It’s Friday night and I’m blogging and babysitting. Now THAT is a raucous Friday night! On average, how many IQ points do you think you lost watching a cumulative FOUR HOURS worth of Juan Pablo this week? Well, in the words of Juan Pablo, eeeeeets ooookay. We’re in this together.
With 20 less IQ points than I had last week, I bring you this two-part update. Eeeeeets ok, let’s just get started.
It’s hometown dates. I practically salivated imagining the dysfunctional families we were about to meet. Would there be another family with a basement full of dead animals? Perhaps another memorial service for a dead dove in the backyard? Or how about someone with some sense? Maybe someone who sees Juan Pablo for what he is? A scumbag? Let’s find out. Eeeeets ok.
Nurse Nikki’s Kansas City Hometown Date
Nurse Nikki is so ex-sigh-ted to have Juan Pablo in her home town of KC. She suddenly developed a Southern accent upon here return from “literally” traveling around the world. Thanks for clearing that up for me Nikki. All night long I would have though you traveled all over the world, figuratively. On a side note, could you EVER imagine Juan Pablo living in KC? It’s pretty much the anti-Miami. But sure, whatever.
I don’t understand why Nikki is acting like she lives in Texas, but again, sure whatever. She wants a cowboy (again, Juan Pablo, a cowboy? He’s the anti-cowboy). She takes Juan Pablo to Oklahoma Joe’s BBQ. I like Nurse Nikki only for a fleeting second because I have eaten there and it is delish. When I’m done drooling, I’m back to hating Nikki. Sadly, Juan Pablo is the most animated I’ve ever seen him over the BBQ sauce. Then they ride a mechanical bull. Again, Nikki, you live in KC – not Texas. Ugh. This is so stupid. I really should have named my blog that instead, “Ugh. This is so stupid.”
Just when I feel like I’ve had all I can handle in the first 7 minutes of this show, it’s time to meet Nikki’s family. Her dad puts the finishing touches on Nikki’s prenup and makes sure Nikki’s trust fund has provisions prohibiting anyone named Juan Pablo to ever have access to that money. In the words of Kanye…I ain’t sayin’ he’s a gold digger. (I’m actually just saying he’s a fame digger).
Back at Nikki’s mansh, JP meets Nikki’s butler, au pair, dad, mom, the family lawyer named Stanley, and the chauffeur. Nikki’s dad made sure his hair was parted as far to the side as possible. He doesn’t want Juan Pablo to have any confusion – it’s the republican side-part hairstyle. (PS, I found this amazing article about presidential hair parting from the New York Times in 1904!) If you are a Republican and I’ve just insulted you, I’m sorry. But that hair was REALLY something. After I got over Nikki’s dad’s televangelist hair, I realized she was complaining about riding in coach to Asia.
Poor oppressed Nikki! Coach?! How could ABC subject you to such unthinkable horrors? I hope the next time they pay to “literally” fly you around the world, on their dime, they really consider not making you ride in the third class of Titanic. Or at least I hope they let you bring your au pair along.
The rest of the hometown is a snooze. Nikki is, like, BEST FRIENDS, with her mom. And she is definitely in love with Juan Pablo. Is Nikki’s dad legitimately a televangelist? He reminds me of one. His voice seems like it could garner a following. Her dad basically says don’t propose to my kid. One point for dad. Dad presses Nikki on why Juan Pablo is the one. Nikki says she can’t really articulate it, but she KNOWS it’s right. Sure it is honey, sure it is. It’s as right as that side part. Nurse Nikki says she is ready to be a step-mother because she agreed to double her au pair’s salary in Miami.
Atlanta Andi’s Hometown Date
Again, I don’t know why all these girls think they are in Texas, but Andi takes Juan Pablo to a shooting range. That is really annoying to me. You bring someone to your hometown and you do something (stupid) that you can do anywhere in the country? That’s what Atlanta has to offer? Thanks, but no thanks.
If Juan Pablo came to my hometown, named the Gayest City in America, I’d make sure he witnessed a same-sex marriage. I know how much he likes and respects same-sex couples.
Anyway, back to Atlanta Andi. Andi’s dad is unimpressed that Juan Pablo has spent a cumulative 97 minutes alone with Andi since this journey began. That’s right folks, Andi has only had ONE date alone with this
creep fantastic catch that ABC is shoving down our throats. Andi’s dad sneaks into the kitchen to double up on his blood pressure medication. He also practices some deep breathing exercises to prevent himself from punching Juan Pablo in the face.
When Andi’s dad cools down, he sits down with Juan Pablo and tells him the most sane thing I’ve EVER heard on this show. He will not give Juan Pablo his blessing to marry his daughter “because the person who that is going to be good enough for [his] daughter is going to come to [him] and say there is no one else in the world.” He follows it with, if that happens with you, we’ll have that discussion at a later time. Andi’s dad knows Juan Pablo will never be around for that discussion. Juan Pablo knows he’ll never be a “no one else in the world,” kind of guy. He’s more of a “25 women at once,” kind of guy.
Andi’s sister says she doesn’t see it. Andi cries. I think they are drunk tears. But her family’s blatant disgust with Juan Pablo won’t bring her down. She says she is CLOSE to being in love with Juan Pablo. My favorite part of the hometown date was the family debriefing. It reminded me of my family. We love a good debrief.
Counselor Renee’s Sarasota Hometown Date
Renee’s son is the cutest, sweetest thing about this show. I expected nothing less though seeing as Renee is the nicest Bachelor contestant ever. And that’s the hometown date in a nutshell!
Oh and Renee has a really cute brother. Renee’s mom tells her “we can love our pets, but we need to be in love.” I love my cat. But a cat does not a husband make! Try telling my sister that when she was 10. Moving on.
Clare’s California Hometown Date
I know some people think Clare is crazy (namely Nikki) but I just don’t agree. Laura’s crazy. Juan Pablo gets to meet Clare’s five older sisters and Clare’s momma (sorta).
There are two memorable things about this hometown date. First, the Clare clan calls their deceased father, daddy. Over and over again. There is something really weird about grownups calling their parents mommy and daddy. The only time I call my dad “daddy” is to annoy him. Second, Laura doesn’t allow “momma” to talk to Clare. Clare tells Laura MOMMA is allowed to speak for herself. When the two of them go back and forth, with momma sitting mutely in the middle, I start to wonder if momma really CAN speak for herself? Can she speak? Or does she not speak English? Momma done say NOTHIN’ during this sister spat. Laura says Clare is manipulating momma. Momma stays silent. Why doesn’t MOMMA regulate this fight?! Come on Momma!
Eventually Momma chats, in Spanish, with Juan Pablo. I guess she is capable of talking. Just not with Laura and Clare. That evil manipulator. How dare she ask her Momma for her opinion!
We all know what’s coming. Three things. Short, tight dresses that originally belonged to cross-dressing street walkers, Renee’s elimination and Renee’s enduring class, graciousness and dignity. She’s clearly way too nice for this show. All we care about are the Nikki’s, Courtney’s and Teirra’s of this world.
What we didn’t see coming was a pigeon dropping a sandwich on Renee’s head. I’ll be back soon with the MOST DRAMATIC OVERNIGHT DATES EVER! Chris Harrison you liar.