This morning I woke up at a crossroads. It was 7:30 AM. I popped out of bed and started to get ready to head to the gym. I could run 6 miles and lift weights all before 9:30 hot vinyassa yoga. Then I remembered it was -59 degrees for the 189th day straight (technically, it’s 7 degrees but still) and the roads were covered in ice. I got back into bed, determined that I was in fact already doing “shavasana” and called it good. Sorry health, you lose today.
The alternative instead is writing this post and eating girl scout cookies. Thin Mints to be exact. None of those 90 lb broads still on the Bachelor would have skipped the gym and opted for 450 calories worth of cookies instead. If they made poor decisions like me, there is no way they could fit into those cocktail dresses that I can only assume were bought from Miami’s finest hookers. Those dresses make actual prostitutes look chaste.
On a side note, the Proclaimer’s “I’m gonna be (500 Miles)” just played on my computer, so naturally I started dancing in my chair. That’s exercise, right? Anyone who doesn’t dance to that song is dead inside. Anyway, back to Miami.
Juan Pablo and his gaggle had to Miami. International travel is so yesterday. Renee wants to know if she can just stay at her own house instead of a hotel. ABC tells her unfortunately she needs to be available 24-7 to counsel/ babysit the kids Juan Pablo is trying to marry.
First One on One: Sharleen, Come SEA my City
Juan Pablo personally delivers the date card to Sharleen. Sharleen is disappointed she has to go on a date with Juan Pablo. She was hoping for a one-on-one with Andi instead. Sharleen and her side braid head out on
Juan Pablo’s ABC’s rental yacht. The duo lays down on the front of the yacht, where they remain horizontal the next 30 minutes. They have nothing to say to each other so they just make out. Occasionally Sharleen tells JP he’s trouble.
Then they make out more. Sharleen tells the camera Juan Pablo is not her type. Because her type is typically not male, which is totally fine with me but less fine with Juan Pablo. We watch them make out more. For some reason ABC zooms in so close I can see food stuck in their teeth. Ugh. I do not need to watch this.
Sharleen is worried that she cannot have a conversation with him and can only make out with him. Sharleen says “I wish I was a little dumber.” Not to be rude Sharleen, but you don’t exactly strike me as a rocket scientist. That’s one of my sisters. Boo ya.
Sharleen is SO happy to be done with the date. She finds Renee for some counseling. She tells Renee she’s not sure she should stay on the show any longer. Renee realizes she needs to increase her hourly wage.
Second One on One: Nikki
Nikki decides for her date it’s best to wear her silky summer robe with a pair of her 12 year old sister’s jean shorts. The girls all adhere to ABC sorority rule number 17, “shorter is always better.” Let me know if you’d like a complete list of the ABC sorority rules.
Juan Pablo is taking Nikki to Cameeeeela’s dance recital. Nikki is really excited but wishes that she wouldn’t have to interact with the kid. She’s a little excited to size up Cameeeeela’s mommy though. Until she realizes Cameeeeela’s mommy is a model. And has on appropriately sized clothes. Nikki curses the fact that her butt checks hang out below her shorts.
At the dance recital, Nikki meets Juan Pablo’s parents, Cameeela and Carla. ABC keeps the camera on Carla the entire recital. Nikki is worried about leaving a sweaty butt mark on her seat. Don’t worry Nikki, I’ve been there. You’ll really enjoy the nickname “swassy” the rest of your life.
When the recital is over, Nikki’s heart rate returns to normal and she changes into a black mini skirt made of fringe and puts two pieces of white material over her boobs and calls it a shirt. JP takes Nikki to Marlin’s Stadium, where he works. They throw around a baseball as I hold my breath just waiting for the moment when her boob flies out. When it never does I can only assume she used some powerful double-sided tape. Eventually they move to a blanket on the field. Nikki seizes the opportunity to ask Juan Pablo WTF is up with his relationship with Carla? He replies something about the moon and the sky. Then they make out. Nikki says she’s in love with Juan Pablo. Juan Pablo is in love with Carla.
Sharleen decides it’s time for her to go home. She says she’s “super conflicted and [has] been for a while.” She tells the girls she is going to leave. The girls use all their restraint to stop themselves from hootin’ and hollerin’ and cheering that there is one less girl. Sharleen goes to JP’s room to break the bad news to him.
For some reason Sharleen whispers all of her thoughts to Juan Pablo. I don’t know why she’s whispering. Is there another girl in there? She whispers to Juan Pablo that she doesn’t think she can get to the place she needs to be for an engagement. News flash Sharleen, nobody should get to a place where they are ready for an engagement after four weeks. Especially when your betrothed was dating 25 other people along the way. Sharleen starts to cry. Juan Pablo literally wipes the snot from her nose. Jesus. Nobody should ever wipe your snot if you are older than 5, or if you are physically incapable of doing it yourself. Juan Pablo tells Sharleen, “you’re different. In a good way.” Sharleen tells Juan Pablo, he’s different too but not in a good way.
Per Sharleen’s request, ABC starts to play John Denver’s song, get your tongue out of my mouth because I’m kissing you goodbye:
It’s over now, you’ve gone too far I can’t take anymore
Be careful now, don’t hurt yourself when you walk through the door
I can hardly stand to look at you it makes me want to cry
Get your tongue out of my mouth because I’m kissing you goodbye
Bye bye, goodbye!
Group Date: Andi, Clare, Chelsie, Renee
The girls hop on a sea plane. You know what’s noticeably absent this season? Helicopters! How can they fall in love without helicopter rides? There is a rose at stake on the date, which means the rose recipient
is forced gets to take Juan Pablo home to meet her family. The rose lady also gets to continue the date alone with Juan Pablo.
Andi acts insecure again and tells Juan Pablo to “get ready for a breakdown.” How romantic. Has anyone else noticed that every single week Andi and Juan Pablo have the same conversation over and over again? She says she’s worried, he says it will be ok and then she is instantly cheered up. Same story, different outfit.
Clare tells Juan Pablo about the video her dad made for her future husband before her dad died. ABC’s way of foreshadowing their exploitation of the video next week. Ugh. ABC, how low can you go?
Per usual, the one who acts the most insecure gets the rose. Rose for Andi. Andi and Juan Pablo go dancing. Well, Juan Pablo dances and Andi stands there stiffer than a board.
The rejects head back to the house. Clare is disappointed that she has to spend another night at the hotel with Nikki. She says “I want to hang out with Nikki as much as I want to get stung by a jelly fish.” Clare and Nikki get into a fight about absolutely nothing. Clare says “Nikki always gets away with just being a BITCH” (emphasis added) and she’s not going to let her get away with it this time. It went down like this:
- Clare: Nikki, what the heck just happened downstairs?
- Nikki: I mean, I don’t like. I don’t like want to like sit around. And like. You talk shit.
- Clare: Who talked shit?
- Nikki: DON’T INTERRUPT ME.
- Clare: Nobody talked shit.
- Nikki: I didn’t want to be in the conversation.
- Clare: Don’t cut me off.
- Nikki: I have nothing to say to you. I don’t like you. We are never going to be friends. You can just excuse yourself from my room.
- Clare: I can excuse myself? This is all of our suite.
- Nikki: Oh really, did you sleep here?
- Clare: Did you pay for this room?
- Nikki: Did you SLEEP HERE?
- Clare: Did you PAY FOR THIS ROOM?
It reminded of a fight 11 year old sisters would have but with more swearing. I guess that makes sense given that they all shop in the kids section for their shorty-shorts and dresses. Nikki calls Clare fu*king crazy. Let me set the record straight Nikki, ya BOTH crazy.
At the rose ceremony, the girls followed sorority rule number 17 (already mentioned) and 43, which is “if you’re worried you might get cut, make sure you dress up like a slut.” Alright, I hate that word but I wanted to make a rhyme. I like the word “ho” better. Please see rule 30, “if you want him for your beau, always dress up like a ho.” I’ve never seen such little dresses. They make Julia Roberts dressed as a prostitute in Pretty Woman look classy. Did ABC dress them like this? It’s ridiculous. I have crop-top t-shirts longer than those dresses.
Chelsie gets sent home. That leaves Renee as the only sane person left in that house.