I was away this weekend and as such I didn’t have five hours to dedicate to rewatching this riveting episode of the Bachelor while simultaneously composing a blog post that is both witty and blithe yet to all of our horror, truthful with a touch of hyperbole (but sadly, not much because, well, the girls speak for themselves).
But let’s be honest. We all watch this dumb show just so we can sit around talking about how ridiculous the whole thing is. I wouldn’t want to disappoint you by not recapping at all because that would be no fun. So let’s take a moment and talk about what we learned during week two at the mansion.
Lesson No. One: It’s Never Ok to Talk About Yourself in the Third Person. Also STOP CALLING YOURSELF CRAZY. K THANKS.
Lace is nursing a serious hangover. She wonders if Ben saw her stab her Ben voodoo doll over and over again in the eyes during the rose ceremony. She vows not to drink until at least 2 PM. She is determined to let Ben know she’s NOT CRAZY. Repeat. LACE IS NOT CRAZY. Here’s the convo she had with herself:
- Lace: Lace got a little too drunk that night. That was not Lace. Lace is not crazy.
- Lace: I am going to show Ben that Lace is not crazy. Lace is wondering if Ben thinks Lace is crazy.
- Lace: These b*tches can suck it.
- Lace: Do you even notice me? Do you know I’m here? HELLO?
- Lace: Ben didn’t get to know the real Lace. He saw a different Lace. He saw a side of Lace I didn’t want to come out.
- Lace: Lace is never getting enough time with Ben. Lace is so sad she’s letting her crazy show.
- Lace: We’re making eye contact galore. We’re almost EYE BEEPING. (She actually said this. These words).
Lesson No. Two: Olivia Has the World’s Biggest Mouth. Literally. And Probably Figuratively.
Olivia is riding high on her first impression rose. Hastag MrsHiggins. I’ve got a hashtag for you: iveneverseensuchahugemouthbeforeinmylifeanditsalwaysopenmrshiggins.
Olivia is this season’s mean girl. She thinks her shit don’t stink (sadly the Bachelor basically says so much too – more on that later).
Lesson Three: Maybe Consult a Map and Locate the State of Indiana Before You Sign Up for The Bachelor and Date a Hoosier. ALSO WHY DON’T YOU KNOW WHERE THE STATE OF INDIANA IS ON A MAP. UGH. Or Chicago?????
I’m looking at you, Becca. Yikes. Instead of hopping from season to season on the Bachelor, why don’t you learn some geography. And other things you should have learned in fourth grade. Just a thought. The group date this week features the girls going back to school. Some of the school lessons included making Ben’s volcano explode (that was science, not sex ed), bobbing for apples, placing Indiana on a map, basketball, and jumping some hurdles. The Dentist won the school competition (as she should have since she’s the most educated person there) and she was crowned homecoming queen. Ben tries to hide his disappointment that the person he least wanted to be his queen was the winner. Oh well, think of it like a romcom, Ben.
Lesson Four: Never. EVER. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DESCRIBE A WOMAN’S SCENT AS BEING SOUR.
I didn’t know we’d need a lesson on this but inevitably, we do. On the second group date where Olivia’s giant mouth dominates her competition, Ben is forced to breathe in the ovaries of the women after they’ve worked up a sweat. He describes all of them using words like, floral, sweet, fruity but then he got to Samantha. And the words he can never take back came out of his mouth. Sour. He says Sam smells SOUR.
I. would. have. died.
Like for real. I would have crawled into Olivia’s mouth and died.
Lesson Five: Kevin Hart Hot Tubs Nude.
That is all.