Connecticut. It took me like 20 years of my life to finally learn how to spell Connecticut. I really shouldn’t even admit that I couldn’t spell Connecticut since that’s where a lot of my family lives. At least I’ve got it down finally! Tonight, that skill comes in handy.
Andi’s journey to find true love takes her to, you guessed it, Connecticut. Connecticut is a gorgeous state, but doesn’t this all seem so… random? Farmer Chris says he’s always dreamed of traveling to Connecticut. Oh Farmer Chris. That’s cute. As the men settle into their swanky Connecticut hotel (actually, I think it’s a casino), the first date card arrives with Dylan’s name on it.
Who? Dylan is sort of shy with rugged good looks and he’s an accountant from Boston. He’s also the guy who cried to Farmer Chris about the death of this sister and brother. With a little less hair product, I think Dylan could be a model. As in a model citizen. Just kidding, I mean an actual model like in ads. Anyway, Andi has this AMAZING date planned. Kidding again! ABC plans a date and tells Andi where to show up. In this case, it’s on a steam engine train along the Connecticut River. Andi’s hoping the relationship picks up steam. I’m hoping I can write a blog post about this. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
When Andi and Dylan are “all aboard,” Andi acts completely disinterested in their conversation. Even when Dylan spills his emotional baggage all over the train cart. It was like this:
Dylan: I have something serious to tell you. My brother and sister both died of a drug overdose and it was really difficult on me.
Andi: Cool. Yeah, this is really pretty.
Dylan: No, I mean it was really hard. Both my sibling died. Like they are dead.
Andi: Yeah. Gazing out the window.
Me: This relationship has derailed.
I cringed. Seriously. Could she have acted any more disinterested? Have you ever heard of empathy? A simple, “I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine what you’ve been through?” Anything but YEAH.
After the train ride is over, the two of them head to dinner where nobody actually touches their food. How do they make it through this show with so little food and so much alcohol? Dylan tells his family story with more detail. Andi still says “yeah” a lot and makes her lips into duck shapes. They constantly look like a duck. Dylan starts to cry and Andi tells him “it’s ok.” Wait. It’s ok? I thought that phrase was BANNED by you Andi! Need I remind you of your “eeeeeet’s ok” freak out? Anyway, I like Dylan but I do not think he’s quite ready for a relationship and I don’t blame him. I just don’t see these two working out. Dylan gets the rose.
Group Date: Whose got game
The group date takes place in a basketball arena so Andi can see “whose got game.” Clever. Andi decided to wear the ugliest pair of wedge sneakers I’ve ever seen. Those need to join the trash along with JJ’s collection of hideous pants. Speaking of JJ, he wore a shirt that said “JJ” on it. I can only assume that decision was made so Andi would recognize young JJ and not JJ in 50 years.
Andi enlists the help of some WNBA players who demonstrate that they are, in fact, the only ones who “got game.” After the guys lose miserably against the women (girl power), the guys get divided into two teams. You know the drill. Only the winning team gets to hang with Andi after the game. After a riveting game of HORSE, the blue team wins. Actually there is no blue team. Team “Rosebuds” wins. If I were the captain, I would have picked “Team Andi” as the name. Granted, I wouldn’t be playing for this team if you know what I mean. Rosebuds include Basketball coach Brian, Eric, Cookie Monster Marquel, Nick, Social Media guy Andrew who moon lights as a hostess picker-upper, and the steroid guy Cody.
Andi pulls Eric aside first to talk. Andi tells Eric she wonders if their relationship is stalling. Eric also agrees that the relationship is not moving forward. I have some theories why: 1) Josh keeps sticking his tongue down Andi’s throat; 2) When Josh is finished there are 12 other guys waiting to do the same 3) Eric is an adventurer and Andi just ditched her career in hopes of becoming a D-list actress; 4) their astrological signs are incompatible. I’m guessing that’s the reason this isn’t working out. Eric does his best to mend the situation and opens up about his important relationship with his family and his difficult decision to leave his church. Andi feels like the air is clear. Eric… as we will find out, feels the air has a giant cloud hovering above their heads that’s about to burst and dump copious amounts of rain, hail and lightening on them. As I said, incompatible signs.
Brian gets some alone time with Andi and makes a half-court shot that’s nothing but the net. But then he loses all points when he fails to kiss Andi after his perfect shot. Brian spends the rest of the night beating himself up while Nick swoops in to make-out with Andi. But Brian’s kind heart still won him the rose. I like Brian. I’m on team Brian.
Second Group Date: Marcus: Dangle off this building while I freak the eff out even though you are petrified of heights too.
Andi takes Marcus to the top of their casino to repel 30 floors. As Andi and Marcus get suited up, gale force winds nearly blow Andi off the building. This seems safe. Both of them repeatedly use the word terrifying. You know what’s terrifying? What happens when they get to the bottom. I’m going to hear so many stupid Bachelor sanctioned words like “trust,” “conquer,” “together,” and “leap of faith.” That’s terrifying.
Marcus looks like he might throw up. He’s completely silent. Marcus “conquers” his fears first and takes the first “leap of faith” by stepping off the building first. As soon as that first step is done, his anxiety level seems to decrease. But Andi won’t budge. There’s no way she’s stepping off this ledge. The person running the adventure repelling company, Eric (joking), eventually pushes Andi’s feet off the building. He’s had enough of her hysterics. Of course there is a dangling kiss. Eventually the pair even repels past the other guys in their room. The guys accuse Marcus of looking tearful, to which Coach Brian yells, “repelling, there’s no crying in repelling!” “A League of Their Own,” anyone? They made it to the bottom and everything I was terrified about happened. Her fears were conquered. He got her off the ledge. Blah blah blah.
They go to dinner, he gets the rose. And because this date wasn’t over-played enough, there was a private concert. With some band I’ve never heard of. Moving on…
The Rose Ceremony Drama
Well, now we at least know why Andi’s still single! She’s crazy, y’all. Cray to the cray.
But before we get to that, Andi receives a letter from a secret admirer. Bets anyone? I’m going with Chris Harrison.
Moving on to the drama…
Unfortunately it happens with Eric. Knowing that Eric is tragically not with us, I felt really uncomfortable watching this exchange. It really did not need to be aired. But, I feel more than comfortable talking about how crazy Andi appears. Eric asks to talk to Andi and tells her that he feels like she isn’t acting like herself and acts a certain way when the cameras are present. He tells her it seems like sometimes she has on a poker face and he can’t read her. Andi acts like someone just told her momma’s ugly and so is she. She flips out.
In her tersest prosecutor voice, Andi tells Eric he has EVERY RIGHT to be honest and she respects his honesty but she is VERY taken aback. She is not a TV actress (she says with a flourish as the back of her hand strategically lands on her forehead as though she’s Scarlette O’Hara. She wishes!) Eric is happy to see emotion from Andi and tells her this is the real Andi he’s looking for. She starts to lose it more “you have NO IDEA what this takes. You have NO IDEA how exhausted I am. You have NO CLUE how it is to look at people in the face and send them home. You have NO IDEA.”
He tells her again that when the cameras are around there is a different side to her. She responds by saying so you’re continuing to call me fake. Then he says “acting” in a sentence, completely innocuously, and she went Juan Pablo style flip-out on him. Andi warns Eric that if he says “act” one more time she’s going to flip out. ACT ACT ACT ACT ACT ACT ACT ACT. Ok Andi, GO! At least I’ve got one thing figured out: Andi’s M.O. As soon as a guy upsets her she forbids them from speaking certain words. If you ever meet Andi and she tells you she’ll freak out if she hears you say [insert any innocuous word here], you know you’ve just crossed into crazy territory. Best put on your walkin’ shoes my friend. And with that Eric is sent home.
Andi’s crusade does not stop with Eric. She marches into the room where all the other guys were secretly eaves dropping on her conversation with Eric to tell them “this is NOT A JOKE to me. If any of Y’ALL think I have a poker face, you can say it right now and walk your ass out.”
Andi doesn’t stop there though. She keeps going, “Because it strikes such a nerve with me that someone can look me in the face and tell me I have a poker face with all of this when I have done nothing but try and be natural for y’all. Like this is not easy for me. [editorial: it must be really hard getting glammed up and traveling around the country, making out with random guys. That must be really hard.] I am ex-HAUST-ed. [editorial: take a nap Andi. And for the record, you’re exhausting.] I am SO exhausted . [editorial: y’all, she’s still tired.] And I am trying so hard [voice shaking]. I really am….blah blah blah… this is so real to me.”
ABC decides in light of Eric’s tragic death, it’s best not to show the rose ceremony. Instead, Chris sits down with Andi to talk about her relationship with Eric. I guess this is a PR move but I’m not buying any of it. Andi acted psycho and that’s that. She’s just so tired y’all.