Guess who’s back. Back again.
Since last we saw each other, so much has changed. Kaitlyn had sex with Nick. (We all make mistakes, Kaitlyn). Neil Lang created yet another gaudy, tacky, iceberg of a diamond ring, which was slipped on Kaitlyn’s finger by Sean and the producers of ABC’s The Bachelor. (Again, we all make mistakes, Kaitlyn). Participation ribbon winner, Ben Higgens, was named this season’s latest piece of Bachelor meat with 26 desperate women (desperate for a myriad of things including but not limited to fame, love, attention, STDs, giant diamond ring likely to induce wrist injury, future Bachelorette, ample hot-tub time, sparkly gowns, Chris Harrison, and embarrassing your family).
But alas my loyal readers. The biggest change of them all. Aside from the fact that at the age of 30, I’m now considered a cougar in Bachelor land, I have forever taken myself out of the running to vie for the love of a complete and utter stranger who could have become my husband in six short weeks, while competing against a bunch of cocktail waitresses and chicken enthusiasts, wearing my finest pair of shorts from the 6th grade that show off just enough butt cheek but not too much and subsiding on nothing but vodka and the smell of coconut-scented sunscreen. Why you ask?
And also THIS!
That’s right. I’m hitched. I’m officially off the Bachelor market. And now that our wedding is behind us, I can get back to the important things in life. Like
making fun of people commenting on the new season of the Bachelor. I have to admit, I’ve missed this.
Without further ado, let’s meet our Bachelor, Ben Higgins.
Hey, Ben! Healthy meal you got there! I always eat my salmon shirtless too. We’ve got so much in common.
Here’s what we know about Ben. He’s 26. I’ll let that sink in for a second. FYI Ben, there is this app called Tinder – I think you’d do ok on it. He eats dinner in the buff. He’s a midwestern boy from Indiana. Kaitlyn dumped him. He’s some sort of salesman (a job totally worth making a fool of yourself and fighting over, obviously). He wants a wife with small-town values (all I heard was women should be seen, not heard). He fears being unloveable. I’m sorry but WHO SAYS THAT? What is that about? Is it weird that I find myself totally lovable? He’s hoping the next time he sees his parents, he’ll have a “young lady,” on his arm. Luckily for Ben, he has a bevy of eligible 21 year olds eager to take tequila shots out of his bellybutton. And last but not least, he let ABC give him the world’s WORST haircut.
Who better to help Ben in his quest to find a “young lady,” than three Bachelor vets, who include Farmer Chris, Sean, and some old guy named Jason. No but you guys. Jason looks down right middle aged. BECAUSE HE IS. He’s 13 years older than the current Bachelor. He could have birthed the current Bachelor. It would have been weird, but he could have.
Farmer Chris has no advice, because well, Whitney hates him. Oh and to kiss all the girls. Sean’s advice is to find a subservient woman whose dream in life is to cook and clean for her man. Jason’s advice is to treat women like your equal. ABC producers quickly tell Ben to disregard such silly advice.
For the next hour and a half we meet Ben’s ladies. It’s the usual cast of characters: the villain, the clinger, the crier, the drunk, the unusual, the miniature horse, and the repeats. Here are the standouts:
Most Likely to Need an Order for Protection Against
And the award goes to… Caila!
Sure, she looks sweet and innocent but girl is convinced Ben is her soulmate. And why wouldn’t she? They are both software sales reps. #soulmatesforeverandeverandeverxoxoxo. She’s 24, which is perfect for Ben’s desire for a “young lady.” And she broke up with her boyfriend after she saw Ben on TV, because you know, fate. Hashtag FATE. Careful Ben. Somewhere Caila is slowly making her very own Ben hair doll.
Caila wastes no time with the creep factor, instantly running into Ben’s arms, forcing him to hold her in his arms as soon as she gets two feet out the limo door.
Most Likely to Abuse Access to Laughing Gas and Prescription Drugs
Can you believe this chick actually holds a medical license? When Ben comments on her giant rose hat, she responds saying that “maybe if things go well tonight, you can pollinate it later.” Class act.
Mandi is no shrinking violet. In fact, she’s the opposite; she’s the first impression rose. She seizes the first opportunity to steal Ben away from the group while he’s mid-sentence welcoming all the ladies on this “epic journey.” Mandi wastes no time crossing boundaries and insists on giving Ben an oral examination (not that kind, you sicko!). “If we’re going to make out, you have to floss,” says Mandi, the dentist. Something tells me she says that way too often to her patients too.
Most Likely to Be A Porn Star
Or stars, I should say. This award goes to the Twins. The 22 year old Vegas twins. Whose contract just ran out with the circus.
Emily and Haley are bottle blonds who love their act as twins.
These two surely embody the midwestern small-town values Ben wants in his future wife. They tell the cameras that dating twins is every man’s fantasy. To calm Ben, the girls tell him, “it’s not weird for us so it shouldn’t be weird for you.” I’m not even sure what this means anymore.
Most Likely To Be Confused With a Little Child
If you only heard her voice, you would definitely think this was a 6 year old. And if you only saw her tiny little body and tiny little frame you would still think it’s a 6 year old. But don’t be fooled. This tiny lady with the tiny voice is actually a mother two two, presumably, little children. Meet Amanda.
She’s just like the tiniest adult I’ve ever seen. I want to hear her yell. Is it possible?
Most Likely To Stab A Fellow Contestant While They Are Sleeping
What an award! The deserving lady is Lace. That’s her actual name. Lace. In case you are confused as to which chick she is, she wore a lace dress, as to not confuse Ben.
Oh Lace. You seem like such a delight! My favorite kind of woman is the type who gets super drunk, acts majorly insecure, cries multiple times, sizes herself up against the competition and declares herself the prettiest, attempts to make out with a person upon first seeing them, gets upset when said person rejects them, gets more upset when said person doesn’t make enough eye contact, and generally acts like a psycho. Love those types. We heard the following gems from Lace:
- I’m just sitting here judging everyone, because that’s the point, right?
- I feel like there are some dumb ones. I feel like there are some pretty ones.
- That’s really BEEPING special.
- I don’t think there is one girl so far that is competition. I think I’m way prettier than everyone. Like, you know.
- She’s so fake.
- Do my boobs look ok?
- I am not going to let Becca get in my way tonightttt. I’m gonna get a roseeee. (slow your roll there Lace- your words are getting pretty sloppy).
- I’m getting a rose tonight. (By way of murder?)
- That b*tch. (an actual quote. Mind you, these are all actual quotes.)
- He hasn’t even looked me once in the eye. (But has he looked you in the eyes?)
- Let’s be honest, who wants a BEEPING virgin? (I think quite a few people, actually. Or was that a rhetorical question?)
- Do you even notice me? HELLO?! (no, I do not. I refuse to).
- If you want me to go home, just tell me to go home. (GO HOME!)
- You did not look at me once. You would not look at me. I watched you. (Creepy).
When Lace can no longer take the heat, she gets out of the kitchen and takes matters into her own hands. It’s time to make out with Ben. Seems completely appropriate. Ben decides not to follow in the footsteps of most hated Bachelor ever, Juan Pablo, and tells Lace not to listen to Rod Steward: tonight is not the night. Lace vows to seek revenge for the rest. of. her. life. Black widow, you have met your match.
Most Likely To Tie Ben Up and Hold Him Against His Will
I might be getting this idea from a movie, namely, the Wedding Crashers, because this girl looks just like Isla Fisher! Plus, we all know it’s Caila who is most likely to tie Ben up and hold him against his will. Meet JoJo (unclear if she is a member of amazing duo K-Ci and JoJo).
JoJo wears a unicorn mask thing so Ben knows unicorns really do exist. As do doppelgängers. Jojo actually seems fairly normal and pretty adorable. This award is totally undeserving but for the fact that she looks like Isla Fisher. I think she agrees – her bio indicates the Wedding Crashers is her favorite movie. Liar. We all know Shopaholic is your favorite Isla movie.
There are plenty of beautiful women for Ben to choose from– Olivia, Becca, Amber, Jubiliee, the adorable red-head he sent home who sadly calls herself Red Velvet, the girl who doesn’t speak English, etc. How sad would you be if Ben chose a girl who didn’t speak a lick of English over you?
What do you guys think? Excited for completely average Ben to be your Bachelor? Is Lace getting a bad edit or is she really just that crazy? Does Ben floss daily? Does every rose have its thorns?
IS THERE A SINGLE CONTESTANT OVER THE AGE OF 30? Sigh. Excuse me, I have some anti-aging eye cream I need to go administer.