That’s How I Feel. Boom.

This season must seriously lack entertainment or drama.  The first episode ended with a cliff hanger, as one of the ladies, Kimberly, decided to ask to stay on the show despite not receiving a rose.  That, apparently, warranted a cliff hanger.

So that’s where we pick up on episode two.  It’s sunny outside, so I can only assume these poor women have been up for well over 24 hours.  Kimberly walks back into the mansion to ask Farmer for a first chance (she never had an opportunity to speak with Chris during the Tara’s kegger cocktail party).  And the girls are peeved.  How dare she come back in here after we have formed such strong connections with him!  Or at least that’s how the insecure girls act.  Ladies, calm down.  He doesn’t know any of your names and the producers told him with to keep at least 20 out of the 22 remaining women.

Chris gives 28-year-old yoga instructor Kimberly a rose.  There is an audible gasp from the peanut gallery until they realize that Chris is watching them at which point they slowly clap and half-heartedly say “yay.”  Kimberly brings her hands to heart center, bows, and quietly says, “namaste.”

The girls change into some yoga pants that Kimberly brought for the group, some continue to drink because why not, and the Almighty Chris shows up to tell the women that Farmer Chris is living at the end of the driveway.  To some of the women this translates as permission to break and enter.  I think some no contact orders might be appropriate in the near future. With his permission to stalk Farmer, Chris also hands out the first date card, which reads, “show me your country.”  Thanks but no thanks.

Group Date: Show me Your Country

Six girls are selected for this group date and instructed to only pack a bikini.  Less is more.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, muscle builder Jillian and make-up artist Megan, have downed just enough mimosas to decide that breaking into Farmer Chris’ house is appropriate.  For some reason, Jillian wears a swimsuit that requires ABC to put a black bar over the back AND front of her lady bits.  Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse, my mom called and told me that she heard they had to use the little black bar to cover Jillian not because the suit was too small but because Jillian is abnormally hairy.

Yes.  Let that sink in.  She is too hairy.  Sorry if you threw up a little in your mouth.  Moving on.  They enter Farmer’s house, which looks like a depressing garage with some ugly throw rugs.  Megan puts on Chris’ motorcycle helmet and bangs her head against the wall over and over again, voluntarily.  What high-caliber girls!

On the date, the pool party ends and ABC resorts to exploitation of the ladies.  The girls are paraded down the streets of LA in their bikinis only.  They walked a MILE like this.  A MILE.  They arrive at the grand destination.  Tractors for a tractor race downtown LA.  So stupid.  My friend and I put the show on mute at this point.

Ashley from New Jersey, who looks just like Kim Kardasian, wins the tractor race and gets a few minutes alone with Farmer while they both try to awkwardly sit on the tractor.

At the mansion we learn horribly sad news that one of the women, Juelia, was widowed after her husband committed suicide when their daughter was a baby.  Poor Juelia breaks down in tears while girls pepper her with questions.  Has anyone heard of a hug?  Ugh.  I can’t imagine what this poor girl has been through.

On the country date, Chris gives the group date rose to 21-year-old Mackenzie.  The one who named her baby after a trendy health food: Kale.  You heard me correctly.  She’s 21, which is bad enough on its own for a 34-year-old, but she also has a child.  Named Kale.  The group date turns to a one on one date with Mackenzie.  He takes her to a bar because it’s her first time using her actual ID.

Then weird things start to happen.  Or maybe 21-year-old things start to happen.  Mackenzie spends her time telling Chris that his nose is very prominent and that it’s a great nose.  I don’t think I’ve ever said that to a date.  My what a nice schnoz you have!  Chris looks uncomfortable as he drinks his beer more quickly.  Mackenzie then asks Chris, “do you believe in aliens?”  I’m sorry but I haven’t been 21 in a while.  Is this normal conversation?  Go back to your home planet, Mack.  Chris says the alien talk raises a few red flags for him.  Amongst other things Chris…

For some reason, she gets a rose.  They make out at the bar, just like any good 21-year-old would do.

One-on-One Date: Megan, Love is a Natural Wonder

Megan.  The one with no brain cells.  She banged them all against the wall in Chris’ garage apartment. Chris picks her up and takes her to the airport where they board a private plane to Vegas, hop in a heli and fly over the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon.  Um yes please!  Sign me up!  Amazingly enough, my Bachelor watching partner has done this exact thing!  They stop somewhere in the Grand Canyon and picnic.

Megan reveals the sad news that her dad recently died from a heart attack.  So sad.  I feel like that is the new criteria for this show: you can be on if you have something really tragic to share on national television.  Megan gets a rose and a make-out session with Chris.

Group Date: Til Death Do We Part

This date is so stupid.  I can’t even bring myself to write about it.  Here is the gist – they play paint ball and the object is to shoot zombies.  The whole time, onion girl Ashley H is confused and non-sensical.  Is this an act?  I don’t believe ABC genuinely casted a mentally ill person.  So is she on something?  She makes me uncomfortable. She keeps calling the paint ball park the Mesa Verde in the creepiest voice possible.

At the house, Mack and Megan are having a spa day with face masks, and 24-year-old student Jordan has drunk all the alcohol in the house.  She comes into the bathroom and drunkenly twerks against the wall.   Then she drunkenly tells the camera that Jillian has the hairiest butt she’s ever seen.  She says it rivals some of her ex-boyfriends.  That’s TWO people telling me about this girl’s hair problems!  What!

At the date Ashley starts rambling more non-sense.  She thinks an angel will receive the rose.  The Canadian gets some alone time with Farmer.  She reminds me of bad girl Gia from Full House:

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Chris kisses Canadian.  He likes her.  Ashley spontaneously tells the group, “that’s how I feel.  Boom.”  Nobody knows what she’s talking about and she just keep repeating herself. “Boom.  Like the truth.  Boom. Go find your own way to the truth.”  Seriously, this is a conversation.  Is this a mental health breakdown?  I don’t understand. She asks Chris to play hide and seek. Then she asks him to explore with her.  She asks if they are at Mesa Verde again.  Later, she interrupts Chris filming a reflection interview.  She says, “I’m not going to be fake with you.”  He says ok. Farmer is genuinely concerned about Ashley and asks if she’s holding up ok.  She says she doesn’t understand what he’s asking her.  (Mental note: she is unable to track conversation.  That is worrisome).  Then she says, “you don’t want to lose the whole world, right?  But actually, you don’t want to gain the whole world.   You don’t want to lose your soul.”  Chris responds with a solemn “correct.”

Chris spends some quality make out time with Britt, removes his tongue from her mouth and hands the rose to Canadian Kaitlyn.  Ouch.

Cocktail Party/ Rose Ceremony 

High-pitched Whitney snagged some alone time with Farmer and brings him his favorite whiskey. Well-played, Whit. Kim Kardashian, Ashley resorts to more drastic measures.  First, she reveals to the girls that she is a 26-year-old virgin.  Mack is beyond envious.  If she was still a virgin she wouldn’t have a child named Kale.  Ashley puts on her genie outfit (why is that a theme this season?) and does one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen on this show.  She tells Chris he has three wishes he can make.  On her belly button ring.  And then she instructs him to rub her belly button ring.  If the hairy butt thing didn’t make you want to throw up earlier, this surely will.  He rubs her belly button and then they aggressively make out.  I mean aggressively.  I had to cover my eyes.  It was a total mess.  Ashley needs some instruction.

Pretty much the remaining 22 girls make out with Chris except drunken Jordan.  She’s been drunk for 72 hours straight and decides her BAC is just high enough to plant a wet one on him.  No kiss happens and awkwardness ensues.

In the end, Yogi was sent home again.  Drunken Tara and drunken Jordan were also among the departed.  The producers mandated that Ashley stick around another week to provide us with entertainment/ concern.

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