Her Mouth is Not a Virgin

It’s week four, which means Farmer is one step closer to finding his milkmaid! The Almighty Chris greets us sans Jimmy Kimmel to tell the girls that this week Chris’ three older sisters will pick out his date for the one-on-one.  He also deposits a group date card on the coffee table, thus eliminating half the group from meeting the sisters and winning the coveted one-on-one date.

Group Date: Let’s do What Feels Natural 

The girls on the group date card start to freak out.  Does he mean they can’t wear makeup?  Kardashian Ashley is worried that her weave doesn’t look natural but Mackenzie ensures her it looks completely real.  Kelsey laughs like a hyena because these girls are anything but natural.  She’s confident she’s the only natural one in the house (as they show a shot of her STEAMING her tube top). Man oh man.

Chris takes the girls to a lake to see how they enjoy the great outdoors.  Some enjoy it a little too much, and some enjoy it not at all.

The virgin enjoys it too much.  She tells the camera she is too shy around Chris.  Her solution is to jump into the lake topless.  That will send the right virginal message.

photo 1

Kaitlyn sees this and thinks, wow Kardashian, great move.  I’m going to take my bottoms off!

photo 3

And Chris is thinking this is better than Iowa City after a Hawkeyes win!

photo 2

Kesley is indignant.  “This is a date made for bimbos,” she says.  Half of me wants to agree with her but the other half of me recalls a time on my parents’ boat when I took my bikini top off and swung it around in the air and then the boat police pulled us over.  Don’t freak out, I had on a towel!

Back at the mansion, the girls are sunbathing when Farmer’s sisters appear.  Muscles is passed out in the pool and is a hot mess when she wakes up.  The sisters meet individually with each girl to determine who is the best fit for Chris.  Here’s a recap:

Whitney: ****extremely high voice*** Giggles.  I’m mooovin’ to I-a-wahh y’all!

Brit: Not to be conceited but, yeah, I’m the front-runner.  Seriously.

Muscles: Do they have free weights on the farm?  I bet I could tip a cow with my pinky.

Carly the Cruise Singer: Nobody ever loves me.  Cries.

Jade: I’m from Nebraska.

With those three magic words, the sisters have their decision made.  Nebraska, Nebraska, I love ya.

Back at the lake, Kelsey is still annoyed.  She said her face hurts from fake smiling. She calls the lake a hell hole and wants to stab herself in the eye with a fork.  Naturally.  Luckily a bee comes along to sting her, which is the next best thing.

Chris announces the date isn’t ending any time soon because they are going to camp.  The campers are assigned two to a tent and are instructed to put up their own tent.  Virgin Kardashian and Mother of Kale are assigned to a tent together but can’t get it assembled.  Mackenzie tells Kardashian to make the sticks straight and stick them in the holes.  And then she laughs and laughs.  Because, you guys, she’s 21.  Kardashian doesn’t get it, because, you guys, she’s a virgin.  In case you forgot.

As the girls get cozy around the fake fire (did anyone notice the totally fake logs?), someone comments that they are the luckiest girls in America to which Kelsey responds with “really?”  Kesley continues to pout around the fire until Chris arrives to whisk her away.  Suddenly she’s giggly, smily, and so happy.  And so fake.  Bleh.  I used to like her but after listening to her laugh, not so much.

Things deteriorate around the fire as whiskey flows freely.  Crazy Ashley is singing, Mackenzie starts talking about aliens again, someone gets the hiccups, and Kelsey remains annoyed.

Kardashian Ashley pulls Chris aside to tell him that she gets nervous around him and it feels like she has a unibrow and a lunchbox.  Or something like that.

Group date rose goes to skinny-dipper Kaitlyn.

Virgin Kardashian decides she needs to take matters into her own hands and crawls into Farmer’s tent because she needs to tell him she’s a virgin. Here’s how the late-night convo went down:

  • Kardashian: I am freaking innocent.  I’ve never even had a boyfriend before.
  • Farmer:  I think you’re well-rounded.  And I like that you took your top off today.
  • Kardashian: Inside I’m a freaking nerd and inexperienced in every way possible.
  • Me: That explains the awful kissing.
  • Farmer: I think I get it.  But I’m kind of drunk and I was asleep.  Do you want to make out?
  • Kardashian: I just want you to get me. You can probe at that area later.  (Interesting choice of words, Ash).

One on One Date: Jade – Something about Princesses 

Kardashian Ashley is livid.  She says she was made for a princess date.  News flash Ash, princesses, cinderella, ball gowns, etc, do not a farmer’s wife make.

Some eccentric types come to the mansion to give Jade her cinderella makeover.  Ashley is green with envy.  The only time I felt mildly jealous was when they pulled out a pair of Louboutin’s and told Jade she could keep them.  One time I tried on a pair and it was love at first sight.  There were only four pairs made (including the ones on my feet).  It was a magical day.


Hello, gorgeous.

They also give Jade a pair of Neil Lane earrings, which she can also keep.  For some reason everyone makes a bigger deal out of the earrings.  Wrong guys, just wrong.  Then they make Jade watch a clip from the new Cinderella and I’m reminded why this show is so stupid.

Off Jade goes on her Cinderella date. Super boring.  The only thing memorable was the attempt to cover up Jade’s nasty massive back tattoo with makeup.  Cinderella doesn’t have tats.

Someone posted this today on Facebook and it made me laugh.  Totally appropriate for this date:


Ash is so mad about the date, so she puts on her own princess gown and eats some corn on the cob. Ok.

When the date ends, ABC makes Jade continue this stupid Cinderella charade and makes her RUN down the stairs as the bell strikes Midnight.  Ugh.

Group Date: Trash Your Dress 

Muscle Jillian, Whitney, Brit, Becca, some girl I’ve never seen before and Carly all receive wedding dresses and are instructed to wear them for the date.  A private plane flies the girls to San Fran where they are joined by Farmer clad in a tux. He takes them to a mud run.

Muscles takes a cue out of Beefcake’s page, kisses her biceps, grunts and downs a protein shake.  She’s going to DOMINATE this. Jillian finishes the race before the other girls get through the first obstacle.  Blue ribbon winner, Jillian, gets to spend the remainder of the date with Farmer where she subsequently blows her chance.

Farmer takes Jill to a romantic rooftop dinner.  Here’s how their convo went:

  • Farmer:  Where do you see yourself in five years?
  • Jillian:  I don’t know.  But probably winning body building contests.  And hopefully developing my own line of creatine. I can’t tell you where I’ll be in five years because I don’t BEEEEEEEEEPING KNOW.  I used to not have a life so I started training myself.  Then I started winning all these shows and I have a sponsorship.  It’s really weird because my mom was like a weight builder too.
  • Farmer:  Silence.
  • Jillian: I’m good at this.
  • Farmer: He tells the camera he zones out and starts thinking about unicorns.
  • Jillian: I’m a super big daddy’s girl.  He has a dirty sense of humor (ok, creepy).  Would you rather have sex with a homeless girl and you don’t know what she has and this b**** is talking to her reflection, bird in her hair, the whole nine?  Or abstain from sex for five years? (This is an exact quote).
  • Farmer: Silence.

Farmer realizes Muscles is not the kind of girl he wants to bring home to the farm.  Sure she’d be able to do most of the manual labor but he realizes he doesn’t want his dinner conversations to be about sex with homeless people.  No rose for Jillian.

Rose Ceremony 

The theme of this episode is obviously Kardashian Ashley’s virginity.  She decides Farmer didn’t understand the conversation so she give it to him straight: she’s a virgin.  Chris tells her he respects that and thinks it’s great.  He admires her more.  Ashley doesn’t get this vibe and starts to freak out.  She is upset because he doesn’t kiss her and she says, “I don’t want him to respect me that much.”  Girl, he’s probably not kissing you because it grosses him out.

Insecurity gets the best of Ash and she cries uncontrollably on the stairs.  Eventually she tells the girls in the living room and everyone is stunned.  Carly summed it up best, “I’ve seen her make out with Chris like a million times.  Her mouth is not a virgin.”  Sweet little Becca chimes in that she’s a virgin too.

Say what?  I need to rewind.  Becca is a virgin too.  Ashley, please, take note of Becca.  Her behavior is the type you should consider emulating.

Brit starts to feel insecure about her place in the house and starts questioning Farmer’s choice of rose distribution.  Brit tells Farmer she is upset he gave Kaitlyn the rose after she took her clothes off.  Brit says lots of women wanted to leave after that incident and she wants to know why that behavior is being validated. Chris is madddddddd.  He doesn’t like that she’s questioning his integrity.  Yet he cannot formulate a response to Brit.  He was like, “uh, that, I see, uh, you know what I mean, uh, I don’t think Kaitlyn is, I mean, I’m not rewarding inappropriate behavior, um.”  Brit apologizes for putting him on the spot, and Chris abruptly gets up and heads into the living room to make the mandatory Bachelor announcement, “I’m here to find a wife and if any of you question that, you are more than welcome to go home.”

Sent home this week is questionable mental state Ashley, the girl whose name I can’t remember, and Juelia. Ashley tells the camera she feels nothing.  She says she has no feelings.  She says honestly, she is who she is.

I hope whoever she is was acting.

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