I want to die if I have to hear “it’s ok” again

Saint Lucia.  The last time the Bachelor stepped foot in Saint Lucia was when Jake Pavelka was the leading man.  Now, we’re back on the island and Juan Pablo is the leading man.  I think the Bachelor is sending us a message: the worst Bachelors EVER will always conclude in Saint Lucia. And their initials will be J.P.  So it’s off to Saint Lucia for the overnight dates filled with STDs drama like we’ve never seen before, promised to us by Chris Harrison.

Juan Pablo says he is thrilled that it’s overnights this week because there are no cameras and that means he’s free to use all three girls for sex privacy.

First Overnight Date: Clare 

Juan Pablo chooses Clare for his first overnight date because he knows she’s a sure thing.  He’d rather not have any surprises after 4 weeks of tortured celibacy (with the exception of the ocean transgression).

Clare says that if you told her a year ago she’d be standing in St. Lucia, with the man of her dreams, falling in love, she wouldn’t believe it.  I can only assume she means Chris Harrison. I refuse to believe there is a warm-blooded female in this world who would actually call Juan Pablo the man of her dreams.  I feel sad that the man of Clare’s dreams is about to have sex with two other people.  Juan Pablo takes Clare to a yacht to spend the day.  Seriously, are helicopter so 2010?  It’s all about the yacht.

Clare is grappling with whether she should spend the night with Juan Pablo because she doesn’t want genital herpes to set a bad example for Cameeeeeeela.

In case you didn’t hear Juan Pablo the first 50 times, he explains the fantasy suite is totally private– no cameras– an “opportunity to get to know each other better.  A LOT better.”  He might as well have winked.  We get it Juan Pablo; you are going take Clare back to the nightmare fantasy suite and repeat your ocean performance on dry land.  

The fantasy suite card arrives with the usual invitation from Chris Harrison to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.  JP is practically drooling.  He needs his privacy! Clare is not so sure.  She brings up Vietnam.  She doesn’t want to set a bad example for Cameeeela. Juan Pablo says he doesn’t give a rat’s you know what about Cameeeela because it’s fantasy suite night and gosh darn it, he’s going to USE the fantasy suite.

That leads me to things less disgusting than the fantasy suite:

  • Errant hairs on your hotel sheets
  • The smell of vomit
  • Eating a hair in your restaurant soup
  • Drinking spoiled milk
  • Pee on toilet seats
  • Seeing a nail clipping on the floor
  • Boils.  Like ones coming out of people’s faces.
  • Sharts

Clare is, “just like loving, falling in love with [Juan Pablo].”

Sloppy Second Fantasy Suite Date: Andi 

Andi and Juan Pablo go shopping downtown Saint Lucia.  It was the same date we’ve seen 27 times before on every tropical island.

When Juan Pablo is done pretending to care about the little local kids, he takes Andi in a land buggy to a secluded area next to a waterfall.  Andi is officially the waterfall chick.  Andi asks Juan Pablo what he talked to her family about during the hometown date.  I officially hate Juan Pablo.  His voice gets high pitched and defensive when he talks about Andi’s dad. I want to punch him in the face.  Apparently Juan Pablo’s insanely annoying attitude and voice do not bother Andi.  She’s more than happy to make out with him under the waterfall.

Andi and Juan Pablo chit chat and I get bored.  Turns out Juan Pablo talking is just as boring Juan Pablo not talking.  Andi agrees to the fantasy suite.

In the morning, Juan Pablo said the fantasy suite was good — in fact, he didn’t know it was going to be THAT good.  Andi tells the camera, “waking up, I couldn’t wait to get out of the fantasy suite.”  I can only assume she needed to see a gynecologist ASAP.  She says, “the fantasy suite turned into a nightmare.”  She said the whole night was a disaster.  She saw a side to him she did not like.  Like his naked side?  Yikes.  Andi realizes that he doesn’t care about who she was, what she thinks and what she wants.  Ummm hello! Obviously he doesn’t care about you, or ANY of you!  Andi’s also mad that he talked about Clare’s overnight date and his lack of filter.  She finds Juan Pablo offensive.

I get it Andi.  So do same-sex, committed couples.  I wish Clare would also get it.  He’s offensive.  Period.

Third Fantasy Suite Date: Nikki

I can only assume Nurse Nikki has to go third because all the producers think she’s an awful person. Payback time.  Nurse Nikki wants Juan Pablo to know up front she knows what the fantasy suite is all about and she’s on board.  To drive home the message, Nurse Nikki decides wearing a shirt is not necessary on her date.  And wearing really hideous pants will also send a message: poor judgment.

nikki-hp

photo source: http://grantland.com/hollywood-prospectus/grtfl-bachelor-real-world-survivor-juan-pablo-andi-cliff-robinson/

I can only assume Nurse Nikki smoked something before she picked out that outfit.  They go horseback riding and Juan Pablo calls her sexy two times in Spanish.  Juan Pablo says more times than he used Cameeeeeela as an excuse that he can’t WAIT for tonight.

Nurse Nikki and Juan Pablo head to the fantasy suite.  Enough said.

Andi’s Boots Were Made For Walkin’

Andi listens to Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots Are Made for Walkin'” on repeat until she feels just angry enough to confront Juan Pablo.

Here’s how the conversation went down:

  • Andi:  I realized I wasn’t in love with you and that I wasn’t going to be and this isn’t going to work.
  • Juan Pablo:  That’s ok. Eeeeet’s ok.
  • Andi: It shouldn’t just be OK.  I left behind all this stuff and I put myself out there.  It’s not ok.  You saying it’s ok bothers me.
  • Juan Pablo:  I cannot force you to feel something for me.
  • Andi: You saying “it’s ok” seems like you don’t care.
  • Juan Pablo: English is my second language.  And I have a daughter.  Her name is Cameeela.
  • Andi: You don’t even know who I am.  I want to die if I have to hear “it’s ok” again.  I want you to feel something.
  • Juan Pablo: Eeet’s ok.
  • Andi:  Do you think the fantasy suite date night went well?  Because you gave me a really weird rash.
  • Juan Pablo:  I told you I got that from Clare.
  • Andi: I don’t want you to talk about Clare during my overnight.
  • Juan Pablo: Eeeeet’s fine.
  • Andi: There is a difference between being honest and being an asshole.  You told me I was here by default.
  • Juan Pablo: I don’t know what default means. I don’t speak English.
  • Andi:  Do you have any idea what religion I practice, what my political views are?  Do you have any idea?
  • Juan Pablo: I have no idea.  But I know your bra cup size and that’s what really matters.

Whether you are on team Andi or team Juan Pablo, I don’t care.  All I know is Juan Pablo is the worst Bachelor ever.  Juan Pablo says he’s not going to argue with a lawyer.  Since I’m one, I assume he’ll just agree with my statement. But, eeeeeet’s ok.

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