of the Badlands to stare down Kardashley.  After what seems like an hour, Black Widow says, “I know what you did.  And I do not appreciate it.”  In the most terrifying tone I’ve ever heard.  Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

256A183200000578-2943546-image-a-81_1423278671175

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2943546/The-Bachelor-pits-Ashley-versus-Kelsey-dramatic-clip-two-one-date-Chris-Soules.html

Kardashley came back with the best lines ever though.  In fact, I officially love Kardashley after she stands up to Kelsey’s bullying.  She says, “Just because I don’t use as many big words as you doesn’t mean I’m not as smart.  Sorry I’m not from pleasantville, I’m from friggin’ 2014.  You and I both have our masters, and I have it from a good place.  And if you don’t think I’m intelligent to see through you, you’re friggin’ hilarious.”  Lots of friggin’s, but Girl’s from Jersey so I’m going to let that slide.

Kardashley storms off to find Farmer to give him an ear full.  And I don’t blame her.  What a jerk for soliciting her opinion of Kelsey and then TELLING Kelsey what Kardashley said about her.  Wrong Farmer, wrong.  I wish Kardashley would have told Farmer she was leaving but instead Farmer dumps her first.

Farmer tells Kardashley that the Five ‘n Dime General Store in the next town over only gets five pairs of fake eyelashes in a year and it’s usually around Halloween.  He just doesn’t see her living in Iowa given her propensity for all things princess.  Kardashley responds with another apropos zinger, “Oh and you think that Britt wants that lifestyle?  Seriously?”  Touché, Princess, touché.

Black Widow becomes smug when she thinks she got the rose, only to quickly realize Farmer is sending her packing too.  When Kelsey’s luggage gets whisked away at the hotel, the girls seriously start screaming, hollering, poppin’ bottles and dancing.  I’ve never seen a more jovial group of ladies.

I’m a little sad to see Kardashley go – she entertained me in a good way.  Kelsey on the other hand, good riddance.  What do you guys think?  Is Kelsey the black widow?  Is she really that manipulative and conniving? This week we get TWO episodes!

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Isn’t My Story Amazing?

Oh boy.  This week.  Where do I even start?  Do we talk about Kelsey’s sociopathic tendencies?  Do we conduct a geography lesson for Megan, who is beyond excited to “leave the country” for the first time ever and head to New Mexico?  Do we discuss  Britt’s hygiene habits?  So much to talk about, so little time.  Let’s start in Santa Fe, New Mexico.  Get your passports handy.

The plane touches down in New Mexico and Megan is surprised and disappointed that for some reason she doesn’t need to convert her dollars to pesos.  She remains hopeful though that the locals will all wear sombreros.

One on One Date: Carly- Let’s Come Together 

Oye.  This date.  One of the most awkward dates I’ve ever watched.  PS, did you guys know Carly is Zak’s sister from Des’ season?  Zak made it to the final four (to jog your memory, he was always taking his clothes off.  Seems like Carly has a little more restrain than her brother).

bachelorette-zak-w-desiree

{photo source: https://thebigkibitz.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/bachelorette-zak-w-desiree.png}

Did anyone notice Carly’s adorable silver feather earrings?  So fun! Looks like the girls did some Southwest shopping.

Carly and Farmer head to their date, which will be led by some mediating Kama Sutra love guru.  The guru tells Farmer and Carly that she wants to bring more juiciness into the relationship.  I mean, do they need to make things more juicy for a first date?

The guru has the couple change into some white linen outfits, which make obtaining juiciness more feasible.  She also burns sage and makes them inhale it until they are high.  Farmer is optimistic but also concerned as to “how weird this is going to get.”

And weird it gets.

Carly blindfolds Farmer and is instructed to breathe all over him.  Carly requests some mouthwash and apologizes to Farmer for all the garlic she ate last night.  Then she proceeds to run chocolate all over Farmer’s lips.  If this isn’t sexy, I don’t know what is:

10-the-bachelor-week-5

{photo source: https://noshameonlypride.wordpress.com}

As if this couldn’t be any more awkward, guru tells the couple that they will now derobe each other.  When it’s time to take Farmer’s pants off, Carly has had enough.  She tells him she’s really uncomfortable and isn’t ready to take his pants off in front of guru and all of the cameras.  Farmer is relieved too because he accidentally put on his Sunday undies, which have a hole in them.  As punishment for their failure to remove all their clothes, guru makes Carly straddle Farmer and breathe directly into his mouth and nose for five minutes straight.

Back at the Mexican hotel, Kelsey is sitting around with some of the girls when they started asking about the death of Kelsey’s husband.  Kesley nonchalantly tells them, “he collapsed, he died.”  Then, she had a hard time recalling the medical term for his heart failure.  To quote Kelsey, “umm…what’s it called?  It’s called congestive heart failure.”  She concludes with “and darlin’ that is life.”  Is this chick for real?  You had to think about what he died from?  How is that NOT automatic?  You couldn’t even muster up one tear?  Darlin’ that is life?  It was like a mother explaining the death of a bug to her toddler.  Yes, it’s true, that’s life, but THIS. IS. NOT. NORMAL.

On the date, Carly tells Farmer she has not been intimate with someone for a year and a half.  Then she tells him her last boyfriend would not touch her and they did not have a physical relationship.  Farmer offers to have sex with her so long as she doesn’t judge the hole in his undies.  Rose for Carly.

Group Date: I’m Rapidly Falling in Love

The girls head with Farmer to do some whitewater rafting on the Rio Grande.  I’ve never been whitewater rafting but it’s on my list.  Well that is until I saw Jade get hurled from the raft into the rapids.

But Jade played it well.  She needed Farmer to rub her feet to keep her from getting hypothermic. All the girls are jealous of Jade’s blue extremities and contemplate propelling themselves into the freezing cold rapids.

The girls change out of their sporty apparel in exchange for their cocktail dresses.  Or in Kardashley’s case, her finest figure skating costume that she wore for her long program in middle school.  PS, how great is the nickname Kardashley?  Thank you to one fine reader for that clever name!

As Farmer heads to the cocktail party, he is intercepted by former contestant Jordan.  Who’s that you ask?  Jordan was the student from Colorado who was more interested in Jack, Jose, and Johnny than she was in Farmer.  Girl liked to drink.  Jordan drove from Colorado to New Mexico to tell Farmer she’s joined AA and as such, she needs to make amends.  Farmer offers Jordan the chance to feed her to the group of piranhas, who want nothing more than to eat Jordan alive.  Also, the producers told Farmer to let her stay to increase the  level of drama.  Plus, wow, did you see the makeover they gave her?  She looked like a new person!

The girls take Farmer aside and one by one tell him why Jordan is not right for him:

  • Kardashley: I mean, she like, drinks like, a lot.  And like, I don’t think she’s wife material.  I’m wife material.  I’m a princess and wives like, always, wear fake eyelashes and a weave.  And I’m like, way more, mature than, like her.
  • Megan: It’s like crazy.
  • Kelsey: Redemption is a beautiful thing. [Insert evil laughter].

Kardashley starts to lose it.  She tells the girls that Jordan blew her chance (actually, I think she drank her chance) and there are no second chances when it comes to the Bachelor.  Because you know, in life, there are NO SECOND CHANCES.  Said nobody ever.  Kardashley decides that the best approach is the middle school approach: be mean to Jordan at every opportunity.  Any girl who DARES speak kindly to Jordan is out of the Eyelash Club. FOR.EVER.  Whitney tells Kardashley she doesn’t want to be in the club because her momma taught her to treat others how you want to be treated.  Whit tells that camera that Farmer does not want a mean girl as a wife.  I agree with that statement.

Back at the hotel, Britt receives the second one-on-one date card and starts to cry.  She’s scared of heights and her date involves some sort of height thing.  Britt, you gotta lie on the “fear” section of your application!  Tell them you are scared of shopping!  And getting massages!  But never admit your true fears!

Farmer decides it’s time to tell Jordan she needs to leave.  ABC has gotten the footage they need to make this episode interesting and now he’s contractually free to do what he wants to Jordan.  Jordan returns to the girls where they abruptly put down the knives they were shoving in Jordan’s proverbial back to whisper in her ear “I’ll always admire you” (I’m looking at you Kelsey) as they shove her out the door.  Insecure Kardashley does all she can to resist yelling, “don’t let the door hit you in the rear on your way out!”

Farmer gives the group date rose to Whitney.  Kardashley can barely contain her rage.  How dare Whitney receive the rose when she refused to be part of the Be Mean to Jordan Club!  Kardashley tells the camera that she can’t believe Whit got the rose, when earlier on the date she looked at Whitney and thought, “I don’t really have to worry about… that.”  Tears start to form and Kardashley excuses herself so she can bad-mouth Whitney more thoroughly.  Kard tells her only friend, Mackenzie, “I just think she’s fake as BEEP.  I just see him with a girl who’s super real.”  Mack, in another insightful moment, tells Kard, “I just don’t think you like her.”  Touché.

One on One Britt

Here’s what we are about to learn about Britt:  1) She sleeps with make-up on every night; 2) She doesn’t shower; 3) She doesn’t want to get married or have children; 4) She’s a unicorn.

Ok so not all of that information is factual.  Farmer shows up in the girls’ hotel room to wake up Britt at 4:30 AM for her date.  Britt follows the Boy Scouts of America motto, “always be prepared,” and as such she chooses to sleep in a full face of make-up every night.  Just in case.  Including glittery eye shadow.  And lip gloss.

I guess I don’t judge Britt for wearing make-up at all times when you’re going to be on national television.  I would probably do the same.  One time I was not wearing make-up (amongst other issues including a lack of sleep, disheveled hair, and a hoodie) and I was out in public.  My mom looked at me and said, “I’ve never seen you look so awful!”  While most people would be offended, we just laughed and laughed because, well, it was true!  It was not my finest moment.  If I were on this show, I would want to avoid hearing my mother or anyone else’s mother say, “wow she should put some makeup on, look how bad she looks!”

Farmer takes Britt to a hot air balloon for a ride.  Man, I’m jealous of this too.  So fun!  Also, for some reason, Britt’s paralyzing phobia of heights is somehow magically assuaged just by Farmer’s presence.  Naturally.

Back at the hotel, the girls take to doing what they do best: badmouthing their competition.  The girls start talking about Britt’s hygiene and claim that she has yet to take a shower on the show.  Or doesn’t shower very frequently.  I’m not buying it.  Britt’s hair is SO clean and flowy and beautiful.  Maybe she can go a week between washes, but who cares?  I’d love it if I only had to wash my hair once a week!  Plus, science says that soap is actually not good for your skin and it’s better to just rinse.  Girl is just being healthy.

Meanwhile, back on the date, Farmer takes Britt back to his hotel, where according to Britt, they take a nap.  Britt tells Farmer she wants a hundred kids (potential hyperbole, I hope) but Kardashley is back at the hotel spreading rumors that Britt wants to remain single and does not want children.  Kardashley seems like such a reliable source.  Definitely believe everything that comes out of her mouth.

Britt returns from the date and mistakenly tells the girls that she just spent the afternoon in Farmer’s bed.  Taking a nap.  Wink face.

Kelsey realizes her time on the Bachelor is rapidly coming to an end so what a better time than now to manipulate Farmer.  What works best for manipulation?  Tales about your dead husband!  Kelsey shows up unannounced in Farmer’s hotel room and relays her “amazing” story to Farmer.  She tries to produce a few crocodile tears but fails to get any to actually roll down her cheeks.  While Farmer tries to process this information, Kelsey uses this as an opportunity to make out with Farmer.  I mean why not.  Dead husbands are GREAT pick up material.  Ick.

She gleefully tells the camera, “I’m just… ahh… isn’t my story amazing?  It’s tragic, but it’s amazing.”

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{photo source: https://us.beamly.com/exclusives/2015/02/03/kelsey-makes-move-bachelor-work/}

She seriously said this.  With a massive smile on her face.  On camera.  To the world.  I was honestly scared of Kelsey in this moment.  Something is really wrong here.  I’ve considered editing yet I cannot believe under what circumstance that statement would be ok.  She concludes with, “I love my story.”  Oh and something about how this is her love story and tune in on Mondays at 8:00 PM to watch it unfold.  Do you think there was an emergency school board meeting about Kelsey’s employment status as a guidance counselor as soon as this episode aired?  I mean, my child would NOT be allowed to seek Kelsey out for any reason.

The Cocktail Party that Wasn’t

Farmer shows up at the cocktail party rattled by his recent conversation with Kelsey.  He has to end the conversation mid-sentence as he starts to cry.  Kelsey sticks another pin into her voodoo doll.

The Almighty Chris comes in to tell the girls that Farmer is extremely emotional and does not want to have a cocktail party.  Kelsey’s rose-receiving confidence starts to waver and she starts calculating plan b: a panic attack.  Guys, I’m just not buying it!  Kelsey goes from laughing about her shoes and how she’s sad to say goodbye to someone tonight because someone will be sent home (but not her) to lying on the floor sobbing.

And that’s curtain call.

What do you guys think?  What’s Kelsey’s deal?  Is she misunderstood?  Is she a psychopath?  Is she an actress?  What is this?!

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