This week Jimmy Kimmel graces the Bachelor with his funny presence. I wish he was on every week. Jimmy shows up at the mansion and greets the women with this gem, “Hello sister wives!” So apropos and also, so so funny. That’s exactly what they are! Jimmy tells the ladies he is there to help Farmer Chris make his decision by “making love to each of [them].”
Did anyone notice how uncomfortable Chris Harrison looked when Jimmy was in the room? Upstaged!
One on One Date: Canadian
A limo picks up Kaitlyn and Farmer. They believe they are headed to a fancy place but the limo arrives at Costco. For Kaitlyn, Costco is pretty fancy.
Apparently the date is at Costco because this is what real life looks like. They are instructed to buy copious amounts of ketchup, pants and an office chair. That’s not my life but I suppose it might be someone’s. They also need to buy dinner fixings because Jimmy is coming to dinner tonight! Again, I would be so much more excited to hang out with Jimmy for the night. Man, I would be bad on this show.
Eventually Kaitlyn and Chris end up in a weird blowup bubble thing and kiss. I think we need a kissing tally for this guy. That’s one.
Maybe I’m doing my dating life wrong but when the Costco trip was over, Farmer and Kaitlyn went back to Farmer’s weird garage apartment to prepare for their guest of honor. They kept discussing how great their date to Costco was and how much fun they had. I’ve hit up Sam’s Club plenty of time with my boyfriend and we’ve never once come home from there and reminisced about how much fun we had at Sam’s Club. We must not be doing it right.
Jimmy shows up at the dinner party. Overall this is pretty boring. Jimmy asks Kaitlyn if she’ll get mad at Chris if he sleeps with all three women in the fantasy suite. To show just how cool and laid back she is, Kaitlyn says, “No. I can’t be. It’s part of the process. You can’t take out a car without test driving it.” I think she means buy a car. In any event, you’re a liar. Any woman in her right mind would be very upset if the guy they got engaged to had sex with two different women The. Night. Before. Ick. Triple Ick!
Jimmy passes his pearls of wisdom on to Chris and tells him to have sex with all the girls. Kaitlyn says she can have sex with as many people as she wants too. She’s a classy classy girl. Rose for Gia (please reference last week’s post – Gia from Full House).
Group Date: Are you Ready to Meet Some Real Party Animals?
Jimmy takes the girls to a farm to see how they’ll stand up on Chris’ farm. They have to shuck corn, collect eggs, crack the egg into a frying pan, milk a goat, drink the milk, shovel manure, and then place a pig in his pen.
Per usual, ABC has to use a black box to cover up Jillian’s rear end again. What is with that? Does she not have any shorts that are made for adults?
The girls describe the goat milk as warm and salty. Ugh. I don’t think I could do that. Carly, cruise ship singer, proves herself as a worthy farmhand. E-i-e-i-o. Carly is feeling ballsy after winning the blue ribbon so at the after party she plants a kiss on Farmer. That’s two.
Then he kisses some chick who asks him to slow dance. No idea what her name is but she’s a bartender. That’s three!
Kissing Chris acknowledges there is a lot of kissing going on but says that’s the point of this whole deal. Is it though? Last I checked people hoping to get married didn’t just tongue every person they met. But ok.
Then he makes out with Britt. That’s four. Ironically, the only one who starts to take issue with Chris’ loose tongue is young Mackenzie. She’s wondering why he’s kissing everything in a skirt. Me too, Mack, me too. She asks him, “why are you kissing everyone else, too?” I admire Mackenzie in this moment. Seriously Chris, why ARE you kissing all these women? You cannot possibly see a future with 99% of them. So why do you think it’s ok to kiss that 99 percent?
Chiropractic assistant Becca gets some alone time with Farmer and tells him she wants to kiss him but doesn’t want to rush it and wants it to mean something. She doesn’t kiss him. Did you just hear something? That was the sound of my jaw hitting the floor. Ladies and gentleman, I’d like to mark this as Exhibit A: it’s called self-respect. Way to go Becca!
And guess who got the rose? Becca! Everyone take a cue from Becca.
Second One on One: Whitney
Whitney is so overwhelmed when she learns she’s going on a date with this virtual stranger that she starts to cry. Normal.
Whit and Chris go to a winery for some tastings. Side note – wine tasting in a beautiful place is beyond fun. I’m pretty much a pro:
Oh summer how I miss thee. Anyway, Whit and Chris are guzzlin’ some grape juice when what do you know? ABC stages a wedding! Convenient AND believable! Whit comes up with a grand plan to crash the wedding. She says “YOLO,” (mom translation: you only live once) and off they go. Well first they decide they need to change into formal wear, because you know, “YOLO.”
By the time Chris and Whit are changed into their clothes, it’s pitch black outside. I’d say at least 8 hours have gone by since they first spotted the wedding. As I said, this seems very realistic. Oh and also, a camera crew following you around at a wedding won’t make you stick out like a sore thumb or anything. Totally normal.
Whit and Chris fake it till they make it at the wedding and none of the actors seem suspicious. Eventually the pair dance the night away and a familiar song starts to play. I knew right away that I recognized it. The App Shazam told me it was Matt White “Love and Affection.” Google told me that Bachelorette Des went to his concert with Chris (the guy she ended up picking) back on her season (Clip available here). Geez ABC. You can’t even get original music? Apparently he is their go-to singer songwriter. Google also told me that he performed at Ashley and JP’s wedding and Des and Chris’ wedding last weekend.
Whit and Chris kiss. That’s five! Rose for Whit.
Cocktail Party Pool Party
Jimmy drops by the house to tell the girls there will be no cocktail party today but instead a pool party. He tells the ladies they have an hour to get ready before Chris arrives. There are audible gasps and jaws drop. Is this editing? These girls don’t think an hour is a long enough time to get ready for a POOL PARTY? Even when I’m trying to look my absolute best, from shower to walking out the door, it doesn’t take me longer than an hour to get ready. Why would putting on a swimsuit necessitate so much time? Get a grip ladies! But I guess that just means I’d be the one to show up at the pool party with hairy legs. Yet another reason I would stink on this show.
New Jersey Ashley is really upset at the prospect of a pool party. She says, “I was so excited to do my Kardasian look tonight.” Yep. She said that. I had her in my first post this season labeled as the one most likely to worship Kim K (seriously) but then I decided it was so obvious that it wasn’t even funny! She looks like she’s trying so hard to be Kimmy. Well except the virginity thing.
At the pool party, Juelia decides it’s time to tell Chris about her tragic past. It’s really sad and awful but I just wish she wasn’t on the show. She’s young and the tragedy is too recent. It’s just a lot to handle at a mid-afternoon pool party while you’re wearing a swimsuit and wearing fake eyelashes.
Jade decides it’s time to step up her game and she intends to do that by looking like a hooker. She takes Chris back to his garage, lies down on his bed in her nude swimsuit and five-inch stilettos and makes out with Farmer. That’s six.
Next he makes out with muscle builder Jillian. That’s seven. Ashley sees them make out and starts to crack. Don’t cry Ash- that mascara is going to be a mess running down your face! She gets some alone time with Farmer and he is instantly confused by her emotions. He asks her if she’s laughing or crying. She says both. He hugs her, she stops crying, she says she missed him and then Ash attacks Chris’ face. It looks like he’s trying to rein in her aggressive and disgusting technique but fails as they sit precariously on the ledge of the mansion. I’m concerned for their safety. I’m also concerned that he’s now made out with EIGHT girls this episode. After, Ashley is sad her mouth was so dry when they kissed. Um ok. Ew.
Three girls, whose names I don’t know, get the boot. See ya! I am hoping for some more action (by action I mean drama and less making out) on this next episode.