He’s Got a Body on Him

One word sums up this episode: boring.  What a snooze-fest.  I’ve seen more drama on episodes of Full House.  I mean remember when DJ had to choose between Steve and the rich guy, Nelson?  Drama!  Oddly enough, that plot line was similar to this plot line…

Anyway, Andi and her remaining three dudes land in the DR for some quality sexcapades overnight dates to better [ahem] get to know each other.  Biblically.  Except for Farmer Chris.  She’s not going to be shuckin’ any of his corn.   He’s not going to be plowin’ any of her fields.  That was my lame attempt at farming erotica.

Andi is soooooo excited to be in the Dominican Republic.  It’s the perfect place to fall in love.  The first 45 minutes of the show are devoted to recapping the entire season– in case you forgot what happened the past month of this show.  You know the show is really struggling for content when they make us watch Andi “journal.”  Seeing as she turns to the very first page in her spiral notebooks indicates she’s journaling for the first time since 5th grade.

First Overnight Date: Nick 

A HELICOPTER ride!  Yippy!  It’s been a while! And wouldn’t you know it – ABC manages to find some corral from the helicopter that’s shaped like a heart.  How convenient romantic. Andi takes Nick to a private island, where Andi declares, “this is freaking amazing.”  You know what else is also a little amazing?  Nick’s body is actually pretty nice.  I didn’t expect that.  He must have borrowed some roids from Cody.  Andi says, “Nick.  UGH.  He’s got a body on him.”  Ok creeper. She calls Nick passionate and says “It’s that adult romance with Nick.”  Please go no further.  I don’t want to throw up the 10 Oreos I just ate.

Nick and Andi talk about his past relationship and the conversation once again was like this– Nick: like, I, like, I was like, young.  Like.  I was like.  Yeah.  It’s life.  Like that’s the thing.  Like, yeah.

Boy, he’s articulate. Like.

At dinner, Nick tells Andi he did what a typical midwestern guy would do for a girl.  He wrote her a fairytale.  Um.  I’m sorry but I’ve dated a LOT of midwestern guys– in fact I’ve never not dated a midwestern guy– and yet not a one of them ever wrote me a fairytale.  And that’s really quite ok.  Sadly the fairytale was just another recap.  So boring.  So stupid.  So over this.  Does Nick think Andi is a 5 year old?

Andi whips out the fantasy suite card and Nick says he is most excited to talk Andi’s ear off the entire night.  Andi’s thrilled they are going to be doing all this “talking” all night long.  Before they head to the room to swap bodily fluids, he says “like” 500 times and finally “I love you.”

Second Overnight Date: Josh

It’s laundry day for Andi so she decides to wear black running shorts with a yellow flowy lacy top on her date with Josh.  It’s…weird.  Andi wants Josh to tell her he loves her.  If not, no sex for him talking all night long in the fantasy suite.  Andi and Josh explore the little town and what do you know, they end up at a baseball diamond.  I swear this is the last 5 dates these two have been on.

Oh my gosh.  I’m seriously so bored.  Their convo at dinner is so boring I don’t even have anything witty to say about it.  He said he wants to marry her and he loves her.  What’s with his weird accent?  Eventually they head to the recently sanitized fantasy suite, where Josh, unlike Nick, is excited to do anything but talk.

Not Gonna Happen Overnight Date: Farmer Chris

I saw this coming.  I love Chris and I realllllly hope he’s the next Bachelor but I knew Andi was never going to pick him.  There’s no way that chick can keep up her five minutes of fame in Iowa.  Ain’t gonna happen.

Andi spends the date telling Chris over and over again how much she loves his family.  Seriously, it’s all she says all day; your family is so great, I love them!  Yeah well they officially hate you.

Andi wears tiny white shorts for some horseback riding, which apparently she finds terrifying.  Eventually, they play ghost in the grave yard.  Alone.  Maybe not the smoothest move.  It was cute with your family.  It’s just weird alone in a field.

At dinner Andi realizes it’s time to dump the farmer.  While never once looking at him, she tells him 10 times that it’s not Iowa (which really means, it’s actually Iowa) and tells him that it’s actually him.  Oh.  That’s worse.  You should have said it was Iowa.  She basically says her feelings aren’t as strong for him as they are for the other guys.  Andi says she’s unsure about the relationship.  Farmer Chris is stunned and caught off guard.  He tells her he just wants to fall in love with her and that’s happening and that he doesn’t want to change one thing about her.  Farmer Chris can’t believe he’s being dumped for Nick.  The least manly guy ever.  I can’t believe it either Farmer Chris but I’m thankful because I certainly could not watch Nick for a season as the next Bachelor.

As the consummate gentleman, Farmer Chris offers Andi his arm as they walk out to the rejection car.  He wishes her the best and says goodbye.  He’s such a gentle soul.

Andi still conducts a rose ceremony and Nick and Josh accept their roses. Josh brags about all the “non-talking” he and Andi did last night.  Nick responds with 100 likes and then brags that he’s like, the favorite, and like, Andi loves talking to him, like the most.

See you tomorrow for the Men Tell All!  Will anyone else tell Andi she’s an actress?  Will Farmer Chris be announced as the next Bachelor?  Will this episode be a little less dull than the fantasy suite date episode?  Please, please PLEASE let it be more exciting!

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2 thoughts on “He’s Got a Body on Him

  1. Hella Buzzed says:

    SO I also have been saying that this season is boring but I have come to realize something…..Its not boring. Andi is not boring….the show is boring. Its the same thing every year. Same music. Same problems. They need to change up the show a bit. right? I am kinda looking forward to Bachelor in Paradise so at least we wont be able to predict the whole fuggin show…..Andi’s frowny face is bothering me a ton. I cant get over it. Smile ya bitch. Things arent that bad. I bet she will be single after this. I dont see any love connections.

    • Kate's Place says:

      You are absolutely right! This show is so predictable and stale. I think it might help if they started completely fresh with a new lead who wasn’t a reject from previous seasons. But it might just be time for the show to retire. I’m excited for Bachelor in Paradise too — it looks equal parts trashy and entertaining. Perfect 🙂

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