Tonight on the Bachelor…
It’s infinity scarf week in Vietnam for the remaining 11 women. As Allie explains, “it’s really setting the scene for a good love story.” Little did she know the love story was about Juan Pablo and Clare. Sidebar: Allie is the girl who plays soccer and is from Chicago but looks like Andi, who is the soon to be unemployed DA from Georgia, who looks like Allie. Got that? Good.
First Date: Renee, Are We the Right Fit
It’s the pretty woman date, Vietnam style. The pretty woman date is notoriously the kiss of death on this show. Here’s hoping it’s not Renee’s kiss of death (even though she’s dying for a kiss of any type). Juan Pablo pedals her around on a bike in some Vietnamese town.
Have any of you been on one of those pedi-cab things? When I was young and cute (a prime Bachelor candidate but for that one pesky trait I just can’t seem to shake…good judgment) my sister and I were in Savannah, Georgia when a pedi-cabbie insisted on giving us a ride. Even though we said no 15 times, we still ended up on that dumb thing.
He pedals her to a dress shop for a custom made dress. For only $0.05, Renee gets a traditional Vietnamese dress in 5 minutes. Ahh child labor. Renee sweats profusely during the fitting because 1) it’s awkward, 2) it’s 107 degrees there, 3) she doesn’t love the idea of violating human rights but doesn’t want to offend Juan Pablo. I mean, if he’s so anti same-sex couples, who says he’s not anti child labor? What was the word he used? Oh I remember… pervert. After the dress fitting, the Brady Bunch buy presents for their kids while Renee wills JP to kiss her.
Juan Pablo and the only person he hasn’t kissed yet head to dinner. Renee is just such a sweet heart, I have nothing but lovely thoughts about her. She needs to run away from him.
Meanwhile, back at the house, the second date card arrives. With the second date card, we find out that this week’s petulant child of the week is Andi! She cannot believe she has to go on yet again another group date.
Juan Pablo asks Renee, “Rennaayyyy, will you ass-epp this rose?” She ass-epps. Then he takes her to one of these “make a wish” locations that seemingly every country has and naturally she wishes for a kiss. It was a wasted wish though because JP decided there would be no kiss on this date. Boo Renee, next time you need to wish for something better than germs from Juan Pablo and the 6 other girls he’s swapped saliva with. Like winning the lottery. The only “make a wish” activities I’ve done is breaking the wish-bone from some sort of bird carcass. Nothing says romance like chicken bones.
Group Date: Juan Pablo, Clare, and some other girls he has to pretend to be into
The girls opt to leave their infinity scarves at home and instead wear their pre-teen sisters’ jean shorts. The girls will be boating down a river in a traditional Vietnamese boat. JP instructs them to pair off. Clare-bear is left standing alone. Dog-lover tells us this is because she has no friends. But friends does not a lover make, and Clare knows this so off she goes in Juan Pablo’s boat. That’s 1 for Clare, 0 for Dog-lover. Because Juan Pablo always wants to set a good example for Cameeeeela, he seizes an opportunity to make out with Clare in front of the other girls when he thinks they can’t see him. Even though he’s out in the open. In a boat. Such a class act, that Juan Pablo!
The petulant child, Andi, is not happy. She did not know she was going to watch Clare’s one-on-one date on the group date.
Back at the house, Nikki tells the camera that going on another group date would have “sucked” and if she were on the group date she might not get the rose. Then she rolls her eyes in irritation with herself and says,”that would just be stupid, I always do [get the rose].” Oh Nikki, you are just such a sweet person – I can see why that snotty attitude and conceitedness would translate so well with children.
At the group date, Chelsie says she’s having a really romantic date with Allie, her boat partner. She’s less enthused about Juan Pablo and Clare’s date. After the boating trip, the group wanders around and Juan Pablo pretends to approach a total stranger and ask for food. Whatever ABC.
Andi is still throwing a tantrum. She starts with her favorite word, “honestly,” and tells Juan Pablo she’s just tired of group dates (has anyone else notice her affinity for the word honestly? I mean, honestly!) He says “trust me,” and she feels totally fine after that. After the girls are done in the fields, they eat. Clare pretends to eat because she doesn’t eat anything but fro-yo. Kidding. I am sure she also drinks Starbucks. Clare decides she doesn’t care if the girls hate her ’cause she’s just being
At the after party, Juan Pablo toasts to an amaccc-ing date. They all have the most fun tropical drinks I’ve ever seen. Andi’s has an entire apple on top (I think that’s an apple?) As soon as the toast is out of the way, JP decides it’s appropriate to continue his one-on-one date with Clare. He takes her away to his private room for some sexy swimming time while the rest of his “dates” or “girl friends” wait for him. That’s not disrespectful at all. Oh and again, what a great example for Cameeeela. Perv. When Juan Pablo finally pulls his tongue out of Clare’s mouth, he decides he better spend some time with some of the other girls. That means making out with Sharleen and Andi in quick succession. Como se dice “disgusting?” Perverto. Sharleen says the word organic again. I still don’t know what that means. I do know that I switched to organic milk this week and am totally in love. Maybe that’s what she means?
Just when I thought organic was the weirdest way to describe a relationship, she came up with this doozy, “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.” Um. Ok. That means so many things such as 1) you want to stand out/ be unique 2) you think pandas are the cutest kind of bear (not so) 3) you like bamboo and China or 4) you are really hairy.
Group date rose goes to Clare. Andi is mad. “In all honesty,” she really thought she’d get the rose. Listen, Andi, in all honesty, I will always assume you are being honest until proven otherwise. So honestly, you can stop saying honestly now. Honestly.
When the group date is over, Clare fakes going to bed to instead fulfill a life-long bucket list goal of swimming in the ocean. Well, Clare. I’d like to call BS on that. You know, since you are from California and all that. To use a line from Andi, honestly. What you really meant was you’d like to fulfill a lifelong goal of having sex with Juan Pablo in the ocean in Vietnam. That’s a more accurate goal description. Is it weird that my bucket list goals are so much bigger than that? Like writing a novel?
At 4:00 AM, Clare rings the bell at Juan Pablo’s house and invites him to take a dip in the ocean. But by dip, she means sex. They run into the ocean. Clare tells the confession cam, “it was like heaven on earth.” Juan Pablo says Clare was on fire. Then he says fire like 7 times in Spanish. “The waves were wild, and we got a little wild ourselves,” Juan Pablo confessed. Clare said, “we just went for it, and I don’t regret it. Pure bliss. In every way.” I know this show is all about editing. But come on. These two totally had sex. In the ocean. At 4 AM. Nobody describes jumping in the ocean (especially someone who lives in a state on the ocean) as “pure bliss, in every way.” In her post-coital haze, Clare proclaims “hands down one of the best nights of my entire life. We all deserve to feel that amazing, amazing feeling.” Then she says something about being a giraffe and having wobbly legs.
Second One-on-One Date: Nurse Nikki
Talk about sloppy seconds. For the date, Nurse Nikki decides to steal a look from the Free Spirit and wear a headband across her forehead. She also borrows some shorts from Chris Harrison’s 11 year old daughter. Truthfully, if I were 97 lbs and didn’t have cellulite, I’d wear clothes from the Limited Too too. I’m actually not sure where 13 year old girls shop anymore. Abercrombie?
Nurse Nikki and Juan Pablo meet up and Nurse Nikki once again fails to make eye contact while she talks to Juan Pablo. Juan Pablo takes Nurse Nikki to a cave into which they will repel. She has anxiety, he calms her, she says this is just like falling in love, blah blah blah. Same story, different venue. Nikki finally understands Plato’s Allegory of the Cave and vows to reread the Republic. Actually she vows to read it for the first time ever because she remembered that due to a Phi Cappa Cappa toga party, she just couldn’t get to it.
All I can think about is this sad Zoloft commercial that used to make my roommate and me cry over in college. It was this poor little lonely egg trapped in a cave! Maybe we needed some Zoloft…
When Nurse Nikki and Juan Pablo are out of the cave they head to dinner. Unfortunately Nikki forgot pants but decided her yoga tank top would make a nice dress. She realizes she’s one sneeze away from showing Juan Pablo her…well, you know what…but she realizes it’s worth it if she’s ever going to find a husband. Drastic times call for drastic measures.
Juan Pablo tells Nikki he is tired because he didn’t get much sleep last night. Ugh. I bet you are.
Nikki says she is not a morning person and that “not everybody is sunshine and rainbows all the time.” I KNOW you aren’t….
Is this chick too young for Rainbow Brite? She was definitely all sunshine and rainbows all the time. Rose for Nurse Nikki.
The girls gather on couches under some colorful lanterns and wait for Clare’s boyfriend to arrive. When he does, he drops a bomb on them – 3 people are headed home tonight. The girls sit in awkward silence but Clare, still feeling blissful, proposes a toast: “cheers to finding love, being loved, and making love.” Clare giggles, the girls glare, and Juan Pablo starts to sweat. He needs to talk to Clare soon to find out if she was able to track down some Plan B. He’s seriously worried about this being a reality:
But before that happens, Juan Pablo and Renee finally kiss. Renee was as excited as a little school girl. It was pretty cute. I wonder how that kiss would feel knowing he just had sex with someone else?
Juan Pablo pulls a Mesnick over the balcony while he agonizes over his Clare tryst. He finds Clare and asks if anyone knows about what happened. Clare says no. Juan Pablo puts on an “I’m an asshole” shirt and tells Clare that their little love affair was “a little weird for me.” He tells her it wasn’t right because he is trying to get to know everyone
carnally and he needs to be fair. He tells her it’s about fairness 10 times and when that doesn’t work with Clare, he pulls out his daughter card.
- JP: I have a daughter. I don’t want her to see what happened. I don’t want her to see that you tricked me into the ocean and took advantage of me. I was not a willing participant in your charade because your sexual prowess overcame me. You are a terrible example for my kid. What’s her name? Whatever. This is all your fault.
- Clare: [looks away, starts to cry, shakes head]
- JP: Look at me. HEY. Look at me! Listen to me!
- Clare: I feel stupid and embarrassed.
- JP: I’ll never tell you anything else again since you’re crying now.
Clare goes back to the cocktail party and her feelings are hurt (umm rightfully so Clare). I officially hate Juan Pablo. What a total !#!(*@(#*@&#@(* (insert your desired expletive). What sort of person willfully jumps into the ocean with someone, presumably has sex with said person, and then tells them they can’t put them in that position again. As though she took advantage of him? And now he’s trying to make her feel like a slut? Unbelievable. Hey Juan Pablo, want to be a good example for Cammmeeeeeeeeela? Don’t use women and then make THEM feel bad about it. Or better yet, don’t be on this show.
Danielle, Dog Lover, and Alli all leave the show rose-less and STD-less. Lucky ladies. Sharleen sobs over the departure of one of these ladies. Are you SURE you’re into Juan Pablo and his kind, Sharleen?
So, what do you guys think? Did they or didn’t they? Weigh in!