I Know You’ve Swallowed Bigger Things Than That

I don’t know about you but I’m feeling pretty darn grown sexy today.  If you have no idea what I’m talking about, consider yourself lucky.  But back to Juan Pablo, who is desperately hoping to find the light to his bug…

Like every good Bachelor love story, the journey aventura to find love, requires a journey– literally.  The remaining 13 never gonna happen potential step-mothers travel to Seoul, South Korea.  I can only hope that 90% of these chicks end up lost and on the wrong side of the DMZ.  Could you imagine any of these people sentenced to hard labor in North Korea? I don’t even think Kim Jong Un would want them.

When the girls find out they are headed to SK, they all shriek and scream and Sharleen displays emotion for the first time EVER.  Is it weird that mentioning South Korea made the girls far more excited than any mention of Juan Pablo?

excited

Clare is totally overjoyed with the prospect of the trip but is really bummed that she “doesn’t even have a kimono!”  You know, the traditional Japanese garment?  Listen Clare, I know you probably aren’t headed to a career with the State Department but come on.  Put the peroxide down.

You know what would be an actual test of a relationship?  Traveling the way the rest of us do.  Flying in coach (which always reminds me of the 3rd class of Titanic), staying in gross hotels (like the time my bed smelled like vomit but my mom didn’t believe me and told me to go to sleep only to discover hours later that there was, in fact, vomit all over the bed.  Thanks for that one mom), eating on the cheap, getting totally lost, and hating your travel companion.  That’s the real deal.  I could fall in love with a door knob if I got to travel with ABC footing the bill and making the arrangements.  Even without a kimono!

The girls land in KOREA with more stuff than I own in my entire apartment.  Was anyone else hoping they’d play the MASH theme song when they landed?  Probably just my family.

First Group Date: Blondes Only Please (and one token brunette) 

Nurse Nikki is irritated that she has to go on a group date.  She’s doesn’t have sisters and so she’s not used to sharing her boyfriend.  She has a strange idea of what it’s like to have sisters.  I have a whole bunch of them and we’ve never had to share boyfriends.  I guess I’ll consider myself lucky.   JP borrows an extra pair of the girls’ capri length yoga pants for the date.  All the other girls pick out their best LuLu yoga pants to match and meet Juan Pabs at a Korean entertainment studio, home of K-Pop.  That’s actually sort of a perfect nickname for myself.  I think I’ll start calling myself that.  But really, I have no idea what K-Pop is.  I’m assuming it stands for Korean Pop?  Oppa Gangnam Style. The girls will be dancing with Korean’s most famous K-Pop group, 2NE1 (21).  I guess I thought that guy who gave us that super annoying song I just referenced was the most famous K-Pop group, but I stand corrected.  None of the girls have any idea who 2NE1 is but they are all excited when Juan Pablo references the Spice Girls.

Kat starts dancing wildly while singing to Juan Pablo, “yo, I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really really want….”  Nurse Nikki cannot stand sharing her boyfriend and yells at Kat to stop monopolizing JP with her lame Spice Girls rendition.  (Most of these girls are probably too young to even appreciate the amazingness of the Spice Girls.  My 6th grade besties and I had the BEST dance to Wannabe).

The main girl from 2NE1 tells the girls they are going to teach them some of their correography moves.  Did anyone else think she looked and sounded exactly like Snooki?  I think this group is secretly from Jersey.  Kat, who has been dancing since before she could walk, is thrilled with this date.  She uses the opportunity to showcase her cheerleader moves, hip-hop and jazz all at once. Yay for high-kicks! Nikki does her best “sprinkler,” and vows not to “pout” and “throw a giant fit” like she kind of wants to.  Way to be mature about this Nurse Nikki.  The girls learn some dance moves, Kat dances her k-pop butt off, Nikki glares at her and rolls her eyes, and the ex-NFL dancer Cassandra demonstrates why she’s an “ex” NFL dancer.  Seriously, shouldn’t she be a great dancer?  I don’t understand!  In a SHOCKING twist, the girls find out they will be joining 2NE1 on stage as “backup dancers” at the local mall where 150,000 screaming prepubescent teenagers will be screaming for One Direction 2NE1.  More Nikki glaring, more Kat dancing.

At the after party, Nurse Nikky continues to be a Negative Nancy, saying that Kat acts one way when the cameras aren’t around and then says, “who wants some guacamole,” when the cameras are around.  I’m not totally sure what that means.  You’d have to see the clip.  Nikki is starting to annoy me.  Is it editing?  Or is she just kind of snotty?   She calls Kat fake and says nobody can be that “on” all the time.  Well, if you are naturally a debbie downer, that’s true -you cannot comprehend happiness.  Nikki uses her alone time to whine to JP and proves again that whining works.  She tells the camera, “this isn’t a game for me.”  Oh, taking a line from AshLee!  This isn’t just some silly little game! Rose for Nikki.

Second Date: Sharleen, Are You My Seoul Mate? 

The answer to that is a resounding NO.   Sharleen puts on her puffiest pair of shorts and a pair of black sheer nylons and declares herself ready to explore Seoul — the city and JP’s.  They eat some exotic food and then head to a tea-house for some unenthusiastic conversation.  It was like this:

  • Sharleen: [monotone] I have the most random degree in music.
  • JP: That’s ok, it’s what you do for a living.  I can’t wait to hear you sing.
  • Sharleen:  UGH.
  • Sharleen: [monotone] You are kinda cheeky.  It makes you interesting.  And Not. Bland.*
  • JP:  Bland?
  •  Sharleen: [monotone] It means you aren’t devoid of flavor. Learn English.  UGH.
  • Sharleen: [even more monotone] You are not bland.  And that is a very good thing (uttered in the most uninterested way possible).

*Footnote: I believe the psychological term for this is projecting, because Sharleen is in fact, insanely bland.  Plain white rice has more flavor than Sharleen.

After tea, JP takes Sharleen to some empty square so Sharleen can sing a few lines from The Little Mermaid.  Sharleen proclaims she NEVER does this on a first date.  EVER.  But for him, she does it.  Then they do their awkward make-out thing.  They head to dinner where basically Sharleen says she doesn’t like children, including his.  For some reason she still gets the rose. Cold fish.

Third Date: Korean Karaoke, Fishy Feet and Brunettes Only (one token blonde)

How the heck is the dog-lover still on this show?  Geesh.  The first stop is to sing a little Korean karaoke.  The girls yell and giggle, it’s just like, so much fun.  Next JP takes the girls to a place called Dr. Fish where the fish eat the dead skin off their feet.  Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, is all I heard for the next 5 minutes of this date.  So much shrillness.  Then they wander the streets of Seoul and eat exotic foods.  Clare fakes repulsion and finally agrees to eat a piece of octopus before fake gagging.  Kelly, the dog lover, is annoyed, “her piece was literally this big (holding fingers together to demonstrate size), and I know you’ve swallowed bigger things than that.”  Oh snap.

When darkness falls, the girls head to a cocktail party with Juan Paul.  JP pulls Renee aside first for some one-on-one time.  Renee tells the camera that she hasn’t had the opportunity to kiss him yet, but she’s hoping tonight’s the night (in the word’s of Rod Stewart).  Renee asks Juan Pablo what Cameeeela would think if she saw her kiss him?  Juan Pablo deflects and asks what her son would think?  Then he tells her he needs to set a good example for Cameeeeela.  He tells the camera he’s already kissed six (6) girls so far and so he better stop locking lips with everyone who asks.  You know what doesn’t seem like a good example (well besides being on this show to begin with and running around kissing 6 people), using your child as the excuse when really, you’re just not into Renee.  He tells Renee he’s not in a hurry and let’s her down gently.  Renee respects him but compares not kissing Juan Pablo to being waterboarded.  She actually said “torture,” so I used the opportunity to insert a form of recognized torture.

As the girls sit around talking about kissing Juan Pablo, the seed is planted in Lauren’s mind that maybe it’s time to try to kiss him too.  Lauren pulls him aside and asks him to dance with her.  Considering he’s told the camera 27 times that his future wife needs to enjoy dancing, you’d think she’d be speaking his language (finally).  But he’s just not into it.  In her best Spanish she asks him for a kiss, to which he replies, “sorry.”  Oh man.  My heart sank for her.  And my rage against him grew.  She asks why?  And he said, “I have a daughter, and I don’t want her to see Daddy kissing a bunch of other girls.”  Um.  I’m sorry.  Did I hear that correctly?  You don’t want her to see you kissing a bunch of people, even though you’ve ALREADY KISSED SIX?  How dumb do you think Lauren is?  She knows you’ve kissed all those people, you stupido.  The rejection was palpable.  What I really hate about this is that she was really vulnerable and his rejection of her was cruel.  He can kiss whomever he wants but you can’t tell her you don’t want to kiss her because of Cameeeeela.  As we see 15 seconds later while you chew on Clare’s bottom lip, Cameeeeeela isn’t going to stop you from kissing anyone.

For the record, here’s who JP has kissed on camera:

  • Cameeeeeeeeeela
  • Des
  • Sharleen
  • Clare
  • Andi
  • Cassandra
  • Chelsea
  • Nurse Nikki
  • Chris Harrison
  • Not Lauren or Renee

Rose for Andi.  Rejection for Lauren.  Poor thing.  You’re too normal for this nonsense anyway.

Rose Ceremony 

Monotone Sharleen is very happy to have a rose tonight.  Even if her voice doesn’t register emotion, she’s still very happy.  Nikki borrows a dress from her 14 year old sister and asks the dog lover to sew her into it.  She says that just because she has the rose does not mean she’s forgoing her time with Juan Pablo tonight.  It’s her time to be selfish, gosh darn it.  During the one-on-one time Nikki becomes paranoid that Juan Pablo is hinting at drama in the house.  Nikki declares war on Clare who was just talking to Juan Pablo before Nikki interrupted.  Nikki tells the Dog-lover about her conversation with Juan Pablo and her theory that Clare is bad-mouthing her .  Dog-lover uses the opportunity to stir the pot when Clare sits down with her and Nikki.

  • Dog Lover: Umm, I feel really awkward.
  • Clare: Why?
  • Dog Lover: Because Nikki says that you hate her.
  • Clare:  What?
  • Dog Lover:  You told Juan Pablo that Nikki is causing drama in the house. I feel super awkward sitting between you guys because it is like, really tense.  And I didn’t even cause any of this drama. I’m just a dog-lover.
  • Clare:  I have no idea what you’re talking about.
  • Dog Lover:  So tense.
  • Clare:  Ok whatever.   Juan Pablo and I just make out when we’re together.  We never talk.

Dog lover is a real female dog, if you know what I mean.  Why is she still ON this show?

When the roses are handed out, Lauren and Elise are left empty handed.  How amazing was Juan Pablo’s lip-syncing to K-Pop at the end of the night?  It was the most I’ve ever liked him.

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