You know those times when you are just about to settle in to watch the Bachelor and suddenly your husband comes home and tells you your parent’s SUV, the one you borrowed 6 months ago, is no longer parked on the street? And then the police have to come RIGHT AS THE SHOW IS ABOUT TO START? Don’t you hate when that happens?
Not that it happened to me last week. Nope. No way. The reason I missed the first 30 minutes of the Bach this week had absolutely nothing to do with the scenario I described above. Just in case you’re wondering – people don’t like it when you leave a car on the street for weeks and/or months at a time. Just a friendly PSA. You know…not that I know or anything.
Can you believe it’s already week 3 at the mansion? Doesn’t that mean the Bachelor is like 3 weeks away from picking his wife??? Does this mean that Ben and his entourage of 21 year olds will hit the road soon? Bring your IDs, young ladies!
The show starts with the Mom and the Flight Attendant discussing Olivia. I actually replayed this four times. Mom tells Flight Attendant that Olivia spent $40,000 on clothes for the show.
FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS ON CLOTHES????? And my husband thinks I shop too much? Here’s what I could buy with 40K.
- a luxury vehicle (which I promise to not get towed. Kidding. I can’t make that promise. Parking enforcement around these parts makes that darn near impossible).
- a new kitchen AND a new bathroom
- like 30,000 chocolate milk shakes
- new underwear for years
- all the SmartWool products EVER
- a partridge in a pear tree
Chris comes to the mansion to
scope out any prospects for himself deliver the news about this week’s dates. There will be two one-on-one dates and one group date. Collective OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOs ensue.
Lauren B – The Sky’s The Limit
Who is Lauren B? The flight attendant – thus the corny sky joke. Lauren B puts on her spaghetti tank top that conveniently has sleeves so she’s prepared for all types of weather.
(photo source – http://www.tvjelly.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Screen-Shot-2016-01-19-at-9.56.40-AM.png)
They pull up to a small local airport and the flight attendant, I REPEAT, the flight attendant, is scared to go flying. Come on. Basically, the producers kept telling her we’re going to need for you to act super nervous. Act like you’ve never flown before. Ben can’t remember what you do for a living anyway.
The flight attendant has never seen a plane like this before. But you have seen Snoopy before…right? Flying Ace? Or that war we called the Second World War? Better known as World War II? No? Not familiar?
(photo source – https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/5f/49/c9/5f49c96c4c71250bd4685869fd959708.jpg)
The pilot is forced to listen to their cheesy conversation and watch them make out. The producers have Sky Thrill fly over the mansion, because, of course. The girls CAN’T EVEN. THIS TOTALLY SUCKS.
The plane drops them off in the middle of nowhere next to the circle of life tree, as seen on the Lion King. Also waiting for them is a hot tub. Lauren is instructed to change behind the tree. Seriously. Lauren comes out in her tiny bikini and I immediately regret my decision to eat an entire pot of macaroni and cheese.
Side note – did you know someone is still on this show whose employment lists “umemployed” ??? Why is that person still here! Are there no standards? Oh. My mistake.
Back on the date with Lauren, Ben calls her a girl like 50 times in a row. Ben. Ben. Ben. She’s a woman. Ben shares a story about how his dad has heart problems. Lauren shares a story that she had a perfect life and wants to procreate and make more perfect lives.
Very dramatic piano music plays while Ben gives Lauren the date rose. All I can picture is the main guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall playing the score for the Bachelor.
Finally, because this show does the same stupid things over and over again, Ben takes Lauren to see some random concert. Of course the lyrics totally speak to Ben.
Group Date: Love is the Goal
Enough girls head out on a date with Ben that they can form TWO soccer teams. Two profesh soccer players come out, and of course, the girls like totally know these amazing players. Liars.
The stakes are high for this date: the losing team will head back to the mansion reeking of pathetic defeat, will receive care for any concussions they have suffered, and will lose precious moments to bond with Ben, thus limiting their chances of securing the Neil Lane. The winning team, sweating with nothing but victory and a subtle rose scent, will join Ben for a booze infused evening where there is sure to be drama, spit swapping, and ample opportunity to backstab. Whatever it takes to find your man. May the best twin win. Yes, the twins are separated.
The teams are divided by stars and stripes. The stripes look like they just escaped the local penitentiary. Perhaps some did. AHHHEMMM Olivia.
Unemployed girl gets injured and Olivia seizes the opportunity to score against the girl whose leg needs to be amputated. She will stop at nothing.
Oliva continues her aggression at the cocktail party; she’s embraced Sarah Palin’s philosophy- pit bull with lipstick. Ben is mid sentence when Olivia steals him away from the group. The women take this opportunity to talk about Olivia behind her back (also the only reason we watch this dumb show)
- Twin: She’s like, just so like, aggressive.
- Amber: But she does have fat toes. I’ve noticed. (VERBATIM QUOTE!)
- Twin: (privately) They were making fun of her toes. Toes should not matter. But she has terrible breath. I wonder if he’s smelling what I smell.
Jami, who I always want to call Jammy but is really called Jamie, is not going to let these biotches talk about her friend’s toes like that. But rather than stand up to them, she decides to just tell Olivia about the toe smack.
- Jami: They started picking apart your appearances.
- Olivia: (looking indignant, but all knowing) Let me guess. My calves.
- Jami: No.
- Olivia: MY CANKLES?
- Jame: No. Your toes. Your toes like aren’t cute.
- Olivia: (looking shocked. She had considered her calves and her cankles as her only flaw – nobody had ever mentioned her toes.) My toes?!
Olivia tells the camera she knows she has bad toes. She hates her toes.
Date rose goes to Bachelor repeat, Amber.
Second One on One Date: Jubilee
Ben shows up for the date 20 minutes late and Jubilee teases Ben about it. Then she makes a joke about not being excited. The girls see this as no laughing matter. No jokes can be made in the presence of the Bachelor. This could be your husband. Do not be aco-taco.
Jubilee, terrified of heights, asks the girls as Ben makes her board a helicopter, if someone else wants to go on the date, thus sealing her fate as the most hated woman in the house. Olivia might have fat toes and a mean personality but her status as most hated is revoked when Jubilee shows anxiety over heights. HOW DARE SHE! Doesn’t she know that if Ben wants to march her straight into an anxiety attack or to her death, she should do so not only with open arms but a coquettish smile on her face and just the right amount of exposed midriff too? Doesn’t she know that?!
Good luck getting the target off your back, Jub.
Amber is livid. Ben just planned (um wrong) her an amazing date and she is not grateful enough.
The heli flies them to a mansion. We learn Jubilee does not like caviar but loves hot dogs. With you girl. We also learn that Ben wants all dates to include a hot tub.
Personally, I love Jubilee and I’m really happy she got the rose.
But the girls back at the house? Not so much. It’s gang up on Jubilee night at the cocktail party and leading the charge is Amber. Get a life, Amber.
Before Amber can start her crusade against Jubilee, Ben comes in with an announcement that his good family friends have died. Olivia sees this as the perfect opportunity to tell Ben about her insecurities: her cankles. She starts to cry about people who blog about her cankles. Ben is irritated that Olivia wants to talk about her fat ankles at this moment.
Jubilee takes a different approach and massages Ben because she knows it’s his favorite thing. Amber is livid. She basically chases Jubilee around and forces her to try to hide in the bathroom, but she doesn’t respect that boundary either. Amber verbally assaults Jubilee. I wish Ben would have taken the rose away from Amber and sent her home. FYI, Ben is never going to pick you. Go back to making rum and cokes and leave us alone.
In the most insightful moment this season, Lace decides to send herself home because Lace needs to work on herself. She’s not living up to her tattoo: you can’t love someone else until you truly love yourself. Half of me is horrified that she had to get a tattoo to remind herself of that and also horrified that she is disappointed in herself for not listening to her tattoo, but the other half of me is really proud that she recognizes her issues and wants to work on them. My next tattoo suggestion for you is “the first step is admitting you have a problem.”