I bared my junk to 13 other guys

Now that the Little Dutch Boy and Fabio are out of the picture, it’s time for Andi to find her husband.  There are 19 men remaining and approximately -1 of them will become Andi’s future husband.  Judge Harrison comes in the morning after the first rose ceremony to check on remaining inmates contestants.  “ORDER, in the mansion,” yells Harrison.  Order is hard to establish.  Andi’s boyfriends have been consuming alcohol for at least 24 hours straight.  Chris asks how they are enjoying the mansion.  All the men excitedly respond that it’s awesome.  Who knew a bunch of grown men sharing bunk beds would produce such an enthusiastic response?  It’s either the booze talking or Andrew and Patrick confirming their love connection.

First One on One Date: Eric

It’s time for Andi’s very first one-on-one date.  She chooses Eric for the date.  In case you didn’t know, all snark and sarcasm aside, Eric tragically died a few weeks ago after a paragliding accident.  Eric is absolutely adorable and seemed to live an incredible life full of travel and adventure.

Andi takes Eric to the beach where they frolic (and Eric does an impressive back-flip).  A little while later, the ABC helicopter makes an unprecedented early entrance as it whisks Eric and Andi to the top of a snowy mountain.  Oh helicopters. Romance.  But not as romantic as…snowboarding.  Maybe it’s because I live in the coldest major city in the US but I seriously don’t want to leave the beach for snow.  No. Thanks. Pretty much nothing at all happens on this date. Andi just keeps saying over and over again that the date is epic. Epic?  I guess I thought that word was reserved for things that are truly epic (like once in a life time) and novels like “The Iliad” and “The Odyssey.”  But what do I know?  I’m just an attorney.  And so is Andi.  Andi’s other favorite word?  Stop.  That must be confusing to the person who is talking.  I’d be all like oh, should I keep going?  Should I stop?  You keep telling me to stop!  Eric gets the rose.  Stop.

Group Date: A Bunch Of People Whose Names I Can’t Remember 

The date card says “let’s bare our souls.”  Unfortunately, Marquel forgot to pay attention in the 4th grade and contemplates if that has anything to do with bears – of the black or brown variety. Those tricky tricky homophones.  Bear with it Marquel, homophones are a bear, even when you’re bare.

Andi takes the group to watch the Thunder from Down Under.  Or Magic Mike?  Or the Chippendales?  Either way, it’s a male revue and Andrew and Patrick can’t wait. Truthfully I don’t even know if they are on this date but I’m just going to pretend they are. The men will be “exposed” to the fine art of male erotic dancing.  I really ought to make erotic dancing part of my future husband screening process.  Good call Andi.

The men get divided into sexy cowboys, sexy firemen, sexy army men, and two solo acts.  Yeehaw. Last week, I jokingly said Cody kissed his biceps when he met Andi.  This week, Cody actually kissed his biceps. You can’t make this stuff up.  Why do I feel like Cody will be completely at home as a male erotic dancer?

To assist in the judging of the guys, Andi has enlisted Kellie the Dog Lover (woof) and Sharleen the organic opera singer from Juan Pablo’s season.  Why does ABC keep shoving Kellie the pot-stirring Dog Lover down my throat? The guys dance, and Cody lets a lady shove money in his mouth.  Hard to believe you had to leave Atlanta to find such husband worthy material!

When the show is over, ABC pumps alcohol straight into Craig’s veins.  In keeping with the theme of the night, Andi shows up to the after party looking like a high class escort.  I would remove “excellent judgment” from your resume pretty soon, Andi.

The opera singer gets Andi alone, drops to one knee and starts to serenade her.  Andi responds with an unenthusiastic “wow.”  I am so thankful nobody has ever gotten down on one knee and starting to sing opera to me.  I cannot handle that.  Please note, reading me poetry will also result in uncomfortable laughter.  Meanwhile, Poor drunk Craig is dying to talk to Andi.  When he gets the chance he asks her “what’s the worst part about your parents?”  Andi’s lawyering instincts kick in and she 1) pleads the Fifth and 2) motions to strike the question from the record.  Craig ends up jumping in the pool and prosecutor Andi is unwilling to issue Craig a get out of jail free card.

Marcus gets the group date rose.  I approve.  He’s adorbs.

Third Date: One on One with Chris the Farmer from Iowa

Andi takes Chris to the horse track.  Andi leaves her adult industry clothing behind and picks a sophisticated green dress for the track. Chris trades in his overalls for a pink shirt and a bow-tie.    Andi and Chris are supremely over-dressed.  This isn’t the Kentucky Derby, kids.  Most of the other horse-track goers are clad in the Wrangler’s Chris just shed.   As if this show couldn’t get any more fake, ABC plops Farmer Chris and Legal Andi next to a couple who, amazingly enough, have been together for 55 years.  Isn’t that convenient! ABC was able to find actors for this bit but couldn’t put a couple extras in Andi’s empty courtroom?  Andi says she needs to bet on the right horse. Chris says he needs to pee like a race horse.

I’m sort of partial to people from Iowa, having spent a great deal of my adult life in Nebraska (a stone’s-throw away from Iowa).  I sort of like soft-spoken, farmer Chris. Plus, I love cows. Rose for Chris.

Then ABC ruined my night.  A stupid private concert.  Why do they do this to me?  WHY!

At the after party, Nick from Wisconsin (shout-out to my home state!) says he wants to find a great love, Marquel wears a wild outfit and tries to flirt, someone does a sock puppet show (because that’s not weird at all) and Josh steals a kiss.  I’d say Josh wins that round boys.  Sock puppet dude, you lose. Drunk Craig sobers up and sings an apology song to Andi.  It went like this (out of tune) “Call it what you wanna call it, I’m an effin’ alcoholic.”  Wait, that’s an actual song.  His was worse.  It had the word “junk” in it.  As in the anatomy of a male. To quote:

I messed up last night.  I had too much firefly.  I bared my junk to 13 other guys.  But I hope and pray that it’s all right.  Oh Andi.  Please let me stay.

Oh Craig.  I sincerely hope that my future husband never has to sing me a song apologizing for showing his junk to 13 other guys. The end.

No rose for Craig.  No rose for the firefighter Carl (he’s an actual firefighter and a male dancing firefighter).  No rose for Nick the golf pro.  I have no clue who that is but I sure could use some golf lessons.

So, who do you think is leading the Andi pack?



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One thought on “I bared my junk to 13 other guys

  1. Chrissy says:

    I also like Chris so far!

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