Dragon Breath

The ladies grab their sarongs, sombreros, and string bikinis and head to Mexico City. Ben is confident that with just enough tequila and lime, he can find the woman he’s supposed to marry.  He does not specify if that woman is among the hand selected ABC group, or if he will find his own local mamacita.

The girls arrive at the Four Seasons and Olivia is most excited that she has a bidet.  So many jokes I could make about that, but alas, they are too crass.

One-on-One – Amanda: Let’s Put All Our Eggs in One Basket

Olivia is outraged that Ben would chose her for a one-on-one date.  Doesn’t he know she has… CHILDREN?  The way she says it makes it seem like Amanda has some sort of communicable disease.  Olivia knows children are not what Ben wants.  Um. Really?  Moving on.

Ben decides to surprise the women at 4:30 AM in the hotel room to catch a glimpse of the women in their natural state.  I would have a look of pure hostility on my face.  Nothing makes me more upset than people waking me up.  I wouldn’t even care about the zit cream on my face or the rancid, stagnant toot/ bad breath air (don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about).  I would just be so annoyed with Ben’s perky personality.  Note to husband – nothing makes me dislike you more than when you pop up like a piece of toast and expect me to join suit.  The teacher wears a retainer (totally me), Olivia is unrecognizable and has dragon breath, and Amanda pops out of bed with a face full of flawless makeup and perfectly curled hair.  Right.

Ben takes Amanda and her tiny little voice and bare shoulders on a hot air balloon ride.  I spent the entire date wondering if Amanda’s roots were intentional?  Is that a look?

After the ballon ride, Amanda tells Ben about how her husband was up to no good on his cell phone with other women.  You know what’s ironic?  All these women telling Ben about how their past boyfriends and relationships ended after their partner was unfaithful.  And yet, now they are on the Bachelor…a show that is premised on a dude dating 25 women at the SAME TIME.  Amanda gets the rose.

Group Date

There are seriously some women I’ve never seen before on this date.  Leah?  Who the heck are you!?

The group takes a spanish lesson, which I would bomb. I can’t tell you how frequently I practice trying to roll my Rs with zero success.  One time I rolled my Rs in my sleep and it was glorious.  When Spanish class is over, the girls split into teams of two to go grocery shopping for a cooking contest.  In Mexico they say if you know how to cook, you are ready to get married.

Hey Mexico, the 1950’s called.  They want their motto back.

At the after party, Jubilee starts to slowly deteriorate.  She can’t handle the group date, she’s tired of watching Ben hold hands with other women, she doesn’t have an outgoing personality, Lauren B stole her all white outfit and Olivia’s dragon breath is slowly inducing unconsciousness.

Speaking of Lauren B, while Jubilee starts to have a mental health breakdown, Ben whisks Lauren into the streets of Mexico to make out with her.  When Ben returns, Ben decides it’s time to talk with Jubilee.  He reaches out to take her hand and she rebuffs his attempts.  Probably because you have another woman’s lipstick all over your face.  Just a thought.

The handholding rejection, and general puss-face during group dates, leads Ben to the conclusion that Jubilee will not, in fact, be his wifey.  He makes her leave immediately.  And yet, Dragon Breath remains. Ben rejoins the group and tells them the following: “so um yeah.  Jubilee was someone who I found incredibly intriguing when I first met her.  But now I don’t.  Because she wouldn’t hold my hand in front of your guys.  And that threatened my manhood.  And even though we’re in Mexico and she won the cooking contest and therefore, she’s wife material, she doesn’t like group dates and if my wife doesn’t like it when I date other women, then I don’t want that sort of wife.  Got it?  If I want to date in groups, I’m going to date in groups and my wife better be ok with that.”

The remaining girls all reassure Ben that they are totally fine with him dating as many women as he wants. Dragon Breath got the group date rose.

Second One-on-One Date: Lauren (Kindergarten teacher)

Ben takes Lauren to a fashion show during Mexico City’s fashion week because nothing screams fashion like a kindergarten teacher from Michigan. Miranda Priestly shows up to deliver the news to Lauren that she and Ben will be walking in the fashion show.  They actually manage to do a pretty good job!

At dinner, Lauren tells Ben, wait for it…all about how her ex boyfriend cheated on her.  Is that a new prerequisite for the show?  Bachelor application:

  • Must be willing to show 90% of your skin, regardless of weather conditions
  • Must be willing to make out with Bachelor upon demand, even after Dragon Breath
  • Must be emotionally damaged, including but not limited to the following damaging situations:
    • been cheated on
    • been abused
    • family tragedy
    • used to be fat but then became anorexic
  • Must have body mass index of less than 16
  • Must be less than 25 years of age but older than 20.
  • Must be unemployed or have a job that no self-sufficient woman over the age of 25 would ever dream of having (again, anyone over 25 need not apply)
  • Must fit into shorts you bought in the 6th grade, which really, was not that long ago
  • Must have access to hair extensions, fake eye lashes, and a curling iron
  • Must be willing to say “I do” upon ABC’s demand
  • Must like gaudy rings

Lauren gets the rose.

At the cocktail party, to quote 10 Things I Hate About You, one of the best movies EVER, the shit has hitteth the fan.  While discussing her issues with her ex-husband’s lack of parenting, Olivia tells Amanda it feels like an episode of Teen Mom.

Oh girl.  No you didn’t.  The remaining twin is fed up.  She decides it’s time to pull the blindfold off Ben’s face and tell him all about Dragon Breath’s real personality.

  • Twin: SHE SUCKS.
  • Ben: For real? But she has such a big mouth.
  • Twin: She disrespects me so much.  I’m really upset.
  • Ben: I really appreciate you telling me this.  Between you and me, the ABC producers keep shoving her down my throat.  You too, but that’s a conversation we can have another time.

Right as Ben is about to start handing out roses, Ben asks to speak privately with Olivia.

DUN DUN DUN.

And the show ends.  Will she stay or will she go?!?!

 

 

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