Five hours. I spent five hours of my life watching last week’s episodes of the Bachelor. And then one of my sisters hadn’t seen some of the show so I watched three more hours for a second time. The word you’re looking for to describe me is “pathetic.”
But, faithful readers, I have a slight issue. I just don’t think I can fully recap five hours worth of TV before the next episode airs tonight. You see, I’ve had a busy busy week. Life got in the way and I simply ran out of time. And I might have bronchitis. Or maybe I just had a little too grand of a time in New Orleans last week. Either way, I left New Orleans with 137 pounds of beads, a wicked cold, half my lung function, and a very squished King Cake.
So let’s talk as quickly as I can about the five hours of your life you’ll never get back.
Hour One: The Interviews
Black Widow is still half a bubble off plumb. I read an interview with Kardashley and Kardashley said Black Widow told her the following:
I didn’t get the autopsy back for two months, so for two months I was worried that I fed him something wrong.
You guys. Come on. I am more convinced than ever that Kelsey will end up on Dateline one of these days.
Farmer said nothing interesting in his interview.
Andi came on to sob on camera about her heartbreak over Josh. I was totally focused on Andi’s face – did anyone else think it looked like it was made of plastic? Botox? It didn’t move! Do you guys think she’s trying to make a second run at the Bachelorette?
Hours Two and Three: Deadwood to Dead Iowa
When the show resumed, the group was still in Deadwood (if you recall, Farmer had just left Black Widow and Kardashley in the Badlands). Farmer isn’t done dumping women quite yet though. He returns to the remaining women and sends Megan home. Probably a good idea. I hope she has her passport.
Farmer tells the girls that he wants to take them to a place near and dear to his heart: Iowa. The girls all hoot and holler. If I were on this show I’d be like wait, really? We are leaving South Dakota and headed to Iowa? How did I end up on the season where the exotic dates take place in Des Moines? Where are the trips to Thailand? And Lake Louise?
Jade gets the first one on one date and heads to Arlington, Farmer’s home town. He thinks Jade will fit in well there because she’s from a small Nebraska town and has those wholesome small town values. Like getting naked for Playboy. Jade gets a tour of deserted Arlington, sees Farmer’s Bachelor pad (it’s a nice Bachelor pad, at least) and then attends the local high school football game. Then she gets a tour of Farmer’s high school because, well, it’s Arlington and there’s nothing left to see.
Whit Whit gets the second one-on-one date. The two of them traipse around Des Moines taking pictures of each other. And that’s all that happens. Whitney gets to meet Farmer’s three best friends and they all seem to have a grand time. And this is why watching peoples every day lives is completely boring. Nothing about this date was exciting but it was completely normal. Guess what ABC, normal does not make ratings. Bring back Black Widow!
Meanwhile, back at the Des Moines Holiday Inn, Carly, Britt, Becca and Kaitlyn are all discussing Arlington. Then
the ABC producers suggest it occurs to one of them that they should rent a car and drive to Arlington. ” Like, we’ll all go. Road trip!” Name the movie!
The girls cruise down I-80, stopping to take pictures at the Worlds Largest Truck Stop and giggle and scream when they see the sign marking the spot for Arlington. But then they realize the sign WAS Arlington. They blow through “downtown” and suddenly realize that the abandoned filling station WAS downtown. Britt can’t even. They find the local pastor, who happens to be on his front porch shucking corn and singing hymns and ask him where they can drink tequila around these parts. Pastor tells him they have to drive beyond the corn rows to find tequila, dinner, and movies. I’m half expecting Professor Harold Hill to appear with a suitcase full of musical instruments.
Alas, the girls return to the big city and Britt suddenly had a change of heart. She CAN live in Arlington because she’s seen the sun set there. And since the sun sets in Arlington, it can’t be that bad. Carly is not having any of this. She thinks Britt is fake and she’s had enough – she plans to tell Farmer as soon as she can. Meanwhile, Jade pulls Carly aside to confide about her nude modeling past and asks if Carly thinks Farmer will be into that. Carly’s eyebrows, although permanently surprised looking, manage to become more arched. Carly tells the camera, “hey mom, don’t google my wife!”
Later, Britt, Carly and Kaitlyn head to a rink to play some hockey. Carly takes this opportunity to tell Farmer that Britt is a big fat phony and that just because she’s pretty doesn’t mean she should always get her way. Farmer is stunned to learn that Britt didn’t LOVE Arlington because 10 seconds ago Britt was just raving to Farmer about how she could totally picture herself chasing her children through the corn fields and rocking on the front porch each night.
Kaitlyn gets the group date rose and Britt starts to unravel. She legit loses it. In front of Carly, and rose-receiver Kaitlyn, Britt basically says to Farmer why the BEEP would you give the rose to that chick when I’m sitting right here. Then she pretty much says, no offense Kaitlyn, but really, like I’m here and I’m obviously like way prettier than you and like, Farmer always gives me the rose. Why would you validate her feelings and not mine? I. AM. THE. ONLY. ONE. WHO. MATTERS.
Hours Four and Five: Dead Iowa to Hometown Dates
Yes, seriously. Hours four and five. Why did we do this to ourselves? Amazingly enough, my boyfriend sat through the entire FIVE HOURS because he couldn’t really make a scene about it in front of my sister. Ha!
Becca receives the last one on one date in Des Moines. It’s boring. Like her. But I like her yellow shirt! Next!
At the hotel, Britt tells the girls she is going to send herself home. She just can’t be with someone who doesn’t validate her and gives roses to Kaitlyn over herself. Carly rolls her eyes, sighs and questions Britt. Britt says there’s probably nothing Farmer can say to get her to stay. Kaitlyn says Britt probably wants to see if Farmer will fight for her, otherwise she’s leaving first.
It’s time for the cocktail party except right when the girls are ready to get their drink on the Almighty Chris pops in to say Farmer knows what he wants to do and thus a cocktail party is not necessary. Britt starts to panic. She was going to tell Farmer she was leaving during the drink hour! As soon as Farmer appears with the roses she pulls him aside and reiterates her love for the farm life. Farmer isn’t buying it and tells her basically he knows she’s faking it. And he doesn’t want a wife like this. Britt cries pretty tears in the driveway while Carly gleefully tells the camera that this is what happens to normal girls. And then Carly is sent home.
It’s time for hometown dates! Becca is up first. Farmer goes to visit her perfect little family in Louisiana. Boring day. Becca is a virgin blah blah blah.
Next, Farmer heads to Chicago to visit Whitney’s family. Whitney tries to test Farmer’s little swimmers. She takes him to a room where he can make his deposit. As he sits down to sift through the pile of Playboys he’s stunned when he sees Jade! Whitney reassures Farmer that she’s never once posed nude and is safe to google. Farmer asks Whitney’s sister for permission to marry Whitney and sister basically says eh I don’t think so. Whitney is crushed but Farmer doesn’t seem too fazed. Anyone else notice he didn’t seek permission from any of the other girls’ families?
Farmer goes to visit the Canadian next in Phoenix, because, as I said, this season is the USA version and there is simply no international traveling. Canadian makes Farmer rap, which I’m totally over. Blah blah blah. Boring.
And finally, Farmer heads to nowhere Nebraska to visit wholesome Jade. Jade is proud that her town is 10 times bigger than Arlington. Jades’s brothers call her a wild mustang and Jade’s dad tells Farmer Jade is totally out of control and he has no idea. Farmer tells Jade’s dad he likes Jade because of her values. Dad stares blankly. Jade decides that she needs to tell Farmer ASAP about her naked past before he takes to google himself. Back at the local Super 8, Jade tells Farmer that she did some nude modeling and then asks if she can show him the photos. Oh AND a video. Farmer doesn’t know where to look and is beyond awkward yet hopeful that he can re-google all of this later in private. Jade is pleased.
But then Jade is eliminated because as Carly said, “mom, don’t google my wife.”
This week we have the fantasy suite dates! Woohoo!