Y’all. Yesterday I spent a solid five minutes staring into the mirror trying to make my lips look like Andi’s signature duck pout look. I failed. I don’t know if it’s because my lips are just too big to pull that off but I looked like a botox job gone bad.
It’s hometown dates. And that means I care about one thing, and one thing only. Andi is headed to Milwaukee! My hometown! Go Pack Go.
Nick takes Andi to the Milwaukee Public Market. It’s the knock-off version of Seattle or so I envision since I’ve not actually been there. But you know what ours has that Seattle probably doesn’t? Beer and cheese tasting aplenty.
Once they have a solid buzz happening (this is, after all, the “drunkest state” in America), Nick takes Andi to Lake Front Brewery for…you guessed it, more drinking! I hope Andi can hold her own because she’s going to be one drink shy of dancing on a table soon. If she gets to that point, I recommend Water Street. She doesn’t quite find herself on a table, but she does hit up the dance floor to perform the Wisconsin state dance, the Polka.
I actually had a gym unit dedicated to the Polka. We take it seriously, folks. If you can’t Polka during the seventh inning stretch at the Brewers game, then don’t bother coming. Cubs fans need not apply.
After Andi and Nick finish rolling out the barrel, they head to Waukesha to meet Nick’s massive family. And I mean MASSIVE. 10 children. Catholic much? Safe assumption. It’s Milwaukee. Nick is the oldest of the Von Trapp Family Singers. The youngest looks to be about 8. Nick is 33. That means he was in his mid 20’s when that kid was born. That’s just wrong, mother. Wrong. Nick’s protective sister, Marie (or Maria?) sits down to chat with Andi about her intentions. I want to know if Nick’s sister intentionally forgot pants? Because man, that dress is short! It was a miracle that ABC didn’t have to use the black privacy bars for this segment.
The youngest, adorable Bella, sits down with Andi and asks the tough questions. Andi says she has a strong “mental connection” with Nick. Bella wonders who says “mental connection.” I vote for Bella as future Bachelorette in 15 years. Bella reports back to Nick and can’t really remember her conversation with Andi and falsely tells Nick that Andi loves him. Oh Bella. Maybe journalism isn’t in your future. This is how rumors get started.
Nick humbly tells his Mother that he’s Andi’s favorite and there’s no way he’ll get sent home. His mother wonders how her son’s ego got so gigantic.
Arlington, Iowa: Field of Dreams
How adorable is Farmer Chris? I’m ready to saddle up my horse and head to Iowa. I’ve got no problem with Iowa, Chris. And I have no problem baking in the kitchen and playing ghost in the graveyard at night. FYI, I come with a cat. See ya soon!
Farmer is sexy in his plaid shirt and blue vest. Andi agrees. Finally something we can agree on! Farmer gives Andi a tour of his beautiful house (seriously Farmer, I’m on my way) and his picturesque farmland. Taking a cue from Kenny Chesney, Farmer takes Andi out back to show off his tractor. Farmer Chris winks at the camera and tells it, “she think’s my tractor’s sexy.”
Farmer Chris shows Andi his entire dell. He takes Andi out to plow the field. Andi is disappointed he can’t plow anything else on this date. She says “he’s hot, he’s manly, he’s burly. He’s like, the hottest farmer ever.” They picnic in the field and Andi asks Farmer what she’s supposed to do in this podunk town. Farmer suggests she be a homemaker. Andi asks if there are any talent agents around because she reminds Farmer she quit her lawyering job in search of fame. Farmer Chris suggests she get back to her legal career instead of trying to be an “actress.” Andi says she’s not as City as he thinks she is. Cause her family has a cabin, y’all. And she hunts. A plane flies over carrying a banner, “Farmer Loves Andi.” Andi responds with her most sincere ‘shut up.’
Andi meets Farmer’s mom, dad, three older sisters and their husbands. I like Farmer even a tad more knowing he’s the youngest (the youngest are always the most charming. Ask anyone. Ask my mom). One of Chris’ sisters reminds me of Julia Stiles so I already like her. Julia raves about the success of their little bro. Andi’s mom is adorbs and I love her. She’s so sweet. Momma Farmer says Andi can do anything in Iowa and the world is so small so there are no limits for a woman on a farm these days. Amen, momma, amen. Sage momma tells the camera that it’s an integral part of life to share the good times and the bad times with someone you love and she wants Chris to find that. I love her. What a warm lady.
Momma Farmer gets Andi alone and tells her their babies would be beautiful. The way she says babies just makes me die with laughter. There was so much gusto. BABIES. She tells Andi she has gumption and that she’s a tough cookie. She tells her to follow her heart and that she can make it anywhere. After, the family goes out to play ghost in the graveyard. Love. this. How can you not embrace a family who wants to go out and have fun together? My sisters and I played ghost in the graveyard all the time growing up. Count me in!
Atlanta. I have nothing creative to say about this.
Josh and his sports loving family are ready to talk sports with Andi. Put on your helmet Andi, it’s going to be a long afternoon. But first, Josh and Andi play some baseball. Of course. This feels very reminiscent of Roberto and Ali. Andi wears shorts that she should have retired in 6th grade. They are so short they don’t even cover her hips. Come on, girl. Nobody ever said shorter is better. Josh says that he decided to leave baseball so he could have a life. Um. I think you left baseball because baseball left you. But nice try Josh. Nice try.
Now let’s talk about Aaron. The little brother. He’s about to be drafted by the NFL. And that’s all the family cares about. Andi is pissed. This is about HER.
Creepy alert. Josh’s mother looks exactly like Andi. Or Andi looks exactly like Josh’s mother. She could be her daughter. She could be Josh’s sister. The resemblance is too much. Their hair colors are identical. This gives me the icks.
For some reason the little brother, Aaron, the present golden boy of the family, sits at the head of the table and gives the toast. After that, Aaron’s done his good deed of the day and is free to talk about football the rest of the evening. Andi is mad. “Before I could even eat dinner, they were like football time,” she says with a roll of the eyes. Andi says she knows it’s a “huge time in Aaron’s life but it’s also a huge time in Josh’s life.” Really? Is it? Sorry but the NFL draft is probably a little more interesting to these folks than their son’s girlfriend who happens to also be dating 3 other dudes and maybe Chris Harrison.
Andi has some time alone with Josh’s mother and his Mother basically says Josh is a momma’s boy and she better back down. Coach dad tells Andi that if they end up together they will be expected to attend all of Aaron’s football games on Sundays. Andi is starting to lose it. She does not want to spend all day fawning over Aaron for the rest of her life. People should be fawning over her, damn it! Andi curses the day Aaron was born and heads to her next hometown date…
Dallas: All my ex’s live in Texas (A song Andi will soon sing)
Marcus tells Andi he’s taking her on a tour of Dallas reflective of a day in his life. I’m worried. He takes Andi to a dark club and performs a striptease. It’s so awful I cringe. His undies are so tight and so white, that ABC was actually forced to use the black privacy bars. Oh Marcus. Why. Cue the groans. Did I miss something? How is this a day in your life? Are you a stripper? Do you like strippers? Do you frequent a lot of strip clubs? Poor judgment Marcus. Poor judgment.
After Marcus wipes the oil off his body and pulls the singles out of his g-string, he takes Andi to meet his family. His sister reminds me of Stifler’s mom. I guess that makes sense given the striptease we were just forced to witness. Stifler’s mom tells Andi that he can be a little “over-caring” sometimes. Translation: he’s intense, has he scared you off? Andi says her feelings need to catch up to Marcus.
Meanwhile, Marcus chooses this opportunity to thank his brother for essentially raising him. Tears were shed. It was strange. Why is this happening on national television and not in private? His mother seems Russian. That’s all.
ABC Demonstrates Just How Low They’re Willing To Go
In what seemed like the most contrived moment yet, Chris Harrison invites all the remaining contestants and Andi to his house to deliver the tragic news that Eric died in a paragliding accident. It felt very awkward, inappropriate and exploitive. That’s all I’m going to say about it. Chris Harrison’s house? Icky. Can’t he hire someone to make that place a little nicer? Come on Chris, you make millions just instructing bimbos to hand out their final rose of the evening. You can afford an interior designer.
Marcus was sent packing sans rose. No surprise there. Andi doesn’t really see “striptease” recipient in her future. Marcus is stunned. He tells Andi, “I wanted to be that guy for you.” Andi tells him that when she’s engaged to Josh or Nick (I see Farmer Chris as the next Bachelor), he’ll definitely be the guy for her to perform at her Bachelorette party.
Marcus gets in the rejection limo and says “I feel like an idiot. I shouldn’t have told her I loved her….I feel like she could be my soulmate.” No Marcus, you shouldn’t have performed a striptease on your hometown date. That’s where things went wrong.