Last Monday night I had big decisions to make. What did I want to chow down on while I watched the Bachelorette finale? Carbs? Chinese food? A gyro? Pizza? The possibilities seemed endless. Finally my friends and I settled on burgers. The kind with cheese oozing out of the middle of them. I took my time in the kitchen plating the food from their greasy take-out boxes when all the sudden, from the other room, one of my friends started yelling, “THERE’S NO RECAP. IT’S ON.”
Unprecedented. Since when does this show just start without a 15-20 minute recap of the past ten weeks? Don’t we need to hear how hard this week is going to be and what an amazing journey Andi’s had and how confident she is that one of the last two will make an amazing husband?
Chris Harrison welcomes us with live commentary. He tells the audience that the man who was rejected is stalking Andi. The broken-hearted reject traveled to Mexico and the Men Tell All to confront Andi. Andi refused to talk to him both times. Now, the reject is required to keep a minimum distance of 100 feet between him and Andi and he is to have no unavoidable contact with her. He is not allowed to text, Facebook, email, call, write, or send aerial messages (Farmer Chris style). Failure to comply with said conditions will result in an immediate casting in Bachelor in Paradise.
Nick Meets the Andi’s
Anyway, as I said, there is NO RECAP. It’s time to jump right in with all the roses. Up first? Nick. Nick puts on his tightest shirt (which I think I might own) and tightest pair of shorts and heads over to meet Hy and the rest of the family. Nick brings flowers for Momma Patti, scotch for Daddy Hy and nothing for Andi’s sister. Come on Nick, you gotta win over sisters too. We like gift cards to Target, wine, massages (from professionals – not from you. Ew.) and Chris Harrison. Any of those options would have been acceptable for sister Rachel.
Right off the bat, Hy is not impressed. Nick is nervous, boring, and sweaty. Patti notices that Nick is nervous and not affectionate towards Andi. Nick starts mumbling at lunch and everyone looks bored to tears. Nick tells the camera, “the worst thing that could happen today is they think I’m a jackass.” I’m not sure they think you are a jackass yet, Nick. That comes later. All in good time.
Nick tells Andi’s mom he loves Andi and nobody else will ever make him feel that way. Momma Patti starts to cry. Tears of joy? Or tears of fear? Meanwhile, Andi pulls Rachel aside to over share about kissing Nick. I get distracted because Rachel looks familiar. And then I realize she’s Jasmine.
Nick asks scary Daddy Hy for his blessing to marry Andi. He laughs the whole time while seeking permission and Hy reluctantly says “if y’all two choose each other, that would be wonderful.” Andi pulls Hy aside and tells him not to worry. No way in heck will she pick that dude.
Josh Meets the Andi’s
It’s time for the fam dam to meet Josh. Josh could have used some steroid shots because that boy is sweatin’ like a pig. But no worries because Josh chose to wear the exact same outfit as Hy – a silky blue button down and some white shorts. Except Josh thought he’d leave his shirt unbuttoned down to his belly button. Cute. And he also decided to steal a pair of Andi’s white Bermuda shorts. Flowers for Momma Patti and lung cancer sticks for Hy. Come on, Josh. It looks like Hy could use a plate of broccoli and a couple laps in the pool, not cigars.
I’m sort of in love with Andi’s crop top and cute patterned blue skirt. Momma Hy says Josh is boisterous and chaotic. What a ringing endorsement!
Jasmine Rachel has a sea turtle tattoo.
Josh’s teeth. Seriously. So white.
They remind of the time Ross whitened his teeth:
In fact, they sort of look alike.
Hy gives Josh his blessing to shack up with his daughter. Josh is so excited. He runs back to his hotel to apply more hair gel and whitening strips in anticipation of his last date with Andi.
Josh’s Last Supper
The best thing to wear on your last date with Andi, to give one last final impression, is the most hideous, bargain bin, bro-tank. Ugh. He just needs a keg cup in hand to complete the look. What a frat boy. They go on a boat. Boring boring boring. Andi’s hair is blowing around. Boring. More boat.
Josh writes Andi a letter and reads it to her. Can’t she read it to herself? Josh makes Andi her own baseball card with her stats. The card says “Andi Murray,” which is Josh’s last name. Cute Josh, cute. A lot more fun than the weird gift Nick’s about to give Andi.
Nick’s Last Supper
Nick doesn’t wear a bro-tank for his final date with Andi but he does chose an equally unfortunate outfit. Blue on blue. Did they have to send the wardrobe department home early? Come on. These outfits are not acceptable.
Andi is taking Nick off-roading in a Jeep for their last adventure. Second Jeep of the season. New sponsor? Nick drives like 10 MPH and Andi fake screams in excitement. They head to a private lagoon for a picnic. Nick leans in to kiss Andi. Andi pushes him away.
Back at Andi’s casa, Nick breathes deeply and is on the edge of having a nervous breakdown. He can’t believe the 9 weeks are already over. 9 WEEKS? Seriously, I have a gallon of milk in my fridge that’s over 9 weeks old (ok, that’s a lie. Everyone knows I guzzle milk like nobody’s business). But 9 weeks does not an engagement make.
Andi tells Nick he should be confident. Nick says Andi is giving him all the signs. Kate says uh oh.
Maybe Andi was legitimately considering Nick…until he gave her the world’s ugliest necklace. It’s a pendant filled with sand on a ridiculously thin long chain from one of the 10000 beaches they went to. Andi is so mortified she flings it onto her neck so she doesn’t have to look at it. Again, she wonders why the personal shopper didn’t help Nick with the final gift.
So who will she pick? The bigger question is who won’t she pick.
Neil pops in to give let Josh peruse his collection of gaudy, costume jewelry rings. Josh picks one fit for Las Vegas and Neil buffs it up nice and shiny on his chest hair. All is right in the world.
And then with a couple knocks on Nick’s door, his fate is sealed. There will be no Neil Lane for Nick. There will be no “will you accept this rose” for Nick. There will only be the memory of fiancé type things (more on that later), potentially an STD, and regret over giving Andi something that a 7th grader would give his crush (the fairytale book AND the sand necklace).
Andi walks into Nick’s hotel room. She’s a little surprised he’s wearing a shirt made out of the table-cloth from their picnic yesterday but she’s got bigger things to worry about.
Andi tells Nick that she woke up this morning and didn’t think things were right. Nick stays mum and Andi starts repeating over and over again, “It’s not right. It’s not what I envisioned. It’s not right.” Andi tries SO HARD to shed tears but none come. She tells Nick that he over analyzes every single thing and that she can’t have fun with him. Nick asks if this is about them or someone else? Andi just shrugs. Nick tells Andi she took things too far. She sure did take things too far. All the way to funky town.
Just like that, ABC managed to make it rain. Do you think they purposely made Andi dump Nick when they knew it was about to rain? It’s just too perfect.
Back in the hotel room, Nick packs his tiny little suitcase and chucks his old roses into the hotel trash can. Who needs those. Nick gets into the rejection SUV and says he feels like such a fool. Meanwhile, Andi enlists the help of her glam squad, cause it’s engagement time y’all!
The Final Rose Ceremony
Ten bucks says she picks Josh. Or is your money on Chris Harrison? I am in LOVE with Andi’s dress. I think it’s gorgeous and beautiful on her. Wouldn’t it make such a great beachy wedding dress? They should just get hitched now!
I wish I could say the same about Josh’s outfit. What. in. the. world. How TIGHT is that suit? He’s bulging out of it. It’s so ill-fitting. Did his get mixed up with Nick’s? Is he trying to channel the incredible hulk? While I’m contemplating how soon it will be before the whole thing rips open, Josh launches into a well-rehearsed, memorized soliloquy. Did he have a teleprompter? Who knew he was capable of memorizing all those lines. Andi tells Josh she loves him and like a dutiful soldier, Josh takes his cue and drops to one knee. The Neil Lane slips onto Andi’s finger and Andi can’t help but stare at her new bling. Josh is sweating bullets. Seriously, he might need to have his glands checked out. He must be so thirsty!
So Andi and Josh live happily ever after.
But Nick? Not so happily ever after. Especially once the order for no contact went into effect.
After the Final Rose
After my friends and I consumed more grease than we thought humanly possible, we convinced my lovely boyfriend to run out and get us shakes to help us through the next hour. There may or may not have been a cheers to Chris Harrison involved:
But back to the show. Here’s what we learn:
1) Nick is back in Milwaukee (holler to the MKE!) and can’t wake up from this nightmare.
2) He’s having a hard time letting go of something so special. He’s not over her.
3) Nick’s mom has a nose piercing. And cries when she thinks of Nick hurt.
4) Nick decides the best way to tell Andi she’s making a mistake is to try stalking her. He flies to the Men Tell All (filmed long after the engagement) to try to talk to Andi. Andi says oh heck no and Nick is denied access.
5) Chris Harrison’s dressing room is filled with 50 shirts — all shades of blue. Not to be confused with 50 Shades of Gray.
6) Chris Harrison delivers a letter to Andi on behalf of Nick. Not without first reading it out-loud to all the crew and having a good chuckle.
It’s time to bring out Andi.
Nick stumbles over his words for 15 minutes and when it’s Andi’s turn to talk she says she wasn’t in love with him and never told him she loved him. Nick says that’s hard to hear and the hardest part is “I guess you know like, knowing how in love with you I was, if you weren’t in love with me, I’m just not sure why you, you made love with me.”
And that’s when an audible gasp came from my living room and I received the following text message from my best friend:
It. just. got. interesting. I mean we KNOW what goes on in the fantasy suite but nobody ever SAYS it! Until now. Andi’s reaction? Not impressed. She tells Nick his comment was below the belt. Nick says, yes that’s exactly what happened. It was all below the belt. Andi says the things she did with him and said to him were real. That position? Totally real.
Nick says the things they did together were “fiancé type of stuff.” Geez. What did they do? What is strictly reserved for your fiancé? Andi is fuming. She tells him that she does way more fun things with her real fiancé.
Here’s my theory: Andi broke up with Nick after the fantasy suite night and all the love makin’ because Nick was bad in bed.
Regardless I see both sides of this situation. I think it’s a tad gross that Andi had sex with two different men back to back. But I also think Nick didn’t need to kiss and tell. And I really do think it’s possible that Andi might have picked Nick but for his performance that night…
As for Andi and Josh? They actually seem really in love! Kind of cute. I’ll for sure blog about their wedding. Let’s just hope it’s not another “grown sexy” themed wedding.
Thanks “y’all” for reading this season. Will you guys watch Bachelor in Paradise? I will give it a shot. Unsure about blogging about it. Thoughts? Who should be the next Bachelor? Chris Harrison? Farmer Chris? Bad in bed Nick? Until next time!