Isn’t My Story Amazing?

Oh boy.  This week.  Where do I even start?  Do we talk about Kelsey’s sociopathic tendencies?  Do we conduct a geography lesson for Megan, who is beyond excited to “leave the country” for the first time ever and head to New Mexico?  Do we discuss  Britt’s hygiene habits?  So much to talk about, so little time.  Let’s start in Santa Fe, New Mexico.  Get your passports handy.

The plane touches down in New Mexico and Megan is surprised and disappointed that for some reason she doesn’t need to convert her dollars to pesos.  She remains hopeful though that the locals will all wear sombreros.

One on One Date: Carly- Let’s Come Together 

Oye.  This date.  One of the most awkward dates I’ve ever watched.  PS, did you guys know Carly is Zak’s sister from Des’ season?  Zak made it to the final four (to jog your memory, he was always taking his clothes off.  Seems like Carly has a little more restrain than her brother).

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{photo source: https://thebigkibitz.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/bachelorette-zak-w-desiree.png}

Did anyone notice Carly’s adorable silver feather earrings?  So fun! Looks like the girls did some Southwest shopping.

Carly and Farmer head to their date, which will be led by some mediating Kama Sutra love guru.  The guru tells Farmer and Carly that she wants to bring more juiciness into the relationship.  I mean, do they need to make things more juicy for a first date?

The guru has the couple change into some white linen outfits, which make obtaining juiciness more feasible.  She also burns sage and makes them inhale it until they are high.  Farmer is optimistic but also concerned as to “how weird this is going to get.”

And weird it gets.

Carly blindfolds Farmer and is instructed to breathe all over him.  Carly requests some mouthwash and apologizes to Farmer for all the garlic she ate last night.  Then she proceeds to run chocolate all over Farmer’s lips.  If this isn’t sexy, I don’t know what is:

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{photo source: https://noshameonlypride.wordpress.com}

As if this couldn’t be any more awkward, guru tells the couple that they will now derobe each other.  When it’s time to take Farmer’s pants off, Carly has had enough.  She tells him she’s really uncomfortable and isn’t ready to take his pants off in front of guru and all of the cameras.  Farmer is relieved too because he accidentally put on his Sunday undies, which have a hole in them.  As punishment for their failure to remove all their clothes, guru makes Carly straddle Farmer and breathe directly into his mouth and nose for five minutes straight.

Back at the Mexican hotel, Kelsey is sitting around with some of the girls when they started asking about the death of Kelsey’s husband.  Kesley nonchalantly tells them, “he collapsed, he died.”  Then, she had a hard time recalling the medical term for his heart failure.  To quote Kelsey, “umm…what’s it called?  It’s called congestive heart failure.”  She concludes with “and darlin’ that is life.”  Is this chick for real?  You had to think about what he died from?  How is that NOT automatic?  You couldn’t even muster up one tear?  Darlin’ that is life?  It was like a mother explaining the death of a bug to her toddler.  Yes, it’s true, that’s life, but THIS. IS. NOT. NORMAL.

On the date, Carly tells Farmer she has not been intimate with someone for a year and a half.  Then she tells him her last boyfriend would not touch her and they did not have a physical relationship.  Farmer offers to have sex with her so long as she doesn’t judge the hole in his undies.  Rose for Carly.

Group Date: I’m Rapidly Falling in Love

The girls head with Farmer to do some whitewater rafting on the Rio Grande.  I’ve never been whitewater rafting but it’s on my list.  Well that is until I saw Jade get hurled from the raft into the rapids.

But Jade played it well.  She needed Farmer to rub her feet to keep her from getting hypothermic. All the girls are jealous of Jade’s blue extremities and contemplate propelling themselves into the freezing cold rapids.

The girls change out of their sporty apparel in exchange for their cocktail dresses.  Or in Kardashley’s case, her finest figure skating costume that she wore for her long program in middle school.  PS, how great is the nickname Kardashley?  Thank you to one fine reader for that clever name!

As Farmer heads to the cocktail party, he is intercepted by former contestant Jordan.  Who’s that you ask?  Jordan was the student from Colorado who was more interested in Jack, Jose, and Johnny than she was in Farmer.  Girl liked to drink.  Jordan drove from Colorado to New Mexico to tell Farmer she’s joined AA and as such, she needs to make amends.  Farmer offers Jordan the chance to feed her to the group of piranhas, who want nothing more than to eat Jordan alive.  Also, the producers told Farmer to let her stay to increase the  level of drama.  Plus, wow, did you see the makeover they gave her?  She looked like a new person!

The girls take Farmer aside and one by one tell him why Jordan is not right for him:

  • Kardashley: I mean, she like, drinks like, a lot.  And like, I don’t think she’s wife material.  I’m wife material.  I’m a princess and wives like, always, wear fake eyelashes and a weave.  And I’m like, way more, mature than, like her.
  • Megan: It’s like crazy.
  • Kelsey: Redemption is a beautiful thing. [Insert evil laughter].

Kardashley starts to lose it.  She tells the girls that Jordan blew her chance (actually, I think she drank her chance) and there are no second chances when it comes to the Bachelor.  Because you know, in life, there are NO SECOND CHANCES.  Said nobody ever.  Kardashley decides that the best approach is the middle school approach: be mean to Jordan at every opportunity.  Any girl who DARES speak kindly to Jordan is out of the Eyelash Club. FOR.EVER.  Whitney tells Kardashley she doesn’t want to be in the club because her momma taught her to treat others how you want to be treated.  Whit tells that camera that Farmer does not want a mean girl as a wife.  I agree with that statement.

Back at the hotel, Britt receives the second one-on-one date card and starts to cry.  She’s scared of heights and her date involves some sort of height thing.  Britt, you gotta lie on the “fear” section of your application!  Tell them you are scared of shopping!  And getting massages!  But never admit your true fears!

Farmer decides it’s time to tell Jordan she needs to leave.  ABC has gotten the footage they need to make this episode interesting and now he’s contractually free to do what he wants to Jordan.  Jordan returns to the girls where they abruptly put down the knives they were shoving in Jordan’s proverbial back to whisper in her ear “I’ll always admire you” (I’m looking at you Kelsey) as they shove her out the door.  Insecure Kardashley does all she can to resist yelling, “don’t let the door hit you in the rear on your way out!”

Farmer gives the group date rose to Whitney.  Kardashley can barely contain her rage.  How dare Whitney receive the rose when she refused to be part of the Be Mean to Jordan Club!  Kardashley tells the camera that she can’t believe Whit got the rose, when earlier on the date she looked at Whitney and thought, “I don’t really have to worry about… that.”  Tears start to form and Kardashley excuses herself so she can bad-mouth Whitney more thoroughly.  Kard tells her only friend, Mackenzie, “I just think she’s fake as BEEP.  I just see him with a girl who’s super real.”  Mack, in another insightful moment, tells Kard, “I just don’t think you like her.”  Touché.

One on One Britt

Here’s what we are about to learn about Britt:  1) She sleeps with make-up on every night; 2) She doesn’t shower; 3) She doesn’t want to get married or have children; 4) She’s a unicorn.

Ok so not all of that information is factual.  Farmer shows up in the girls’ hotel room to wake up Britt at 4:30 AM for her date.  Britt follows the Boy Scouts of America motto, “always be prepared,” and as such she chooses to sleep in a full face of make-up every night.  Just in case.  Including glittery eye shadow.  And lip gloss.

I guess I don’t judge Britt for wearing make-up at all times when you’re going to be on national television.  I would probably do the same.  One time I was not wearing make-up (amongst other issues including a lack of sleep, disheveled hair, and a hoodie) and I was out in public.  My mom looked at me and said, “I’ve never seen you look so awful!”  While most people would be offended, we just laughed and laughed because, well, it was true!  It was not my finest moment.  If I were on this show, I would want to avoid hearing my mother or anyone else’s mother say, “wow she should put some makeup on, look how bad she looks!”

Farmer takes Britt to a hot air balloon for a ride.  Man, I’m jealous of this too.  So fun!  Also, for some reason, Britt’s paralyzing phobia of heights is somehow magically assuaged just by Farmer’s presence.  Naturally.

Back at the hotel, the girls take to doing what they do best: badmouthing their competition.  The girls start talking about Britt’s hygiene and claim that she has yet to take a shower on the show.  Or doesn’t shower very frequently.  I’m not buying it.  Britt’s hair is SO clean and flowy and beautiful.  Maybe she can go a week between washes, but who cares?  I’d love it if I only had to wash my hair once a week!  Plus, science says that soap is actually not good for your skin and it’s better to just rinse.  Girl is just being healthy.

Meanwhile, back on the date, Farmer takes Britt back to his hotel, where according to Britt, they take a nap.  Britt tells Farmer she wants a hundred kids (potential hyperbole, I hope) but Kardashley is back at the hotel spreading rumors that Britt wants to remain single and does not want children.  Kardashley seems like such a reliable source.  Definitely believe everything that comes out of her mouth.

Britt returns from the date and mistakenly tells the girls that she just spent the afternoon in Farmer’s bed.  Taking a nap.  Wink face.

Kelsey realizes her time on the Bachelor is rapidly coming to an end so what a better time than now to manipulate Farmer.  What works best for manipulation?  Tales about your dead husband!  Kelsey shows up unannounced in Farmer’s hotel room and relays her “amazing” story to Farmer.  She tries to produce a few crocodile tears but fails to get any to actually roll down her cheeks.  While Farmer tries to process this information, Kelsey uses this as an opportunity to make out with Farmer.  I mean why not.  Dead husbands are GREAT pick up material.  Ick.

She gleefully tells the camera, “I’m just… ahh… isn’t my story amazing?  It’s tragic, but it’s amazing.”

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{photo source: https://us.beamly.com/exclusives/2015/02/03/kelsey-makes-move-bachelor-work/}

She seriously said this.  With a massive smile on her face.  On camera.  To the world.  I was honestly scared of Kelsey in this moment.  Something is really wrong here.  I’ve considered editing yet I cannot believe under what circumstance that statement would be ok.  She concludes with, “I love my story.”  Oh and something about how this is her love story and tune in on Mondays at 8:00 PM to watch it unfold.  Do you think there was an emergency school board meeting about Kelsey’s employment status as a guidance counselor as soon as this episode aired?  I mean, my child would NOT be allowed to seek Kelsey out for any reason.

The Cocktail Party that Wasn’t

Farmer shows up at the cocktail party rattled by his recent conversation with Kelsey.  He has to end the conversation mid-sentence as he starts to cry.  Kelsey sticks another pin into her voodoo doll.

The Almighty Chris comes in to tell the girls that Farmer is extremely emotional and does not want to have a cocktail party.  Kelsey’s rose-receiving confidence starts to waver and she starts calculating plan b: a panic attack.  Guys, I’m just not buying it!  Kelsey goes from laughing about her shoes and how she’s sad to say goodbye to someone tonight because someone will be sent home (but not her) to lying on the floor sobbing.

And that’s curtain call.

What do you guys think?  What’s Kelsey’s deal?  Is she misunderstood?  Is she a psychopath?  Is she an actress?  What is this?!

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