That was Literally Phenomenal

Touchy subject.  Andi’s in Brussels.  As in Belgium.  You know, the country who just beat the US in the World Cup?  If only I cared one ounce about soccer!  And truthfully, if you care that much about soccer, you probably don’t read my blog.  It’s all good.

Andi and the remaining 5 men plus Nick are ready to hit up the all you can eat Belgian waffle special at the IHOP.  Whoever eats the most waffles automatically gets a hometown date.  Somewhere Bodybuilder Cody is throwing a protein shake against the wall.  He knew if he were on this trip, he would totally win the eating contest.  He’d even be willing to skip lean protein for a chance at love with Andi.

The men arrive at their new hotel for the week in their mandatory Brussel’s uniform: zipped up hoodies with fashion scarves for men.  You know, I’ve never seen my boyfriend wear a fashion scarf.  I think I’m ok with that.  Sometimes he wears this cute scarf in the winter that he crocheted himself (seriously) but that’s when it’s -40 outside and snow is whipping horizontally at your face and it’s been 40 minutes at the bus stop.  But never once has he said to me, you know, I’d really like to borrow one of your silky scarves.  Never once.  Nick can even tie his scarf better than me.

Chris Har shows up for a “man chat” to tell the guys this week is important.  In case you’ve lived under a rock the past 15 years, making it through this week means you get a hometown date.  For some reason Chris just got paid millions to deliver that message.  How do I get his job?  Other rules of the week: two one on one dates with no roses and a group date with a rose.  Got that?  Good.  Harrison excuses himself — after all the beer, waffles and chocolates aren’t going to eat themselves!

One on One- Marcus, You’re Kind of a Clinger And Your Tongue is Way too Aggressive When we Kiss But I’ve Got Slim Options So I’d Like to Hang Out With You for the Day

Marcus is 25.  That’s just wrong.  Marcus and Andi head into the city to explore.  Andi wears, for the 12th date straight, her white pants.  Why the tight white pants?  How does she keep them clean?  The “no white after labor day” rule is obviously dead and gone.

M & A order some mussels.  I seriously love mussels.  And not the Cody kind.  I like the seafood kind.  Old Ebbitt Grill in DC.  Holy smokes.  Get me some.  NOW.  Mussels, Brussels and beer?  That’s my ideal date!

Ok ABC, I don’t believe your editing.  After they are done with mussels, we head to commercial.  When the show is back on, Andi and Marcus are all dressed up and eating dinner.  Um.  Didn’t they just eat?  They must be so full.

At dinner Marcus says his family is dysfunctional.  What else is new.  He said his dad left and he hated his Mother in his 20’s (he’s 25 so I totally don’t follow).  He says his Mother is not the best.  Son of the year!

Marcus says he’s never felt this way about a girl before.  How can people get on this show and say that?  Have they never known someone more than 30 minutes?

Marcus comes back from his date and Nick starts to scheme.  He sneaks off and heads to the hotel lobby.  He approaches the front desk and tells the clerk he forgot his key and room number and asks for a new key.  Nick says the room is under his wife’s name, Andi D.  The clerk asks no questions, gives him Andi’s room number and a key.  It might be time to review that hotel’s security protocols.  Mr. Andi shows up at her door and the Mrs. is stunned.

You know what I find odd?  When I get home from work, dinner, a date, etc, I immediately peel my clothes and jewelry off.  I throw my hair on top of my head, put on the biggest sweats I can find and scrub the makeup off my face.  I do that within minutes of walking in the door.  Without fail.  But Andi?  She’s back in her hotel room looking all glammed up and perfect.  I’m not buying this impromptu ambush.

Andi and Nick enjoy some Brussels nightlife.  Nick says he’s going to marry Andi.  I say Nick looks like a cross between a serial killer and the Joker.  Andi tells us one too many times how hot it is making out with Nick.  No.  You know what’s hot?  Tamales.  And potatoes. But Nick?  No.

One on One – Josh, I Just Want to Make Out With You All Night Long So That’s Why I Picked You For the Date and I Love Athletes 

You guys.  Andi is wearing the white pants.  AGAIN!  Why!  Did ABC mandate white pants only this season?  Doesn’t she own a pair of dark wash jeans?  She’s also wearing a crop-top.  Enough said.  Meanwhile, Josh put on the tightest shirt he owns to highlight his man nipples and pecks.  Josh and Andi wander the streets of Brussels and sample some local chocolates.

When they are finished, Josh says, “that was literally phenomenal.”  Oh Josh.  Shopping cannot possibly be considered a phenomenon.  It’s just not.  This is a phenomenon:

sky

image source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natural_phenomenon#mediaviewer/File:Polarlicht_2.jpg

For a lesson on using the word literally, click here: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/literally

Glad we cleared that up, figuratively.

Andi complains that Josh isn’t emotional enough and doesn’t open.  So she takes him to a church and has him light some candles.  At dinner, Andi is annoyed that Josh hasn’t said ‘I love you,’ or ‘I’m falling in love with you’ because at this stage, 3 weeks after knowing these Andi and spending a cumulative 3 hours with her, dropping the L-word is essential if you want to stay in the running.  Frankly if someone told me they loved me faster than I can even consume a bag of chips, I’d probably get a restraining order.  Andi fishes and fishes until she forces Josh into saying he’s falling in love with her.  Lawyering.

The other mandated feature of the show this season (the first being Andi’s white pants) is the concert.  Andi and Josh dance to some band called “American Young.”  This is the second date for Josh and Andi and their second concert.  For your pleasure, I’ve looked up the chorus of this song:

Sometimes love is a white flag
Sometimes love is standing tall
Sometimes love is a feather
Sometimes a cannon ball
But it’s worth fighting for (it’s worth fighting for)
Baby, sometimes love is war

Read more: American Young – Love Is War Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Duh, we know.  Love is a battlefield.

Group Date: You’re on this date because I didn’t want to make out with you (except you Nick, I had to put you on this date because ABC is hoping to create drama)

The boys pedal Andi on a “rail bike,” which is a bike/ cart thing that rides on a railroad track.  That seriously looked like fun.  After the guys get their burn on, Andi takes the men to a monastery.  Since it’s sacred grounds, there is no kissing on the grounds.  Everyone speaks in hushed tones while on the grounds.  Andi pulls Farmer Chris outside the walls to make pottery together.  Andi says it’s very steamy.  She pretends she’s Demi and imagines Patrick Swayze’s arms wrap around her. I don’t blame you, Andi.  Patrick makes my heart swoon.

Farmer Chris rejoins the other guys and gets annoyed by game-playing Nick.  Brian tells Andi he’s falling in love with her.  He says he’s never told anyone that before.  I feel like every guy keeps saying that.  Nobody wants to hear that a 30 year old has never loved another person before.  Andi reacts with a  “yeah” when he says he’s falling in love with her.  Ouch, Brian.  That was a bad yeah.  Kiss your rose receiving days goodbye.

Nick says he’s confident that Andi is coming home to meet his family.  He starts to tell Andi how she feels.  It sort of makes me want to punch him in the face.  Like as hard as possible.  He says he can FEEL Andi falling in love with him.  How arrogant are you?  For some reason Andi eats it up and they have a staring contest for like a three minutes straight due to the sacred ground rule.

And what do you know, Nick gets the rose.  He gets to spend the rest of the night with Andi for managing to pull the wool over her eyes one more time.  Andi is super excited to go to Milwaukee to meet Nick’s family.  I’m really sad that Nick is from my hometown.

As for Andi’s rejectee’s?  They are madder than a wet hen.  Literally?  No, not literally, Josh.  Back on Nick’s private date, they play a game of “this or that,” with serious questions like “big or small?”  Nick says big.  Go big or go home.  I don’t totally know what they are talking about anymore but I guess that’s supposed to mean he’s well-endowed.  But I don’t buy it.  And that makes me want to vomit a little.  They watch some fireworks- big ones- and Nick can feel Andi fall in love with him a little more.

Nick returns home to the scorn of the rejected men.  The’ve had enough of his game playing/ winning.  After what seems like 7 minutes of total silence, the men finally man up and tell Nick they want to pulverize him.  Brian finally breaks the silence.  Marcus says he wouldn’t trust him near his sister.  Farmer Chris asks if he cares more about Andi or strategy.  All the men agree he cares about strategy.  I think the guys should play a friendly game of Stratego to determine who’s best at strategy.  Listen, I don’t like Nick one iota but they do all sound a little jealous.

Brian and Dylan get sent home.  Brian has a mild breakdown but it’s nothing the ABC psychotherapist can’t handle or drug.  Hometown dates comin’ on up!

 

 

 

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