I plan for her a very aaaa-ven-tur-ahhs dateeee

Cynicism.  I’ve got it.  When Conan took over for Jay Leno and was subsequently booted so cry baby Jay could have his job back (BOO) I watched earnestly as Conan said goodbye with total grace and dignity to his dream job he held for a only a few short months .  In his goodbye, Conan said something that has stuck with me and always will.  Here’s the clip:

It’s excellent life advice.  But lately I just can’t help but feel cynical watching this nightmare of a show week after week.  Is it Juan Pablo?  Is it the girls?  Is it everything?  Is it the over the top dates?  Maybe it’s all of the above.  But this show has gotten so off course from where it started and Juan Pablo is the furthest thing from wanting a wife.  Obviously I can’t follow Conan’s advice and write this blog.  This whole blog is based on cynicism.  I really hope that if I get to meet Conan some day he never knows about this blog.  So with a little dose of cynicism, here I go…

Juan Pablo and his gaggle of girls head to New Zealand for some make out time. Juan Pablo says New Zealand is the perfect place to find love and fall in love.  Right.

First Date: Andi, Let’s Heat Things Up

Juan Pablo says Aaandeee has it going on and he “plan for her a very aaa-ven-tur-ahhs date.”  Yes, you read that correct.  1)  Juan Pablo can’t say planned and 2) Juan Pablo believes he “plan” the date.  I’m sure.  I’m as sure as that as I am that I’m about to be struck with a lightening bolt. Listen guys, Conan didn’t say squat about sarcasm.

Juan Pablo takes Andi on a speed boat ride in the middle of the New Zealand winter.  It reminds me of our annual Memorial Day boat riding that my family and I take.  It’s usually around 40 degrees and sometimes there’s still ice on the water.  We have to wear scarfs and blankets when we go over 40 mph.  It’s super fun! Luckily at the end of our boat rides nobody tells me I have to get in the water.  No such luck for Andi.  She puts on a brave face and hops into the foreign, murky, freezing cold water.  Oh the things you do for fame love.  Juan Pablo guides Andi through some narrow cannons.  And I mean narrow.  JP’s giant ego could barely fit between those rocks. Clare obviously wasn’t asked to participate in this date because her boobs would have never been able to squeeze through some of those really tight spots.  At times I couldn’t remember if I was watching the Bachelor or watching the 20/20 episode about the man who got trapped rock climbing and had to cut off his own arm.

Please Andi, don’t have an anxiety attack.  ABC you stink. Juan Pablo says Andi need to trust him.  No she doesn’t.  Once again, this is not how you build trust.  Eventually the path opens up and Juan Pablo and Andi are immersed in a hot spring.  Juan Pablo stops and frisks Andi and she does not object even without a reasonable articulation of illegal activity.  No sir, Andi consents to this frisk.  Hell, she’d even consent to a search.  They aggressively make out under a waterfall and JP forgets all about his daughter and setting a “good example.”  Raise your hands for hypocrisy!

After the date, Juan Pablo takes Andi to dinner in front of a geyser.  Thanks to Big Pharma all I can think of is erectile dysfunction commercials.  Maybe JP is sending some sort of subliminal message.  The geyser turbulently ejects water, spraying Andi and Juan Pablo.  Andi pouts that the geyser has ruined her date.  Actually, Juan Pablo ruined your date.  Because you’re on a date with Juan Pablo.

I meant to bring this up earlier but I noticed Andi’s other favorite catch-phrase besides “honestly” is “at the end of the day.”  I feel like that phrase is totally bull.  At the end of the day all that matters is blah blah blah.  Well that’s sort of true but I don’t want the rest of my day to totally suck.  But alas, at the end of the day, Rose for Andi.  Honestly.

Group Date: Come Play With My Balls

Nobody should ever be allowed to come on this show and utter the following words, “today is my 22nd birthday!”  22 years old!  I have underwear that’s older than 22 years old.  Seriously, I probably need some new undies that don’t have holes or snowmen on them.  Anyway, in case you don’t hear Cassandra tell you 57 times, today IS her 22nd birthday.  And because she’s 22 years old, she’s dropping the Pablo from Juan’s name.  He’s just Juan now.

The girls slip into tiny swimsuits that actually used to belong to their American Girl Dolls.  Waiting for them are giant balls, with a slipe-n-slide entrance and some water inside.  The balls roll down a hill and Juan Pablo generously offers to make out with them each individually as they slide down the hill.  What a stand up guy!  If Juan Pablo wasn’t there ruining the ball experience, I would definitely want to  try that.


photo source: Wikipedia

After they are done playing with Juan Pablo’s big balls, the group heads to a cocktail party.  Juan Pablo continues his make-out quest.  In order, he makes out with Renee, Nikki, Sharleen, and pretty much everyone else except Kat and Cassandra.

Sharleen continues to act weird and unsure of her feeling for the Bachelor.  She is fairly certain she would have stronger feelings for the Bachelorette.

Cassandra realizes now that she’s 22 years old she’s ready to take “Juan” home to be Tray’s new daddy.  She feels like the luckiest girl alive for meeting Juan.  Then Juan tells her he has a special birthday present and it’s a ride in the rejection limo!  And a plane ticket home.

Sharleen gets the date rose, reluctantly accepts it and curses the fact that she didn’t get to participate on Emily’s season.

ABC decides to play the most horrific, unconscionable music during Cassandra’s birthday rejection limo ride.  What is up with the sporadic and always horrendous music selections this season?

Second One on One Date: Let’s Make Out But Just Not In the Ocean Because That’s Crossing the Line

Clare gets the second one on one date.  She needs an apology from Juan Pablo after he slut-shamed her.  Amazingly enough, there is an entire Wikipedia page dedicated to slut-shaming!  Who knew.  Also, if I ever dated someone who “slut-shamed” me, don’t worry buddy, no apology necessary.  You’ll never see me again.  I wish Clare could say the same…

Here’s what transpired:

  • JP: I was worried because you felt horrible for being such a whore.  But now you’ve learned from me.
  • Clare: I appreciate that.  I was just in the moment.
  • JP: You will learn these things when you have children.  I couldn’t say no because I would devastate you.
  • Clare: So what are our boundaries?
  • JP: I don’t want to ever let you meet Cameeeeeeeeeela.
  • Clare:  But what did we do that was inappropriate?
  • JP: You made me go in the ocean at 4 AM.  This is all your fault.Break in conversation while JP and Clare make-out.  

Clare is so happy they talked things through and Juan Pablo apologized.

Raise your hand if you’re completely confused.  (Hand raised).  Where was the apology?  Why is it inappropriate to make out in the ocean but not make out with 100 girls in a row on dry land?  Why wasn’t it inappropriate to make out in a hot tub/ pool?  Oh I guess it’s because you didn’t just make out in the ocean–you had s-e-x.  Also, Juan Pablo’s rules only apply when they are convenient for him, like using his daughter to reject people.  Is anyone else wondering why Juan Pablo’s 4 year old daughter would ever be allowed to watch this show?

He is such an outstanding parent.

Clare gets a rose. Juan Pablo makes out with her some more but he’s making sure to be a good example for Cameeeeeela by making out with her in a living room, instead of an ocean.

Rose Ceremony 

Nikki and  Juan Pablo have a conversation in which they say absolutely nothing.  She makes sure to maintain her trend of wearing dresses too small and too short.  This time she adds an 80’s twist with some sheer black nylons and an off the shoulder red dress.  Renee proceeds to prove she’s the only stable person in the house.  Kat spills her secrets about her troubled childhood.  Sharleen cries thinking about which girl will leave tonight.

Juan Pablo decides Kat’s gotta go because let’s face it, he hasn’t made out with her yet.  Kat leaves.  Sharleen bawls.

Next week the crew heads to Miami.  Renee, the only person who has heard of Miami by Will Smith starts to rap, “Party in the city where the heat is on, all night on the beach till the break of dawn, welcome to Miami (bienvenido a miami).”  In case you’re wondering, that song came out in 1998.  Ah 8th grade, good times!

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