It’s Like Anal, But With an M

This season on the Bachelorette: Nancy Drew!  No?  That’s not right?  Oh I’m sorry, based on the b-roll footage of Andi acting as a detective, I got confused.  I didn’t know Andi was a regular ol’ Encyclopedia Brown.  Because she’s NOT.  Come on ABC.  She’s a prosecutor!  Prosecutors don’t investigate their own cases.  Don’t even get me started about the empty courtroom.  Couldn’t they find at least one extra to sit at the opposing counsel table?

Andi is so excited to go on this journey to find love.  What a fantastic opportunity.  Without the Bachelor franchise she’d be an old spinster within a year.   In order to find love, Andi says she must leave behind a good profession.  Obviously.  Honey, you’ll never catch a man if you have a career!  It’s always hard to recap the first night.  There’s usually the token drunk guy, the guy who is promoting a music career, the guy who just got dumped, the guy whose Mother loves the show, and the guy who wishes Andi was Emily.  Like last season I’ve come up with some superlatives based on the biggest losers most memorable contestants!

Most Likely To Find a Boyfriend on the Show

And the winner is… JJ, the “pantsapreneur.”

pants

 

Most straight men can barely stand the idea of wearing pants that aren’t sweatpants, let alone designing wild pants.  I think JJ might be on this “love quest” for another man.  I wanted my boyfriend to wear blue shorts and you would have thought I suggested he put on a pair of those paisley pants JJ is sporting.  I’m just saying, those pants are reserved for total frat boys and/or men who love other men.  For the record, I’m all for men loving other men.  I’m less for frat boys.

Most Likely to Use Roids

Cody, obviously.

cody

To make his grand entrance, Cody pushes the limo up the driveway.  Something tells me Cody and JJ are not meant to be together.  Cody chugs a beer and crushes it with his bicep.  He also flexes, kisses his muscles and asks which way to the protein shakes?  Andi is thrilled she left behind her coveted job for this.  Cody wonders if Andi is willing to rub oil on his tanned body later when he poses in his weigh lifting shorts.

Most Likely to Live with his Mother

The doctor.

doc

The doctor tells Andi she’s hot.  Andi throws up a little in her mouth.  He diagnoses her with reflux. Actually can we get a doctor in here?  Because we have an emergency.  That hair is AWFUL.  Andi wonders if he uses Moroccan Oil to get that healthy shine.  I’m also not convinced he’s a doctor — I’ve seen his picture on paint cans:

dutch boy

photo source: http://davelandweb.com/tomorrowland/dutchboy.html

Most Likely to be a Freud Case Study

The award goes to Emil. This dude introduced himself as “like anal” but with an m.  To quote, “[y]ou want to know my name? It’s Emil.   ‘Anal’ with an M.” Is that a Freudian slip?  Or is that completely deliberate?  Are you anal retentive?  So many questions, so little time.  All I know is your parents never gave you a CHANCE, even if you did successfully complete the anal stage (chill out you pervs, that’s second phase of psychosexual development according to Freud).  Moving right along…

Most Likely to be a Criminal 

The guy who stole a lamp from his hotel.

lamp

Nothing says romance like 1) theft and 2) ugly lamps.  Not the “brightest” guy.  Andi is not impressed.  She plans to go all Sherlock Holmes on him later and get to the bottom of this.  You know, since she’s a detective.   Honestly, I don’t remember his name.  I’ll just call him lamp dude.  I said it before and I’ll say it again, Andi aren’t you glad you gave up your career prosecuting criminals so you can date them  instead?  Brilliant move!

Most Likely to be a Tresemme Model

Tresemme, Ooo la la!  This is clearly a tie between the Little Dutch Boy and this guy:

mikebach

That’s Mike the bartender from Utah. What’s up with the long-haired men this season?  Is that look in?  Try as you may Mike, but you’ll never be Clay Matthews:

clay

photo source: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/columns/story?page=hotread04/ClayMatthews

And you’ll also never be Fabio.

fabio-full-bike-shot-1994-web

photo source: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/columns/story?page=hotread04/ClayMatthews

Andi looks around and realizes that’s it. It starts to sink in that she gave up her prestigious job for an opportunity to date someone who probably uses more hair styling products than she does.  She decides it’s best to dumb it down the rest of the season and say “y’all” over and over again when all else fails.  I know she’s from the South, y’all, but that Southern accent seems a bit stronger than it was last season.  Don’t y’all agree?

Inside the mansion, Andrew, the social media guy, and Patrick, who I don’t remember, start to fall in love.  Good!  At least we’ll have one love connection this season!  They fawn over each others nice clothes and Patrick blushes and giggles.

Outside the mansion is Chris from Emily’s season, trying to break into the mansion to continue his five minutes of fame win Andi’s heart.  Chris Harrison clearly hates  his name-same Chris because he refuses to let him in and has him escorted off the property.  I can only assume Chris Harrison hates him because he touched Emily at one point.  We all know how much Chris Harrison loves Emily.  Duh, who doesn’t!  And while Chris might have been edited to look like a crazy person, that award goes to someone else:

Most Likely to have a Restraining Order Filed Against Them

Josh B. from Colorado!  You looked like a cute, normal person. And then you got rejected.  And the crazy came out.  Josh can barely hold back tears.  Anger starts to boil-over.  He says this is embarrassing and his friend made him sign up for this.  “I just embarrassed the BEEEEEEEEEP out of myself,” Josh tells the camera.  ABC realizes they need to get the psychologist to the rejection limo, STAT.  As if Josh hadn’t embarrassed the BEEP out of himself enough yet, he continues by saying he’s going to go call his parents and tell them this sucked.  Josh concludes with “this is stupid.”  Andi, are you sure you don’t want to reconsider this gem?

I’m hard-pressed to say I really liked anyone, y’all.  Anyone impress you?  Do you guys love running your fingers through the mane’s of your men?

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One thought on “It’s Like Anal, But With an M

  1. Hella Buzzed says:

    Watching the first show I couldnt seem to like any of the guys. The second week was a little better. I think there are already a few front runners but I dont know their names just yet. I got Nick V. in my Bachelorette pool and that fucker got the boot last night. Bye Bye $10. You should join it next season. I am in it with 100 Ladies….and I have never met any of them. I just started writing a weekly news letter that turned into a fun thing to do……Your recap is so much better but mine is more of ” what is going through Daves mind while I watch this mindless show”.

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