Oh Venice. I knew you once. And I loved you.
I knew that scarf once too. And I loved it. But then I lost it in a bar in Rome. Oh well.
Andi and her entourage of eight head to Venice to find love. Andi hops off her private Gondola and lets the guys know the first date starts… NOW. Cody is grinning ear to ear. He can’t wait for his first one on one date with Andi. Guys. Did you see that deep v-neck shirt? Cody officially has more cleavage than I do. He kisses his lucky bicep and starts to head towards Andi. In what can only be foreshadowing, Andi denies Cody and picks Nick instead.
Nick and Andi stroll the adorable streets of Venice. I have to swallow all of my jealousy to get through this episode. Not the Nick part. Yuck. Italy’s my true love. Nick and Andi hop into a Gondola to have a serious conversation:
- Nick: Like. I want to, like, talk, like about the cocktail party.
- Andi: Ok. Like, what’s up?
- Nick: It just, like, matters to me, like, a lot.
- Andi: I get what you’re saying (that makes one of us!)
- Andi: I think like, I need to figure things out.
- Nick: So I was just, like.
After their profound conversation, Andi feels better about Nick. I feel, like, a lot worse about him. Andi and Nick put on their finest clothes and masks and head to a formal dinner in some beautiful building, which are a dime a dozen. I’m left reminiscing about my mask:
Oh to be 20 again.
Back to this snooze fest. How boring is Nick? I don’t understand the appeal. I want to like a fellow Wisconsinite but I can’t. Nick tells Andi that he’s “confidently, like, falling in love.” With Italy? With the wine? With Cody? With Andi? With himself? We’ll never know. Nick gets a date and of course, a private concert. Duh.
Andi shows up for her group date with her fashion scarf tied around her neck like a bib. I can only assume that’s to protect herself from dripping marinara sauce or cannoli cream oozing out. Otherwise, I have no idea why you’d wear your scarf like that. I’m excited for the group date. Will they head to the island of Murano and blow glass? Will they design their own Carnivale costumes? Will they explore the waterways? Nope. They will take lie detector tests. Because nothing says Italy like forensic science? I’m confused. Italy is the country responsible for ruining Amanda Knox’s life. I’m not sure they are qualified to handle investigations.
But alas, I’m more than happy to hear what these men lie about! Andi takes the men to a torture chamber. The pro-athlete starts to sweat. He’s screwed. If it makes you feel better Mr. Baseball, these results are inadmissible in a US court of law. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t going to judge you.
Andi offers to go first. She’s, like, always honest. First question: Is Italy your favorite country? Andi says yes. I’m calling that a lie. Also, you should lose your US passport for your lack of patriotism. Geez. Next: Do you think all of the guys are here for the right reasons? Andi: Yes. Oh you poor poor fool! Have you not met Josh? Get to know him before you stick your tongue down his throat any more! Are you falling in love: Yes. And sadly, probably with Josh. The one guy who’s not here for the right reasons. Open your EYES, Counselor! She also thinks her husband is among the group. Sure.
When the men get questioned, some highlights were the following: To JJ – are you good in bed? He said yes. Ha! Good for JJ. To Dylan — have you slept with over 20 women? I wish I could tell you he said no. But he didn’t. He said yes. Why Dylan WHY!? And more importantly, why ABC, why! The next question was is your chlamydia all cleared up? Dylan said yes. That last question didn’t happen but it probably should have been asked. It’s a little unsavory that Dylan is so frisky but it’s also unsavory that ABC is so brazen. I feel bad for Dylan. And also grossed out. Sorry Dyl.
Just when you thought they couldn’t embarrass Dylan enough, they asked if he washes his hands after he goes to the bathroom. He said no. Ugh. Oh Dylan. I think your days might be numbered.
Hey ABC, how come you didn’t ask Andi how many dudes she slept with? Or about her hygiene practices? Dylan goes home sick from the date. Can’t say I blame him.
The results are in. Andi told two lies- she lied about her love of Italy and she lied about the guys being there for the right reasons. LIAR! Three men told no lies (Dylan, obviously, sigh). One man told two lies. Two men told three lies (I’m looking at you Josh). Who else is a liar? JJ? Marcus? Who is it?!
We’ll never know. Andi tears up the men’s results. Gosh darn you Andi. At the after party, Brian administers a lie detector test. Smooth move Brian! Andi lawyered Brian a little during the test but it was cute. She probably should have stuck with her day job. Farmer Chris reveals he’s the secret admirer sending the love notes. I totally knew it was him. Andi feels like Josh is hiding something. Like a “girl friend,” in every area code. The group date rose goes to her secret admirer, Farmer Chris. JJ loses it.
Second One-on-One: Cody, You’ll Never Be My Romeo
It’s true Cody. You’ll never be anyone’s Romeo. But you will undoubtedly be a lot of people’s personal trainer. I’d hire you. Andi takes Cody to Verona, Italy– the setting of Romeo and Juliet.
Andi shows up for the date wearing a skort. I think. I seriously have no idea what those things are. There’s definitely shorts in the back and some sort of unfortunate flap in the front. It’s like the mullet of the short/skirt world. She should give those to Cody when he gets the boot. We never need to see those hideous things again. Oh and she borrowed Chris Harrison’s turtleneck.
This date is so stupid, let’s just fast-forward to the part that made me want to shake Cody and tell him to pay attention to body language cues!
But first, any time Romeo and Juliet comes up, I always get the Dire Strait’s song stuck in my head. It’s so good! Enjoy below – trust me it’s more worth your time than this lame date. It’s apropos really because Cody’s about to find himself in dire straits by the end of this date (and this is the perfect “I just got dumped song.”)
Really, this date is worthless. The two pretend to respond to some love advice column. For some reason, Andi says this is the PERFECT date for Cody. The guy who kisses his biceps. If you say so. After, awkwardness ensues. Andi and Cody go to dinner and poor Cody is grinning like a love-struck moron. He confesses his love for Andi in a “Dear Juliet” letter. He calls her beautiful. Says she has all the qualities he’d want in a wife. He keeps talking. “I just wanna grab you, kiss you, hug you, roll around with you. Do all those things.” Andi looks like she’s going to throw up. She looks like someone just told her Dylan slept with over 20 women. She starts to cry. Cody is none the wiser. He has no idea. It’s just verbal diarrhea spewing out of his love-stricken mouth. Finally Andi tells him to stop. She tells him they are just friends. Cody is stunned. He looks around for a wall to punch. Andi sobs. She says it’s not fair and she can’t hurt him and so she has to send him home. Cody says we don’t always get what we want.
Hey Cody, if you try sometimes, you just might find, you just might find, you get what you need! I’m full of songs tonight.
The rejection limo whisks Cody away. He asks for a protein shake. He tells the ABC psychologist this hurts more than when he didn’t win the 2009 Hunky Beef calendar contest. Love hurts, Cody.
At the rose ceremony Andi says goodbye to JJ and his pants. In the rejection limo JJ says he could picture Andi as the future “Mrs. Pants.”
Andi says she’s ready to get out of Italy. It’s such a dump and she’s over it. She’s hoping Brussels (and their sprouts) will be even better.
When the show is over we see a little blooper of the lie detector test. All the guys think the Italian mafia testers asked if they have ever “farted” in public. All the men laugh and admit that yes, there has been some flatulence in public. Turns out, the Godfathers asked if they ever FOUGHT in public. It was the funniest part of the episode. Oh gas jokes. You always make people laugh.