Thank God He’s a Country Boy

Five words.  It only takes five magic words to send my heart aflutter:  “this season on the Bachelor.”

Prepare yourself.  In just two short days, we will hear those sweet sweet words uttered from the Almighty Chris Harrison.  I usually get dressed in my fanciest rose ceremony clothes, grab a giant rose, put on a giant light-up Neil Lane ring, and practice my “I accept this rose” face.

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Adding to my excitement, beyond the obvious drunken people making fools of themselves, women crying over a man they just met and probably don’t really like, and the over the top ridiculous “dates,” I am excited to get to know our new Bachelor, Farmer Chris.  Hey ABC execs, I sincerely hope that Monday’s season premiere starts with this:

You’re welcome. In the alternative, I suggest just playing the entire soundtrack to Oklahoma! It seems fitting.

I really enjoyed our country boy on Andi’s season. He seemed like such a nice “aw-shucks,” kind of guy.  Wouldn’t hurt a fly.  But oh how the mighty have fallen.

Over Christmas, I was with an LA insider (side note: she’s amazing and I’m beyond jealous of things she gets to do!) and she informed me that sweet farmer Chris is more of a Wild West outlaw, and less of a home, home on the range kind of guy.  E-i-e-i-o.

Like the good journalist that I am, I decided to conduct my own research rather than rely on inadmissible hearsay.  So what’s the deal?  Are we dealing with a Billy the Kid or Butch Cassidy?  Or just some youthful indiscretions?  I decided I’d take a look at the court records myself, rather than conduct my research through the National Enquirer.  Here is the screen shot of the results:

Screen Shot 2015-01-03 at 10.34.15 AM

If you click on the screen shot, you can get a closer look at the list.  Yep.  That’s a long list.  In summation, Chris plead guilty to a number of offenses, which include: multiple speeding violations (slow your roll Farmer), stop sign violations, multiple underage drinking violations (he likes to party, he likes, he likes to party), open container while driving, fighting/ noise (worrisome), a DUI (uh oh, things just got serious), and a bunch of other vehicle related incidents.  Basically, Chris enjoys driving fast, boozing, and sometimes combining the two.  His DUI happened in 2005 but it appears he’s been on the straight and narrow ever since.

Is he too much of a bad boy to be the Bachelor?  Or do you think he’s a reformed bad boy?  Or will the edge make him more interesting?  While his charges are voluminous, most of them are pretty minor and nearly 10 years old.  I’m still fine with him as the Bachelor.  Look at that cute face!  Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots!

chris-soules

{photo source: http://heavy.com/entertainment/2014/05/chris-soules-the-bachelorette-2014-photos-pics-final-four-season-10/}

As for the women, here are the top ten scenarios I am hoping for Monday night:

  1. Drunken girl in limo, too drunk to get out.  Immediately sent to detox.
  2. Token mom with more than one child and more than one father.
  3. The baton twirler reappearing for the 10th desperate attempt at finding love.
  4. Tiara.  Nuf said.
  5. An ex-girlfriend of Farmer Chris, who had to come before it was too late.
  6. Someone who is [deep breath] there for the wrong reasons.  Gasp.
  7. A 19 year old nanny/ waitress, who used the pumpkin hued fake tanner and is absolutely old enough to get married, even if she can’t legally drink the champaign at her wedding.
  8. The washed up 30 year old, who, pathetically, didn’t find love as a teenager.  Cougar.
  9. The first impression girl, who will undoubtedly be this season’s villain, and the winner of the gaudy Neil Lane.
  10. Someone who greets Farmer Chris on a tractor.  Wearing overalls.
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