I Touched My First Butt to “I Will Make Love to You.”

It’s week three at the mansion and Andi knows the only way she can be serious about finding a husband is if she takes this show on the road.  That would be true but for the fact that she’s taking these losers charmers on the road with her.

I’m not sure who Andi ticked off or if perhaps ABC has just run out of money on this show, but for some reason her extravagant travels take her to Santa Barbara.  Don’t get me wrong, that’s a lovely place, but when you consider the exotic places other seasons have traveled, Andi’s destinations leave something to be desired.  Just like this episode leaves something to be desired.

Andi checks in at the Econolodge Beachside in Santa Barbara, where the ABC producers needed to use a Groupon that was about to expire.  I know what you’re thinking, gift certificates can’t expire.  There is very clear case law on the subject.  Anyway, it’s not quite the Ritz Andi was expecting but at least she has some fun dates ahead of her.

Back at the mansion, the guys all sit around in their bro-tanks while Chris Harrison sports a supremely ugly khaki coat.  He tells the guys Andi likes what she sees.  Cody says he doesn’t want to be treated like a piece of meat.  Then he laughs hysterically; who is he kidding, he IS a piece of meat.

cody

photo credit: http://heavy.com/entertainment/2014/05/bachelorette-2014-contestants-cast-photos-pics-guys-winner-spoilers-bios/

First One on One Date: Nick, let’s ride off into the sunset

Andi wants to get to know Nick and she wants him to get to know her.  To make it easier to know her legs and general backside, Andi wears a pair of white shorts that she bought at the Limited Too.  Does that store still exist?  If not, just pick some other store that caters to children ages 10-14.  Those shorts looked terribly uncomfortable, especially compounded with a bike ride.  Advice for Andi: sometimes less isn’t more. Words to live by.

Andi and Nick cruise on their bikes, walk on the beach, hike some mountains and watch the sunset.  It’s almost like ABC read every single cliche personal ad to create this date.  I’m not complaining though because I like doing all those things.  In fact, I prefer it to almost 99% of all other dates that happen on this ridiculous show.

In other news, denim vests are back.  I wonder if I still have mine from 6th grade?  It was from the Gap.  Speaking of 6th grade, Andi and Nick both have crushes on each other.  They head to dinner where they talk about their past relationships.

Back at the house, Marcus is starting to freak out about not getting one-on-one date with Andi.  He’s better be careful before he becomes the new guard and protect your heart guy.

Nick tells Andi that he doesn’t believe in the idea that there is just one person for each person.  Nothing says romance like keeping your options open.  For some reason, Andi buys it though and Nick gets the rose.

Group Date

The boys are in for a big surprise in the form of Boyz to Men.  Sadly, the guys, all born after 1990, have absolutely no idea who Boyz to Men are, except for the cookie guy, Marquel.  He knows.  Brian, the basketball coach says Boyz to Men made him fall in love so many times in 7th and 8th grade.  Eric says he touched his first butt to “I’ll Make Love to You,” in the 7th grade.  I think they’ve both mistaken them for the Backstreet Boys. Andi introduces the group to “her friends,” Boyz to men.  Right.  You guys are about as good of friends as I am with Vincent Kartheiser after following him down the streets of Minneapolis.  True story.

vinnie

Proof!  My friend!  Anyway, the guys are going to be singing with Boyz to Men today.  Unfortunately ABC did not provide the viewing audience with earplugs.  The good news is we all have mute buttons on our TVs.  Use ’em, it’s necessary.  Even though Opera thinks he’s totally in his element, I seriously wore out my battery hitting the mute button every time I saw him on camera.  Atrocious.  Andi can’t sing either, y’all.

When the group is done ruining people’s ear drums, they head to the obligatory after party. Marcus knows it’s time to tell Andi he loves her before it’s too late.  Marcus kisses Andi and declares she’s the ONE.  Well don’t tell that to Nick, Marcus. The former baseball player, whose name I can never remember (apparently it’s Josh), continues to feign nervousness and Andi continues to fall for it.  Ugh.  He’s just plain bad news.  The date group rose goes to Josh.  Marcus needs to get back to the mansion immediately to stick a pin in his Josh voodoo doll.

Second One on One Date: JJ and his loud pants

I have to borrow a phrase from Andi and tell JJ’s pants to stop it.  Just stop.  Can you imagine what he’d wear when he’s the groom?  I’d rather not find out the answer to that question. As I theorized earlier, who in the world did Andi tick off?  This is the world’s WORST date.  I know I’ve said that before, but I MEAN IT.  And typing in capital letters lets you know just how serious I am.

Why would you want your first date with someone to include liver spots, wrinkled skin, balding, and ear hair?  Andi says the date is about seeing what it would be like to be with JJ 50 years from now.  No.  This is NOTHING like what it would be like.  First of all, you both won’t still be thin.  Second, you’ll have emotional baggage.  Third, you’ll probably hate each other, just a little bit.  Fourth, you definitely won’t both be THAT mobile.  I know I should cynical.  But this is dumb.  The two spend the entire date pretending to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.  It’s so stupid.  I can’t even handle it.

When they are done posing as the Greatest Generation, the two head to dinner.  On a couch.  If eating dinner on a couch is the Bachelorette standard, then my boyfriend and I are definitely living a “fairy tale.”  Other than JJ’s pants and this ridiculously lame date, I like him.  Rose for JJ.

At the rose ceremony, JJ confronts the social media guy Patrick who got another girl’s phone number.  A hostess to be accurate.  Patrick says he can’t help it if women are shoving their phone numbers down his throat.  #right.

Andi decides its time to send home the people whose bad hair still hasn’t been remedied.  That includes Brett (ironically a hairstylist) and Bradley (the opera singer), who cries harder than an audience member after the most tragic aria ever sang.

 

 

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