It’s Just a Panty Dropper

The worst thing happened on Sunday.  My internet stopped working and the only time my provider could come fix it was Monday night at 6:00 PM.  I sat there like an impatient child, willing the service dude to hurry the heck up and get out of my apartment.  Didn’t he know it was MONDAY NIGHT!  THE Monday night?  He finally left and I breathed a sigh of relief (and also felt like an idiot after I realized that I caused the internet outage from my ironing board getting caught on some cords – – whoopsies!).  I grabbed my sweat pants, charged my cell phone so I was prepared to text 100 texts a minute, consulted my old friends Ben and Jerry and settled in for the night.

And then it happened.  The eagle has landed.

huge

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{photo source 1:http://convozine.com/robin_hardwick/31885}
{photo source 2:http://www.hoax-slayer.com/rebirth-of-the-eagle-hoax.shtml}

Eagle you ask?  Check out that beak.  Anyway, as if this show couldn’t get any worse, Chris Harrison greets us on a LIVE red carpet.  Is this really necessary?  Of course not.  We do not need to waste time on the dog lover, Bachelor lowlife royalty Michelle  Money, cocktail waitress, nanny, or self-explorer, Nikki sans Juan Pablo but with a newly enhanced bosom, Catherine’s weird cape, and a bunch of other people whom you can’t remember but you’re 99% certain they are either a free spirit, cocktail waitress, nanny, or shopping enthusiast.

But let’s focus on Prince Farming.  I may or may not have understood the Prince Farming nickname for a full 24 hours.

The scene changes to Farmer Chris cruising down the Arlington highway on his hog.  Maybe the show wanted to make him appear a little more edgy?  Either way, his hog pulls up to the farm (where no actual livestock reside- a fact some of the ladies should have researched).  The camera pans to the family rock, marking the property:

photo

We’re soules-mates. Here is my family farm rock (with the name redacted because frankly, we’re not soul mates):

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The b-roll footage shows Farmer staged in front of various picturesque barns contemplating his journey to find love.  It’s time for the farming/ love analogies.  Farmer says, “Love is a lot like farming,” and then I stopped listening.  If I had to guess it would include the words seed, water, pesticides, growing, something beautiful.  Is there ever a scenario where the Bachelor can’t make an analogy to the Bachelor’s profession and love?  How about a coroner?  “Love is a lot like performing autopsies: you need to be willing to really look inside someone to find what you’re looking for.”  True.

Anyway, Farmer really digs life on the farm but as much as he loves organic alfalfa, Arlington lacks young women and an adequate hair dresser.  So for all the ladies out there hailing from LA and New York, if you are interested in moving to a 400 person town, median age 67, demographic 99.9% caucasian, 65% male, 100% pick-up trucks, and hot topics include the price of corn, then Arlington is the town for you!  Oh and on a side note: Beef Cake Cody is Farmer’s trainer.  I might have spit out my water when he appeared on-screen.

With Beef Cakes help, Farmer Chris has the muscles it takes to drive his hog cross-country to LA to find his wifey.  We get one brief shot of Farmer’s recently developed upper torso in his outdoor shower (because, why not) and it’s off to the mansion for him to be sized up like a piece of meat.  I can’t possibly devote time to each and every waitress vying for the opportunity to move to Iowa and receive the Kate Gosslin hair style, so instead I’ll focus on the most memorable.

Most Likely to Win the Physical Fitness Test:

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{photo source:http://abc7news.com/entertainment/chris-soules-begins-his-journey-on-the-bachelor/463009/}

Guys.  I had one resolution in 2014.  Just one.  And I failed.  I didn’t even get close.  I wanted to be able to do three pull ups consecutively by the end of the year.  Guess how many I could do when the year came to an end?  Zero.  Zilch.  In fact it hurt my hands just hanging on the bar.

This chick is clearly sippin’ what’s in Cody’s Kool Aid.  Her name is Jillian, she’s a news producer from DC, and her thighs can crush your skull if you stare too long.  She did like 5 pull ups on camera with EXTRA weight dangling between her legs.  Like 50 extra pounds.  She’d probably be able to bale some serious hay on the farm.

Most Likely to Need an Eye Patch:

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{photo source:http://www.eonline.com/news/509848/orange-is-the-new-black-s-crazy-eyes-i-was-a-figure-skater-for-10-years}

Oh how I love thee Crazy Eyes!  Who here can’t wait for season three of Orange is the New Black?!

No but really.  This chick.  Her eyes.  She’s a ballerina named Amanda with the biggest, buggiest eyes this side of the Mississippi.  And she’s annoying to boot.  During her “get to know you” package, Buggy Ballerina said she lives at home with her mom because she doesn’t have to pay rent, and doesn’t have to clean or cook.  Woman, you best learn to cook for your man STAT.  Kidding. Mostly.  But I mean really, I think cooking and cleaning will be expected duties on the farm.

amanda-eyes-435x580

{photo source:  http://www.celebuzz.com/photos/chris-soules-on-the-bachelor-premiere-recap/amanda-eyes/}

Her eyes also remind me of Ramona from the Real Housewives.  They are big eye bugging soul mates.

Of course when it’s time for Buggy Ballerina to meet Farmer, she shows up wearing an I Dream of Jeannie costume, makes Chris cover his eyes and pretends to be his secret admirer.  I half expected her to get out of the limo and start singing “I’m a genie in a bottle baby, gotta rub me the right way honey.”  I felt disappointed when she didn’t.  But she didn’t disappoint me when she said this:  “Chris is dead sexy. His smile! Oh! It’s just a panty dropper.”

Amanda has great depth to her. I can tell because she says things like “I can’t wait to talk to him so I can tell him, like, you’re super hot.”  She gets her opportunity alone with Chris and her strategy is to make “goo goo eyes,” at him the whole time.  Farmer Chris starts to wish she had remained a mystery.

Most Likely To Remain in LA and Absolutely Hate Iowa and All Things Farming:

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{photo source:http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast/19-bachelorette-britt}

It’s beautiful-hugging-waitress-is-that-really-your-hair-Britt!   Britt is number one out of the limo and embraces Farmer Chris like he just got back from three tours in Afghanistan.  She even pants loudly as though Chris’ embrace is the key to her survival.  I wanted to yell “END SCENE!” because it felt like a soap opera audition.  I mean just when you thought a hug couldn’t go on any longer, it did.

Most Likely to be an Organ Donor 

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{photo source: https://us.beamly.com/exclusives/2015/01/06/the-bachelor-limo-entrances/}

Reegan.  The cadaver tissue saleswoman.  Hey she would be perfect for my hypothetical coroner bachelor!  She greets Chris with a biohazardous red cooler, filled with a fake, yet disgusting, heart.  As she opens the cooler to expose a gelatinous, bloody looking blob, Chris starts to feel his whiskey rise in his throat and Reegan quickly shuts the cooler.  She assures the green-faced farmer that it’s just a joke.  Limo greeting fail, Reegan.  Nobody likes organs when they aren’t properly inside your body.  Farmer Chris quickly realizes he and Reegan have vastly different professions that both involve “harvesting.”

The One Most Likely to Need the ABC Psychotherapist/ The One Most Likely to Receive Roses at Producers’ Direction

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{photo source: http://observer.com/2015/01/the-bachelor-morning-after-rose-ceremony-week-1/ }

It’s 24-year-old hairstylist Ashley!  She’s so special, she gets two awards!  Ashley.  Ugh.  She greets Chris with a sour expression but says, “I’m so happy to see your face.”  Um. Are you?  That is not the expression of happiness; it looks more like you’ll cut him if he crosses you.

Ashley starts to become majorly insecure when she doesn’t get some one on one time with Farmer.  She complains, “the night is getting old.  With wrinkles.”  Her eyes start to resemble ol’ crazy eyes.  Soon, Ash is rambling on about how every person is like an onion.  She says, “when you cut them, you peel them back.”  Told you she’ll cut you.

I’m not sure if she’s drunk, drugged, weird, or all of the above but something funky is going on with this lady.  Ashley starts yelling at the camera man to look at the onion (as she points off camera), “take a look at this freaking onion” she says more forcefully.  Finally, curiosity gets the best of Ashley and she picks the “onion” and discovers it is a…pomegranate.

The Most Likely To Get Censured the Most/ The Most Likely to Skinny Dip

KAITLYN

{photo source:http://www.eonline.com/photos/14461/the-bachelor-season-19-meet-chris-soules-ladies/440499}

Kaitlyn is this season’s Canadian and girl has a mouth on her like she just stepped out of the trailer park.  She greets Farmer with this gem: “I’d let you plow the f*** out of my field any day.”  Classy classy broad that Kaitlyn.  Chris is stunned silent.  Just stunned.  His little wholesome Iowa ears can’t even comprehend.  Later, Kathy makes another off-color joke about a tight seal and there is a horrified gasp amongst the ladies.  So that’s her thing.

The Most Likely To Get Pushed Off the Boat

Carly

{photo source:http://i0.wp.com/www.trashtalktv.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/Carly.jpg}

Carly.  Enough said.

Some other memorable shout-outs include the wrestler who wore a doily and called it a dress (it shouldn’t have even passed as a shirt), the girl in the pig nose, and the drunken cowgirl Tara whose best friends include Jameson, Johnny and Jack.  So many gems, so little time.

Chris is optimistic about this selection.  He tells head Chris, “if this doesn’t work, I don’t know what will.”  It’s almost like he’s never seen this show.

The first impression rose goes to hugger Britt.  Incidentally, she also got the first kiss. On the FIRST NIGHT.  Is that a Bachelor first?

Who do you guys like?  I like Jade from Nebraska, guidance counselor Kelsey, Britt (they will never ever be together in a million years but she has a big personality and have I mentioned her hair? Only 10 times).  I feel like this “crop” has so many beautiful women.  Tough pickin’ Farmer!

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