I Know What You Did

pan·ic
/’panik/
noun
1.   sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behavior.
      “she fell to the floor in panic”

       synonyms: alarm, anxiety, nervousness, fear, fright, trepidation, dread, terror, agitation, hysteria, consternation,
perturbation, dismay, apprehension.


Panic.  It’s where the Bachelor left us last week and where we start off episode six.

pho·ny

/’fōnē/

informal adjective

1.   not genuine; fraudulent; black widow.

“I thought your panic attack was a bit phony”    

synonyms: bogus, false, fake, fraudulent, spurious; Kelsey.

Phony.  It’s also where episode six begins.  To be more precise, there’s a phony pile of panic attack laying on the floor outside the bathroom in the form of Kelsey.  Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey.  We’ve seen a lot colorful characters roam the rose-lined halls of Bachelor High but we’ve never seen anyone quite like you.  As the Canadian said, “bitches be crazy.”


Rewind to last week.  Kelsey becomes nervous after Farmer unexpectedly cancels the rose ceremony.  She decides her dead husband story was not the nail in the coffin she had hoped it would be to secure her the rose.  And drastic times call for drastic measures.  Thus, Kelsey falls to the floor outside the bathroom in a perfect heap, her legs firmly together.  When she gets herself positioned just so, she starts emitting the most pitiful sounds.  Not quite a cry, not quite a hyperventilation.  The medic arrives and Kelsey tells the medic the only thing that will stop the panic is Farmer.  She tells the medic that after this she better get a rose tonight, in fact she better get the whole bunch.  As she laughs.  Funny how jovial you can be in the midst of a major panic attack.

Kelsey rejoins the other ladies after she’s decided to stop having a panic attack, where the girls are less than believing.  Ashley summed it up best, “total phony-baloney.”  When all is said and done, Kelsey tells the camera that the one feeling she can express today is “how happy” she is.  The feeling I’m feeling right now is fear.   She’s the black widow, baby.

Because Black Widow’s “episode” spanned two episodes, we go straight to the rose ceremony that should have happened last week.  Mackenzie and some chick you’ve never seen before in your life get sent home.  Next stop?  Deadwood, South Dakota!

I actually love South Dakota.  Such a fun state – so beautiful and so many cool things to see!

One on One: Becca – Let’s Give Love a Shot

Black Widow is not happy.  She says this is not ok.  She didn’t go through all that acting just to lose out on the one on one date.  Watch your back Farmer.

Farmer and Becca head into the country-side on horseback.  But the real drama is back in the hotel room where Carly and some other ladies decide it’s time to confront the Black Widow about her wily ways.  Here’s how the conversation went down:

  • Whitney: *High voice* Ok, so.  I just need tahhh beh open about my feelin’s.  At the rose ceremony you were laughin’.  An’ I thought how can she be so lighthearted about all this right nah?
  • Kelsey: *Feigning confusion and innocence* I didn’t start laughing.
  • Carly:  Yes you did, YOU PSYCHO.
  • Kelsey: I did?
  • Whitney: You got sick in the bathroom. And then you said you better get a rose.
  • Kelsey: Laughter.
  • Kelsey: I overcame a significant emotional hurdle.  Because you know, I’m widowed.  And I have fake tears in my eyes because I think it makes me more convincing.  I’ve never had a panic attack in my entire life.  *Whispering for dramatic effect* It was terrifying.
  • Carly:  You’re a psycho.  Farmer doesn’t see this side of you. You are not nice and make sly comments.
  • Kelsey: I have so much respect and admiration and I just genuinely like you guys.  I’m glad we had this conversation.  I’ll do my best to be mindful.

After, Kelsey tells the camera, “I get it.  I am blessed with eloquence.  And I’m articulate.  And I use a lot of big words because I’m smart.”

Has anyone ever heard Kelsey use “big” words?  Do eloquence and articulate count?

But I digress.  There is a really boring date to get back to.  Becca and Farmer talk about their five year plan and it’s definitely better than when Farmer asked the body builder that question.  Rose and first kiss for Becca.

Back at the Deadwood Suites, the group date card arrives.  That means that the other date is the dreaded two-on-one date.   And who better to go on that date than Black Widow v. Kardashley.   Kardashley is excited because she says she’s going to kick some Black Widow booty.  Black Widow is excited because she’s going to use either poison or black magic to win this round.

Group  Date: Let’s Make Sweet Music

The girls are joined by country group Big & Rich to compose songs to perform for Farmer.  Jade is paralyzed with fear.  It’s much easier posing nude (Jade posed with nothin’ but her birthday suit on for Playboy).  Whitney and Megan are totally excited because they are Southern gals and love country music.  Britt is unfamiliar with the duo but likes the idea of Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.

Jade Tells Big (or maybe Rich) that she’s on the struggle bus and feels stupid.  He suggests she get naked but when she says no, he decides making her run down the streets of Deadwood is the next best thing.  Jade’s fears are overcome. PS – I’m now secretly loving Big & Rich.  They seem like such sweet guys!

Meanwhile, Britt and Farmer hang all over each other and make out while the other girls look on with rage and jealousy pumping through their veins.  Britt doesn’t know why everyone is mad at her – she’s just testing out her song lyrics, “save a horse, ride a farm boy.”

Performance time.  Here’s a recap:

  • Farmer: *Chugs beer* I’m on ahhhhh journey to find my wifffffffe. Baby come home with me. Corn rows.
  • Britt:  *Moving to the beat/ Raspy voice* I wanna hear that sweet sweet music.  Don’t let me down.
  • Whitney: *Higher octave than her normal voice – didn’t know it was possible* windows break.
  • Canadian: Swearing and rapping. Obviously.
  • Megan: Surprisingly good voice.  Something about being speechless.  Does that explain why she seems like such an airhead?
  • Carly: *Professional singer* goes for gold by making Farmer sit next to her while she serenades him.
  • Jade: *For some reason this is sung in Whitney’s octave* more glass shattering.

Farmer decides he’d rather spend the rest of the night alone making out with Britt without the glaring judgmental eyes of the other ladies, so Britt and Farmer take off running to escape prying eyes.  They find themselves on stage at the Big & Rich concert, making out on stage.  Rose for Britt.  Meanwhile, the rest of the girls on this “date” are left to stew alone on the couch, wondering where their “boyfriend” went.  When Britt and Farmer finally take their tongues out of each other’s mouths and return to the group, they are met with icy stares, silence and tears.  Farmer excuses himself and leaves Britt to deal with the death stares.

Two-on-One Date: Crazy v. Crazier 

Ashley v. Kelsey.  Kardashley v. Black Widow.  Immature v. Scary.  What do you think?  Who is better for Farmer?  Virgin?  Or the one who KNOWS what it’s like to be a wife?

The trio takes a very long, mostly silent, and excruciatingly awkward helicopter ride to the Badlands.  As soon as Kardashley gets Farmer alone, she relies on her only trick up her sleeve: sloppily making out with him.  Farmer pries Kardashley off of him so he can get the scoop on Kelsey.  He wants to know if she’s as whacked out as he fears.  Kardashley tells Farmer, Black Widow doesn’t gel with the rest of the group.  Because she’s diagnosed as a sociopath on the DSM.

With that information, Farmer pulls Kelsey aside to throw Kardashley under the bus.  It went something like this:

  • Farmer: Kardashley says you’re the black widow.  Nobody likes you.  Sup with that?
  • Kelsey:  I am prepared to be a wife because I’ve been one.  I know how to be a wife.  The question is do you want me to be YOUR wife?
  • Farmer: Um, no.  You terrify me.  I want my wife to be able to handle social situations well.  Someone who people want to be around.  Kardashley says you are fake. That scares me.
  • Kelsey: Maniacal laughter.  I am SO HURT.  I considered Kardashley my BEST FRIEND FOREVER.  I don’t know what else to say.  I am just being myself (scary thought).  I’m not lost in this world of roses and Harrison.  This is my choice. I would hate for you to let go of all of the potential between us because of “girl talk.”

Black Widow tells the camera, “I just got thrown under the bus.  That is HURTFUL.   HURTFUL.  She’s a Kardashian wanna-be who didn’t get to go on her princess date.  Who has WAY TOO MUCH MAKEUP on to be genuine.  I am a WOMAN. She thinks she’s playing a game but I’m not.”

And then the scariest thing EVER happens.  Black Widow comes back to some random bed plopped down in the middle of the Badlands to stare down Kardashley.  After what seems like an hour, Black Widow says, “I know what you did.  And I do not appreciate it.”  In the most terrifying tone I’ve ever heard.  Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

256A183200000578-2943546-image-a-81_1423278671175

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2943546/The-Bachelor-pits-Ashley-versus-Kelsey-dramatic-clip-two-one-date-Chris-Soules.html

Kardashley came back with the best lines ever though.  In fact, I officially love Kardashley after she stands up to Kelsey’s bullying.  She says, “Just because I don’t use as many big words as you doesn’t mean I’m not as smart.  Sorry I’m not from pleasantville, I’m from friggin’ 2014.  You and I both have our masters, and I have it from a good place.  And if you don’t think I’m intelligent to see through you, you’re friggin’ hilarious.”  Lots of friggin’s, but Girl’s from Jersey so I’m going to let that slide.

Kardashley storms off to find Farmer to give him an ear full.  And I don’t blame her.  What a jerk for soliciting her opinion of Kelsey and then TELLING Kelsey what Kardashley said about her.  Wrong Farmer, wrong.  I wish Kardashley would have told Farmer she was leaving but instead Farmer dumps her first.

Farmer tells Kardashley that the Five ‘n Dime General Store in the next town over only gets five pairs of fake eyelashes in a year and it’s usually around Halloween.  He just doesn’t see her living in Iowa given her propensity for all things princess.  Kardashley responds with another apropos zinger, “Oh and you think that Britt wants that lifestyle?  Seriously?”  Touché, Princess, touché.

Black Widow becomes smug when she thinks she got the rose, only to quickly realize Farmer is sending her packing too.  When Kelsey’s luggage gets whisked away at the hotel, the girls seriously start screaming, hollering, poppin’ bottles and dancing.  I’ve never seen a more jovial group of ladies.

I’m a little sad to see Kardashley go – she entertained me in a good way.  Kelsey on the other hand, good riddance.  What do you guys think?  Is Kelsey the black widow?  Is she really that manipulative and conniving? This week we get TWO episodes!

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