I see London, I see France, I see Andi’s underpants! Kidding. Sort of. Andi and her gang hit the high seas and sail their way to love in Marseille, France. Upon arrival, Andi puts on a short pleaded leather mini skirt. It reminds me of a mix between a trash bag and duct tape. So are they purple, are they pink? I don’t know but this show stinks! Again, kidding. Sort of.
The first date card arrives and the most un-French person ever gets the date: Josh. That guy just screams America. He strikes me as the total “God Bless America and no place else,” type of guy. The date card is in Francais, so I’m guessing it says something like this: “Dear Josh, I picked you for this date so we can make out all night and I can say “staaaaahhhhppppppp” as many times as I want. Love, Andi.”
But before Andi and Josh get to make out, Andi has a date with Chris Harrison and the ugliest turtleneck known to man. True to form, Chris asks Andi, “are you falling in love,” and we get a nice ol’ dose of “stahhhhhppp,” in reply. Andi admits she’s falling in love with more than one guy. No worries Andi, so am I. I fall in love with Patrick Swayze every single time I watch Dirty Dancing. Same goes for Ryan Gosling in the Notebook. See? No biggie.
Josh & Andi’s Date
Josh told Andi on night one that he did not want to be treated like the stereotypical athlete. There is so much more to Josh’s soul than sport stats, chasing women, illegal performance enhancement drugs, and concussions y’all. My head is in the game. I’m ready to treat you like the non-athlete you aren’t. Until you tell me this date is like a playoff game and marrying Andi is like the Superbowl. Come on, Josh. You can’t have it both ways.
Andi and Josh head to a sailboat. Unfortunately Josh decides to wear Andi’s pants on the date. Seriously, those are tight. Careful not to injure the family jewels, Josh. Apparently they work just fine for making out though since that’s pretty much all that happens on this date.
Snooze. Rose for Josh. Two kids from Atlanta. We are subjected to yet another – ANOTHER- concert. Andi urges Josh to listen to the words, which for some reason makes this whole thing feel even more awkward. I don’t want a private concert unless Rod Stewart shows up at my apartment to serenade me. I would probably pee my pants but it’d be worth it.
Group Date: Be Mime.
The date card didn’t say that (it was blank) so once again I took artistic liberties. Andi borrowed Chris Harrison’s turtleneck for the date. She takes a group of guys to mime in a town square. Awkwardness ensues. At the after party, all sorts of drama goes down. Nick acts like a cocky [insert bad word here]. He also took a page out of Josh’s book and borrowed a pair of Andi’s pants for the date. Nothing like tight white pants on a man. Nothing like it. Nick says he’s the front-runner. Am I missing something? What’s likable about Nick? Has anyone else noticed his snaggle tooth? Cody is about to snap Nick in half with his bicep.
Sweet Farmer boy tells Andi there’s some tension. Andi bullies him into telling her what’s going on. Andi manipulates the Farmer by telling him that she would expect her husband to tell her everything. News flash Andi – Chris is not your husband.
Cody tells Andi that Nick is mocking him. Apparently Cody thinks Andi is his Mother. “Mommy, Nick made fun of me and my bleached hair, and bulging muscles, and tight clothessssss.”
Andi decides it’s time to get to the bottom of this Nick drama. She tells Nick he’s “sallllllty,” and that he seems “salty on group dates.” For some reason the way she said “salty” was worse than hearing nails on a chalkboard. Until I hear Nick’s lisp. Ugh. Seriously, why is he here? Andi wants to know why everyone wants to punch Nick in the face so she uses the only manipulation tactic she knows, “if I were your wife, would you tell me?” Nick replies, “ok fine, fair enough.” I’m sorry, did I miss something? The proper response is YOU’RE NOT MY WIFE! Ahhhhh! Then Andi starts making out with him. Give. me. a. break. Or should I say, cue the groans?
Marcus, the resident Guard-and-Protect-Your-Heart guy is, of course, falling in love with Andi. Why wouldn’t he be? It’s only been like a hot minute. Instead of filing a restraining order, Andi embraces Marcus with a kiss.
The drama continues after Marquel hears that Patrick called him a racist name. Marquel handles the matter with dignity, class, and maturity. I really like him. Marquel for Bachelor! Andrew denies the allegations. Can we please vote Andrew off the island? #gohome.
JJ the pants dude gets the rose. Nick gets knocked down a peg.
Brian one on one date
Oh my god. It’s one of these dates- an ABC sponsored movie. Fast forward. After the movie, the two head to a market to shop for dinner. The plan is to go back to “Andi’s” apartment to cook dinner together. Because Andi’s lost all touch with reality, she believes this will be just like a movie: romantic and sexy. She obviously hasn’t cooked dinner with someone who doesn’t know how to cook. It’s disastrous. I once asked my ex-boyfriend to cut up a red pepper and he started to cry. Seriously. It was a “recipe” for disaster. I don’t want to put too much “stock” in the pepper incident, but I basically had to call it off after that. Mostly kidding. Mostly.
It’s a disaster for Brian and Andi too. Brian doesn’t know how to cook- unless a $1.00 Totino’s pizza counts. Andi’s disappointed that Brian isn’t romantic in the kitchen. Apparently Andi thought this would be just like the movie Chocolat, but instead it’s more like the documentary Supersize Me.
Dinner is unsalvageable so Brian and Andi head to a sidewalk to dine al fresco. If you ask me, that’s more romantic than raw frog legs. In Andi’s unrealistic eyes, Brian redeems himself by taking Andi to an empty kitchen to make out with her. He gets the rose.
At the rose ceremony, the guys are pleasantly surprised to see Elaine from Seinfeld:
Well actually, just her hair:
It was big. Really really big. It also reminds me of Elvira:
While Andi and her bouffant hair hand out the roses, I notice something else strange about this ceremony. She has a grimace on her face the entire time and she picks up each rose and holds them in front of her like she’s performing some sort of witchcraft ritual. She probably has a pot of witches brew simmering in back with the left-over frog legs. I blame the hair.
Going home are Marquel (boo), Andrew (yay!), and Andrew’s lover, Patrick. Patrick is totally dumbfounded when he leaves the show. Luckily for us, he gives us this gem, “I’ve heard from multiple people, not just girls, that I have qualities that are really paramount when it comes to being a husband.” Not just girls? If Andrew said you were husband material Patrick, then go with it! Pick him!
Next week, Andi heads to Venice. I’m bummed she’s hitting up my turf. I don’t want it spoiled with Bachelorette non-sense. Yes, that’s right. Italy is my turf. Is that so unrealistic? Until next time…